FA+
Shop
Tears of salt, tears of coffee grounds, tears of fondant
General | Posted 12 years agoThere are tears of grief and sorrow,
As salty as the sea, twice as cold,
And a thousand times as overwhelming.
There are tears of hateful rancor,
Bitter as the dust at the bottom of a pit
Dug in a desert of spent coffee grounds.
But the tears that come right now are of relief and final contentment,
Sweet as a rising yellow creme egg fondant sun
Illuminating a crowd of upturned welcoming faces.
As salty as the sea, twice as cold,
And a thousand times as overwhelming.
There are tears of hateful rancor,
Bitter as the dust at the bottom of a pit
Dug in a desert of spent coffee grounds.
But the tears that come right now are of relief and final contentment,
Sweet as a rising yellow creme egg fondant sun
Illuminating a crowd of upturned welcoming faces.
Announcement
General | Posted 12 years agoSo, for TOTALLY UNSPECIFIED REASONS, I am probably going to start moving to Weasyl. That is all.
A Flurry of Haiku (and a surprise Tanka)
General | Posted 12 years agogasping for air
where is home now?
the sound of waves
my coat is red
I'm hardly an angel
that damned song
wake up suddenly
kill the dream, look in mirror
dissatisfaction
little canid
where has your tail gone?
tracks in snow
five, seven, then five
like reflections in mirrors
topic and comment
excellent design:
minimal, imperfection
soul of the tanka:
efficient, ambiguous
one is both, and neither one
multitudes of worlds
locked inside a broken box
ashes that were me
where is home now?
the sound of waves
my coat is red
I'm hardly an angel
that damned song
wake up suddenly
kill the dream, look in mirror
dissatisfaction
little canid
where has your tail gone?
tracks in snow
five, seven, then five
like reflections in mirrors
topic and comment
excellent design:
minimal, imperfection
soul of the tanka:
efficient, ambiguous
one is both, and neither one
multitudes of worlds
locked inside a broken box
ashes that were me
On the Ocean
General | Posted 12 years agoI float, an island on the ocean
Around me near no speck of land in sight.
By day the sun shines hot upon me
Familiar-patterned stars at night.
"No man is an island," say the wise
"Open arms wide; you must but ignore hate!"
Every bridge from here to there I find
Too fragile to support my weight.
I tire of isolation's weight now
Self-imposed or other it matters not.
My chances of survival unknown:
My legs grow tired; the sun, hot.
So many bridges already smashed!
What's more the shame, I don't even know why.
Each bridge takes with it thoughts,
Its reasons for breaking thus fly.
What if I just stopped treading water?
I hear the ocean's nice this time of year.
Allow the sea to fill my lungs and
Sink silent down and disappear.
Such warp there be in the local net
If one should sink and thus be lost to all.
"A pity," all note, after the fact -
Scarcely noticed before the fall.
The thought of lifting my head strikes me
As my doomed struggle to rise continues,
The time when that might have been seems lost
With the strength of my poor sinews.
"Is it not," comment others, "that those,
Who seem strong are too grappling with the same?
After all, what you see is their heights;
Of you, you see all. That's to blame."
I can only note that my own heights
I find less sweet and quite so far between.
It is thus my lot in this life, then,
That my greater efforts be mean.
And if you should think that you can help,
I invite you to take a crack at it.
Though worthwhile, the road is difficult;
I lash out. Beware of sharp wit.
I dissuade you thus because you care;
You must, in order to think you can aid.
My misdirected rage knows no friend -
It's bright out here. Much glare. No shade.
And what burden to know of oneself!
To see your own flaws and feel that they'll stay.
To work like fetching water in sieves,
Until I die, day after day.
This hides my true desires in the end:
That all I want is but a few good friends.
Around me near no speck of land in sight.
By day the sun shines hot upon me
Familiar-patterned stars at night.
"No man is an island," say the wise
"Open arms wide; you must but ignore hate!"
Every bridge from here to there I find
Too fragile to support my weight.
I tire of isolation's weight now
Self-imposed or other it matters not.
My chances of survival unknown:
My legs grow tired; the sun, hot.
So many bridges already smashed!
What's more the shame, I don't even know why.
Each bridge takes with it thoughts,
Its reasons for breaking thus fly.
What if I just stopped treading water?
I hear the ocean's nice this time of year.
Allow the sea to fill my lungs and
Sink silent down and disappear.
Such warp there be in the local net
If one should sink and thus be lost to all.
"A pity," all note, after the fact -
Scarcely noticed before the fall.
The thought of lifting my head strikes me
As my doomed struggle to rise continues,
The time when that might have been seems lost
With the strength of my poor sinews.
"Is it not," comment others, "that those,
Who seem strong are too grappling with the same?
After all, what you see is their heights;
Of you, you see all. That's to blame."
I can only note that my own heights
I find less sweet and quite so far between.
It is thus my lot in this life, then,
That my greater efforts be mean.
And if you should think that you can help,
I invite you to take a crack at it.
Though worthwhile, the road is difficult;
I lash out. Beware of sharp wit.
I dissuade you thus because you care;
You must, in order to think you can aid.
My misdirected rage knows no friend -
It's bright out here. Much glare. No shade.
And what burden to know of oneself!
To see your own flaws and feel that they'll stay.
To work like fetching water in sieves,
Until I die, day after day.
This hides my true desires in the end:
That all I want is but a few good friends.
