So it's been a while, I think what, 2 or 3 years since I abandoned this account? As much as I loved making furry art, or talking to the great people in this fandom its just been tainted for me.

(TW: Pedophilia)

I joined the fandom at 10 years old, things weren't that eventful until I hit 15 and decided to join furry chats on telegram. I was at the worst point in my life, depressed, going through puberty, lonely and desperate for attention due to some other shit in my life. Most of the people I met were really nice to me despite me being a whiny emotional 15 year old. But of course, being the only minor in all adult spaces didn't end well for me. I was naive, I might still be. I had never met anyone in my life who only wanted to get close to me to use me. All my moms warnings of "be careful of who you talk to online" had no affect on me. I had no idea what to look out for. I was exactly what these people wanted. A lonely, gullible, easily manipulative young girl.

I'm mad at myself that it happened more than once. I legit thought these people were my friends, I thought sex was a normal thing to talk about with friends, I thought them being into me meant I was so much more mature than these other girls. They played into every little thing I wanted. Feeding me false promises and words just to get at me. Hell, one even let me vent to him about how one of these other pedophiles used me and then literally went on to do the same thing. I keep thinking. "Why did I let this happen?" But again, I was young, I had never encountered stuff like this. In my mind If someone was nice, all their motives were nice, they couldn't have any ulterior motives....

Still to this day I can't shake the toxic mindset that now that I'm 19 I'm not attractive to anyone. and that's so toxic, I know it is but I cant get it out of my head because all the "relationships" Ive had have solely been based off an abuse of power and the fact that I was underage.

I'm also super concerned these people are out their doing this to other kids looking for friends in the fandom. I can only hope I was a one time thing for them, and no one else is being hurt.
I'm grateful my extent of being used by these men was solely online and wasn't physical or anything worse, but I still feel used and dirty. I can't go a day without getting close to having a panic attack over the meer mention of pedophiles. Even now I feel like I need to vomit.

So thanks for that, thanks for pretending to be someone I could trust in confide in just to use for your sick disgusting fetish for literal children.

Honestly, cancel culture is dumb but I wouldn't feel bad dropping names If I remembered tbh. I've been trying my best to forget them tbh.

I suppose my final thought is:

This is the main reason I've left the fandom...
I still do art for others, but I can't bring myself to come back and talk to the people I used to know. I just want to forget everything. IDK if any of the people who aided in this bullshit follows me, Its been forever. if any of you do.

Honestly, get some help, youre disgusting.

Idunno, but i just want to start anew. So I will be moving to  ChocoCornetto as of today. Follow me if you want to. just feel a lot of stuff is changing. My style for one, I'm gonna change my fursona. As much as I'll miss the idea of Arium it's connected to a lot of things I love but things I'd like to leave in the past. If you now me on telegram, for the sake of clarity I wont change my name completely.

I can't explain it, I've just been living i suppose nothing in particular. But idk, my love for the furry fandom has diminished. Not to say thagt I'm leaving it completely, but compared to when I was 12, or even last year when I think about it i get anxiety. I get scared and I can not explain it. I feel its kind of inpart due to my depression in early 2016 and me trying to find some odd validation and help in furry chats. (For anyone who dealt wiht me whining, sorry). I did have some genuinel bad experiences around that time. Some manipulator, me thinking people in the chat were against me, constantly needing validation and feeling like shit when i didnt get it.I realize a lot of my emotions torwards the fandom were caused by myself. adn I know the fandom is wonderful. A lot of my really great friends are furries. Even last year when I went to TFF i had a great time. meeting great people who were sweet s shit.

Honestly, I hope within 2018 I can get back to the point were I didn't care about my validation wihtin the fandom. I was just in it because I wanted to be.

Aside from that, just life and whatnot, I'm exploring new things. Fashion trends, 3D modeling, ya know.

tl:dr : Life is happening, I evaluate myself and my feelings for the fandom.

For the summer (from now until mid-August) I'm doing commissions based off of aesthetic I'm a fan of, and that you're possibly a fan of.

Prices range from 5-15 dollars.
Full Bodies/Scenes at 15*
Busts are 10
and Icons are 5

*It's 5 dollars extra for every character added.

Aside from the aesthetic used all other aspects are up to you. Only thing I wont do is sexual and offensive content.

As for those who may be curious about some of these here are some explanations.

