Yeah, I turn 37 today! Kinda of "old" if you believe that myth of "Everyone leaves the fandom after 30" or whatever it is.

Been working on a few sketches, but nothing worth posting, just raw ideas at this point.

Had a great dream a few nights ago that gave me an idea for a new character concept, but I don't know if it's worth elaborating on because I could just apply the concept to one of my already existing characters... Decisions, decisions.

Well, that's where I'm at now. Here's hoping I get some kind of idea, because I've been itching to draw something.

Just ignore the fact that I'm re-uploading a few images, and deleting others.

Although by the time you all read this, It's going to technically be 29 days until my birthday on September 1st. Just giving everyone a head's up just in case they spontaneously have the urge to draw me something...

And it's totally not an excuse for me to write a new journal to bump the old, depressing one off of my page, nope. :P

Well, It’s been over a month, and at the very least, I owe you an update.

Nothing much has changed except for the weather.

I need a vacation, and I might need some therapy. I can’t really discuss the reasons behind either because some of these things are a bit personal to just put out here, and others are related to my job as a caretaker and I don’t want to accidentally break any patient confidentiality laws, so I’m just going to say that I’ve been just going and going and going at some capacity without a break and I’m starting to feel it.

Let’s talk about my Stupid Animal Characters™. I’ve been so… emotionally drained and possibly depressed recently that I don’t really feel like anything (Looping back to the “I could use some therapy” thing above). For some reason, I just kinda hate my fursonas. Well, hate is a strong word, but I am just so… detached from them. It didn’t help that I was playing around with some ideas to either redesign or replace some of them, and one day I may be feeling like “Yeah, I’m back!” only for it to crash back into that numbness the next day (or sooner). That skunk I worked on is practically ready, but here’s the thing, there’s not much to him besides a neat design element and I don’t know if that’s worth anything. I drew a fun tanuki character, and played around some concepts I’d either use or subvert, but he doesn’t offer anything that any of my other characters have done. It feels like I don't have an identity anymore, I’m just an account that occasionally faves things and leaves the even rarer comment.

I haven’t really drawn anything since the last time, minus a few sketches for something that didn’t come to fruition and a silly drawing I did for a Tumblr mutual. I’m sitting on a couple of ref sheets that are nearly finished, but like I said in my previous paragraph, I’m just not sure what to do when it comes to my characters.

I’ve actually thought about just leaving the fandom, but I can’t. It’s the only thing I haven’t given up on, and it’s my only escape.

Getting this much off of my chest has helped already, and maybe I just needed to vent.

Time for a new journal, since the last one was from my last birthday... so Happy (Belated) New Year to everybody! Hope you've been doing well. In my area it decided to snow for a week straight to make up for not really having any snow around Christmas, and then it snowed so much, we had to dig ourselves out to even get to the mailbox... and now we're finally dug out enough to resume normal life again!

In the meantime, I've been doing that thing where you just think about things and get lost in your own thoughts, and I have no idea if that's a good thing or not. First thing's first, I'm actually thinking about just... getting rid of Cheekers.

Just kinda tired of him, and if it wasn't for this account being named the way it is, (that, and my 'burner' email also being named the same) I would probably have done this already and possibly have made a "replacement" fursona for him already... _{and knowing me, I probably also would have tried to reverse these changes at least once because part of me would have regretted making that decision.} But now seeing as FA finally updated their tagging system so you can block certain tags, I'm hoping the feature to "rename your account" might come soon. As for Cheekers, I'm still keeping him, I've noticed I go through these phases and I probably don't want to get rid of him after all.

Speaking of changes I kinda regret and kinda don't. Last year I bought one of those adoptables that was technically somebody's old fursona/OC that came with a bunch of artwork... and I haven't really done anything since.

I was going to wait until I updated the design before showing him off, did some doodles working out those changes but then I just kinda... wasn't feeling it anymore. It was already "too late" since the owner didn't want him anymore, I'm just kinda stuck with this design that I can either sell, give away, or just... delete and forget I spent the $300ish what I thought at the time was a good idea.

