FA+
Shop
ACCOUNT MOVING
Posted 9 years agoI am moving accounts over to 
RIOTHAWK
I will not delete any more of my old submissions here, but i will be resubmitting some of them. However, it will be only to SCRAPS, i already have a good bit of new content i was waiting to upload, so go follow me over there to see drawings from my new NSFW comic, new copic marker commissions, all that good shit. i mean right now its not there, but it will be soon, uploading stuff takes time even when the art is done XD
RIOTHAWKI will not delete any more of my old submissions here, but i will be resubmitting some of them. However, it will be only to SCRAPS, i already have a good bit of new content i was waiting to upload, so go follow me over there to see drawings from my new NSFW comic, new copic marker commissions, all that good shit. i mean right now its not there, but it will be soon, uploading stuff takes time even when the art is done XD
new account maybe?
Posted 9 years agoSince i'm going to be getting active again here soon [already did i guess when i put this on my business cards for FWA XD] buuuut this username is old and has nothing to do with much anymore, everything else i use is RIOTHAWK so i'm considering making a new account and moving before i start posting again... i 've got a bunch of stuff waiting to be uploaded, i guess try to give me a reason NOT to move? XD
FWA and other life updates
Posted 9 years agoHey all, i haven't updated over here, mostly over at tumblr lately but i thought since FWA is coming up, i should do a quick life update and let people know i'm alive, up for trades/commissions, etc
for those that was a TMI life overview, read here:
first of all, about a year and a half ago, i started getting sick. This time last year i was getting my tonsils removed due to severe tonsillitis. I was so long in recovery i had to drop out of school. Last fall around september i started losing weight, rapidly. 25 lbs in a month and a half. By december i'd lost 30 lbs, but i have a diagnosis: Gastroparesis. no cause, no cure, my stomach just doesn't digest food because it doesn't contract. Example of problem: normal human eats a meal. its in their stomach for 60-90 minutes, then enters digestive tract. I eat a meal, it's in my stomach for 240-280 minutes. So basically i'm starving cause my stomach is in slow motion, if i try to just MAKE myself eat more, i get violently ill. This past january, y i was working at my internship with Nen Chang at Wizard World NOLA, when i got sick and my bf took an overnight bus and we met up, and he drove me home in my car. Two days later i was i was i the ER having my appendix removed! XD Oh, but that boyfriend who saved me? Yeah, he's been going through a divorce since october/november, but the wife'd boyfriend broke up with her, and a month ago she killed their 2.5 yr old son in a car wreck, so now she wants "her husband" back, as if the 4 years of physical and emotion abuse could be washed away by "jesus taking their baby away from them" ...she is grieving, and upset, but she keeps forgetting she asked for a divorce before i was in the picture. and while she talks almost constantly about feeling suicidal of needing therapy, she refuses to actually pursue help for her issues, and instead lashes out at everyone and eveything around her. So badly, that she banned me from the funeral of the little boy that called me "mom" for 3 months. But no, that was fine, not like i would have needed to grieve or anything *w*
end TMI rant,
begin FWA talk!
i'm going to be attending FWA with
bakuhaku at the end of the month, we'll have some light merch available [buttons, a couple prints, some stickers, MAYBE prints of comics] but mostly taking commissions, and i'd like to do some badge trades/commissions ahead of time to kick things off.
Two art options, i'll take 2, MAYBE 3 trades, at least one in each area...
1- normal badge, just your character, inked with brush OR pen, copic marker color, gel pen/white ink highlights, laminated and clipped! waist up or full
2- GEM BADGE! as in Crystal Gems from Steven Universe. As in, you give me your character and a gem, gem location, and weapon, and i draw your fursona as a crystal gem, either clean-cut or battle torn! same art style as above, except you also get either a giant version of your gem as the background, or your name done up all fancy and gem-like. for these i even have some metallic inks i might can for accents. waist up or full
Let me know if any of these interest you, i'll have a sample Gem Badge done in a week probably :>
for those that don't have artistic talent to trade with and just want to commission me, prices!
standard waist up: $25
standard full body: $35
GEMSONA waist up: $30
GEMSONA fullbody: $45
for those that was a TMI life overview, read here:
first of all, about a year and a half ago, i started getting sick. This time last year i was getting my tonsils removed due to severe tonsillitis. I was so long in recovery i had to drop out of school. Last fall around september i started losing weight, rapidly. 25 lbs in a month and a half. By december i'd lost 30 lbs, but i have a diagnosis: Gastroparesis. no cause, no cure, my stomach just doesn't digest food because it doesn't contract. Example of problem: normal human eats a meal. its in their stomach for 60-90 minutes, then enters digestive tract. I eat a meal, it's in my stomach for 240-280 minutes. So basically i'm starving cause my stomach is in slow motion, if i try to just MAKE myself eat more, i get violently ill. This past january, y i was working at my internship with Nen Chang at Wizard World NOLA, when i got sick and my bf took an overnight bus and we met up, and he drove me home in my car. Two days later i was i was i the ER having my appendix removed! XD Oh, but that boyfriend who saved me? Yeah, he's been going through a divorce since october/november, but the wife'd boyfriend broke up with her, and a month ago she killed their 2.5 yr old son in a car wreck, so now she wants "her husband" back, as if the 4 years of physical and emotion abuse could be washed away by "jesus taking their baby away from them" ...she is grieving, and upset, but she keeps forgetting she asked for a divorce before i was in the picture. and while she talks almost constantly about feeling suicidal of needing therapy, she refuses to actually pursue help for her issues, and instead lashes out at everyone and eveything around her. So badly, that she banned me from the funeral of the little boy that called me "mom" for 3 months. But no, that was fine, not like i would have needed to grieve or anything *w*
end TMI rant,
begin FWA talk!
i'm going to be attending FWA with
bakuhaku at the end of the month, we'll have some light merch available [buttons, a couple prints, some stickers, MAYBE prints of comics] but mostly taking commissions, and i'd like to do some badge trades/commissions ahead of time to kick things off.Two art options, i'll take 2, MAYBE 3 trades, at least one in each area...
1- normal badge, just your character, inked with brush OR pen, copic marker color, gel pen/white ink highlights, laminated and clipped! waist up or full
2- GEM BADGE! as in Crystal Gems from Steven Universe. As in, you give me your character and a gem, gem location, and weapon, and i draw your fursona as a crystal gem, either clean-cut or battle torn! same art style as above, except you also get either a giant version of your gem as the background, or your name done up all fancy and gem-like. for these i even have some metallic inks i might can for accents. waist up or full
Let me know if any of these interest you, i'll have a sample Gem Badge done in a week probably :>
for those that don't have artistic talent to trade with and just want to commission me, prices!
standard waist up: $25
standard full body: $35
GEMSONA waist up: $30
GEMSONA fullbody: $45
FWA UPDATES/LEAVING ON HIATUS
Posted 11 years agoi am going to be taking a hiatus from activity on FA. I will still check my notes, but i will not be posting new work over here for awhile. Before i go, here are some updates:
I am now over on deviantart
http://riothawk.deviantart.com/
also, as usual, you can get in touch with me on tumblr
clean personal tumblr: http://riot-hawk.tumblr.com/
porn art tumblr: http://miz-riot.tumblr.com/
also you can always email me, skype me, etc. that info is below in my contact information.
AND FINALLY
I WILL HAVE A TABLE AT FWA AGAIN THIS YEAR!
i will be sharing my vendors table with the lovely :usernarcotic-sprinkles:
i will be selling lots of cast things--hair clips, hoof shoes [some pre-mades, but mostly blanks], buttons, horns, maybe antlers, keychains, and commissions.
IF I OWE YOU ANY ART [kristein i got glue to finish your shoes finally, and shoudl get them in the mail monday, zeke yours is going out today], PLEASE MESSAGE ME. I HAVE LOST TRACK OF WHAT I OWE PEOPLE, WHAT HAS BEEN REFUNDED/CANCELLED, ETC. SO PLEASE, CONTACT ME IF I OWE YOU SOMETHING!
also if i woe you something and it's overdue, since i don't have it in the budget to do money refunds for late work, i can give you some of my other stuff like buttons/clips/pins/etc.
ALSO, PRE-ORDERS NOW OPEN ON POKEMON FEATHER PINS
http://whitefaun.storenvy.com/produ.....air-clips-pins
SPECIAL PRE-ORDER ONLY LOW-PRICE OF $5, and FREE CON PICKUP [kami-con, FWA]
ALSO, LIMITED EDITION TALONFLAME FEATHER CLIP, ONLY AVAILABLE IN PRE-ORDER extras will be sold at kami-con and FWA, after that they will no longer be offered at standard price and will rise to price of custom paint job.
all preorders are goignt oward materials costs and con expenses, so please help out! :D
I am now over on deviantart
http://riothawk.deviantart.com/
also, as usual, you can get in touch with me on tumblr
clean personal tumblr: http://riot-hawk.tumblr.com/
porn art tumblr: http://miz-riot.tumblr.com/
also you can always email me, skype me, etc. that info is below in my contact information.
AND FINALLY
I WILL HAVE A TABLE AT FWA AGAIN THIS YEAR!
i will be sharing my vendors table with the lovely :usernarcotic-sprinkles:
i will be selling lots of cast things--hair clips, hoof shoes [some pre-mades, but mostly blanks], buttons, horns, maybe antlers, keychains, and commissions.
IF I OWE YOU ANY ART [kristein i got glue to finish your shoes finally, and shoudl get them in the mail monday, zeke yours is going out today], PLEASE MESSAGE ME. I HAVE LOST TRACK OF WHAT I OWE PEOPLE, WHAT HAS BEEN REFUNDED/CANCELLED, ETC. SO PLEASE, CONTACT ME IF I OWE YOU SOMETHING!
also if i woe you something and it's overdue, since i don't have it in the budget to do money refunds for late work, i can give you some of my other stuff like buttons/clips/pins/etc.
ALSO, PRE-ORDERS NOW OPEN ON POKEMON FEATHER PINS
http://whitefaun.storenvy.com/produ.....air-clips-pins
SPECIAL PRE-ORDER ONLY LOW-PRICE OF $5, and FREE CON PICKUP [kami-con, FWA]
ALSO, LIMITED EDITION TALONFLAME FEATHER CLIP, ONLY AVAILABLE IN PRE-ORDER extras will be sold at kami-con and FWA, after that they will no longer be offered at standard price and will rise to price of custom paint job.
all preorders are goignt oward materials costs and con expenses, so please help out! :D
WHERE HAVE I BEEN?!