Themes:
Menhera- Usually gore, medical equipment, sickness, and diseases portrayed in a colorful pastel way by cute girls.
Harajuku- A trend in fashion mainly in Japan consisting of lots of colorful clothing and accessories.
Space- Pretty straightforward. Stars, planets, aliens.
Retro- Technically retro futurism, it's reminiscent of say B-movie posters from the 80s.
Seapunk- Another trend in fashion based around themes like the ocean, mermaids, and seashells.
Vaporwave- Mainly a genre of music but this usually features aspects of the internet from the early 2000s, plant life, dolphins, and roman busts.

Send me a note here
or
PM me on Telegram at CorrosiveBlue

On this episode of Arium over analyzes her feelings, I'm talking about my feelings torwards the fandom.
As the days go on I stay loyal to the fandom, I've been here since 2010, it's a big part of my life and excited me. Going to TFF legimately made me forget about my depression for a bit, I actually felt welcomed and loved. As expected I met new friends and nice people. But despite all my good experiences I switch between loving the fandom and resenting it. Not like I want to resent it.. For a while I've been trying to figure out why the hell I think like this, and I think I know now

(Boy this is a abut to turn into an essay lol)
The Sexual Diversity, the Hypersexuality of it, and public stigma. Now I'm not saying I hat the diversity, I love it. I'm pansexual myself.. but I'm also fighting with I guess internalized homophobia.. not torwards others but more towards myself.. I guess growing up in a homophobic household while wanting to make my mother proud fucked me up a bit considering I'm a hand full of things she hates... So seeing the amount of gay, lesbian, and everything content, relationships just goes back to that. I waver between loving seeing it and hating it

As for the Hypersexuality.. I've never been an outgoing person sexually, I can deal with it as long as its not shoved into my face. Which can usually be easily solved, turn on sfw filters. But at the same time since I don't like it as much it kind of makes me feel immature and inferior because sexual content seems like such a large part of the fandom.. I feel left out, I shouldn't its unreasonable but I still do for some reason.

Finally the public stigma.. I know tons of people who hate furries, so many.. for my entire life as a furry Ive had to deal with so many comments about how I'm gross, disgusting, I fuck dogs. THe ones that are as jokes from friends are fine. but when its someone being serious, especially when it my own "friend" telling me what I allegedly do saying I'm gross is hurts. And because of this the social part of me kind of wants to fit in with everyday society.. I've begun to hate myself and the fandom, as great as its been to me..


Idk if any of this makes sense, its more so for me to get some feelings off of my chest

Man idk anymore.. just I've felt terrible lately and after a lot of thinking I've decided I'm just gonna give up on art. I'm leaving this account to rot I won't be posting anything ever! There's a ...

And I have to stop right there. April fools and shit I'm actually making myself feel nervous writing this lol. I fucking love art and I'm never gonna stop until I die

Not like I'm famous or anything but like. Eh. Ya never know

I've decided to open two YCH pieces, they're gonna be candy gore so uhh

God, I'm terrible with lose, whether is my headphones not working or and actual death in my family I freak the hell out immediately. And now iv been hit by a damn curveball. God, 2015 was great, meeting new friends, having a nice large support group were everyone was so nice. but now its gone. Torn apart, everyones gone their own way. Can I blame them, no it happens, but I feel so robbed and lied to because of it. WHy fucking abandon us like this. for who, a boyfriend? a nw group of friends you've just met. who's fault is it, no one in particular and that's the part that fucks me up.
Part of me always wanted to trry and rekindle the friend group, but its dead. I have to move on...

Not here but like

I feel disgusted that I'm attracted to older men. Not like 20-28 or some shit it straight up goes from like 20-40.

I mean a good part of that is just ya know, my father left my family and me with a hole in my heart and emotional problems yadda yadda. In turn I end up craving attention from older men, not even sexually just in general. I just like approval tbh.

It's toxic tbh, and I could fuck some shut up for me and others. I already have (for me tho). Some guy back in feb. 2015 was attracted to me and kin of convinced me into this weird as relationship with him. I say kind of cuz like I was willing but like I didn't fully know what I was getting myself into. He tricked me and suit but less about that, we're both at fault there.

But ever since then I'm on this weird line were I'm repulsed by myself for liking older men and kinda sticking around them as well as older people who like younger people (below 18). The reasonable side of me hates that! But the part that runs solely on emotions. The part that wants to be wanted and loved keeps going back to that shit. Not to the same degree of that last incident but I know it's wrong but it's like an addiction and before I know it I'm doing it again.

