You don't need to read this, I'm just putting my thoughts down where I can point others to later.

I've had thoughts for the past week or so about just quitting the fandom. I mean, I've already made some friends, I've posted some art, I have a fursuit that I've only worn twice and kinda regret buying... and that's about it. I feel so disconnected with most of the fandom that I technically could leave without it having much of an impact on me. And that's where I have figured it out. Real life and all of the stress it has has kinda pulled me away from everything to the point that I now feel disconnected with it all.

That also explains the fact that I have no idea what to do with my fursona, I'm so disconnected that he's not even my fursona anymore. Barely even a character...

Now let me set the record straight, I'm not leaving the fandom. It's the only place where I can be myself (or at the very least, a form I am more comfortable with) and the only place I have actual friends I can talk to about certain things.

But I've been so stressed and all of my focus has been on real-life happenings, that I haven't had time for that. The last time I drew anything was at the end of last month/ beginning of this month, and the month is almost over. I haven't been able to write, and before that I was working on a document about how I feel about FurAffinity's vague rules, and the vague rules they placed on top of them to fix loopholes that may not have really been a problem in the first place. You know, the ones that go into effect in less than a week from now? Yeah. Still planning on writing that, but I'm going to have to possibly start over, since it's been so long and I doubt I can continue the same train of thought I had a month ago.

I'll try to get something going, but since I also have to get ready for a trip at the end of the week, I still may not get anything done until the beginning of next month.

This one refers to the situation from my last journal.

OK, Mom calls the landlord and says "when can we expect you over to give the garage a look?" And he replies "I drove by Tuesday and saw it was clean"... so I have been worrying for the rest of this week because this cocksucker didn't tell us that we were in the clear? I'm glad that we still have a home and now that everything's clean, it will be easier to keep it that way but... my mind had gone to some pretty dark places when I was worried that there was still a chance that Mom and I could have been homeless...

Some other things I've been thinking about:
Remember the Ringtail character I made? You probably don't because I drew four pictures of him and then deleted them and silently shelved the character because I didn't do anything with him past that. Despite that, I did manage to buy a commission of him, get some giftart of him, and buy a plush of his species. I'm considering giving him another try... I mean, I deleted all of the artwork and just took a step back and made Johnny Spade back into a raccoon, but I haven't done anything with that form/species either. Part of me should have kept him as a ringtail, I guess. I don't care if that's a lesser known species that I'd have to explain every time.

Meanwhile:
What comes to mind when you think about Cheekers? What Species? What characteristics? What personality?
I'm still undecided on what Cheekers is and should be. I've just been too busy (again) to really think about where I want to take him as a character and my fursona. I'm tired of changing depending on my mood and I'd like something more consistent... Am I a fat rat, a fat mouse, or a fat squirrel? Every time I think I figure it out, something reminds me of how one of the other forms did something that the others couldn't.

I'd like to have a somewhat serious conversation about this, but any time I try talking about it it feels like I'm being brushed off. "It's your character, Just do what you want to do!" they sometimes say, but if I knew what I wanted to do, I would have already done that and I wouldn't be asking this question...

Now that I might have some time to myself, I could finally figure this out once and for all.

Unless you have seen a couple of my posts on Twitter, you don't know what kind of stress I am under. Mom and I have been cleaning for over a week, almost nearing two, just for an inspection from the landlord. We cleaned the house perfectly but that wasn't good enough for him, because he checked the garage and the space behind it (It's supposed to be a dog kennel, but we never used it as such, so it just kinda gathered leaves and twigs.) and he said they weren't clean enough and gave us until Friday the 23rd to have it cleaned perfectly. We spent hours bagging up garbage that my goddamn fucking schizophrenic stoner of a half-brother left in the kennel (on top of the natural leaves and twigs that had technically composted since then). and threw everything out of the garage. Didn't matter if the stuff could still be used, or if it was left from previous renters, we just threw it all. Monday evening was the last of the big stuff, and if it wasn't for people from Mom's church we wouldn't have got anything done before the Friday deadline

Here's the thing, I'm still paranoid that the bastard of a landlord is still going to evict us. He technically can't due to equal opportunity laws, and the fact that Mom's legally considered handicapped and on government assistance, but I've been dealing with anxiety and paranoia this whole fortnight and just have a feeling that he'd still want to throw us under the bus and have us evicted just because he can get more money by renting this place out to someone else.

