Hey Everyone!

Sorry it's been so long since a proper check in, but... Things have been happening behind the scenes that have kept me busy. To make things (hopefully) simple, I'll give you the bullet points version of some of the major events from the last two years:

1.) I've been going to therapy to unpack my gender identity and my struggles with my depression/anxiety/ADHD.

2.) Accepted myself as a trans woman (#TransRightsAreHumanRights, #TransWomenAreWomen)!

3.) Started HRT on Feb. 25th, 2021, and it was the best decision I've ever made! I love the person I'm seeing in the mirror now, watching myself slowly become the woman I've always been inside.

4.) I started playing D&D with some new friends, and even began making and self-publishing my own homebrew content over on DMsGuild under the alias "The Sphinx Library." I collab with  amara_burrger on cover art and sometimes with mechanical and concept stuff.

5.) I came out to my parents a couple months ago. They did NOT accept me and have been very rude to me since then, refusing to use my name and pronouns, consistently deadnaming me, making my coming out all about them and how it effected them, and constantly trying to use disproved and inaccurate research to belittle me and try to force me to stop transitioning because it makes them uncomfortable, despite starting HRT and accepting myself being one of the best things to happen to me and improving my mental health.

6.) I moved from Oklahoma to Baltimore, MD over the weekend. Seeing the increase in anti-trans and anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation in the South lately, I saw the writing on the walls and wanted to find a way to leave. A couple friends in Baltimore offered to put me up for a bit until I can find my footing here and get my own place, and I took their offer. A friend helped me get a Uhaul, and another (my oldest friend and the first one who I came out to, who accepted me from the get-go) helped me load it up before I left. 20+ hours later, I got to Baltimore. As of this writing, I still haven't told my parents. It's just been so overwhelming and stressful that I've been trying to decompress and take things slowly as I get used to living in this new place.

7.) I might start streaming at some point once I get settled. This VTuber thing has been really cool to watch explode recently, so I've been thinking about throwing my hat in the ring, so to speak.

I'll be trying to get better about posting stuff here again, though with everything that's happening lately post-move to Baltimore, I don't want to make any promises. Just wanted to let everyone know what's been going on as of late. I hope you've all been doing well, and I'll look forward to talking with you all again soon. Stay safe out there, stay awesome, take care of yourselves and each other, and keep up the amazing work, everybody.

- Lena.

Hey everybody!

Short journal this time, but I'm sure by now ya'll have seen my new fursona, the charr gal from the Iron Legion? I still need to pick up GW2 and play through, though at the moment I'm planning on playing an Engineer (spec'ing into Scrapper later on to try out being a Tank, as I'm usually DPS) or maybe an Elementalist (Tempest). Right now though, what I'm wondering about is the spelling for her name, and which fits better.

Korra was initially what I'd gone for because, well, I like that name and I couldn't really think of anything that sounded like it fit the general naming conventions for charr at the time and I really wanted to upload the pic' of her because of how excited I was to have a fursona again. Then I got the latest version of her (the slender variant, i.e. standard furry/anthro, lol XD), and the artist labeled the file as "Khora," like the Warframe, and I thought, "Ya know, that kind of fits charr naming conventions a little better and it looks really neat too." So, now I'm stuck because I like both spellings, but I don't know which fits her better XD

Anyhow, that's my primary quandary at the moment, nothing major really. So, what do you guys think? Korra or Khora?

I will also say that I'm super happy to have a fursona to represent myself again, it feels really good to be a cat again :D

But yeah, naming conventions aside, that's really all I had for this journal. Hope you guys are having a good day out there so far, and I look forward to chatting with you again soon. Until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work!

Hey gang, we got a happier journal for once! Lol XD

Seriously though, the last 48 hours have been... Well, they've been pretty damn good.

I took an extra day off work to do some thinking, and wound up with a new fursona that I'm pretty sure everybody's seen by now: Korra Flintclaw of the Iron Legion. I'll admit, I've not really played Guild Wars 2 before, but I've always like the design of the charr in general, and I've thought their lore was pretty cool too. So I took a chance, things lined up just right to where I managed to get a raffle sketch of her, and honestly, I love how her design turned out! Plus, after all this time, it just feels good to have a fursona again, to be a cat again.

And speaking of taking an extra day, I feel like that was good for my mental health. After the last journal, I did some thinking on some of the stuff that was said, the topics that were brought up, and I realized that I've been going about things all the wrong way. I've been looking at things as though it were a race, that I needed to get things in order and accomplished before I turn 30 next year, while I'm still "young and beautiful," that I need to accomplish something with my 20s or else I've wasted them, that I need to be at a similar level to my peers or on the way to it. And honestly, looking back, that mindset was wildly unhealthy, especially when applied to something as literally life-changing as transitioning.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to still be questioning myself, or am I ruling everything out. What I'm saying is that, as an overthinker, I was rushing headlong into something I was honestly not ready for on multiple levels, and I'm glad that I took the time to breathe, look at myself and my feelings, and just let myself be. I've realized that I need to slow down more often, not force myself to conform to what I think that I need to accomplish based on some of the admittedly unrealistic expectations I've been setting for myself, whether it be in regards to my career, my relationship status, or yes, even my own mental well-being and how I identify as an individual. My Mom and Sister said that talking to them this weekend was a "God moment" because of how it kept me from going down a path I wasn't really ready for, and while I don't 100% agree on that assessment, I can find some agreement with the sentiment at least.

I let myself breathe for the first time in a long time after holding it in for years.

And honestly, after all that, I've had the best sleep these last two nights that I've had in ages.

Again, this doesn't mean I'm reversing course on the progress I've made with being more open with myself, just that I'm going to be taking things at a more even pace than before, thinking all avenues through before jumping to conclusions without really taking a step back to consider whether or not I can see this being for me. And I'm certainly not going to stop getting art of things that I enjoy- like my new fursona, TFTG stuff, sexy pics, etcetera- or stop looking into myself, or that I'm going to stop being an ally/advocate for the LGBTQ+ community. Just that, as far as my own personal growth goes, I'm going to try and set my own pace, rather than feel like I need to match someone else's.

