I've posted mature art here before, but especially over the past few years, my choices of subject matter have been trending more overtly sexual. There are drawings I haven't posted (some I will post soon) which I've kept close to the chest until now because I wasn't sure whether to publicize them.

This is not to justify, nor apologize, for the kinds of art that will be coming in the future. I just wanted to give everyone a heads-up, especially because most know me for my G-to-PG13 material.

I'll make sure to tag the art appropriately, so those who have SFW filters won't suddenly see a kimera or a silver-haired woman having an obscenely good time on their feeds.

(If you're wondering, I did consider making an after-dark account, but decided not to. I have so many accounts on various galleries already, it felt like too much to handle. FA's filters seem to be adequate enough.)

Just a quick lil' update to announce that the newest UTC trade paperback is now available outside of the U.S.! Thank you for your patience.

You can buy a physical copy here. The first 2 volumes are also on sale at IndyPlanet. Buy all 3 and save on shipping!

Buy the PDF here

All 3 volumes of UTC are available digitally and in trade paperback. Buy any or all of them at this link!

- - - Original Journal - - -

UTC Phase Three has finally completed its ultimate transformation… into a collected volume!

"Phase Three" is the umbrella name for Chapters 11-16 of UTC. These are the latest chapters of the comic that have been released so far, and will be the last for quite a while. They tie up most of the plot threads of the series. If you fell off reading the comic years ago, or have been waiting for a good time to read the entire thing, now's the perfect moment to dive in!

UTC Phase Three has finally completed its ultimate transformation… into a collected volume!

"Phase Three" is the umbrella name for Chapters 11-16 of UTC. These are the latest chapters of the comic that have been released so far, and will be the last for quite a while. They tie up most of the plot threads of the series. If you fell off reading the comic years ago, or have been waiting for a good time to read the entire thing, now's the perfect moment to dive in!

Buy the PDF here

Buy the trade paperback here (PDF included with purchase)

All 3 volumes of UTC are available digitally and in trade paperback. Buy any or all of them at this link!

As usual, I plan to attend FE this year. I'll be there on Saturday and Sunday. If I'm not browsing the dealer's den or conversing with fursuiters, you'll probably find me in the lounge, drawing or playing games.

Hope everyone going has a fun and safe time! Travel safe, and drink lots of water.

- - - - - - - - - -

My webcomic UTC: Urgent Transformation Crisis has finished its main storyline! (Trade paperbacks available soon!)

Click here to listen to the TFTuesday Podcast with guest, yours truly

Check out my new socials at BlueSky and Pillowfort

We’ve come to the end of UTC’s key storyline, and the comic is now going to enter another hiatus.

Now, the big question is whether UTC will continue with Phase Four. Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer yet. I’m definitely not ruling out the possibility, and a major reason why is because this was never intended to be the stopping point for the series.

While the major story of UTC was centered around Cass and Flint being stuck with their transformations, they weren’t supposed to truly be permanent transformations. I wanted to change Cass back one way or another, it was just a question of how and when. My original thinking was that, once she was cured, the comic would then open up to a new world of possibilities for transformation shenanigans. At the outset in 2007, though, I hadn’t imagined that it would take 16 years to get to that point.

Now, I’m 40 years old and very tired. I want to make different comics, and grow my art style in ways that drawing this comic on a regular basis wouldn’t allow.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love UTC. I still love these characters, and I still want to take you on new adventures with them. But I really need a break.

If UTC returns, it will be a long time from now. Most certainly several years. While I can’t guarantee that it will ever resume, I will say that if it does, it will be–appropriately–much different. The story can go almost anywhere from here, and there’s yet more potential in these characters and their world that’s just waiting to be tapped.

In fact, I already have a loose framework set up for Phase Four, and multiple scripts are in progress. But I’m going to take my sweet time with it. Everything could change radically between now and who-knows-when, and I will only resume the comic if I truly feel that further adventures of Cass, Flint and the gang are worth telling.

Thank you all SO much for reading UTC. Those of you who were there from the start and kept faith in me to keep it going, through all the fits and starts; and those of you who found the comic more recently and are binging it for the first time. UTC is my love letter to fans of transformation stories, and I am grateful and humbled that it’s been embraced by so many of you.

Stay tuned for news about future projects, whether they’re UTC-adjacent or something completely different. For now, you can keep following me here, and also on deviantArt, Twitter, and Pillowfort for updates on whatever’s coming next.

Take care of yourselves, and keep on changing for the better.

Cobalt

What a difference three months and 10,000 fewer people make! Furnal Equinox was exactly the experience I was hoping MFF 2022 would be. Last weekend went very well, and a lot of fun was had. I understand that it was unrealistic of me to expect MFF to feel like FE. AnthroCon doesn't even feel like FE, and I've been to that one several times. But MFF was pretty much me jumping head-first into the deep end of an Olympic-sized pool when I hadn't encountered anything so much as a puddle in three years.

The anxiety and real-life worries that plagued me at MFF were barely felt at FE. For one thing, work has been going a little more gentle on me lately, and I didn't have to take planes to get to this con. I was able to drive, thereby following my own schedule, no rushing required. And once I got there, greeted by dozens of familiar friendly faces, it was the easiest thing in the world to slip into the convention atmosphere and truly enjoy the festivities and the company.

Without further ado, let's recap.

THURSDAY

With an expected 7-hour drive to Toronto, I played it cautiously and slept in on Thursday so that I could travel safe and alert the whole way. I sort-of overdid it on the sleeping, though, as I slept the entire morning away and woke up around 1pm! When I finally got on the road, it was closer to 3. It all worked out, in the end, because the drive was quite smooth and traffic congestion was trivial. I was most anxious about the border crossing, but even that turned out to be the smoothest I've experienced in the four times I've made this trip.

Finally pulling into the Westin around 11pm, I made it up to the hotel room and found  MatthiasRat and  Fulminar . They invite me to stay with them every time, and they're exceptional roommates. We briefly caught each other up on the four years since we last saw each other. Fulimar gifted both of us with thematically appropriate, handmade wooden mugs with our names etched into them. (The theme of this year's con was "Tales From the Tavern.")

FRIDAY

Getting through registration took a while, not the least because I had to run back to my room to grab my vaccination card. I ran into my MFF roomie,  Fireboy224 (Taya), and we talked in-line for a bit, making plans.

Deciding to ease into the weekend, I looked for a low-key area to hang out in. There wasn't a place like that at MFF. I didn't need the Quiet Room, just an area with chairs and tables where I could chill out, chat, sketch, suggest a board game or two with people, where we weren't crowded shoulder-to-shoulder. The Gaming Lounge at FE was very nicely laid out for this. This year it was in a cozy room in the Westin, with windows overlooking the water, a game rental table, a VR corner, and another corner with an automated photography setup for fursuiters. The tables were spread out and plentiful. I parked at one and started sketching.

I missed sketching at cons so much! The atmosphere at MFF never felt right for it. Here, it was a breeze to chill out, put a blank piece of paper in front of me, and let the mind flow. During this time,  MicrophoneUnderground and  LilacOunce came by and we chatted for a while. After a bit, we were joined by good friends  Angrboda ,  Abe_E_Seedy ,  Therian , and  dorintf . In the middle of all the conversation, it occurred to me that I had felt overwhelmed by a group this large at MFF. Here, it was no big thing. I was happily vibing on the two or three chats going on at the table, while making little touches to the sketch I was drawing.

After a while, we split off to do various things. I eventually found myself in the sprawling Dealer's Den, scoping out wares and seeing who I knew at the tables, but only got through one and a half aisles before I ran into some folks who invited me to lunch. I didn't realize until then that it was well into the afternoon and I was starving. We walked to Jack Astor's and I had my first proper meal in two days, a nice big Thai chicken stir-fry bowl.