Mom's got faith and has prayed about it, but that's the thing, I don't have that kind of support. I'm afraid of being homeless, I don't have anywhere else to go, and really doubt any family will help... They're all too busy with their lives, that's the only reason why I was able to help Mom and eventually get a job as her caretaker... I was the only one without a job at the time, I was living with my Sister at the time so I didn't have a house or apartment and I could move in and help... for the past four years, my life has kinda revolved around taking care of mom, and the threat of being evicted is just shaking me up in a way that I just can't cope with.

And that's on top of being too tired to do anything with my hobbies or related to the furry fandom. I've considered giving up on the whole artwork thing and quitting the fandom...

I just want this to be over, I can't continue with this stress... I'm stretched to my limits and I'm going to snap in one way or another.

So, I'm weighing the pros an cons of a decision. Part of me wants to go back to basics and just have Cheekers as a mouse again, and the other part of me just drew some really good art of him as a rat, that I was going to use as part of a reference sheet.

Here's the thing. I haven't really drawn Cheekers all that much just because I haven't had the time to really draw. I've either been too busy, too tired, too stressed, helping other people out with their problems, and I haven't really had much time for me. What does this have to do with Cheekers? Well, as my fursona, I kinda want a character that reflects myself, and part of me thinks he kinda drifted away from that.

The two forms are very similar, anyway, and all that's different is a few things on a surface level. I thought this one out before, and it was basically "Why bother? There's not much there to warrant the change" and I did it anyway because there was nothing to lose or gain if I did, and I could go back... and now I'm considering going back. The aforementioned art I made can easily be changed from one species into another, so all I have to do is just commit to a decision.

And this isn't even touching on the Squirrel. I have no idea what to do with that form, but I feel they can co-exist... and if they can't, I can always figure out that problem once I get to it.

So let's go in order here, starting with the Mourning:
If you guys didn't follow me on Facebook or Twitter, I had a pet mouse that I let my niece name (She named him squeaky). I had him for a little over a year, and I found him dead in his cage this last Saturday. I've been distraught and it's been effecting my mood ever since. I can't really think of him for too long without tearing up and being on the verge of full-blown "Ugly Crying".

Next, the Stress:
Here's the thing. I can't really go into detail here. It involves my half-brother with Schizophrenia and his addiction to weed, that makes his delusions even worse. He says he's heard the voice of both God and Satan, so that gives you a rough idea where things are, and they've just been getting worse for the past seven weeks. I'm just glad a doctor convinced him to start taking medicine again for his condition. Hopefully things improve now that he's medicated. I'd also like to add that there are absolutely no programs that could help us in this state, even the social worker we talked to was shocked about how little this state has in terms of Mental Health and stuff to help it. *sigh*

That third thing:
Edit: Eh, I thought about it some more, and I think the first two things were just effecting my mood and my thoughts. *shrug*

Today officially marks the 5th anniversary of the surgery that removed my colon cancer and I have some things to say:

You think after five years I would have figured out how I'm supposed to feel about this. I still feel that my recovery is a fluke (I mean, I have been told several times that my recovery isn't how most recoveries go, and the surgeon himself said it was a 'miracle') and if I knew that my life was going to be in a rut like this, I probably wouldn't have fought that hard and had a more pessimistic attitude about the whole thing.

While I'm still thankful to be alive, but it's hard to be optimistic when you have your half-brother going on about "Hey! Didja know that river is going dry? The one the Bible said would kick off the end of the world!"

Yeah, I already know the world is going to shit in so many other ways... I did not want another one to add to the pile of things that make me think "I survived cancer for this?"

It's not easy to hold on there like nothing had happened. I was taken apart, I had parts removed, I had parts moved around, I was put back together, but I have to remind myself that I'm broken, incomplete, and will never be the same as I was before I went into all of this. What am I supposed to do now? Like I said earlier, I feel my life is currently in a rut. I have nothing to look forward to, and that drags down the experience even more.