To be cheesy and quote the newest League of Legends animation (yet another game I don't play), "Even the wind has a path."

But yeah, I just... Figured I'd share that, I suppose. Hopefully you guys don't mind be being real with you like I have recently. I guess, or at least I'd hope, that I'm growing more comfortable with myself as a person and a member of the furry fandom to be able to open up like this. If I can cap off this journal with anything, it's that we need to normalize letting ourselves breathe and giving ourselves time to find ourselves on our own terms, not those of the world or people around us, because what's considered "normal" is utter crap and I think we of all people know that.

Anyhow, that's enough philosophy for one Journal. Hope you guys don't mind the rambling, and that you like my new charr gal! I'm gonna be looking into potentially giving GW2 a shot, so who knows, you might see a certain hammer-swinging lioness about at some point in the game, lol XD. Until next time though, take care of yourselves out there, gang. Stay safe, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work!

So, I talked to my little sister last night about... Everything, that I've been dealing with privately for the past several years.

Apparently I'm really transparent whenever I want to talk about something and want someone to ask me about it, according to her.

Now, in the aftermath... I don't really know what to feel or think really. I was so tense that whole evening that I feel ache-y right now. Ache-y and riddled with anxiety and doubts.

She asked a lot of questions, as someone who has a psychology degree would. She wanted to know whether this started before or after my first girlfriend and I broke up, whether it might be because I'd been "kiddy fiddled" when I was younger, whether it might be because I've never really experienced an intimate relationship or attachment (or had sex) because of how bad my record is with dating, things like that. She told me that she's not going to tell my parents because, "it's not [her] conversation to have," but she wants me to reach out more to the local LGBTQ+ community if I'm really going to go through with everything like I've talked about, because in her words, just having one friend to fall back on isn't going to cut it. And she's pretty sure my Dad's going to "stroke out" whenever I tell him and will likely disown me. Apparently, my telling them that I was gay would've been easier for them to take than being trans.

She also said something that, honestly, was a good point.

They always reach out to me to try and include me in things, try to have me as part of their lives. But I always push them away, more often than not because they make me uncomfortable because of a couple of things and I'd rather find an excuse to avoid an uncomfortable situation/person rather than confront it. And the conversation with them about my struggles with my identity is going to probably be the most uncomfortable one of all, one I won't be able to find an excuse out of if I go through with it. They've made the effort to try and include me in their lives, they love me so much and my pushing them away hurts them, and I've let my fears about how they would react if they ever found out about me continue to push and push them further away, and now what would have been a smaller hurtle to acceptance earlier has widened into a chasm. They still love me and want me around, but the potential for acceptance coming out has gotten slimmer and slimmer, and I'm the one that made that happen.

All because of fear.

And now, I'm in a place where I'm back to doubting myself again. Is this really what I want? Do I want to keep pushing my family away from me because I'm scared of them? Do I want to change who I am because I genuinely truly feel this way- and trust me, the fantasies and daydreams and interest in this stuff hasn't stopped- or because I haven't taken the opportunity to really look at it from every angle and have some serious self-reflection outside the echo chamber of close friends that I love dearly, and apart from the fears that have kept me suffering in silence? Am I really ready to be apart from my family when I've relied on them being there for me my whole life? Am I such a drama queen that I subconsciously try to broadcast my discomfort to others and then pretend like nothing's wrong, leading people on? Can I really make the effort that I need to make in order to move forward if I decide to go through with this, to live on my own without them to fall back on when things get tough because they won't want to be there for me?

I honestly don't know.

Right now, maybe I need to take some smaller steps than I have been. I rushed into this because I feel like I need to take greater strides, but honestly, this is something that can start at any time. Hell, Strype started when she was what, 38? Just because I'm afraid of it being too late doesn't mean I need to charge in head-long without first putting a solid plan in motion and having a support system to back me up.

For now though, this journal's starting to get long, and I know ya'll are probably tired of these doom-and-gloom entries. Hopefully something good happens that'll offset all this 'woe-is-me' negativity that I've been going through as of late. I certainly hope it does. I mean, my sister didn't outright hate me or threaten to kill me or anything, so I suppose that's something, and having something to think about isn't a bad thing either.

Anyhow, that's it for me now. Talk to you all later. Stay safe out there, and stay awesome!

All I wanna do right now is commission art of character ideas that I make up as a means of escaping my current hell-pit of an existence where I can't get hired in something in my degree field that'll let me sever ties with my conservative parents who I'm convinced will hate me when I come out and tell them that I want to transition and become a woman so I make characters that are trans and have successfully transitioned or get TFTG'd as a form of escapism, yet whenever I try to work up the courage to commission artists they either aren't open, don't take commissions, or I worry that I'm being a nuisance/annoying them just by asking and then I also start getting into a brain-lock-up as every idea I've had for ages starts competing for dominance and I worry whether or not it's frivolous to get art of something I'll never get to play in an RPG or won't use as often, and then I worry about spending money on something if it's really pricey because I keep thinking about what if I need it for a rainy day or if my parents disown me and I can't pay my bills and still want to transition but can't because of a lack of funds and hooray the spiral's back wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee down the depression hole I goooooooo!!

Yup.

That's my brain when trying to make myself do something for myself.

Add the fact that the world is being turned into a literal burning, disease-riddled Hellscape by a bunch of rich idiots who can dupe the drooling masses to believe they actually follow their contradictor feel-good coloring book, that I got passed over for a teaching position I was hoping to get because it'd be a way out of my current job that would get me somewhere more financially stable that I wouldn't hate with every fiber of my being and wouldn't fuel my depression screaming hidden behind that veneer of hopeful optimism every waking moment, that more and more my folks are showing me that if and when I do come out to them and tell them that I want to transition I'm likely to lose my family that raised me and supposedly loves me... Yeah, I'm admittedly not in the best place at the moment.

Hence the run-on sentences for venting that would normally make the English Lit. Major within me cringe to no end, but the creative writer within me somewhat proud of my stream-of-consciousness writing.

