Alright. I guess it's time to get serious business about this writing stuff eh? It's been long enough. I'm working on something for my good friend Baka, and I finished something for Faver. Let's see where this goes shall we?

So as you know, or don't know, I didn't exactly make a whole lot of friends until like, the summer, I was gone from fur affinity, for like a super long time, not that any one gives a damn. Seriously, I offer NOTHING to the fandom, and I'm made peace with that. Anyway, I moved up here on December 16th, and I've been here for almost a full year. I moved straight out of home, a job lined up, no car, the closest school that offered my desired program 30 miles away, and I had no friends. A lot of my time was spent watching netflix,being on facebook, texting old friends, and waiting for the only person I knew to come home and talk to me. I think I drove sweet Faver Jo crazy for a little while, but I will always cherish the first night we spent in our home together, and I will always cherish those months when we were re-introducing ourselves to each other, so to speak. I was so standoffish to most of the furs the first few months I was here, couple that with a few misunderstandings, and some drama, I had no friends until I met Eva, and her then-mate Drako. As awesome as Eva was, I never got to see her much and it really wasn't until I got to meet Baka, that I came out of my shell. She introduced me to Komplex and the whole ball started rolling. That being said, I am so grateful for the people I have in my life that took the time to know me.
My social life isn't the only thing that changed. Mid-December my job at caribou started and that's all well and good. I still work there and its a job I guess. I finally did get a car, mid summer when my parents decided they were done punishing me for something I have yet to figure out. My little 2003 Gen 1 Honda Insight is my first car and I'm pretty proud of that thing. The bill that comes with it however, tempers my love for it. And this fall, I finally got back in school, which was something I wasn't looking forward too. I still don't enjoy it as much as I probably should, but I am glad that I can go and that it will lead me to somewhere besides working in the service industry.
I am dazed at the moment, almost disoriented. This year went by so damn fast it's scary. I'm sitting in our new apartment, typing on Faver's new computer in OUR room in MINNESOTA. Sometimes I have to remind myself how long its been and it really makes me wonder how fast the rest of my life is going to go. And as I look back now, I ask myself, would I have done anything differently? No. Absolutely not. I am so happy with the way my life is right now, and I am so enormously awed by how affected my life is by such a change.
All in all, this past almost year, has been beautifully and startlingly bitter sweet.

It appears that I have a reason to be on this silly thing. :3 All my new friends from MFF. I wanna stalk them. So what's new in this bunny's life? Oh just a fuck ton. Got a new car, got a job at caribou, but you know that, finally actually in school. I am at an okay place in my life now that all the drama bombs that went off during the beginning of my life here are faded. Maybe I'll even have some inspiration to write again. Hah. No.
So oh wow, MFF, my first con, was THE BEST. I made so many new friends, I got to see the whole furry community, and everything was just a screaming little happy ball of sunshine and pine needles. I went to a few panels, I even got my first piece of fur art thanks to Baka. Ah. That lady is the best. :3 so furries, we're not all that bad, eh?

I now live with my mate faver in eagan mn. I'm going to school at century. I still suck at writing. I work for caribou. That is all.

Gonna be on FA a lot less. Just keep it to check up on people. I'm no artist and Fur Nation is where I'm at.

Must find tri-care provider in MN.
Must send off transcripts.
Must box up clothes.
Must sell ipod nano and possibly my nintendo ds.
For the time being must get better lock on door. >.> Shifty bitches.
X3 Furry country here I come.

Everything is pissing me off lately.

So many thought bubbles and all of em pop. Stupid writer's block.

There are a few things that have happened that I don't wanna name. I just want to vent right now. Things make me question why people are nice to me. I can't take people at face value anymore and I have to watch my words. I hate it. So much. I hate feeling like I'm living on a fucking battlefield. Like the people I once loved so much are now enemies drawn on different sides of a playing field. I hate that I hate myself for wanting to stand up and scream but at this point what left can I do? I can't trust anymore. I feel damaged.
Night fur affinity.
And an addendum, Just because I've made a decision that you dont like, dont fucking shun me.

