Hey all

Firstly I want to apologies for my last 2 journals and completely wiping my page and putting those horrible things about myself. In case people don't realize, I am really not well or in a good place, and I had a massive breakdown.

I want to take the time to explain why I had a breakdown.

Up until a few months ago this year has been great for me, I got to go to The Gambia and also to Madagascar to work with Nile crocodiles for 6 weeks, I really felt alive.

Since getting back though, my life has just come crashing down around me. My Grandad became very ill and he passed away not long ago. Not long after that my dad starting to get ill again, he has a history of heart problems and has had 4 heart attacks and bypasses. Basically he needs a new heart.

This has really caused my depression to act up and its caused me to push my friends away.

I broke up with my boyfriend and have been betrayed by someone I considered a close friend. I wont go into details but if you are reading this right now, and I know that you will be. What you did to me is unforgivable, people like you is whats wrong with this fandom.

You pretend you care, but all you do is manipulate vulnerable people. You absolutely fucking disgust me and I never want to see your face again. You know who you are. You are lucky I don't name and shame you, because I should!

Anyway, after all that, my dad was taken into hospital on Tuesday and it turns out he has Endocarditis, which is an infection in his heart valve and I have no idea whats going to happen. It can take 6 weeks to be treated but he is seriously ill and I don't know if hes going to make it...

But I need to stay strong, I need to pull this knife out of my back and throw it to one side. I need to keep strong for my family and I need to just keep active and not run away and hide myself away for people.

I'm incredibly broken and its going to take a long time to heal and I have so much going on now. I just want this year to end and for everything to be OK again.

I have decided to make a new account to give me that feeling of starting new. I never liked my username being Commandertaneshepard anyway. It was from my fursona from a long time ago.

I am still Tane the crocodile but my new account is  Tane_Neox

Anyway I just wanted to explain what was going on now that I have managed to get a grip on things.

Thankyou

Tane

I really can't deal with things anymore.

First my grandad now my dad is ill.

Ive lost so many friends and been betrayed by those closest to me.

I don't know why I'm writing this, nobody cares. And if I turned up dead tomorrow, nobody would care and would soon forget about me.

I'm scum. Dirty pathetic, fucked up in the head scum...

I'm sick of always hurting people

I'm sick of always being in pain

All this fandom has done has given me people to hurt or be hurt

Its full of manipulative people who fuck about with my emotions

I cant deal with it anymore.

People are better off without me

Broken, I'm so broken...

Hey all

My friend  Notorious_Phoenix is auctioning some of her Pokemon pinup artwork.


They are really good, if you are interested you can check them out by clicking the link below


http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18224218/


Thanks

Tane

Hey all

I apologize for my account being disabled and inaccessible. I had a lot going on, I wont go into detail but it broke pretty badly and I had a massive emotional breakdown.

I'm still not right now, but I realize its not good to run away and hide like that. I need to keep being the strong croc I am and push forward.

Im sorry if I worried any of you


Tane

Im sick of being hurt and pushing people away. I don't know who my friends are anymore and im hurting way too much its causing mental breakdowns.

I can't deal with things anymore...

Goodbye

I'm sorry if I worried people last night. I had been drinking and had a massive crash after everything which has happened.

For those who don't know I lost my granddad a few weeks back and now my dad has been taken into hospital, hes OK but it still worries me. I broke up with my boyfriend because I'm confused about my sexuality and I didn't feel anything in the relationship anymore but now its breaking my heart because I thought I was finally happy. I'm sick of just not being able to be with someone and just be happy.

Not to mention all the shit with people making rumors about me doesn't help. I've also lost and pushed away good friends because of all this.

Everything has just caught up with me and its really getting me down.

I just feel alone and broken and I don't know what to do anymore...

I'm done with everything. I can't keep going on like this, people are just better off without me. I have hurt to many people and I am nothing but scum.

Goodbye

I am absolutely done with this fandom, its full of horrible manipulative people!

Its supposed to be a place of acceptance where we look out for each other but behind the fluffy cuteness theres a really nasty side to this fandom. Horrible manipulative people who will spread rumors and make people feel worthless. Its no wonder there has been cases of suicide, because some people really know how to hit a persons weak spot and get inside peoples heads and the people who do that are scum.

If you cant already tell, yes something has happened to royaly piss me off.

Today I had to find out from my boyfriend that people have been spreading rumors and lies about me, he found this out from his friend and what I heard what was said about me has hurt me greatly because for one its not true and two, I had to find it out from the person I care a great deal about, so now this is probably going to affect our relationship.

So here what was said about me

I am autistic depressed crocodile who likes the idea of being crushed by a car. My German shepherd suit is mangy but I'm generally considered sweet.


As you can imagine this has upset me to hear those things, so let me clear some things up.

