today has been a long day. i didnt get to work when i wanted to, and things just generally dont seem like theyre going very well for me. on the upside, im not really feeling so angry anymore, i dunno i think im getting over it a bit. had a few setbacks on my plans to stop drinking, which is hard, but at least im not smoking pot anymore. i guess im just feeling depressed more than anything else, kind of beginning to accept my situation, but still feeling the lost opportunities and not really knowing where i want to go in life. i read a motivational poster today, it was titled "passion" and it said something like "there will be lots of things you want, but only a few that will capture your heart". i feel like i need some means of self expression, but im a little afraid of being judged, and i dont really even know if i want to be a furry artist anyways. i mean i never really look through any of the pictures here, never really have, ever. lots of them are very interesting tho, and i do identify with much of the furry community. so i guess this is a time to delve into what exactly i think furry is.

as a kid i spent a lot of time watching tv, and i really hated my life. i hated going to school, hated the routine, and just wanted to get away. so i watched tv and cartoons and all that, and i thought that i really wanted to live *there*, y'kno, inside the tv where everything seemed so perfect. and its movies like the lion king that i guess really inspired that, because the characters had purpose, they seemed happy, and i remember thinking i wish i could just die and go to a place like that. what brought me to this website? well it was that dota dansen flash video. i saw it on youtube and i remembered that whole thing as a kid, went to the forums and just kinda talked with people here. heh, there are so many times when i thought to myself "what am i doing here? these people are nuts!" but whatever, they probably all had similar experiences as me so i thought "oh what the heck, i'll stay". so to me, furry is nothing more than a memory, trying to relive the past, still trying to get something you can never really have. because all you have is one life, and you cant just trade it in for something better. but then again, i feel compelled to be an artist, and i guess furry is as good a way to go as any. i mean, im never going to be a great artist, cant really see myself being a picasso or anything, so may as well just do what i can and enjoy it.

so back to the depression thing, yea im pretty depressed at the moment. ive been lashing out at my dad all day, just having an attitude with him for no reason. ive got the feeling that its me against the world, and as much as i dont want to feel this way, its very hard to deal with. i know theres opportunities out there, but im finding it hard to pursue them at the moment. if you are at all interested in me or what i think, well dont judge me just yet. im a /drug/ /addict/, hellooooooo. trying to get off the weed and booze and sober up, and its not easy! so thats a part of the depression thing. my motivation is just not there at the moment. ive been doing drugs on and off for a long time (mostly on, but i know what its like to go up and down). i know i'll come back to my senses, get my motivation back, but it takes time. there really isnt any rushing it, it just cant go as fast as i would like. i can exert myself in the meantime, and at least make something of this sobering-up time, but its gonna be slow-going the next week or two, or month, i dont know exactly, but its in that ballpark. and thats ok, because the key to getting over drug addiction is pretty simple: keeping your time occupied so you cant even think about it. i mean it can be done, i know i can do it.

so i didnt make it into work on time today, and that made me upset. all my life, theres been things i want to do, but i have this feeling that i just cant do it. i can beat that feeling of thinking i cant do it, i guess just by telling myself over and over i can. its like the old saying "fake it till you make it". and also im depressed about lots of opportunities ive missed in my life, depressed about all the bridges ive burned and depressed about feeling like i have no direction. im starting to establish direction, tho, i know that at least. i have ideas about how i can "step my game up" at the accounting firm i work at. my boss has had be doing telemarketing for a while, but he's also been talking about another area of accounting he wants to work on. so im going to talk to him about that on monday, get into it, understand the business and try to come up with new marketing strategies to find the right kind of customers. i mean this is something i know i can do. i have all the right people around me to help me out with it. my dad is a cpa, and hes real smart in business, and i know he can help me come up with good ideas. plus, i can come up with some good ideas myself, and theres also my boss. now he's been looking to /me/ for leadership, so i dont expect many ideas from him, i just want to live up to the position he gave me.