The visit with my mate Faver went exceedingly well. My first furmeet was so exciting, I made a lot of new friends, including one lovely new (pending) couple. You know who you are. You blew me off for sushi. How dare you. I'll forgive you however. <3 I had a lot of fun and I cant wait to come back. Permanently. If people will get off my ass about my assets, such as my van, my life.
Now to sleep.

I guess I should illuminate a couple of things if anyone is out there actually reading this thing. Classes started today and I'm taking water aerobics and a public speaking class, as it's the two most universal credits. Hopefully they'll transfer to century, which is where I'm looking at. I have my official transcripts ready and I just need my high school transcripts sealed and ready.
So there's a trip up north planned in three days and it will be my second trip to see my mate Faver. As perfect as it's going to be, its going to suck coming home to Texas, were as of late, I've been less than welcomed. I just hope soon that I wont have to come back down to the south where everything sucks.
About the latest poem....I'm not so sure if it's going to be posted. It's still very much in vitero and I don't think it's something I want other people to see. I'm actually regretting even mentioning it. That being said, I'm not too much of an artist am I? So having said that I don't much feel like I belong on Fur Affinity.

So money is the problem. I'm gonna be broke after these last car payments and x.x there goes saving up to move. Idk what I'm gonna do. Probably work every day of the week during nights. One day off a week and do that for a couple of months. Thank god for the job I have. I can't imagine trying to do all of this with no job at all. Sonic may suck but at least it's there. :c I just really hope that they will be there when I get back.

Deep dark tendrils of depression,
Creep across my mind,
Leaving shadows in their wake,
Too dark so I can't find,
Thoughts that are not my own invade my inner space,
Alien and alone, I lay within my bed,
Trying to escape the hell,
That has become my head,
Please dear god close my eyes,
For the last and final time,
So I may find my own sweet peace,
Quiet and sublime,
I tire of my sadness,
This disgusting, sick, oppression,
I'm simply sick and tired,
Of this horrible black depression,
It takes all of my strength in the morning,
To smile to all those who look my way,
It takes every ounce of strength,
To face every single day,
The joys that I once had,
Leave me when I wake,
Dark and angry demons,
Try to make me break,
Dear sweet zoloft,
My faithful, never failing friend,
You are alone with me,
Until the very end,
Evil dark tendrils,
I feel you clutching me,
Evil dark enemy,
Something I can't see,
Every night I bolster my strength,
And try to distract my heart,
Before the demons start to wake,
Before they get their start,
Each thought before I sleep is that hopefully things will be different,
Tomorrow when I glance in the mirror, the shadow wont be there,
Looming over me when I brush my teeth,
Or when I straighten my hair,
This darkness has become my shadow,
This monster wont let me be,
This deep and evil thing,
That I can never see,
"Invisible fiend,"
I manage to cry,
Through clenched and tear soaked fingers,
"Why wont you leave me alone, no matter what I try?!"
I prayed to the gods for the strength,
To make it through my life,
But every twist and turn I encounter,
Lays a hidden knife,
"Please let me live in peace,"
I beg these tendrils of black,
But as they squeeze upon my body,
I feel myself go slack.

I want to be invisible,
I want to be a ghost,
I want to be a spirit,
With no body for a host,
I want nobody to see me,
Nobody to be around,
Nobody will ever find me,
Because my steps wont make a sound,
The living world is not for me,
I'll go somewhere I belong,
I'll dwell within the spirit world,
No one will do me wrong,
I'll lay within my precious coffin,
Within the world of the dead,
It will be quiet there I think,
Not a word will ever be said,
I'll sleep within my peaceful realm,
And dream of better days,
Where everything was better once,
In simple loving ways,
You will never find me there,
I am finally free,
For now I am spectral,
Something you will never see,
Your poison cannot touch me now,
It will simply wash away,
Your means of torture are useless,
Save them for another day,
I am finally free of all of you,
I feel my spirit flying,
All of you are stuck now,
With a rotting corpse that lays lying,
Try to understand me now,
I never wished to die,
I simply wanted to be free of it all,
Never wanted to live a lie,
I am who I am,
And that is plain to see,
I cannot be who you want me to,
I can only be me.