Posted 12 years agoover on deviantart. that's where. i know it's lame, and i don't have half as many watchers as i have here, but it's just been alot easier to managa, and there's alot more people in my field, including all my professors, over there [sequential art, btw, is what i'm getting my degree in] plus i liekt he gallery organization.
i will try to post some stuff here but more will go to DA most likely. sorry :/
http://riothawk.deviantart.com
i will try to post some stuff here but more will go to DA most likely. sorry :/
http://riothawk.deviantart.com
LIVESTREAM: inking comic finals with brush
Posted 12 years agohttp://www.livestream.com/riotdraws
come check it out! SFW comic about a hungry raccoon boy and an elk.
as mentioned, i'm inking with brush. COME WATCH YEAH FUN
come check it out! SFW comic about a hungry raccoon boy and an elk.
as mentioned, i'm inking with brush. COME WATCH YEAH FUN
STREAM: commission/ych work [OFFLINE]
Posted 12 years ago[copied from other acct]
finally got my desktop all set up yesterday! started working last night on overdue work, streamed for a friend, realized that, as long as im not chatting nonstop, imma hella productive when i stream.
SO COME WATCH ME ART THINGS
http://www.livestream.com/riotdraws
as a note, i'll be going until about 3:30-4 EST, then have an intermission to clean house a bit before coming back online later this evening. i'll post again this evening when i'm back online again so if you miss this one, S'ALL GOOD!
[pssst ocirus there's shit for you]
OH, AND FIRST PART OF STREAM IS SFW BUT LATER IT WONT BE, I'LL UPDATE WHEN IT'S NO LONGER SFW.
finally got my desktop all set up yesterday! started working last night on overdue work, streamed for a friend, realized that, as long as im not chatting nonstop, imma hella productive when i stream.
SO COME WATCH ME ART THINGS
http://www.livestream.com/riotdraws
as a note, i'll be going until about 3:30-4 EST, then have an intermission to clean house a bit before coming back online later this evening. i'll post again this evening when i'm back online again so if you miss this one, S'ALL GOOD!
[pssst ocirus there's shit for you]
OH, AND FIRST PART OF STREAM IS SFW BUT LATER IT WONT BE, I'LL UPDATE WHEN IT'S NO LONGER SFW.
please remind me
Posted 12 years agonever to keep talking to people after refunding them money. what is the point? you ask for a refund, i say okay. magically we cant get ahold of each other anymore, but i find a way to make paypal let me refund the money, and now you are going to get mad at me. so i offer so go ahead and send you the completed half of our commission. you say no. THE END. THAT'S IT. THAT SHOULD BE THE END OF IT.
NONE OF THIS "YOU'RE RIPOFF AND A TERRIBLE PERSON"
okay, i missed a deadline, we lost contact, i moved and then i got the flu-->pnuemonia. but i gave you back your money, AND I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU YOUR COMMISSION. if you dont want it, that's fine. don't continue to complain, it accomplishes absolutley NOTHING!
i'm sorry if this is weird to some of you but i am very stressed out at the moment... and i'm sure plenty of people will see me as the one at fault, which i am, but so is she for not giving me the info i needed to get a head start, and for changing her mind back and forth on what she wanted.
i don't think i have EVER experienced someone complaining about getting a refund, and then complaining even MORE when i try to give them their art anyway! i dont understand. pretty sure the fact that i now have zero money, and am trying to give you your stuff, is me getting ripped off, not me ripping you off. unless that's now what ripoff means, have i been wrong my entire life about the meaning of that word?
PS: i have a rule when i get angry emails. if they are 3-4 lines on gmail, i will read them because it's short and concise and means either few complaints of at least concise, thought-out complaints.
if its 3-5 PARAGRAPHS I WON'T READ IT. SORRY. i'm not gonna spend 20 minutes of my time making myself feel bad by reading what boils down to hatemail.
i accept criticism and like to think that i try to work things out, things go wrong sometimes, and sometimes i am a stubborn ass and dont want to listen, but i've been in both positions so i try to be reasonable and work things out. if the other party doesn't want to accept my efforts to reconcile a situation, i believe it is on them at that point. and not me.
///endrant
PPS i am on so many drugs. and i've been trying to find the stuff i need to finish sasha's buttons [I HAD THEM ALL PRINTED AND CUT AND READY TO BE BUTTONIZED AND NOW THE MACHIEN IS MISSING?!] and hizu's tail [IS IT IT MY DRESSER? I DONT KNOW BECAUSE I CANT OPEN THE DRAWS CAUSE IT'S IN A CLOSET AND I CANT EVEN GET TO MY CLOTHES] and zeik's badge [IT'S DONE. IT NEEDS A CLIP. BUT ITS IN A BOX. THE BOXES ARE BEHIND THE DRESSER. IN THE CLOSET. DAMMIT MOM.]
NONE OF THIS "YOU'RE RIPOFF AND A TERRIBLE PERSON"
okay, i missed a deadline, we lost contact, i moved and then i got the flu-->pnuemonia. but i gave you back your money, AND I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU YOUR COMMISSION. if you dont want it, that's fine. don't continue to complain, it accomplishes absolutley NOTHING!
i'm sorry if this is weird to some of you but i am very stressed out at the moment... and i'm sure plenty of people will see me as the one at fault, which i am, but so is she for not giving me the info i needed to get a head start, and for changing her mind back and forth on what she wanted.
i don't think i have EVER experienced someone complaining about getting a refund, and then complaining even MORE when i try to give them their art anyway! i dont understand. pretty sure the fact that i now have zero money, and am trying to give you your stuff, is me getting ripped off, not me ripping you off. unless that's now what ripoff means, have i been wrong my entire life about the meaning of that word?
PS: i have a rule when i get angry emails. if they are 3-4 lines on gmail, i will read them because it's short and concise and means either few complaints of at least concise, thought-out complaints.
if its 3-5 PARAGRAPHS I WON'T READ IT. SORRY. i'm not gonna spend 20 minutes of my time making myself feel bad by reading what boils down to hatemail.
i accept criticism and like to think that i try to work things out, things go wrong sometimes, and sometimes i am a stubborn ass and dont want to listen, but i've been in both positions so i try to be reasonable and work things out. if the other party doesn't want to accept my efforts to reconcile a situation, i believe it is on them at that point. and not me.
///endrant
PPS i am on so many drugs. and i've been trying to find the stuff i need to finish sasha's buttons [I HAD THEM ALL PRINTED AND CUT AND READY TO BE BUTTONIZED AND NOW THE MACHIEN IS MISSING?!] and hizu's tail [IS IT IT MY DRESSER? I DONT KNOW BECAUSE I CANT OPEN THE DRAWS CAUSE IT'S IN A CLOSET AND I CANT EVEN GET TO MY CLOTHES] and zeik's badge [IT'S DONE. IT NEEDS A CLIP. BUT ITS IN A BOX. THE BOXES ARE BEHIND THE DRESSER. IN THE CLOSET. DAMMIT MOM.]
GUESS WHO HAS PNEUMONIA
Posted 12 years agoAND A SINUS INFECTION.
HINT: IT'S ME.
the flu smptoms were mostly gone but my couch was only getting worse, mom made me go back to the doctor. and now i have pneumonia [though is could also be bronchitis, either way, my lungs got fluids in them and that's not good!]
they didn't xray me today, isntead they gave me all the meds to treat the bronchitis/pneumonia, and the sinus infection, and said if i'm not better in 10 days to come back to xrays.
i didn't really think it had become anything that bad cause i've felt fine cooped up in the house [other than hacking and couching when i try to sleep or... random intervals really] but i was only out of the house for 3 hours today running errands, and i am exhausted. so i believe the doctor. XD gonna be doing more sleep now. after that, gonna try to get some art done maybe. i tried to art last night, did a little but stopped when i got tired, looked at it today and was like DEAR GOD AM I ON DRUGS then i remembered OH YEAH I AM. xD
that is all.
HINT: IT'S ME.
the flu smptoms were mostly gone but my couch was only getting worse, mom made me go back to the doctor. and now i have pneumonia [though is could also be bronchitis, either way, my lungs got fluids in them and that's not good!]
they didn't xray me today, isntead they gave me all the meds to treat the bronchitis/pneumonia, and the sinus infection, and said if i'm not better in 10 days to come back to xrays.
i didn't really think it had become anything that bad cause i've felt fine cooped up in the house [other than hacking and couching when i try to sleep or... random intervals really] but i was only out of the house for 3 hours today running errands, and i am exhausted. so i believe the doctor. XD gonna be doing more sleep now. after that, gonna try to get some art done maybe. i tried to art last night, did a little but stopped when i got tired, looked at it today and was like DEAR GOD AM I ON DRUGS then i remembered OH YEAH I AM. xD
that is all.
god i hate the flu.
Posted 12 years agothat's really all there is to say on the matter.
did i mention i sliced my finger open with a steak knife a couple days ago? left index finger. just about shaved off a nice big slice. had to go to the doctor cause it was bleeding so much i couldnt tell how deep it was. he coulda done stitched but said it'd work just as well to just dress it tight. i've since removed the dressing and put on bandaids. it hurts like a bitch still but the peice of flesh is still alive and seems to be staying in place. so i guess that's good.
alright goodnight everybody.
did i mention i sliced my finger open with a steak knife a couple days ago? left index finger. just about shaved off a nice big slice. had to go to the doctor cause it was bleeding so much i couldnt tell how deep it was. he coulda done stitched but said it'd work just as well to just dress it tight. i've since removed the dressing and put on bandaids. it hurts like a bitch still but the peice of flesh is still alive and seems to be staying in place. so i guess that's good.
alright goodnight everybody.
FLU.