Following on from that, I had finally made up my mind to buy a SIM card I could put in my phone so that I could have data service in Canada. It was painfully clear that, if I was going to have any hope of keeping up with all of the people and activities this weekend, I needed to be reachable on "the socials." One member of our group, and dear friend,  TFProxy , helped me search the area for a cell phone store. We navigated by his phone's map app, which gave us several false promises of a phone store that kept turning out to be red herrings.

We walked, and walked, and walked, covering blocks around the Westin, back to Union Station near Jack Astor's, and finally ended up at a kiosk outside of a Loblaw's, where two EXTREMELY patient telecom agents set me up with a reasonably priced data plan and swapped out the SIM card on my phone (which, as every single person who noticed my phone that weekend observed, is very tiny -- it's a credit-card-sized Palm Phone, and more people should know that such a thing exists).

Now that I was fully reunited with the 21st century, we walked back on rubbery legs to the convention center. It was too late for me to finish going through the Dealer's Den, as it was closed, so I hung out in the Gaming Lounge for the last few hours of the con, playing some rounds of The Game with  Alganbord . Then Matthias and I introduced a few people to Fluxx. I think the two of us got a little TOO into the game and scared everybody else off of ever playing it again. Still, I hope it was a fun time for everyone.

SATURDAY

Waking up, Fulminar informed me that while we were sleeping, an incident had occurred down in the Westin lobby and a shelter-in-place order had been issued and then lifted. I wouldn't understand what had happened until I was back home on the following Wednesday. But apparently no one was in any real danger. The inciting scare clearly had impacted everyone in the lobby and awake in the hotel at that time, and left traumatic scars. I hope that everyone who experienced this is okay and is able to get help to process what happened.

As I was oblivious to all of this, and there were no perceptible aftereffects of the incident, I went down to the lobby for breakfast with Taya. Following that, we headed to the Dealer's Den. Stopping for a bit to chat with  catmonkshiro ,  hbruton and  Spiderdragon at their respective tables, it was really good talking shop with them and seeing them doing well.

Soon it was time for the TF Meet-and-Greet, hosted by  zilepo and  Forepawz . I had passed up the M&G at MFF due to social anxiety issues, so I was doubly determined to go to this one. They divvied up the room by specific TF interests (farm animals, latex, hyper, etc.). One of the group topics, proposed by a member of the audience, was clothing TF. That was right up my alley! About nine of us talked about the use of clothing and accessories as TF triggers, vehicles for identity play, and all that sort of neat stuff.

The one big downside, felt across the entire panel, seemed to be that the room was too small and hot for the crowd that we had. Lots of people left about halfway through the scheduled 90 minutes. I bounced early too, as our group eventually ran out of things to talk about. It was nice while it lasted, though. I was especially thankful for the good vibes of the group, after having missed out on the M&G at MFF.

Slipping over to the Gaming Lounge, Proxy, Terry, Antifreeze, Matthias and I played a few games of Codenames. In the first two games, I immediately beefed it as both the code giver and the guesser. But things got better after that.

Dinner that night was at The Old Spaghetti Factory, where Matthias, Fulminar, Alganbord,  DaiCymru ,  UrsusArctos and I enjoyed some big, indulgent meals and ice cream. After that it was pretty late, and we were beat, so I reluctantly called it a night instead of trying to squeeze in another board game in the lounge.

SUNDAY

I slept in during the morning, and then spent almost the entire day in the Gaming Lounge taking every possible opportunity to chat with those still around, including  Caturnalia and  K-Libra . It was a wonderful way to wind down. Yet another reminder of the preciousness of the friendships that have been forged at this con.

The last thing was a spontaneous game of Lands of Galzyr with Taya. I had been lugging the game around during both MFF and FE, hoping to introduce some folks to this awesome furry adventure game, and the two of us had quite a nice time of it.

MONDAY

During my drive back home, Taya and I got to talk some more as I gave her a ride to the airport, and then I met some friends who invited me to lunch, which was a delight. It helped us stretch out the convention a little bit more, and probably helped alleviate some of the PCD.

I made it back home safe and sound... but then was greeted by some birch trees hanging very low over my driveway and mailbox. It turns out the nor'easter we had a few days before the convention dumped too much snow on them to handle. They had weathered some bad storms the past few years, but this time there was no bouncing back. But, this was something I could tackle Tuesday, fully energized in body and spirit from a wonderful convention. (And with Dad's chainsaw.)

Immense thank-yous to everyone I met at FE. Also, thanks to the staff and volunteers, who were clearly run ragged this time around. It can't be said enough -- you're good souls. I'm eager to see you all again next year!

Time keeps marching on. Some years it's more perceptible than others. It doesn't feel like my 40th birthday snuck up on me, but I don't exactly feel like I thought I'd feel at 40, either. Ironically, given my 'sona, my hair hasn't actually started turning white yet. (I'm kind of hoping that it all decides to change at once where, one morning, I do a double-take in the mirror.)

Looking back at the last decade, I'm honestly astonished where I am now. When I entered my 30s, I had just begun climbing out of a pit of depression from an emotionally abusive roommate situation. New friendships were emerging, filling the hole left by those I had cut ties with (or who cut ties with me) in the drama from my 28th and 29th years. I was living completely on my own for the first time ever and learning the ups and downs of being solely responsible for a living space. I was slowly picking away at my comic, UTC, steadily feeling more confident about its long-term durability and reigniting my commitment to making comics as a hobby. I was wondering if I was stuck in the job I had at the time, worried about paying bills. Oh, and my car was just about to fall apart and I'd never shopped for a new car before!

Ten years later and... damn, what a change this has been. I've been doing very well, all things considered. I learned hard lessons, said farewell to my last surviving grandparents and watched my parents become retirees, and through it all faced terrifying high-risk/high-reward life choices. I held an Iron Artist challenge to pay for the new car, and a whole bunch of you came out to support me.

It feels like my 30s was the decade that 10-year-old Cobalt thought his 20s would be. I began to do more things that a younger, more timid Cobalt would have shied away from, such as taking trips to other countries and proactively quitting jobs that weren't going well. Those experiences came with costs, of course, but happily led to amazing rewards, both expected and unexpected. I made a TON of new friends thanks to sites like this and furry conventions.

I sought counseling and treatment for anxiety, something I wish I had done much sooner and am glad I finally got up the courage to do, because it's not only eased my mind, it's made me a better person. I grappled with and finally came to peace with my sexuality. I learned that I am, indeed, loved.

I'm not writing this journal to brag. I just want you to know that I'm well, happy and healthy. And if you're younger, I'm here to say, hey, 40 ain't that bad. There's never an end to doing new things and taking steps toward your dreams, as long as you try and you learn. I hope that this year gives you some great opportunities.

So, what's next... in the immediate future, I'll be going to Furnal Equinox in two weeks. Beyond that, I'm hoping to finish UTC's Phase Three and collect it into a new book, then take a break from that series to shift to new and different shorter-term projects for a while. I would really like to travel to see some longtime friends who I haven't gotten a proper chance to catch up with since Covid started. The hardest thing I'm expecting this year is for my day job to become more demanding. Aside from that, there are some major house projects I need to save up for and tackle, including replacing the roof and the water system.

That's...well, that's enough! I am so happy and so blessed to be where I am, to know so many amazing people and to have your support and encouragement. Yes, hard times surely lie ahead, but I have never been in a better position to face them.

Thank you, friends, fans and followers. I wouldn't be the kimera I am without you, and I'm excited to find out what's next for us.

** Content Warning -- anxiety; eye trauma **

I’m back from MFF and am now reflecting on the con with mixed feelings. Even though I had a great time with great people, I know from past con experiences that I could have done more. Of course, all that was before COVID-19.

