I did it! I have a skype. I'm chesterbunbun! Add me! Seriously, do it! You don't have to feel nervous or embarrassed about it or worry I won't want you to or anything because I said so! Besides, I feel like that anyway, and if we both do that nothing will happen and we won't become super bestest friends!

But seriously, all you guys who have talked to me and followed, noted me etc., if you want to add me and talk more, or just add me and not talk, that'd be amaaaaaazing and it'd mean a whole lot to me! :3

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH :D

So I think you guys are inspiring me into doing little sprite doodles again, which is great! I actually made something I really like (but it is bunnies and I do like bunnies A LOT), and I think it looks pretty good too! I somehow managed to edit my icon sprite, double its size and draw a more neutral pose almost from scratch and made a new character. I don't know if it's me yet, still trying to figure that out. At the very least it's a contender for a more adult me. Done so far with four costumes:

http://s15.postimg.org/ss6aiolob/outfits_1.png

1) Hi, why are you looking at me?
2) I have clothes on now, what do you want?
3) Why am I dressed as Mario?
4) Aww man, bedtime already? :(

I dunno, I know lots of people here are good at art, so any tips would be great, as I literally don't know anything about art at all. I need to figure out how to be cuter :P but yeah, if I do decide I like this design, I might make him younger too and have an older me/younger me thing going on :3

Let me know what you think! Or say something else, I don't mind! Ask questions! Or don't! It's up to you! :D

Also I will eventually get Skype and I'll let you guys know if you want to chat to me and be my bestest friend! :3

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

Just wanted to give an absolutely massive thanks to everyone who has sent me nice shouts and watches. I really feel welcome! Of course an even massiver (shush that's totally a word) to  codytehfox for just being amazingly helpful, supportive and reassuring. Go send mad hugs his way because he super deserves them!

I guess now I just want to ask a bunch of you guys, what do you recommend I do? I think I need to sort out my profile a bit more and fill in some more information and stuff so people know more about me from a glance, but I don't know if there's anything else I'm missing. Also I know it's dumb but I'm also a little bit self-conscious about being silly on here, like somebody is going to be annoyed at me if I tell them they're cute or something.

Double also, I'm going to try and post a lot more journals talking about myself, feelings, questions etc. I guess I can do some sort of AMA if that helps, especially because I major suuuuuck at knowing what to say. I might also do something even dumber and see if anybody has any questions they want me to ask them, because let's pretend that makes sense! (but that'll help with not knowing what to ask as well, and also if you've ever sat there wishing someone would ask you a specific question, soon you can make it happen :D:D:D:D:D:D)

Triple also, man, I totally need to get a better icon at some point. I lkike this icon but it totally doesn't fit in with all you cutebutts!

Anyway, I would say "feel free to message me" but what I really mean is "Do! Do message me! :D"

P.S. Aww man, being a furry means I'm gonna have to study up on being a bunny! Bunnies hop an' have big earses an' like carrots and do a little nose twitch and they are really good :3

I think I'm starting to feel better about myself now, and feel a bit more able to carry on with my life which is nice! I'm still looking forward to making friends with you guys though, because I'm sure you're all lovely! I think you'll like me, because I always like to make my friends happy by being nice to them and sometimes giving them little surprise presents, and I think if somebody I knew was being a grumpybutt I'd do what I could to get them back to being all silly and wiggly :P

Heh, I know it's silly, and kind of a silly dream at the moment, but maybe one day if I have a nice big house or something I might set up some fun little parties and events for my friends (and soon-to-be friends!). I think the idea of being able to make a bunch of people really happy and making sure they feel safe and good and okay, and to treat them how they want to be treated makes me feel all warm inside <3 Plus I'm sure you'd all be super adorable!

Just thought maybe I'd share more about myself because maybe writing it down would help me figure some stuff out and maybe also help push me in the direction I want to go.

