If counting for Leap Days, Today marks a full year that I've been moved out from my old home. Surprising that I've made it this far despite everything going through my mind. I try to make sense of it but I am unsure about it. I should feel happy and proud that I've made it this far, but I don't and I can't really understand why. I fully understand that you can't have good times without the bad, and vice versa. But when will the good times start to roll in? When will life begin to turn bright instead of being various shades of dark? I came down here to change myself for the better and yet everything still fills the same. Same emotions of feeling alone and not having anyone give a big enough shit. Same emotions of Envy whenever I see someone live a life that I want.

I've been in Therapy for about a month now. I've only had two sessions so far, but it's helping me. The Therapist asked what I wanted to get out of it, but it put me in a weird hole of not really knowing. I don't know what I really want. The best I could give is just not constantly hating myself, and not dwelling on the 'what if's' and 'what could've been''s. I want to be my own person again. I've neutered most of my interests and things I love doing. All just to make my Parents proud, but they've always demanded more and more.

I don't know if I could tell the Therapist the full truth about myself. ABDL is very hard to describe without it sounding weird. It's one of the few things left in the world that both makes me feel happy and safe. When I get in one of my onesies and hug a stuffed fox, it's like the terror and chaos of the world melts away. I don't have to be on-guard every waking moment just waiting for something bad to happen. Another thing I feel like I have to say, but in the last 365/366 days: I have thought about committing self-termination at least 4 times. All it would've took was a simple squeeze of the trigger and no more worry would be needed. I know I have so much to look forward to. I maybe only 22 (as of writing this) but somedays it feels like I can escape that hole

I'm proud I didn't go down that route

But on the bright side of things, 2025 will mark the 5th year I've been in the US Army. Surprising that I've lasted this long. I plan on doing at least 20 years of service. I know it's the one of the more outlandish things to say on FA with everything that goes on here. I'll also try even harder to improve on myself. The more I feel happy to be 'Chatzoe', the less I will have to worry about feeling like I 'stole' someones body.

After being moved out for almost a year now I don't know how I should feel. I'm glad I got out of my old place, and I'm glad I'm in a spot where I can be myself. But some days it just feels like I'm back in that damned house.

I try to keep a brave face and think positive thoughts but it's just too hard. It's too hard when you don't really have anyone you can just run to. When you're constantly feeling alone, you don't know when to let yourself feel vulnerable. Always waiting for a non-existent enemy in the shadows.

Some days it's just hard to find the will to continue on. I've attempted to 'move on' about four separate times in the year. People say things take time but I just don't know how long I can wait anymore. I've waited a year for my life to improve. In a lot of ways I've had better quality of life that the cost of just being alone.

It honestly feels like I can disappear for months and no one would know. No one would go looking.

I've seen some news that Paypal is starting to ban ABDLs from their services. Can't we just be left alone? First here, then soon everywhere. I just don't understand why they waited till now to do it instead of any other point of time. Instead of going after people who use their services as scams and illegal activities; they attack people who in the grand scheme of things minded their own business? We haven't done anything horrid.

I've recently gone through some unpleasant things IRL that have negatively affected my mental state. These things have made me put a lot of thought about myself and how I feel about everything in general. These last few months, I've felt both alone and scared. Unsure what the future might bring to me. I've tried to put a positive spin of most of these events. It can only go so far that you wonder if keeping up the delusion is really worth it. I already know the outcome and I know I can't pad my fall. But I just wish things went differently, and I wish that these events never happened.

I'm going to be completely honest, I didn't expect to make it this far in life. But, today is my 21st Birthday. I don't know how I want to spend this day, but I'll figure it out.