During late 2021 into 2022, I started venturing out more. This past May, I attended an event with 200+ people for the first time in two years. I discovered just how much my social muscles had atrophied during lockdown. The biggest test of my grip on my anxiety issues happened a month ago, when I vacationed abroad for a couple of weeks. That trip had its difficulties, but was overall a happy success for my friends and I, who had longed to reconnect after years of having no other choice but to socialize via voice chat and Tabletop Simulator. (Okay sure, it beats postcards or tin cans on a string, but you can’t hug a JPEG.)

MFF was a whole other beast altogether, metaphorically and (kinda) literally. I anticipated this con for months and was really eager to see old friends, and maybe make new ones. This was my first MFF. The only other furry cons I’d been to were Anthrocon and Furnal Equinox. It was uncharted territory, but I was staying with good friends and I felt safe.

THURSDAY

My 9-to-5 job had other plans, though, and pretty much every weekday between when I got home from my last trip to the day I left for MFF was a major slog. I was online going through a final check-in with my boss just 15 minutes before I pulled out of my driveway to head to the airport.

This left me with a bunch of unfinished IRL business. My headspace never fully got into the convention spirit since part of me was either looking back at the past week’s messes or looking ahead to what was coming after.

Even still, it was very joyful to reunite with a good friend at the hotel, who was staying on a separate floor. We caught up quickly, and they shared some happy personal news that brought a burst of sunshine to the mix. Plus, I got to meet my roommate face to face for the first time, after getting to know her online for many years. We all got into Chicago with just enough time to go out to a restaurant, and close out the eve of the convention on a high note.

FRIDAY

I wanted desperately to disengage from IRL stuff and focus on enjoying the jolly company and the convention, but there were some arrangements and emails that I needed to send out that had nothing to do with the con. I don’t know how pleasant I was to be around that Thursday night and Friday, but I remember being on my phone a lot, filling out forms, updating my website/Patreon, and answering personal emails, and generally complaining about one thing or another.

Friday morning, a vessel burst in my left eye, leaving me bloodshot for the entire weekend. That only ratcheted up my anxiety more, since the timing couldn’t have been worse, and that was the first time it’s ever happened so I wasn’t sure if it would get worse or if it was a sign of some bigger medical issue. (Thankfully, it’s been steadily clearing up since then.)

Diving fully into the con itself, buddies with the lay of the land led me to the gaming rooms in the Hyatt, and on through the long and winding skyway I quickly dubbed “The Inferno” (after a “Doctor Who” serial I recently started watching) because the heaters that lined the walls were on for some reason. I can only imagine how it was to walk through there in a fursuit.

Then we headed to the dealer’s den and artist’s alley, where we checked in with anyone we could recognize. We enjoyed catching up with one another and trading stories. I even found a good amount of stuff to buy for my nephews, nieces, and friends back home for Christmas. Still, the anxious feeling was impossible to shake. Even an event as minor as a spilled soda put me on pins and needles, imagining con staff would kick us out for the mess.

We sat in on the live recording of the TFTuesday Podcast, hosted by  Zilepo with host Toledo. (UPDATE - Here's the episode on their YouTube channel) The panel seemed to go really well. There were a lot of great insights from the hosts and the audience. Topics were engaging and things moved along at a steady clip. I’m glad I got to see this, especially since it turned out to be the only TF-related thing I engaged with that weekend.

The panel emptied out, and I rendezvoused with my hotel crew. A medical emergency was unfolding downstairs in the lobby, so we cautiously huddled out of the way and decided to simply leave the con to find dinner and then go back to the hotel to try and get a full night’s rest.

SATURDAY

On Saturday, usually the best day of a convention to Do All The Things, I still felt out of sorts. I knew by then it was anxiety, not exhaustion. My brain was still preoccupied thinking about things that had no bearing on the present moment and that I couldn’t do anything about.

I focused on familiar con activities to get my head properly in the spirit of things. Wandering the dealer’s den, looking for friends to hang with and a board game or two to play. Happily, friends were found and they introduced me to some kindly new folks. We were a small group, and when my social anxiety plays up, I like it that way, instead of a big room where everyone is expected to interact with one another.

And speaking of which, it came time for the TF Meet-and-Greet. I didn’t have it in me to go, even though I think there were some people who attended that would have been good to see. Hanging back with the half of my group who wasn’t going, we played a quick game of Carcassonne until everyone was reunited, then we went to dinner.

Intrusive thoughts filled my mind all day, and just kept getting worse the more that went on. I felt like I was being rude, selfish, paranoid. I started to project my anxieties onto others. That night, I hitched a ride back to my hotel while my roommate was busy at the con. When we got back in contact around midnight and she said she’d simply walk back to the hotel, I got unreasonably scared for her. Another time, when I said something in the wrong way to a friend, in my head I immediately imagined the last five years of nurtured progress with our friendship evaporate and became a stuttering, apologetic mess.

I tried to tell myself none of that was true, and that I had to trust in my friends that they were okay with me being with them, and if they weren’t, they’d have said something directly to me. But I couldn’t get the thoughts under control. I had to go back to my hotel and hide--not rest, hide. Get away from everyone and let my thoughts pummel me until it had run its course.

When describing all that, it sounds like I was lonely and miserable the entire weekend, but that’s not true. Friends talked me through things in the times when it felt safe and appropriate to reach out to them. Two people in particular were immensely kind and open when I needed an ear. I’ve been avoiding name-dropping in this journal to keep things relatively private for all involved, but will make an exception to give these two a shout out: my fabulous MFF roomie,  Fireboy224 , and the ever-lovely  Fenchurch , for their kindness and companionship.

SUNDAY

Normally at cons, there’s plenty of inspiration to draw from the artists and general vibe of everyone trading art and stories of their ‘sonas. I always make at least a sketch or two. But here, drawing was impossible. The thought of putting pencil to paper made my brain go blank. I tried psyching myself up to go to the TF Art Jam, scheduled for Sunday morning, but even a decent night’s sleep wasn’t enough to drive away the performance anxiety.

However, getting some extra sleep that morning helped me finally acclimate to the general welcoming and cheerful vibe that everyone had been radiating all weekend. My mood finally turned around, and there were still a few precious hours of convention left to make it count. I returned to the dealer’s den and artists’ alley to find some folks that I hadn’t had a chance to reconnect with yet. After that, seeing the line for the DDR machine was finally gone, I tried my feet at it for the first time in about five years...and did surprisingly well! There was just enough time to squeeze in one last board game, or so I thought, but a text from my sister saying she was running early to pick me up forced me to pack it away and say a fond farewell to the friends who were still around.

AFTER

As my sister and I headed to downtown Chicago, I was abuzz with lingering con energy, so I was actually upbeat when normally I might have been just “beat.” She lives a few hours away, so we had planned to do some things together before I flew back home. It was her idea to go to a show that night. She’d found a performance called The Twenty-Sided Tavern, which is essentially what one would get if they asked Jackbox Games to combine D&D with Who’s Line Is It Anyway? It was just as zany and hysterical as it sounds.

Living far away and not much for long-distance correspondence, my sister and I rarely have time to talk one-on-one. Over dinner, we had a really nice conversation, and we got properly caught up with each others’ lives in a way we haven’t actually done in many years. It was good. She also asked me to spill the beans about furries, since it was impossible to deny what kind of convention I had just been at, with the large fuzzy animals roaming around!

I’ve been progressively more open about my furry interests with friends over the past few years, and it’s coming time to let my family know as well. I was nervous how she would react, as she holds certain conservative views (for instance, she balks at hair dyed unnatural colors), but she seemed very open about hearing my perspective on it, and we talked frankly about the various truths, half-truths, and urban myths about furries that are so prevalent in the public consciousness. It was shocking how easily this conversation went, and how calm I was during it, considering how I had felt the past 72 hours.

Going home, going back to work, getting settled down into the regular daily grind... I feel unsure how everything went down. I really want to say it was great.

Everyone I met was great. My friends are amazing. I cherish every one of you. Maybe that’s why I feel like I shouldn’t be glad... MFF was supposed to be a big party, and I was constantly threatening to rain on everyone’s good vibes.

