The man held out to me an orange vial,
Or perhaps the fluid within was blue; I don't recall.
He told me quietly of it all,
The benefits as well of its dear trials.

He told me it would wipe from my mind the hurtful ghosts of futures that never would come to pass,
Stop them from floating through my mind and darkening my present,
Blind my heart to the bittersweet calling tug they sent,
So I could best ignore their sweet harrass.

He told me of the damage the substance would resolve,
Mend cracked heart from aorta to vena cava inferior,
Stop the leak of water to the exterior,
And many problems within me it would solve.

I thought upon the burden on my minds,
Hardware and software of many sorts braided through,
The things that the power to bind me had been given to,
And which cruelly forced many a day to uselessly unwind.

I contemplated on this abyss whose edge I was found on,
And contemplated there my course -
Take the draught, and there find some sort of recourse
And risk hurt therefrom, not to mention my misgivings I found my thoughts upon,

No matter how laudable my trusted friends and advisors thought the choice;
Or I could refuse, take the bitterer pill on my own,
Reject the easier, perhaps better path that I'd been shown,
And force myself to learn to fix this broken machine with its own voice.

Poised between two jagged imperfect alternatives I am now here,
And the price for my indecision grows ever more dear.

Oh hey something to bury the last entry with!


[ ] you meow/bark to get attention
[x] you find pets toys amusing
[ ] you get hyper by the smell of catnip
[ ] you growl/hiss when someone gets too close to your food
[x] you growl/hiss when someone you dislike is too close to you (Quietly. Mentally. Volume correlates with dislike.)
[x] you purr/shake your leg when someone shows you affection (Depends on who.)
[x] if someone tosses a ball, you chase it and bring it back (See above.)
Total: 3

[x] you love to be scratched behind the ear
[x] you love fish/meat
[ ] you like to stick your head out through the window of a moving car.
[x] you like when people pet your head
[x] people can make you stop doing stuff by hitting you on the nose with a newspaper
[ ] you think feathers are fun to play with
Total: 7

[x] you sleep a lot during daytime (my job kinda demands it lol)
[ ] you enjoy scaring birds
[ ] you lick peoples faces to show you like them
[ ] you bite people if they annoy you
[ ] you tend to steal food from your friends/family's plate when you have eaten all of yours
[ ] milk or water is your favorite drink
Total: 8

[x]you own a collar and you enjoy wearing it
[ ] you own a leash and enjoy wearing it
[x] you own animal ears/tail/paws or a fursuit
[x] you enjoy long walks in the park
[ ] you meow/bark when you see something you want
Total: 11

[x] you call your hands and feet "paws" (Sometimes.)
[x] you tilt your head when you do not understand what someone is talking about
[ ] you run to the door when someone mentions a walk
[x] you really enjoy cuddling
[x] you stretch your body and whimper a bit every morning when you wake up
[x] you can wake up and go back to sleep right away after looking around
Total: 16

[ ] you have your favorite spot besides your bed where you like to sleep
[ ] you meow or bark very often
[ ] you hide when you get scared
[x] you run to the door to see who it is every time someone comes in to the house
[ ] you like to chase flying insects and try to catch them with your bare hand
[ ] you tend to chew on stuff a lot (do pens count? lol)
[ ] you like to do tricks to get a treat
Total: 17

[ ] you own a wearable item/tag with your name on it
[x] you refer to yourself as an animal (A fine specimen of H. sap, if I do say so myself.)
[x] your username has something to do with animals (CobaltMouse, sometimes, and sometimes Newfur.)
[x] your e-mail has something to do with animals
[x] if you get a bleeding wound, you lick it to make it feel better
[x] you look for edible stuff often (nothing beats free food! :D)
Total: 22

[x] you often find yourself looking through the window for a long time
[x] you like to say hi to strangers
[x] you like to be petted when you have done something good
[ ] people think you act like a pet (I can't say.)
[ ] you growl/hiss at stuff you do not like
[ ] you like to eat grass
[x] if you get wet, you shake to get rid of the water (Sooooo satisfying.)
Total: 26

Final total: 26

Take your score and multiply it by 2

52%. Well, that was illuminating.

...for one who was once special to me. You'll read this one day. It'll be raining. Bailey will be on your lap, and you won't know why, but you'll be in a hell of a contemplative mood. Maybe it'll be the rain, or the cold, or something more painful. At any rate, a before and after, if you will.