Literally all of this is because I just want to feel loved, completely loved without a doubt in my mind about it. And even tho there's people like this in my life.. idk.. I don't think I've accepted that subconsciously yet.

TL;DR
Arium going on about her daddy issues again
(Late 2016 and this year so far has been a lot of pent up aggression towards him finally coming out)

Man, nothing I love more than having friends who say you can vent to them and then when you actually come to them with your problems looking for solace or advice they just brush it off saying "Oh don't say that" or "I'm sorry. *hugs*" and nothing else. They care, but not enough to actually tak into consideration what youre saying, what youre like or how to help. They just use the same cookie cutter, hallmark, 'get well soon' card speech that anyone would give.

This one's about the disappointment that is my father. I'm finally coming to terms with a bunch of pent up aggression I have towards him.

I mean the first handful of years in my life he was like an A+ dad, tbh I was his fave and he would hardly let me out of his arms when he was home. Basically got me whatever I wanted, which if not for my mother I probably would've been entitled af. But like I fucking loved him like any child would love their parents. Blindly and unconditionally, believing they can do no wrong.

Then the divorce happened, the day my mother left the house for good my dad immediately called up his girlfriend. I just believed it was a friend, I didn't want to think he was cheating. The rest is a big blur, watching my dad collapse into a terrible alcoholic with anger issues. No idea if he's an angry person naturally or if that just the alcohol. From 2008-2013 I never once saw him sober. Before I denied everything he did wrong, the hole in the garage was him slipping not intentionally punching the wall out of anger, he wasn't drunk just tired.. 24/7, just whatever. I'm just pissed about all the empty promises he made to me,and endangering both of our lives while driving under the influence. Hell I doubt half the time I was with him he didn't really give a single shit. it really messes me up thinking about whether he even remembered the time we were together or if it was just a blur to him.

His irresponsibility financial. He ended up fucking homeless at one point, staying at motels every night just to stay off the streets. Not like it was just life drawing the shortest stick for him. He was constantly squandering all his money on cigarettes, beer, or a new car. Never bothering to actually care about finding an actual place to live, especially with a daughter. Even when he got a home after his mother died and left the house to him, that house went to shit. Holes in the door, half the furniture gone, no water or heating.

In the end what really gets my blood boiling is how he just up and left, at first I was still in contact with him. He said he was in Arizona, I was gonna get a plane out there to see him. Never happened, that's not his fault we just couldn't get anyone to go with me on the trip. at this point we kind of stopped talking, I was just busy and forgot to call. he just never bothered. Last time I spoke with him was new years eve at 11:23 2014. After that he changed his number.

I just felt so abandoned and confused as to whether he hated me or not. Was i just a hindrance he grew tired of? Back then I forgave him somewhat, he just had so much going on in his life (not really).
But only now in 2015, after realizing how abusive he was to my mother and untrustworthy he was the anger I held for him finally surfaced. I've accepted the fact that I'm disappointed and annoyed with how he was.

I mean, this is like something from a soap opera on public access tv.
Seeing my father as some saint, watching him turn into an alcoholic, denying all his faults and then coming to find out that he'd literally steal money from my mother when she was raising 3 kids, wrecked 5 cars. totalled 2, and sent an entire family to the hospital in a car crash. My mother literally has PTSD due to him. And man, how does one person fuck up so terribly?

this has helped me tho, when I feel like shit, I just remember I'm not as shitty as this man.

TL;DR
Arium has daddy issues and she's venting about how her dad left like any other black man does cuz ya know stereotypes(ironically his last name is white and hes veerrrry light skinned)

TFF 2017-
Intially I was raising 300 dollars to get myself a new phone, but through some force of luck my mother gave me her old Samsung and it honestly works better than my iPhone did. BUT with that out of the way that means I can squander money elsewhere. Thus (as many people who talk to me personally will know) I'm still raising those 300 dollars but for TFF.
No idea if I'll actually be able to make it since all my money comes from commissions.

If I do go my plan is just to fursuit and attend maybe one panel... Idk

Going to France- one thing that's for sure is I'll be going to France next summer to visit a friend and I'm fucking excited

Moving- and finally later in the summer my mother and I will be moving to Georgia, around powder springs or Atlanta.