A man dressed in white walking one day came upon a woman knelt and crying,
This man in white knelt beside her and peered into her face,
And noted that this striking woman had the most striking eyes,
Something familiar and lovely, something he had seen,
Storm grey like upset skies,
He could have sworn he had seen her before, it was like something out of a dream,
Something that his mind thought up, something he wanted to see,
He found himself racing against time, trying to grasp her hand,
But time was very fickle, it had its own agenda,
And when he turned to take her appendage, he found it turned to sand,
That night he laid down in his bed, safe from the wicked world,
He closed his eyes against the unfamiliar faces and raced towards his dreams,
The next day he was walking again, dressed in white once more,
And again he found that sad little woman,
Sobbing, alone, and poor,
When he reached out again to take her hand, he finally found the strength,
And asked her with a gentle voice,
"Dear woman. Who are you?"
This woman blinked her eyes, unable to find her own tone,
She seemed shocked and unable to talk, her voice seemed to have left her,
"Dear man have you forgot me? Forgive me for my choice,"
The man was quizzical, he didn't understand,
"What choice was that my dear woman?"
With this the woman took a hitching breath, she was unable to start,
Then she said something that would shock the world,
Something that would break his heart,
"My dear sweet husband, you are so very ill, and I was so very weak,"
"Please try to understand me, please try to hear me out,"
"As time wore on you forgot, and it was slow at first."
"But then advanced. You forgot to feed yourself when you were hungry."
"Forgot to quench your thirst."
"You forgot my name, and who you were. And I couldn't bear to watch,"
This man looked at her, and tears coursed down his face,
This man dressed in white was in a hospital gown,
Everyday he would walk the halls lost,
And with his wife's love he would be found.
And even though his mind forgot,
And his thoughts were scattered to the wind,
His heart remembered the love of his wife,
Remembered everything about them,
Remembered their forgotten life,
And it was his heart that made him walk the halls,
That made him try to remember her at night,
And it was their love that would keep her coming every day,
And it was their love that would never forsake them,
And save them, in every way.

I'm ready to get everyone's poison out of my life. Out of my heart, out of my mind. I'm tired of living in a cage. In a close minded society where I'm held down and restrained. I'm tired of everyone and everything. The people around me seem to have this ideal image of me. Little ms. republican. Little ms. scholar. Little ms. obedience. I wish they would tell me what they see because I'm still trying to figure that out. I feel smothered. Smothered by my family, smothered by the people who don't know the real me. The furry. The rabbit. Chiyo. They know what they see, or what they wish to perceive. I'm so tired of hiding. Of being fake. I want to be able to show them me. All of me. But rejection, once again, makes us all into cowards. I cannot be the norm. I want to be the exception to the rule that you all have laid down on me. I'm at a point in my life where I'm leaving my comfort zone and while it's exciting and amazing, it also makes me wonder, can I handle life? Can I handle the challenges thrown at me and the struggles that are sure to follow. I hope so. I'm ready to leave the restrictions that my family has placed on me. I'm ready for a new life and new friends. I'm ready for this new community that has so readily accepted me.
So. The only problem is, they're not.

I feel too much. I read too much into things and I'm completely insecure. It hurts sometimes. To perceive things I believe to be there, to hold too much emotional stake in something that is false. I'm sure I stepped on people. I'm sure I've harmed people unintentionally. I fly off the handle I'm reckless and I cant be made to stand still. All I can perceive is time slipping through my fingers as swiftly as water shifts through cracks in a vase. And it seems all I can do is try to clench my fingers and make time stop, but it's just so ineffective and painful. My future is at a crossroads that I'm both thrilled with and worried for. Am I a strong enough person to succeed? Do I have the willpower to do what has to be done. I certainly hope so. Big decisions are going to have to be made soon and I keep putting them off, hoping I'll have more time. It's really not helping. Sometimes I wish I could unlearn things about people. Things I wasn't meant to see, things I wasn't meant to learn. I would unlearn a lot of information if I could, unfortunately. I wish I could close my eyes, unlearn certain facts and stay in the dark. Ugh. Maybe its just a depressive spell coming on. Who knows..x.x
Onto more happy matters. My mate Faver, had recently come down for a four day vacation. We stayed on the edge of a tiny town in a small hotel. Everything was so perfect and wonderful. It seemed our time was too short, and from the moment I picked him up at the airport I felt some sort of clock ticking. It's unfortunate that we only had four days, but we both work and we're both busy. Hopefully someday we'll be able to see each other more often. I miss him dearly now. It's hard not waking up to the person you love.