Apologies that my first journal in months is something raw and emotional rather than the usual optimism or plug to help a friend. Executive Dysfunction, Dysphoria, Depression, and Anxiety are the worst cocktail to have, especially in a time like the one the world finds itself in, particularly America, where we find ourselves run by a gaggle of brain-dead chihuahuas headed up by a coke-fiend orangutan that's recently had a stroke.

Hopefully things will be better soon. (There's that optimism again, trying to peek through)

In the meantime, might delete this later, but for now, it is what it is. Talk to you all again later.

- Lena.

Hey everybody,

Things are a little hectic right now, what with... Well, I don't think I need to really give a summation of the sheer amount of insanity currently plaguing the planet. Times are weird, have been for about three years now, and it seems like they're just gonna get even weirder from here on out. Hopefully this crisis starts some much needed conversations, changes some hardened hearts towards improving the lives of their fellow humans, makes us more conscious of one another and more accepting of change as is needed to improve things for the good of all. Because, at the end of the day, it's all just us, in here, together. We are all we've got.

Its a little scary at the moment, not knowing what is going to happen like this. We're doing our best to follow the old British-ism (so to speak) of "Keep calm and carry on," being mindful of the crisis at hand and doing our best to prevent against it in the absence of real leadership and responsibility, but attempting to ensure it doesn't slow us down or keep us in so much fear that we cease to function. It's going to be a tough period the next couple of months, but we'll do our best to weather it. I know I'll be doing what I can to keep my anxiety down and as positive an outlook on things as I can going forward.

That said, I wanted to boost something that a friend is putting out into the art-scape that might unfortunately get lost in the kerfuffle of current affairs. As I'm sure some of you know, March is the month of March Needs Moms meme/prompt, and now more than ever, we need moms out there providing us with love and common sense amid these tough times. So, my good friend  amara_burrger is currently running this downright gorgeous adoptable red panda mom for those who want to claim her and give her a good home, as seen HERE: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35515610/

Seriously, she's so freaking cute and huggable!

Please consider potentially throwing your hat in the ring on this one, she deserves to go to a good home and bring some comfort and hope to those who might be needing it in the current atmosphere. And if it's not your thing or you can't bid for one reason or another, please consider sharing the link around for those who might want to add a little motherly love to their lives. I'd really appreciate it, and I know Amara would as well!

I hope you all are doing well out there and are in good spirits in the face of these trying times. Again, please consider the adoptable above, either through a bid or sharing it around, it'd mean a lot for both myself and Amara for her to go to a good home, and you'd help out a friend who really needs it during this current weirdness going on in the world. I'll hopefully have another journal up sometime soon; until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work, everybody. Oh, and remember to WASH YOUR HANDS!!

- Lena.

Greetings everyone, today's my birthday!

So... Yeah, I'm 29 today. Not really much to say on the matter except, well, things feel... Different, than previous years, I suppose. In the past, though especially after I started questioning my gender identity in secret, birthdays were spent keeping the mask up and appearing happy and content for the sake of family and friends, while quietly mourning that another year had gone by where I hadn't done anything to address my feelings of being transgender and that I was "running out of time" in regards to making progress towards transitioning or feeling better about myself.

This year though? It's oddly different than before. There's still some sadness there of another year being as I am currently, but now? After having started to take steps towards a goal that has been silently languishing out of fear, paranoia, and doubt this whole time? There's a bit of light shining through that makes it easier to bear. Like, it's not about what I've failed to accomplish in the past, but rather what I am going to accomplish going forward.

I didn't mention it in my last journal, but I started seeing a licensed gender therapist a couple weeks ago. They have been nothing but open and welcoming to me, and it feels so good to be able to air the feelings, fears, insecurities, and desires that I've had to keep hidden for so long out, lest others find out and judge me for it. In this judgement-free environment, I've been able to explore more of myself, and in only two sessions there's been a lot that I've started realizing. Not only that, but according to my coworkers- who are still in the dark about my being trans but know I've been seeing a therapist for my anxiety (which is partially why I've been going too)- I look happier than usual, and in a lot of ways I've seen my mood start to improve as well.

All this in mind, this year, I'm a little more optimistic on my birthday than I've been in the past. I still have some things in my life that I'd prefer to be better, and I have a ways to go in addressing them and working towards future goals. But that I've taken steps to improve myself at all have apparently given me pause for thought. Maybe even hope that things will actually start getting better.

I hope this journal finds you all well, and I look forward to talking with you again in the future. Until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work!

- Lena.

Hey everybody,

Wow, crazy couple of days, huh?

I know everyone's still recovering from some little asshole trying to ruin the fun for kicks, but we can't let that stop us. This community's bounced back from worse in the past, we're resilient, strong, accepting, and tenacious. I can understand that the paranoia and unease is strong now after having gone through that, but take heart! As I said, we've come back from this before, and it's only made us stronger. Granted, the site could stand to get some better security to guard against this kind of thing, but that we're back and taking more steps to prevent it is good news all the same. We're gonna get through this, everyone, promise.

Anyhow, now that you're all hopefully feeling a little more better and at ease with everything back and all, I wanna help plug a friend who's been affected by this whole thing.  amara_burrger is currently holding a YCH art auction for a beautiful, sexy, and silly piece that I'd hope you all would consider checking out and bidding on. And, if it doesn't float your boat, please consider sharing it so that it can get some visibility! After all that's happened to FA, it's hard for stuff like this to get off the ground and be seen by those who might be into it. Still, this was an 8+ hour labor of love, and it shows in every brushstroke, and I'll be damned if I can't do my best to promote it so that it can get the love it deserves!

Check it out here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/35125801/

Again, please consider taking a look at this piece, it'd mean a lot to me and Amara. Hopefully I'll have another journal for you all soon. Things are happening IRL that I'm honestly kind of excited about, which I can't wait to share with you all when time allows- and I don't get distracted by the internet, of course, lol XD. I hope that you all are having a wonderful day, and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work, my friends!!

- Lena.