So, a little about me:

As a "normal person" I'd say I'm a nice person who's caring, kind and thoughtful. I'm in my early twenties and I like making my friends happy and I try to do what I can to help them out when I can. I always try to be polite and kind to people because kindness is free! I try to help anyone out when I can, although I am a little shy around new people. My interests outside of here include listening to music (I like a lot of Rock and Metal but basically anything tha's good will be something I like) and playing all sorts of video games (i'm more into retro or indie games these days, I fell out of interest with the more recent gaming scene. I really like rhythm games as well!). I also enjoy messing around with music (I have a keyboard and I've learnt the first few seconds of one hand of a bunch of video game music! :P) and making terrible mashups, I'm also interested in making video games but I'm very lazy and have no ideas. I also enjoy board games and tabletop roleplaying games because I'm a huge dork (even though I'm sort of too embarrassed to roleplay very well!) and I'd love to do other things like go to concerts or costume parties with people :) I guess I'm hoping I meet cool people who can show me new interests and hobbies!

I do kind of have problems with low self-esteem, partly because I spent a long part of my life making myself feel really bad about being like this, and oh my gosh it'd mean the whole world to me if I met people who can finally make me feel happy, special and important.

In terms of this stuff, I'm not entirely sure what my fursona looks like yet, but I know I'm definitely a floppy-eared bunny :3 I like bunnies a lot! When I'm feeling all little I just wanna be all snuggly and happy, and feel safe and protected. Like me in real life, I jus' wanna make people happy! I wanna play an' doodle an' be silly an' make people laugh an' smile! I know that if I ever had a mama, I'd wanna be all cute for her and cuddle up with her a lot an' draw little pictures for her an' be a really good boy! Because I am a good boy! I like feeling cute an' important an' special an' that I can talk about anything an' everything an' that people will listen. I do as I am told and I even eat veggies and everything! I jus' wanna be able to cuddle people an' feel happy an' loved an' good about myself!

Also I am foooour! I am a bit of a mama's boy an' I'm not very tuff, but I am a very good boy an' I wanna do whatever I can to make people proud of me! Also I um...I sorta still wear dippers but mama said that's okay an' I will get it eventually!

Also I get really embarrassed an' blushy easily an' that makes me look more cute apparently but I am not cute because I am a big strong bunny, raaaawr! :3

What I want:

The whole situation with being little is an interesting one. I've felt it before and been able to properly experience it before and it was really nice, but I do still feel really insecure about myself. I hope one day to find someone or some people who can reassure me that's this is all okay. I honestly just want to express a lot of love and "intimacy" (by which I mean being totally comfortable and okay around somebody) with somebody that wants it, whether it's a bunch of friends, a "family" of sorts or maybe one day a caretakery person with whom I can feel that nurturing happiness with, and feel safe and cute and special. I'd absolutely love just to be taken care of and in return be a really good boy who makes the other person smile and go "awww!" because I'm so sweet and cute. I'd love to just be dressed up and look really cute and spend time with people just snuggling and playing and having fun. I'd love to be able to fall asleep snuggling someone or something knowing everything is okay.

I'd love to make friends who I could play with, it'd be lovely to be able to play trucks with someone or watch a film sitting on the floor with people all snuggled up and looking cute together. I'd love to have others to giggle and wiggle with, and who would still want to play with me even though I still wear dippers sometimes!

I guess the dream for me would to be to have some friends who I knew really really well who I trusted completely, who I could meet up with somewhere, have everyone behave themself as we go out to eat, be able to be good enough normal people that we can talk about other topics while we're out (but maybe be able to talk about how excited we are, how we all love each other, how we love to give each other hugs and maybe get some gentle teasing in there) and then when we went somewhere to cub out, we would all play nicely with each other. I also dream of one day having a special someone, someone who I could be all soppy and romantic with, buy them nice things, do all sorts of things just to make them smile, and want to spend my time with them. I'd love for them to accept me for who I am and heck, if they helped me feel good about myself that'd be great because I know I'd want to do what I can for them too! I'd love to have somebody who I can introduce to my friends and family who look at us and think we're a lovely couple, someone who could be great for me and who I could be great for. Someone who I could take to dinner and have a nice time with, who could then whisper in my ear that I'm just a silly bunny and a total cutiepie :P

