Life is fucking wild sometimes. You make plans to try to better yourself and then something hits you like a freight train that came off the rails and zeroed in on your house.

So when I had made my last post, things were alright. I was looking for work and was going to try to do commissions and such to try to start making a living off of that. I was in vocational rehab to try to see if I could find something that I could handle and we were making some progress and I was applying to jobs, even if I was being turned down, it was something. I was active in a few groups on VRChat role playing every week in the evenings and my chronic burnout and depression seemed to be lifting. I was looking forward to a vacation with my dad in the near future and it seemed like if things continued I'd have my own place by next year. Then March came along and my entire life got turned upside-down. My dad, who I've been living with for 7 years now while I've been trying to find a way to make a living, got diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. One night he just suddenly got really sick and we had to take him to a clinic who just kind of waved it off. We went to his primary doctor and when they did blood work they told him to go to the ER immediately. After long day we had learned of the tumor which had spread to his liver.

The story doesn't end there. He's been on chemotherapy since then and his tumor has actually shrunk, but the past several months have been hell. Between chemo side-effects and my overly-belittling grandma not wanting to leave us alone, my dad was in and out of the hospital constantly with infections and nearly died a couple of times from sepsis due to being immunocompromized. When all this started I had to put a stop to everything I was doing. I wanted to be there for him and I couldn't be out of the house all the time if I was going to be around him. Today he's doing okay. He's still on chemotherapy, we're not having constant ER visits, and my grandma isn't here constantly anymore, but some days it's still hard. I could go on all day about how awful it's been dealing with my grandma, but I don't feel like this is the time or place for it. I'm just glad my dad's still here.

This constant stress has made it very difficult for me to handle a lot of things and lately I've been having a few horrible mental spirals that made me start having suicidal thoughts. I actively go to therapy though and my friends have been extremely helpful and I don't know where I'd be without them. I've also had to completely remove myself from looking at any real-world news as the current state of things only make my spirals worse. I've deleted a lot of accounts and will soon actually delete my bluesky to remove myself from social media entirely. I don't get a whole lot out of social media anyway.

Honestly this year has just been teaching me I want to just live my life. I don't feel like I belong in this world where someone can just decide to utterly destroy you and where trying to just live makes people want you dead. If my dad wasn't here, I'd probably jump at a chance to throw everything away and live as my fursona. Sometimes I want to just start actually being a traveling bard like I envision my fursona to be and live out of an RV or something. I would go places on foot, but we don't have the infrastructure for that. I've become so tired of this world. I'm sick of generative AI. The injustice of everything has been making me wish someone in power was dead for the first time in my life. I feel helpless most of the time and stuck. I can't leave, but I don't think I want to either with my dad the way he is. I need to be there for him. I also don't want to hurt my friends.

It's been frustrating having creative energy, but not having the motivation or other energy required to work on personal projects. There's some cool stuff I'd love to work on, but I just don't have the will power. I've also gotten to a point where I don't think I could handle a normal job even if I tried. Commissions honestly also feel extremely intimidating. Once things have settled down and my dad is off chemotherapy, I don't know if I'll have the will power to try to jump back into doing things to try to make a living.

Honestly the things I see myself doing is getting an instrument and playing music on the street to support myself. Something else I see myself doing is saying "fuck trying to put up the image of being 'normal'" and wearing my collar in public and buying a big comfy sweater poncho or whatever other clothes I want. I'm so fucking tired, man.

I guess the main thing to take away from this is my life is really rough right now and I'm moving off of social media and will probably start posting here exclusively.

Hey, it's been a long time since I've really done anything on FA other than favorite stuff. I've honestly been trying to recover ever since I got almost permanently burnt out on doing anything creative. I'm trying to turn that around, and going to therapy for several years has been helping. I'm still going as well, since mental health is a continuous battle for me. First I want to address the latest update to the website.

I'm really happy with the new blacklist update. I can finally hide things without using a browser plugin. It also lets me see what's been blacklisted now, so now I know how much is being hidden and why. (If you hover over a blurred image, it'll tell you why it was blocked!) This was probably the main issue I had with FA anymore beyond content people were uploading. As for the TOS and Upload Policy, I'm not really in any sort of position or even remotely qualified to give much of an opinion beyond the fact I'm glad they're trying really hard to address the issue of gross underage stuff without hurting people that aren't participating in that. I understand it's an extremely complex subject and I'm not part of the communities involved, so I'm just gonna leave it to them to figure it out.

On to personal stuff. Like I said, I've been dealing with chronic burnout for a while. The way my life has been the past 10 years has honestly been a little rough and I feel like I've wasted my youth just doing nothing and getting fat. Needless to say, I do not like the concept of aging beyond 25. I wouldn't feel so bad about myself if our bodies just didn't age past that. My mental health has been a huge obstacle in my life that I've been trying to navigate and I don't think I'll ever manage to get around it, but I'm still trying. I'm still living with my dad currently, but hoping this program I'm in will help me find a job I'm actually capable of doing. If not, well, I still hope to find a place to live on my own, even if it means I don't have any spending money after groceries.