Posted 12 years agojust realized i never posted a journal to alert you guys that i have the flu. YES, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUMMER! I HAVE THE FLU! i am one talented lady. let me tell you.
been sick since tihs past tuesday night [23rd] and only just well enough to start walking around the house as of yesterday afternoon.
today i'm taking it easy, trying to catch up on messages and trying to get ahold of some commissioners who i owe art so i can refund them.
if i owe you a peice of drawn artwork, you have the opportunity now to request a refund and be removed from my queu, or change your order to something cast [or to a credit towards something cast]. my money is limited though as i've missed the past few weeks of work due to the move and the sicks, but i will refund you asap if you request this.
anything sewn or casting related i am still able to do, and could be doing now except i dont want to get flu germs on your work so i'm going to wait at least a few more days so i dont get germs on things.
also, a reminder about my Casting Demo, it is still going to be happening, please see FB post here: https://www.facebook.com/events/180395082128355/
for those without FB or if you have trouble viewing the page, here is info.
Friday, august 16th from 6-9 pm: Part one, creating and prepping base models, safety, and mold-making
Saturday, august 17th 6-9 pm: Part two, casting methods, mold care, storage.
both events are potluck, so bring food. i don't care if you make it yourself or buy it, there shouldn't be many more than 8-10 people, 15 at most it seems. you can bring something like cookies or brownies but normal food like hot dogs are also appreciated. i have a grill on which we can grill things if need be.
also, we have a covered deck, so while we can't work in a downpour, if its drizzling out, that will not stop us :)
ALSO IF ANYONE IN THE ATLANTA/ROSWELL AREA IS LOOKING TO ADOPT A DOG, PLEASE CONTACT ME VIA EMAIL AT ANARCROW[at]GMAIL.COM
i am looking to rehome my dog, seen in my profile picture. she is a 60 lbs aussie-boxer mix, passive and sweet, sleeps in a kennel, needs a home either with other dog/dogs, or someone around alot to keep her company. also needs either a yard or multiple walks a day. if you are interested, email me with info on your living situation, work situation, and any other relevent info.
been sick since tihs past tuesday night [23rd] and only just well enough to start walking around the house as of yesterday afternoon.
today i'm taking it easy, trying to catch up on messages and trying to get ahold of some commissioners who i owe art so i can refund them.
if i owe you a peice of drawn artwork, you have the opportunity now to request a refund and be removed from my queu, or change your order to something cast [or to a credit towards something cast]. my money is limited though as i've missed the past few weeks of work due to the move and the sicks, but i will refund you asap if you request this.
anything sewn or casting related i am still able to do, and could be doing now except i dont want to get flu germs on your work so i'm going to wait at least a few more days so i dont get germs on things.
also, a reminder about my Casting Demo, it is still going to be happening, please see FB post here: https://www.facebook.com/events/180395082128355/
for those without FB or if you have trouble viewing the page, here is info.
Friday, august 16th from 6-9 pm: Part one, creating and prepping base models, safety, and mold-making
Saturday, august 17th 6-9 pm: Part two, casting methods, mold care, storage.
both events are potluck, so bring food. i don't care if you make it yourself or buy it, there shouldn't be many more than 8-10 people, 15 at most it seems. you can bring something like cookies or brownies but normal food like hot dogs are also appreciated. i have a grill on which we can grill things if need be.
also, we have a covered deck, so while we can't work in a downpour, if its drizzling out, that will not stop us :)
ALSO IF ANYONE IN THE ATLANTA/ROSWELL AREA IS LOOKING TO ADOPT A DOG, PLEASE CONTACT ME VIA EMAIL AT ANARCROW[at]GMAIL.COM
i am looking to rehome my dog, seen in my profile picture. she is a 60 lbs aussie-boxer mix, passive and sweet, sleeps in a kennel, needs a home either with other dog/dogs, or someone around alot to keep her company. also needs either a yard or multiple walks a day. if you are interested, email me with info on your living situation, work situation, and any other relevent info.
UPDATEl move done, but the work aint over...
Posted 12 years agoso, last week mom and i moved into a new house. no internet til the 25th [i'm at boyfriend's tonight using his] and my own bedroom probably wont be setup until after my birthday [august 6th] meaning i wont have my desktop. i do however have my laptop in moderate working condition, so i'm going to try to do the pic in sai and hope my laptop doesnt crash it XD i've had my bf's engineer genius roommate help me clean up some crap out of it without actually doing a factory reset, so i should be able to do some digital work, but things will be sparse. hoping to get some work done today/tonight while boyfriend is at work, and maybe one day next week [spending all weekend unpacking] knock it out in another solid day or work.
alright, that's pretty much it for now! will do my best to get things back to normal asap. i have contacted a few people about refunds or how to contact me for their updates, but i thought i'd go ahead and announce here, if you need me for anything, i will nto eb on FA regularly until august [no internet + busy] so please email me at anarcrow[at]gmail.com as i can access email on my phone.
thanks for all your patience guys! it really means alot. i outta like make some buttons or stickers or something to mail out to your wonderful people. but again, that would be biting off another project i dont need to be doing XD
alright, that's pretty much it for now! will do my best to get things back to normal asap. i have contacted a few people about refunds or how to contact me for their updates, but i thought i'd go ahead and announce here, if you need me for anything, i will nto eb on FA regularly until august [no internet + busy] so please email me at anarcrow[at]gmail.com as i can access email on my phone.
thanks for all your patience guys! it really means alot. i outta like make some buttons or stickers or something to mail out to your wonderful people. but again, that would be biting off another project i dont need to be doing XD
yet another update XD
Posted 12 years ago just wanted to give you guys another quick update, so here's a randomly sorted list
-move date is the 10th
- We got rid of my bed a week and a half ago after discovering a huge bed bug infestation
- Ben starting at boyfriend's apartment for past week+ she to need bugs and arguments with mom
- No more access to desktop, tablet, sewing machine cause it's all been packed
- have my laptop working enough to check email but not much else, using phone for everything, including thisjournal
- anxiety attacks have been happening again, andI my depression ( which had been under control for years) is back; I'm going to get back to therapy soon as I find a good doctor
- looking for a new home for my dog; if you know anyone inthe Atlanta area looking for a dog, point them my way
- I do have access to casting and permission to work at boyfriend's, but only on the deck. I've gotten a little work done(remaking deer hoof molds) but recent rain had halted work for past several days
- all badge commissions are done, but my laminator seems to have been packed, so I won't be able to laminate/ ship badges till after we unpack from the move.
- looking to clear commissions Que asap, so working hard to get things done. gods bless my boyfriend for putting up with all my shit and letting me bring dangerous chemicals and dead things into his home so I can work. <3
-move date is the 10th
- We got rid of my bed a week and a half ago after discovering a huge bed bug infestation
- Ben starting at boyfriend's apartment for past week+ she to need bugs and arguments with mom
- No more access to desktop, tablet, sewing machine cause it's all been packed
- have my laptop working enough to check email but not much else, using phone for everything, including thisjournal
- anxiety attacks have been happening again, andI my depression ( which had been under control for years) is back; I'm going to get back to therapy soon as I find a good doctor
- looking for a new home for my dog; if you know anyone inthe Atlanta area looking for a dog, point them my way
- I do have access to casting and permission to work at boyfriend's, but only on the deck. I've gotten a little work done(remaking deer hoof molds) but recent rain had halted work for past several days
- all badge commissions are done, but my laminator seems to have been packed, so I won't be able to laminate/ ship badges till after we unpack from the move.
- looking to clear commissions Que asap, so working hard to get things done. gods bless my boyfriend for putting up with all my shit and letting me bring dangerous chemicals and dead things into his home so I can work. <3
auction and commissions UPDATE!
Posted 12 years agoALRIGHT, some of you may or may not know, i'm moving in july. the date has changed so many times, first it was end of july, then it was mid-july, and up until a week and a half ago we thought it was MID JUNE. so things have been hectic, up until a week ish ago when we were told it woudl need to be the first weekend of july.
Regardless, i'm sure you can see how this would take up alto of time XD shockingly, i've actually been getting a little bit of work done! AT LAST!
my mom's got every surface in our house covered in boxes or packing supplies, so i bought myself a 6' plastic folding table to work on, and much to mother's chiding i have been able to get some of those non-art commissions worked on a little bit.
i'm going to see if my boyfriend will mind me setting my thing sup on his deck, but his 2 roommates will have to approve so idk if this will happen, but if it DOEs, it means i can do alot more work much more easily.
anyway, as for the auction, i have also been delayed working on that because of all this craycray, but hoping to get it done by midjuly. end of july at the latest. i feel terrible for it being delayed like this, especially cause, unlike most commissions, it's something i would be drawing/creating even if i weren't being paid XD not to say i dont enjoy my work, but it can be hard to motivate one-self when working on something for someone else, while being chided for not working hard enough or making enough money and being told to get a "real job." /insert life story of every artist here\
in other news, only con i am attending for the rest of the year is Dragon Con, and that's not as an artist its just for fun. Also, i all reserved for FWA dealers den next year. It will be the grand first showcasing of White Faun Productions.
that's about it for now. again, i'm sorry for the delay guys, i'm slowly getting caught up even thought i got even more shit dragging me down now than i did in school, but i finally am saying FUCKIT and just trying to get work done even if doing it pisses off those around me. XD
Regardless, i'm sure you can see how this would take up alto of time XD shockingly, i've actually been getting a little bit of work done! AT LAST!
my mom's got every surface in our house covered in boxes or packing supplies, so i bought myself a 6' plastic folding table to work on, and much to mother's chiding i have been able to get some of those non-art commissions worked on a little bit.
i'm going to see if my boyfriend will mind me setting my thing sup on his deck, but his 2 roommates will have to approve so idk if this will happen, but if it DOEs, it means i can do alot more work much more easily.
anyway, as for the auction, i have also been delayed working on that because of all this craycray, but hoping to get it done by midjuly. end of july at the latest. i feel terrible for it being delayed like this, especially cause, unlike most commissions, it's something i would be drawing/creating even if i weren't being paid XD not to say i dont enjoy my work, but it can be hard to motivate one-self when working on something for someone else, while being chided for not working hard enough or making enough money and being told to get a "real job." /insert life story of every artist here\
in other news, only con i am attending for the rest of the year is Dragon Con, and that's not as an artist its just for fun. Also, i all reserved for FWA dealers den next year. It will be the grand first showcasing of White Faun Productions.
that's about it for now. again, i'm sorry for the delay guys, i'm slowly getting caught up even thought i got even more shit dragging me down now than i did in school, but i finally am saying FUCKIT and just trying to get work done even if doing it pisses off those around me. XD
UPDATE FOR COMMISSIONS -- final stretch!