and theres further things that depress me. its going to be a LONG time before i can graduate college with the degree i want and get the kind of job ive been seeking. and im going to have also a lot of spare time (in addition to study time) that i want to fill up in one way or another. it just seems like i dont enjoy anything anymore. i dont even like the stupid video games i play (counterstrike: source mainly), and come to think of it, thats really the only hobby ive ever had. what to do with my time, thats whats bugging me. i mean i just dont know. if i had all the money in the world, i dont even know what i'd do with myself. honestly, i'd probably just spend it on drugs and get high all the time. or waste it in one way or another. i have no vision anymore. all of my dreams have been broken to pieces, never to return. its like i just got stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a place where i know no one, and i have no idea what to do next. i mean sure theres things i want to do, like getting a degree and a job, but thats about it. what to do for fun? what to do to enjoy myself? i dont know. and people dont really seem to like me, they never really have. at one point, i told myself "matt, people think you're weird, and theres nothing you can do about it. they're always going to think youre weird. why? dont know, but its a fact, and thats the way things are going to be. you just have to accept your lot in life as an outcast, or at best, an annoyance."

everything that ever meant anything to me is gone, things are completely different, and i dont know what to do about it. im sure i'll feel different tomorrow, and i do have a slight sense of hope. i mean, i dont have the sense i used to of having the weight of the world on my shoulders. but i still have the significant weight of my own personal distress upon me and i just want to find some way to relieve it. i've been told that im too angry, and honestly, i think thats pretty much true. and ive also been told that i think too highly of myself, that i think i have a right to things i really dont, and thats probably true as well. on the way home from work today, i was driving, and i thought "wow, people are assholes. and theres nothing i can do about it. i'm just going to accept it, and just not be angry. im just going to see myself as a person who gets dumped on." and surprisingly, that actually worked. i was not angry on the way home today because of that decision. sure i dont like losing the old sense of myself, but i definately do like not being so pissed. but thats a decision i cant make just once. if i want to continue with that, to continue to receive the benefit of not being angry, i guess i have to continually decide to just accept that the world is a tough place, and that im not really a significant part of it. that i kind of just have to live with people's abrasiveness. and you know what? i kind of like it better that way, its easier on me, brings me closer to reality. whatever, i'll be "just another guy", because thats true, right? im not special, never have been, "i aint no senators son" as the song goes. after writing this, i do feel a little better tho, even though im still depressed. i'd really like to open up to people more, only problem is, i dont have any friends. pretty much a loner, i guess. always have been. i spent highschool in my room on the computer, just fucking around, doing nothing. and after having said that, im starting to feel angry again... but oh well, i guess i'll just not think about it. heh, the same rule of dealing with peoples abraisiveness applies to the past as well, i dunno, maybe i did something in a past life to deserve this.. but now im just babbling.

anyways, i kind of do feel like i want to be an artist here, get a fursona, make some art, the whole nine yards. but i need a purpose to it. i need a better name, first off, something that comes from within. i need some inspiration of what to draw, which isnt likely to come from my own life, seeing as its so boring. ugh, i ought to think about this more tomorrow. its getting late, and staying up too late only makes me more depressed. but anyway, thanks for reading?

why do people write journals anyway? and how well do you think they plan them out? i couldn't tell you, this is freewriting, as far as im concerned. my brain -> paper to the best of my ability, and that is all.

so i left work today mad as all fucking hell. wasnt really sure what pissed me off in the first place, but i was driving home just PIST OFF. so i drove, and drove, and was mad, and drove some more, and i thought "hey, maybe i should be honest with myself and think about what i'm really angry about."

and that only pissed me off MORE.

so i thought, well maybe im just mad because my life sucks and i dont have the things i want. sure, that made a little sense, but then i remembered oh yea, if it werent for the god damn schools and WASTING MY ENTIRE LIFE LEARNING NOTHING i would be so successful and have everything i want.

in other words, i tried to think "well, im just mad because i havent done what i should have done to be successful etc."

but thats not even the case. i've been FUCKED IN THE ASS FOREVER. i /WOULD/ be successful if it werent for the shitty schools. excuse me, but dont you think that sending a kid to prison every day is going to have a huge momumentally negative impact on him?