1. I do not suffer with autism so I don't know where the fuck that came from

2. yes I suffer with depression and I'm not ashamed, I would like to see the person who said that go through what I have and still be able to stand up and keep fighting. Oh and guess what, nearly half the fandom suffer with it and its a growing problem, its not something Im ashamed of and no one should ever be.

3. I have no idea where the fuck this came from either, but I do not like the idea of being crushed by a car. I don't go down the street and see a ford focus and think, "wow it would be so hot to be crushed" now what I do have is a fetish for macro micro and sometimes my kinks involve being crushed by another fur, but that is a domination thing and its a fetish. its not hurting anyone.

4. My fursuit is not mangy, its actually in very good condition to say I've had it for more than 7 years.


As people can tell im extremely upset especially that I had to find this out from my mate. I have finally found someone who makes me happy and now its going to get ruined. But what upsets me the most is the fact that as soon as I get a bit of happiness something out of the blue like this happens.

I knew there was something not quite right, I got the feeling that people didn't really like me that much. Now I know what people really think about me and it hurts me greatly.

I do nothing but be nice and try my hardest to help people. Yes I've hurt a lot of the people in the past through my depression and its caused a lot of breakups, and I hate that has happened. But people fall out through life. But people in this fandom have to take it one step further, they cant stand to see me happy so they have to be manipulative and horrible and Im sick of seeing it in the fandom.

But what has really upset me the most is the fact that tomorrow is my granddads funeral and finding this out on top has added to how upset I am, and now all Im going to be thinking about at the funeral is those horrible things said about me and not the good times I spent with my granddad.

Whoever has said these things about me, you better hope I don't find out who you are, because what you have said to make me feel this way has nearly broken me and I hope you are fucking proud of yourself.

But you know what, I'm strong. I'm a hell of a lot stronger than you are and you wont break me, nothing will so do me a favor and keep your snide little opinions of me to yourself. If you don't like me that's fine, but if you are going to go down that road at least have the guts to say it direct to me. Don't go through my mate.


But as for the fandom, I am absolutely done with people like that here. Don't get me wrong being a furry is a huge part of my life and I always will be, but from now on I'm only focusing on myself and the people I care about.

And that's all I need.

There's to many people here not right in the head, and that's not a dig at mental health because I suffer with depression, I'm talking about the ones who are not right in the head on purpose

Hey all!

I'm back from my 6 week expedition in Madagascar. I have had an amazing time living in the wilds and working on my crocodile project.

I managed to catch a crocodile which was 11 foot in size, he was nearly bigger than the boat and extremely powerful. We did out measurements and recorded it then released him.

I got to name his so I called him Tane ^.=.^

My 6 week survey shows there has been a 50% drop in thee population due to hunting which isn't good :(

However,its good data to put into my dissertation.

I have had an amazing time and it feels so weird to be back in civilization, I met loads of interesting people and I'm really going to miss it.

But its good to be back and able to talk to all my friends again!

Missed you all

Tane

( oh, I have also decided my fursona is a crocodile rather than an alligator. It makes sense since ive worked with crocs and named one after me ^.=.^)

Hey all

Starting from tomorrow I will be away on a 6 week expedition to Madagascar working on a project involving Nile crocodiles and their decline in their population.

I won't have any phone or internet signal for the duration so I wont be around for 6 weeks.

I really can't wait for this, see you all when I get back!

Tane

I will be sad to see it go, but I will be selling my old German Shepherd fursuit.

The reason for this is that I no longer suit with him and he is not my fursona anymore. also,I need to raise money to help me pay for Madagascar.

If you are interested in this suit you can find the auction in the following link

https://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1072181.html


Tane ^.=.^

Im sick of hurting people...

People are better of without me


*Edit*

I'm sorry everyone, I don't know why I keep getting like this lately. Just keep feeling really upset and angry and its making me lash out, I don't mean to be this way...

I really don't know what got into my last night when I wrote my previous journal, I also had a couple of drinks which didn't help...

I guess I'm just fed up with being single and not being able to find that right person and I assumed its because of the things I like and how different I am...

But I am being way to hard on myself again. Yes I'm into footpaws vore and macro/micro and I have thought up some strange ideas and got them commissioned, but this is what I like and its not hurting anyone.

This is what the furry community is about, we are all different and its about meeting people and being there for people with similar interests and being able to express these differences through art etc.

Yeah it might be a bit perverted what I'm into but everyone has their kinks, what matters is the kind of person I am.

And that is someone who is struggles with depression but is constantly fighting for himself and his friends happiness and is a good person.

I appreciate all the kind words from people last night, I'm sorry I got in that state

Tane

I have decided to stop commissioning and faving art like macro/micro etc.