Evil Beliefs
General | Posted 12 years agoThe god of truth, knowledge, and learning once tracked down the demon of lies and ill deeds to his palace.
He confronted him in anger.
He said, "Why have you made humans do such things?"
The demon pointed to a little blue crystal ball with a grin.
He said,
"They do it to themselves. I just sit and enjoy it.
He said, gesturing to blips of light on the ball,
"You see, this world is full of evil beliefs.
They are both great and small, flagrant and subtle.
The great:
"Those people are all monsters and vermin."
"Kill them all. God will sort out his own."
"We were stabbed in the back!"
The small:
"Well, she was asking for it! Did you see what she was wearing?"
"Fuck you, got mine."
"Damn illegals."
The flagrant:
"These magnets cannot line up with the same poles, so homosexuality is immoral."
"All people are or should be identical."
"Deregulated corporate capitalism is the most perfect economic system ever devised."
But those which I love best, the subtle:
"We must act in accord at all times with the Categorical Imperative."
"The world is zero-sum, and thus the enemy of my enemy is my friend."
"I did the right thing.""
The demon sat back in his throne of papers, tablets, and USB drives,
And with a rustle, relaxed.
The god took no pleasure that day.
He confronted him in anger.
He said, "Why have you made humans do such things?"
The demon pointed to a little blue crystal ball with a grin.
He said,
"They do it to themselves. I just sit and enjoy it.
He said, gesturing to blips of light on the ball,
"You see, this world is full of evil beliefs.
They are both great and small, flagrant and subtle.
The great:
"Those people are all monsters and vermin."
"Kill them all. God will sort out his own."
"We were stabbed in the back!"
The small:
"Well, she was asking for it! Did you see what she was wearing?"
"Fuck you, got mine."
"Damn illegals."
The flagrant:
"These magnets cannot line up with the same poles, so homosexuality is immoral."
"All people are or should be identical."
"Deregulated corporate capitalism is the most perfect economic system ever devised."
But those which I love best, the subtle:
"We must act in accord at all times with the Categorical Imperative."
"The world is zero-sum, and thus the enemy of my enemy is my friend."
"I did the right thing.""
The demon sat back in his throne of papers, tablets, and USB drives,
And with a rustle, relaxed.
The god took no pleasure that day.
Fear meme?!
General | Posted 12 years agoFound from 
v-erity
[ ] the dark
[X] staying single forever
[X] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[X] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[X] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[X] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
Total so far: 5
[ ] being touched
[ ] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[X] failure (due to being judged)
[X] success (due to being judged)
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[X] rats
[X] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
Total so far: 9
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[X] death
[X] heaven (Singing praises to some god I don't believe in forever? No, thank you, I think not.)
[X] being robbed
[X] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[X] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[X] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
Total so far: 15
[ ] hurricanes
[X] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[X] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[X] becoming blind
[X] becoming deaf
[X] growing up
Total so far: 19
[X] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[X] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[ ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secrets
Final Total: 21
If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling ()
If you get more than 20, you're paranoid. (SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT!)
If you get 10-20, you are normal. ()
If you get 10 or less, you're fearless. ()
Never ask me to tell you the worst that could happen, because I will, and I'll be right.
v-erity[ ] the dark
[X] staying single forever
[X] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[X] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[X] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[X] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
Total so far: 5
[ ] being touched
[ ] deep water
[ ] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[X] failure (due to being judged)
[X] success (due to being judged)
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[X] rats
[X] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
Total so far: 9
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[X] death
[X] heaven (Singing praises to some god I don't believe in forever? No, thank you, I think not.)
[X] being robbed
[X] falling
[ ] clowns
[ ] dolls
[X] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[X] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
Total so far: 15
[ ] hurricanes
[X] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[X] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[X] becoming blind
[X] becoming deaf
[X] growing up
Total so far: 19
[X] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[X] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[ ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secrets
Final Total: 21
If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling ()
If you get more than 20, you're paranoid. (SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT!)
If you get 10-20, you are normal. ()
If you get 10 or less, you're fearless. ()
Never ask me to tell you the worst that could happen, because I will, and I'll be right.
Protein Folding
General | Posted 12 years agoA brief look into my mind:
A warm body, a heartbeat, and a sweet musk against mine
Curling up nestled protein-folding close
This is the minimal-energy point; this is the deepest of lush valleys
Sad conterfactuals all.
A warm body, a heartbeat, and a sweet musk against mine
Curling up nestled protein-folding close
This is the minimal-energy point; this is the deepest of lush valleys
Sad conterfactuals all.
Border Cougar!
General | Posted 12 years agoSo my awesome cougar Border needs money for such trivialities as food, so he's giving away and selling icons and badges. Go check it out!
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4691289/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4691289/
Lost in the Past
General | Posted 12 years agoI got lost in the past one day,
Wandering the corridors of my memory and history,
Watching the world pass me by.
Never mind that I expected it to work just fine
Even in my absence;
I was still surprised how little changed when I was behind.
Those I knew barely even noticed the time I was gone,
Not to speak of the world's larger affairs,
And when I returned,
Most were sure I'd never left.
If my absence has such little effect, how can my presence matter at all?
Wandering the corridors of my memory and history,
Watching the world pass me by.
Never mind that I expected it to work just fine
Even in my absence;
I was still surprised how little changed when I was behind.
Those I knew barely even noticed the time I was gone,
Not to speak of the world's larger affairs,
And when I returned,
Most were sure I'd never left.