One friend told me that their first con back from COVID was difficult, too, and at MFF they found it was much easier to relax. Maybe my next con will be that way. I just registered for Furnal Equinox, so we’ll find out in a few months.

Thank you for reading. If we met at MFF, thank you for being wonderful. I hope you all made it home safe and stay healthy. Until next time.

A friend is offering up some cute and silly dragons in the form of a deck of playing cards. The Kickstarter campaign is already funded, so these lil' guys will definitely go into production! There are lots of add-ons to boot, like blown-up prints of the card illustrations and a coloring book.

Check out and back the project here: https://www.kickstarter.com/project.....gon-borb-cards

These will ship a few months into the new year.


I'm sharing this despite Kickstarter's policy decision to move to the blockchain. This campaign is run by a good friend and I still back KS campaigns in these cases. You're perfectly free to make the choice that feels right for you.

After nearly 3 years of keeping away from big public events due to the pandemic, I will be attending my first convention since Anthrocon 2019 this December, when I fly out to Chicago for Midwest FurFest!

This will be my first time going to MFF. I'm excited to get to see old and new faces and reunite with friends I haven't seen in ages.

Hopefully I'll be returning to Furnal Equinox in 2023, but let's take things one con at a time. =D

A neat-looking tabletop RPG that's designed specifically around transformation scenarios is just $62 USD from its funding goal with 4 days left in the campaign.

Who wants to be the cool cat to carry it over the line?

https://gamefound.com/projects/usducktape/tochange

That's it, that's the news. After some time to rest, collect myself, and focus on other personal and professional matters, Chapter 15 is almost ready to go! Get pumped! Or don't! It'll be posted regardless.

I'll be squeezing in some non-UTC art drops between now and then, too.

UTC (Urgent Transformation Crisis) is my current webcomic. It features teenage scientists using untested tech to turn people into all kinds of different things and then dealing with the consequences. You can read the full series at https://www.catomix.com/utc/comic/cover1

Extra content is offered through my Patreon campaign, where supporters have the option to see new pages 24 hours earlier than everyone else, and access exclusive sketches and bonus comics, including the humorous non-canon strip "UTC: The Baaad Comics," which is exactly what it sounds like.

It's been since... I think March 2020 that I last livestreamed. But a special occasion is coming up and I want to share it with y'all.

On Halloween, I'm delighted to be releasing the long-in-development first issue of "Flux Visage," a transformation comic anthology!

The comic will be available on itch.io as a pay-what-you-want downloadable PDF. (With a low, low base price of Free.)

The issue's main story is "Let Your Hair Down," the 2015 Rapunzel TF comic I posted here back in 2013/2015. It will be presented exactly as it appears here, albeit in higher resolution. This comic was the pilot project for the anthology.

The backup story is a 3-page satyr TG/TF that I made back in...gosh, 2009?! The comic was in black-and-white. It's now been colored by  Stargate525 , the same artist who colored "Let Your Hair Down," and this new version will be exclusive to Flux Visage.

To round out the issue, I'm illustrating a brand new cover and 2 stand-alone transformation illustrations which are also exclusive to the issue.

It's those new illustrations that I will be drawing in the livestream. I'll be drawing my first-ever lynx and velociraptor TFs!

The stream will start Friday around 7:00 PM EDT on Picarto. I'll post another journal with the link before it starts.

Registration will be opening soon for FE 2022. It's hard to grasp that this year is almost 3/4 over with. And this leads to having to make some difficult decisions, like how to piecemeal the vacation days my job allows.

After thinking it over for several weeks, I've decided not to attend FE next year.

Provided covid finally gets under control, I'm going on a couple of major trips in 2022. I was hoping to take one of these trips this October, but anti-vaxxers and the delta variant pretty much quashed that. So it's been pushed to next March or April, around the time of FE.

As much as I want to go back to FE after two years of shutdowns, these other trips are rarer opportunities to go to places and to see people that don't arise with the frequency of an annual convention. Especially after we've all gone through a huge upheaval, it's a personal priority to see certain long-distance friends again.

Looking further into the future, I hope to attend FE in 2023 and as many times afterward as possible. It's my favorite convention of all time and the quality of the company that has welcomed me there with open arms is unlike any group I've ever known. I miss you all a lot. I hope you have a safe and fantastic time next year.

I feel like I should explain why all of my art in the past 18 months has been UTC-related. With the limited time and energy I've had, I'm focusing on a single project so I can feel like I'm truly accomplishing something and growing as a creator.

I've probably written before about how, mentally, I feel pulled in a dozen directions at once. Hunkering down and declaring "Okay, I'm going to just work on UTC Phase Three until I either run into a major jam or I finish the whole thing" has been, so far, wildly successful. In the past year and a half I've finished 34 comic pages and 2 cover images. That's more progress than I made on UTC in the 3 YEARS before that.

With my job stressing me out and the pandemic being, you know, horrible, there are plenty of weeks when it's really hard to get anything done at all. But I've been trying my best. Truth be told, I'm not very happy with the art quality of most of the pages. But I think where I'm making real strides is in my writing. I'd like to say the art would be better if I gave myself more time to draw each page, but given how little time there is, I'm in a "quantity over quality" mode. It's basically the question "do you want Phase Three finished in 2022, or 2032?"

The knock-on effects that working on UTC has had on other parts of my life are obvious. Although I wasn't doing much socializing due to the pandemic anyway, I've still scaled back my online interactions. My anxiety levels are at a near-constant high thanks to current events, my job, occasional weather-related crises (my furnace just broke AGAIN), and pushing myself to get a page of UTC done each week. I take mental health breaks every so often when I really need one, but if I get too comfortable relying on those, I'm going to slump into another hiatus, so I have to be mindful of a good balance.

At least I know where my emotional breaking point is. Ever since I learned that, I've been careful to limit how much I work, as well as who I talk to and how often, so my little overstimulated introvert brain can recharge its energy. But shutting myself off from the majority of the community hurts in other ways. Especially since conventions can't restart for a while yet, I'm often wanting to contact furries/TF folks and either catch up or just hash out TF ideas. But I don't because I know I'll only be able to hold a half-hour conversation and then I won't say another word for months.

So, yeah, it's going to be mostly UTC stuff for a while longer. I hope that's okay with all of you. I WOULD like to make some one-off TF comics or do another costume series or draw some art for other people. But that's going to have to come as time and energy allows. I've always got IDEAS. Hopefully one day we'll see what can be made from them.

Thank you to everyone leaving comments on UTC. It's always been a love letter to the wonderful TF community and my heart gets a nice boost seeing people are still invested in it after so long. The full archives are, as always, on the website. And my Patreon page is still active and posting pages a day early, if you're into that sort of thing.

First, fellow fur Mage Omega is taking TF sketch commissions. He's in a tough spot and any business would help him out.

Read more here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38500611/

As far as journaling goes, I haven't done much of it in the past while. I'm the kind of person who exposes himself in fits and spurts. I will want to post a journal about something, then decide it's not significant enough or it reveals too much of my personal life. Then at certain points I decide to throw together a big journal with updates and go overboard with details and try to justify that by tying it all up into some kind of life lesson.

This journal won't be anything like that. It's just a personal update, with quick looks into a bunch of topics.

I'm happy to report that I've been in good physical health, as well as my immediate family. We had some scares, but the only illness anyone has come down with thus far this year has been the common cold. Mental health has not fared as well, but I've resumed sessions with my therapist in the last few months and things quickly started to turn around. I'd hardly claim to be doing "great," but I'll settle for "I have an optimistic thought at least once per day."

I've socially distanced as much as possible. I rarely see family members, and when I do, it's outside our houses. I really miss board gaming with my local group. We were close to finishing our campaign of Betrayal Legacy, and have been accumulating more games in the interim that we hope to play one day, when COVID is behind us. We've made some attempts at virtual gaming, but one thing or another makes those sessions an extreme rarity.