I have had a good long think and I have come to the conclusion that I have a problem and I'm just perverted. This is why I can never find that right person to be with. The kinks rule my life and its become too much.

I'm also sick of people only ever wanting to know me when they want to roleplay with me. I have also been guilty of it myself, I have people on my Skype who only seem to talk when we roleplay.

I'm just getting sick of it, I don't want to be seen as a perverted fur in the furry fandom...

I'm so much more than that, no wonder I'm alone...

Happy paw day everyone!

I'm seeing loads of sexy paws today, if you are still after getting a paw day icon then my good friend Lupey has reduced her paw icon prices to $7!

Go and get yourself a bargain https://www.furaffinity.net/view/16602122/


Enjoy the rest of paw day!


Tane

Hey all

If you are like me and love footpaws and cant wait for paw day then my friend  Lupeyroo is taking cheap good quality commissions for paw day icons.


Visit this link to get one! http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16584127/



Tane ^.=.^

My submission tab is filled with loads of paw day icons by people.

I love it!

More sexy footpaws!!!

^.=.^

I just want to say thanks to all the people who posted on my last journal. instead of replying to all your comments I thought I would just make this journal to thank you.

I'm sorry if I scared anyone with my previous journal but I honestly and truly felt alone and that I have lost everyone I care about.

I'm still not great but I feel a little bit better.

I have decided I cant keep doing this to myself and that I need to move on and push the negativity and the people who cause it out of my life for good.

I'm never going to be Mr popular and I know its hard to be friends with someone with depression. But I always fight and push on and try my dammed hardest to be a good friend to people.

I'm not being taken advantaged of anymore.

Anyway, thanks again for all the kind words. Its good to know people actually do care

Time for a fresh start

Tane

I've had enough...

I've had enough of being ill with depression and never being able to enjoy life properly.

I try my hardest to fight on and get help but there's always someone or something to drag me down.

I'm tired of giving my all to help people I think are my friends, only to be treated like I'm nothing.

I'm tired of being single and unwanted

I'm in a fandom surrounded by people who say they care, but I have never been so alone in all my life.

As I lay here crying I realise how alone I actually am.

Nobody wants me, nobody likes me.

I should just disappear.

I can't handle this anymore...

Hey all

So I go away for 2 weeks tomorrow to The Gambia. This is part of my field study module at university in which we do conservation work on a species of our choice.

I hope to be working with West African dwarf crocodiles. ^.=.^

See you all soon and I'm sure I will have loads of pictures to share!


Tane

Hey all

Its been a while since I did an update on whats going on in my life right now, so I thought I would fill everyone in.

Well firstly university is going well, not long now until I pass second year and so far I have been passing all my modules, I have decided to get into a little hobby of music production. I bought myself a basic music making software and I hope to get better with it, you can find the first song I made in my gallery.

As some people saw I did get into a relationship for a while, unfortunately it didn't work out and me and my boyfriend decided to end it on good terms and stay friends, distance is a bitch!

Anyway onto my big announcement which I am really excited about. In June this year I will be going to Madagascar for 6 weeks to work with Nile Crocodiles and look at what is causing their population decline. I will be going out on boats looking out for them and then measuring them and all sorts of cool things!

This is all for my dissertation work for my final year of university. I am really excited about it!

Now, the only downside to this expedition is that it is going to cost me £5000 so I need to look into doing fundraising events and all sorts. I am going to be selling my old German Shepherd fursuit at some point as well.

I'm not the type to beg for money, but if people would like to donate towards my expedition I would be extremely grateful. I'm hoping I can make connections when in the field and hopefully make a career out of it.

if you would like to donate my paypal is dracorex21[at]hotmail.com

Or if you have any ideas on how I can raise the money I would be grateful

Thanks! ^.=.^

Anyway that's just an update for me, things are going really well.

Thanks for reading

Tane

Hey all

My good friend  lupeyroo is going through a bit of a crisis, and urgently needs to make money for rent.

She is looking for people to commission her and is live streaming.

If you are looking for a commission then I definitely recommend her and would greatly appreciate it if you commissioned her, as she desperately needs the money and produces good quality work.

A piece she did for me http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15498036/

Thanks for reading

Tane

So on Sunday I will be moving back into University for my second year, I will have limited internet access as its in the middle of nowhere and I wont be taking my computer with me.

I have been having a really bad time with my depression lately and I fell back into a vicious circle, I'm hoping my time back at university will really help me as I'm going to really focus on my work and getting better along with doing more exercise.

I will try and stay in contact as much as I can with my close friends etc and you know how to contact me.

Here is to getting better with my health and doing well at university!

Tane

Basically what it says in the title, Im looking at getting a NSFW piece of me and Bowser getting it on, if the prices are good I may get more than one. if you are interested let me know in the comments below and I will check out your prices and work! ^.=.^