This past week has felt more like a month. Shortly after my last update, things went downhill in a hurry.

After learning the cancer had spread to his brain, the oncologist recommended radiation treatment to give him a little more time. Initially, he wasn't willing to undergo radiation, a decision that I supported and, even in hindsight, I think was still probably the right call. However, soon after there was an incident and the paramedics as well as his doctor were pretty confident that he suffered a seizure. After he was released from the ER, his mobility wasn't great. Within a couple of days he needed a walker to get around. Just two or three days after that, the fucking walker wasn't enough. The wheelchair did help a great deal, but by the time we got one for him, he wasn't mobile at all and his quality of life was pretty well gone. Me and mom made a difficult decision and we contacted Hospice services. The call was made and the next day, somebody from Hospice came to do an assessment and they brought over supplies and equipment for home care. At the same time, one of his best friends flew down to visit and see him. My dad was able to recognize and acknowledge his friend, although he was sleeping a lot and wasn't really aware of much. Those last few days were like dealing with someone with Alzheimer's. He was getting memories jumbled up, asking about his parents who had both passed, and kept confusing me for one of my other brothers. We put he friend up here for his stay, as we've hosted him before and knew he was good people.

Some time between 5 and 6 A.M. on Saturday. Mom noticed his breathing was weird. My brother had come in from out of town the previous day. One of my brothers lives about an hour away, a bit of a drive but nothing too horrible, but the other lives over three hours drive time away, so he hadn't seen our dad as much. My cousin, a RN, also came over the night me and mom decided to call Hospice and leveled with us, saying that we were coming up on the end of it pretty soon. I sincerely did appreciate that because the oncologist was confident and insistent that a few radiation treatments "should" clear up some of his problems. Realistically, we were told that at best we'd get a brief period of more normal awareness and function from him, but it wouldn't last long and we'd be right back where we were at that point. I had to help my mom with the decision to seek help and get ready for end-of-life stuff because, bless her heart, she was trying to take care of EVERYTHING. But when we took a moment to discuss the situation, we helped remind each other that as recently as his now-terminal prognosis when he was informed that the cancer had spread to his brain, he made his wishes known and he knew that we would need help and he would be difficult to care for.

I was woken up a little bit past 6 or 7 in the morning, I can't remember when exactly, by my brother I heard his voice shaking as he said "I'm sorry to wake you up so early, but it's important..." I knew right away he was going to say Dad had gotten a lot worse. I was informed that they found he'd stopped breathing and that there was some blood dripping from his mouth. My cousin was called and she sped to our house from about an hour or so away, assured us that we did everything that needed to be done and that dad was gone. As I try to recall the rest of the day, it's been mostly reduced to a blur. People from the hospice center came over and other necessary people came to take my dad's body to the funeral home. I remember seeing my dad before they came to get him and I could tell he had passed. His skin looked gray and his eyes were partially opened. I was glad that the rest of the family didn't arrive in time to see him like that.

When it dawned on me that dad would be dead soon, I thought about my cat Shadow, and my parents dog who they had to take in to be put down just in January. Shadow started suffering seizures late in 2022. The local vet was very helpful and honest about the prognosis, and we quickly eliminated the possibility that it was anything treatable. His seizures gradually got more frequent, but after the seizure and a few minutes of disorientation, I'd be damned if he didn't go right back to one of his favorite activities; attacking my feet. When he stopped doing that just a week or two after the prognosis, I knew it was getting bad. I was shocked at how quickly he went downhill, but the decision I made to take him in to the vet wasn't a difficult one, it was actually a pretty easy one. Even when he hadn't been seizing at the end, he was confused, disoriented, and scared. I'm not sure that he was even able to recognize me, and I didn't think it was right to make him go through that even though my parents suggested I wait a day or two to see if it improved.

My parents' dog, Apollo, was a lot more difficult. He was a mixed-breed who looked like he was mostly a Boxer. Unfortunately, he inherited a genetic issue known to plague that particular breed, and we found out that his brother had to be put down because of the same issue that had apparently progressed quickly in him. Apollo lasted a surprisingly long while, with his hind legs gradually losing more and more mobility. At first, he would have brief periods where walking was more difficult, but doable. By the time my parents knew they had to take him in, he had completely lost the use of his legs and it was impacting his ability to make it outside to do his business. My mom was really struggling with the decision and it really hit me after losing dad because I had to talk with her about Apollo in a similar way I did with her about dad later on. I reminded her that dad was sick, my grandpa (who was now living with them) was not able to do any kind of strenuous physical activity, and she wasn't able to take care of the dog like he needed by herself and that's exactly what she'd have to do because I couldn't take off of work to help her. She said she understood, but she felt like she wasn't doing what the dog needed but rather was just making it easier on herself because it was quickly reaching a point where he had to be carried around. I told my mom that the problems with paralysis like that went beyond the dog's ability to walk and ran down some of the issues I was aware of that paraplegic people had to be careful with, including being unable to feel injuries in the afflicted areas, that Apollo could get a cut or some other kind of normally minor injury that would get infected and we'd just lose him that way anyways, and I pointed out his increasing difficulty in being able to control when he peed and pooped, and other fun things like that.

In hindsight, I feel like maybe that was the "practice run" for the incredibly difficult decisions we had to make. I want to leave off with this unfortunate and morbid bit of advice: make your wishes known to your loved ones and family with regards to what kind of treatment/assistance and whatever else you want known, while you're still cognizant. It will help them when it comes time to make some very difficult decisions, and even though my dad was very confused and not completely aware of everything at the end, it did really help me and my mom when we discussed what he told us and how he wanted us to handle him.

Sorry, I don't really have any ideas for a better title, but at least it's direct and to the point.

It has not been a pleasant past few months. Money has been very, very tight, I was involved in a car accident (no injuries, but I'm going to be getting my car back from the shop soon), my grandpa (on my dad's side) died last month, and my dad's cancer has spread to his brain. I don't think I'm getting out of the 2020's without some kind of substance abuse problem.