The people I'm in contact with the most these days are the ones who are probably reading this journal right now. IMs and voice chats with friends in the furry/TF community have provided much companionship, comfort, and entertainment.

Although even then, I don't spend a lot of time online chatting. I've always preferred solo activities, whether it's a video game or binge watching "Star Trek" or drawing comics. As you can see from my gallery, I've gotten back into the swing of making UTC. It was very hard to pick it up again, as it always is after a hiatus, but there has been something about this story, and this moment in time, that has gotten me fired up and putting more energy into the comic than I have in the last five years.

I have ideas for TF art, as always, although I'm not sure when to say to expect non-UTC content appearing here again. I'm spending most of my creative energy on that, but the current chapter is almost over and I haven't decided if I'm going to jump right into the next one (I'm excited for what's coming down the pike in this series) or if I'll find some justifiable distractions in drawing standalone TF sequences. I do hope this streak of artistic energy lasts a while, whatever results from it.

Job-wise, I consider myself very fortunate. I've been working from home since March and haven't experienced any financial difficulties. The money I've been saving while stuck at home has been going to various charities and individuals. There has been one major, consistent drawback, though. Our company is in a hiring freeze, but our workload is only getting larger, which means everyone in my department has been shouldering more responsibilities while having to cope with the limitations of working from home. My biggest fear right now isn't that I or someone I care about will come down with COVID. It's that I or someone I work with will suffer a breakdown. I'm doing my best to give support to my team, both as a relief worker and as a source of reassurance. There isn't much more any of us can do, sadly. We just try to endure, like everyone has been trying to endure, throughout this whole sad year.

I'm counting down the days until my state opens early voting. I plan to cast my vote in person, due to the issues with the postal service, but as a secondary measure, I did apply for an absentee ballot and will drop it off at the polling site's collection box if the place is too crowded to go inside.

Lately, to help me unwind no matter what I'm doing, there are two soundtracks I've been listening to on loop: the "Tetris Effect" soundtrack by Hydelic, and Neil Cicierega's Mouth albums. One is a sea of tranquility and the other a twisted nightmare of pop culture, but they both give me exactly what I need right now: a consistent mood that I can deeply connect with to find stability.

I suppose that wraps up this journal. Stay safe and stay good, everyone. Call your closest friends and/or relatives and tell them you love them.

This is just a quick update to A) let you know that I'm still kicking, and B) announce that the final story of "The Mother Trilogy" (UTC's 12th chapter) will begin on Monday, September 14.

Keep hanging in there, everyone! We'll make it through 2020.

A longtime fan of my comics has been dealing with a disability for several years due to a car accident. He's looking to raise $5,000 to afford the tests and surgery he needs to regain some of his mobility. He's just over halfway to his goal.

If you're reading this, please check out his GoFundMe campaign and consider donating.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/zpz74-me.....cp+share-sheet

CONTENT WARNING: frank descriptions of sexuality

Updated June 14, 2022, to neutralize the tone of some of the content, clarify obtuse phrasing, and call more attention to the friends and followers who made this all possible. It was NOT a solo journey by any means!

- - -

"You should post your work on TransFur," ShadowChaser said.

"You should post your work on FurAffinity," Tsume said.

"You should come to Anthrocon," Keys said.

"You should come to Furnal Equinox," Ang said.

Every time someone posed a question like these, I was afraid. I knew it was the fear more than anything keeping me from saying yes. There were so many unknowns. Was it good to make my art more visible? Was it good to make ME more visible? Was it good to meet these weird internet people? Did I deserve the opportunities friends were offering me? I didn't know. And I knew that I wouldn't know unless I said yes.

So I said yes.

The last decade-plus, for me, has been one long, drawn-out transformation sequence. Everyone loves a long TF. It's exciting to watch...but most of the time, not so exciting for the participant. UNTIL you get to that ONE part: The crux point where they realize how good it feels and what a great form they're gaining. And then everything's grand. Thanks to determination and a lot of support from friends and all of you, I finally got there.

I entered the 2010s a broken, self-hating, frightened man. I entered the 2020s with a genuine acceptance and love of myself and everyone I met along the way. Cobalt transformed from a lion putting up a shabby facade of fierceness to a kimera flaunting his ridiculous body image. And then he did it for real in the halls of the Westin Harbour Castle.

On the Saturday night of FE, after partially discarding my kimera costume (it would later take over an hour to extricate my face from the mask it was all-too-happily bonded with), I sat in on the TF After Dark panel hosted by Angrboda, Abe E Seedy, Therian and Fuego. They've recorded a series of podcasts on sexuality in the TF sphere that are quite positive, accepting and informative. I had listened to most of them, at first just out of curiosity to get a better understanding of a side of the fandom I wasn't familiar with. But the more I listened to their conversations, the more comfortable I actually started to feel about myself. Not just in a sexual aspect, but overall.

Our fandom is weird, there's no denying that, though there has always existed a part of me that couldn't fully accept what I liked and what I wanted to be in the context of the furry/TF fandom. While listening to each episode and its broad-yet-personal inclusive topics, the baggage of shame and self-doubt I've carried my entire adult life seemed to weigh a little less as time went on. I started to recontextualize my relationship with myself, and recognize in a new light what friendships and intimate relationships can be. Specifically, I remember a lot of discussion about healthy relationships having open communication and well-defined boundaries. Was I communicating honestly with people? With myself? What boundaries did I put up that were necessary, and what boundaries were put up just out of fear or shame?

So, we were sitting in the panel room and a conversation I had with my friend during the drive to the con played in my head about the furry fandom and cons. "It's not all about sexuality," I said to him. "Some furries don't have any sexual interest in it at all. Some are a blend, but the boundaries between those who don't care for the sex and those who do are respected. I certainly don't go for the sexual aspects, though it does intrigue me. I love the art and the costumes and I admit, I like wearing a collar, but I'm not in touch with my sexuality, so I don't go very far into that corner of the fandom."

And yet, that night, there the two of us were in the middle of the panel room with a hundred or more furs, having a wildly imaginative, kinky, raunchy, insightful, respectful, and refreshingly frank conversation about sex-positive exploration of TF. I was embarrassed...but only because I'd invited my friend WHO WAS NOT A FURRY into this den. Aside from that, I wasn't afraid to be there. I wasn't afraid to listen.

I wasn't afraid.

"It's not all about the sex, huh?" my friend needled me on the drive home. He enjoyed the trip, though I respect his decision not to come again. It's not his scene. But he, too, chose to override his fear of new experiences and say yes to my initial invitation. It helped expand his worldview.

It certainly expanded mine. I wasn't home for 24 hours before I discovered exactly how much the trip had changed me. Spending that time with everyone discussing why we're drawn to this fandom... these kinks... these questions we keep asking ourselves about what it would feel like to change? What would we change into? Who would we help transform if they wanted it?

So many people at the con--friends and strangers alike--were welcoming and accepting. Embedded in those interactions were unspoken affirmations like how it's OKAY to be a little afraid. It's OKAY to be open with your partner about what you'd like to do. It's OKAY to reveal your innermost desires to a receptive ear. It's OKAY to HAVE those desires as long as they hurt no one.

After coming to understand this, one more fear was revealed to me: I have spent my entire life fearing DELIGHT.

In earlier years, that fear concerned whether my god would banish me if I indulged in earthly pleasures. Then, in the years after I shrugged off that notion, it was replaced by fear that my family would be ashamed of me. Then, ultimately, it was simply the fear that I don't deserve to feel good about anything having to do with my life, my soul, my body.

I'd never managed to get in touch with my sexuality. Why? Maybe that fear was part of it.

Among friends in the FE zoo: embodying my imagined kimera self using a prosthetic slapped on my face and teetering on artificial hooves, I was ACCEPTED, without question.

Among friends in the After Dark panel room: hearing people bare their imaginations and desires with stories of simulating (and stimulating) transformations... I ACCEPTED THEM, without question.