I guess I just want someone who means the world to me and someone who I can mean the world to. Someone I can sit there with and sniffle at and tell them "I'm a big butt and I'm stupid and you can do better" and they tell me they don't want anyone else and that I'm their special someone, their special person and that they accept that sometimes I'm little and they honestly kind of love it and love being able to make me happy in a special way, that they even kind of love holding me and giving me food and even just watching me have fun because it's adorable and it makes their heart feel so big and happy knowing they're truly helping me and truly fulfilling a need I have.

What I don't want:

First off, please no creepy people! Please don't message me about about meeting up and doing stuff with you, as though I'd love to be able to do that with people, I want to make sure they're people I trust. I'm also super not into sex at all, especially with dudes. I'm pretty damn sure I'm asexual and if I'm feeling little I'm going to really really not be into that. There are a huge number of things that make me feel conflicted or just plain uncomfortable and maybe some of those will get better over time. I'm still not comfortable with looking at some of these things in real life - maybe that's why I like the furry side too, I can make a little character who really looks cute instead of looking like a big silly person - and so I kind of don't want to be confronted by someone who flashes diapers at me, if that makes sense? Yeah, I guess I like them, they make me feel happy and safe and comfy, but I still feel kinda ridiculous when I look down, and I feel considerably more when I look in the mirror. Maybe one day someone will help with that.

I really really REALLY don't want to meet up with creepy older men and hang around in their bedroom just wearing diapers...I guess I'm not that into the diapers specifically as much as how they make me feel and what they represent. Please for the love of god NEVER attempt to do anything incredibly stupid like going out in public in a full costume, treating me like a baby in public, or anything involving bringing attention to this sort of thing, it's not fair on others. I'm also in this for the love and emotions, so try not to make it sexual or weird or traumatic. I'm not interested in being punished or humiliated. I like the idea of being teased if it came from a place of love, and I guess I could accept being punished in a way that suits the age I'm going for if I legitimately did something wrong - I guess it makes sense to put me in the naughty corner or even spank my butt if I did something you told me not to multiple times or didn't do what i was supposed to do, in the way you would with a little kid, because that makes sense. I don't think I'd enjoy it and would probably end up crying and apologising and clinging to you while sniffling but it's fair if it makes sense in the situation and context set up. I'm also quite a bit more uncomfortable around men than I am women, and the word "daddy" sort of squicks me out a bit, and I would prefer to have a nice lady but hey, there might be some really nice men out there too who change my mind. I also don't think I'm comfortable with sissy stuff happening to me. While I feel I'd be 100% fine with other boys dressed up as girls, I don't want to be. I like being a boy and I want to be cute while still being a boy. I think somene trying to make me wear a dress would make me cry. I also dont want to be forced into anything I'm not comfortabe with unless it was with somebody I really trust.

Also even though I'm totally fine with...doing stuff with dippers, I'd prefer to only do that sort of thing once I'm confortable with people. I'm scared about being really weird and I want being a soggybutt or a stinkybutt to "just be part of being a little guy" and "something you can't help yet", yanno? Part of the story. I want to be okay with that and I'm scared about hanging out with people who do that sort of thing a lot and are all like "oh man i'm soaked lol" and try to tell me about it. I don't want to know. That sort of stuff is really personal to me and something that makes me feel so bad about myself. I don't want to feel worse about it because I've been hanging around with people who like to tell me the state of their pants. I want to feel okay about it instead, feel like it's okay because I'm just a silly little bunny. Maybe I wish I didn't have interest in that at all.