Those who know me well know that I struggle with being somewhat indecisive when it comes to picking and choosing between ideas, something that has cause many a planned commission idea, story draft, or even RP session among friends (sorry randos, no dice, don't even try it) to go off the rails as my brain latches onto a new idea spawned from an errant FA search, shared art image, or Notification that shows up in my gallery. It's paralyzing, being caught between several ideas that you like and having no idea how to pick and choose between them, even when it's of no consequence and the decision won't be permanent. It's one thing if it's a commission and it's something you're going to be spending money on, but for something simple like a story you were originally writing for the sake of fun, it's absolutely frustrating and depressing to not be able to stick with something now that something shiny and new has entered your mind and creates internal conflict.

Retroactively, I'd like to thank all my friends and the artists I've commissioned stuff from who have had to deal with my indecisiveness and analysis paralysis before and have been patient and supportive throughout, helping me overcome that bout of conflict/indecision. You all have the patience of saints and you are wonderful; I am so thankful to have such amazing friends and have met such kind people.

To the other part of this journal... Well, I'm sort of feeling like I need to redefine myself as far as a sona goes... Again. It's been a year since I found Cloudwalker and gravitated towards using hir as my primary sona. Then, things happened. I know, it's foolish to continue to hold onto things and let some asshole's decisions and mistakes dictate how I find enjoyment in this fandom, what fursona I feel most comfortable in, how I feel about myself. I've tried to let go, really I have. But for some reason, it's hard to settle into the mindset of being Cloudwalker again. Even getting past that one event and the feelings of stress, fear, frustration, anger, sadness, and despair that caused me, I've been through so much since then, had so many new experiences, that I'm not exactly the same person as I was back then when I first created hir. I've come out to my best friend and he accepted me, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm trans and that it's not a fetish (despite how much I still enjoy TFTG, as now I understand it more as a form of wish fulfillment, if that makes sense, watching my old self melt away to become something better), I've joined a D&D group and not only do they accept me too but they're really fun to hang out with, I've made strides towards finding more gainful employment, etc. There's more changes to come to be sure, but these feelings lead me to think that I should start looking for a new fursona, hopefully a more permanent one that represents me.

Coupled with my indecisiveness, it's been frustratingly difficult. So many species to chose from, so many ideas and thoughts about which fits best and what doesn't conflicting with thoughts of, "you don't know you won't like it, and if you pick this thing, what happens if you come to feel like you chose wrong or you feel like you're missing out on something by not being this other thing?" bouncing around in my brain, not to mention things like what looks best in what person's art-style or not (despite not knowing if I'll ever be able to commission some of these people because they're either popu-furs who's prices are basically "Forget it, kid," or they don't take commissions from people who aren't Patreons and I can barely afford to spend money on myself these days). Add to that the fact that I really like my human female form- the one that feels like it's closest to what I'd hope to achieve IRL if I can ever find the courage to just bite the bullet and start transitioning- but feel like if I'm in the fandom then I should have a fursona and not be that one square who's a plain-old boring "humie," and you've got a mix of feelings and frustrations that strain an already stressed and conflicted mindset.

UPDATE: For those who might want a look inside my head for what happens when I start thinking about this whole thing, here's a snippet of the thought-maelstrom in my brain:

- "This art is cool, don't you want to try this form out? Oh! But what about this one? Or this one? But shouldn't you stick with what you started with? Why are you being so wishy-washy again?"
- "What if you can't find an artist who draws this body-part/type the right way? What if they charge extra for something like some artists would for taurs?"
- "Canine muzzles are too long, some artists draw them funny, and wouldn't it feel doofy to have that long of a face? Cats are best because their muzzles are short, but then remember that the fur patterns will fuck with your tattoos and that's a big part of who you are. You don't want to lose that, do you? Also why are you looking at lynxes again? You know short tails look weird and you'd want a long one to hug and stuff."
- "Why are you thinking of trying an ungulate again? You remember that you think their faces look weird, right? And that you'll miss out on writing toes curling during sexy scenes, if they ever happen? And that horns are dumb because how are you supposed to sleep with them, or put on shirts for that matter? And remember, prey species eating meat is really weird to you for some reason? But then again, remember that with hooves you don't have to worry about stubbing your toes, and horns can be cool looking?"
- "Lizards? Really? Yeah, dinos are cool and all, but who would want scales? Or want to be cold-blooded for that matter?"
- "Rodents' muzzles get drawn weird sometimes and you hate the buck-teeth look, not to mention it reminds you of those movies you watched as a kid, which reminds you of all the stupid things you did as a kid, which reminds you of the things you hate about your childhood and sends you into a spiral."
- "Taurs are inconvenient, how would you get in doors, or fit in your apartment, or a bed? Yes, they look cool, but remember, artists often charge extra for them, and you live on a shoestring budget already."
- "Wings are a no go. You already can't imagine yourself as a bird because of beaks and how that works, so why copy-paste the part that'd make living the hardest onto something else? Plus, again, some artists charge extra for them, so why bother."
- "Multi-limbs look cool, sure, but again, same thing, it'd make life super difficult. And, again, some people charge extra for complex characters."
- "Wolves are goregeous, foxes are too, but there are so many of them, and again, remember the muzzle thing. Same with hyenas, it's weird."
- "Bears? Something digitigrade is more 'furry' to your fucked up brain for some reason than plantigrade, right?"
- "What if you try this and find that it doesn't fit you right like you thought it would? You basically just wasted money then, no two ways about it."
- "Are you really gonna be one of those squares who's just a plain old boring "humie?" Really? In this fandom?"

And so on, and so forth. Ad infinitum.

All of this, happening at once, inside my brain.

This is basically just a vent journal to get this all off my chest. I don't expect people to reply to this, nor do I expect any advice or anything like that (even if it's appreciated and I thank you those who have stayed this long and listened to/read my ramblings). Might delete this later, might not, depends on the mood.

Hopefully my next update is something more uplifting that I'll be able to share with you all, though the way life and the world is currently, I can't make any promises. I hope you are all having a wonderful day, and I'll talk to you again soon. Until then, stay safe out there and stay awesome.

- Lena.

Hey everyone, what's up?

