I feel dizzy, like I might pass out...
Anyone wanna talk on Discord? Tag is on my profile...

I feel like some people go out of their way just to be mean to me...

My stomach hurts, I keep farting and it stinks...

I wish there was something I could do...

Well, today's my birthday. I was watching some videos a few days ago and I kinda think I understand what might be wrong with me now. The video was about the difference between psychopaths and sociopaths, and they mentioned one trait a sociopath has that I think I have. The trait I think I have is that I understand the difference between right and wrong, but I think of it differently than normal people. For instance, I had one friend who harrassed me over something I didn't feel was wrong at all, and one of my best friends was friends with them. I had asked my best friend to leave that person (who was one of their best friends), because I felt she didn't deserve to have a friend who harrassed others like that, and I also feared that "friend" would harrass them as well. This was a bad move, and she eventually left me because I messed up so much. I was hoping she might try to be my friend again for my birthday, and I've been sad about it since last year. Another way I messed up was the last time we were Role-playing, she had said she wasn't enjoying it and I didn't properly think how to respond and made the stupid mistake of telling her I was enjoying it rather than asking her something such as what was wrong or how I could make it more enjoyable. Recently I've kinda been having dreams that I might see them again soon, but I'm not sure when. I would often go to sleep and cry, seeing myself as a failure. Anyway, I'll just say I'm glad it's my birthday, but it just feels like every other day. I hope I get lots of love, but I'm not really expecting any, because everyone just seems disinterested in me...

I wish I didn't have to sit here and suffer...

I feel like all my friends hate me.
I wish there was some way to fix this...

Someone from the internet actually mailed something to my house.

My head hurts and I'm gonna go to bed.
I'm getting PTSD reading my old notes...

I wish I hadn't messed up... :(

People want to leave me because they believe I only care about myself, and I feel horrible about it. But, the truth is I seem like I don't care about others because I feel as if they don't care about me... :(

I just wish things could have been different...

Just gonna cry myself to sleep like every day...

So, this is to those people who libel me incessantly and blatantly accuse me of things based off of personal beliefs rather than proven facts. To them, I say this.

There will ALWAYS be someone out there that's better than you. And, they will come out and prove it. You may think you're a nice person and have a good reputation among your peers, but you'll slip up one day, like how I did when you got offended by me, and get justice for your social crimes. Of course, we all may make mistakes, but a good soul who slips up and acknowledges his mistakes will be forgiven, while a scumbag who wants to hurt people for their mistakes and call them out will be more similar to a drama siren than a true human. I don't wish to be involved in any "scandals" you try to impose on me, but what I do wish is for you to stop hurting my friends too. The only problem is I don't think they realize if you're actually hurting them. And, as another note, libeling someone to make them sound like garbage makes you no different than them. When I saw what you wrote about me, I analyzed it carefully and noticed you wrote it no differently than how you described me. In other words, you did the exact things you accused me of while writing it. I don't really want to say anything about it now because I don't want to be involved in this scandal, but I thought I might as well leave a message if I have to.

I'm going to bed...

My heart hurts and and I feel like crying...

(Note a week later: I meant to put head, but for some reason my phone corrected it to that...)

Someone on Discord has been telling me that I've been harassing people. To be honest, I never tried to harass anyone. I just wanted to be friends and have fun, but there are things about society I really don't understand. I am just trying to figure out what happened here, but apparently nothing's helping. Someone said that I've been harassing them for art and sending butt images, but that isn't necessarily true. I'm just looking for people who take requests so maybe I can have a few done. This person sent me a screenshot of what they said on their discord server, but they blurred the name and icon so I have no idea who said it. I tried to investigate but this person called bullshit on everything I tried to say like I'm some sort of liar despite the fact we just met each other. He said I harassed their friends, but he didn't say anything about who it was these friends were. Most likely I don't even know any of those people and they all just want to start a fight on me because someone else said something against me. Whatever it is, I'm sorry for what I did, but I don't know what the point is if I don't know what I'm sorry for, because everyone is just making anonymous allegations against me but they simply aren't true. (EX: Saying I constantly send them butt pics when it used to happen and acting like it's still happening despite the fact nobody even talks to me anymore.) I feel violated with all these people constantly accusing me, rumormongering about me, and libeling me over the past. They are making me feel like I don't want to live anymore, but I just keep living because I at least have some friends and I don't want to leave them behind... But, I do miss some of my old friends... Maybe I should just go to bed and wait this out, I wish I could just wake up and see my friends supporting me. I wish people knew how depressed I feel. I'm crying right now as I write this, I just hope it gets better...

I'm sad...
Reflecting over things that happened...

Worst day so far, I'm currently in bed crying...
Everyone else is too busy dealing with their own problems or offline to even talk with me.

Gonna go to bed and cry, like every day...

Been feeling sad all day...

Owww...
I wish I could go to sleep and have everything back to normal...

This journal is an attempt to explain how I feel, if I make any mistakes in this journal or apparently leave something out, please don't take it as if I'm lying. I have trouble remembering things and stuff, so please bear with me. So, I think I'm often very misunderstood, and I also have trouble understanding things. It seems when I talk to people and they attempt to get to know me, all they end up doing is seeing the mistakes I've made, and then end up seeing me as a mistake rather than trying to look past those mistakes and see me as a person. Those that do try to help don't seem to take into account that I have trouble understanding things, and just end up giving up on me because they believe I'm hopeless. I know I can't be the only one going through this. I've had some people blame me saying it's all my fault when they've made the same mistakes as well, and I've also had people apologize for everything they've done wrong, only to end up repeating it months later... I forgive those people who are just going through a rough time with me and stuff, and I'm sorry if I messed anything up. But, I don't forgive any of those people who incessantly libel me, or agree to any of the bad things those who libeled me said about me, especially those who have threatened to kill me. I can't help but feel as if I messed up, but it seems a lot of the shit that happened was either because I was unable to communicate properly, or I did something stupid either without thinking about the consequences, or I did think about the consequences but ended up with a different result rather than what was anticipated. I may have brought all this shit on myself, but it doesn't mean that I had intended to bring it down on me. I know that we all do make mistakes, but can't we just look past other's mistakes and try to get along? I know I might be hard to deal with in some cases, but it's because I have a mental disorder which makes me smart, although I have trouble communicating. I try my best to communicate, but I can't help but mess things up. I do have some friends that do acknowledge I mess up, but they don't hate me for it. Why can't I just be normal, and not mess things up? There's no such thing as being normal, and we all do make mistakes, it's just that we have to learn from them, yet sometimes we have trouble learning from them too. I feel like I'm just gonna be sitting here lonely all the time since I nearly lost everyone, and I'm just hoping I can get along with someone. Anyone want to join my Discord server? Just PM me if you do...