...well, it's been a while; but...

1 month ago, on February 14th, I learned from one of staff members of the trans*littles chat I run, that my lovely furbrother, long time friend, and overall joy to be around; the great - better known to me as Luka ; passed away on February 4th 2024.

My dear brother, I feel so sorry for being so busy with life, and unintentionally neglecting to talk to you more often.

The time we spent together online, close to 10-11 years of friendship, and way how you always knew to make me feel better, despite my lack of communicating, and my lack of knowing about your illness, it makes me feel kind of sad, especially because I regret that I couldn't send you a last Xmas card this past year, as much as I should have.

Luka sweetie, thank you so much for being my friend, and being in my life for all these years.

You were a great friend, a great person, and your existence touched many lives, and made it countless times better.

I'm sorry if I was unintentionally distant, or not very much talkative, this past while, especially because you always seemed to have been there for me.

I miss you so much right now, my brother.

I love you Luka, rest well.

- Claudi -

.. Just a silly recollection for me; but.. In about 2.5 monthn it will be the 3rd time of me flying to the US..

Commemorating my 5th year anniversary of flying to the US, as well as... Figuratively putting a marker for what seems to have been one of the most difficult episodes of my life...

Dealing with a toxic relationship, where I was forced to be a big emotionally; and simultaneously treated like a toy... And maybe a wallet... Idk...

When you come from a family where emotional abuse and neglect is normalized.... Stuff like that take a while to get picked up... Even moreso with rose-tinted glasses....


Then... There's the getting homeless, and trying to keep yourself safe... And.. Meow... The episode of where you end up in slumlord's grasp, and slowly whittle trough your reserves....

Then get to hear you *mayhaps* have gotten hiv from your ex-fucking fiancee, and get receipts from someone... And get subsequent slanderous attacks from your ex-fiancee... Because you found out.... *sigh*

It's... Sad... Especially when you realize that it was a very sick attempt of her to garner attention and sympathy; based upon the jealousy of her umpteenth victim getting diagnosed for other things....

Needless to say; the period between hearing that, getting tested, and trying to barter for peace in your head... And meow... Resignation for worst case scenario is.. Ugh... But thanks, S. Just like your daddy, you too have the unique ability to destroy people's lives....



At the brighter side tho... Getting my own little place to live, getting diagnosed with ADHD properly... Adopting a lovely senior cat from the shelter; and meeting a lovely snep, a lovely skonk, and a sweetheart catboi, kind of are things that really make these 5 years seem so short... And I'm do happy to finally get to hug them all...

As well as finally seeing my non-furry, yet very much Leo sister again, with whom I share an overlapping birthday...

It's things I look forward to....💜

And it feels strange... Thinking about where I was 5 years ago, and where I am right now..

Just... Stuff on my mind, now that I finally have a solid home, and having been living here in a tiny town near the Belgian border called axel, since December 15th 2020, .. I realize how....much I'm feeling "human" for the first time in an incredibly long time.

And... How much I've missed this feeling, growing up, and... living in institutions for the.. Greater part of my adult, and late teenage life, including the... Forced living in a matchbox-sort of room, that trailed me all the way until I finally left Gronau, last November; after spending 25 months in there, against my will, in the "ausländ"; because the Netherlands is impossible to situated, unless you have a ton of patience...

Anyhow; now, being free.. I feel a lot of creativity in my life, that I've literally been unable to express, for many years..

And I realize that.... Meow... Just.. .
Sitting down at my table that  dustythedancingwusky and  fleurdilis so kindly provided me with, on the first weekend I got here, and putting a few moments of dedication into my projects, really just... Helps me with my mood a little bit.

Even though my sewing skills are awful, and my soldering skills are terrible; I'm hoping to at least get something worthwhile going.