Then there's the larger issues going on. I have a feeling that we're seeing the end of the United States. Trust in our government is virtually non-existent, the Republicans are full-on corrupt, and the Democrats are just incompetent and stupid. We have a comic book villain effectively running our nation right now, and the big orange cunt is making brazen threats against our allies that should have been shut down immediately after he made the threats but that's not happening because the majority of the people who could even be bothered to fucking vote decided they wanted the orange cunt. I wasn't exactly happy that I had to pick between Harris and Trump, but it was an easy enough choice considering what we've seen with Trump. I have a feeling I'm going to lose a lot of friends and family as things continue to get worse, and I don't even know what things will look like here in two years, nevermind four. I don't think our nation will even last two more years.

Sorry I don't have anything more hopeful to update all of you with. It's been a very long past several months and I haven't really had much in the way of updates aside from Dad's still sick, my country sucks, I'm drinking and getting stoned most of the time, and barely making ends meet.

Things with my dad have been a roller coaster. I hate roller coasters bad enough as it is!

After doing his radiation treatments about a month ago, my dad's health took a pretty serious dive. He was severely dehydrated and nauseous, which only dehydrated him even more. He was in such shit shape that, despite his doctors and nurses being under orders to not give more than one saline IV to anyone, thanks to Helene and Milton screwing up supply, they had to give him multiple IVs. That helped a bit, but he was still incredibly weak. My mom was at her wit's end with it. I was right there with her, wondering if the end was maybe just around the corner. The helplessness of it just fucking sucks.

There is some good news, however. As fucked up as Texas is with a lot of stuff, it turns out that it is remarkably easy to get a prescription for medicinal marijuana. I looked into it and gave my dad all the information I found. He got the necessary documentation, got a good discount on the physician's consultation because of his status as a veteran, and then he was set. He needed me to drive him to the downtown area of our local metropolis to pick up his stuff. The improvement was such that, on that very same night, he could not stop eating like...fucking everything! On his last appointment with his oncologist, both his doctor and his pharmacist got the information from him, step-by-step, on how to get a prescription for medicinal cannabis so that they could tell their other patients who were in need of relief.

Unfortunately, by the time this all happened, my dad had lost over 50 pounds. He's had to go on short-term disability and now he's looking at transitioning to long-term/permanent disability. He's pretty sure he's not going to get back to a point where he'll be able to work.

I'll close out with this: if you have some kind of debilitating illness and can't find relief from anything, give cannabis a try. Even if your state/country has decriminalized cannabis for recreational use, look into getting a prescription for medical grade, because it's stronger and they make things specifically for certain kinds of ailments (pain, nausea, etc.)

I'm really not sure how to start, what to say, etc. I'm having to deliver my own major life update, but when I came on, I saw the news that everyone knows now; Dragoneer has passed away. I can't recall any reaction with him, good or bad, though I have seen him comment on journals and other content by people I do follow. My understanding is that Dragoneer has often been a controversial person. Many decisions made by him and other admins would often result in a slew of "I'm leaving FA" Journals that...well if I had a penny for every time I saw someone announce they were leaving FA, but ended up doing nothing of the sort, I'd have quite a lot of "Fuck You" Money accumulated.

Truth be told? It's really not even on my radar. What I'm dealing with right now is something that I really don't know how to handle. In late 2022, I was informed that my dad was expecting a cancer diagnosis after experiencing some health problems that he thought was one thing, but CT scans and such showed something more concerning to the doctors. I can't remember how far along I've kept everyone updated on things past his surgery, so I'll just jump to that point:

Early this year, after going through chemo and his surgery to remove the cancer, a follow-up appointment revealed some "nodules" that the doctors were concerned about. They decided to be safe and start him back on chemo. Afterwards, they were able to determine that his cancer had, in fact, metastasized. His chemo treatments started at about the same time as they did the previous year, and my dad recently had a sit-down with his doctor to discuss the results of his latest scans. Curiously, they're not saying the word "terminal", but the cancer has spread to his bone, making it Stage 4 Cancer and they have said it's incurable. However, they are going to start him on radiation therapy.

Pretty much, how the prognosis was explained to me, they're going to have to do treatments to focus on the worst of it, where ever it pops up, but it's going to be with him for the rest of his life. As far as how long "the rest of his life" is, that's something I don't know and haven't been able to bring myself to try and look up. The way my mom explained it to my uncle, it sounds like they're going to treat and control it as best they can until they just can't anymore. I'm going to try to convince my parents to seek a second opinion, but I doubt it'll do any good as my parents think his current doctor is about the best they can get, which might be true.

I really don't know what the future looks like here. As far as FA goes, I really don't know. It's not a priority, nor has it been for several years now. One of the big things that I'm trying to deal with is aside from my dad, my mom isn't in great health either. She's got a list of ailments stemming from obesity and her refusal to quit smoking and has been told by her doctors that, pending some major lifestyle changes (which she hasn't attempted to make) she's looking at needing a liver and/or kidney transplant in the future. I've also known several people, family included, who died within a year of their spouse, so I'm not really holding out a lot of hope that cancer taking my dad is where this is going to end.

Alright, so I'm sure many here know what the ruling is concerning the title of this journal. For those who don't, it's really very simple: SCOTUS has ruled that the President of the United States now has total immunity from any and all official acts done as President. I'm not going to go on a long-winded rant on this one because anybody even remotely capable of critical thinking understands how bad this is.

To those who don't understand how and why this ruling is as bad as it is, consider this: everything that you think Trump or whoever can do without worry now, the current president can also do. Biden can literally order Delta Force to murder Trump, say he did it on live television, and he's got immunity.

Every judge who ruled in favor of this decision is incompetent to a degree that should not be allowed as a practicing attorney, nevermind a judge appointed to the highest judicial seat in the nation.

