The other day I was given a rare opportunity. You see, in my line of work, I get to play with certain toys that would make most Call of Duty players do triple back flips into pits of syringe needles to trade places with me. It's one of the many perks that my job has, and I'm quite grateful for them. That being said, on that particular day I was given a M249 rapid assault rifle (rapid assault rifle, not LMG), 400 rounds, and an objective: The enemy squad.

As I'm still in training, they feel the need to show me how to do stuff that I'm simply going to be retaught at a RTC (regional training center) before I get deployed. Not that I mind of course. Getting to run around with 20 pounds of pure daddy issues and enough rounds to turn most buildings into Swiss cheese isn't exactly something to complain about. Additionally, the M249 is more awkward to carry than a seizure prone baby holding a knife, so no one really cares how you hold as the thing as you get from point A to point B as long as you get to point B. This, combined with the objective and my positioning made for some good old fashioned Air Force hilarities.

The plan was simple. An enemy squad was lying wait in ambush. Knowing that they had terrain advantage like none other, the Bravo fire team leader decided to take his team and walk in the general direction of where the ambush would most likely be. The other 2 teams we're put 200 meters away on either side of them as support fire for when the proverbial fecal matter hit the rotating blades. All in all, it was a good plan. A good plan that was made better by the fact that the gank came from my side.

The M249 gunner has a simple role. Bunker the hell down somewhere safe and put out a wall of lead thick enough that radiation couldn't even make it through. Unfortunately, such a role requires the M249 gunner to let the enemy come to them, not vice versa. Seeing as we were set to move to support the bait, we didn't exactly have the ability to bunker down somewhere. This meant that I would be lugging the weapon I so lovingly named Tyrant all the way to the enemy; And what better way to do that than with one hand on the trigger, and one hand on the carrying handle.

We arrive at the position only to discover that we have literally no time to set up defenses, go prone, or really do much of anything other than unload on the cocky sods who didn't think to have someone watching their backs. This was all well and good for the rest of the team as they were all trudging around with M4s. For me however, I had to think of something fast. The enemy would soon see us unloading on their flanks, and the ground was thickly woven with thorn bushes, so a rapid prone was beyond my current capacities. What was I to do?

Thinking fast, I tucked the gun to my hip, gripped the carrying handle for all it was worth, and squeezed that trigger as if doing so would hold back the apocalypse. It was beautiful. Standing amongst the defeated dead and dying, I swiveled and turned my body to unleash Hell's fury upon the enemy team. For 16.4 seconds, I was an unstoppable killing machine.

Unfortunately, hip firing a large fire arm isn't exactly something that resides within Air Force protocol. Fortunately, my instructor at the time had heard me scream “OOTINI” at the top of my lungs and was too busy laughing at the display to really care that I had committed a cardinal sin. I was set free with a slap on the wrist and a pat on the back and finished the day quite content with myself.

Moral of the story: Almost every job in the Air Force has something awesome to it. Even if you're doing something like Security Forces despite your 114 DLAB score, you'll find something you like about it eventually.

So, to those of ye who still have a cognitive memory of who I am, I'm a bit of a writer.

Scratch that, I'm a damn good writer. In fact, I'm a baby shaking, zombie punching, piranha nomming, amazing writer. One of the best in the business (as long as you don't look at my grammar too closely).

Anyway, I've decided that extra money is great and that people seem to pay outrageous amounts of it for fan-fics. Now to be honest, fan-fics are on my list of things that I'd never want to do, just above creating a my little pony stencil and selling 5 dollar MLP badges (seriously, do grown men really watch that garbage? Damn, just google Princess Knight Catue or something). That being said, Money > Pride.

So, if anyone wants a fanfic written, or knows someone who does, hook me up and we can talk details.

I'm thinking 1 dollar per 100 words is about fair.

I just got my base where I'll be stationed the next 3 years.

Moody AFB, Georgia.

What does this mean?

I'm Air Force Spec Ops!

Actually, no. Spec Ops is TACP (glorified trackers) CCT (glorified Air Traffic Controllers) and Pararescue (Pretty epic actually).