im not even going to go into why the schools fuckt me and how my parents suck and the teachers etc. and how a kid can learn way better than they do in school, because i dont have to. im right, and i know it! fuck the schools, they suck! and fuck everyone who ever told me "oh you just didnt wanna do the work, you're lazy". fuck that, no im not. what, i dont want to learn? IM lazy? fuck!

usually i just drink a beer or smoke some pot, and this whole rightous anger thing tends to just fade away, BUT...

so yea there are lots of things im pissed off about, lots of things where people have fucked ME over and im just supposed to deal with it. but drugs are only going to make it worse and thats the ONE thing that i can do, erm, the one problem OF MY OWN that I can fix. And sure i can fix all the other problems people created for me (by people i literally, actually, factually mean THE SCHOOL SYSTEM - you know, those bastards that supposedly "teach" kids "things" about "stuff") and my parents who are too god damn retarded to realize i was just too smart for school, and that its retard baby school and fuck tarded. i dont give a fuck if they had to hire personal tutors and spend all their god damn money on me and a better education, i deserved it. well, at least i didnt deserve to be sent to hell every day for twenty years of my god damn life.

AND THEN THEY HAD THE AUDACITY TO SEND ME TO PSYCHIATRISTS LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
LIKE THERES SOMETHING /WRONG/ WITH /ME/! ME! FUCKING SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME IS WHAT THEY THOUGHT!
NO YOU FKCING IDIOTS ITS THE SCHOOLS! AND IM MAD AS HELL!

so now im all pissed off at the schools. im pissed off what they did to me, how they robbed me of any self-confidence, and basically made me jaded as hell. im pissed off that the schools werent better, and im pissed off that in the end, i really didnt learn anything. im pissed off that the schools are designed to "educate" the dumbest among us when they should be geared toward enabling the brightest. i'm pissed that i have to live with the consequences of teachers mistakes, and im pissed off that ***I*** have to pay for it and no one else does. i really just want to kill idiots, i want to hold society responsible for being so incompetent. im just SO FUCKING ANGRY GOD DAMNIT because i could be so much better than i am today, and its mostly other people's fault. and i mean that.

sure i have a tendancy to blame other people for things i do, and thats something i need to work on. but ITS NOT PRODUCTIVE to just pretend like i wasnt fucked. i'm angry, and this anger isnt just going away on its own.

and you know what? im a real nice person too.

my whole life, i remember people saying things like "oh kids just make fun of each other because it makes themselves feel better"

and i thought "wow, how pathetic that someone would cut someone else down just to build themselves up"

but lately, ive been realizing, it really DOES make me feel better to just rip into someone, even if they dont deserve it. and i kind of like it too. you see, i often question whether im right in being angry about something, and im the first to make excuses for other people's shortcomings. but thats over, done. my new attitude is "fuck you if you're stupid" because its the stupid people who NEVER EVER TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHERE IM COMING FROM. yea im arrogant, i'll admit it, but not very arrogant. and i at least have something to back it up with.

what i really cant tolerate is arrogance combined with stupidity. thats what causes problems, and thats why the schools suck, ultimately.

so i had a bit of a late night last night. just got a call from my boss, who has now fired me for the fourth time. i got a call from one of my co-workers asking when i was going to come in, and like an idiot i just said i wouldn't be in today, so i got a call from my boss on my cell phone and he fired me :( i bet tho if i call him back i might be able to talk him into letting me come back, especially if i can get there soon... the funny thing is, i was actually thinking of quitting that job yesterday. i work in sales at an accounting office, i telemarket for him, but yesterday was april 15th and pretty much evreyone has an accountant. ugh again im embarassed, its like i just cant keep a job. i dont know what my problem is, but drinking and staying up late really doesn't help. still keeping to my comittment not to smoke marijuana, and beer is definately next. i just hope i can talk him into giving me my job back...