Yes, Stephen King's doorstop novel that helped to forever immortalize clowns as horrifying creatures. On that note, though, if you asked just about anybody what "It" is about, they'd likely say "a monster clown that kills and eats kids." That would be incorrect. This novel is over 1100 pages, one of King's longest. A lot of this novel is King just creating lore around the eponymous entity and its relationship to the town of Derry. The town of Derry itself and the people within it are complicit with the murders committed by the monster, and while "It" also coaxes the townspeople to indulge in their own horrifying acts of violence, it's made clear that they are well aware of what's going on and they happen to have themselves an excuse to do these things. The layout of Derry is described masterfully, with enough detail being given that the reader can put things together before the characters do in a way that feels natural and not spoon-fed.

Now, regarding *that* scene, because I have been asked by a couple of friends: I found it to be uncomfortable and unnecessary, but I also could understand what King was trying to convey. The characters are all about 11 years old, on the cusp of adolescence and starting to become aware of romantic and sexual feelings. The crossing over from childhood to adulthood is also a major theme, wherein understanding the differences is fundamental in fighting "It". With that said, if you decide to read this book and you don't want to read that part, you will know when it happens and you can skip ahead easily enough. If you don't know what "that scene" is, I'm not sure I can describe it without getting in trouble with the mods, so take that as you will.

All in all, it was a great novel. A fucking big one that was a little slow to start, but once things got rolling it was a lot of fun. I did need to take short breaks here and there because there's also a lot of difficult subject matter like various forms of abuse and violence against children.

Sorry, I can't help but make that joke. If only, right?

News has come that Akira Toriyama, the man behind the Dragon Ball franchise, has died. I've met a lot of people in this community who are anime fans. Many of us cut our teeth on Dragon Ball Z, at least here in the U.S. My introduction to anime came from Speed Racer and Voltron, but DBZ was the one that pulled me in, hook, line, and sinker. I realized anime was its own style because of DBZ and Akira Toriyama. It wasn't until just a few years ago that I learned about the Dragon Quest video game series and Chrono Trigger, which he did the art for.

The thing that I remember about DBZ was that it gave me something to look forward to after school. I hated school, especially after I hit 4th grade. It just got so difficult for me and would not let up, so after school I just wanted to do anything besides homework (which my grades often reflected) and I would just watch everything playing on Cartoon Network/Toonami. I remember the line-up from back then very well still. I usually made it home just after Sailor Moon started and I would sit down and watch that and just take some time to rest and relax. Then DBZ came on, the main thing I looked forward to, even when it was showing non-stop reruns with a jarring dub shift when they finally did start airing new episodes. Hell, that old dub gave birth to a meme that you just couldn't escape from for a long time ("IT'S OVER 9,0000!!!").

To be honest, this is something I can't entirely comprehend right now. I'm bummed out, but life also goes on. It doesn't really feel real. I haven't been hanging on waiting for his next thing to come out, but his work is something that I can recognize pretty quickly because his style is so unique. I remember coming across art for the Dragon Quest series and figuring out very quickly that it was Toriyama's art because of some notable details and redundancies he liked to use.

Godzilla movies have always been a mixed bag. Regardless, when I was a little kid, I enjoyed every Godzilla movie I watched...except for "Godzilla's Revenge". I hated that one. Aside from that, no matter how ridiculous or goofy the movie was, I generally enjoyed it. I still remember when I saw one of the "Heisei" Era movies, simply titled "Godzilla vs King Ghidorah", on the recommendation of my dad, and realized those movies could have a level of seriousness to them. I also remember, not too long after that, seeing "Godzilla: King of the Monsters" for the first time. Like most others, I saw the Americanized version with scenes of Raymond Burr, but the level of seriousness that movie had was jarring to me in a way that I couldn't, and wouldn't, come to fully understand or appreciate until much later in life. Not long after that, the 1998 American "Godzilla" movie came out, and I watched that one more times than many people may find acceptable....okay, okay, I was 11 at the time, c'mon y'all! Anyways...

Recently, Godzilla has seen a resurgence in popular culture, thanks to America. To the surprise of many, Legendary Pictures introduced a generally well-praised movie that, while entertaining, had...oh so many flaws. As much as I enjoyed it, I have to acknowledge that I've referred to it as a "cock tease" movie, because of how it would show Godzilla...and then immediately cut away from the action. The trailer also highlighted Bryan Cranston's role, who was still hot off of "Breaking Bad" at that time. Unfortunately, his character died pretty quickly, leaving us with a number of bland characters who nobody really cared about. Well, except for Ken Watanabi, who was also pretty good. Other than that, the 2014 movie was incredibly frustrating. I'm not going to go over the rest of the movies, as the 2014 movie is the one I feel like I need to draw the most comparisons to, in regards to the newly-released "Godzilla: Minus One".

Human characters have always been the weak link in the Godzilla movies. They've just never been terribly interesting, and when they were on the screen in any other movie I've seen, I would get up to fix myself a snack or something. This is a weakness that, like many others, I feel "Minus One" has rectified. As I was sitting in the theater last night, watching it, I came to the realization that there was a much larger focus on the human characters, rather than Godzilla himself. Even more shocking, when I realized that, I also realized that I was fine with that. The human characters here were genuinely enthralling, as many had a sincere sense of comradery, with themes of wartime trauma/PTSD, family, duty, and nationalism being explored. That being said, any time Godzilla did appear on the screen, his presence was as epic and foreboding as you could ever want. I don't know what else to say other than I really enjoyed this movie and was surprised by how endearing many of the characters were.

Unfortunately, the movie is only seeing a limited release, but it's also apparently exceeded expectations at the box office. Perhaps it will get a wider release because of that! Whether or not it does, if you get the opportunity to watch this movie, do check it out!

Along with a very family-unfriendly piece of advice!

