We're in desperate need for $800 before Friday.

Parents promised to sell their house to us exclusively and we had until December to get the loan. In the meantime they told us to go ahead and move in. We were called last Monday and told they accepted an offer that was $30,000 higher than they promised it to us for. So we contacted a loan agent and started work on getting a loan to move. We were called again last Saturday (the 25th) and were told they're coming up this Friday (the 31st) to finalize the sale and the new owner is ready to move in as soon as it's done. The new owner was told they had already given us our 30 days notice and they're moving here from out of state.

We passed the credit check and have the 10% down payment. We just need the last $800 for closing costs and the first month's payment. We already have the other $9,200 needed. We are guaranteed the loan and have a place lined up if we can get the last $800 before Friday. Otherwise, I'm not sure where we'll go.

Please, please, please if you can spare anything it would really help. We have stuff for sale and I have commissions open. I posted two of the things for sale on my page. Go to  diabolous49 to see more stuff for sale.

Xander and I go to our local zoo at least once a year. We always overhear something interesting.

So far my favorite things I have overheard are:

- A woman stating that the cranes were doing mating calls because they liked the gong in the Asian part of the park.
- Various small children announcing that the guinea fowl are turkeys/chickens/vultures.
- A pre-teen girl repeatedly asking what was in an enclosure while a girl in her group read the sign aloud right next to her. She never did figure out what she was looking at.
- A small child stating that they thought the red panda looked like a skunk. I could understand a raccoon, but I still can't figure out what kind of skunk he saw that looked like a red panda.

The second place favorite goes to:

- A woman who kept yelling over the handler as she was doing her show wanting to know what the animal was. The handler and several members of the audience told her, repeatedly, it was an aardvark. When someone in her own group told her it was an aardvark she replied, "That's what I heard too, but I want to know!" Ultimately she left the show without ever accepting that the animal was an aardvark.


The winner is this gem I just heard this weekend:

- Squirtle is a fish and an ice type. That's why the guy was able to catch it by the polar bear exhibit.

Lately, I've been working on drawings I never finish. It's like I get done with the sketch and ink, but hate the way I color. It's weird.

I've been in a nostalgic/depressed sort of mood too. I went on SL today and looked through my avatars. Some are 8 years old and they seriously look horrible. I took pictures of a lot of them in the hopes of drawing less horrible versions of them. Mostly, they brought to mind fun times with old friends. I could remember building every avatar and what was going on at that time as if I was looking at a photo. Good times. Sure there were a lot of bad times too, but I found myself missing a lot of the people in those memories.

I remember all of the good times I had, but I don't know how I ever became friends with them. In most cases it seems like I just hung around until they included me. Kinda creepy. I guess I'm a Grade A lurker. These days it's just me and Xander. We see Ces at Christmas, but that's it. Some days I miss all those pinging chat windows. Other days I find something new to watch or buy a new video game.

I hope the world is treating all of my old friends well. I think about them often.

I'm late to the party, but at least I showed up! Cesipoo gave me a new tablet for Christmas. I'm currently trying to remind my body how to draw and relearning my old tools. Soon there will be so much art. I am sharing a computer so odds are art will be slow, but it will come. Look forward to it!

Medical -

I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. That was causing a large portion of my anxiety and depression. It was also causing my heart and breathing problems. It caused my tremors and flash fevers. There was a bunch of other minor things it caused as well. I'm on meds for the hypo and still on meds for anxiety. Still can't talk to strangers, drive or do shopping on my own, but looking into saving money for college.

I'm also getting new reading glasses. The doc offered bifocals, but recanted his offer. To quote, "You can at least see well enough to pass the driving test." It's not like I want to see the world in HD or anything. Clint Eastwood would be proud of my squinty eyes. At least I'll be able to read without strain when my glasses come in.

Drawing -

Dunno when I'll start drawing again. I still don't have a new tablet or my own computer. Ink painting is impossible with kittens, rain and mosquitoes. I only have a handful of copics so I'm limited in what I can do with them. I also need to get better drawing paper. I haven't been to Dick's in ages. Maybe after I get more supplies.

Animals -

Down to one rat and now raising chickens. Expect chicken pictures! I'm getting a new camera curtsey of Cesipoo. It will arrive in a few days.

On 4/27/12 I lost the first person I had chosen to trust completely after years and years of mental and physical abuse that almost turned into full on sexual abuse at the
hands of my own mom, her third husband and my brother. That man was my rock, my inspiration and my encouragement. He meant everything to me.