Sorry it's been so long since my last journal, things have been getting in the way the last couple of months, as usual. Struggles with depression and dysphoria not withstanding, I've also been able to do some good things to hopefully offset all the bad. I attended my little sister's wedding earlier this month and took a long break from work to do so, and I managed to have two successful interviews for potential teaching jobs with a state charter school- both of which I'm on the school's "short list" for whenever they start hiring or a need arises in my area.

However, sad to say, things haven't been all sunshine and rainbows. Again, I've been struggling with depression and dysphoria as of late, and my own fears of seeking a therapist (that what I say will somehow make it back to my parents, that they'll tell me I need to start HRT when I can't afford it or the blood-test to determine dosage amounts or potential complications, that they'll tell me I'm not trans and it's all in my head, etc), compounded with worries about how society will react to me if/when I come out (I live in a red state (Oklahoma), after all, and while some people nice, they don't represent the whole, bible-thumping, church-on-every-corner majority of the place, say nothing of my conservative parents and their view on LGBTQ+ people), or how it will affect my search for a job. And speaking of jobs, I recently found out that, after 10 years with this retail company I've worked for out of necessity, I'm only making $11-something an hour. Erroneously, a new hire told me that they make the same amount- which we found out later was incorrect- and that moment... That truly crushed me. It was like a punch to the gut, all the work I've done, the work ethic I've maintained in the face of the other employees' laziness and disrespect to my shift, the managers' blase attitude towards us and their tendency to delegate things they don't want to do to us and increase our workload... It felt like someone slapped me in the face and told me that I don't matter.

I took a half-day after that, thankfully I have time saved up to where I can do that, but it still, it affected me. I can't keep going like this, can't stay in retail like I've been doing. It doesn't pay enough for me to stay, it won't get me to where I need to go. Trying to find a teaching job is all well and good, but with what I want to try and do in the future, it won't sustain that goal- because I bet I'd be kicked out when I start living full time or would be subject to so much ridicule and hate that I would eventually quit for the sake of my own mental health. So, I've been sending out some more applications as of late, and I've also been considering doing some freelance editing and or writing.

So, I'll ask you, my followers, you kind people who put up with my weirdness and long periods of silence, what can you offer me as far as advice in this pickle I've found myself in? Advice on steps towards talking to a therapist, on potentially starting HRT in a less-than-welcoming environment, on dealing with depression/dysphoria, on potentially starting freelancing as an editor or writer and what to expect or do in order to maximize productivity/payment to keep myself afloat and alive while pursuing goals?

That's basically the purpose of this journal: to catch people up on what's been happening and what I've been dealing with in the past four months, and to ask for some advice.

Thank you all for sticking with me through this. I know I don't post as much as other creatives or members of this site, but I appreciate the help and kindness all the same. Hope this journal finds you all well and I'll look forward to talking with you all again soon. Until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work!!

- Lena.

Hey everybody, how's it going?

As Pride Month 2019 winds down these next few days and summer kicks into high gear, I felt like taking a look back at my first real Pride experience for a moment, considering all that's gone on this month. I didn't get to go to our Pride Weekend here in OK, thanks to work, but I've managed to celebrate in my own little ways here and there. I'm sure by now, many of you have seen the picture I got from my good friend  amara_burrger , which I absolutely adore to no end and have thanked her for to the point where I'm sure I've exhausted her, lol XD. Aside from that, I had a "me" day/moment of quiet rebellion after visiting my folks a couple weeks back, having had a nice dinner with them, but then taking a nice, long, soothing hot bath and shaving my legs smooth, followed by painting my toenails for the first time. I'm not sure I did it right per say, but for the first time, I felt I did a pretty good job, and for the next week or so, I walked around with a secret source of happiness that made me smile even when things got stressful.

Since I began to question my gender identity, come to grips with the fact that I'm a trans woman, there have been some ups and downs. There've been moments where I've smiled in hope for what the future may bring, felt like bawling my eyes out at the cruelty of my own genetics and the hatred of humanity's ignorant that have kept me afraid and in the dark for so long but unable to find the tears, and other feelings and emotions that have come with self-examination and a degree of self-acceptance. There's still much I need to do, more paths to take and options to explore. I want to talk to a therapist to make sure that HRT is right for me before taking the plunge, even though many a friend has given me a coy smile and said that they're fairly certain it is with some of the signs I've shown since starting to open up about this. I want to be in a better place financially to where I can not only afford to transition, but also not have to rely on my folks for aid, as I'm sadly certain that once I do open up to them about this, I will no longer be considered their child and be cut off from the people who raised me and supposedly love me. It's sad to think about, but sometimes, this is a reality that must be faced if one is to move forward and be happy.

But that moment is a ways off, thankfully. Right now, I know that I have to focus on continuing down this path in subtle ways that will still show progression.

I have come this far, after all. What happens next, well, it's all part of the adventure.

Heh, so, to round out this rambling journal, I want to thank everyone for sticking with me so far, even with my lack of updates and postings. I can't believe I haven't written a journal in so long XD. Hopefully I can be better about this in the future, but no promises, lol :P.

Until next time, I hope you all had a Happy Pride Month. Please, take care of each other out there.

Remember to love each other.

And keep being the amazing, wonderful people you all are.

- Lena Marie.

Hey everyone, how's it been going?

Sorry it's been a couple months, been a bit busy lately with some stuff. Joined a Pathfinder group consisting of some good friends from here on FA, joined a D&D Discord before that because I'm apparently a masochist of some sort (lol XD), started taking classes again towards my teaching certification, took two of the required tests for that (passed one and failed the other; retaking the latter in a couple weeks so fingers crossed), and so on and so forth.

So yeah, I've been a busy sort of late.

I've also found out a few more things about myself in the interim. Chiefly is that, I'm fairly certain by now that I'm trans to at least some degree. I had a pretty bad 'bout of dysphoria hit last night, along with some depression in regards to my situation and why I'm not able to seek therapy to be "properly" diagnosed or even seek HRT or the like. To make matters worse, we suffered an Internet outage while that was going on, so I had to try and talk to my friends via the Discord phone app instead of on my computer where I was comfortable, so I laid on my bed for a bit, curled up in a ball while I held my phone, weight in the pit of my being as my friends kept me anchored and helped me through that. Seriously, I won't name you guys if you don't want me to, but you all are the best friends I could ask for .

