Simple synopsis.
As many rise, so too can they fall. And I am no exception. I am homeless, in a shelter albeit. Jobless but have a car. Friendless, but have no fucks anymore. When life wants to fuck you, you can never just say no. Just wait it out. And repair your asshole. Have a good day yall,

In my long history here....there's something I've learned....all experiences will hurt you, all experiences will make you better.....and all will change you.

I can never call this site my home again. As my younger and much more bullshit self has left a land, so broken and destroyed, that...no matter how much a small part of myself wants to fix. There are weights no single person can lift.

Life is shit, and beautiful all at the same fucking time. I have an amazing life at this point. And, it may change. As all things do. Things get shittier and better. Grow a pair, and deal with it.
And if you're in such disrepaire....just know. This site and the people I once knew, can never be brought back.

I've learned to stop giving a fuck. But also, care.

So, I graduated job corps and mooved to Missoula Montana. I'm now working at Aqua Creek Products and rather gave up the firefighting for something alot less physically stressful. Making alot of great furry friends here in Missoula and having a great life so far. ^π^ have a good day!

~Fluster The Fox aka Steve

Hey there. Been a while.
Anyway I've been slowly fixing my life a Anaconda Montana Job Corps. And for the past two months I've been training hard to be a type 2 wildland firefighter. And today, I completed Gaurd School. Got my educational and physical qualifications and can now call my self a Type 2 IA Supression hand crew member......Rookie.....R-1. have not been on a real wild fire yet other then the prescribed fire we set of 48 acres. But in time. Anyway, I hope who ever is reading this is doing great as well. ^~^ just a couple years ago I was drinking heavily, homeless and didn't shower for 1.5 months. How far you can go.

I used to complain about how things happened. What I did to people and what people did to me. Lovers and mates I've lost and those who have lost me. But laying awake at night thinking of how my life would be so much better if I didn't make those mistakes can't change anything. I'm just making tomorrow worse because I'll be more tired.

It hurts a lot to know there's nothing I or anyone can do to revive whats dead. Like I'll always miss Justin and wish things didnt end like they did. Wish I wasn't such an insipid child when we were together. Or how I cheated on Ryan and then told him he stabbed ME in the back for finding someone else so quickly (funny as hell how I was such a fucking kid XD)

I cannot change this or how my life has went up and down. Mostly because of my actions. I look at myself and sure I'm still a little rough. But I'm a lot more refined and mature then I ever was. You definitely should never forget the past, but never live there. It'll always hurt a little. Maybe a lot. Life is the longest thing we do that goes by so quickly. No need to make it harder then it already is.

It's been a while but i'm still alive. so far I had stay in a rehab facility until march first this year. then I came back home and two months later I got enrolled to Anaconda Montana Job corps. I'm in the welding trade. I've been writing a massive story, one that will trump anything ive ever written and possibly many other peoples attempts on here.....hopefully. anyway, I'm a year and four days sober as I write this and it feels amazing. I've been putting on muscle and trying to slouf off fat but the latter is kinda hard. anyway, I'm still around but occasionally. If you wanna stay in contact with me abit more, then go to my Facebook account. although I imagine only a few people are actually reading this. I digress. See ya guys ^_^

My past is a Chamber where dead dreams dwell
The floor is a void where my hopes have fell
The air's a miasma the walls can't expel
And the roof is a light that exposes my Hell
 
I step inside to remember the pain
Breath in the fumes that have made me insane
Let it dissolve all the cells in my brain
And pace on the void where we both had lain
 
Behind this door I dismantle my Hopes
And away from the world I'm cutting the Ropes
 
In my personal space where I'm learning to crawl
I can hide from your face, I can hide from it all
I confide and replace all the reasons I fall
I decide to erase the Hope that I call
 
This is the evil that lives in my heart
It feeds the Demons that R.I.P me apart
 
This is the life I have crafted from ash
From the burning of wood or pieces of trash
 
Which ever the case, this Chamber will thrive
through time and through space, This Vault will survive
Through dark and through light, This Shadow's alive

In the land between hope and dispare I hold my own hand
Between the region of air and ground I make my stand

With the shattered remains of My perseverance
I look against the edges of your disappearance

Cutting the barrier between yesterday and tomorrow
I see the seeding and feeding of my eternal sorrow

I watch from this moment, powerless to change the start
Holding the option that would've saved my heart

Could I have said something different or did something new
So that a light year didn't come between me and you

Is there a path that didn't lead to our utter demise
Or were we pawns of God's with no sense of compromise

Was it action or neutrality that led to this end?
Was it compassion or reality that bled you, my friend?

