Borderline....how do I manage to live with it....I don't!!! I can not imagine anyone wanting to stay with someone with borderline....and I do not want to put anyone thru such hell. I realize I already have. They have their choice even If I do not understand. We can create such toxic relationships not even meaning too. I for one don’t want that. However is it fair then that Borderlines be single forever?....or is there someone out there for us borderlines who can accept how hard it will be but understand and know that those of us with the disorder do not mean the toxic... I do wonder if that’s possible. I have been trying my best with what I know. See even I do not understand my borderline fully. Asking someone to be with me is a lot. But I have been trying to find the best way to have someone understand just what happens. This has proven to be difficult. I wont lie, I have my moments and lots at that. So that’s the big question then isn’t it! Can anyone love a borderline and stick with them? As I've said to my mates lots. It's not easy being in love with me.

When I say I don't live with my disorder I fully mean it. I don't I've stayed in denial about it. Avoided it. lied to cover it up. There’s all these books about living with it. And being in love with someone with it. But its not easy or simple. Course nothing in life is....However Being borderline and well having almost any kinda personality disorder takes that nothing in life is simple and times it by at lest 2. I want to say 10 or 100 as that’s how it feels to me but its probably only 2. So if even I have issues living with it.....I can not expect anyone to go thru it with me.....but those who love me have a choice too. I promised them I wont leave and I stick by that. The lying stops. The hiding stops. I keep my promises and that’s that. But here's something “DO NOT JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER OR ALL ITS ACTIONS” meaning get to know why these things happen get to know the person inside...under the borderline. I can do much better as I learn.

Not really sure what to say here.
Just I feel funny idk I feel like something is changed the in me
That scares me honestly. But maybe I will be ok
I have many friends and mate's. All who seem to care for me.
Can I actually feel ok about letting them help me.

I swear I just almost had a heart attack. If I wasn't going to sleep before then I'm definitely not going to now. It's 2 am and I walked out of the bathroom and noticed that the front door was wide open. Everyone else is asleep. I stood there just in shock then closed and locked it. Then locked the hallway door and then my bedroom door. I'm seriously freaked out

;w; sometimes I don't know why I even bother.

I have been really really really really really really depressed lately
Like more than usual. I honestly don't know why I even bother
I have someone so many who love, adore, cherish me etc.
Yet I feel so alone. I'm sorry to my mate's for that but
It's the truth. I love you all so much but I feel alone.
It is hard to explain I guess.

Somthing in me is changing I know it and you do too

Much has happened since November. And now I really really need to think

Just know that I love you all so much.

Lots to do. lots and lots to do ^^

I'm starting my spring cleaning today.
ah Spring which Is coming up heh.
Time for nice walks in the rain. afternoon Tea and
fun days siting in the park. also a time to go thru stuff
and get rid of items we don't need or use anymore.
a time when life is in bloom. Flowers everywhere and
gardening. A time to sweep and clean.
with winter soon behind us.
A time for me to get more active which Is bound to
surprise my Mates. Out with the slump and in with
the bright cheery attitude. less laying in bed moping
and more walks and being Happy. Spring and Fall are my
favorite Seasons as they are transitions.
so since I'm feeling good I'm going to set some goals

#1: Learn to draw digitally.

#2: Start Writing again

#3: list three happy things each day

#4: Start my blog back up

#5: Read

Five goals I should be able to accomplish.

If my 5 wonderful Mate's woundint mind supporting me and
encouraging me. that would be a big help ^^

Moved to my new room. It's smaller and my kitty's are restless but it's
So much brighter than my old one. I'm trying really hard to get better and heal.
Sometimes I think I may be a burden on my Boyfriend's.

However I know that even if I'm going through a meltdown
that they still love me and are there for me.
I really need to start doing more than just laying around
and moping in sorrow of my past. Hobbies lol.

So I haven't been doing much as I don't find anything enjoyable anymore
Accept for being with my lovely Mate's. This includes drawing and writing.