tonight i'm going out to see a friend who i havent spoken to in a while. our friendship ended on bad terms, and in all honesty, it was mostly my fault. i'm humbled however that he even is willing to speak to me again, and i do not want to ruin this chance to make things right again. knowing my friend, he really lets me have it when he's angry, and although i'm sure he's not steaming, i'm expecting he might have a few harsh words for me. what i want to avoid is us /both/ leaving with our feelings hurt, so i'm just going to be myself, and if he says anything to me i don't like, i'm just going to listen and be humble. he's a generally forgiving person, and i do not wish to hurt his feelings any more. i'm hoping that as long as i have the attitude that "ok i was wrong" and let him know how foolish and irresponsible i have been, maybe he'll let me back in his good graces. i know its going to go well, he's been too good a friend to me, and i feel like i can be man enough to just take whatever he dishes out and live with it. what good is a reputation if you don't have any friends? thanks for reading!

another semi-decent day, got some things done at the office. made some appointments with clients, and found some new ones, too. one guy was interested, but wanted me to give a call back in like 30 minutes or so, which just happened to be the time after i would be out of the office. so i called him with mah cell phone and bagged me another client! :D

and went to junior college and got a transcript of all my classes, which i'll need tomorrow when i go to the university to talk with the counselor about how im gonna transfer into the liberal arts and sciences college. yay physics. lol been so long since i've been into this science stuff, nice to be able to see it again after so long. almost three years i think since i took a physics class. its the stuff that i love, cant wait to get back into it. unfortunately, i have to trudge through all this bullshit before i can get there (ugh english classes, history, "humanities", and all the rest of it :( ) so whatever, i'll get thru it. and maybe i'll quit drinking, but the weed is definately gone. no big deal, it can be done, someone play that "stronger" song by britney spears lol

so i finally made the decision to stop smoking weed. yay me, right? ;) i was going back and forth on this all day, finally thought i gave in, but on the way there i guess i just decided i was done with all that. i can get my thrills elsewhere, honestly. its not worth the trouble (not to mention the money). heh and since i told my parents i was going to a friends house, i just drove around for about an hour so they wouldn't wonder why i left and came back so quickly. so i guess its been a good day. off to bed to start another one tomorrow.

so i got into work at about 3:30 yesterday. and left at 5:00. it didnt go over so well with my boss, but i promised him i will be able to get in there at 11 am every morning. i have been thinking about this a lot lately. i hadnt been taking the job too seriously since i got there, mainly because i had the mind that i didnt need it, and i was a little frustrated with all the things my boss required of me. since then, i've changed my perspective about things, worked a little harder, and my boss has even told me i do good work... when im /THERE/! i know i can get in on time though, because im improving my focus a bit. when i first started there, things were all up in the air. i was anxious about what i was going to do in school, as i had just flunked all my classes the previous semester. i was worried about what do to in school, how to make up for all the classes i failed, and i was telling myself that i'd be going back to school halfway through this semester. well now the semester has gone by, i havent registered for classes, and i still dont even know what classes i need to take.

im trying to get into UIC, trying to major in physics, and i need to talk to the counselor about what prerequisistes i need to meet before i can transfer. still havent done that. but on the upside, i have the rest of the semester (until summer) to figure that stuff out. its just nice to know i can take a break from school for a bit. i need to get it taken care of by summer, yeah, but i dont think i'll neglect doing what i need to do. on monday im going to call and make an appointment with a counselor, and then get some records from the other college if i have to. then i'll be free to devote my energy to my job, and this whole school thing will be out of my way for a bit. if i work my butt off until summer, and save my money (instead of spending it on beer and such), i will have at least some gas and food money for a bit.

and back to this job thing.. i know i can do it. if its all i have to focus on, if its the main thing in my life (which it will be until school starts again), i can get done there what needs to be done and not have to worry about failing out of school and all that.

so thats what ive been thinking about today, and also trying to come up with new ways of internet marketing for us. telemarketing is just not going so well. i mean we get a few clients, but more money goes into my telemarketing than comes out. i'm losing money, basically, and if i dont figure out some way of getting new clients in the door, my job goes away. and this is a nice job, too. i get to work for a friend, get to take as many cigarette breaks as i want, get to drink diet coke and eat there, use a computer, etc. so i dont want to lose this, and i'm /going/ to earn my money.