I just learned about the infamous Nutty Putty (yes, real name) Cave Incident from 2009. Learned about it from, of all places, reddit. To quickly summarize the incident: a well known cave system, advertised as "beginner-friendly" for cave divers, known as Nutty Putty Cave became the site of a horrifying tragedy. A cave diver, John, along with his brother went on a trip to this cave and, after reaching a certain point, decided to challenge themselves with a more difficult section of the cave known as "The Birth-Canal". Suffice it to say, that section of the cave was incredibly narrow. Unfortunately, the cave also branched off and John took a wrong turn. He came to what he thought was the Birth Canal and pushed himself into a spot where he could not go any further. He also was not able to back out and was stuck upside down, with his arms at his sides. After 26 hours, all rescue attempts failed, and John died of cardiac arrest. Something that stands out to me is that, from the maps of the cave, the area that John got stuck in looked like it was almost a perfect fit for him...like it was there, waiting.

So I learned about this on reddit. And like every other pit of depravity called "Social media" that the internet throws at us, the comments section was something to behold. A lot of people were calling the guy stupid, not because he went the wrong way in the cave, but because he was a cave diver in the first place. These comments upset me for some reason, and I came to realize that was because I simultaneously agreed with them, but also because I completely understand why people do things like cave diving/spelunking, sky-diving...it just occurred to me that there's a lot of different kinds of "diving", all of which can get pretty scary but I digress; people do this shit because facing down something that terrifies you, willingly, and making it into your hobby makes you feel like a god. For as long as I can remember, I've been terrified of heights and suffer vertigo from it. When I was 19, I got the opportunity to fly in a Cesna airplane and even took control mid-flight. It was a nerve-racking experience...and the pilot said I might be a natural. The reason he said that was because, in my desperate attempts to not go too far down because ground and not go too far up because lack of air, then ground, I maintained the altitude by pulling up and pushing down just ever so lightly, which is something most pilots have to be taught to do. I was very happy to rejoin the ground (safely), but holy fuck did that feel amazing!

The family-unfriendly word of warning is this: adrenaline is a hell of a drug, but keep in mind that cocaine is probably LESS hazardous to your health, all things considered!

I saw it! First off, no I did not do the "Barbenheimer" double-feature. I did not have that kind of time lol!

The development and use of atomic weapons is a subject that has fascinated, and terrified, me since I was in the 4th grade. One of the persisting narratives that you will still hear is that, when physicists began researching atomic energy, they did so with the intention of making a new means of energy to power our electricity and so on, and that the weaponization of it was something that a number of more militaristic-minded scientists conceived of and got funding for. That's not really true, as when the various scientists known for their work in the field made strides in the theoretical physics of the subject, they were well aware that it could and would be weaponized. Many of the very same people opposed to creating a bomb willingly worked on and developed it. Why? They had to make a choice. Who would they rather see make and use atomic weapons: the Americans or the Nazis?

That is ultimately the driving narrative behind Oppenheimer, the biopic of the titular scientist played by Cillian Murphy, and written, directed, and produced by Christopher Nolan. In this movie, Nolan does his weird timeline thing that he enjoys doing in movies like "Dunkirk", "The Prestige", and "Memento". The movie swaps between three different narratives: Oppenheimer's education, employment at a university, and his work on the Manhattan Project; his interview/interrogation concerning his security clearance renewal with concerns to his ties to members of the Communist party from his past affiliations; and Lewis Strauss' (played by Robert Downey Jr.) attempts to be confirmed at the Chairman of Commerce by the Senate and his continued animosity towards Oppenheimer for a perceived offense. This movie has a pretty hefty runtime of about 3 hours. I'll discuss that length in a bit.

What I didn't like about the movie:

Nolan's sound editing in his movies suck. His movies are edited so that tense musical scores blast through the speakers while the characters speak quietly and discuss important plot points that you WILL miss without subtitles. There were fortunately only a couple of scenes where this was an issue, but it was still very noticeable and I wish Nolan would kindly stop that!

Most of Nolan's mainstream films carry a PG-13 rating, but this one got an R rating I had some hopes for the unusually high rating, but most of it was relegated to two or three uses of the word "fuck" and a couple of scenes showing tits and ass that didn't really add anything. This brings me into what you could consider a separate issue, but I'll tie these two together, which is the effects of the atomic bombs on Japan. There is a scene later in the movie where Oppenheimer attends a lecture/seminar on the injuries and effects sustained by the Japanese people of Hiroshima when the bomb was dropped. The audience is not shown these images, though they are available if you care to google them (warning, it is not pleasant), but Oppenheimer's reaction to the photos is shown. I can only guess that they were trying for a "less is more" or "nothing is scarier" impact, but again these are photos that are easily found online and showing them would have been a good use of the film's R rating while also showing the audience why Oppenheimer has a crisis of conscience during the film.

The 3-hour runtime is not a bad thing in and of itself, as this movie was pretty well-paced. However I have said before and will continue to say that if 2.5+ hour movies are going to be the norm now, theaters need to bring back intermissions. Let audience members get up and stretch, use the restroom, and whatever else.

What I liked about the movie:

The movie's main plot was true to history as far as the stakes. By the time the Manhattan Project was greenlit, most military strategists were sure that Germany was ahead in their development efforts by a fair amount. What the movie did not show was that, alongside overseeing the project, Gen. Leslie Groves was also overseeing attempts by the Allies to sabotage and set back the German development of the bomb. Many of these attempts were serious failures. What set the Germans back was, among other things, their institutionalized anti-Semitism, as the Nazi party would not allow the teaching or usage of "Jew Science" (many of the scientists who developed the theories and science of atomic energy were Jewish), and a number of missteps in their scientists' own development by using "heavy water" over a more efficient catalyst like graphite. Another operation that was conducted to hinder the Nazis was not shown, but we do get to see the result is another scientist being smuggled out of Europe and brought to America to provide assistance and information on development as well as what he knows about the Nazis' progress on their own research.