I'm just not inspired anymore and it feels like a chore.
I'm in a extremely large and bad rut.

And I keep lieing to myself and my loved ones. That I don't know how
to do much. I have the skills and knowledge so I should be able to.
So I want to thank my Mate's and family. For putting up with my nonsense
and trying really hard to help me and make me feel better.

I'm extremely grateful for what they do for me.

I know I am a huge pain and I also know that they love me and care about me immensely. So time to get out of this rut and actually put in the work needed to heal.

Heh I really dislike the word work

Yes I have bad days most days but there is always that one or few spots
of good cheerful happiness. I always go to sleep with a smile and
feeling cheerfully happy. This is because no matter what I know
I am well loved 4 very special guys see to that plus many many more
as well. Sure times are tough but all in all I'm happy even if I don't
seem like I am. I truthfully am. No matter what I say or do or is said
to me I am happy. And why wouldn't I be with 4 loving Mate's who
adore, Care, Love, Accept, and Cherish me. Then all the others who
do as well. So say what you want but all in all I'm a Happy kitty.
I wish everyone have at lest one point of cheerfulness in your day everyday
this goes expectatialy for those four I'm incredibly lucky and grateful to have
in my life. They are my world and I love each of them with all my heart and soul.
So to those four Loving Wonderful Mate's of mine, Find at lest one point of cheer
in your days my sweethearts please. And never forget it.

It's been rough and interesting year so far. Only 16
days in but a lot has happened. Don't get me wrong there has been all
sorts of good stuff too. My 4 loving mate's would agree I hope.
Yes I said 4. We will talk about that latter tho.

I've overall probably hit a bad spot in my depression.
Yus good things have happened amounts the overall sadness.
Why am I so sad. Upset. Etc well for a few reasons.

But in truth when you have had depression like I have for as long
as I have. Really anything can set you off when in a low.
My moods change fast and without warning. This is
highly troublesome as again I'm sure my loving mate's
would agree upon. Working on it tho. I have lots of love and support

I love my boyfriend's emensily. They mean everything to me.
As I'm sure I do to them. So I'm working on healing and getting it
to where my depression mad anxiety is controllable

Ok so there's that now for darker stuff. Mostly weight related
so recently I lernt something about some of my anti depresents
That being that two of them have greatly decreased my appetite.
This isn't so good as I've gone sometimes a week or two without
eating. Resulting in extreme weight loss. So I got to eat even if I'm not hungry
I'm sure this has also somehow contributed to my low mood.
As before food was my only comfort. Well no longer so I in theory
Should be able to eat properly. Course I could go off the meds
But they have been helpful. Overall I can do this I'm sure.
With all the love I'm now receiving and the support.

So obviously a lot has been said. So let's move on.
Characters. You most likely would of noticed that I changed
My main Sona that represents me. Also probably noticed my second account
Yes Rain is a cub and babyfur. Yus I've given him an adult self as well.
Sparkler and Gabriel both hold special places in my heart. I could never part with
Them which reminds me I owe someone a bit of play time with
Sparkler lol no I haven't forgotten sweetheart. I don't do much with Gabriel
But he will get drawn soon and get a ref sheet within the year.
As will Rain. Well Rain will get a few. So between these three there is
A lot to do. However I have many many many more characters.

Heh If you have read thru this all I got to say thanks. And please
If you do read it all then comment below it would mean a lot to me
If my boyfriend's did at the lest. Giggles- ok

Ok so back on track. Rain is mainly a cub for self personal
Reasons. That being said I don't take bull from anyone.
Don't mess with me you will just get badly burned.
Beside my lovely family don't take nice to the baby getting hurt like
That.ok warning aside. I'm not ashamed of myself. Ok well not this part
Not anymore. Yes I'm who I am. One you will not see any messy diapers
I am not into that just no. You do not even think of putting Rain in one
Oh a no sissy stuff just no. Can't stand frilly pink. I like pink but I will
Never wear all pink just no and never frilly. Ok maybe in private for a certain mate
That's still not a yus sweetie. I'm still thinking it over.
Rain is my represent he is me and I am him.
Thus he has my likes and dislikes. My personality my sensitivity and so on
He is me. I love him and creating him was a good desion.