Tell me now so I can finally solve what's all been done
Because the best solution right now is at the end of a gun

Ill always miss you elijah



You were my light house in the darkest night
Although so far, you were always in sight

Even though the waters would pitch and swell
You were my heavenly light in hell

I could stay afloat when you were around
In the deepest oceans i never drowned
You were the island i magically found
You were the HMS i happily crowned

When i looked to the horizon you were there
But now i just cant find you anywhere

You were once the only light i could see
Now that its gone i beg for mercy from the sea

I keep looking for the will to survive
I keep trying to breath to stay alive

But theres no hope as im thrashed too and fro
I surrender as the waves start to grow

My efforts are for naught as i go under
And my screams are silenced by the thunder

So i take my last and only breath
And welcome the release that follows my death

I dropped a bit of weight and packed on some hella good muscle...hell. even thought i looked pretty damn decent.
But thus far...guys in chat rooms have insulted the holy fuck out of me. My belly or my looks...either ones fair game...and thick skin can only take a finite amount of lashings before it breaks through...i thought shit would be better...my mate left me while i was in treatment so i no lomger have him...cant interact with my old druggie friends...idk. things were better locked up...those guys actually saw and appreciated who i am...none were even gay...but sure as hell didnt feel lonely in there as i do out here

Just wish me luck lol. Been single for a year and a half and i learned in treatment, men dont do alonr well lol

Alone i thrash and gasp for air
The Lonely horse of the Night, Mare

A blade of Grass Amung the Lawn
Never receives the light at dawn

A single drop inside an ocean
Carried by the current motion

I cant accept the LGBT
Because they dont accept me

Difference among ranks but preach equality
Hate within such a loving community

Twinks insult bears, guts fight jocks
So little care, yet so many mock

Want acceptence by society
But rarely enact our own equality

Why should we be treated so fair?
When one insults one over their hair

Why should the world set the example
When we provide a hypocrtic sample?

Why should we be able to marry?
When many refuse to offer to carry

How do those in the shadows come out?
When the river of hope succumbs to drought

We have taken our pride too far
For some believe they shine like a star
Pride is the love of who we are
Not for muscles, an ass, or a car

Rejected by the left, hated by the right
What options are left when neither seems right?
When both are a cleft with a difference so slight

People want us killed, beaten...extinct
A life of torture from hell, Indistinct

We have only each other to turn
This is a fact invaluable to learn
Because if we see our flag ever burn
We'll have the strength to stand together and stern

Been about 3 months but im back now. Good t be free. Got a slew of writings ill be posting for a bit. So yea

So one of the fellow residence cut my hair finally after a year of being unkempt and just a few minutes after...one of the other residence said, "Che, you look like that kid from king of the hill." XD XD XD XD you know what? If I were blonde the resemblance would be rather creepy lol. Im used to the usuall Gomer Pyle comparisons from Full Metal Jacket...but this is a new one...and arguably a far better one XD

Ive checked into a treatment center and awating transfer to a lockdown facility. gonna get this out while I can. I have a major problem with alcohol and need to address it as it will interfere with getting and keeping a job.

This decision is of my own accord so atleast ive passed the first step of recovery.
Goodbye All. Ill post when I get out <3

...standing on your feet all day. At first it hurts like hell.
But eventually, you get used to it.
Then you're left with a dull ach you still preffer to avoid.

When life is heavy and hurting your back
When the light at the end of the tunnel turns black

I close my eyes, hoping to see the light
Hoping to escape all of this blight
I awaken just to be robbed of sight
Purging all of my will, all of my fight

My stance weakens, my shoulders are strained
My future bleakens, destiny pained

To you i give the shards of all my hope
Stab me with the ones that will let me cope

Or take what i held so close to my heart
And use them to tear my soul apart
Perhaps this end will grant a new start

Collect my shards and put me together
Or cast me to the depths of the neather
Whatever you choose. Ill love you forever.


Like my give a fuck jar is empty. Facebook and FA have both cast me unto the shadows of loneliness and resemble shells of the old active profiles. Id log on here and see at minimum 8 new comments and 5 notes and a couple watches. On facebook id have a shit ton of notifications. Now, i look amongst the empty carcass of what used to be a social media site...bowill ave now become one mans ramblings and feelings echoing to oblivion. Cursed by past fuck ups and typecast as a selfish and inchoate, imperically drama loving person.
I have to take a quote from zootopia. If the world will only ever see you as a shifty, unloyal and deceptive Fox...then there is no reason to try and be anything else.

Like ive tried to reverse the foundation disintegration but it has become evident that no amount of effort and dedication to my personal objective will ever be able to reclaim the ways of the past.