Overall, it was a good, solid movie that I recommend. I wouldn't say it's Nolan's best, but he has a lot of bangers so this one not representing him in top form isn't saying much! Check it out if you get the opportunity!

Apocalypse Now

I decided to throw this one up because there are some movie buffs who follow me and it's fun to discuss this stuff!

That's not to say that I don't like the movie (I love it!), or that I don't understand the themes and subjects discussed in the movie (well, some of them, there are arguably a lot of themes), but there is a lot to unpack in that one, especially regarding a period as traumatic and divisive as the Vietnam War, especially with the discussions and portrayal of War Crimes. However, I think the movie has a lot to do with madness in a very old-timey sense. It's occurred to me a few times that this movie, and the novella it was based on, Heart of Darkness, could be adapted to fit into a Lovecraftian/Cosmic Horror story pretty well. A lot of the visuals in the movie stick with my mind as well, like when Capt. Willard makes it to the outpost that's under constant fire and the men stationed there are so numb that some of them are just listening to music, until the screaming and cursing VC/NV soldier gets too noisy for them. Then a single soldier turns down their stereo, listens, and is able to take him out with a 40mm grenade just by sound. The other scene that really sticks out in my mind is the famous scene showing Capt. Willard rising up out of the water silently to complete his mission.

I also frequently ponder Willard's curiosity, admiration, and later disillusionment with Col. Kurtz. As the movie starts, Willard is given a dossier on Kurtz and is perplexed as to why the brass (and likely the CIA) want Kurtz removed from command (i.e. killed), as the crimes he's been charged with are something that has been accepted throughout the war (executing VC spies). As he reads on, also reading mail sent from Kurtz to his family that has been intercepted, he comes to admire Kurtz which also makes him wonder more just why is this guy such a problem? As Willard goes deeper into enemy territory, he becomes more and more obsessed with Kurtz, the central mystery starting to drive Willard mad an separate him from his own humanity. Finally, he comes face to face with Kurtz and has found someone who has completely given in to madness, and so he has no misgivings about carrying out his orders barring a couple of hitches.

Another idea that has occurred to me is the infamous difficulties faced by the cast and crew while making the movie, but especially the issue of casting Marlon Brando and the amount of difficulty people had working with him. By that time, Brando had gained a lot of weight, often refused to memorize lines, read source material, and many other things actors are often time contracted to do when they receive a role. I've often wondered if that played into Martin Sheen's performance as well, since Brando isn't too dissimilar from Kurtz in some ways. An actor who's constantly hyped up, despite the issues that come with casting him. Other actors have sworn by him and said he was great to work with, while directors usually say he's only worth casting if you know exactly what you're getting into. While filming his scenes, Brando would sometimes stop midsentence and announce that he was finished filming for the day. I could see Martin Sheen filming a scene with Brando (actually I'm not sure that they had very many scene together because of the stated issues), and getting into things with Brando suddenly stopping everything. Much like his character's reaction to seeing Kurtz in the flesh, I can imagine both the actor and the character thinking "This is him? This is the man who has been built up so much through this entire ordeal?"

Regarding Brando's weight gain, I've actually made that a headcanon for the movie as well, which also explains why Willard is so quickly dismayed by this man who endured and conquered Special Forces training as a high-ranking officer in his older age. This is a man who should have been build like a tank. While Francis Ford Coppola attempted to keep Brando's body obscured by filming him in the shadows, you could still tell he was a chunky boy. My headcanon is that, on being accepted and even praised by the natives in the place he established in Cambodia, Kurtz gave in to excesses, perhaps as a coping mechanism for his PTSD. The part that he relates to Willard after capturing him, telling him about his team's attempt to establish rapport with the natives and vaccinating them against local diseases only to later find the people they had contacted were killed by the enemy, with every inoculated arm having been amputated, was a very short, direct, and simple way to establish what broke this man, as well as making a commentary on the Vietnam War itself. A war meant to be won in ways that made it unwinnable. So, now Kurtz has completely abandoned everything that made him a compelling leader.

Lastly, if you enjoy this movie and like to play video games, I absolutely have to recommend you play Spec Ops: The Line. It's a great game with good mechanics (same engine and gameplay style as Gears of War), that doesn't reinvent the wheel of gameplay in favor of story and character development. The less said beyond that, however, the better!

Yep, I saw it. Probably no big surprise, I love the Guardians movies probably more than anything else in the MCU. This particular movie was a very bittersweet entry that I'm still processing. It dives into some very difficult subject matter, including animal cruelty, that really makes some parts difficult to sit through. More than that, though, is it feels like a final send-off of sorts. James Gunn had announced some time ago that this would be his last run in the Guardians of the Galaxy/MCU and is now being tasked with trying to unfuck the mess that is DC's own cinematic universe...best of luck to him, he'll need it for that mess. With that, however, this movie really touches on some things in a meta way, really hammering in the point that nothing in the MCU is going to be quite the same with the conclusion of the Infinity Saga.

Going into more detail about the last part, I don't really know if the "MCU Burnout" that's being discussed is an actual thing or if it just really feels like the producers and writers involved don't know where to take things following Avengers: Endgame, but a lot of the movies they've been releasing lately feel like placeholders. Guardians Vol. 3 feels different, possibly because of the plot threads and loose ends that it ties up, but it felt like a more consistent movie because of it. The only thing that I can gather about where the MCU is heading right now is that they're going into multiverse stuff, which could be a lot of fun, but it seems to be coming at the cost of character development and character-driven stories, which is where the strength of the Infinity Saga was. I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom about these movies, I'm sure there are plenty of people who disagree with me, which is great.