Why was this a good idea? I was going to create a similar design at the time, and thought it would cut out the middleman to just buy someone's old design and change two small details.

He was going to be a new version of Johnny Spade, but this was before the skunk idea that in itself hasn't gone anywhere yet. I still haven't nailed down the details still flip-flopping between the dark gray belly or the white one, and all of the other sketches I've done have been uncolored stuff that I'm probably not going to post. I still think skunks are underutilized as a species (especially in the fatfur space), but I may end up scrapping all of that work and just do similar things to a different species that's more liked.

Had a few ideas for stories and/or comics... They're just rough ideas, that I haven't worked some of the more finer details. I might do some guest work for The Bens comic, but I still have to talk that out with the guy who does the comic...

Hmm, what else? My biggest problem is that since I'm working from home, I just don't start any personal projects that take a lot of time and effort, and by the time I have some personal time, I'm just too drained...

Now that I am *checks notes* 36... wait that can't be right... Yup, That's right...

I did have bigger plans today, but those got postponed. So I guess I'm just hanging out over here. Might draw something for the occasion.

Yup, my birthday is coming up fast; and I'm kinda excited for it, and a little... not. What do I mean? Well, I'm going to be 36 and from past experiences, birthday celebrations are kinda thrust upon you after you reach a certain age.

I mean, to me it's just another day, but I know the family wants to make it feel somewhat special... especially after what happened seven years ago now.

That doesn't mean I don't like getting gifts, what I especially like seeing is artwork from my friends, acquaintances... random watchers that just like my stuff... that kinda thing.

So, here are some websites I use (in a "kinda, but not really" sort of way) where you can find me in case this website goes down.

Weasyl, mostly used as a backup so I have something ready-to-go if FA bites the dust and doesn't come back.
https://www.weasyl.com/~cheekysqueaker

Bluesky, I need to really interact more here.
https://bsky.app/profile/cheekysque.....er.bsky.social

Tumblr, because I still had my account from that bygone age where they allowed NSFW and the site had an actual community.
https://www.tumblr.com/cheeky-squeaker

I also have Telegram and Discord, but I ignore enough people there as it is, and I'd rather not add more people unless I really need to.

So, I've been going through my sketchbooks, and I have a bunch of things that I realized I haven't posted, on top of a few new ones I've done in the past couple of days. Once I get them scanned in, I'll start uploading.

It's been too long, but I just haven't been in a good enough headspace to really interact with this website, besides faving art that others have done, and making the occasional comment...

...but enough dwelling on that, I have a bunch of mediocre furry art to scan!

(And by "me", I technically mean my fursonas)

I've kinda ran into a problem with my fursona-styled characters, and their variations. I just feel like I have too many of them now. I've briefly touched upon this in a previous journal talking about Cheekers, but the same kinda goes for all of them. All of these guys came about because I love to experiment with expressing myself through all of these different animals, and I had fun doing so! But in the end, I kinda feel that things may have gotten out of hand.

While I want to scale things back, It's kinda hard to pick what one should be "The one" for any given character. Like, let's use Johnny Spade as an example. He started off as a Red Panda, but I later found the character worked better as a Fennec Fox. Later down the road, I wanted to experiment with colors, but fennec foxes are all kinda the same "sand" color, so I made him a Silver Fox. Somewhere in there, I had a Raccoon that originally had a different name, but I ended up making him an alternate form of Johnny because of reasons I don't remember... And then I went to reinvent myself after my fight with cancer and created the Coyote I used a couple of times, but kinda stopped, but never had the heart to get rid of him because of what other artists have done with the character...

So here I am... trying to pick one version to go forward with, and leaving all of the others behind. It's kinda hard because of all of the art I've drawn, the art I've commissioned, The fact that I have the big eyes of my fursuit staring at me this very moment... just some things that make the process of choosing one character to represent all of your different moods and feelings even more difficult.

The funny thing is, I don't have this problem with the variations of Deviragon/Delta. He's a dragon, except when I used a Kobold version of him to write some stupid little stories/pictures in outer space, and he's occasionally a Deinonychus for when I have the urge to do something with dinosaurs (and I don't go with a different, unrelated dinosaur character). I don't know if I can do the same to Cheekers and Johnny, giving each form its own little world and their own purpose... that would make things more complicated in the end, if I have to juggle all of these different stories at once...