We're all who we are, and that's okay. More than that, it's AWESOME.

I was sitting at my computer at home, recovering from con fatigue by browsing FA and looking up some old favorite pictures and stories. And all of the memories of that beautiful weekend ran through my mind. The jokes. The smiles. The delight. The love. I'm loved. I can be loved. I'm allowed to be loved. I'm allowed to FEEL love.

A familiar arousal built up as I kept browsing. Every time before then, I only had two options: ignore it as best as I could, or find some activity to do to ride out the emotions. Usually that activity was writing or drawing a TF. Intellectual stimulation. Nothing physical. I wasn't allowed to feel love, and besides I never figured out how to effectively explore my body, so it was pointless. I was stupid when it came to sexuality. And besides, I didn't deserve it.

This time, I pushed those thoughts away. I had to allow myself to feel love, or at least try to.

I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do so I just started where it felt the best and let my hands do what seemed to get the best response. (I'm sorry that I can't be more specific here... for so long I wished someone would just hand me a step-by-step guide to self-pleasure. Now I know why the resourced I'd sought out before were so vague or unhelpful. If I could describe what I did in a way that could help someone reading this, I would.)

Maybe it wasn't just learning to let go of my anxieties about what I liked and what arouses me that set it off. Maybe it was also the decades of repression and my body realizing that I was actually leaning into it for once and saying "FINALLY! LET'S GO!"

My body sort of did its own thing. Unlike any other time I would feel anything close to this, I'd try to suppress it. This time, I didn't flinch, didn't push, didn't do anything except allow myself to feel what was bubbling up naturally. The usual thoughts of "This is wrong" and "You can't allow this" came and I said to hell with it. Let this happen. I'm allowed to have this. This is good. This feels good. It's okay.

What followed was really gross. But it felt amazing. It felt right. It felt as right as when I donned the kimera costume and looked in the mirror. Just like every time someone called me Cobalt that weekend. It was just another aspect of me, a perfectly fine aspect, hidden deep inside and waiting for me to embrace it.

A few minutes later, I was cleaning up in the shower and laughing like a wild man. After over a decade of trying to unlock the secret to sexuality, I had all but given up. I had accepted at age 36 that I might never find what most people discover as early as 12 or 13. But now, after giving up all the pressure and the shame and the fear, there was room for the love that had recently flooded into my life.

I wish I could describe more specifically the steps to take for a sexually repressed person to get in touch with that side of themselves. It was like I had been poking and prodding at the various mechanisms of a puzzle box, and suddenly the whole thing opened in my hands. All I know is that it was much more cerebral than physical. I just happened to finally be in the right mental state.

So. It took me a while to write this journal because I've still been a little afraid. I wasn't sure how much of this to disclose, and how to talk about my sudden awakening in a way that was comfortable (for me and for you). As much as this may have rankled some readers, I've written this in the hopes that some of you might be helped by it. My small way of paying forward the love this community has freely given.

This is probably the 6,298th journal about the incredible acceptance and compassion of the furry community, but it can't be said enough: Your acceptance and compassion is transformative.

Now, okay, I haven't COMPLETELY changed. I'm still a self-hating, frightened man, and on days when I'm worn down, the darkness reminds me it's there, eager to drag me down again. The difference is that I can endure its presence now. You've helped me finally accept all aspects of myself--the fear AND the love. That makes all the difference in the world.

Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for proving that fear doesn't have to win.

All my love,
Cobalt

I've gotten a lot of commission requests this year. I'm incredibly flattered by all of the attention my dresses and dolls have attracted. I haven't posted much art over the past couple of years, but what I have been able to work on and show off are pieces that I enjoyed the heck out of making. I wish I could make more things like this. I thought it would be best to write a journal about why I don't.

The most significant reason for not offering commissions is that I already have two jobs. I work at minimum 40 hours a week at an office. Thankfully, it's fulfilling work and I take pride in what I do (which is much more than I can say for every other job I've ever had). But it takes up most of my time. On top of that, my other "job" is the work I put into my comic UTC. Some weeks I spend more time on it than others. For November, I tracked my time and it averaged out to 12 hours per week. That's already a lot of time dedicated to using up creative energy.

Sometimes I have a window of opportunity to draw more than just UTC-related stuff. But that window is very rare these days, and on top of that, there's my fickle attention span. Some days I'm obsessed with dress TF. Other days I'm completely into dolls of one type or another. Other days I can't even decide what type of TF I'm into, there are so many. So when I do have the time to make something for myself, it's usually spent looking up other artwork or stories to find something concrete to focus on. And just looking over those things takes all my remaining time before I have to turn my attention to real-world things like my job or sleep.

And it's not like I don't need money. I'm running a budget deficit currently. Commissions would really help me out there. But I don't want to do a job just for the money. I want to be able to put my heart into it, and right now, UTC is where my heart lies. I'd like to find a way to produce the comic consistently and build up a large enough base of support that would pay my bills the way commissions would if I focused on those.

Now, my priorities could change, as they have before when I would put the comic on hiatus to focus on commissions and personal projects. In the coming months or a year or so, I may shift to focus on commissions again. But I can't put my heart into both commissions and UTC at the same time. I've tried. I just can't make that work. (Ask any of my commissioners. They've been very nice and very patient with me.)

If I do reopen commissions, you'll see it here first. Thank you very much to those who've shown interest. I hope we can work together one day. Until then, I hope you enjoy what you see in this gallery. :)

Most of my time drawing this year has been on UTC, so I figured it was about time to start posting the comic itself to FA. You've already seen the updates from this past week. New pages will continue to be posted from now on, on the same days updates appear on the main website. http://www.utc-comic.com

Two more pages will be coming next Tuesday and Thursday. I won't post old pages of the comic here, because there are just too many. But future UTC-related art will be showing up here, not just the comic pages.

I know I'm a billion months late on the third part of my Furnal Equinox journal. I still have a lot of things to say about what the con left me with. They're important enough that I still want to say them, but it focuses on personally sensitive details and feelings. It's been frustrating to come up with just the right approach to talk about it on a public journal like this without making myself or readers uncomfortable.

To keep from obfuscating things and rousing wild speculation, the con was an overwhelmingly great experience and it left me feeling much happier about myself. I hope I can find the right words to explain it all soon, because I think telling the story would benefit others out there. In the meantime, I recommend this great journal from Cathryn. It mirrors a lot of my thoughts on the subject. (caution - discussion of sexuality) https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9081959/

This year was very different for two reasons: first, as covered in Part I, I had a friend coming with me who was a relative newbie to the furry world. Second, I had spent the better part of a year assembling pieces for a goat costume to wear.

In the early stages, it felt more like a flight of fancy than an actual objective. I stumbled across an Etsy store selling amazing-looking hoof leggings and I fell head over heels in love with the idea of owning hooves of my own that were semi-realistic. More than anything, I wanted to just experience walking on hooves. Feel their weight dragging at my ankle, hear them clop loudly on the floor, all that good stuff. I bought them before the last FE and they came shortly after it, and WOW, was I in heaven trying them on the first time.

After that, I knew I had to go for a full costume. But I wanted something more realistic than a fursuit. I have total respect for fursuiters, and I do not mean to imply I have anything against any type of costuming, so please don't take what I have to say as a slight. Personally, I didn't want to feel like I was concealing myself in a shell. I wanted people to see my own eyes and talk with my own mouth. I wanted to feel like I had truly transformed.

Inspired by  DizFoley and a handful of others I've seen at cons wearing prosthetics, I dug up a knock-off Avatar Navi cat nose prosthetic I bought on eBay years ago on a whim. I had never tried putting it on before. I also had some faun ears to go with it. So, with those prosthetics and my new hooves, I began building what would become a white-haired, ivory-horned, grey-hoofed goat man. I bought some awesome 3D-printed horns from another Etsy seller and some white fur arm warmers.