The soundtrack that the GotG movies are famous for also hit different, with a selection of tracks spanning from the 70's all the way to the 2000's. Pivotal points in the plot were accompanied by songs that I grew up listening to and that were new when I was younger, like "In the Meantime" by Spacehog and "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys. It's actually very strange, because it has only just now occurred to me that it's almost ten years since GotG Vol. 1 first premiered, and the MCU proper first started way back in 2008, well over 10 years ago now. With that in mind, I'm wondering if maybe the executives at Disney and Marvel should maybe consider letting continuity slide a little. That's not to say I think they should ignore and disregard everything that's happened, but maybe start fresh by introducing brand new characters and making it easier for people whose viewing lapsed during the initial run, as well as new audiences in general, to break into it. That's one of the strengths of Phases 1 and 2, you had movies that focused primarily on characters that were fun and there wasn't a huge backlog that you absolutely had to watch to be able to comprehend the full plot.

Bottomline: If you've been following along with the MCU up until Endgame, you'll most likely enjoy this movie. I do recommend seeing Thor: Love and Thunder and the Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special prior to this movie, but you won't be missing too terribly much if you don't. Be aware, however, that Rocket Raccoon's background is explored in this movie and with that comes some really unpleasant things like animal experimentation and abuse. The villain in this movie is also notable in that he is perhaps the most loathsome piece of shit shown to us so far. That last bit is especially interesting, as one of the strengths of the MCU has also been that the villains often make legitimate observations or have legitimate problems that make them more sympathetic, even if the means they go to to reach their goals are disagreeable. That's not a criticism of this villain, however, as I think a villain you absolutely love to hate and love to watch suffer is a nice little treat every now and then.

Check this one out, especially if you've enjoyed the Guardians for their full run so far!

So, Nic Cage movies are certainly an experience, especially his most recent films. I personally enjoyed the adaptation of "Color Out of Space" that he starred in, where his manic acting style was put to surprisingly effective use as an alien presence drives his character to madness and alters the environment around him. "Willie's Wonderland" is a fun take on the "Five Nights at Freddy's" concept, where Cage plays a silent protagonist (apparently his decision entirely) who gets roped into cleaning and repairing a dilapidated Chuck E. Cheese type family restaurant, with animatronic characters who have been possessed by demons. I enjoyed that one quite a lot too, as a fun "tongue-in-cheek" action/comedy/horror and highly recommend it as well. However, I knew after seeing these movies that watching a more...out there Nic Cage movie by the name of "Mandy" would be an entirely different experience. I was not prepared for it, and there is no way to be adequately prepared for this movie. You will either enjoy it or loathe it.

The only way I can comprehensively describe this movie is to say that it's like "The Crow", one or more of the "Mad Max" movies, and that 80's animated "Heavy Metal" movie all mashed up together, with the editing done in a way that you will know what it is like to experience an acid trip despite never having done acid. The plot of the film focuses on Cage's character and his wife, the titular Mandy, as they lead a quiet life in a remote area of the Black Mountains during the 1980's, before tragedy strikes and sends Cage's character on a quest for revenge against possibly otherworldly entities and a cult lead by a narcissist (redundant, I know).

There's another actor in "Mandy" who plays a small, but very interesting role...actually that seems to be his bread and butter, playing characters with a sinister edge who aren't necessarily major characters, but do have an impact regardless; Richard Brake. My introduction to him was his role as Portman in the 2005 "Doom" adaptation. As a "Doom" movie, that movie is shit, but as a fun sci-fi B-movie it's a lot of fun. His character in this particular movie is only in a single scene, but it's...memorably strange. Which says something in a movie like this.

So uhm...yeah if this movie even sounds remotely interesting, check it out! I won't lie, the opening act does drag on and get kind of boring, but it also does a good job of easing you in to its visual style.

Well after some turmoil with trying to find and maintain a steady job, I seem to have hit some solid ground finally. My dad has started chemotherapy that will go on for a few weeks, followed by a surgery that will remove his bladder completely. The good news with that is that the doctors at this place can actually build him a new one, and he seems pretty excited about the prospect of having a "Frankenbladder", so we're just rolling with the positive vibes.

I've noticed I'm self-medicating a bit. Trying not to let that get out of control, though. Problem is therapy is several hundred dollars per session, with a waiting list that stretches out for several months, but if you have a valid ID that says you're 21+ years old, you also have a more immediate means to relax your nerves following a panic attack. Funny how that works, huh? Fortunately, I don't have enough money to develop a full on habit.

On the positive end, I'm planning a vacation for later this year. Crossing off a couple of bucket list items, and I'm going on this vacation come hell or high water. The only bit of advice I can give to people is if you have a goal that's fairly attainable, but costs sizeable bit of money, do whatever you can to achieve it. It's difficult when the costs of that goal get up to and over $1k, but consider that happiness is fleeting and you have the entire rest of your life to be miserable. Anything you can do, short of hurting yourself or others, that placates that misery is a worthwhile pursuit. It doesn't even have to be anything with a super expensive up-front cost either, but a new hobby that you want to try out. Scour the internet and find others who are into the hobby, ask questions, try shit out.

Some time ago, maybe it was last year but can't remember, I posted a journal about Christmas and the ever-famous Charles Dickens story "A Christmas Carol". I discussed the details and theme of the story and Scrooge's character development, and how I could really sympathize with his disposition towards the holiday. Obviously, this isn't the message to be taken from that particular story, but this is the year that I decided I'm done with the holiday. Probably Thanksgiving too, for that matter.

I'm not giving or requesting gifts after this year for the holiday and not observing it. I have touched on why before, but I'll discuss it a little. Around the holiday season is when tragedy seems to hit my family. One year, my cousin's aunt (who my side of the family was also very close to) had an aneurysm in her abdominal aorta that burst, and it happened the day after Christmas. Another year, near Thanksgiving, my cousin's husband died in his sleep suddenly. Another year my Grandma was diagnosed with cancer just before Christmas and it killed her very soon after. This year has not been fun.

I had to have Shadow put down just before Thanksgiving. His seizures got really bad, and it wasn't a gradual decline either. One day, he just started having them frequently. The day after that, he was having more than I could count, and I decided he wasn't suffering with that so I took him in and had it done. He was not himself, was confused, disoriented, and scared. Before that, even just a couple of minutes after having a seizure, he'd still be the affectionate cat he always was. Playful too.