This is just one of the handful of problems I have, but the one I think would be more interesting to discuss. (A lot more fun to talk about than the burn-out I'm currently dealing with, at the very least.)

Just asking my followers a few silly questions that came to mind.

Does your fursona have a job? What kind of job is it?

If they don't, what kind of job could you realistically see your fursona doing?

To answer my own question, for the most part, my characters don't really have a full-time job. They're kinda like cartoon characters that just fit into whatever I need them to have for the moment. One moment they could be doing one thing, another moment they're doing something else...

Although I've been thinking of writing a story that has Cheekers working in an office job. Sitting down, typing on a computer... something without much movement and would lend itself for a fat character to just... be fat.

Well, since the CEO of Tumblr has shown that he's got his hand over the "Delete" key and will delete anyone (and has done so, several times) I've decided to make accounts elsewhere, just so I don't have to worry.

Cohost (I just made this one, so it's still empty): https://cohost.org/cheeky-squeaker

Bluesky (I actually had an invite I never used until just before they opened it up to the public): https://bsky.app/profile/cheekysque.....er.bsky.social

Both of these are still new, and don't really have anything to them, but I'll figure things out and get some actual content on them soon.

So, I want to start over with this account to an extent. I just feel stuck, and a somewhat fresh start might be what I need.

But how far do I go back? I originally wanted to go back to Cheekers being his original mouse self and pretend that a lot of what happened didn't exist, but... that's a lot of artwork to delete, much to the dismay of some of my friends I've run this past.

While I'm alright with deleting things (I mean, I still have the files and can repost them if this doesn't work out) but both of my friends don't understand why I'd want to delete anything in the first place. We just have different points of view when it comes to this stuff. I just think I'm cleaning up my account of clutter, both friends didn't want me to delete anything. One just liked my art anyways, and the other suggested it's a part of my history as an artist, and I should keep it around.

I had other ideas, like just dropping Cheekers and going back to one of my older characters, and I can just hop back onto my old account and just leave this one to rot without touching any of my art... but that's because this account's name is too Cheekers-centric for me to be anyone else... I mean, I left that account to get a fresh start, and going back to my old one is kind of the reverse of that... and the exact opposite of what I'm wanting.

I'm still going to think about this, but I'm probably going to do nothing and just go on once I can get back in the groove...

Ugh, my year isn't off to too good of a start. Before that, my holidays were nonexistent, and I ended up getting a head-cold before new Years' that ended up turning into RSV, so I spent the entire week without energy to do anything, and that's on top of me only really being able to focus on work... so I've been depressed and feeling pretty useless at the moment.

Haven't been making artwork due to the aforementioned illness, further fueling feelings of futility... I have no idea what I should do with Cheekers, or any of my other characters. I just have no ideas, no drive, and I can't even keep my characters consistent enough for them to develop actual personality. I mean, I've changed Cheekers' species back and forth how many times now? And don't get me started on Johnny Spade, since he's generic enough for me to place an orange bandana around the neck of a wide variety of animals and I'll go "Yeah, that's him!" I've had a mutual/friend of mine list some qualities they see in Cheekers, and while I can see that, I don't know if that's enough for a whole character's personality. Some days "A little guy I use to explore the fandom through various mediums (Art, Writing, etc.)" is enough, while other days it's lacking in substance...

It doesn't help that I haven't talked to a lot of my friends in months... I need to change that, but I also don't want to interrupt their lives just so I can have a conversation... *shrug*

You know how people have been saying "New year, New me" sometimes Ironically, sometimes not? Well for me it's "Same bullshit, different day" and I just want it all to stop. Here's hoping things pick up once I kick this crud and have the energy to really sit down and draw something.

Today officially marks the six-year anniversary of my cancer-removing surgery! Not a lot has changed since last year, and you can read about that here.