Before:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8QokeCM21c

After:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1IYrUzEAQo

How do I know all this? Short answer: I don't. Longer answer: I know you still remember. To ask me why I know would be pointless.

Well, it's been two months to the day now. Nearly forgot. So today's a day for me now to remember things. People and pets who have died and left me. Things that were once dear to me and which I lost, through mistake, carelessness, or generosity. People who simply drifted out of my life, and people out of whose lives I've drifted. And, of course, people whose leaves taken from my life were a bit more painful and messy. And remembrance, in a sense, of the future as well, the anticipation of things that I will lose, echoes of pain I haven't yet felt, other lies that haven't been told to me (by me myself?) yet.

Contemplative remembrance day, everyone.

The glowing coals of the fire near two months now passed have burned out their last,
And I am here left with nothing more than a feeling of simple emptiness,
A hole there screaming blue murder day after day to be filled.
It nibbles at my waking hours and infuses its perfume into my dreams.

So let me then escape from this lonely cold waking life for a few hours
Into a world of dreams, a world without lasting or cloying pain,
Where nothing is permanent and where nothing need make sense,
Where the conditions of the waking world have not yet permeated.

Let me clutch to my chest a stuffed fox, a memory of what I sometimes am
And what others erstwhile were.
Let me dream peacefully for a few brief moments, and perhaps when I awake
The world will be just a little bit brighter, just a bit less painful.

Perhaps by some trick of the light or some shift of color and sound
The world when I awake will at least seem a bit brighter,
The air a tinge sweeter.
But then again such a hope has failed me so many times before.

Am I wrong to pin even a little hope on this, to let him even touch my thoughts?
Is this nothing more than the next forlorn unrequited longing in a line of too many?
Such thoughts, such considerations escape me now as my little fuzzy mind goes black,
And I spiral down into an infinite dark and quiet sea, vivid with its surreal wonders.

Free tail? Who knows!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3083652/

True strength isn't about shows of force or displays of dominance.
True strength is in stepping carelessly on a shard of a relationship never quite glimpsed, barely noticeable among the bits and pieces of other things,
In taking a moment as decompressing feelings overcome you amidst the strains of some quiet sonata, plushie hugged to throbbing chest,
And simply being, for a while;
The boiler overheats, once again, and the condensing steam painfully pushes its way out to the surface,
And drips down, in hot streams of flowing water with a hiss here and there.
True strength is in remembering yourself, remembering, be it in the midst of your greatest agony or even at 1:43 PM some busy Tuesday afternoon, that there is so much to continue for,
In pulling out of your bleeding footpaw the shard of glistening reddened memory and hurt and patching up the wound so you can continue just a little bit longer, just a little bit longer.
Just a little bit longer is all I need.

Hey everyone! You should check out Anthroview #1 and Tales of the Neon Phoenix #0 at FC! I'm unfortunately not going, but if you are, I hear that  summercat and  tsukikitsunetanuki will both have them at their tables for the excellent price of 5 dollars! Of course, my wonderful pimping out of these magazines has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the first installment of my fiction piece, The Tale of the Paravide, will be in Anthroview... yes... >_>
At any rate, as an added incentive, note me for a special phrase to tell  summercat for a 1 dollar reduction in price. It'll be funny and odd.

Here's the link: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3065075/

Until next time,
Newfur Veritas


EDIT: Discount may not apply. Summercat needs to get a quote on how much the printing will cost.

The storm has passed, I said to myself, unsure of whether it truly had.
It doesn't matter. Something is different now. Something has changed. The air is sweeter.
If the fox chooses to stay dead, he so chooses.
If the fox chooses to be alive again, he so chooses.

The crashing thunder and brilliantly striking lightning I have finally collared in myself,
And I have swallowed the rain.
And the rainwater I've gained replaces the saltwater I've lost
Drawn out by a thousand pinpricks, stabs, and slashes, not all of them from others.

And for the loss of salt I am lighter now, and freed of my salty burden I float,
Dust and dirt and debris sliding off me as if it were a dream,
Pain and other lies held at bay, driven away for longer than I can reasonably expect, time well bought.
And the Schroedinger's box fox box opens, and there's nothing but a lump of butter inside, an extended simile made flesh made gift.