If my absence has such little effect, how can my presence matter at all?
Wandering in the Dark
General | Posted 13 years agoCeaselessly do I wander and scrabble in the dark,
Nothing more than half a person, looking for the one
Whose peaks match my valleys; whose ins match my outs.
And so I lift this rusty, heavy lantern high, as it issues forth with feeble blue light,
Looking for specks like grounded stars in the cold darkness.
Once or twice have I seen, off in the distance,
A light somewhat brighter than usual,
A Sirius or a Vega lighting up the night, and once did I spy a fair Mars,
His ruddy glow beckoning from just over yonder,
But when I turned and ran towards the glimmering speck, eager to unite,
I looked up and saw it gone, as if never there.
Across this pale desert sand, still I wander;
Shall I succeed in my task,
Or will I expend my every last steaming breath in a futile search?
The task I meet is simple, though:
I am looking for one whose name I do not know and whose face I have never seen.
The number of my footsteps is an countable limit ordinal,
The glow of my lantern is measured in a few threadbare photons,
And the number of stars around me, sparkling as if to both taunt and beckon, is beyond count.
I must believe that one day my lantern will at last bump into another,
And that its owner and I will fit each other well - else why not but lie forever in the soft white sand?
Nothing more than half a person, looking for the one
Whose peaks match my valleys; whose ins match my outs.
And so I lift this rusty, heavy lantern high, as it issues forth with feeble blue light,
Looking for specks like grounded stars in the cold darkness.
Once or twice have I seen, off in the distance,
A light somewhat brighter than usual,
A Sirius or a Vega lighting up the night, and once did I spy a fair Mars,
His ruddy glow beckoning from just over yonder,
But when I turned and ran towards the glimmering speck, eager to unite,
I looked up and saw it gone, as if never there.
Across this pale desert sand, still I wander;
Shall I succeed in my task,
Or will I expend my every last steaming breath in a futile search?
The task I meet is simple, though:
I am looking for one whose name I do not know and whose face I have never seen.
The number of my footsteps is an countable limit ordinal,
The glow of my lantern is measured in a few threadbare photons,
And the number of stars around me, sparkling as if to both taunt and beckon, is beyond count.
I must believe that one day my lantern will at last bump into another,
And that its owner and I will fit each other well - else why not but lie forever in the soft white sand?
On Reunion
General | Posted 13 years agoAnd with a flash we, the foxes, returned to each other.
A letter slipped beneath a door,
Tentative inquiries made, edging around each other on tiptoes,
And then -
The lonely fox's saudade begins to ease,
The callous fox from across the border amerudi.
How strange, the lonely fox thinks to himself, that we should be united so,
Just as I was finally learning to live without him,
Or perhaps it's nothing more than the grand design of Those Who Deem One Ready,
That I should not see him again until I no longer need to.
Whether it's cruel, fitting, or pleasant he finds he cannot decide.
A letter slipped beneath a door,
Tentative inquiries made, edging around each other on tiptoes,
And then -
The lonely fox's saudade begins to ease,
The callous fox from across the border amerudi.
How strange, the lonely fox thinks to himself, that we should be united so,
Just as I was finally learning to live without him,
Or perhaps it's nothing more than the grand design of Those Who Deem One Ready,
That I should not see him again until I no longer need to.
Whether it's cruel, fitting, or pleasant he finds he cannot decide.
How old were you when you...?
General | Posted 13 years agoLost your virginity? Not yet!
Lost someone close to you? Not yet!
Consumed alcohol? 12-ish?
Received a kiss? 18.
Went to the hospital? Immediately after birth. (:V)
Had a broken heart? 18.
Lost a pet? 16.
Got arrested? Not yet!
Broke a bone? Not yet!
Got a job? 18?
Got a boyfriend or girlfriend? 17, if you'd count that "relationship". >w<
Went to a concert? 8.
Met someone famous? 12.
Got in a car wreck? 13. A small one!
Dyed your hair? Not yet!
Flew on an airplane? 3?
Went to another state? 1!
Went across the country? 13?
Went to another country? 12.
Got a tattoo? Not yet!
Had a piercing? Not yet!
Smoked pot? 18. >w>
Smoked a cigarette? Not yet!
Went to Disney Land or World? 11.
Had A Long term relationship? Not yet!
Dated somebody of another race? 18, see above.
Passed out from drinking? Not yet!
Became a furry? 7-ish if you count some things, 16 if you don't.
Went to your first non business / work related convention? 18.
Lost someone close to you? Not yet!
Consumed alcohol? 12-ish?
Received a kiss? 18.
Went to the hospital? Immediately after birth. (:V)
Had a broken heart? 18.
Lost a pet? 16.
Got arrested? Not yet!
Broke a bone? Not yet!
Got a job? 18?
Got a boyfriend or girlfriend? 17, if you'd count that "relationship". >w<
Went to a concert? 8.
Met someone famous? 12.
Got in a car wreck? 13. A small one!
Dyed your hair? Not yet!
Flew on an airplane? 3?
Went to another state? 1!
Went across the country? 13?
Went to another country? 12.
Got a tattoo? Not yet!
Had a piercing? Not yet!
Smoked pot? 18. >w>
Smoked a cigarette? Not yet!
Went to Disney Land or World? 11.
Had A Long term relationship? Not yet!
Dated somebody of another race? 18, see above.