I've noticed that I've kinda fallen into a kind of depression, and I just don't know if it is because of the time of year, or just my current happenings, but I've been thinking:

Do I really need a fursona anymore? I haven't drawn anything since last month, (No, those recolors of old art of my fox doesn't count) and if my artistic output is going to be this slow, why do I even need characters? All I do now is look at other people's work, and touch myself inappropriately to the sexy ones.

I would really like to take a vacation, but all of the hoops I need to jump through to actually get the time off is not worth it.

I've been thinking about therapy, but I have no idea if my insurance will cover it, and I don't want my time wasted. I want actual help and answers, not just someone who listens and nods their head, nor do I want someone who just wants to prescribe medications on me. I have problems, I want solutions.... how hard is that to get?

I wish there was a little bit more in my life than just work. I still have this problem where I don't do anything too time consuming because "I'm working," and "I need to be able to drop anything at a moment's notice, in case of emergency" so I just kinda sit around all day until I'm needed, and when I get time to myself, I kinda do nothing because it's too late. Sometimes, I'm able to do some art, like the stuff I did last month, but I kinda had to push myself to get that done in a timely manner, because of my limited free-time.

I just wish I had something to look forward to, because without that, I'm just going through the motions at this point.

Yeah, basically what it says in the title. I'm just not getting enough to really keep it running, so I just decided to end it here. I mean, three out of four donations were $10 and under, and a majority of the action happened in the first 24 hours. Sure, another small donation happened earlier this week, but that was Sunday night, and here we are, Thrusday Evening, without a blip on the radar. I really apprechiate it to everyone who did donate, but this kinda thing just doesn't make money when I decide to do it.

I mean, I know I'm a nobody-teir artist without the channels to really spread this around, but I'm not giving up yet, just changing gears and thinking of other ways I can do the same thing. Considering doing cheap sketch commissions, I'll post that journal once I get back from a work-related trip this weekend.

I will be continuing the "Shape up & Fill Out!" by changing it into a plan, regular, weight gain sequence; so don't be startled if I delete everything and upload slightly different versions of everything next week. I mean, I still think there's at least two more pictures to this series to give it a bit of closure or something.

So, it's been almost a week now, and I've got to say... I think we've had a good start.

Within the first 24 hours, we got enough donations to balloon Cheekers past a ton in weight, and then it kinda went quiet for the rest of the week. That sure kept me busy, doing the six milestone pictures he decided to pass in that first day alone. I wish I had the time to do a little "reminder" picture halfway through the week, but I have had little to no free time and it is a miracle of sorts that I got the art done, and was able to get this far.

Currently working on the sketch-work for the next big picture in the series, with his actual weight he put on in the first week. I'm going to try to get it done before Tuesday, just so I can keep consistent with the weekly updates. (With each new one happening either Monday night, or early Tuesday Morning)

Thanks to everyone who's donated so far, and don't worry, I'm still trying to shoot for four full weeks for the drive, although things beyond my control might have to cut it shorter than I wanted.

Let's make week 2 even better, hm?

As I said in my last journal: I'm helping out  smokeygraypaws any way I can, and to do that, I'm starting a new Weight Gain Drive! You can find the first part here. Any amount counts, and all of it will be sent over to Smokey (minus whatever fees PayP*l decides to take). Here's hoping you all can get Cheekers huge!

The drive will last for about four weeks, so if you can't donate right now, don't worry! New pictures will be made weekly, with bonus pictures happening every so often, as Cheekers hits certain weight gain milestones.

If you can't donate at the moment, please consider sharing this around to your friends!

Hey, a few days ago my friend and great artist  smokeygraypaws had to go to the hospital for a few days, and is now having trouble making ends meet due to being unable to work and do commissions.

I'm signal boosting his journal, where you can find more, and please consider helping him out, either by giving a small donation, a signal boost, or even some words of encouragement.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal.....mokeygraypaws/

Man, if you want to do anything related to one of the many October Drawing Challenges, you kinda have to have everything sorted out before October happens...