i cleaned up my office space in the basement. its not really an office. this would be the least productive office on the face of the earth... if it was an office. but anyway, its getting clean down here, and as soon as i finish organizing all my shit, then maybe i can start drawing and such. as you can see, there is only one submission on my page. that is the only thing i've drawn since. its not that i dont have time, i just cant concentrate when everything around me is disorganized and out of place. and i threw away about half my shit, too. i have all these computer parts and half-finished projects, and most of them are getting tossed completely. i dont need all this stuff. i feel like im starting to make a change, but at the moment, saying i'm a new man might be just a little pre-emptive.. i know i want to be different from the person i am, but the person who i want to be just isn't so clear yet. ah well, gonna keep on going through hell till i get my butt outta here xD

where there's a will, there's a way, right? i want to be a good student, i want to graduate from college.. i just need to take charge of the situation, i need to steer my ass in the door rather than waiting for someone to come drag me in.

wow i had an extremely productive day at work today. i contacted all the new clients i had to follow up with, and organized them all in order of which were to be contacted next, which were incommunicado, and which had either made the decision to either work with our business or pass on our service. In other words, I contact decision makers of small businesses and ask if they need our service. Unless they say either "no we don't need your services" or "yes we would like to work with you", I keep calling them back until I get an answer, and I have a simple organizing system for keeping record of who to contact in the future, and when. I'm thinking of working out a computerized system that can make this easier, more efficient, and with more detailed information, but it's been a long time since I've written a computer program, and I've got a lot of things to do at the moment...






oh yea, and DC gets it /DONE/.

ugh im such a whore for weed. and beer, recently. anyway, i dunno if i should stop completely (don't even know if i can), but for the past few years, i've been wanting to stop. mainly because i havent been able to afford it. lol when u steal money from your parents to get it, thats when you know its a problem (i guess). but i could pay for it myself if i step up my business a bit, get a few more computers fixed and such. and really, i don't know if i have to stop, i just think i need to change the way i use it. i bet if i set some ground rules for smoking, and followed them, it wouldn't affect me so much. i dunno, maybe at nights, or only when im drawing, or watching tv... any smokers (or ex-smokers) out there, feel free to leave suggestions! non-smokers, you can suggest things too, but if you havent ever felt the grasp of drug addiction, i think its going to be hard for you to understand things from my perspective. and then there's the whole thing about pot being illegal, so i really shouldn't be using it anyway, even tho its so much fun.

so i just got back from my vacation and boy am i exhausted. some things have changed, and i finally did get my head straightened out. the friendliness was welcome, and i made a few decisions. i'm going to wait a long time before resuming other areas of my life, and work out the basics first. and i found a renewed, deeper interest in the love of my life, who treats me so very well.

and the only thing i can think of is that jay-z song "dirt off your shoulder", heh its rap but its good stuff.

so im leaving to go to new orleans today with a few friends for a vacation. my boss at work is a little upset with me atm, which i dont really blame him for. i come in late a lot, call in sick, etc. when im working tho, at least im somewhat on top of things, i dont really putter around when im on the clock. the job is easy tho, telemarketing lol. i am a little stressed about it tho, but cant really do anything about it by worrying. i cant let it ruin my vacation, dont wanna piss off everyone around me just because im having a bad time, and besides, sightseeing in a new city might help me get my head straightened out again.

anyways, my sister let me bring her camera with me so i should be able to take lots of nice pictures. heh my camera is only 3 megapixels, her's is 6 (or 8? i forget). im taking the train, so its gonna be a long trip down there, so i got a few books, laptop, pen and paper... should be lots of fun :D

well, i created a FA account recently. I have some pictures I want to upload soon, and i'm looking forward to mingling with all you furries out there! i'm actually going out of state today (for a four day vacation), and i have lots of things on my mind. my boss has been on me for about a month to get this project done at the office, but i've been slacking off about it. I wonder if he's going to get pissed at me if i dont get it done soon. finally started working on it, but we'll see how it plays out. hopefully i get over the stress i have about this, but i guess the best thing to do is to spend less time stressing and more time working! toodles!