My job? Probably somewhere along the lines of:
Phoenix Raven Squad: I land in hostile territory and play security in a very frightening enviroment.
EST: Basically SWAT for the air-force.
Counter-Sniper: Pretty self explanatory.

Long story short? I get to be a bad ass? Down side? I have four years of rapid deployment and I'm recently married. So much for being there for me wife.

Nae too long ago I went on a little hiatus from the world of furryism. Here's what ye missed.

I joined the air force, got married to me best mate's older sister (while tah sodded dog was in Africa or something), moved to Utah, got into a fight with a few Mormons about being overly critical of others, got shipped to basic training, kicked basic training in the teeth, got me comfy cyberspace job replaced with security forces because I told the job lady she smelled like kitty litter, and am now chilling in a freaking bomb shelter for the next four months as I wait to finish this sodded training.

I also bought a kilt.

Now then, I have to update my account, play some corpse party, watch brave heart, and go to bed sometime before 2 am so that I can get up at 5 and be a smart mouth for 12 hours straight.

Alright, I've reached the point where I cannot sit out on this political game anymore. I have no need of money, no desires for credibility, I simply want to work.

I'm going to expand my horizons using the only damn thing I have, my pen. In a few days I will be open for commissions. What will I be writing? Need a nasty letter sent to someone who has offended you? Need a sappy love letter? Need a reaaaally good apology? Want someone to troll an entire social group for you through an intellectually yet degrading written piece? I'm doing it all. Stories, reviews (of just about everything), miscellaneous tidbits, I will be open for it all (but so help me if any of you request tentacle porn).

However, I need an artist. I need an artist for my new display image. I'm giving 48-72 hours (the sooner you get it done, the more awesome), and $20 to the best artist who can do a upper torso view of my fursona looking like a snarky cynical editor. Flat color is preferred, and you better have some damn good art work if you're charging me twenty for an ink and a b&w shade.

Also, five dollars for the person (doesn't have to be the same) you can make a 100x100 icon for my avatar, that will double as my icon for all my submitted work.

Go, if you can't do it, have someone contact me who can. My pen is a'blazing, and I am raring to do some written work.

So, for those of you who don't, I've been working on a review series called "no fetish is sacred", and while working on the second commission that bases around the vore fantasy, toybox's best friend came on on pandora. Now, this was great, but the moment I started typing about what happens when flesh meets stomach acid tue line "he tickles in my tummy" started blasting.

I spit my tea out and lollerballed. Well played interwebs, well played.

So, I remember a time in my life when I went to someones house and could expect a general concencious of the toilet paper grading anywhere from 1-3 ply depending on if I was in a mansion or a trailer. It was a chill time in my life.

Nowadays, I am not entirely sure if Im going to be wiping my butt with sand paper that rest stops from a friday the 13th movie wouldnt use, or a 2 inch thick quilt of destiny. Basically, it sucks and I want my good ol' fashioned 2 ply back. Not some crap with lotion in it, poop magnetic material, rump-sensitive non tearing cotton picked by asian children, or any of that other crap (no pun intended).

So, anybody know where I can find some good ol fashion 2 ply that I dont have to buy from costco, or go into some retarded wal mart?

Title basically said it all. Anyone who can actually speak german or knows someone who can can forward them to me xD.

So, the last few days Ive noticed an insane amount of vore artwork. Guess what's gonna be the next NFIS! Btw, the scat nfis is about 30% compete, only had about an hour to work on it, and I had to revise it.

Seriously, dont show love through cannibalism, its weird.

First off, I need someone to makea thumbnail for the series I'm doing called "no fetish is sacred". It literally only needs to be NFIS in some creative way. It will be the thumbnails for my reviw series that roasts all fetishes (coming soon). Whoever does it will always be.related as the artist who drew the thumbnail.

Secondly, if I was a card, who'd I be? Personally, Im personal to the jacks of hearts and clubs, but thats me. Your call.

Lastly, go watch Tangled!

So, Ive been debating for a little while the idea of making a comedy series to poke fun at weird fetishes. Was planning on naming it: no fetish is sacred.

Basically its a negative opinion on any fetish you can think of. Latex to scat, and vore to lolicon. Dont care if its even a fetish of mine, everyhing will be loaded into and brought to the ground.