Posted 12 years agoso, we are in the final stretch! last final exam/class is thursday.
i will start answering notes again after that, but i am helping my boyfriend with his move this weekend so i won't actually be able to get to work on anything until sunday. actually i wont event have access to a computer after class until sunday XD
so i may not answer notes until then because i want to be able to sit down and answer everyone's all at once, so i apologize for not responding, but i feel its unfair to answer some and not others especially if i can put it in a journal!
so yeah, i'll be doing hizu and the two liz's stuff first as those are time sensitive, the rest will follow the order in my queue.
list here
i want to thank all of you for your patience and for not killing me for taking so long on things, it raises my anxiety severely just knowing how long it has taken me, but the fact that you guys are so nice about it and don't harp on me makes it alot easier to tackle your commissions. so thank you. <3
i will start answering notes again after that, but i am helping my boyfriend with his move this weekend so i won't actually be able to get to work on anything until sunday. actually i wont event have access to a computer after class until sunday XD
so i may not answer notes until then because i want to be able to sit down and answer everyone's all at once, so i apologize for not responding, but i feel its unfair to answer some and not others especially if i can put it in a journal!
so yeah, i'll be doing hizu and the two liz's stuff first as those are time sensitive, the rest will follow the order in my queue.
list here
i want to thank all of you for your patience and for not killing me for taking so long on things, it raises my anxiety severely just knowing how long it has taken me, but the fact that you guys are so nice about it and don't harp on me makes it alot easier to tackle your commissions. so thank you. <3
finally balancing out, actually getting back to work
Posted 12 years agoAlright, so things have been super rough lately and i haven't really given a proper update on my status, as well as commission statuses, in about three weeks, so here's an update for you.
school
i withdrew form my advanced conceptual illustration class, and was given a partial refund for doing so before midterms. However, i stayed in my Art History I class as it was the more financially sound option--if i withdrew from both [stopped classes altogether] i would owe around 4k to the school. By staying in one class, they give me $500. It's complicated but that's how it works.
Even so, getting my financial aid in order has been an absolute bitch--such as contacting my loan lender to tell them that in fact i have NOT dropped out of school completely because apparently they think i did and are now asking us to begin paying my loans off x.x so yeah, been busy with that alot :/
Still have school two days a week, but Art History is far less stressful, and i'm actually doing quite well in that class, and should pass with a B or possibly even an A. :) It's midterms this week so i'm not worried about whether or not i'll be able to handle it, things are going alright.
non-art work
currently i've got two consistent modeling jobs, one every friday [and occasionally mondays as well] downtown which goes for 2-3 hours starting around noon [hurray for sapping a whole day XD], and one every other wednesday evening. These are indefinite for the moment but i expect the wednesday one will only last another month or two, but i'm not sure.
On mondays i'm not modeling, i'm in mom's office for a half or full day, doign secretary time work--filing, organizing documents, sending out letters and packages, and also being trained to do registered payroll so that i can do some work at home as well.
commissions/art-related work
here's the current furry-related commissions i have to finish in the immediate future:
1. ears+tail for liz
2. tail for hizu
3. badge for ezekial
4. buttons for sashakitty
here are other commissions i have to work on in the very near future
1. Monster prototype sculpt to be cast and sold as toys for PYM
2. jackalope monster girl accessory set for Nora
3. dyed wig for Stef
i got really thrown off when school started, then anxiety, now the financial shit... it's like every time i seem to find some free time, something else comes up...
LIKE MY NEW DOG.
we got a dog.
have some pics 1 2 3
As you can see she's big. she's a year old. which means she's still a puppy, and will get bigger. This also means she has accidents. I probably spend at least an hour a day cleaning up accident, not necessarily cause they happen often, but more because when she pees in the kitchen its at least 3 feet across :I
that's about it for now. Hoping to get some sewing done tonight and will be doing some dyeing friday for the projects that need dyeing [because i gotta do it on weekends cause it takes up the whole bathroom for a day or two, and we only have one bathroom, and mom showers ever single day of the week during the work-week but on friday-saturday there's a break of time... yeah. it's been annoying trying to get a time to dye x.x]
school
i withdrew form my advanced conceptual illustration class, and was given a partial refund for doing so before midterms. However, i stayed in my Art History I class as it was the more financially sound option--if i withdrew from both [stopped classes altogether] i would owe around 4k to the school. By staying in one class, they give me $500. It's complicated but that's how it works.
Even so, getting my financial aid in order has been an absolute bitch--such as contacting my loan lender to tell them that in fact i have NOT dropped out of school completely because apparently they think i did and are now asking us to begin paying my loans off x.x so yeah, been busy with that alot :/
Still have school two days a week, but Art History is far less stressful, and i'm actually doing quite well in that class, and should pass with a B or possibly even an A. :) It's midterms this week so i'm not worried about whether or not i'll be able to handle it, things are going alright.
non-art work
currently i've got two consistent modeling jobs, one every friday [and occasionally mondays as well] downtown which goes for 2-3 hours starting around noon [hurray for sapping a whole day XD], and one every other wednesday evening. These are indefinite for the moment but i expect the wednesday one will only last another month or two, but i'm not sure.
On mondays i'm not modeling, i'm in mom's office for a half or full day, doign secretary time work--filing, organizing documents, sending out letters and packages, and also being trained to do registered payroll so that i can do some work at home as well.
commissions/art-related work
here's the current furry-related commissions i have to finish in the immediate future:
1. ears+tail for liz
2. tail for hizu
3. badge for ezekial
4. buttons for sashakitty
here are other commissions i have to work on in the very near future
1. Monster prototype sculpt to be cast and sold as toys for PYM
2. jackalope monster girl accessory set for Nora
3. dyed wig for Stef
i got really thrown off when school started, then anxiety, now the financial shit... it's like every time i seem to find some free time, something else comes up...
LIKE MY NEW DOG.
we got a dog.
have some pics 1 2 3
As you can see she's big. she's a year old. which means she's still a puppy, and will get bigger. This also means she has accidents. I probably spend at least an hour a day cleaning up accident, not necessarily cause they happen often, but more because when she pees in the kitchen its at least 3 feet across :I
that's about it for now. Hoping to get some sewing done tonight and will be doing some dyeing friday for the projects that need dyeing [because i gotta do it on weekends cause it takes up the whole bathroom for a day or two, and we only have one bathroom, and mom showers ever single day of the week during the work-week but on friday-saturday there's a break of time... yeah. it's been annoying trying to get a time to dye x.x]
new account
Posted 12 years agoyo, i'm doing some art therapy. made a new account for kinky porny shit.
go watch it.
you'll find some YCH auctions there. no griping about YCH auctions please, literally the main reason im doin them is cause i wanna draw these scenes but i dont have characters to fit in them, but i'm not doing free art for people anymore.
anyway, account
miz.riot
yaya. drawing shit. or trying anyways. wish me luck.
go watch it.
you'll find some YCH auctions there. no griping about YCH auctions please, literally the main reason im doin them is cause i wanna draw these scenes but i dont have characters to fit in them, but i'm not doing free art for people anymore.
anyway, account
miz.riotyaya. drawing shit. or trying anyways. wish me luck.
anxiety=withdrawing from school, and the silver lining
Posted 12 years agoi can't even begin to explain the amount of bullshit i have been dealing with lately, but its like every facet of my life is just overflowing with stress-inducers. last thursday i had a full blown break during my concept art class, was able to excuse myself to the restroom before i totally lost it and started hyperventilating.
take note, here's what NOT to do when you dee someone having an anxiety attack:
1. do not tell them "just calm down and everything will be okay."
2. do not tell them "just tell yourself it will be better"
3. do not tell them "just stop letting things get to you/just stop having anxiety"
4. do not touch them unless they directly ask to be touched, or they touch you.
5. do not stand there awkwardly and quiet/fretting over them.
these are all things some idiot girl did when she entered the bathroom. i know she had good intentions but she just tripled the length and intensity of my anxiety attack.
here are some GOOD THINGS to do when you see someone having an anxiety attack:
1. calmy and rationally ask if they need you to get them anything, such as water
2. speak in a calm voice, keep a distance, but be polite and patient
3. if you have anxiety, and understand what they are going through, do not start telling the person all about your own problems, but it is okay to relate your experiences, such as with commentary like "oh, i know what that's like. just gotta ride it out sometimes" or other general statements.
4. suggest deep breathing, but acknowledge that it doesnt work for everyone [even though it really does work for pretty much everyone, but anxiety=pessimism most of the time, so don't TELL them to breath, just SUGGEST slower beathing]
5. get them to start talking, but do not ask directly what the source of th anxiety is--let them bring it up, or talk about some random subject. talking uses brain power and pulls a person out of subconcious thought and into explanatory thought, and can make breathign easier because the person's thought process has shifted
6. leave in a timely manner, do not treat them as if they are the msot important thing ever--get back to what you were doing before so they can finish up for themselves.
these are all things that a professor at school did, even though we didn't know each other and she never even got my name
Due to these things, i will be dropping out of at least one, if not both of my classes at school, and i am dropping my concept art major. It is alot of extra money for the 3 classes left in it, all the other classes for it i already took for my major but now all the classes are extras, and i just don't need to do it--i don't want to do concept art for a living, so why push myself in a class that is only triggering my anxiety to rise even more, ya know?
Though don't get me wrong, school is not the source, its just a trigger for the more personal issues that i do not want to, and will not go into here, even if you send me a private note. those i am comfortable telling already know so don't ask.
Still unsure if i'm going to be dropping my art history class or not, going to try to do it but i gotta guage how the next week goes as to if it's worth it.
i'm gonna be working 1-2 days a week at mum's office to keep busy and earn money to pay bills and also save up, and this will also open up alot more time for commissions--firstly finishing the one's i have [and following up with people who i'm waiting on details from].
THE SILVER LINING
i will now have alot more time to focus on something i enjoy and that i am very good at: making costume parts, mostly cast things that you can't normally find.
Plenty of people do resin masks, eyes, claws, pawpads... i'm gonna try to do some different things.