But then came the hardest part: finding realistic hoof gloves. I didn't have the budget for $900 silicone gloves from special effects creature shops, but I didn't want basic non-poseable hard hooves, either. I enlisted my mom's help in sewing together three-fingered gloves out of black nylon opera gloves and black vinyl fabric. For a first attempt they came out darn well, although without the arm warmers to provide fur context, they looked almost like penguin flippers. My mom thought they were rather demonic, and I reluctantly had to agree. But it was the best we could do, and I was more than happy to have anything to cover my hands and give me the three-fingered look I always love in ungulate anthros.

And then it was convention time! Thursday I drove to Toronto with my first-furcon friend in tow. I introduced him to my usual roommates,  MatthiasRat and  Fulminar . We usually have at least one more but unfortunately not all could make it this year, so it was just the four of us. With the exception of Saturday night, we had our traditional nightly games of Betrayal at House on the Hill, which Matthias won every time, whether he was the traitor or on the hero's side. I'm not bitter or anything. (I'm really not; it's a delight to know people who are as into this game as I am.)

Friday we jumped right into the festivities. No sooner had my friend and I picked up our badges than we met the usual suspects in the zoo, a group which included  Angrboda ,  Therian ,  AbeESeedy ,  Balina ,  Kraken and many more. I was eager to introduce my friend to this bunch because of how many artists there were around, and several folks were sketching as conversations went on. I was very happy to see  Fenchurch attending for the first time, so I drew her goat toy 'sona.

We scoped out the dealer's den, which has grown IMMENSELY in just the 3 years I've been attending. It was probably twice the size (floor plan and table count) as it was in 2017. I stopped and chatted with the artists I've gotten familiar with, particularly guests of honor  CatmonkShiro and  Nyomi . Shiro had had a bumpy start to the con, but things were already starting to improve, and he was handling it like the champ that he is. He was even willing to try seeing if his bear-hugging prowess could help my friend's achy back, and yes, it worked.

Then, while I was chatting with Nyomi (Moth Monarch), I spied a pair of fuzzy hoof gloves at the neighboring table. I almost did a double-take. They were made of thick, plush black fabric with shaggy white fur around the cuff that almost perfectly matched the fur on my arm warmers. They looked a bit more toonish than I had envisioned for my hoof gloves, but they looked like such a good match for the costume, and easier to put on and take off if I needed to use my phone or some other task that required real fingers. I asked the seller (Creature of Interest; https://www.facebook.com/creatureofinterest/ ) if they were for sale, and she said they were actually one-of-a-kind gloves she had made on commission, but her buyer backed out of the sale, so she brought them in the hopes that someone else might want them. I immediately produced my wallet and she sold them to me for an extremely reasonable price. My costume was finally, truly complete. (And I can NEVER tell my mom that only a handful of con attendees ended up seeing her gloves in use.)

Friday night I was invited to join  CheasyDino and a large group of TF enthusiasts to their annual dinner at Jack Astors. That was one of only two times politics came up all weekend, which was refreshing. There were also lots of crayons and brown paper tablecloths, so lots of drawing commenced before the food arrived.

On Saturday, my friend and I checked out a panel hosted by  StarWarriors about 25 common pitfalls in making a webcomic. It was very well-run and informational. I think I checked at least 20 of the boxes given all the stumbling blocks I've hit making UTC.

After that it was a quick hop to the sushi place and then I had to get my costume on. With my friend's help, the prosthetic got glued on much better than my first and only test-run of the thing two weeks beforehand. But I really had to rush to get the makeup and everything on, because at 3:45 the Fursuit Fandango photographer had scheduled a realistic-fursuit shoot. Faced with either missing the shoot, or putting on my hooves and hobbling downstairs in time for Cheasy's 4:00 TF panel I had promised to attend, I decided to go flat-footed. Everything else was on. The prosthetic looked great. I had to get over my need for perfection.

I've been to a con in a costume before, but that was at anime and comic conventions, where the characters I was playing were humans. I was trotting to the photoshoot in a long white wig, fluffy arms and large curved horns on my head...plus my face was almost totally, delightfully not human. I was TERRIFIED and THRILLED. Many of you likely know how it is, even better than I do. It felt like I was really understanding for the first time why costuming is so fun, and mentally rewarding.

The shoot went off without a hitch (save for the loud music making it hard to hear anything).  Caturnalia and  K-Libra were there. Caturnalia was in one of her many awesome costumes, the snow leopard shaman. She had shown me her menagerie last year and helped me in considering my options for costume pieces. Her photographic transformation adventures were part of what inspired me in the first place, and convinced me the costume was something worth doing. We posed for some pictures.

These are the pics taken with Caturnalia: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31293046/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/31293082/

We all made tracks for the TF panel, where I had been invited, along with  LiimLsan , to join Cheasy on stage. We were asked to draw transformations based on prompts that the audience wrote down on slips of paper and Cheasy picked out of a hat. I thought the idea was fun and worth trying out, but unfortunately, the panel turned out to be a dud. For my part, I take responsibility for the wait time during the sketching portion. Cheasy had proposed to us a 3-to-5-minute timer and I suggested making it 7 to 10 minutes instead, because I am a slow drawer. It turned out I grossly underestimated both myself and LiimLsan's abilities. She sketched twice as many pictures as I did, and we both finished well before time ran out. But it was still a fun exercise. I just wish there was more for the audience to get out of it. From their perspective there was a lot of nothing going on and the format of the panel and the layout of the room didn't allow for enlightening audience discussion like we had in more intimate quarters last year.

After the panel, I went back upstairs to get my hooves on, and then chilled out in the zoo for a couple hours being all goaty and playing the board game Not Alone, hosted by  TFProxy . It was the only game besides Betrayal I got to play all weekend, but it was worth it, and it was a very fun strategy game to boot.

Eventually, I shed most of my costume but didn't have the time to take off the prosthetic before the TF after-dark panel that Angrboda, Therian, Abe and  Fuego were hosting, so I went there still pointy-eared and white-haired. I'd been in costume about 5 hours at that point, and was still being surprised by the circumstances it presented. It was like I was trying to reverse a self-induced TF, but couldn't complete the process, and had to decide to either mingle among society in a half-form, or lock myself in my room for the rest of the night hoping I could revert. It was a very life-imitating-art thing.

The panel itself was very good. I'm going to go in-depth about that in Part III. The rest of the night after that was spent getting my face back to normal, which took until about 2am. The costume was an incredible hassle to get in and out of, but every second of the experience was worth it. It felt fantastic, and from the many, many compliments I received, it made quite the splash. I have to admit, there is a diva inside me that I don't often like to bring out, because my ego can get out of control. But indulging in it here, among great friends and like minds, it felt good. It felt right. *I* felt right.

And I was far from the only one, as many friends had similar experiences of their own that weekend. The activities, conversations, meals, panels and everything in-between gave each of us something to do, something to consider, some way of changing how we presented ourselves to everyone else, and what amazes me but doesn't surprise me is how everyone rolls with it. You can show up as who you want to be--who you are--whatever that means to you, and you're greeted with a smile and a "Great to see you!" Now I understand that better than I ever have.

I skipped over a ton of stuff that happened during weekend, and left out many, many people who were a pleasure to hang out with. If you don't see your name mentioned above, please don't think I've forgotten you. It's a blessing to know all of you and you made the con what it was.

Sunday was a return to "the usual," if there ever is such a thing at a furcon. Final conversations, goodbyes, and a parting dinner, and before we all knew it, it was done. Another great FE.

Then on Monday I accidentally drove all the way to the Buffalo border crossing instead of Niagara Falls, drove into the truck lane even while trying NOT to drive into the truck lane, and failed to take my sunglasses off for the annoyed border agent. Back to being my nervous human self for a while!

--
In Part III - a deeper look at the mature and rewarding after-dark TF panel and other specific, personal experiences that have stayed with me even weeks later.