Here's the thing, I just want a break from some of this, but I can't really do that at the moment. It's freaking cold outside, and there isn't really anything in my town to do anyway. Everything is out of town, and that costs money that I don't really have. Same goes for visiting any of my friends, since that requires a vacation in itself. I need to figure this kind of thing out.

Five years in, and I'm still getting used to everything afterwards... Here's hoping I finally figure things out in the next five.

So I have no idea what temperature this take is... (is it hot? Warm? Lukewarm? Room-temperature?) But here it is.

I'm not too peeved about the fact that the highest resolutions are locked under a FA+ subscription as some of the others I've seen out there. I mean, the non-subscribers got a boost in resolution too... at the cost of that exploit everyone was using beforehand that let you re-upload the same picture and it wouldn't shrink it down the second time, so it would be in whatever crazy resolutions you decided to draw your implausibly large furries in.

But then again, I'm still using a 720p monitor, so anything bigger than that I need to zoom way out to see the whole thing, then zoom back in to see any of the details... I'd probably have an opinion if I had a bigger monitor and actually did digital art in sizes bigger than... *checks gallery* 1280x933

So, there was a few reasons why, I just couldn't deal with the tonal whiplash my feed was. You'd see silly conversations, art, furry porn, furry porn I wasn't in the mood for, and whatever horrors that happened that week.

What really ticked me off was the fact that I made a seemingly innocent post that was basically "You know, I should have my squirrel character drawn more. I should finish that incomplete ref sheet I've been sitting on for months." and I get 20 replies from bots saying things like "I would love to draw your squirrel!" and "I wouldn't mind, this is a paid gig, right?" I know I had 300ish watchers and I couldn't keep track of them all, but to suddenly see 20 posts from people I don't know that don't have furry profile pictures and usernames was pretty suspicious.

Now, this might not be permanent, because I can always get a new account later on, say... after a change in management and the place isn't as much of a dumpster-fire. (Not asking for perfection, I'll settle for a fire in a trash can compared to what they have now.)

Yeah, I'm just not having fun with it anymore, so I'm stopping it here. While I did have some ideas I really wanted to do on certain days going forward from here, there just seems to be more days where the prompts are kinda limited. For example, there's only so many things you can do with a fat character and the word "Impact". And while it isn't true, I just have a feeling that each new picture has diminishing returns when it comes to faves/likes and comments.

There's just so many things you can do to a fat rat, and it's getting to the point that I don't really like him all that much because of it... I think it's because I'm trying to also write a small story with each one, and a lot of them end up as meaningless slice-of-life kinda moments, while the prompts are more likely picked so you can draw the same character getting increasingly larger and that's it.

I wonder if this would be any different if I did one of the following:
-Skip the story angle and just have Cheekers gain weight
-If I had gone with the original idea and used my Coyote character

Part of me would have wanted to do something out of pure frustration, like make Cheekers explode from eating too much, but he promised his niece all the way back on day 4 that he wouldn't, and you can't break a little kid's promise! (Even if they are fictional)

Well, it's almost October, and I want to try my hand at one of the handful of drawing challenges that are usually happening.

I'm aware of two fat-based ones, (Fattytober and Octummber) and my sister sent me a rat-themed one that I'm adding to the mix. Why so many? I just want alternatives in case a certain prompt doesn't work, or I can always use more than one in my picture.

I did this for 10 days last year, before just drawing whatever random crap came to my mind because I was just dragged down by the prompts, so there's no promises that I'm even going to do them for the whole month or not. Best-case scenario: I just improvise like last year.

yup, it's my birthday today! Depending on how busy I'm going to be, I might draw something stupid to celebrate.

Mostly making this to replace the Journal entry I made... *checks watch* more than half a year ago, but I do have some general updates and stuff.

So, I finally have that fursuit! I mean, I've only worn it twice because it's been so hot outside, and wearing what's essentially a custom-tailored carpet isn't the kind of stuff you want to wear outside during the summer. Despite this, I want to get another suit for my other forms. Currently have the squirrel, and want to get an alternate head, paws, and tail so I can be the mouse, and really considering getting an alternate bodysuit that gives Cheekers a bigger belly (Like a handful I've seen on Twitter). I need to plan an eventual trip to a convention, just so I can have an opportunity to show it off to more people than my Mom, Sister and my niece and nephew.