1. heavy duty, ultra-realistic resin hooves cast onto heel-less shoes for a realistic look and fit [all feet done in this way]
2. resin paws [starting with a wolf/large dog type], in 2 types, one made to be furred, and one made to be painted with texture in the cast itself
3. ANTLERS. i know alot of you guys are content with the slick cheap plastic ones, sometimes real ones work, but i'm not easily contended myself. Plus, those palstic ones don't work for reindeer, or elk, or any more unique cervids! i'm hoping to make affordable realistic antlers cast from the real thing, wearable not jsut on fursuit heads but also on a human head
4. down the road, REPTILE & AQUATIC PARTS! but what will be special about mine? NO FUR, NO FLEECE. instead, latex/silicone coating over spandex, for a real scaled look and feel. feet, legs, tails, whatever you want. I want some good looking velociraptor feet with big-ol resin claws.
i'll be open to any suggestions or commissions for custom work that involved casting and alot of extra labor most people can't do. My goal is to create the next generation of realistic fursuit parts and anthropomorphics beyond just the face and the fur, with less foam and less exageration--more of your body for your fursona.
I'll be making a video of the next cast hooves i do within the next week, and also of the process as i get my antlers/sheds, mold, and cast them.
I also have my second Maquette commission for a non-profit company that works towards HIV/STD awereness, and i'm honored to be able to do this pro-bono job, which also gives royalties and gets my name out there.
As always, i'm open for commissions for maquettes [sculptures] of your personal characters! If you're interested, check out the characters you see here for examples of the variety of work i can do.
EDIT 4.16
I realized that alot of people don't know what it means to have a major anxiety attack/meltdown like i experienced, and in my exasperation i failed to clarify for commissioners, friends, acquaintances, and concerned parties.
To clarify, i mentioned time opening up for commissions--this means finishing the ones i currently have before taking on new ones, as you can see both here and on my WEASYL, my commission status is listed as closed. However, i will not be able to get to them as soon as i'm sure you guys would like. I know i'm overdue on the only two things that i have the go-ahead to complete, but you have to understand, i am sick. And i'm not referring to physical illness [although, actually, my crazy hives/rash thing that i thought was cured is back, and i've been having some severe nausea and insomnia].
The illness i'm referring to is the chemical imbalance at the root of my severe chronic anxiety, and to a lesser extent my depression and my ADHD. I am on medication. I have been on medication for ADHD sinc ei was 5, i have been on medication for depression since i was 14, and i have been trying to find an anxiety medication that works for the past 2 years. We found one in september, i had to go off of it because we thought it made me sick, and today i finally got back up to the dose i was previously on, but it can't fix the damage already done, only help me cope with future thing.
My anxiety doesn't ordinally give me severe meltdowns like occured last week, the last time i had one of those was over 3 years ago. My anxiety presents in physical symptons: heart palpitations, hot flashes, chills, shaking/jitters, nausea/vomitting, fevers, and extreme drowsiness.
Every day i struggle with a severe chest pains from intense heart palpitations as i drive to school.
Every day i struggle with shaky hands when i draw around my classmates and friends, so much so that i can't ink a drawing at all.
I wear layers year round-tank top, tshirt, sweater, jacket, socks, leggings, shorts or skirts--winter through summer, to accomodate the chills i get in 80 degree weather, and the hot flashes i get in 40 degree weather.
Not to mention, the chills/shakes i get, the ones that make my whole body jolt suddenly, sets off my 2 dislocated ribs and my bad hips, often paralyzing my momentarily to the extend that i have to have someone help me to the floor to lay down until my body relaxes and "resets" so to speak.
I can't work on commissions right now. I may be okay right this second, i managed to distract myself with a stupid drawing of one of my bff's as a magical girl, but as soon as i look at a bottle of ink or dye, i start shaking again and my head starts swirling and i get scared.
If there were any drawing in art history i'd be screwed, but there's not, and its cheaper for me to keep taking the one class that it is to drop both, but i can't do... much of anything... i'm kind of useless for now, unless its like making a cast of the hooves cause i already had the mold and its like pouring a class of OJ to make hooves. .-.
long and short, please, leave me alone. follow my journals for updates, also follow my twitter, riothawk, for minor life updates.
take note, here's what NOT to do when you dee someone having an anxiety attack:
1. do not tell them "just calm down and everything will be okay."
2. do not tell them "just tell yourself it will be better"
3. do not tell them "just stop letting things get to you/just stop having anxiety"
4. do not touch them unless they directly ask to be touched, or they touch you.
5. do not stand there awkwardly and quiet/fretting over them.
these are all things some idiot girl did when she entered the bathroom. i know she had good intentions but she just tripled the length and intensity of my anxiety attack.
here are some GOOD THINGS to do when you see someone having an anxiety attack:
1. calmy and rationally ask if they need you to get them anything, such as water
2. speak in a calm voice, keep a distance, but be polite and patient
3. if you have anxiety, and understand what they are going through, do not start telling the person all about your own problems, but it is okay to relate your experiences, such as with commentary like "oh, i know what that's like. just gotta ride it out sometimes" or other general statements.
4. suggest deep breathing, but acknowledge that it doesnt work for everyone [even though it really does work for pretty much everyone, but anxiety=pessimism most of the time, so don't TELL them to breath, just SUGGEST slower beathing]
5. get them to start talking, but do not ask directly what the source of th anxiety is--let them bring it up, or talk about some random subject. talking uses brain power and pulls a person out of subconcious thought and into explanatory thought, and can make breathign easier because the person's thought process has shifted
6. leave in a timely manner, do not treat them as if they are the msot important thing ever--get back to what you were doing before so they can finish up for themselves.
these are all things that a professor at school did, even though we didn't know each other and she never even got my name
Due to these things, i will be dropping out of at least one, if not both of my classes at school, and i am dropping my concept art major. It is alot of extra money for the 3 classes left in it, all the other classes for it i already took for my major but now all the classes are extras, and i just don't need to do it--i don't want to do concept art for a living, so why push myself in a class that is only triggering my anxiety to rise even more, ya know?
Though don't get me wrong, school is not the source, its just a trigger for the more personal issues that i do not want to, and will not go into here, even if you send me a private note. those i am comfortable telling already know so don't ask.
Still unsure if i'm going to be dropping my art history class or not, going to try to do it but i gotta guage how the next week goes as to if it's worth it.
i'm gonna be working 1-2 days a week at mum's office to keep busy and earn money to pay bills and also save up, and this will also open up alot more time for commissions--firstly finishing the one's i have [and following up with people who i'm waiting on details from].
THE SILVER LINING
i will now have alot more time to focus on something i enjoy and that i am very good at: making costume parts, mostly cast things that you can't normally find.
Plenty of people do resin masks, eyes, claws, pawpads... i'm gonna try to do some different things.
1. heavy duty, ultra-realistic resin hooves cast onto heel-less shoes for a realistic look and fit [all feet done in this way]
2. resin paws [starting with a wolf/large dog type], in 2 types, one made to be furred, and one made to be painted with texture in the cast itself
3. ANTLERS. i know alot of you guys are content with the slick cheap plastic ones, sometimes real ones work, but i'm not easily contended myself. Plus, those palstic ones don't work for reindeer, or elk, or any more unique cervids! i'm hoping to make affordable realistic antlers cast from the real thing, wearable not jsut on fursuit heads but also on a human head
4. down the road, REPTILE & AQUATIC PARTS! but what will be special about mine? NO FUR, NO FLEECE. instead, latex/silicone coating over spandex, for a real scaled look and feel. feet, legs, tails, whatever you want. I want some good looking velociraptor feet with big-ol resin claws.
i'll be open to any suggestions or commissions for custom work that involved casting and alot of extra labor most people can't do. My goal is to create the next generation of realistic fursuit parts and anthropomorphics beyond just the face and the fur, with less foam and less exageration--more of your body for your fursona.
I'll be making a video of the next cast hooves i do within the next week, and also of the process as i get my antlers/sheds, mold, and cast them.
I also have my second Maquette commission for a non-profit company that works towards HIV/STD awereness, and i'm honored to be able to do this pro-bono job, which also gives royalties and gets my name out there.
As always, i'm open for commissions for maquettes [sculptures] of your personal characters! If you're interested, check out the characters you see here for examples of the variety of work i can do.
EDIT 4.16
I realized that alot of people don't know what it means to have a major anxiety attack/meltdown like i experienced, and in my exasperation i failed to clarify for commissioners, friends, acquaintances, and concerned parties.
To clarify, i mentioned time opening up for commissions--this means finishing the ones i currently have before taking on new ones, as you can see both here and on my WEASYL, my commission status is listed as closed. However, i will not be able to get to them as soon as i'm sure you guys would like. I know i'm overdue on the only two things that i have the go-ahead to complete, but you have to understand, i am sick. And i'm not referring to physical illness [although, actually, my crazy hives/rash thing that i thought was cured is back, and i've been having some severe nausea and insomnia].
The illness i'm referring to is the chemical imbalance at the root of my severe chronic anxiety, and to a lesser extent my depression and my ADHD. I am on medication. I have been on medication for ADHD sinc ei was 5, i have been on medication for depression since i was 14, and i have been trying to find an anxiety medication that works for the past 2 years. We found one in september, i had to go off of it because we thought it made me sick, and today i finally got back up to the dose i was previously on, but it can't fix the damage already done, only help me cope with future thing.
My anxiety doesn't ordinally give me severe meltdowns like occured last week, the last time i had one of those was over 3 years ago. My anxiety presents in physical symptons: heart palpitations, hot flashes, chills, shaking/jitters, nausea/vomitting, fevers, and extreme drowsiness.
Every day i struggle with a severe chest pains from intense heart palpitations as i drive to school.
Every day i struggle with shaky hands when i draw around my classmates and friends, so much so that i can't ink a drawing at all.
I wear layers year round-tank top, tshirt, sweater, jacket, socks, leggings, shorts or skirts--winter through summer, to accomodate the chills i get in 80 degree weather, and the hot flashes i get in 40 degree weather.
Not to mention, the chills/shakes i get, the ones that make my whole body jolt suddenly, sets off my 2 dislocated ribs and my bad hips, often paralyzing my momentarily to the extend that i have to have someone help me to the floor to lay down until my body relaxes and "resets" so to speak.
I can't work on commissions right now. I may be okay right this second, i managed to distract myself with a stupid drawing of one of my bff's as a magical girl, but as soon as i look at a bottle of ink or dye, i start shaking again and my head starts swirling and i get scared.