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So that was another really long journal. Whoops. Anyway, if you managed to read all that and still want to be my friend, that'd be really super cool and nice, so feel free to message me or whatever. Just please don't be creepy, I want to feel more comfortable about all this, not less comfortable because I have to worry about weirdos. I really look forward to making friends! :3

I feel like I need to write this just so I know it's out there. I'm...really not okay at the moment. I've spent the last week with this awful feeling, and I'm not entirely sure what it is? Longing? I've got this horrible pain in my chest and I'm struggling to keep it at bay. I've been struggling to eat or sleep or even focus on anything. At any chance I get I just want to hide in my room and whine quietly.

So about a week ago I lost control on trying to supress my "little feelings", I guess? I had for some time been occasionally checking here and Inkbunny for babyfur art and such, but the other day (Last Friday, maybe?) I read a really good webcomic (Shine, by BabyStar in case you were wondering, although I'm sure literally everyone has read it) and...maybe it was too good? It made me feel things I'd been spending years trying to hide, and I couldn't stop reading. Now I'm stuck with this horrible longing and it really hurts.

I've spent almost half my life deeply, truly, bitterly hating myself for being a babyfur. It's effectively shaped my whole personality and it makes me feel so sad now that I realise that. Almost all the problems I've had have been due to how much I hate myself. I don't want that any more. I seem to always try to make others laugh by being the one who's deliberately stupid because I really value myself that little that I'm willing to degrade myself for the abusement of others. I don't ever tell people how I feel or how my day was because I don't feel like anybody really cares. Besides, if they knew how I felt and what I was really, they wouldn't be my friend. I've never really felt proud of anything I've ever done in my life, because a part of me has always thought "Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that you're a freak, does it?". I've never been really close to anybody and I've never been in a relationship with a single person. I've never kissed anybody like that and I don't think I've ever held anyone's hand because I never let myself get close to them. They'd find out and tell everybody how much of a freak I am. Besides, I couldn't push something so awful and weird onto somebody else, it isn't right. Being a babyfur made me spend almost every day over a period of years wishing I was dead.

After a period of looking at this side of myself many years ago and a particularly bad relationship with someone in the community (my fault for letting myself get completely stepped on because of my low self-esteem) I packed it all in and pushed it inside of myself for about four years, and managed to convince myself I could be normal-ish. I made some really cool friends and really matured while at university. Now I'm back where I was in multiple senses.

Back when I realised what I was I has this unbelievable crushing feeling inside because I felt so conflicted. I desperately wanted to be normal and yet I knew inside I wasn't and could never be. I was so depressed I spent days staring into space, rocking back and forth like I was some sort of addict. I was "emo" in the sense of feeling really melodramatic and hating myself, feeling like there was no point, that I was a monstr with no redeemable qualities that people would chase with torches and pitchforks if they knew the truth. And now I feel a bit like that again half a decade or so later. Maybe it's because I hid from it instead of learning to accept it that meant I just put it on hold. I guess that's one problem I had. Lots of people here seemed to be in the "Well I was always bullied at school so I learnt to not care what others think and just accepted myself" while I wasn't. I was just above the threshold enough at school to get away with not being seriously bullied, and I had a pretty good group of friends. Not necessarily close friends that I could talk to about things, but they were friends. I was able to be normal enough that I didn't want to be weird.

Another way I'm back where I was is that I moved back to where I was before I went to uni, where I know I've gotten away with doing things before in secret. Knowing I've gotten away with it here makes it harder to push the feelings away. Finally, I'm back here in the sense that I'm a part of this community again. Hopefully I'll do a better job this time and manage to make good friends.

(sorry this probably reads really weirdly, I keep going off track and writing pages of stuff and then cutting it out again, so it probably flows all wrong)

I guess in short I want to talk to some people here who are like me, who can help me understand and solve some of these feelings and work towards slowly accepting myself and finally being happy. After all, if this is who and what I am and I can't change that, I guess I should try to enjoy it instead of letting it hurt me so much. I just want a hug and to know it's okay.