I'm currently trying to work on getting back into art and other creative outlets. Hopefully I'll reach a point where I'm comfortable taking commissions and I'm more satisfied with the outcome of my art. In the mean time, I might start being a little more active here finally. It's one of the corners of the internet that still feels good.

I'm pretty much pulling the plug on all my projects and no longer taking commissions. The reason is I've recently realized I've been putting too much pressure on myself. I had stepped away from everything recently for about 3 weeks and realized I've put too much on my plate and like real life jobs I've struggled with, I can't handle the expectations and would just rather work on more personal stuff. I've also cancelled my personal projects though, so I get to start from a clean slate. This was a big decision for me as I realize there's not much for me to do in terms of income in real life and online as I just cannot keep up with the work. Honestly it feels like a weight has been lifted, though there is still the stress of disappointing everyone. As far as posting goes, I'll try to post occasionally if I make something, but otherwise things are gonna be quiet again.

Not much else I have to say on that. Newer stuff will be posted in the gallery as usual as I make it

I signed up now so you can find me there! I'll be uploading some things to there soon.
https://beta.furrynetwork.com/chimerabyte/

I still can't make up my mind, but recently I've been wanting to fill this aesthetic niche of mine, and I'm thinking the kl'erin made by tokushi in second life might be the best fit. So I'm gonna try it. Bleh. I hate announcing my fursona and then changing it like three days later.

While I'm currently in a deep funk of depression, I have been having an idea. Maybe I should start selling characters and adoptables. I do like to make characters a lot and that sounds a bit up my alley. Any input would be nice.
Also I'm thinking about selling unused characters. I have a couple I can think of off the top of my head.

Well, long story short, aside from personal things that happened today, my only headset broke, so now I'm using a webcam mic and TV speakers x.x I have my eyes on a more expensive headset that looks like it would last longer than 6 months, which I must add is how long my previous two headsets lasted. If anyone would like to donate to that, it would be greatly appreciated. I am also open for commissions at the moment if you'd rather not donate. I'll wait until someone expresses interest before posting any paypal info. In the mean time I'm going to save up with opinion outpost. >.<

Today marks the 104th commemoration of the Titanic's sinking. If you are interested, there's a new real time video of the Titanic sinking and it's quite haunting and comes from guys that are developing a game around it and trying to be as accurate as possible. The animation isn't the final product as it's still going to be a couple of years before it gets finished.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs9w5bgtJC8

My dad was nice enough to decide I shouldn't bother with the computer money I owed him. Aaaaaaah!
So no more debt!

I've just finished my long list of commissions. To tell you guys the truth, I'm probably not going to be taking that many at once ever again. x3; That took since like February? I know that's faster than some artists, but it was a lot of work for me. I might as well have called them iron artist commissions. Anyway, I'm going to be closed for commissions for a while but in the mean time you can probably expect some personal art.

Good grief it's messing with me. The text is so much smaller. I thought I had done something to the zoom of my browser at first. @-@

All I needed was to look at some amazing art to get inspiration again. Those creative juices are really flowing now! I got like 3 characters I want to make/finish now and I'm going to first put this energy to use on the commissions I owe several people. Wooo!

I'm sorry if you're waiting on a commission from me, but I just haven't had the energy to work on commissions lately. It might just be the amount being daunting to me since I've never really had more than one commission at a time. I have little excuse for this. I'll be back working on this stuff whenever I can, just don't expect much any time soon.

I kind of want to make an RPG based on my planet. RPG maker would be the best bet for that. It's also honestly part of the inspiration for why I made all the stuff in the first place. I've been figuring out a little bit how to make SNES music, too, which is what I would probably use for the music in the game. Blah. I'm just kind of rambling.

Windows decided out of the blue to force me to use their program for viewing pictures instead of irfanview, no matter how many times I try to set the file association. I've tried all I can think of but nothing is working. I can't even install the 64 bit version because windows thinks the installation file is dangerous for some reason, yet it has no problem with the 32 bit version. omfg. I've contacted the people who run the program about it just now so I'm waiting for a response from them.
In other news, I'm finally contacting people about their free commissions from the giveaway I did about a month ago, so progress has been going on, but this issue is definitely going to cause delays.

I've been really sucked into a personal project that's basically taken over my life at this point and I can't pull my attention away from it long enough to start on the commissions. I promise I will start on those free commissions eventually, but I don't know when. Right now please be patient with me. This project is the biggest one I've ever worked on my whole life. Here's a bit of a preview.
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18992230/
Forgive me for letting a personal project get in the way of other things. It's not a professional thing to do at all.
I'm really excited to work on this personal project though and I don't really want to release too many details on here just yet. I might wait until it's done to post the stuff.