If there were any drawing in art history i'd be screwed, but there's not, and its cheaper for me to keep taking the one class that it is to drop both, but i can't do... much of anything... i'm kind of useless for now, unless its like making a cast of the hooves cause i already had the mold and its like pouring a class of OJ to make hooves. .-.
long and short, please, leave me alone. follow my journals for updates, also follow my twitter, riothawk, for minor life updates.
commission delays + life updates
Posted 12 years agohey everybodyyyyy i want to apologize to those waiting on commissions from me, its not starting classes that's sapped all my free time, shockingly. its my mother thinking that because i'm "only taking two classes" [note: at SCAD a full load is three classes] i have TONS of free time to help her with things and do extra work! i'm right back to only sleeping 6 hours a night and STILL not having time to do anything.
update on medical things, that mystery rash i mentioned in previous journals, having bloodwork done cause the allergy specialist has no clue what's causing it.
update on car thing, my SUV needs about 4k in repairs, our repairmen told us it isn't really worth fixing, so new car hunting x.x
that's all for now, again, i apologize for the delays x.x maybe tonight while my mom is out on a date i can get some work done :/ i have homework she didnt let me finish thursday so still got that shit... uhg.
wish me luck.
update on medical things, that mystery rash i mentioned in previous journals, having bloodwork done cause the allergy specialist has no clue what's causing it.
update on car thing, my SUV needs about 4k in repairs, our repairmen told us it isn't really worth fixing, so new car hunting x.x
that's all for now, again, i apologize for the delays x.x maybe tonight while my mom is out on a date i can get some work done :/ i have homework she didnt let me finish thursday so still got that shit... uhg.
wish me luck.
FWA Post-con Update + sad news
Posted 12 years agoWell, had a long weekend, but my first time in the dealers den turned out pretty well i'd say! Didn't sell alot alot of smaller things but sold a few hats, a couple tail, and had ALOT of people interested in my hooves! I want to thank everyone for all the compliments and words of kindness, and for all the interest in commissions!
I will DEFINITELY be taking commissions for hooves, i had alot of interest but as i told everyone, i intend to take 3 pairs of hooves at a discounted rate before i boost it. The reason for this is a combination of my needing the practice, and also the current mold i have will not last terrible long and i intend to great a new one very soon. Currently i have a silicon sock mold with a plaster mother-mold, much the way most masks are cast, but this is nto condusive to solid casts, so what i will be doing is making a BLOCK mold, which is literally a giant cube or rubber with the shape in it, so the rubber supports itseld insteaf of needing the plaster. This will last about 10-20x longer than my current sock mold [which already has one tiny tear].
I'm setting the base price for this round of cast hooves at $50. This is the cost of the plastic itself to cast them in, and time/labor, paint, any extra elastic/supports i install on your shoe, and shipping them to you. You must supply the shoes and get them to me somehow.
Fur costs extra and will vary per situation, but a basic solid color would be around $30 extra. Only three accepted at this price, i had alot of people show interest but please note me to reserve your spot.
I will be starting a wolf-paw sculpt very soon. I am currently looking for interested parties to get in on the wolf-paw action to cover the supplies i need to begin them, and get a discount on their paws. These will be more complex, i'll post details later, but interested parties who want to pre-pay for a discount on their final, please note me or email me at anarcrow@gmail.com. These will cost more than the deer but i need to figure out just how much.
Overall, my weekend was pretty good, but it did end on a sad note. My cat Murphy, our 16 1/2 year old Maine Coon, passed away last night. He was old and we knew his kidneys wouldn't last him another year, but he didn't seem so close to passing. We even had an appointment to take him to the vet tomorrow to get him checked out. My mother, whom i live with, informed me that while i was away all weekend, he spent two days straight in his room and started having trouble breathing. We thought it was just a cold, but last night he went into her room, snuggled up beside mom for a few minutes before crawling under the bed and up into the box spring to pass away. I have a friend who might be able to have him cremated for us for free, though we wouldn't get the ashes, but at least them we wouldn't have to throw him away in the dumpster. We rent our house to we can't bury him, and we cant afford private cremation.
sorry to end this journal on such a sad note but wanted to let you guys know what's goin in in my life. All said and done, i have alto to look forward to so it will all end up okay, i know.
I will DEFINITELY be taking commissions for hooves, i had alot of interest but as i told everyone, i intend to take 3 pairs of hooves at a discounted rate before i boost it. The reason for this is a combination of my needing the practice, and also the current mold i have will not last terrible long and i intend to great a new one very soon. Currently i have a silicon sock mold with a plaster mother-mold, much the way most masks are cast, but this is nto condusive to solid casts, so what i will be doing is making a BLOCK mold, which is literally a giant cube or rubber with the shape in it, so the rubber supports itseld insteaf of needing the plaster. This will last about 10-20x longer than my current sock mold [which already has one tiny tear].
I'm setting the base price for this round of cast hooves at $50. This is the cost of the plastic itself to cast them in, and time/labor, paint, any extra elastic/supports i install on your shoe, and shipping them to you. You must supply the shoes and get them to me somehow.
Fur costs extra and will vary per situation, but a basic solid color would be around $30 extra. Only three accepted at this price, i had alot of people show interest but please note me to reserve your spot.
I will be starting a wolf-paw sculpt very soon. I am currently looking for interested parties to get in on the wolf-paw action to cover the supplies i need to begin them, and get a discount on their paws. These will be more complex, i'll post details later, but interested parties who want to pre-pay for a discount on their final, please note me or email me at anarcrow@gmail.com. These will cost more than the deer but i need to figure out just how much.
Overall, my weekend was pretty good, but it did end on a sad note. My cat Murphy, our 16 1/2 year old Maine Coon, passed away last night. He was old and we knew his kidneys wouldn't last him another year, but he didn't seem so close to passing. We even had an appointment to take him to the vet tomorrow to get him checked out. My mother, whom i live with, informed me that while i was away all weekend, he spent two days straight in his room and started having trouble breathing. We thought it was just a cold, but last night he went into her room, snuggled up beside mom for a few minutes before crawling under the bed and up into the box spring to pass away. I have a friend who might be able to have him cremated for us for free, though we wouldn't get the ashes, but at least them we wouldn't have to throw him away in the dumpster. We rent our house to we can't bury him, and we cant afford private cremation.
sorry to end this journal on such a sad note but wanted to let you guys know what's goin in in my life. All said and done, i have alto to look forward to so it will all end up okay, i know.
FWA TABLE
Posted 12 years agoHEY EVERYBODY, GUESS WHO GOT A TABLE.
THIS BITCH.
YES.
DEALERS DEN AHOOOOY!
anyway, i got a dealers table for fwa, so now its time to SCRAMBLE and finish some shit XD
i'll have some of my monster hats, MAYBE some tails, and probably a small array of vinyl horns and claws. i will also have some mini prints for sale, lots of original art [not prints, legit originals!] and some minicomics! along with some adorable as shit keychains, and buttons. if you see me and want a feww paw button of your choosing, just say "goat feet." i'll be taking commissions, traditional only, no digital pre-orders this year, i will have a very short list, rather than taking a ton of commissions all at once, i'll have a short list and be clearing it and opening slots regularly, and i will have a waitlist where you can write your name and cell/email/twitter in case you miss my openings. i may even have an extra surprise for you guys to buy [hint: they go clipclop]
i will be accepting ALL payment methods--cash, paypal, even credit and debit!
i am at table 86, see here for a map
well, i think that's everything! LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU GUYS THERE!
THIS BITCH.
YES.
DEALERS DEN AHOOOOY!
anyway, i got a dealers table for fwa, so now its time to SCRAMBLE and finish some shit XD
i'll have some of my monster hats, MAYBE some tails, and probably a small array of vinyl horns and claws. i will also have some mini prints for sale, lots of original art [not prints, legit originals!] and some minicomics! along with some adorable as shit keychains, and buttons. if you see me and want a feww paw button of your choosing, just say "goat feet." i'll be taking commissions, traditional only, no digital pre-orders this year, i will have a very short list, rather than taking a ton of commissions all at once, i'll have a short list and be clearing it and opening slots regularly, and i will have a waitlist where you can write your name and cell/email/twitter in case you miss my openings. i may even have an extra surprise for you guys to buy [hint: they go clipclop]
i will be accepting ALL payment methods--cash, paypal, even credit and debit!
i am at table 86, see here for a map
well, i think that's everything! LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU GUYS THERE!
HEY WEASYL PEEPS
Posted 12 years agoyup i know it says on my front page but for those who dont read through my beautiful green and purple profile, here is ME.
https://www.weasyl.com/profile/riothawk
PS- for those that don't know, it opened two days ago for Open BETA, so ANYONE can join wihtout an invite!
https://www.weasyl.com/profile/riothawk
PS- for those that don't know, it opened two days ago for Open BETA, so ANYONE can join wihtout an invite!
Bribery
Posted 12 years agoSo i had this idea. there are things i want that cost money. not neccessarily things i could buy for myself, but things that i want none-the-less. And i am definitely the sort of person willing to trade goods and services for other goods/services that i cannot myself create... but the list of things i want is rather short... and i was thinking to myself... what if someone saw me at a con and wanted to GUARANTEE that i'd stop EVERYTHING I'M DOING and just MAKE THEM WHATEVER THEY WANT? or give them a BIG OL DISCOUNT on a HAT or TAIL by letting them give me something i deem of equal value?
these also make great birthday and holiday gifts.
so, here is a list of things you can bribe me with in order to get any of my services--sketches, hats, badges, tails,domme sessions friendship--just about anything.
note: t-shirts should be mediums, and on dark bases
BRIBE || GET IT HERE || WHAT I VALUE IT AT, USD
Raven Skull keychain || mrd74's ETSY || 50 thanks mum :P
Coffer Keys T-shirt || 22MG's society6 || 30
Mosnter Girl/CTENO/Succubus/Big Claws T-Shirt || Slugbox's Spreadshirt || 30-35
Chronoragn Art Book || MagCloud|| 30
Head Armature || Monster Makers|| 70
pallet of quality water colors [+white] || art store--dick blick, binders, etc || 120% original value [show receipt]
Leg Warmers || ETSY || 25
Arm Warmers || ETSY || 25
This list will be continually updated as i find new thing i want. <3
these also make great birthday and holiday gifts.
so, here is a list of things you can bribe me with in order to get any of my services--sketches, hats, badges, tails,
note: t-shirts should be mediums, and on dark bases
BRIBE || GET IT HERE || WHAT I VALUE IT AT, USD
Coffer Keys T-shirt || 22MG's society6 || 30
Mosnter Girl/CTENO/Succubus/Big Claws T-Shirt || Slugbox's Spreadshirt || 30-35
Chronoragn Art Book || MagCloud|| 30
Head Armature || Monster Makers|| 70
pallet of quality water colors [+white] || art store--dick blick, binders, etc || 120% original value [show receipt]
Leg Warmers || ETSY || 25
Arm Warmers || ETSY || 25
This list will be continually updated as i find new thing i want. <3
ELLIOTTS SPRING GATHERING. WHAT THE HELL.