The community annoys me a tiny bit. I just kinda don't like that it's more so geared towards adults to the point where people will just ignore younger members. Like the only con in my state is no where close to being inviting for minors (despite allowing minors) so sadly I can't go. But even with more relaxed cons I've heard that a lot of the panels are 18+.
I just kind of a friendlier environment where I can be myself with out having to avoid like half the con or being looked down upon for being younger. And I get it, some people keep their distance from younger members so nothing happens. But it just kind of hurts wanting to make friends in this community but almost everyone is 20+ or doesn't want to interact with me due to my age. And now I just feel trapped. There's no way I'll be able to go to a con alone or with a friend till I'm 18 since my mom's protective. And I get it but it just makes me feel like shit. I became more active in this community hoping to make friends and even meet them but now I feel like that dream is crushed for a while.
And you're probably thinking. "This isn't the end of the world. You'll be 18 eventually just wait."

Yeah, but it still hurts waiting. I want to be around people like me especially now. I alway here "do things you want to do. Treat yourself. Get out there and be social" to combat depression which is hitting me really hard rn. But i cant.. my mother won't let me. So now I'm just stuck at home with nothing to look forward to next year other than crying again and again and just moving... (even then I'm really nervous about that cuz I'll have to find an entirely new set of friends)

broke my goddamn phone(second time this year)..so I gotta buy a new one. also I need to get back into the swing of making and finishing art. my TOS and stuff may change a bit for the next few days

I just realized I mispelled something on this piece of art I spent forver on

So like
I just need to post this somewhere public, for some reason simply knowing that people can read what I'm experiencing helps me a bit. I don't expect feed back or really want it that much. It's usually the same bs, and that probably means its right tho..... Does it help? No! But whatever. I digress

I just feel like shit for being single. Maybe it's because this summer has been very lonely and I spend all day at home drawing and watching youtube without anything interesting happening. Maybe that's why I've started to feel bad since I'm single. Like before I was totally fine being single, I was open to a relationship but I wasn't seeking one. It made me happy seeing people in relationships. But now I cant stand any of it. before, seeing matching icons or shit like that would make me livid but now it just makes me sad and at times just makes me cry. I don't think anything's wrong with me, but like it seems like I have so many opportunities to end up in a relationship. Yet every time, something happens. Said person says no, I loose feelings for them just when they start to return them, they're already dating, or whatever else complicated shit happens in life.

I just want someone I can talk to all day and just dote on and shit, who'll maybe do the same for me. I wanna be able to talk about the trivial stuff that happens in my life to someone who'll actually want to listen to what I have to say. IDk, I just want that regular relationship stuff. I feel like maybe it would make me feel complete as a person, or maybe make me feel a little less empty. I'm starting to feel like a husk at this point.

Going on, even now I know like two people who like me but being the dumbass I am, I can't fucking detach myself from the big ass crush I have on a friend to even think about dating someone else. Like I know the likely hood of us getting together is like 99.99% (that 00.01 percent is like in some dream or fantasy) but subconsciously for some reason I feel like I need to stay single just in case he changes his mind. which wont happen. So basically, even tho I want to date someone, every time I think about it, especially about like dating someone for more than a year I feel gross. I feel like it'd never work out and as if I'm betraying something.

it seems like certain people have the best of luck and can just get in relationships so easily, maybe I feel this way because I've only had one short relationship and I thought they all worked like that. I like someone, and they slowly end up liking me (since I only ever end up crushing on close friends), and boom, romance. But reality set in alongside a terrible anxiety attack and proved that life isn't easy.. that seems pretty obvious but 2015 and any year before was great, I hardly cried. But now I cry almost daily. I'm on the cusp of crying rn as I type.

Just whatever, this is only one of my many problems, I could go on but I'm not gonna write a novel

(That said, until I can get to a point where the mere mention of dating doesn't make me feel like utter shit, I wont ever do commissions featuring characters who are dating or something)

I need to finish up my current queue, and then after that I just want to have a few weeks that I can spend working on my fursuit head and as well as personal art

I guess I'll reopen them some time late July or early August

Ill take like one more after I finish these three current ones.(I already have two people who want to commission me, and if they choose not to ill open a slot up. I wanna take some time to develop my art and just work on my partial

TIME TO GET TO WORK

Sorry that updates and the such have been slow.. It's the final week of school and I'm trying my best not to fail any classes. Luckily I have 3 and a half more days left, so after Thursday I have all day to work on art!!

Well then, I'll still be on FA but I'm gonna increase activity on Furry Network

Also, if you have an account on Furry Network feel free to follow me... FA is :/

https://beta.furrynetwork.com/arium/

It joke
U peanked

I was half way done with the freebies. But something came up so I don't have access to my laptop.

As soon as I get it back I'll post a wip and then finish them.