The last burdens I can part with are parted with, for now,
Chains of black iron rattling and loosing themselves from around a sore furry ankle,
Their solidity now cast away as if in a dream

And the rain lightens up to a pleasant drizzle

And I leave this ground, too, behind, watching the paths beneath dwindle, watching a determined blinded fox on his way to who cares where

And I look above me, muzzle upturned, spotted with rain

And I grasp...

Well, might as well do this, taken from ::summercat::.

(x) stayed single for the whole year (Ish?)
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else's heart (Ish.)
( ) had a stalker
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) had a good relationship with someone (If only.)
(x) have a relationship with someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
(x) lost faith in love (Just a little.)
( ) kissed under a mistletoe


SCHOOL

(x) took an honours/advanced class
( ) broke the dress code
( ) got straight A's (Princeton grading is terrible x_x)
(x) met one teacher you really like
( ) met one teacher you really hated
( ) failed a class
(x) skipped school
(x) did something you were proud of
(x) discovered a new talent
(x) proved yourself an idiot
(x) embarrassed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) intentionally tripped someone at school
( ) made a varsity team
( ) were involved in something you'll never forget

OTHER

( ) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem (Oh did I ever.)
( ) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
( ) posted a blog
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
( ) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
(x) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you (Oh gods did I ever.)

In 2011 I...

( ) broke a promise
(x) lied
(x) went behind your parents back (All the flipping time, and they deserved it.)
(x) cried over a broken heart (Holy shit.)
(x) disappointed someone close (See above.)
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy (This is getting terrible.)
( ) slept under the stars
( ) kept your new years resolution
(x) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life (Quite a lot of these are related. ;~;)
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
( ) pretended to be sick
(x) left the country
(x) almost died (Nut allergies are FUN!)
(x) given up something important to you (My dear...)
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it (Kissing... was someone else though. Enjoyable all the same ;3)
(x) made a change in your life (Oh HELL yes. So many things changed...)
( ) found out who your true friends were (Not so much found out as reconfirmed, for the most part)
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up 'till sunrise (Far too many times, for varying reasons.)
( ) cried over the silliest thing
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
(x) had someone close to you die (Silly of me but this is how I think of him now. He might be alive again someday, but I'm not getting my hopes up.)
( ) had a high cell phone bill
( ) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
( ) went to the beach with your best friend
( ) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick (Far too many times for far too many reasons.)
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time (Well of course. Oh, wait... /that/ kind of like... X3)
(x) became closer with a lot of people

Definitely a year of growth. Might as well get that second depressing poem off my front page...

At any rate, health, wealth, knowledge, growth, and good fortune in the New Year, everyfur. Especially for a dead fox and his dear kitten in Vancouver.

Sprinkle my thoughts, dear, with the unmemories of a hundred joyous lazy days
Days neither gone by nor to come, but that never were,
Pulled from me (or us?) by the vagaries of fate, distance, and time.

I see things that never were and never will be,
Conversations that never will be had,
Compliments that will never have been exchanged.
The pain of losing what I never had is the strangest and deepest pain of all,
But even a lost future can hardly compare to a lost past,
Reinterpretation of what was crashing down upon what had been.

I spend too much time thinking on what was and what could have been,
Finding myself idly poking through your leavings like some electronic archaeologist,
Wondering where all went wrong.

Perhaps in math it'd be more clear -
Let x(t) be your love for me,
y(t) my love for you,
A parametric function of which I at least know
The limiting behavior as t gets big
Must always descend whimpering into the origin.

Because just as the opposite of fun is boredom,
The opposite of love is indifference,
And it is into this entropic mess
That my feelings for you have drifted
As you push yourself further and further away.

It isn't that you left me, fox, but rather that you've walled yourself off from me,
High marble and impenetrable steel, or perhaps titanium and concrete.
It hardly matters. All I say flies unheard and unfelt anyway,
Arrows tipped not with iron but with ink.

You've got better things to do, better people to be with.
As yet I don't, but that'll change with time and patience,
And when it does, perhaps I will have forgotten you, mysterious callous fox from across the border,
Wretched days having turned to painful weeks turning to months that aren't as numb as I had secretly hoped.

And perhaps one day our paths will cross again, but until then you are dead and silent to me,
A frozen gray statue in stone, back turned, ears flattened.