So if you want to use Rain or any others that's fine but ask me
What I'm ok with before hand thanks.
Moving on

Ok so once again Im going to talk about story. This is taking
A unexpected turn and I still have writers block. Since last may.
Um also switching to digital and may open for cheap commissions
If I get good. So much to do still. So many idea's. Oh note
My four loving boyfriends take priorities over all else.

Finally. Just Cuse I'm a submissive femboy (baby fur). Dose not mean
You can push me around and use and abuse me. My limitations are low
Compared to others and like hell am I going to be considerd nothing but
An object for a so called surpior. I believe in equality.

I kinda have been having a rough time around the fact I'm so submissive
Just as I don't want to be considerd as lesser then anyone else.
Specialy with my mate's. I don't doubt their love for me at all.
Regardless if my anxiety sometimes screams otherwise.
I have fears. I'm a living being after all. And I have a lot
Of fears including ending up as a object for another including my
Mate's. I don't know why I do things but I will always love each of
My boyfriends unconditionaly and as equals.

So I'm getting to the bottom of my depression and it's fear.
My biggest fear is of myself. Of who I am and was. Of things I've done
And my likes and dislikes. My limitations my weaknesses. Not being accepted by my
Boyfriends. Not being accepted by my real life father. -Crys-
That because I'm so emotional and sensitivite that I can not be loved
And accepted. I know my mate's do however it doesn't stop my fear.
I think it will only stop when I can have pyshical comfort from them.
I am not a sex slave. I am a living being and not an object. Yes I'm a pet to
One of my mate's and a "slave" to another one. But they don't treat me any less
I enjoy being with them. I love them and they love me. I could not ask for more accepting
And loving and caring boyfriends. We all have kinks. I have a lot. But overall I'm not lesser
To my mate's just as they arnt to me. We are equals. We make up for what the
Other lacks. I have no doubt I'm the weakest in many ways but this doesn't
Make me a insupioror. My love's wish to help me. They love me for who I am.
And if all of them coment I will be a very happy Cabox cub. If not I'm still happy.
I've got a long road ahead and I'm extremely grateful I'm not alone anymore.

Life is crazy and filled with billions of ups and downs. Twists mad turns
What ifs ans such but overall. I'm happy I'm alive I'm happy and grateful I'm
Loved. Yes I have four boyfriends but love is always going to be love.
Today's society has been trying to control us for too long
I for one won't let them control me.

That's pretty much it lol and I feel better after writing that all out

Sincerely Rain the pawsome Cabox cub ~

yup yup yup!!! The bright sunny Horizon is here

I'm super super super super happy

-rolls around noming my glowing tail and giggling-

Happy days YAY. I'm well loved and happy happy HAPPY!!!!!

I'm feeling mixed.there's some things I don't
Know. I feel alone even tho I'm not. My mate's can
take this however they want but I love them.
And they are amazing and loving

-sighs- it's just another one of
Those emotional days. In truth it's no one's
Fault. They just happen. There's something in
my dreams that I can see. Sometimes I wounder
if it's achievable but in the end I know it is.
I may feel alone and hopeless but in the end I
know I'm not. I have loving boyfriends and my amazing family.
just cause there is hard times doesn't mean that we should give up.
sure I feel hopeless and alone but I know I'm not

I know somewhere somehow there is a brighter tomorrow
for us all for me and my loves and family. And for everyone.
I can see the sun on the horizon. Even if I feel down rate
now it doesn't mean much. I know we met during
A rough time but I'm not giving up on me or you

Happy New Years everyone.