Then I got hit with a bombshell. It hadn't been officially diagnosed yet, but his doctor told him it was pretty much a certainty that my dad has cancer. The really bad news is I was informed of this when he came to me needing me to take him to the ER because the symptoms it was causing had him seriously worried. The good news is the particular kind of cancer he has is "very common" and has a high survivability rate. Very high, in fact. This is a comfort, but it's a small comfort. My Grandma also had a cancer with a high survivability rate and successfully had it beat a few years before. It came back with a vengeance.

I don't really know how to describe why this makes me feel the way I do about the holidays. It's not that I hate Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. outright, it's that the association with bad stuff just makes it not fun and overly stressful. Adding to that, every year my family asks me what I want for Christmas and it gets more and more difficult to give them something to work with, because most of the things that I want and need are more expensive than I feel comfortable with asking for, and some of these are things that are useful more than fun or entertaining. That last part is fine, but that kind of shit also usually comes with a $50+ price tag and...yeah, I know it's a bit much to ask. So I have to rack my brain to come up with shit to write down on a fucking list to make my mom happy. The bottom line is it's become a kids' holiday, and I have no place in it.

The correlation with all of that makes it more stressful than it's worth, and I think this year deserves to die with a whimper and minimal acknowledgement, rather than a gracious send off.

Well the vet said that he can't provide a diagnosis, only a neurologist can. A neurologist who specializes in cats is a rare, and incredibly expensive thing, and I'm not going to give the estimate I was given for how much it would cost just to get a diagnosis, but it's a fucking lot. A whole lot more than I can afford. This isn't a journal asking for donations or anything. As sad as it makes me, this is just way too much to be able to handle financially. The good news is Shadow is still behaving as he normally does. He still plays and demands constant loving. The vet said there is a possibility that this will continue for quite some time, he still behaves normally but every now and then he has a seizure. He did tell me what sort of things to look for to know if his condition worsens, so I'll be keeping that in mind too.

Sorry I don't have better news, but it is what it is.

I didn't want to post anything until I had a better idea of what might be going on. One of my cats has been having seizures. The first one was in August and the second was almost a month later. Took him to the vet who checked him out and gave him some shots, thought it might be FIP. He said if he makes it 4-6 weeks without a seizure, the shots were working and it was treatable. If not, further testing will be needed, but prognosis isn't good. That was two weeks ago and he just had another seizure last night. So...yeah, that's a fun thing to deal with.

So this week, I learned that my employer has decided to outsource my department. This will be taking place November 1st, and we had a "meeting" today at work to discuss the transition. I put "meeting" in quotes, because the members of upper management who made this decision made themselves "available" to answer questions. The answer to most of the questions people had were "I dunno." and a shrug. Not even kidding. They didn't care, they knew we knew they didn't care, and they didn't care about that. If we so choose, we have the option of hiring onto the contractor that they outsourced to, but I'm not terribly confident in what I saw and heard today. I think I've pretty much made my mind up to just get another job elsewhere. I sure would have liked to get vested in my retirement benefits before taking this step, but I guess them's the breaks.

I hope our cocksucking member of upper management walk in on their spouses fucking/getting fucked by their dog(s).

Okay, so the light sensitivity following LASIK surgery is no joke! That SUCKED! But everything else has been great. I had my follow-up appointment this morning and I've got 20/20 vision in my right eye! My left eye is at 20/30, but as it continues to heal, that will improve. Pretty damn cool shit!

On Thursday, I will be undergoing either lasik or PRK surgery. With my glaucoma and allergies, I've decided this is the best route to take since my optometrist has confirmed that my eyesight has leveled out. I'll probably be completely offline for a couple of days following that as well, but my understanding is that the surgery and recovery isn't really a huge issue. Thank you all for your patience.

It wasn't intentional radio silence, I assure you! These past few month have zipped by. So, I have a number of updates for you all, some of them pretty major.

Starting off, I believe I informed you all that I've been diagnosed with Glaucoma and have been treating that. It's not a huge deal, but it sucks and requires diligence. The eye drops for it are incredibly irritating. That brings me to my first piece of big news. I normally wear contacts because glasses are incredibly uncomfortable to me. Even with the eye drops, I prefer contacts (though not by as big a margin). So, with that in mind, I broached the subject to my optometrist about my stabilized eyesight/prescription, and undergoing corrective eye surgery. She told me I am a good candidate for Lasik or PRK and gave me the info I needed to set up a consultation with a surgeon. The downside is, with this being an elective surgery, my insurance won't pay for it. However, a flex account solves many issues and my surgery is scheduled for early July.

Now, regarding the Glaucoma specifically, the first thing I did when I received the diagnosis was I got myself checked for Diabetes since I have a family history of it. This has been several months back, but that came back clear. The update to that bit of info is that, thanks to the loveliness that is the Texas heat, and the duties at my job that include cooking on a grill, I've been drinking A LOT more water than I normally do. Starting a little over a week ago, I began experiencing dizzy spells, nausea, and headaches. My doc told me it's time to get more labs done and check again for the 'betes, however there's also a pretty good chance that I'm experiencing withdrawals from a serious reduction in the caffeine and sugar I get from the number of sodas I drink. So these symptoms may actually be a good thing, and I think that may actually be what's going on. But if I am pre-diabetic or even full-on diabetic now, I do have a bit of a jump start on the necessary improvements to make sure life doesn't suck too bad.

Finally, a bit of smaller news, I did a thing. I went and got my eyebrow pierced. What brought on this decision? Well, I've always thought the eyebrow piercings were really cool, and I kept finding myself revisiting the idea until I asked myself "Wait, why didn't I ever get my eyebrow pierced?" I didn't really have an answer and thought on it and decided fuck it! I'm a grown-ass dude, I can do whatever I want. No regrets!