Im also still, incredibly grateful for having friends like dusty and fleur near, I can't overstate this enough; they're awesome sweethearts, whom also helped me with the adoption of my cat, and bringing her home, as I'm still without a license; and.. Everything is on car-distance here.. -.-

so... yeah; i guess that i've finally made the big moment then....

starting april third (which; at the moment of writing is just about 2-3 days away) ; i'll finally be starting HRT officially.

which is weird, in a way; yet, also a milestone...

badically ; (and i guess i've told this over a million times now...)
april 3rd, makes it somewhat of an exact 37 months, since i finally fell out of the closet :3

..with that whole day, and the days prior; as well as most of the beginning of 2014, being somewhat of a buzzkill for me, because of the promise i made to myself those long-gone 10 years prior.


but meow.

having finally uttered the big T word on march 3rd 2014, sort of marked the beginning of acceptance, i guess; after having faced another 2 months of difficult terrain, and intense self struggles, and... outlooks.

fast forward the time to the end of may and i finally called the genderclinic for help and assistance with Transitioning, with them still having a 1-month grace period at the time, to compensate for intake-stop; caused by a conflict, between them; and the healthcare-insurance corporations; at the end of 2013.

for what the rest accounts; i can be short; i guess.

having had lots of tests, and lots of burocratic hoops to jump trough, and lots of psychiatric screening from there,, and having faced a major mental meltdown in 2015, because of the whole hetero-anamnesis bullshittery (this is where they will ask someone that knows you very well, and ask them about it all, and then validate this all with you... (and this is VERY upsetting.) which sort of caused the rest of my things to just run awry, and... mewf.

i guess i can be somewhat glad; when i finally got my green light this past january; and being originally scheduled for an early june; with a sudden call in early march, asking if i was interested in an earlier date of april;

which.. sort of blew me out of the water, and... really made this past month into something of a weird, but exciting month, with even more stuff to tie up.

//en fin; writing this is weird, and has taken me over an hour to do so; so please forgive me for any form of incoherency and inconsistency, because its difficult to not let everything descend into a long venty-piece of post; where noone gets any the wiser.

just a signal boost for akemi-ami whomhas reached 123 watchers, and is holding a cute raffle now

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8059389

so.... yeah; i guess that last november silently marked the 10 year anniversary of miss Bunsen in the Fandom :)

i still remember quite silently how i came in on IRC, back on a... saturday at the second half of November; and how.... i actually up until today have never left ^_^


for those who'd like to know this; because it might be relevant for some :)

my first Fursona was a white bunny; with already her trademarked semiflop-to looselyflop earses. i think this was influenced by just... bunnies in general, and their overall high level of adorableness.

eventually; over the course of 2007; this bunbun became more aware of her Felid nature; and... eventually she " evolved" more or less into what i first called; a "Feline Bunny" around the early tides of 2008
with still a massive thanks to  lepkitty for giving me that one name that will for always be the Definition of my mosrt Beloved Species; Cabbits!

then; back in 2008; my first *real* secondary character; was formed; the soft and lovely Leona D. Lioness.

skip time forward; and i'm amazed theres already been a decade passed by; as it surely did'nt feel as that long since i firstly entered the fandom; being just a slow-ish lonely kitten; that was looking for a placefor herself :)

and now i'm marking over 10 years with close knit friendships, loyalty, trust and furfamily.

and ofcourse : haters as well; because some people like to be a complete idiot, and tarnish their reputation as an artist, because saying stuff like " i wish your mother swallowed" and " special snowflake" and suggestions of killing yourself, because you're trans and thus a " special snowflake" are apparently very cool, when you can say such in private; and even go as far calling someone a liar, because your status as an artist, apparently makes you invulnerable to critique :)... and i really should stop taking the piss out of our little sad friend here, because even though they have been sent after me; i do not hate, nor carry an ill fate towards them; seeing we've both been doublecrossed by the same person; i guess :)


for all what its worth; i somewhat guess that i should celebrate my 12.5 years anniversary somewhere in june or may 2018; and then look back on some other stuff of my past times.

and ofcourse; thanks for reading this measly spitball of a journal, thanks for commenting; and thanks for being so kind to not comment either :)

and remember; Claudi LOVES YOU ALL!

#eof

rest in peace dear

i'm sorry that i never took up the true courage to get to know you better.

but in the end, thanks for being one of my watchers, and thanks for making us part of your life

for all that its worth, i hope your weary soul can finally find some rest and ease.

no longer having to move around the country, no longer having to worry about it

my dear Sesame, thanks for everything, once more

may you never be forgotten.