But WHY? I think its because...ive damaged my extroverted perception beyond any hopeful reconstruction. And...because time changes people. Time is the one thing that will garauntee a change in something.
Sometimes for the good....but, like in my life, mostly for the worse.

I have no irl friends because an ex destroyed all of my friendships over the four year hell of a relationship. I wasnt allowed friends...i had quite a few....now. None. I want an active social life...but it seems as though even that is an unattainable goal as well.

So on this day, i declare the last FUCK has been given and no more will follow. I dont care because there is no end point to it. Im not gonna be nice because being nice has not gotten me shit...

I had a friend i met on grindr...he was an amazing person. We were actually friends. He was 38 and he used to weigh 628 pounds before his weight reduction surgery. He said that with me,it wasnt just about the sex. He thought i was a genuinely great person. Great company. And just a week after we met...he invited me on a week long trip to texas. I was a virtual stranger but he trusted me because he said im easy to talk to and have a sweet soul. We were good friends for a month...this is after that 4 year hell of a relationship.......we were fuck buddies but friends as well....but, he had an ex...a girl. The first he ever loved...love was dead to him because of this failed relationship. She got into contact with him and they got together...so no more sex...i was completely okay with that because we were FRIENDS........then, he asked me to meet him at mcdonalds....i knew what was going to happen. I met up with him and he told me that this girl is in a church of some sort. He loves this girl. The only girl hed live a straight life for...and he said that he wanted to get into that church....but to do so...he couldnt have friends like me. He was doing this because he wanted to be with the one that he loved first..........i was crushed...i had to lose a friend...the closest friend ive ever had. And...i wasnt mad....i couldnt be. His situation is one that is a rare moment on the scale of the world...and...i couldnt be mad about such a beautiful thing transpiring. I was hurt yes...but i knew that he wanted to be happy...i had to let him go...and i was okay with it even though it wrenched my heart out. I cried for a solid 2 hours...he was the first best friend i ever had....but, i want him to be happy. So. I didnt harbor any bad feelings. I just wished him an amazing life.


AND WHAT DO I GET FOR SUCH A HEART BREAKING EXPERIENCE?!?!?!?! nothing. I still hold no resentment towards him. My kindness and caring nature has gotten me FUCK ALL in my life....so...i no longer give a fuck.

 NeatherWolf is my new profile, time to move on from this old one,

I still may get on this every now and again, but no promises made.

💜Ya

Burning embers fade
Brightest light to shade
Mistakes that I've made

Pain so close and old
All dark past lies, cold

My festering soul
Losing my control

Everything I said
Wrong paths I have lead
All the truth I've Shed
Lie with the bloodshed

Ruler of my mind
I follow the blind
Friends I've left behind

A world I create
A hell that I sate
All cast unto fate

All that I despise
Are all my past lies

I got drunk to many times and I ended up getting kicked out of my apartment. I learned though, learned that I can not mess with alcohol. I'm staying with my parents and my little brother gave me an extra phone. Doesn't charge all thAt right but I still have communication. The phone is kinda fucked up lol. But otherwise, I'm on my meds and doing good, still working at McDonald's. I miss Denver, but I do feel at home in Wyoming again. I'll be fine, my parents are gonna give me a hand up, not a hand out.

Is an elevator.........how can it be upstairs?

I'm still okay

My cat got towed, broke my glasses. My friend had to leave me. A bit existential crisis that was.
My other friend tried to fight me while dead drunk,

But I don't give a Fuck. Sure it's stressful. Sure is depressing and sure I broke a couple times. But I'm okay. I got a new job. I am still alive and my meds are working and I can still keep my head up high no matter the weight bearing down on my shoulders...not saying I'm invulnerable...far from it....but I am learning how to handle things better.

They are the ones who stand by even when you inadvertently lash out at them. who understand.
They are the ones who let you know they took a shit in your bathroom and itll stink
They are the ones that always enjoy your company or reach out
They are the ones who fart around you because they don't give a shit but you do because eventually, youll smell it
They are the ones that will reach out for you if they notice the smallest signs of unrest.
They are the ones who you only allow to call you a bitch for no reason. Others will regret it.
They are the ones who help you when in need and don't ask for anything in return
They are the ones who will ask for some ass for a ride and youll happily pay it.
They are the ones who love you
They are the ones who drive you nuts but also do the same to them.

Friends are rare. Acquaintances are numerous and enemies are in the thousands.

and if no one will put you above themselves...Put yourself above everyone else

and No one will help you. But you shouldn't follow in the same footsteps

After wating for a few days it seems as though my phone is back up and running. I am NEVER going to give up this phone. It survived SOOOOOOO much abuse and shit. I am so thankful to have it back up again. *Kisses phone screen* Love ya!!!