This month, I tried doing my own thing, didn't like it, and now it's day 6 and while I've been trying to think of ways to catch up, I'm stuck. I know you don't need to do one every day... but part of the appeal for me lies in the fact that you do something every day for the entire month. Starting in five days late is just going to be confusing when I post "Day 6" as the start of the series...

My efforts in catching up just leave me with art that I don't really like how it looks, I can't decide what character to draw (I mean, the other part of the appeal kinda lies in the character getting progressively bigger over the month, so changing it every day kinda loses that part of the appeal too).

I just wish I had a day off that I could completely spend on artwork. I could casually draw five other parts right then and there, and post them like nothing happened.

I guess I'm just going to have to just skip this year. Something always happens anyway, and I'm glad it kinda happened three days in this time.

Ugh, things just keep getting worse some times and I'm sick and tired of it.
Let me cut to the chase here, Real-life continues to have spikes of stress that completely wreck me, and I'm just recovering from such a spike. It's hard to deal with a family member who has mental illness and see them go down a self-destructive path, even though you never really liked them too much to begin with... It doesn't make it any less sad, doesn't make it any less stressful.

Because of all of this stress, my mind has gone to pretty dark places I would rather not talk about here. I've already talked to a few friends and got a lot of my more specific frustrations off of my chest, and that helps a lot in itself. Special shout-out goes to  squeakyshepard, I'm sorry for having to dump all of my frustrations, but thanks for listening and being the first to come to me directly when I posted the last journal and asking if I was alright.

What had been keeping me anchored is listening to this song over and over again, even though it has a sad ending. Give it a listen, if you want!

I can't get it out of my head, even though the ending makes me tear up a tiny bit every time.


Furry-space wise, I still need to do some art worth posting. I've done some stupid doodles that I'm not going to post, but I should get back to drawing something to post. I still have some things that used to be Twitter exclusives, and I can post those in the meantime.

Since the last journal, I've got rid of my squirrel form, and went back to the Rat and the Mouse, and might cut it back to just the mouse (Like I've almost done before, about two months ago, before realizing I might have been acting too hasty.) but I need a moment to really think about a few things, like if the two forms have enough differences to stand as alternates, and what specific one I want to stick to if I do decide to cut it down to one...

Man, I really shouldn't be allowed to make decisions past 9pm when I'm just too tied to think straight. Just put a pin in this while I go on a tangent for a bit.

Why do I keep worrying about characters being canonical? No, really, I keep flip-flopping between forms and stop using certain ones because it wouldn't make sense to have three very similar versions of Cheekers pop up from time to time, but here's the thing. There is no canon, really. Cheekers (as you know him) is just one of those characters I use to do furry stuff with, and he's basically me but as a... round fuzzy rodent. They're practically the same except for a handful of details, and I don't know why I just don't stick to one and either get rid of the others, or just occasionally draw the other designs. I end up changing my mind, a week later (or less) and I end up changing my five or six websites (You know, the Profile image, Banner image on some sites, sometimes changing bits of the text in the profile), not counting the two messengers and occasionally Steam...

In some ways, I need some more restraint, but in other ways I need to loosen up and just stop caring about some of the smaller details and the feeling that I need to keep everything consistent with each other. Especially the fact that I do this for 6 websites and three other programs... I mean, I really doubt the family members that watch my Facebook account really care that the picture I have as my profile image matches the other websites they don't follow me on, and that goes the same for the people on FA (although there is more overlap between them and Tumblr, Telegram, Discord, Steam, Etc.)

I think the reason why I have trouble deciding is that I don't have time to myself to really think. I work all day and don't get any "Me time" until after 9pm, and some days I'm just too tired to really think. My day technically starts at 8:30am and goes until 9:30pm. There's a lot of quiet downtime, but as a Caretaker, I have to be ready to drop everything at a moment's notice, so I've developed a bad habit of not doing anything remotely time-consuming until everyone else goes to bed, and then I just don't have the energy to do new stuff a lot of the time. This lack of energy leads to bad decisions at time... I mean, I have deleted things I regret deleting, and have yet to upload them again... I mean, I've deleted one of my personal Telegram sticker packs just because I think I've gotten rid of that character (just to bring him back a couple of days later) three times now. Yeah, the decision is easily reversible, albeit time-consuming, but I'm just kinda tired of reversing my choices instead of sticking with the consequences (even if they are not very big.)