And I know that to some extent I did this to myself, though your share is the greater,
But that doesn't, can't stop me from wanting what I had.

Even if the keep that is my life must someday crumble to dust,
And even though every life must have some pain,
Why is it so much to ask that I sit not on a throne of stone but one of fur?,
Among those I trusted and loved instead of cold and alone?

All things must end.
Even the most horrific torture
Or the most enthralling pleasure
Will, with time, fall away.

Nothing lasts.
Not the trees, not the sky,
Nor the rivers, nor the earth.
Everything meets its end.

If these things, solid, enduring,
Will one day crumble to dust and ash,
If even the mightiest things that we can build and can see
Will finally die in thermal noise;

What right have we to expect
That the tendrils that connect us,
So fragile, so tenuous,
Can possibly last forever?

I had my fun. I had my time.
My eyes were veiled,
My ears muffled,
And my heart flew, far and fast.

Everything changes. Everything evolves.
An end is not an end, but a new beginning.
With him I felt safe, but safety is not all;
With him I was happy, but happiness endures not.

As Earth is the cradle of mankind,
So he was the cradle of my first love,
Weak, mild, and barely hungry
Though that love was.

But like that soft, nurturing cradle,
Neither can I stay in the first bed of my love.
He has other plans, other, better fits
And I cannot hold on forever.

All life worth living is letting go.
I hold in my heart and in my mind
The happiness of others tied to my own.
All we can do is toss into the void and hope that someone has tossed to us.

He was the mattress which cushioned my falls,
A teacher, and guide, a sometime student,
A lover, now and then, a worthy opponent, with whom to match my wits,
And most of all, a friend.

What then can I say,
When the bed has grown cold,
The classroom quiet, the games hall dark,
And the call of a friend gone?

This I say,
That I must move on.
That I am no longer wanted here.
That I must seek again, with weary heart, minced dreams, and empty bed.

And in this rejection I reject back,
But I know, and know he knows, it's naught but sour grapes,
But I must keep up my final stiffened poise,
A statue, in his mind, against the weathers of time.

In the end it wasn't enough.
The game misplayed and lost,
The odds rigged from the start.
And a cold final farewell muttered.

Now where there was something, there is not;
Where there was companionship, loneliness;
Where there was love, indifference;
Where there was the hint of possession, there is loss.

We held and loved a while, in the time that I had
But it simply wasn't enough.
Like the storied spoonful of honey, I wanted the whole pot,
But the jar slipped away, far beyond my reach.

His bushy tail still waves before me, teasingly just out of reach;
His path, his alone to walk, too straight, too fast
For this wounded lonely fox to keep,
And so it goes.

Stuck on other ends of the land,
We reached out and clasped hands,
Danced in a dozen worlds, gods walking among men
Laughing and doing what we chose.

You were me,
Reflected, in a mirror, darkly,
Your alluring symmetry trapped forever
Beyond the mirror's surface.

I was you,
Reflected, in a mirror, darkly,
My alluring symmetry falling ignored,
The lamps burning low and growing dark.

And so it goes.
I thought you were for me,
But evidently
In the end we couldn't be.

The Audience always wins.
Try as you might, you can't outsmart something
Beyond your reach or ken.
And so this is the end.

So take your final curtain call, with joined paws,
Refusing to bow to cruel fate,
A long black feather in my paw,
A cold silver box in yours;

And remember that the sweetest butter ever churned,
Never was. I churned it for you.
And though someday might bring with it a sequel,
For now, EXEUNT

Hahaha! It was amazing! I massively enjoyed meeting all sorts of furs, rooming with the awesome Riloh, Dex_the_Wolf, Legion Pendragon, Kimmerz, Crumb, and Skunkie, falling asleep three times (!) on Plushie's lovely fursuit, and taking third in the Blackjack tournament. I even had a first kiss. Here's looking forward to the next furcon, joy that everything went well, and longing for the irreplaceable and inimitable Furfright.

So I'm still working on the fic. The link's still available on the front page.
Despite my near-total lack of artistic talent, I'm going to attempt a drawing of Richard and then Theo. For those not fully aware, they are the two parts of my fursona: Richard's a red fox, and Theo's a mouse. Wish me luck! The results of all three things will be up within 2 weeks.

-CobaltMouse (Newfur)