Opinion time.

So my sister owns an irish wolf hound. Good dog, bit dumb, but good heart. Sometimes she has me come over and baby sit him. Seeing as I occasionally need time to get away and get to work on commissions and she has netflix, I dont really mind.

The effing dog just crapped all over my leg.

Here I am, lying on the couch, trying to get my love story done for blue when he jumps up. Now the irish wolf hound is the biggest dog in the world, and he weighs more than I do. Not that I care, he generally just cuddles.

Suddenly, righ as I am getting to the part where the two main characters lose themselves to a throw of undewater ecstacy my leg gets really warm. Looking down, I notice the biggest load of liquid dog fecal matterI have ever seen, on my leg.

Worst thing is, the dog has been sick lately, so his crap has been puss ridden.

I basically undid my pants and slid out of them before throwing up on her back porch. Gonna be fun to drive home with no pants.

(to those of you who dont understand mormon termonology, just pretend the things you dont understand are super important to me).

So, I am in church today, and its all good and dandy, except the second counselor to the stake president is there.

Normally not a bad thing. But see, I am a returned missionary who went home just a tad bit early (generally major shame) for reasons not a single person knows (I keep hush hush despite it being an honorable release). Now, this also wouldnt matter, if not for the fact that his daugter is the ex love of my life and I had spent every single day at her house hanging out with her (up until she got engaged and broke my sorry heart) before my mission. Needless to say, he knows me well, and for insecure reasons, I love that family and dont want them thinking less of me for coming home (generally not a big deal, but still. Its a personal thing.)

So, as soon as sacrament was done with I b line it for the door when he cuts me off and is all "sorry to hear about your early return"

"it happens" would have been a great thing to say. Unfortunately, my tongue slipped and well, "shit happens".

Not something you say to your stake presidents counselor, fail on me.

Alright, when I can finally get around to them, here be the commissions I owe you lovely people.

#1: ww2 romance between a russian and a town girl, kawaiixteddy or so has that.
#2: dnd based story for howstrange
#3: nikon and urbanhippo would both like an aquatic love story, luckily they both want the same one xD).
#4: kyubi, when he gives me a solid idea for a story gets his.

If I forgot you, please say so.

Also, for the time being I am on a touch screen keyboard, so work speed is thirded. Working to change that, but bear with me.

No, seriously. I went as long as I could not posting something in this thing, because I knew the second I did, it would be filled in a week with more useless crap than snookie's twitter. Now, just like I knew I would, I am posting every time I fart in this stupid thing, and making a daily journal which makes what I have to say all the less interesting because I have something to say every day.

But in all honesty, in a bit of a whiny mood. Usual good cheer has taken the back seat tonight due to a mental disorder called "try to do everything for everyone" that I have (hadnt even rolled out of bed after four hours of sleep and I was in some dude's car going to snow shovel random ware houses). On top of that, my paranoia is acting up big time and I just feel alone. I will be a big boy about it come tomorrow, but tonight I am a mess.

So, all internet activity is put on heavy dlay while I am in Germany. Not because I want to, but because my uncle has a pay by the hour connection xD.

So, all plans are post poned and stuff till I get back on the 29th, and even then probably till the start of the new year.

Still, pm me if you want to talk, or if you are.in Germany right nao and want to send pants to someone who forgot to pack his own for a week long trip, just holla.

Ai, so for reasons unknown to me I realize that I need to create a portfolio as a writer, and seeing as this next year is going to have me flying back and forth from anchorage to north carolina if I get a job fixing siemens equipment, I wont have that much time to do that much work on it. So, I need comishions nao.

Note me, or comment here on a story you'd like me to bring to life and I will do it. I like art trades, but I wont ask for anything in exchange (seeing as you lot will be helping me out). Also, no sex. I do not care if it is the most epic tentacle, prego, inflation, macro slave master story of all time, if you insist, I will rewrite it and you might not like the results. Sorry, personal moral of mine (yeah, copper has morals, shut up).

Now get to commishioning.

Ai. So from saturday until december 29th i will be in germany. I will do my best to update but yeah, if after the 18th i dont update for a while, you know why.