My year has been bumpy and I'm still
dealing with money issues but
This years ending has been truthfully
amazing thanks too lots but too two
special furs specifically. by now
my mate's are just so loving and caring
My self esteem is up. my depression is
more under control. I'm actually Happy

So stuff thats to be expected hopefully
for 2015. I am scraping all past story arcs
and projects. Starting fresh brand new story's
all based upon a decision recently

I'm in an ecstatically happy mood. Life is good
My family didn't fight this year and I'm back with
my loving Boyfriend's who I love beyond words.

Thank you  ninfin for the best Christmas present.
Yourself of course. I promise on our love to be the best
Mate ever. To do much better at what we talked about.

The same goes for my other Boyfriend  purrfectlynatural

I love you so Much Nick your my sweet cheeks Arctic Fox.

And Nin is my sweet cheeks Wolfox.

Merry Christmas to everyone

Well I'm a happy Cabox/kitty X3
heheh hmm so I have a lot of OC's
And I will post details on them if asked
Theres a whole lot of them

Villains
Heroes
anti heroes

all are furs

either way Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays

I feel much better curently and we will see how stuff goes
sorry for all the stuff. all the comissions is my scraps are there for
personal reasons.

Im lost and think Im going to go. I should of stayed to myself

So im single again and I dont blame them for leaving me
I need to stop self hating and being so gloomy
it hurts my loved ones to watch me do it and never change
or lie that I was and fake it. so Time for some real
self changing and healing. I still love them and them me
but you cant be with someone who dosent love themselfs.
Time to change and heal

More emotional wreckage. It doesn't seem I
Have learned ti control it yet.
In other news I have stopped denying
How much of a fem boy I really am.
And I've managed to wright a song
Is sad but filled with love all about my
Nin

So it has been an emotional month. but
My two loving caring Boyfriend's have brought me
thru it greatly. today was emotional thanks to my
depresion but we worked thru it, I realize now
that out love can survive any hurl throw at us.
I happy and I love them both so so so Much.
behond words.

I love you two

This is the worse insomnia I've had all year
I'm so getting tired of having bad sleep
And now no sleep. I've never felt so tired
Thankfuly today is payday and I can order
The last technique I haven't tried
Well no I did use it two years ago
Till someonemade fun of me.
But thanks to my two loving
Boyfriends Nick and Nin

I am going to order one and use it
Hopefully it comes in before Christmas but
I doubt that.

It's one of those days....More like one of those months.
I know lots of furs and folks but hardly anyone talks.
My mate's are busy and I don't blame them.
I'm the one with no life.

I seem to complain a lot on here.

So both ny paws are hurting badly
I've got insomnia. Still waiting
On a transfer from PayPal so
I can get food but on the
Bright side I have two amazing
Loving and extremely caring
Mate's. Each whom hold
A extremely extra special place
In my heart and soul.
Amazing friends who I love
dearly. My wonderful cat. An
Thanks to my epic mate's who
Somehow got me to release
20 years of repressed negative
Feelings I'm practically at peace.
Definitely feeling loved and extremely
Happy. So it's December 1st
And I've got lots to do

When you can't sleep Cuse there's to much on your mind.
All good things mostly you just realizing how lucky and loved and
Cherished you are by one really amazing guy and all of the greatfriends
And loved ones in your life. Mostly that one who's willing to do anything for
You and you for him.

This is truthfully Beautiful

http://www.iflscience.com/sites/www.....?itok=l-tum5yH

http://i.imgur.com/KavUYtR.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/LgU9SNg.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/LgU9SNg.jpg

City's from around the world if there was no light pollution

This is inspiring to me

So I'm having problems sleeping. And not just tonight
Pretty sure other then people talking and fighting loudly rate outside my door
My bedding is far to hard. Mattress and pillows. Problem
Is who can afford a new bed. I certainly can't
I don't ever recall having a brand new bed
I wake up feeling sore in my neck. Shoulders and back
It's not pleasant

I feel happy for once starting the day off in a good way