Secondly, I also found out during these last few months that I have some form of anxiety disorder and that it's maternal- i.e. my mom goes through it too. I had about maybe 5 to 6 panic attacks over the course of two weeks over several things- some of them rather minor like being in combat in a play-by-post game on that D&D group I mentioned and being scared I'd lose my character (I'm playing a Variant Human Transmutation Wizard version of Lena) because I wasn't there to post constantly because of work. It seriously got to the point where I was blaming myself for an accident my mother got into that messed up her back, simply because I suggested we move here when I was like, fourteen or something. It got that bad.

Thankfully though, I'm in a much better place now. To paraphrase a line from  rickgriffin's A&H Club comic (which you should totally read when you get the chance, it's awesome and Rick's art is really good), "happiness comes in fits and spurts, and I'm still not entirely there. I don't know if I'll ever be. But, I'm working on it."

On a much brighter note, I was digging through some of my old stuff and found some old art commissions I got from when I used to go to Anime conventions back in high school and college. There's some really good stuff here, including some art from the legend himself,  fredgdperry!! I'm gonna upload them ASAP, I can't wait to share them with you all !

If you're still here after all that, thanks for sticking through to the end and reading all this. Sorry it's been so long since my last Journal, but like I said, I've been preoccupied as of late. Look forward to more updates as this crazy train called life keeps on rolling, and more fun art as soon as I commission them XD. I might also be able to get back into writing soon, now that I have Office on my PC again. No promises on that front, but hope springs eternal.

Thanks again for everything gang, I'll chat with you again soon. Until then, stay safe out there and stay awesome, everybody!

Tail high~!

- CorinthAlexander /Lena/Chakat Cloudwalker.

Hey everyone, how's it going?

Apologies in advance, gonna get a little heavy with this one.

So, by now everyone's seen my female form that I recently commissioned, Lena, right? Read the description as well for good measure too, I'll assume. Well, that's because pretty much everything I discussed in that description's true. I've dealt with that desire to become a woman for the longest time, felt I'd be more comfortable with that kind of form more than my current one and never really knew why. Never really got the chance to explore why for that matter, being raised in a rather religious household and taught to believe that sort of thing was "sinful" and told from a young age that if I ever "decided" I was gay that I wouldn't be allowed under my parent's roof by my father, and that I'd still be loved but my lifestyle and choices not accepted if I chose that path by my mother. So those thoughts and questions were always regulated to private introspection or dismissed as fetishes or a phase of growing up, or at worst regarded as a burden and an aberration within my psyche/soul that I wished I didn't have or wanted "fixed." Don't get me wrong, I still like TFTG stuff even now that I'm starting to question some things beyond that, but the fact of the matter remains that this is something fairly new to me, having the freedom to explore like this.

That being said, I know a lot of my pursuits and hobbies are traditionally considered masculine- even if some have been blurred a bit by the rise in equality of girls in what have been considered a "boy's club" in nerd circles- so that sort of makes things even more difficult to understand to some degree. I don't care much for sports, and I don't mind physical labor- though I know I'd rather be in a field that focuses more on my skills and allows me to pursue my interests. And on top of that, having been raised in this male form for so long, I've likely "gone native" as it were and grown accustomed to it ("regretfully comfortable," perhaps), despite feeling like my body hair is unsightly and wishing my shape was more aesthetically pleasing, and regarding my undercarriage as more of a nuisance than anything else at times.

I don't know, just a lot of questions right now, and not a lot of answers. I know I feel like I'd prefer to be a woman, so many of my characters have an element of TFTG in their backstories that it's probably been evident for a while now and I'm only now just seeing it while everyone else has probably known for forever, lol XD. Again though, it feels like I'm more inclined to want to be a woman in form while having a somewhat dude-like personality (dude as in male that is, not as in dudebro :P). As stated before, this is all new to me, and I'm probably rambling- which is good, seeing as I just wanted to get this out there and off my chest for the most part.

Regardless of the questions I have and how unsure I am about this whole thing as I move forward and explore this part of myself though, I want to make it clear that I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing and stand by what I said in Lena's ref. She's here to stay, a part of me that I sincerely wish I could embody, regardless of the uncertainty in my head at the moment.

If you've stuck it out this far through the potentially incoherent rambling and heavy subject matter, I hope this hasn't been too confusing, and thank you for taking the time to read this vent-fest XD.

Hopefully it won't be too long before you see more updates from me or commissioned art or written stories. Life has a funny way of muddying the waters though, so you never know XP. Thanks again everyone, and until next time: stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work! !

- Corinth Alexander/Chakat Cloudwalker/Lena.

*Squees excitedly,* Guys! Look at what WotC just released for May's Unearthed Arcana!

Official Playtest Material for Centaurs and a Minotaur Variant!

Seriously, I'm super excited that they released this! I wanted soooooo bad to play a Centaur Paladin in my first D&D session, but I couldn't find a good homebrew- and didn't want to screw things up by adding too many unknowns to the mix. Now? Heh, here's hoping I'll get to roll her out at some point in the future .

But yeah, just wanted to share that bit of awesome news with y'all . Hope you're all doing well out there ^^. I'll see you all again soon; until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the amazing work, everyone .

Tail high!

- CorinthAlexander/Chakat Cloudwalker.

Hey gang, how's it going?

I'm here to spread the word and ask for a bit of aid for a good buddy of mine  amara_burrger. She's a really talented artist and a very nice person who's in need of some help financially. She's struggling with some stuff life-wise that's really stressful for her, and I hate to see someone so kind and empathetic in such dire straits like this.

You can read more about her situation and ways to help (donating to her Patreon for example, as even little bit helps), HERE and HERE. If you can give her some help, that'd be really awesome . Again, Amara's a very wonderful person and it's awful to hear that she's having to go through something so frustrating and stressful. I hope you guys can give her art and her Patreon the boost it needs to get her where she needs to be.