Passed out from drinking? Not yet!
Became a furry? 7-ish if you count some things, 16 if you don't.
Went to your first non business / work related convention? 18.
OH HEY LOOK A MEMETHING
General | Posted 13 years agoI blame 
frostyw for this travesty.
It's OK to note me instead of replying.
WOULD YOU.....
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] lick my cheek?
[_] miss me if we went out then broke up?
[_] dance with me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] tap me on the a**?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] caress my body?
[_] play strip poker with me?
[_] say yes if i asked you out?
[_] let me wear your pants?
[_] get wasted with me? -- if wasted == drunk
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?
DO YOU...
[_] think im cute?
[_] think im hot?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to cuddle with me?
[_] want to hook up with me?
ARE WE...
[_] acquaintances?
[_] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
[_] gonna have kids?
AM I...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] lovable?
[_] adorable?
[_] compassionate?
[_] annoying?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] odd?
HAVE YOU EVER...
[_] thought about me?
[_] thought there might be an "us"?
[_] thought about hookin' up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished i were there?
[_] grabbed me?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] idolized me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?
ARE YOU...
[_] happy you know me?
[_] mad at me?
[_] thinkin' bout me? -- kinda hard not to while answering this. XD
[_] going to repost this in your journal so that i will return the favor
frostyw for this travesty.It's OK to note me instead of replying.
WOULD YOU.....
[_] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[_] lick my cheek?
[_] miss me if we went out then broke up?
[_] dance with me?
[_] let me make you breakfast?
[_] tap me on the a**?
[_] help me with homework?
[_] tickle me to death?
[_] let me tickle you?
[_] stick up for me if i was being put down?
[_] caress my body?
[_] play strip poker with me?
[_] say yes if i asked you out?
[_] let me wear your pants?
[_] get wasted with me? -- if wasted == drunk
[_] instant message me?
[_] greet me in public?
[_] hang out with me?
[_] bring me around your friends?
DO YOU...
[_] think im cute?
[_] think im hot?
[_] want to kiss me?
[_] want to cuddle with me?
[_] want to hook up with me?
ARE WE...
[_] acquaintances?
[_] friends?
[_] in a relationship?
[_] gonna have kids?
AM I...
[_] smart?
[_] cute?
[_] funny?
[_] cool?
[_] lovable?
[_] adorable?
[_] compassionate?
[_] annoying?
[_] great to be with?
[_] attractive?
[_] mean?
[_] odd?
HAVE YOU EVER...
[_] thought about me?
[_] thought there might be an "us"?
[_] thought about hookin' up with me?
[_] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[_] wished i were there?
[_] grabbed me?
[_] had a crush on me?
[_] idolized me?
[_] wanted my number?
[_] had a dream about me?
[_] been distracted by me?
ARE YOU...
[_] happy you know me?
[_] mad at me?
[_] thinkin' bout me? -- kinda hard not to while answering this. XD
[_] going to repost this in your journal so that i will return the favor
On Post-Con Depression (And Particularly Furfright 2012)
General | Posted 13 years agoThough we have inhaled the perfume of the sweetest flower,
That flower has now withered and softly died.
And what we all worked to create and enjoy
Has collapsed, and so we've all cried.
The gathering places look like a dead thing
Picked over and bleached in the sun
The missing jubilant voices aren't ringing
And the happiness has all been undone.
So cry because the best is over
And cry because the worst is yet ahead
But smile because you've tasted the best on offer
And smile because while hard roads lie ahead
You've been refreshed by friends and celebration
You're prepared for whatever lies ahead
You'll meet whatever challenges may be
And armed with a laugh, will strike dead.
And if in your dreams there should be a licking fire
And if in your dreams there should be a howling wind
Meet them, with a broad grin and bold laugh
For there's no next beginning without end.
That flower has now withered and softly died.
And what we all worked to create and enjoy
Has collapsed, and so we've all cried.
The gathering places look like a dead thing
Picked over and bleached in the sun
The missing jubilant voices aren't ringing
And the happiness has all been undone.
So cry because the best is over
And cry because the worst is yet ahead
But smile because you've tasted the best on offer
And smile because while hard roads lie ahead
You've been refreshed by friends and celebration
You're prepared for whatever lies ahead
You'll meet whatever challenges may be
And armed with a laugh, will strike dead.
And if in your dreams there should be a licking fire
And if in your dreams there should be a howling wind
Meet them, with a broad grin and bold laugh
For there's no next beginning without end.
On Waking, Soft and Silent
General | Posted 13 years agoSometimes I'll wake from a sleep sweetly smiling,
Breaking the shell of a dream,
Where it's been 2 AM, and on something or other
I still slave at my tasks, seated and sapped,
The blue-white glare of the computer screen
Illuminating my weary face as I labor,
And lying behind me, a man or a woman,
Well, it scarcely matters, the one or the other -
They're calling to me - "Come to bed," they implore me,
"It's late and you're tired, and anyway,
That work'll all still be there in the morning,
So seat yourself here next to me and dream away the night,"
And I slip from my seat, the site of my own weary trudge
Through something - suitably abstruse -
And I lie next to them, and they nuzzle me softly,
And there in my dream, I then fall asleep...
Waking up now, I start with a shiver,
The room has grown cold, the dream now forgotten
Lucky I am, to this night, have attained
Even four hours of sleep, a gift in itself
That I find myself lucky to have.