So here it is. The first time I'm going to publicly vent. Fuck you. Fuck all of you close minded bastards. Fuck all of you assholes who ask me to change and be someone I'm not. I'm done going out on a limb and putting my heart out there for you all to walk all over it. You close minded assholes drive me nuts. I cannot take one more snarky comment or hurtful action. I give up. I cant take it. Fuck it. Why bother? I'm done. Done. D-O-N-E. So dont ask me whats wrong when I appear mad. Don't tell me to stop being who I am. Treat me as a god damn person. I'm sick and fucking fed up of hurting. I can't do it. "Friends" is such a fucking subjective term.

So recently I had a conversation with a furry friend of mine, who's dating someone who doesn't yet know that she's a furry. Well it turns out he's not as accepting of furries as most people are. I can't imagine how telling him is going to go. Or what the relationship is going to be like afterwards. I suppose it's rude of me to speculate but one can't help but wonder. If someone who is so against furries is with a furry, will they change their views and try to be more accepting? I can only hope so. I'm fortunate enough to have a mate that's within the furry community. Friends on the other hand are an entirely different story. I have, unfortunatly, very close minded friends. The term "fur fag" has been thrown around quite a bit. I really don't think I could be open and honest with them about this portion of my life. I guess the term "friend" is subjective as long as we're conforming to each others morals.

Where do I start? Why is it that our neighbors to the north get free health care and they're not called socialists? Why is it that the improverished people in our nation are forced to go without medical care and are left untreated or are forced into a free clinic where the doctors there are usually being "punished" for insibordination. "Only socialists have free healthcare!" BULLSHIT!! Isnt everyone entilted to a healthy body? Isn't everyone entilted to life?! So why is it that everytime I turn around someone is saying, "I can't afford to go to the doctor. I can't afford this procedure. If only he had medical care. If only I had insurance." I swear to god. We're the only country that values the all mighty dollar over our people's lives. We're the only society that will bully our people into the ground and never blink an eye. I'm sick to DEATH of our own greed. And thank god I have some kind of coverage. Otherwise? No doctor will dare help me. Fuck the american government. Keep your rules off of my body and your eyes on your nations health. :/

Is ignorance really bliss? I wonder. I find it hilarious when people are ignorant to other people's lives, situations, diseases, the like. Take today for example. I overheard someone in Razoo's discussing ADHD. "Maybe you're not hitting her hard enough?" -.-; Good parent. Right there. ADHD isnt something we can help. I'd love to not have to take ritalin everyday. I'd have loved to just be able to sit down and relax. And hitting me, or screaming at me, isn't going to make me stop. So you know what? Fuck you ignorant parent. If hitting your kid is how you fix their problems, I shudder to think how you handle confrontation.



On a much lighter note, I finished up my assignments and I picked up a thursday shift to be able to get funds for an upcoing vaycay with my puppy. Miss him.

Lol so I guess furries aren't as instant sea monkey friends as I thought. x.x I'm planning on going to mff with my mate and I'm excited for that. Classes are starting so hopefully that will break up the drudgery. I need some sort of art comissioned but I'm leaning towards asking my talented puppy. Idk. x.x; I need to make new friends

So this entire thing is new to me. The community. The people. Everyone. Not sure how to go about making new friends or anything and it kinda feels like I did in hs. Shy. Alone. I'm not much of an artist. More of a writer. Maybe if I'm brave enough stuff might get posted? Who knows. But for now..I'm taking these tentative new steps into a world in which I hope very much to find acceptance. <3