-Claudi.

[blank]

like the topic says, i dont really have much to talk about at the moment, so; Meow; i guess

like the title suggests... i has a date :)

now this will not be a date-date, like the kind of date for dating someone, but moreof

the first date, i got for my first Diagnostic talk with my appointed psychologist from the Amsterdam GenderDysphoria clinic(afterwards just called GenderClinic, since its more easy on the tongue)


after my intake talk (which was at august 7th), this should be the first real milestone in the long, but well worth transition, into becoming a bit more one, under myself :)

i'm a bit pleasantly surprised about having been coming up so soon, seeing that about of 200+ submissions of fellow transgenders, whom also need their mandatory help

getting pulled out after about 2 months of waiting, is kind of a pleasant surprise, methinks ^_^

i finally got my first package of letters from the Genderclinic in Amsterdam today :)

basically; the first letter is all about introductions, and reaffirming me that i did indeed, signed myself up for the medical trajectory :)

as well as telling me i am on queue for an intake

the second and third letter, are for the doc, and for the psychologist; juridically giving them access to my relevant medical files

as well as a return envelope, and a booklet, that describes everything

so i sorta guess this means i can finally stick up a finger to my crazy family; and give myself the life i was destined to live ^_^

even though i may sound happy about it; all of this is very much giving me a dueling duality in my head

which is weird, even if its prolly for the best to go down this; and bite the bullet, seeing life isnt gonna get any easier, living as a boy

EDiT : i just noticed i furgot a title, so here it is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg2fwlFsZss

this is undeniably, probably the cutest/bestest piece of airwave pollution made by my fine eastern neighbours at the Hessischer rundfunk :) (germany )^^

//on a sidenote, i really am bad in writing anything remotely interesting about my current day to day life, but maybe i will write some long and dreaded post again in the future ^_^

so.... i guess its time to post a breakdown here, on a somewhat accessible, and rather empty part of my life ^^

//anyway

april 1st, or moreof april second/third; will mark the end of my official first month period, that started with the words i always was afraid to say; coming clear to a very good friend, whom gave me the courage i needed to stand up for myself; making me realize that i still have a better chance at life, regardless of all the bad that happened in my past, partially fueled by the destructive force of Genderic Dysphoria, which haunted most of my beloved and precious relationships, caused me lots of anger, and almost always caused me to being unable to face someone because the experience of someone getting closer towards an intimate level always caused a lot of pain, and and grief, and unwantedly caused me to most likely break some hearts, and even going up to them and saying sorry, and trying to make up to them; is proably not gonna work like i would wish for, as its still too early in the process, yet; i still wish i could do more to than just... wish them the best of luck to them, and try to keep them as a friend; as i never really had friends as a boy; and even if there is no second chance for me to be living fulltime like a boy, i still would wish for some of my friends to still just... accept me the way i am, as it was never really in my paws and in my fate to be a boy, and... even if i tried to; i failed, i failed hard, and harder, and up until the point that you look into the mirror, and see that all your mutterings, writings and emotions, besides maybe coming out as anger, and for some people as being unnatural, and unbinary male behaviour; once you painted yourself into that same corner for the millionth time, or played your game of chess, regardless of which move you put up first; you will always end up checkmate, and having to come into touch with your own feelings; and regardless of all the crytime i had already, and all the crytime that will prolly still follow; i have a serene form of peace with that.

because for the first time in my life; i'm no longer afraid to say it of myself, and to come out in all honesty for myself;


Claudandus is a Female; regardless of what the outside, or others may say; and she is fine with being that.

// in all honesty; i really hope that this cluttered piece is still readable, as i had to cut and copy and rephrase a lot in it, but yet; it felt really good to write this out, and stick it somewhere; so i can serve as a piece of timestamp for my recollections ^_^ -<3 - Claudi

as the subject says : happy and healthy 2014, wished to everyone from this Floofy Cabbit ^_^

for the rules and the regulations ;


read  toddlergirl's journalpost located here

^-^

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4971247/ *pimp*

 aricub is doing a mommy and me raffle ^_^

be sure to read the rules of the raffle for explanations and such




E D i T : my BBCode skills need some honing -.-'