And deep in the back of my mind
Comes a tickle of thought, barely recognized,
Washed clean away among torrents of time and concern,
The longing, as sweet as it's sad, for that dream to be true.
Breaking the shell of a dream,
Where it's been 2 AM, and on something or other
I still slave at my tasks, seated and sapped,
The blue-white glare of the computer screen
Illuminating my weary face as I labor,
And lying behind me, a man or a woman,
Well, it scarcely matters, the one or the other -
They're calling to me - "Come to bed," they implore me,
"It's late and you're tired, and anyway,
That work'll all still be there in the morning,
So seat yourself here next to me and dream away the night,"
And I slip from my seat, the site of my own weary trudge
Through something - suitably abstruse -
And I lie next to them, and they nuzzle me softly,
And there in my dream, I then fall asleep...
Waking up now, I start with a shiver,
The room has grown cold, the dream now forgotten
Lucky I am, to this night, have attained
Even four hours of sleep, a gift in itself
That I find myself lucky to have.
And deep in the back of my mind
Comes a tickle of thought, barely recognized,
Washed clean away among torrents of time and concern,
The longing, as sweet as it's sad, for that dream to be true.
FF Meme! Hurray!
General | Posted 13 years agoSo. I'm going to FF again! It'll be great!
Stolen from the lovely
kimmerz
Which hotel will you be staying at?
- The Crowne Plaza Cromwell. My own room again this time :D
When will you be arriving/departuring?
I. Um. Not sure yet!
Arriving probably Thursday evening.
Leaving Monday at some point. Yay for fall break this time!
Who are you rooming/traveling with?
Rooming with
luckychance02 kimmerz 
xiris and 
fullnekoalchemist
Is this your first time there?
Second.
Are you shy?
A little bit. I tend to warm up to people reasonably quickly, though!
Will you be fursuiting?
Nope, but I can't wait to wear around my new fuzzy foxy ears and tail from
bouch!
Which fursuit?
See above! D:<
If I see you, how can I get your attention?
Tap me on the shoulder and say hi, or any name I'll answer to. I count at least 5!
Mention a room party with people I like!
Offer food or drinks. :3
Can I hug you?
If you're clean and we've met even once? Sure! (Just make sure to be clean. X3)
Can I take your picture?
Go for it! I had a great time looking through awesome photos from last year.
Can I buy you a drink?
Hell YES you can. Especially
logarth. I'm watching you. I want your beers. 8D~ PUMPKIN~
Of course, there is the trifling matter of age... meh. :D
Can I buy you breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner?
I'd be happy to accept!
Can I stalk you?
You can /try/.
Do you do commissions?
No, sorry. If you like I can try and write something for you for a trade, but I'm busy with schoolwork, my own writing, and NOT BEING ABLE TO ART.
Do you do trades?
Err... ostensibly?
What will you be doing at the con?
Panelgoing, sleeping, showering, eating, drinking, running around giggling, playing games, partying, INTP partying (less music and noise, more books, drinks comparable
digitalfox), stealing hats, exrtoversion tanking, pouncing, thinking, talking, hugging, cuddling, and just generally being an all-around godsdamned hoopy frood. :3
Stolen from the lovely
kimmerzWhich hotel will you be staying at?
- The Crowne Plaza Cromwell. My own room again this time :D
When will you be arriving/departuring?
I. Um. Not sure yet!
Arriving probably Thursday evening.
Leaving Monday at some point. Yay for fall break this time!
Who are you rooming/traveling with?
Rooming with
luckychance02 kimmerz 
xiris and 
fullnekoalchemistIs this your first time there?
Second.
Are you shy?
A little bit. I tend to warm up to people reasonably quickly, though!
Will you be fursuiting?
Nope, but I can't wait to wear around my new fuzzy foxy ears and tail from
bouch!Which fursuit?
See above! D:<
If I see you, how can I get your attention?
Tap me on the shoulder and say hi, or any name I'll answer to. I count at least 5!
Mention a room party with people I like!
Offer food or drinks. :3
Can I hug you?
If you're clean and we've met even once? Sure! (Just make sure to be clean. X3)
Can I take your picture?
Go for it! I had a great time looking through awesome photos from last year.
Can I buy you a drink?
Hell YES you can. Especially
logarth. I'm watching you. I want your beers. 8D~ PUMPKIN~Of course, there is the trifling matter of age... meh. :D
Can I buy you breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner?
I'd be happy to accept!
Can I stalk you?
You can /try/.
Do you do commissions?
No, sorry. If you like I can try and write something for you for a trade, but I'm busy with schoolwork, my own writing, and NOT BEING ABLE TO ART.
Do you do trades?
Err... ostensibly?
What will you be doing at the con?
Panelgoing, sleeping, showering, eating, drinking, running around giggling, playing games, partying, INTP partying (less music and noise, more books, drinks comparable
digitalfox), stealing hats, exrtoversion tanking, pouncing, thinking, talking, hugging, cuddling, and just generally being an all-around godsdamned hoopy frood. :3Farewell
General | Posted 13 years agoSo.
Here I stand, at the end of a journey.
In this strange and wondrous land
I have voyaged for a month and a half.
But I must return from this place;
My home calls to me from across the sea,
Plaintively, mournfully.
My friends call to me with longing;
The language of this place is a burden on my mind,
And its food, while tasty, the same.