Posted 12 years agoITS IN FUCKING LAZ VEGAS THIS YEAR. WHAT. THE. HELL.
no fucking wonder they didn't announce it. god i am so freaking upset right now, that is my ONE relaxing con this year.
and to think i was hoping that i would be able to get away from all this bullshit and drama by going to this con.
BUT NO. THEY DECIDED TO MOVE IT TO VEGAS. AND THEY GIVE PEOPLE FOUR MONTHS TO PREP. AND THE COMMENT IS THAT THERE ARE CHEAPER OPTIONS IN VEGAS THAN IN ORLANDA. NO, FUCK THAT. AIRFAIR IS NEAR $400.
so fucking pissed right now. really didn't need this on top of everything else.
no fucking wonder they didn't announce it. god i am so freaking upset right now, that is my ONE relaxing con this year.
and to think i was hoping that i would be able to get away from all this bullshit and drama by going to this con.
BUT NO. THEY DECIDED TO MOVE IT TO VEGAS. AND THEY GIVE PEOPLE FOUR MONTHS TO PREP. AND THE COMMENT IS THAT THERE ARE CHEAPER OPTIONS IN VEGAS THAN IN ORLANDA. NO, FUCK THAT. AIRFAIR IS NEAR $400.
so fucking pissed right now. really didn't need this on top of everything else.
FIRST EVER VENT JOURNAL.
Posted 12 years agowarning: lots of talk about bdsm, kink, and lots of cursing. you may be offended. you will also definitely learn some things about me.
i am so fucking upset right now i don't even know what to do with myself. i have homework that needs doing that i just can't. its just one thigns after another after another.
for starts, i'm extremely insecure about myself. i'm painfully aware of this. and painfully aware that there is ALWAYS someone who is already far better at what i want to do that i could ever dream of being. i'm also painfully aware that because i've been hit 3 times in car accidents, i now have severe damange to my spine and ligaments which means i probably wont be able to bend and move very well... well... i already have toruble gettin out of a chair, so 10-15 years from now? may be stuck in a chair permanently.
but there are some places i go, some people i can be around, where i feel safe. where these things don't bother me as much, palces where i can feel normal.
one of those places is the furry fandom--furry conventions, and hangouts with my local furs. i don't feel liek such a freak when i'm surrounded by other people who escape through animal personas and artwork...
the other place is the BDSM scene. i've been into bdsm since i was about 17 and had my first legit kink relationship. that's when i discovered how good it made me feel, and how comfortable i felt. I've been practicing with people in private for years and consider myself very knowledgeable about a variety of topics. i have my things i don't have alot of PRACTICE in, such as flogging [i can't actually hold a flogger in my left hand because i have weak wrists], or other such things that require practice, but when it comes to understanding people and the reasons for kink, and putting THAT into practice, i consider myself pretty damn good. i know there are people better than me, but i like to think i am capable of finding people's kinks and forcing them to live out their dark dreams and therefor grow and become more comfortable with themselves as people. that's sorta my own biggest kink, is helping other people through bdsm, more specifically through D/s mindplay type stuff. i'm really great with sissification, forced gender roles, and anything that basically requires someone to take on another persona. i dont practice ageplay, but i've looked into it and talked to enough people that i feel i understand many different purposes and psychological reasons to why people enjoy being on either end of ageplay, and thus i am confidant that if asked, i could perform well as a mother figure.
all this said, lets go back a few months to when i first got into the scene. it was all because i commented on someone's picture on fetlife [basically facebook for kinky people], and told them i admired the ropework and wished i could do that. the next day i got a message from the person asking me about my interest, i told him i knew very little but was eager to learn, he asked if i wanted to meet. i then realized that his location said he lived in the same city as me. two days later i was at his apartment, which happened to be literally 4 miles down the road from me. and yes, i do believe in fate, the vicinity had a big role in my agreeing to meet. it started with him explaining how ropework [shibari, in case you hadnt figured out] works, both n the physical and mental level. we talked about the medical stuff, the emotional effects, and the spiritual/energy of doing rope with someone. he offered to tie me to see how i felt about it before he taught me, and i agreed on the basis that if i am to learn a bdsm skill to use on others, i need to experience it myself at least once. he tied me, and by god it was one of the most amazing experiences i have every had. the act of him tying me was something i can't evne begin to explain... you have no idea, but the end result really doesnt matter, tis the process... unless of course you're being suspended. in which case, once you're in the air, it gets about 1000x better. he ended up suspending me that night. and i was hooked.
we basically dated, but didnt call it that. insert drama with his exgirlfriend. that ended. we were good. but my winter break happened and he was never the one to get in touch with me first... so we just lost touch... it onyl really hit me a week ago when i lost another person.
i lost my own best friend.
she and i started attending events at the same time, it was kinda our thing. it felt great because for a good number of years we'd been estranged, and i always felt that alot of that reason was because her bf didnt like me, since before they dated, he and i dated for almost 2 years, and i broke up with him... so, alot of beef there... thing is, he had zero interest in kink, and he knew i cared alot for my friend so he basically only was comfortable with ehr going as long as I was there. and i know her goal was to get him involved, but i guess what i didn't realize was that once she did have him in, she wouldnt need me anymore. i was her protector, literally, her guardian. it was my job to help her set up scenes, and then to sit by and help the top handle her, because she is a very unique sort of bottom in that her reactions do not follow any sort of method or consisitency. usually you slow or end a scene when one of htese tings happens--person's skin changes color, person becomes very hot to the touch, person becomes quiet and unresponsive. however, the color and temp thing happened for her after 5 minutes... she's a heavy bottom, basically couldn't feel pain unless it was a pointed dragontail being whipped by a musclehead at 40+ mph. and even then she would go "oh that feels nice"
having been her friend for 10 years, i had a really close connection with her. i could basically read her energy and just sorta... be able to tell when she was entering subspace or when the scene needed to end. and At the end, i would be exhausted from expending my energy trying to calibrate and balance with her, and also from guiding the dom in understanding how she works.
well, now she doesn't need me. there's strike two.
but still, this is just two people not enccessarily needing me around anymore. and it doesnt really change how comfortable i feel in my local scene, it just changes who i hang out with. until my friend decided it would be a good idea to bring one of our vanilla friends to the scene because she was curious what a dungeon looked like. did i mention this girl considers herself a pro troll and /b fag? not that she calls herself a fag, she's a 5'11 drop dead gorgeous super model material, who likes to bitch about everything ever and never really do anythign to change her life except she attended paul mitchell hair school and suddenly she's more accomplished than the rest of us because SHE GRADUATED HURRHURR bitch didnt get a diploma, or even a fucking certification. SHE STILL HAD TO TAKE HER DAMNED CERTIFICATION TEST! [ironic tidbit, the guy mentioned in the beginning actually wrote the guidelines for the paul mitchell certification test back when he was in grad school when he was like 19 or 20. he's 27 now--supergenius type]
needless to say, having this girl who'se known me since 7th grade and always been a cunt to me was rather unnerving. i got scared. i sat at my computer staring at my skype wondering who to tlak to about this.
then i had a panic attack and passed out for a couple hours.
i literally had a panic attack just thinking about this girl, who btw lives in alabama and not close enough to really get into the atlanta scene, coming to events.
so i sent her a message saying we need to talk, that i'm scared and we both need to get shit off our chests because there's obvious beef. and she tells me she doesnt have any problems with me but i'm welcome to talk to her.
so i talked. for over a thousand words. about pretty much every major thing since highschool that i feel she's wronged me in, and about how i dont really think she's malicious but its just how she is, but regardless, i'm fucking scared and intimidated by her, and this is my comfort zone and i dont want our past coming into this scene and messing it up... not to mention, she's new, and i know my way around pretty damn well and i know important people so if she wants help i can help her with anything, be it my own knowledge, or reccomending the best person for the job.
she basically responded telling me she doesnt know where i got my "know-it-all" complex and that i dont know shit about the scene or shit about what she's into [ironic tidbit-- i know the guy she scened with, the scene he did on her, he tested on me first... so unbeknownst to her i actually DO know what she's into, and all about those particular kinks... i have them too.]
basically she told me i needed to stop being a bitch and check my priveledge, that she didnt need my permission to be in the scene, and that i need to stop being a know-it-all and that i should have come to her when the problem arose.