This was a very different furcon for me. It was actually 3 different cons all at once, somehow. I don't really know how I kept my head on through it all. For my journals this year, I'm splitting them by topic instead of chronology. To start with, I'm going to tell you about a friend I brought along who has never been to one of these shindigs before. For privacy's sake, I'm going to call him John.

When one of our usual roommates informed us he unfortunately couldn't come to FE this year, I thought about a local friend who, for better or worse, has not had much happen in his life for a while and who has tried his hand at art with little incentive from his family or friends to keep at it. He's a brother to someone I've known since high school. He was the first My Little Pony fan I knew personally as I was getting into the series. When I thought about all of the people who live around me who might be interested in the con, he was the most obvious choice. He could meet other MLP fans, and he could meet artists of all types, and it would be a trip to a totally new place.

All the same, it's a furry convention. Most of my friends here don't know I'm a furry, and inviting him along would raise questions from the others. So first I had to ask myself if I was comfortable with anyone and everyone knowing that.

The answer was a pretty obvious "yes." I go out of my way to not mention the types of commissions I draw and characters I write about, but if anyone would ask me point-blank "do you draw animal people?" I would tell them the truth. But so far, no one has ever asked the question. Probably because it's not something that occurs to most people to ask, and I'm being typically paranoid to think otherwise. I also don't feel like it's appropriate to wave my furry stuff in people's faces. I've barely managed to promote my UTC comic to friends, and that's technically only furry-adjacent.

So, I invited John. I explained what kind of con it was. He's been to anime cons (and I had thought also Brony cons, but I was mistaken) so not all of it would be new to him. He said sure; he was eager for a new experience. Life in this neck of the woods can get very dull and monotonous.

On the drive there, among other topics, we talked about the typical stigma of "furries only go to cons for sex". I told him I wasn't very in touch with my sexuality but that I knew and hung out with a few artists who drew and wrote adult-themed stuff and that I did have an interest for that kind of thing. He said he knew enough about the fandom to know not to expect orgies in the hotel rooms, and that even if there were, he wasn't going to judge and he felt safe that I wouldn't put him in any awkward situations.

I did not live up to that level of trust.

For much of the con I found myself at a loss for how to introduce him to everyone I knew. I hadn't considered how unfamiliar John was with socializing outside his hometown group, and I hadn't considered the perception that I was prying into everyone else's activities by bringing this guy who was "not one of us" to meet all my furry artist friends. I failed to start and facilitate discussions. I didn't want to hold his hand or order him around, but he didn't know what to do most of the time. And when he did get to have a real conversation about art, he had no idea what to say because he'd never actually DISCUSSED making art with anyone like this. Nobody had taken an interest in what he drew back home.

That's not to say people weren't welcoming. Everyone was very polite and cheerful, but it was clear I'd brought someone who wasn't "in" with the club. I wanted to jump in and coax more dialogue between John and others, but I held back out of fear that I'd just make things worse. He sat alone often...while I prattled on about my webcomic over and over, too cowardly to just pull him over and interrupt the whole group by saying "I know this is asking a lot, but would anybody like to give my friend art advice?"

Things picked up, though. As I was fretting over the thought that I'd talked him into a monumental waste of his money and time, he returned from a solo trip to the dealer's den with a few beautiful art prints. We took several walks around the den together and met a lot of artists for the first time. We went to a great "how to make webcomics" panel that he got some advice out of. Every night he joined our roommate  MatthiasRat and I in rousing games of Betrayal. He said he was enjoying himself.

He was certainly enjoying the food. Toronto restaurants are the best. <3 And when we dined with a group he seemed to hit it off with folks in chats about video games or some other general geekery.

I thought I'd made a gigantic mistake by bringing him along to the transformation after-dark panel. I hadn't realized just how desensitized I've become to discussions about really intimate subjects. Now, I thought the panel was really good. (I'll be devoting a big chunk of another journal to that later.) John was weirded out, but he said he found it fascinating, from a dispassionate perspective, that folks could be so specific and creative about fetish stuff.

Afterward, he was extremely polite about me blindsiding him with the panel, as it wasn't until *I* brought up the elephant in the room that he criticized me for saying earlier that I didn't go very far into the sexual side of the fandom. But again, he didn't judge me or anyone else for it. It just wasn't HIS thing and I apologized for involving him.

I really didn't evaluate just how far into this fandom I've come over the years and how hard I was pulling my novice friend in. Like I said before, I have nothing I feel like hiding anymore. I have no sense of shame for the stuff that I like. But that doesn't give me the right to expose a friend who isn't into my weird TF stuff to the full extent of that interest.

On the drive home, he told me he really did have a fun time, and that he'd learned a whole new perspective he couldn't quite understand, but he appreciated. We concluded that his experience at a furcon as an outsider and passive observer was like going on an anthropomorphic safari.

We talked more thoughtfully about his art, and I learned more about his motivations to make art and ways he's explored art. We talked about a lot of things I should have thought to ask him about BEFORE the trip, honestly. But ultimately, it seemed like this was a good primer for him just getting to see and talk with other artists both professional and amateur. It pulled the curtain back on how enriching and diverse art is as a hobby.

I still don't know if I did the right thing by inviting him along. I'm relieved it didn't go badly for him. I'm going to do more to encourage and support him artistically. But I think he's fine with not attending any more furcons.

- - -
In Part II - a general summary of the fun times we had that weekend and the friends we had them with.

Just letting the furry world know that I'll be attending Furnal Equinox for the third time! I'll be there all 3 days and will be trying out a brand new goatman costume I put together on Saturday.

There's a TF-themed panel at 4pm Saturday I'll be a part of as well.

If you're going to the con, have a safe journey and a fantastic time! See you there.

Everyone else, have yourselves a good weekend wherever you are.

It's crazy that January is already over and I'm just getting around to writing about 2018. I almost didn't bother writing this journal, but I was largely inactive on FA last year, so I feel like something should be said, before moving onto future endeavors.

2018 wasn't a great year for a lot of people that I know. It wasn't a great year for my country. Most of you are probably all too aware of that, so I won't go into detail. Thankfully, though, I managed to have a decent year, with a couple of particular high notes.

What I'll remember the most about last year was the two-week trip I took to Europe. I visited England, Germany and Denmark. Traveling is something that used to terrify me to the point where, in high school, I specifically chose an in-state college so I wouldn't have to deal with -- gasp -- living in another STATE. (The horror.) It took a lot of baby steps, but by the time I had completed my masters (OUT of state), I had warmed up to the idea of traveling and that's when I knew I had to visit another country at some point.

It took a long time saving up and waiting for an opportunity, but it finally happened last summer. With the help of some very good and generous friends, the trip went great and I had the time of my life. I hope I can do something like that again before long. It was such an eye-opening experience.

After that, my art really took off. I acted on inspiration and sketched a lot more. (You can see the best output from that in my Scraps folder.) I also doubled-down on my neglected comic, UTC, which led to the second big win of the year, which was finally completing the second volume in book form. You can get it digitally or in print at these shops!

That's mostly what I've been up to. There was a lot of other stuff, but it's either more personal or job-related so I won't talk about it here. It was a very busy year even though my gallery doesn't reflect that. I'm already working to fill in that gap with some new projects. Speaking of which, after reflecting on how I'm treating my comic, I've decided that it's time I posted UTC content here on FA. You guys are my primary audience for the series, after all, and I should show it. Starting soon I'm going to be uploading pages from the latest UTC arc on here. It may lead to me uploading all of the new pages as they are released on the comic's own website. It'll be a test for now, to see how well they go over with you folks.

Lastly, I'm planning to go to a couple of cons this year. I'll be at Furnal Equinox in Toronto and Anthrocon in Pittsburgh! This will be the first time I've done two cons in one year, and I haven't been to AC since 2015, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Hope you all have a great 2019!