So my departure to my home is fated;
To leave from an airport where so many hellos and goodbyes have been said;
To depart from this place, for a year or more,
At 10 on some bright summer morning.
What I have done here will last only in my mind.
The lives I have touched, will remain touched,
Much good as that will do me.
I return, like it or not, with memories of my presence here -
Foods I will miss, money I have sweated and wracked my brain to get.
But it remains that I must go.
Korea -
Farewell.
Do not cry for me long.
Here I stand, at the end of a journey.
In this strange and wondrous land
I have voyaged for a month and a half.
But I must return from this place;
My home calls to me from across the sea,
Plaintively, mournfully.
My friends call to me with longing;
The language of this place is a burden on my mind,
And its food, while tasty, the same.
So my departure to my home is fated;
To leave from an airport where so many hellos and goodbyes have been said;
To depart from this place, for a year or more,
At 10 on some bright summer morning.
What I have done here will last only in my mind.
The lives I have touched, will remain touched,
Much good as that will do me.
I return, like it or not, with memories of my presence here -
Foods I will miss, money I have sweated and wracked my brain to get.
But it remains that I must go.
Korea -
Farewell.
Do not cry for me long.
Journal Meme?
General | Posted 13 years agoWhy not?!
LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Newfur
- Eye Color: Brown, with a limbal ring.
- Hair Style/Color: Brown/black.
- Height: 5'10''
- Clothing style: Some kind of t-shirt with jeans.
- Best physical feature: Um... my eyebrows? I don't think I'm really qualified to say...
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: Hurting someone I care for.
- Your guilty pleasure: Hmm. Not actually sure. I don't really have /guilty/ pleasures as such.
- Your biggest pet peeve: Assholish overconfidence.
- Your ambitions for the future: Get the hell out of this pit.
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: Already? Damn... better write my dream down.
- What you think about most: The future, near and far.
- What you think about before bed: How hard I'm trying to get to sleep, or something comforting, like the idea that I am loved, or that I'm a good person.
- You think your best quality is: Cleverness
LAYER FOUR: WHAT'S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: Single.
- To be loved or respected: Loved.
- Beauty or brains: Brains, every time.
- Dogs or cats: Both! (And all of these got ripped off from the lovely
sage)
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: Depressingly often.
- Believe in yourself: No.
- Believe in love: Sometimes.
- Want someone: More than is good for me.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: Once or twice.
- Done drugs: Yes. Only once. Rather recently.
- Changed who you were to fit in: Not very much that I can recall.
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: Blue.
- Favorite animal: Fox.
- Favorite movie: Eeerf... there are a few. Primer and Paprika, definitely.
- Favorite game: Starcraft 2.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday will be: May 18.
- How old will you be: 20.
- Age you lost your virginity: Runtime Error: NullReference Error Thrown!
- Does age matter: More than people hope, less than people fear.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality: Affectionate, caring, and smart.
- Best eye color: Gray or hazel, but why does it really matter? Really now...
- Best hair color: No preference.
- Best thing to do with a partner: Sit, quietly cuddling. Possibly talking about something important to both of you. Alternatively, cooking.
LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: Those who love me.
- I feel: Besieged.
- I hide: More than is good for me.
- I miss: A few people. They probably know who they are. Some don't.
- I wish: I knew how to stop being down on myself. Or for the Singularity. Or for people to be nicer to each other, and more sane. The good kind of sane.
Err... umm...
alteq!
LAYER ONE : THE OUTSIDE
- Name: Newfur
- Eye Color: Brown, with a limbal ring.
- Hair Style/Color: Brown/black.
- Height: 5'10''
- Clothing style: Some kind of t-shirt with jeans.
- Best physical feature: Um... my eyebrows? I don't think I'm really qualified to say...
LAYER TWO: THE INSIDE
- Your fears: Hurting someone I care for.
- Your guilty pleasure: Hmm. Not actually sure. I don't really have /guilty/ pleasures as such.
- Your biggest pet peeve: Assholish overconfidence.
- Your ambitions for the future: Get the hell out of this pit.
LAYER THREE: THOUGHTS
- Your first thoughts waking up: Already? Damn... better write my dream down.
- What you think about most: The future, near and far.
- What you think about before bed: How hard I'm trying to get to sleep, or something comforting, like the idea that I am loved, or that I'm a good person.
- You think your best quality is: Cleverness
LAYER FOUR: WHAT'S BETTER?
- Single or group dates: Single.
- To be loved or respected: Loved.
- Beauty or brains: Brains, every time.
- Dogs or cats: Both! (And all of these got ripped off from the lovely
sage)LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
- Lie: Depressingly often.
- Believe in yourself: No.
- Believe in love: Sometimes.
- Want someone: More than is good for me.
LAYER SIX: EVER?
- Been on stage: Once or twice.
- Done drugs: Yes. Only once. Rather recently.
- Changed who you were to fit in: Not very much that I can recall.
LAYER SEVEN: FAVORITES
- Favorite color: Blue.
- Favorite animal: Fox.
- Favorite movie: Eeerf... there are a few. Primer and Paprika, definitely.
- Favorite game: Starcraft 2.
LAYER EIGHT: AGE
- Day your next birthday will be: May 18.
- How old will you be: 20.
- Age you lost your virginity: Runtime Error: NullReference Error Thrown!
- Does age matter: More than people hope, less than people fear.
LAYER NINE: IN A BOY OR GIRL
- Best personality: Affectionate, caring, and smart.