BITCH YOU WENT TO A PARTY 11 DAYS AGO, I FOUND OUT AND HAD A PANIC ATTACK 9 DAYS AGO, AND I MESSAGED YOU 6 DAYS AGO. DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH FASTER I COULDA TOLD YOU.
i seriously couldn't even finish reading her god damned message it hurt so much. like literally hurt, my chest is aching from anxiety
i have severe chronic anxiety and my meds recently started giving me a rash so i had to quit and havent gotten new ones yet
i just can't even deal. i'm so upset.
i feel like i've had a huge part of my life ripped away from me. there is this huge thing that means so much to me and i feel like this bitch is coming in and stomping all over me telling me i don't know shit and need to stop pretending and i can't even get her to understand that for one in my god damned life, i actually AM GOOD AT SOMETHING. like really good. i have brought people joy, and helped people overcome personal problems. i have made friends. and people respect me. RESPECT. ME. that is huge for me. because i was basically bullied my entire life form 4th grade to senior year. even my own close friends bullied my. that bitch stole my car at least 7 times in high school to go on joyrides with her gay bff. and then lied to me about it every time even though i coudl see their damned tweets.
i don't know what to do with myself.
i can't function. like i got her msg last night and waited til today when i was feeling good to read it so hopefully i could handle whatever she threw at me, but i expected to much. i expected her to show me a sliver of respect, which is kinda the basic number one rule of the BDSM scene--respect everyone.
but no. she couldn't do that. she never will. and now i can't go to events she'll be at, or else there will be drama. and i don't want to cause anybody any trouble.
i know to some people this may seem ridiculous but bdsm is a big part of my life. bigger than the whole furry thing. taking bdsm away is kinda like taking art out of my life. it takes away a massive chunk of who i am as a person. i'm not even capable of having a normal relaitonship.
so here i am, commissions and homework that need doing. i lost 5 hours from being stuck in a closet hiding from tornado warnings all day, and now i can't even get my work done because i'm so depressed and anxious i can hardly breath. you ever get so upset you are sobbing but you can't even cry tears?
i feel so damned alone right now. getting real tired of this shit. i always try to be strong but i'm such a fucked up person.. and everybody keeps reminding me, whether its my friends bitchign at me for whatever, or my mom pitying and apologizing to me to screwing up in raising me.
the only thing worse than being terminally broken, is knowing just how broken you are.
i am so fucking upset right now i don't even know what to do with myself. i have homework that needs doing that i just can't. its just one thigns after another after another.
for starts, i'm extremely insecure about myself. i'm painfully aware of this. and painfully aware that there is ALWAYS someone who is already far better at what i want to do that i could ever dream of being. i'm also painfully aware that because i've been hit 3 times in car accidents, i now have severe damange to my spine and ligaments which means i probably wont be able to bend and move very well... well... i already have toruble gettin out of a chair, so 10-15 years from now? may be stuck in a chair permanently.
but there are some places i go, some people i can be around, where i feel safe. where these things don't bother me as much, palces where i can feel normal.
one of those places is the furry fandom--furry conventions, and hangouts with my local furs. i don't feel liek such a freak when i'm surrounded by other people who escape through animal personas and artwork...
the other place is the BDSM scene. i've been into bdsm since i was about 17 and had my first legit kink relationship. that's when i discovered how good it made me feel, and how comfortable i felt. I've been practicing with people in private for years and consider myself very knowledgeable about a variety of topics. i have my things i don't have alot of PRACTICE in, such as flogging [i can't actually hold a flogger in my left hand because i have weak wrists], or other such things that require practice, but when it comes to understanding people and the reasons for kink, and putting THAT into practice, i consider myself pretty damn good. i know there are people better than me, but i like to think i am capable of finding people's kinks and forcing them to live out their dark dreams and therefor grow and become more comfortable with themselves as people. that's sorta my own biggest kink, is helping other people through bdsm, more specifically through D/s mindplay type stuff. i'm really great with sissification, forced gender roles, and anything that basically requires someone to take on another persona. i dont practice ageplay, but i've looked into it and talked to enough people that i feel i understand many different purposes and psychological reasons to why people enjoy being on either end of ageplay, and thus i am confidant that if asked, i could perform well as a mother figure.
all this said, lets go back a few months to when i first got into the scene. it was all because i commented on someone's picture on fetlife [basically facebook for kinky people], and told them i admired the ropework and wished i could do that. the next day i got a message from the person asking me about my interest, i told him i knew very little but was eager to learn, he asked if i wanted to meet. i then realized that his location said he lived in the same city as me. two days later i was at his apartment, which happened to be literally 4 miles down the road from me. and yes, i do believe in fate, the vicinity had a big role in my agreeing to meet. it started with him explaining how ropework [shibari, in case you hadnt figured out] works, both n the physical and mental level. we talked about the medical stuff, the emotional effects, and the spiritual/energy of doing rope with someone. he offered to tie me to see how i felt about it before he taught me, and i agreed on the basis that if i am to learn a bdsm skill to use on others, i need to experience it myself at least once. he tied me, and by god it was one of the most amazing experiences i have every had. the act of him tying me was something i can't evne begin to explain... you have no idea, but the end result really doesnt matter, tis the process... unless of course you're being suspended. in which case, once you're in the air, it gets about 1000x better. he ended up suspending me that night. and i was hooked.
we basically dated, but didnt call it that. insert drama with his exgirlfriend. that ended. we were good. but my winter break happened and he was never the one to get in touch with me first... so we just lost touch... it onyl really hit me a week ago when i lost another person.
i lost my own best friend.
she and i started attending events at the same time, it was kinda our thing. it felt great because for a good number of years we'd been estranged, and i always felt that alot of that reason was because her bf didnt like me, since before they dated, he and i dated for almost 2 years, and i broke up with him... so, alot of beef there... thing is, he had zero interest in kink, and he knew i cared alot for my friend so he basically only was comfortable with ehr going as long as I was there. and i know her goal was to get him involved, but i guess what i didn't realize was that once she did have him in, she wouldnt need me anymore. i was her protector, literally, her guardian. it was my job to help her set up scenes, and then to sit by and help the top handle her, because she is a very unique sort of bottom in that her reactions do not follow any sort of method or consisitency. usually you slow or end a scene when one of htese tings happens--person's skin changes color, person becomes very hot to the touch, person becomes quiet and unresponsive. however, the color and temp thing happened for her after 5 minutes... she's a heavy bottom, basically couldn't feel pain unless it was a pointed dragontail being whipped by a musclehead at 40+ mph. and even then she would go "oh that feels nice"
having been her friend for 10 years, i had a really close connection with her. i could basically read her energy and just sorta... be able to tell when she was entering subspace or when the scene needed to end. and At the end, i would be exhausted from expending my energy trying to calibrate and balance with her, and also from guiding the dom in understanding how she works.
well, now she doesn't need me. there's strike two.
but still, this is just two people not enccessarily needing me around anymore. and it doesnt really change how comfortable i feel in my local scene, it just changes who i hang out with. until my friend decided it would be a good idea to bring one of our vanilla friends to the scene because she was curious what a dungeon looked like. did i mention this girl considers herself a pro troll and /b fag? not that she calls herself a fag, she's a 5'11 drop dead gorgeous super model material, who likes to bitch about everything ever and never really do anythign to change her life except she attended paul mitchell hair school and suddenly she's more accomplished than the rest of us because SHE GRADUATED HURRHURR bitch didnt get a diploma, or even a fucking certification. SHE STILL HAD TO TAKE HER DAMNED CERTIFICATION TEST! [ironic tidbit, the guy mentioned in the beginning actually wrote the guidelines for the paul mitchell certification test back when he was in grad school when he was like 19 or 20. he's 27 now--supergenius type]
needless to say, having this girl who'se known me since 7th grade and always been a cunt to me was rather unnerving. i got scared. i sat at my computer staring at my skype wondering who to tlak to about this.
then i had a panic attack and passed out for a couple hours.
i literally had a panic attack just thinking about this girl, who btw lives in alabama and not close enough to really get into the atlanta scene, coming to events.
so i sent her a message saying we need to talk, that i'm scared and we both need to get shit off our chests because there's obvious beef. and she tells me she doesnt have any problems with me but i'm welcome to talk to her.
so i talked. for over a thousand words. about pretty much every major thing since highschool that i feel she's wronged me in, and about how i dont really think she's malicious but its just how she is, but regardless, i'm fucking scared and intimidated by her, and this is my comfort zone and i dont want our past coming into this scene and messing it up... not to mention, she's new, and i know my way around pretty damn well and i know important people so if she wants help i can help her with anything, be it my own knowledge, or reccomending the best person for the job.
she basically responded telling me she doesnt know where i got my "know-it-all" complex and that i dont know shit about the scene or shit about what she's into [ironic tidbit-- i know the guy she scened with, the scene he did on her, he tested on me first... so unbeknownst to her i actually DO know what she's into, and all about those particular kinks... i have them too.]
basically she told me i needed to stop being a bitch and check my priveledge, that she didnt need my permission to be in the scene, and that i need to stop being a know-it-all and that i should have come to her when the problem arose.
BITCH YOU WENT TO A PARTY 11 DAYS AGO, I FOUND OUT AND HAD A PANIC ATTACK 9 DAYS AGO, AND I MESSAGED YOU 6 DAYS AGO. DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH FASTER I COULDA TOLD YOU.
i seriously couldn't even finish reading her god damned message it hurt so much. like literally hurt, my chest is aching from anxiety
i have severe chronic anxiety and my meds recently started giving me a rash so i had to quit and havent gotten new ones yet
i just can't even deal. i'm so upset.
i feel like i've had a huge part of my life ripped away from me. there is this huge thing that means so much to me and i feel like this bitch is coming in and stomping all over me telling me i don't know shit and need to stop pretending and i can't even get her to understand that for one in my god damned life, i actually AM GOOD AT SOMETHING. like really good. i have brought people joy, and helped people overcome personal problems. i have made friends. and people respect me. RESPECT. ME. that is huge for me. because i was basically bullied my entire life form 4th grade to senior year. even my own close friends bullied my. that bitch stole my car at least 7 times in high school to go on joyrides with her gay bff. and then lied to me about it every time even though i coudl see their damned tweets.
i don't know what to do with myself.
i can't function. like i got her msg last night and waited til today when i was feeling good to read it so hopefully i could handle whatever she threw at me, but i expected to much. i expected her to show me a sliver of respect, which is kinda the basic number one rule of the BDSM scene--respect everyone.
but no. she couldn't do that. she never will. and now i can't go to events she'll be at, or else there will be drama. and i don't want to cause anybody any trouble.
i know to some people this may seem ridiculous but bdsm is a big part of my life. bigger than the whole furry thing. taking bdsm away is kinda like taking art out of my life. it takes away a massive chunk of who i am as a person. i'm not even capable of having a normal relaitonship.
so here i am, commissions and homework that need doing. i lost 5 hours from being stuck in a closet hiding from tornado warnings all day, and now i can't even get my work done because i'm so depressed and anxious i can hardly breath. you ever get so upset you are sobbing but you can't even cry tears?
i feel so damned alone right now. getting real tired of this shit. i always try to be strong but i'm such a fucked up person.. and everybody keeps reminding me, whether its my friends bitchign at me for whatever, or my mom pitying and apologizing to me to screwing up in raising me.
the only thing worse than being terminally broken, is knowing just how broken you are.