When I first met him I had been surprisingly popular online. I had to juggle multiple chat windows during busy hours (I really don't miss that, to be honest). After I started dating him I slowly lost all of those friends except one. I lost them for various reasons but he was the center of it. I refused to believe he would cheat on me, I refused to cheat on him or dump him to date people I thought were friends, etc.

My own dad encouraged me to dump him 3 years into our relationship after finding out he was Navy. He said he'd break my heart. I told him he was worrying over nothing and he would never cheat on me. I didn't care if I lost my "friends" because I believed in him but I struggled to convince my dad that if he did decide to dump me he'd be decent enough to do so before hooking up with someone else.

Unfortunately, I was wrong and should have, at least, trusted my dad's wisdom. On that day my world shattered as he told me he had, in fact, been cheating on me and was much happier with that person and wanted to marry them. He placed the blame largely on me. I asked why I wasn't good enough, what had I done wrong. He never answered no matter how many times I begged him to tell me. He told me how great the new person was while tearing down every bit of confidence he had given me over the years. The irony of his actions was that he had initially refused to date me years before because he said every girl he had ever dated had cheated on him and he didn't want to ever feel like that ever again. This time he decided to inflict that pain.

In another unfortunate turn, he decided to injure someone who was already broken and struggling with hidden depression and a constant overdose of anxiety as it was. I laid in bed for months after that barely eating, crying every time I managed to hydrate myself and vomiting. Some days I would just stare into space without seeing anything and not knowing how much time had passed. I tried to commit suicide twice while the people around me were too busy arguing about who would date me next. My life at that moment was lonelier, darker and more desperate than any other time in my life. I dropped all contact with my dad because I couldn't face him, which hurt him. I cut myself off from everything slowly. I stopped drawing because I didn't feel the flare of inspiration I used to have despite how many compliments my pony art received. I went through the motions of daily life while hiding my pain from those around me because I was afraid to trust anyone again.

Worse still, was that I continued to love him as much as I always had and still do. I couldn't bring myself to hate him and still can't. It made me feel confused, angry and depressed. I felt the longing for him just as I always did between his visits and some nights I still dream that it was all a nightmare only to wake up and realize he's gone. I lost more than just a man I loved and cherished that day. I lost a best friend and the person who made me start to believe in myself after years of hating everything about me that makes me who I am.

During the time of my first suicide attempt two people came to my side. Xander sat at my bedside daily begging me to eat and drink, he would sit up at night and comb my hair or just sit quietly with me while I cried. He stopped both of my attempts at suicide and introduced me to new things to keep my mind off of my pain and wanting to die. Ces, who had been my only friend to stay with me after I started dating my lost one, stayed with me online when he could and let me talk and rant and gave the best advice he had.

When I had a sudden, crippling relapse and tried again at suicide I asked Xander to take me to a doctor. I told him I needed help. I needed the medication I had been
refusing since I was a teenager. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. We didn't really have the money but he made it work so I could get better and Jay sent money to help as he could.

It's been a long road since then. I still cry at night sometimes though it is, thankfully, rare these days. I can't look at my old photos, even the ones without him in them, without my stomach turning at times when I'm particularly sensitive. I had Xander box up everything from those years until I feel I can bring them out again without pain. There were 4 years consumed with him, times that had been happy, times I felt content and at peace that now bring me pain.

I sometimes flinch when I tell a story that involves him and bring back the pain. I'm getting better though. I can tell a lot of the stories and just laugh about the stupid, silly things he used to do. It's thanks to Xander and Ces that I can do that and am alive today. It's thanks to my doctor that I stopped feeling suicidal. (Though it is also thanks to her that I have an ulcer so I am in the market for a new doctor still.) It's thanks to my own resilience and ability to believe in people again as well as Ces and Xander that I can smile and laugh today.

February 12th will mark my 26th year. It was a birthday I looked forward to more than any other since the day I met him. This was the year he was going to be retiring
from the Navy. As my birthday draws closer I sometimes feel giddy and then the crippling pain returns as I remember the reason I feel giddy no longer exists. I want to take this year and my failed attempts at killing myself to aim for a new life, a happier life with less pain and more good memories. I want to spend my new life treasuring Ces and Xander and dream new dreams.

Who knows what this year will bring for me but I hope I can give as much to Xander and Ces as they give to me. I hope I'll get better and better every day. I hope someday I'll be able to live without the mental pains my life has given me so far. Unfortunately, I won't be rid of the physical pains but that's what doctors are for. I want to try to get into drawing again and reconnect with my dad. I'm also finally getting chickens and I'll be building a huge garden. I have a sewing machine now too. My grandparents, in the form of their ashes, will be coming to live with me too! I haven't seen them since I last saw my dad years ago. I believe my life this year will be good.