I'll be closing the list later today since nobody else seems interested.
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7293524/

I managed to snag an old laptop tablet off of another artist for like $200 since they upgraded, so soon I'll finally be able to draw and be able to see what I'm doing!
I'm really excited about it. It should also hold until I have enough money to buy a new one from wacom or something.

I'm going to be using those free commissions I'm giving out as good practice on it. Aaahh! I can't wait!

**Update**
I'm going to go ahead and close these slots now. Anyone already on the list is welcome to take the remaining slots, but I'll get around to contacting everyone soon on what they want.

---

**original**
WHAAAAAAAT??? Yes! I'm doing free commissions! Any commission type! I'll even consider commission types that I don't offer unless they're physical media.
Why am I doing this? Because I can! ...and I need the practice.
So what are the rules? One slot per person and most of my standard commission rules apply. That's pretty much it. I'm doing 20 slots! And since this is free, please be aware that I might not do them as fast as I normally would and quality may vary a little. Please also be respectful. This will be a first come first serve deal when it comes to slot positions and the order I do them in may or may not vary. We'll just see.
Once all the slots are filled, I will begin work.

1. Nakuto

2. Dougles

3. Greg7k

4. Zizchelle

5.  Furtive

6. Dalton

7.  itsgrey

8.  Sadespeon

9.  pandalover1

10. Mocha

11. Patches

12.  Banzai-Jinto

13. Niru

14.  ZacJackleReala

15. Ashur

16. ?

17. ?

18. ?

19. ?

20. ?

It was coming for a long time now. Last year my dad came out as gay and ever since, my parents were deciding whether or not to separate. Well, they did. Past two days were spent loading and unloading a moving truck. I am so tired that I might sleep all day tomorrow. lol

My mom is pretty upset over it. I can't really talk about it without her breaking into tears. My parents still are close, but it's healthier for them, I guess. It took them months to decide on this.
Bleh. I really hope I don't have to go through something like this again. I also don't want to take anything super heavy when I move out. x.x Try carrying a couch up a flight of stairs. We didn't because we really couldn't. We did it with the matching chair, though, and we barely made it.

Now I'm just sitting here living with my mom, still trying to get a source of income.

I unfortunately didn't get a tablet for christmas. At least the one I have is pretty good. I just gotta save up my money for a new one. Probably won't get anymore money until my birthday though so that's a long wait, still.

I'm waiting to see if I get a new drawing tablet for christmas. Whether or not I do will not affect when drawing starts back up. I should resume right after christmas.

It's my stress. It's not my medicine. The reason I was feeling more awake was because I was off my medicine, yes, but only because of the drowsiness side effect, that and it was the weekend. Well, now it's Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I'm not feeling so great again. Maybe worse. My blood pressure makes me feel like I'm running on nothing but Adrenalin and my desire to nap has not gone away. Really, this was a bad idea for my health in general and kind of a stupid decision. I'm going back on my meds tomorrow.

So the exact stress right now that is making me want to die and nap is all these chores. My parents are making me do chores every day and I kind of feel like I'm being treated like a maid. And because I have autism, any work that I'm forced to do such as a job at a grocery store or these chores feels a million times more demanding, especially when I can't talk to my parents directly about it without them telling me that I'm just being lazy and it's not fair to them. I want to make this clear that I am only a little lazy, but not lazy to the point where I refuse to do work. I have work that I want to do such as figure out a new name for my fursona and draw commissions for people. Now I can understand that since I don't have income and such that they want me to contribute to the household in some way, but doing most of the house chores on my own is over doing it, especially when I can't even function on my own without going to my skype friends list for guidance on whether or not I should bug the maintenance workers at my old apartment about fixing the air-conditioning when it hasn't been fixed in three days during the hottest time of the year and I'm overheating.

The thing is, my parents seem to have no comprehension on the matter that I cannot do the things normal people can do. I cannot do chores on a daily basis. Doing all these chores since the middle of the summer has been wearing me down and my body is trying to force itself to permanently shut down to avoid the forced obligations that I can't talk to them about.

It took me over 2 years of being yelled at for them to finally realize I might actually have something wrong with me, but yet they think they can get me to be a "normal" person and make me get a job. Fuck jobs. The only two jobs I had were horrible. I had the easiest job in the world as a produce clerk and I wanted to die. I can't work. The store knows I can't work either which is why they stopped giving me hours.

I don't know anything else to say without repeating myself, really.
tl;dr my meds are helpful and chores are evil.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18216172/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18216172/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18216172/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18216172/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18216172/

This person is selling really cute things!
They have a tier system for it, too!

I'm spreading the word because of their current situation which is super duper bad right now. I can't afford anything, so this is the best I can do.