- Best eye color: Gray or hazel, but why does it really matter? Really now...
- Best hair color: No preference.
- Best thing to do with a partner: Sit, quietly cuddling. Possibly talking about something important to both of you. Alternatively, cooking.
LAYER TEN: FINISH THE SENTENCE
- I love: Those who love me.
- I feel: Besieged.
- I hide: More than is good for me.
- I miss: A few people. They probably know who they are. Some don't.
- I wish: I knew how to stop being down on myself. Or for the Singularity. Or for people to be nicer to each other, and more sane. The good kind of sane.
Err... umm...
alteq!Still
General | Posted 13 years agoI still miss you sometimes.
I miss the way we were;
I miss having someone so close to me with whom I could share my hopes and my fears;
I miss staying up late nights having someone to spur me on,
Or to share dreams with the next day.
I miss being able to tell you the things I know you'd love -
My exploits as an assassin, the glassware I just bought.
I miss your voice, your laugh, your face,
Your manner of speaking, your sureness, and sometimes, other parts...
Most of all I miss just having you dependably there.
So pour out a drink for the people we were, once upon a time, and six months ago,
In a land faraway, right in our houses.
Nothing too fancy - just a cola, or a lemonade,
For I'll be there, elsewhere, too, glass of something suitably strange in hand -
Elderflower or something Korean, perhaps -
Doing the same, remembering what we had, and what we lost,
Quietly moistening the ground.
But the point still stands -
No matter where I search, or who I'm with,
No matter how close I ever get to anyone else,
I'll never have with them what I had with you.
Thank the gods for that.
I miss the way we were;
I miss having someone so close to me with whom I could share my hopes and my fears;
I miss staying up late nights having someone to spur me on,
Or to share dreams with the next day.
I miss being able to tell you the things I know you'd love -
My exploits as an assassin, the glassware I just bought.
I miss your voice, your laugh, your face,
Your manner of speaking, your sureness, and sometimes, other parts...
Most of all I miss just having you dependably there.
So pour out a drink for the people we were, once upon a time, and six months ago,
In a land faraway, right in our houses.
Nothing too fancy - just a cola, or a lemonade,
For I'll be there, elsewhere, too, glass of something suitably strange in hand -
Elderflower or something Korean, perhaps -
Doing the same, remembering what we had, and what we lost,
Quietly moistening the ground.
But the point still stands -
No matter where I search, or who I'm with,
No matter how close I ever get to anyone else,
I'll never have with them what I had with you.
Thank the gods for that.
A bottle of wine, a book, and thee...
General | Posted 13 years agoThere are those lucky few days when things suck, and I am haunted by my past, but I can fight. I have the weapons to, and they were given to me by my dearest of friends. Sometimes it's all I can do to get to sleep without painful memories bubbling up from my unconscious mind to just cling tightly to a good memory or a good feeling: the memory of a stolen nap at a furcon with a dear friend, reflections on a series of deep chats with another dear friend, or the idea that people care about me and would miss me if I were gone. Just the knowledge that someone, somewhere cares is enough to make me cry with excruciating sweetness. If all I received were a letter half a page long from one of you at random every three months, it might just still be enough, for I am a mathematician by nature, and existence proofs are my pride and joy. So let me say this, to a pair of corsacs, a lynx, a snow leopard, a red wolf, and a highly mutable otter: you mean more to me than you can know or imagine. Thank you.
Get out of my head, Randall!
General | Posted 13 years agoFriday's xkcd was scarily spot-on for me. Not going to say why in public. Suffice it to say that the person who was, isn't, and my grief for their deaths(?) is drawing to a tiresome end.
Birthday Presents Another Veritas Might Have Received
General | Posted 13 years agoA box of sleep, 40 hr, from my sister.
A vial of kingly bearing, from my grandfather.
A pinch of royal restraint, from my grandmother.
A few tablets of idealism, from my friend since childhood.
A pressurized inhaler of raw intelligence, from someone I met online.
A small blue glass tube of good luck, from a friendly otter.
A blanket infused with goodwill, a combined gift from my other grandmother and a friendly red wolf.
An ancient tome of now mostly useless magic, from my other grandfather.
A sniper's railgun, from my uncle.
A tube of charisma and deception, from my aunt.
A bottle of forthrightness and wisdom, from my father.
A bag of whimsy dust, from my mother.
A small silver box with a chunk of butter in it from no one in particular.
A bottle of love and of knowing that I am not alone, a pooled gift from all those that care about me, pale blue.
Some other Veritas, some other self will get them.
A vial of kingly bearing, from my grandfather.
A pinch of royal restraint, from my grandmother.
A few tablets of idealism, from my friend since childhood.
A pressurized inhaler of raw intelligence, from someone I met online.
A small blue glass tube of good luck, from a friendly otter.
A blanket infused with goodwill, a combined gift from my other grandmother and a friendly red wolf.
An ancient tome of now mostly useless magic, from my other grandfather.
A sniper's railgun, from my uncle.
A tube of charisma and deception, from my aunt.
A bottle of forthrightness and wisdom, from my father.
A bag of whimsy dust, from my mother.
A small silver box with a chunk of butter in it from no one in particular.
A bottle of love and of knowing that I am not alone, a pooled gift from all those that care about me, pale blue.
Some other Veritas, some other self will get them.
On Insincere Apologies
General | Posted 13 years agoThe man who was once my friend came to me the other day,
And he said to me,
"Why have you done this to me? I only seek to assuage your hurt."