Thank you, Ces and Xander. I wouldn't be here without you. You guys are my true foundation. Without you I could never have built myself back up. I hope we'll be together for our lives. I'll need at least that much time to repay you both for giving me my own life back. Here's to another round of Halo, another marathon of Dr. Who and many more years of friendship. I love you guys with every fiber of my being and always will.

Anne and Marble passed on. We found Anne dead the other morning and Marble started having seizures a few nights ago and died shortly after.

Lucky went to the vet today and we found out she is actually a he. He's a 6 - 7 week old kitten. They tested him for leukemia and FIV which he was negative for. The doc gave him a capstar tablet, a dose of dewormer and antibiotics.

They want him to have the full course of antibiotics before we give him the 30 day dose of flea meds. They also sent us home with the second dose of dewormer.

After all that they'll give him his vaccines and then onto the neutering.

Lucky was joined by two of her sisters today.

Marble showed up to our yard for food. Every step she took she'd either wobble or completely fall over so we caught her and caged her.

Then as we were heading outside again Xander caught sight of the runty black kitten. Her whole left eye is jacked up. The whole left side of her face is swollen and red. Where her eye should be there's only a ton of white puss. So I caught her and caged her up too.

We're both covered in bites and scratches now.

Xander's going to call the vet tomorrow (Lucky hadn't been in yet since she wasn't in super bad shape). Here's hoping the doc will work with us on the payment.

I've been on a mission since earlier this summer to capture the "white kitten" that was born next door. Xander said if I could catch her I could keep her since she was a rare sight.

Last night I finally managed to catch her. I happened to be outside in the chill air trying to calm my upset stomach when she walked right up to me (she didn't realize I was there). She turned out to be a flame point siamese.

She's in a kennel in the bedroom separated from the other cats for now while we get her fixed up. She's sick, skinny as a rail and super dirty but after a vet visit, good food and a bath I think she'll do fine. Her lungs already sound a good bit better this morning after sleeping in a warm room.

Surprisingly, today when I reached into the kennel to clean out and check her poop (it was good) she started purring and rubbing all over me. She should be feral so I was surprised. I have a natural way with cats but it's taken me at least a few days to get a feral to trust me in the past.

I named her Lucky because she hadn't managed to get hit by a car or picked off by a predator.

There are strange things about me that are sometimes amusing.

1) I have a hard time seeing glass.
I have to touch my fingers to a fish tank to avoid conking my head into the glass if I get excited. I've slammed into glass doors because I was used to them being open and suddenly they were closed and I couldn't tell. I have also cracked my head on numerous windows because I got excited and couldn't tell where the glass was.

2) I can't read analog clocks.
I've had countless teachers, tutors, parents, etc try to teach me how to read analog clocks but I can't. I wore an analog watch all through school until the battery died because I liked the picture on the watch. People regularly got annoyed when they'd ask for the time and I'd just shove my wrist at them.

3) My left eye can't see distance well.
If I have to move with only the vision from my left eye I will either refuse to move or close both eyes and walk blind to avoid running into things. It is common for me to hold onto someone's hand and trust them to lead me if I have a problem with my right eye. I can still catch and pitch better than my little brother who can see properly. I have glasses but they're only for reading and I never have headaches caused by my vision. Figure that one out.

4) I can't hear well out of my right ear.
I tend to lip read if someone is talking to me from my right, especially during allergy season when my hearing is further impaired. Luckily, Xander and I are so in synch that half the time we don't even need to talk to communicate.

5) I am terrified of heights but like to be up high.
I will refuse to climb high stairs or go out on high balconies but I love looking out windows that are high up. As a kid I used to climb up trees only to realize I couldn't get down because I was too scared. I scratched up Usa's side once when he thought it'd be amusing to pick me up while I was next to a large, high window and I ended up looking 6 floors straight down. Oops...

I'm the kind of person who has a million questions tumbling in my head every minute. This causes me to lose my train of thought, forget words and stay awake at night fairly often. On the other hand I know more random stuff than I'll probably ever use.

In the last week I've learned how to make several new kinds of cookies, shortcakes, different meat dishes and how to dry herbs without waiting 3 weeks. (I have two mason jars filled with clover flowers and borage leaves now.)

I now know how to make simple cheese, yogurt and yogurt cheese (aka quark). I also learned how to prepare a canner, can, how to pickle cherries and how to dry cherries and strawberries.

I've learned where to buy local grown and produced goods as well.

I also know how to make soap using meat fat. I have a couple different recipes for different beauty and hygiene products but I learned those months ago.

This is why I have stacks of notebook stashed everywhere in this house.