If you've been on my twitter, I had a silly/stupid thought that's been at the back of my mind... I should change Cheekers from a generic mouse, to a generic rat just so I can call him a "Fatty Ratty" on occasion. I just think that's a cute nickname that can lovingly tease him... but the thing is, changing his species would do absolutely nothing for him. Heck, I could do this very thing right now by going into his ref-sheet and changing "mouse" to "rat" and posting it... Even though it would be a microscopic change, that tweet got a decent amount of likes (considering that I barely get any). The joke here is that Cheekers is often so fat that he can't possibly be a mouse anymore

Of course, that last paragraph is made moot by the fact that I created his Squirrel alternate that everyone seems to like more than the original mouse, even though there isn't any real difference between them besides the rodent species I used...

I should really look through my sketchbooks for some half-finished artwork I should clean up and post... I've really been lacking on that front.

TL;DR: Summertime is too hot to fursuit, Cheekers has an identity crisis because I want to call him a fatty ratty, and I need to post more artwork on this artwork site.

Not really looking forward to it, since it's already shaping up to be the same bullshit as this year, just more of it. But Negitivity aside, I do have something to look forward to! I'm having a fursuit made of Cheekers, and I can't wait to get it! Every update that  featherhead sends me (they're making the suit, by the way, take a look at their stuff if you haven't yet!) makes me excited for the day I finally get to put it on!

Fursuit aside, I also have recently got Clip Studio Paint, so hopefully having a more standard program will allow me to do some things with my artwork that I previously couldn't because... well, I was using a copy of Flash 8 from 2005 this whole time, and it kinda stinks as a full-on art program. That's why I still do the bulk of my work on paper first, scan it in, and then do the last parts digitally... It's going to be something to transition to being able to do the entire thing digitally, but it would speed up the whole process... I just need to dig out my tablet and pray that I haven't lost the pen.

Have a happy new year everybody!

It's time for a new journal! So, there's something that crossed my mind. I should just delete everything from my old gallery at  d3vinsawhog. Why? Eh, I already posted what I think is the best of my old artwork, and I highly suspect that whomever commissioned me in the past has already saved it to their own personal collections.

I mean, I could go about this one of two ways. Just delete everything without warning, or save everything and post it to Dropbox later on, if anyone really wants it. I kinda doubt it, though.

What do you all think? Mostly made this to bump that previous journal down.

Yup, I'm going on a one week vacation for the week of my birthday, so that's the reason why I might be quiet... well, quieter than usual.

Writing this journal before I go to bed super early tonight because I have to wake up before 3AM, then go on a two hour drive to the airport, so I can be there two hours before my flight leaves so I can get checked in properly... ugh, not looking forward to that...

See everyone next week!

Yup, in a little less than a month from now, It'll be my birthday on September 1st. Have no idea what I'm going to really do, since I'm pretty sure 33 is going to feel exactly the same as 32, but I'm still excited.

Mostly writing this journal to bump the old one off the page. And to give anyone who wants to make gift art a proper head's up. (Also, you don't really need to, but I do like surprises. )

I just don't know what character to use where, especially when they are very similar... Cheekers has more personality quirks thought out for him (Favorite pizza toppings, favorite candy, a couple of tics) and all Johnny has right now is two forms (Fennec Fox and Raccoon) that might be fun to play with in certain situations.

Kinda hard to write new traits for them when both of them are "Me with fur" and I still struggle with giving them new, non-Devin personalities and other details. I still haven't decided if I want to subject either of them to some of the more traumatic, but character-building parts of my life (Namely, my fight with cancer from three years ago) even though that is why I resonate with Cheekers so much. After months of continuous poking and prodding and testing, I felt like a small, weak, mouse being subjected to all of these tests.

So yeah, I might have to find a way to write that into him as well... But that now leaves Johnny with less, and his original "He's me, but with exaggerated charisma" might not work like it used to when I created the character years ago. I'm just afraid of erasing the character. I don't want to do that to such a big part of me, but even then, I realize that Cheekers might just fit in better for whatever I have planned...

Right now Cheekers is the favorite, since he's got several accounts named after him, and will be getting a fursuit of him in the future. Let's face it, he's the favorite for a reason...