He was well aware that this was not the case,
Having shut his windows,
Locked his doors,
Burnt the letters I sent him,
And screened his calls.
We passed each other in the market, and he hurt me and slandered me,
And now he appears at my front doorstep,
Claiming to have tried to assuage my hurt.
He said not a single word to me for three months,
And now he appears at my front doorstep,
Claiming to assuage my hurt.
What then do I do to such a one,
To someone who has the name of one who was once a friend
To someone who has the face of one who was once a friend
To someone who everyone else thinks was once a friend
But who is so clearly radically changed, turned so hostile, that it would be better if he was dead?
At least then I could reflect on memories of glorious days past,
Days spent hand in hand laying in the warm sunshine,
Padding softly through the rain.
But instead I deal with this ugly thing,
This manipulative monstrosity,
Who breaks his promises and slanders me in public,
Then tries to act as if he were my friend.
I refuse.
These insincere apologies are not for me.
Come back another day, I said, when you will be ready to embrace me as the friend you once did.
Change for me as I changed for you, and maybe the ground between us will no longer be so much scorched earth.
And he said to me,
"Why have you done this to me? I only seek to assuage your hurt."
He was well aware that this was not the case,
Having shut his windows,
Locked his doors,
Burnt the letters I sent him,
And screened his calls.
We passed each other in the market, and he hurt me and slandered me,
And now he appears at my front doorstep,
Claiming to have tried to assuage my hurt.
He said not a single word to me for three months,
And now he appears at my front doorstep,
Claiming to assuage my hurt.
What then do I do to such a one,
To someone who has the name of one who was once a friend
To someone who has the face of one who was once a friend
To someone who everyone else thinks was once a friend
But who is so clearly radically changed, turned so hostile, that it would be better if he was dead?
At least then I could reflect on memories of glorious days past,
Days spent hand in hand laying in the warm sunshine,
Padding softly through the rain.
But instead I deal with this ugly thing,
This manipulative monstrosity,
Who breaks his promises and slanders me in public,
Then tries to act as if he were my friend.
I refuse.
These insincere apologies are not for me.
Come back another day, I said, when you will be ready to embrace me as the friend you once did.
Change for me as I changed for you, and maybe the ground between us will no longer be so much scorched earth.
End(?)
General | Posted 13 years agoI miss the way we were.
The beautiful plans we made, the things we said we'd always do, no matter what.
So much for that.
I miss the person you were, the person I knew so recently, who exists in naught but memory now.
But you and I both have left behind us
A trail of our own corpses, stretching back behind us to the horizon
And we have too diverged.
And so this is
An end.
I do not say the end because this is the end
To just
One
Thing
And from its end springs a thousand new futures, spraying out of the wound in the world
Like glowing lines in the air,
A thousand fireflies flitting,
Faster than the bullets from a thousand sniper's rifles,
My futures, and yours, perhaps, extend.
And though I miss the things that I imagined we would do,
I cannot forever dwell upon the past.
Past lower lows,
To a higher height,
I climb.
The beautiful plans we made, the things we said we'd always do, no matter what.
So much for that.
I miss the person you were, the person I knew so recently, who exists in naught but memory now.
But you and I both have left behind us
A trail of our own corpses, stretching back behind us to the horizon
And we have too diverged.
And so this is
An end.
I do not say the end because this is the end
To just
One
Thing
And from its end springs a thousand new futures, spraying out of the wound in the world
Like glowing lines in the air,
A thousand fireflies flitting,
Faster than the bullets from a thousand sniper's rifles,
My futures, and yours, perhaps, extend.
And though I miss the things that I imagined we would do,
I cannot forever dwell upon the past.
Past lower lows,
To a higher height,
I climb.
Obligatory Valentine's Day Post
General | Posted 14 years agoHello there. Please, have a seat. Anything you want? Coffee, perhaps, or tea? Maybe a hot chocolate? No? Your loss, I suppose.
By the way, you're going to die.
There will be a time in the future in which you fail to exist, and you will never exist again in any form. It will hurt more than you can imagine; don't tell me even dying of your heart and liver and lungs finally giving up won't hurt. Most likely you'll do it shockingly soon. And you will never exist again, and life will go on, without you, and you will be forgotten, just like all the other nameless corpses tossed by the wayside, rolling into the gutter.
You will die, and, what's more, you'll die soon, and no matter how many boyfriends or girlfriends you have had or have, no matter how many people you surround yourself with who love you, in varying shades of sincerity, no matter how many kind things you've done to however many people, no matter how much money or how many shiny things you have, you will die alone. Everyone does; everyone will.
Happy Die Alone Day, everyone.
By the way, you're going to die.
There will be a time in the future in which you fail to exist, and you will never exist again in any form. It will hurt more than you can imagine; don't tell me even dying of your heart and liver and lungs finally giving up won't hurt. Most likely you'll do it shockingly soon. And you will never exist again, and life will go on, without you, and you will be forgotten, just like all the other nameless corpses tossed by the wayside, rolling into the gutter.
You will die, and, what's more, you'll die soon, and no matter how many boyfriends or girlfriends you have had or have, no matter how many people you surround yourself with who love you, in varying shades of sincerity, no matter how many kind things you've done to however many people, no matter how much money or how many shiny things you have, you will die alone. Everyone does; everyone will.
Happy Die Alone Day, everyone.