The other day we stopped by the used game store. I picked up Bioshock 2 for $7 almost as soon as I stepped through the door.

As I was wandering around the store for the millionth loop I discovered a three pack set with Darkness 2, Bioshock 2 and Mafia 2 for $16. I then had to make the toughest decision of my life and I got the 3 pack game.

Okay, so it wasn't that tough. It was more me making Xander check and make sure the 3 pack wasn't some sort of demo set. Then I put Bioshock 2 back.

As we were checking out one of the employees who had seen me originally carrying Bioshock 2 said "That's game set is a good value!" I had to shut the sarcastic comments in my head off.

I'm still loving Animal Crossing. I wish I would have tried these games years ago. The only girl I knew who played them liked the exact opposite of what I liked so I always assumed I wouldn't like them. I'm going to get more of the games eventually.

If I can get my drawing boner back I may draw some of the characters. They'll all be in pen, pencil, marker and/or watercolor but yeah....

Anyone else playing that wants to exchange friend codes?

I picked up The Geek Handbook last week for laughs. I ended up laughing so hard while reading it I was crying and needed to use my inhaler. Best $5 purchase ever.

I just pulled the last of Kuro's babies from the nest. I found 7 of them dead this morning after a cold night last night. The last didn't look well but I had hoped he'd come around.

I'm really bummed. This was Kuro's only shot at a litter and Gremlin, the dad, died a few days after Kuro gave birth. Toph, who I also had bred to Grem, absorbed her litter so there won't be any Grem babies.

Kuro and Toph will get fat and happy on oatmeal and treats during their retirement. So that makes me happy.

Diamond will be ready to breed by the end of March when the weather should be warmer. Dragon will be ready to breed by summer. Here's hoping for some good Russian Blue and Siamese litters.

We went to the Reptile Expo again. I had arranged with the dubia breeder to pick up some medium and adult roaches to add to my group. She lives an hour south of Columbus so it's easier to meet there.

While there I got 1,000 mealworms to start a new colony and feed some to my reptiles. We could get 1,000 for $10 vs 100 for $3 so it was a no brainer.

I also picked up two more rats. I was only going to get another dumbo albino since Duchess died. When I found one the guy running it showed me a gorgeous Russian Blue male after finding out I was buying for pets instead of feeders. I love the blues and wanted another for breeding so I got him.

I finally got a California King too. I've wanted one since I got Kiki about 3 years ago. I found one today in my price range and brought her home. Unfortunately, she's so small I'll need pinkie mice while Voodoo and Kiki are on rat pinkies >.<

I got an email from my grandfather's cleaning lady's daughter (I played with her as a kid and she still works for my grandpa). Apparently my grandpa is in the hospital with dementia and they're running more biopsies to check his cancer again. He's had it twice now.

She, in a round about manner, asked me if I would take him in or else he'd end up in a home. His sister is too old to care for him and my aunt is mentally handicapped and blind. My brother and myself are the only other family. Unfortunately, my brother is about as useful as a bolder when you need something to float on.

When I told her I couldn't take him on given our living situation she said "But he gets $3,000 a month and Terry (my aunt) gets disability too!" When I refused again and listed even more valid reasons she continued to push and try to make me feel guilty (which worked). I told her I'd talk to Xander knowing it'd be a no but figured that would make her happy.

I swear I'd do it if I could. My grandpa has never liked me but I wouldn't want him to die alone either. I don't think my health could take caring for both my grandfather and my aunt every day. I could barely handle baby sitting and a whining puppy.

I feel miserable because she's trying everything to get me to take them and I can't. The money is only one issue. Where does she expect me to keep two disabled adults in a house with only one usable bedroom? Then you have the cats and dogs that Terry could easily trip over and my grandpa's sudden angry outbursts left over from his war days. This isn't even our property. Sean's mom would freak her frack!

I can't drive so my grandpa's doctor's visits would be hell too. Why does all the hard stuff fall on me? I'm kinda happy people think I can handle this stuff but I can't. I just end up feeling so useless and helpless and then I feel bad for feeling bad instead of trying to help them. I can't figure out how to help, though.

I asked Xander to reply to her next so maybe she'd take the no and stop trying to make me feel guilty.

I'm 25 this day so woo! A Nemo cake will be ordered tomorrow for this weekend.



Rat news - Kuro gave birth to a pile of jellybeans yesterday afternoon. Mom and dad were both black berkshires so I'm expecting to see a pile of black babies. The dad is Gremlin though so I'm hoping for dumbos and rexes mixed in with the standard rats.

Toph should have a litter coming up soon.