- Corinth Alexander/Chakat Cloudwalker.

Hey everybody, what's up?

I'm feeling a lot better since my last Journal, thankfully. Apologies for the depressing lag there for a while, but I wasn't in the best place for about a week or so. I'm thankful to have so many wonderful friends who've helped me out in that time, given me someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on, or a pair of warm arms to hug into when I needed it. You all have done me a world of good, and I can't thank you enough for your help. I'm still a ways from recovery, I'll admit, and I'm a looooong ways off from forgiving the person who did this- they did bring back some painful memories and try to steal art that I paid good money for (not to mention saved up to afford on my meager salary) and of a part of myself that I've become close to, after all- but at the moment, I'm doing much better than I was before.

That being the case, I've elected to downgrade my "vacation" that I was going to take from Cloudwalker, my chakat self/sona, to something of a "stay-cation," if you will. I'm still going to have hir around and use hir, especially to chat and stay in touch with my chakat friends- who were instrumental in stopping the theft of my art and admonishing the person responsible, as well as helping me recover- but I still want to try and branch out into a new aspect of myself. The reason for this stems from something one such friend said when I was still wallowing in my depression a couple of days ago: "It's great that you're wrapped up in your fursona, but you can't let this control you. They didn't steal hir or you, they never can because Cloud' is a part of you, shi's who you are." Obviously I'm paraphrasing some of it, but the point is that it got me thinking. I've been known to have an obssessive personality in the past- Hell, my Naruto phase in high school is still a subject of deep embarassment for me to this day, as is my American Tail fixation when I was even younger than that. Bearing this in mind, it made me wonder if I'd started to get a death grip on Cloud', wonder if shi was starting to take over my life to some degree.

Obviously, I'm not going to give up being Cloud' all together. I've made so many new friends, gotten a lot of nice artwork of hir, and started writing a fantasic story that I'm honestly rather proud of- even if there's some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes I have to amend upon a second reading XD. However, the prospect of trying something new has tickled my creative fancy, so like I said, this will be a stay-cation, rather than a complete vacation from Cloud'. I'm still planning on getting more art of hir and on continuing the story when time allows, and I'm certainly not going to stop talking to my chakat friends over on Discord- again, thank you all so much for being there for me, you're the best . But at the same time, I've got the itch to try something different, and given my aforementioned concerns, I feel like this would be a good idea, at least for a little while.

So yeah, just a little heads-up on how I've been doing and a glimpse of things to come. Thanks everyone for all the support you've given me and continue to provide in this stressful time and through this harrowing experience of mine. You all rock . I'll be back with a new Journal soon, and until then, stay safe out there, stay awesome, and keep up the great work.

Tail high !

- Corinth Alexander/Chakat Cloudwalker.

Hey guys, how's it going?

Me? I'm... I'm not gonna lie, what happened last week really got to me. I've not been able to really put it out of my head, to be perfectly honest. Not only was it scary, but it brought back a lot of bad memories. Memories that I thought I'd long since put to rest.

Back when I was in college, someone tried to take my identity. To this day, I don't know how, or why. All I know is that I was on my own for the first time, away from my folks and my hometown, ready to take the world by the horns and prove that I could handle myself, and then in an instant, the whole world comes crashing down around my ears. My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my throat, there was an overwhelming sense of pressure, and an overall feeling of violation. Someone had tried to strip me of what made me who I was, someone thousands of miles away, not caring if what they did hurt me or got me in trouble, or left me destitute and in danger.

It felt like they'd tried to rip my soul out. And while everything turned out okay in the end, the fact of the matter is, my life changed substantially after that. Now, I looked over my shoulder everywhere I went, I kept an vice-grip on things that had my personal info on it, I shredded personal documents with my bare hands to make certain they were illegible, I closed off my circle of friends that had already shrunk with my move to college. Long story short, that sense of security and privacy I had was stripped from me, and with it also a sense of self.

Again, it was a feeing of violation, one that I thought I'd overcome.

Until the incident last week.

Now, all those same emotions are fresh and raw, they're still raw even five days later. So, I'm trying to find a way to process everything, to figure out how I can get back to "normal" again, like before. It's hard though, looking at my art of Cloud' and having it sit as a reminder of how someone tried to take hir, my safe place and an extension of myself, from me. I know, I should try and accept this as an inevitability of the interconnected world of information that we live in, or should see this as the scumbag who tried to take hir having so little imagination that they had to try and steal someone else' idea, but for someone like me, it's hard.

I've talked with a couple of coworkers who've gone through something similar in the past- people at work that I trust and who I know aren't assholes- and one thing that was suggested that I had already been considering was trying to "be someone else" for a little while, to tinker with a new character/fursona/persona for a bit, then come back to Cloud' when I feel like I'm ready. It wouldn't be permanent, just something to help me sort out my feelings, a coping mechanism, if you will. I'm still mulling over the possibility at the moment, but honestly? It might be a good idea. I've already talked about getting a bipedal variation for Cloudwalker, so it's something that's been on my mind in some fashion as mentioned before. Part of me feels like doing so would be "letting them win," and that's the last thing I want, to give them the satisfaction of knowing they damaged me that badly. But, truth be told... I'm just not sure what to do right now.

Again, just something I wanted to get off my chest is all. Apologies for the heavy subject, but this has been weighing on me for almost the past week, and I gelt like I had to say something, do something about what's been eating at me, even if it's just this little journal. I hope that the next one can be a bit more optimistic, and that you guys are doing well.

Talk with you again soon.

Okay, so... Last night, it was brough to my attention that someone who recently started +Watching me had stolen some of the art in my gallery that I'd commissioned, and was posting it all over social media- Twitter, Furry Amino, etcetera- pretending that it belonged to them and, to some extent, that they were me (i.e. Cloudwalker). Not only did they take my fursona and claim it as their character, but they did the same with several other people here, specifically members of the Chakat community.

Thankfully, a couple friends of mine caught on to them and read this person the riot act, convincing them to take all of the art they'd stolen down from these various websites. From the sound of things, this person seemed penitent and was someone young and most likely looking for attention and/or people to cling to. They even sent me an apology through another person here on FA.