I'm just really tired of all of this stuff. I don't know what to do at times, and I'm just confused now. I really wish I had more people to casually talk to about Furry Fandom things, since there's nobody that really understands some of my more obscure feelings that don't really apply to anything the "Normies" in my family would understand.

_{Like, if I change Cheekers too much from his design, what am I supposed to do with my fursuit? I mean, I can just get a different head, paws and tail if I keep him Gray/Darker Gray/White colors, but what if I want to change that? That's a real big sticking point, and while it isn't the only reason, it does factor into my decisions...}

Mainly making this to bump the old journal off of the top of the list and the front page.

Man, I'm stuck in a rut, a loop, and some other third thing that makes me feel like I'm repeating the same vicious cycle over and over with no changes. I need to take a vacation, but that's easier said than done especially with my caretaker job. I should start doing more artwork, to be honest, but all I have are ideas and nothing really else. I haven't really been able to commit to anything because of a bunch of stress I've been having at home, and that isn't helping at all either.

So here's some things I have decided in the meantime. I'm getting rid of the rat and mouse forms for my Cheekers fursona, going back to the squirrel 100%. What do I do with the art I did in that year where I wasn't? I have no idea. Probably going to scrap it for now, and maybe do some cleanup later on down the line, I guess. Not every piece is worth keeping around at the end of the day, even though I literally gain nor lose anything by deleting them or keeping them in my gallery.

_{Now I gotta turn around and tell all of my artist friends that if you want to do anything for my birthday, you have to draw a different character now... oops.}

Yeah, Leaving Twitter... Oh wait, I mean "X", and while I'm not in the market for a place to replace it, I felt like writing down all of the ones I know of off of the top of my head, and I'm taking suggestions for people who have been any one of these sites and can give me a first-hand experience of your time and if that site is worth making an account on.

Tumblr: I already have one of these that I barely use, might wipe my account and use it more as a place for art and random thoughts.

Pillowfort: This looks like a Tumblr-clone, might be worth a try?

Mastodon: This one is very popular, albeit it has a steeper learning curve due to how it works.

Itaku: Another possible Tumblr-like?

Cohost: I've rambled about this one and their "No Ads forever" policy. It sounds good on paper, but here's the thing. What if they get big enough that they need more engineers and servers? Are they just going to ask for donations?

Threads: Hahahaha, no. This is basically "Twitter, but by the Facebook Meta team" and the only, and I mean ONLY reason I'd get that is because I could probably use the Facebook account I barely use to sign up with that. I mean, that's what I did for my not really used Pintrest and Instagram accounts...

Bluesky: Twitter, by some of the original guys who made Twitter, just under a different name because the name belongs to someone else. The Yooka-Laylee of social media, I guess. It's invite-only, and everyone is waiting for their key.

Did I miss any? Do any of you have accounts at any of these places and could give me a recommendation? Comment below!

So, For the moment I am trying something bold... I'm going back to Cheekers Original colors... So he's white and gray (or white and blue, if you are feeling "exotic") again, and I don't know where this will go, but I hope that simplifying the character a bit might be what I need, instead of always thinking about the other forms... They're now non-canon. (Although I have no idea what I'm going to do what that fursuit I bought of the Squirrel form... oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.)

I also scrapped everything related to what I now call "Cheekers' Gray Phase" (Starting from when I first came up with the colors for his short-lived flying squirrel alternate, to the time I placed the new colors onto the main mouse form, leading through his time as a squirrel, and then a rat, until just recently), so those can now be seen in the scraps, or in the specific gallery folder located right here

Part of me wanted to come up with some silly, in-universe reason why he's gone back to his old colors, but I can't think of anything quite yet... Maybe something will come to mind, but I'm not going to dwell on the concept if the idea doesn't come.

What do you all think? Is this just what I needed, or do you think this is a completely idiotic move that will doom all of us and destroy the planet!?!?!?!? Feel free to comment below!