Tablet news - I'm pretty sure it's officially broken. I got the drivers to finally work but then the pen kept hiccuping. I restarted the computer and the pen wouldn't work. I tried reinstalling the drivers again and there was still no reaction. The tablet will go in my collection of archaic electronics because it's special and I'll work toward getting a new one.

Any art done now will be traditional. Maybe I'll finally get better with my markers. I have the sketching grey and perfect primaries Copic sets. I'll probably try to acquire a few more shades in pinks and purples.

My tablet is being a jerk again. I'm having to reinstall the drivers almost every time I plug it in and the last three times I tried it, it failed. I have no idea when I'll have that fixed and my best tech is stumped. The tablet is pretty ancient for computer tech so it might just be getting too old.

I've been swamped in the 50+ manga I borrowed from the library and still playing Sims so it hasn't been a high priority. I still have paper, pencils, pens and markers for traditional art so it's no big, yet.

I might see about getting a better inking pen and try out some more stuff with my markers. If I can find my watercolors I might give those a try too.

So in summary my tablet is borked and I have no drive to draw at the moment. Art will continue....eventually.

My mom, aunt and grandma leave emails or phone messages (when I had a phone) that just say "I have something to talk to you about. Get back to me." or "I got a letter from [other person]."

They never just tell me what they want and then continue the cryptic method of communication when I rush to reply in case it's important. Half the time they never reply or that's all they wanted to say.

My aunt never wants to chat. She'll always just post that she's worried about me on any number of my FB statuses. When I ask her why she deletes her comments and never replies.

My mom, grandma and aunt whine all the time that I don't email them but when I do they never reply.

They also apparently think I'm psychic and take offense when I don't just know something they think I should.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who has to deal with this.

(The aunt in this case is a female friend of my dad's that I grew up knowing as my aunt, not my real aunt......who only talks to me when she can't avoid me.)

The guy treated me decently enough when we were dating. Then he turned around and dumped me. He told me he had only asked me out as a joke with his friends and never actually liked me after leading me on for a good couple of months. When I got upset he thought it was hilarious. I took off, deleted his photos, got rid of everything he ever gave me and was done with it.

On Thursday I was cleaning my spam mail and his name was sitting there. At first I was not sure who it was and then saw his photo. He was saying hi and asking how I was doing. I asked him "What has you coming out of the woodwork?" I was curious.....


He sent a reply yesterday. He was looking at his old photos of me and wanted to email me. He couldn't remember why we stopped hanging out but remembered us being great friends.

I facepawed and replied "Thanks for remembering me but you dumped me 7 years ago. I wouldn't exactly call us friends."




I got an email from a different guy a few months back. I have never dated him before but he has constantly asked me to marry him and be his sex slave since he met me 7 years ago. He wanted to know, once again, if I wanted to move in with him and his wife and be his sex slave. I told him to go slam a window on his dick.

It looks absolutely nothing like me and even has blue eyes (I have brown). It is not terrifying but it's not something I'd want to keep in my room either. I have to find somewhere to put it where it won't give me the heebees all the time.

I finally made it to a Reptile Expo and for my birthday to boot! It was fantastic. The animals were awesome and the prices were amazing.

Some people, particularly the males, were jerks. I was literally pushed away from tables where I was looking and trying to decide what to buy more than once. After I started giving up and being afraid to do anything Xander started leading through and helped me look at things. No one wanted to mess with him and the crowds would even part to allow us through when he was leading XD

I ended up with a house gecko, leopard lizard, 4 rats (2 siamese, 1 Russian blue and 1 PEW with dumbo ears), 24 dubia roaches and Xander got an anole. We stopped by the pet store on the way home so I could get my millipede (they didn't have any at the show). I almost spent all my money on an alligator lizard instead of the two smaller lizards and millipede.

Xander's cousin told his mom her house is haunted. Now his mom is freaking out because when she woke up the gas fireplace was turned off. It must be the ghost trying to kill her, she insisted. (The house was 63 so it wasn't like she was totally without heat.)

After we were out of hearing range I whispered to Xander "$20 says your dad turned it off because she ran up the heat bill."

He leaned in and said "Yeah. It looks like he went out to check the tank."

Why can't her crazy rants always be this amusing???

---

On a separate note I'm afraid of baby dolls and especially old antique dolls. This has been known by my family since I was very little and my mom insisted on constantly giving me baby dolls. Guess what I'm getting from my grandma for my birthday?!

She's sending me an antique doll with broken fingers that looks like me when I was little..... Grandma, I know you aren't keen on me since I came out but for the love of tuna what did I do to you?!?! I'm hoping it's cute and not absolutely terrifying. I have a superstition about giving away gifts so I'll be stuck with the doll in my closet if it scares me.