Anyways, those are the main things on my end. I wanted to let y'all know I'm still alive and kicking ass.

To the Ukrainians: Stay safe as best you can and do what you need to do to help your family and neighbors. What's happening isn't right, and everyone knows it.

To the Russians: I have seen a number of journals on here from users in Russia and all of them can be summarized as saying "I am horrified by what's going on, I'm so sorry. I don't want this, please stay safe." with some also providing links for donations to help the Ukrainian people. You are not your government, and it seems to me that Putin is not acting at all in the interests or wishes of the Russian people. Y'all stay safe too, but do what you can to help.

Thank you.

Those who are unaware, on the night of Dec. 10th, a large tornado with some of the highest windspeeds ever recorded tore a path of destruction that spans over 200 miles, through four states. It's said that the tornado maintained its strength for about 3 hours. The last time such a tornado occurred was the Tri-State Tornado in 1925. Appropriately, this tornado is already being referred to by meteorologists as the Quad-State Tornado. The states affected are Missouri, Kentucky, Arkansas, and Tennessee, with a city in Kentucky being one of the worst hit. In that particular city, last I heard, the death toll was at 50 and expected to rise.

While I'm fascinated by storms like this and am eager to look over the data gathered from it, it's also a bit much. We're currently experiencing a global pandemic also not seen for about 100 years, an economic crisis that's shaping up to be one of the worst since the Great Depression, and now this tornado. It's absolutely insane. Maybe we need to sacrifice a goat or something? Go back to the old heathen ways? I'm willing to give it a shot!

I've opted to avoid jumping on the bandwagon for the time being while waiting to see what comes from the investigation, but for those who don't know, while filming a Western called "Rust", actor Alec Baldwin was given a "prop" firearm that was declared "cold" (meaning no live ammunition, real, blanks, or otherwise) and a negligent discharge ensued that injured the director and killed another crew member. In the time since, it's been coming out that conditions on the set of that particular movie have been pretty horrific and the sheer level of incompetence had actually resulted in numerous negligent discharges from firearms that were supposed to have been "safe". Among other safety issues, the lead armorer on the project actually used their own personal firearms, which was used by themselves and other crew members to do recreational shooting between filming aaaaaand that crosses the line into a level of stupidity that is really just insane.

Alec Baldwin himself has also come under fire (pun intended) for his part in the incident. Part of the reason for this scrutiny in the gun community has to do with Baldwin's open anti-gun stance, which I think is in poor taste. His own history has also had a number of news sources implying that he shot the crew members intentionally, which is also in remarkably poor taste. What does give me pause though is that Baldwin is actually a producer on the project, which could mean a lot or it could mean shit. Producer and Executive Producer credits on movies are given out like candy to anyone who has even the smallest input on a film. But a big name actor like Baldwin also likely had more than just a little influence on the project and at the time of the incident, multiple crew members had actually walked from the project while citing safety issues. So it does sound to me like it's one of those issues where everyone who touched the "props" bear some culpability in the tragedy that happened.

Those are just my two cents and I could be very wrong.

This realization start to hit me through my role playing with some very close friends and from reading the works of various authors, including Stephen King and Tolkien. What I have come to realize is that world-building is reliant on a number of much smaller details. By that, I mean let's say that you have a story you're writing where a big war either has happened, is currently going on, or is imminent, and it's a given that wars are massive things that have world-altering impacts so it becomes important to plan out what major things lead to this war and have/will result from it. It can be incredibly overwhelming to try and plan out all those details, but there are other ways to go about it.

One of the more charming things I learned while reading The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings is that Hobbits LOVE to eat. Actually, that's inaccurate; Hobbits love food. That includes growing and cultivating plants, herbs, etc., preparing and cooking the food, and of course eating the food. The entire process is something they seem to enjoy, down to the last detail. Through that rather small and seemingly inconsequential piece of information, however, we learn that it doesn't take much to make Hobbits uncomfortable, as they do live quite sheltered lives where food is always a guarantee. As the individual Hobbits press on with their journey, discomfort sets in pretty quickly, but they remain determined to see their task through. Through that we learn that these characters, though easily made unhappy, will put much more urgent matters ahead of themselves and continue on. There weren't multiple, long paragraphs dedicated to exposition on how uncomfortable and miserable the Hobbits were through their journey, but instead some pleasantly paced and relaxed storytelling that shows the author knew that he didn't need to hit you over the head with blunt messages.

In short, what I've come to notice is that little details and little, seemingly inconsequential events, matter just as much as, if not more than, major details. How will a fictional war shape the fictional geo-political landscape? How does it affect politicians, generals, warlords, and all the other big wigs? Well...how does a war impact a peoples' day-to-day lives? What little annoyances does Jim have to deal with as an indirect result of the war? Maybe some luxuries he wants are harder to come by because the region where they are made, grown, or whatever is where the war is taking place. This shortage can impact how other things are made as well, like if the commodity in question is a particular spice, it will change the way that certain foods are prepared. Changing an ingredient in some dishes will actually completely change the dish itself. It seems like a small thing, but that small thing can have rather large repercussions.

Of course this is also reflected in real life. Sticking with small details, learning about SOF units in the military is a rather interesting thing because, as much fun as the larger-than-life tools, gadgets, etc. that they might use are, there are several smaller things that make a big difference. One thing that comes to mind is when I found and read the OSS manual on sabotage from WWII. When you think of sabotage, you think about fires being set, bombs being planted, and other rather overt actions to stop the enemy in their tracks. However this particular manual cautions against such actions, unless there is an urgent need to stop everything right at that moment. The manual stresses that those actions will make the operatives' activities come under close scrutiny at the very least, but their entire operation may become compromised. So what does this manual recommend? It's pretty much a guide on how to be the most incompetent, shit-heel employee. The slogan of the Saboteur is "Oops!"

Little things are incredibly important in world building. They can also be much more relatable, easy to describe, and they help to shape larger things!