However, that still does not change the fact that what they did was wrong. The damage is done.

This... This legitimately scared me, everyone. It scared me, it hurt me, and it shook me to my core. That someone would take this part of me, that I had to work to discover and put in effort to find within myself and to bring to life, this safe place to find comfort in when times are tough, and twist it like that, pervert it for their own gain... It disturbs me in ways I can't even begin to describe.

I've already blocked them on FA- as well as their new account they hopped over to. I had a bad feeling about them from the get-go. I replied to a kind comment they made on one of my commissioned pieces of Cloud', and they latched onto that in a creepily clingy manner that unnerved me in an instant. They posted me on their page under "My Friends," without my knowledge or consent, copy/pasted my userpage format and interests list- not even bothering to change up the order I put them in- and hounded me, asking if I could write their story for their character for free. When I called them on this bad behaviour, they snapped at me and then moved their account. It was after that fact, when I came home from a long day's work, that I learned that they'd stolen from me.

Obviously, I've filled out a Trouble Ticket and reported them- and their new account- to the staff here on FA. I've been told that this should help, and my friends here have also agreed to keep a look out for any more art theft and take screenshots of any further acts of theft for evidence to report them should this happen again. Because of FA's ToS, I apparently can't name this thief, but I still wanted you guys to know so that you can be on guard yourselves.

Just... Be safe, everyone. Be vigilant. Be careful who you reply to and who you show kindness to as well. Apparently there are people out there who see that as a green light to stalk you and steal things that are important to you. Be it your fursonas, your art, or your sense of safety and security.

https://youtu.be/9W44NWYwa1g

"Andromeda" by the Gorillaz.

This is one of my favorite tracks from their latest album, Humanz. The remix with Bonobo is also amazing, I'd highly recommend checking it out. It just screams "vaporwave/chillwave."

Just something I thought I'd share is all ^_^.

What are your guys' thoughts on a bipedal version of Cloudwalker?

I ask because I've been thinking about getting one for a while now, for a number of reasons- non-tauric YCHs, artists who charge extra for taurs, general fun, and maybe finally getting some NSFW art, lol :P. But for some reason, I just... Feel weird about doing it. Like, being a chakat is my "normal" form and that I'd feel guilty in any other form or something, or like... It's some weird sense of unease or hesitance that I can't quite figure out. I've RP'd such a form with a friend- nothing pervy, all platonic, you weirdos XD- and it was a lot of fun, and I liked having two legs and a butt again, lol :P. Still though, can't exactly shake that strange feeling...

What do you guys think? Am I being weird? Should I consider trying it out at some point anyhow and seeing how it works out?

(Probably gonna replace/delete this journal with a new one in a couple hours or something; kinda writing this on a "spur of the moment/my brain won't shut-up at me until I do it" sort of thing XP)

Hey everybody! A buddy of mine,  cyrusphyshor is in need of assistance! She's getting ready to move into a new apartment with a friend of her's, and the landlord is requesting "proof-of-income." To this end, I'm posting this journal to raise awareness and promote her Patreon page, as well as her own journal on the issue.

She does really good artwork, and I'd highly recommend checking her out- and, if you're able, donating to her Patreon. Even a dollar will go a long way towards giving her a hand with this new apartment.

Check out the journal here for further info: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8631374/

Heh, not much to report really.

Just thought I'd spread the news that I'm another year older is all ;-P . Sadly, I've got to work on my birthday (AGAIN), so that's a thing. But hey, on the plus side, I managed to get Tuesday off to "officially" celebrate with my folks (which means I've got another three-day weekend ahead of me), and we'll be having a big dinner- surf n' turf, consisting of ribeye steaks, steamed shrimp, and salmon fillets, plus sides- so that counts for something I guess XD.

[EDIT]: And I got to have a big birthday breakfast with my Dad a little while ago, which was great!

Hope you guys have a great day and I'll look forward to chatting with you again soon! Until then, stay safe out there and stay awesome !

- CorinthAlexander/Chakat Cloudwalker.

https://youtu.be/lhjk5x54bsE

"Money" by Mystery Skulls.

Just thought I'd share was all ^_^. It's helped me center myself and remember to breathe, take things one day at a time, especially recently after a minor panic attack that I had over my hours getting cut at work for the next couple of months. Just need to stop worrying, slow down and take control...

*Starts head-bobbing to the beat again.*

Not really an update so much as me venting, really.

Some good things have happened- finally- that have put me in a better spot financially, so that I'm not pulling my hair out and having panic attacks over whether or not I'll be able to have food or pay rent for the month XD. I've got a good buffer in place now that I can hopefully maintain over the coming year, and I have enough left over that I can afford to commission art again.

Only problem? I either have no idea what to get for one of my sonas (i.e. Cloudwalker), too many other ideas that'll require I make someone new in process, the artists I want to commission are closed or they do livestream commissions I can't make because of my work schedule, or I'm still stuck in the frugal mindframe I've had to adapt to in order to survive on my barebones budget just enough that everyone's prices start to look astronomical.

I've tried telling myself that it's okay and I can splurge a little in regards to that last issue, but the "what-if" starts to set in and quashes that rather swiftly. And for the artist I've managed to reserve a slot for, I can't decide what I want to do when the list goes live next week! I know I wanna get more art of Cloud', but I don't know what I should get. I've thought about commissioning a bipedal version of hir- you know, because some people sadly charge extra for taurs- but I also wanted to do a solo TF Sequence at some point, as well as some scenery pieces too. There's also some other ideas I've had, but I don't want to seem like I'm wishy-washy and add a new character/sona to the pool after just having realized that Cloud's who I feel most "at home" being.

*Sighs heavily,* This is the curse of a creative mind. Too many ideas, not enough means to make them reality, and when you do have the means, you constantly fret about potentially ending up at that same lowpoint again.

Like I said, just a little rant to vent some ideas is all. I'll probably post another journal in a couple hours to cover this one, perhaps with a funny video clip or some cool music I found recently or something that I felt like sharing.

- CorinthAlexander/Chakat Cloudwalker.