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what's been happening with me
General | Posted 4 hours agolong ramble ahead, with a tldr at the bottom. you've been warned.
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so i've been feeling extremely unwell, physically and mentally. i don’t think this is much of a surprise to anyone who has paid attention to anything i’ve said in the past year or so—although right now it’s at a low. i find myself unable to eat without feeling nauseous. i am experiencing constant spikes of anxiety every day and occasional panic attacks due to family and personal life. i am still stuck living at home in a town with no opportunity, completely repressed, unable to find a job with my degree 2+ years after graduating and my resume ain’t got shit on it. there’s a lot i can’t cover here, but it’s gotten to the point where i’m just an incredibly bitter and irritable person and it’s severely impacting my ability to communicate with, or merely exist alongside, any of my friends, peers, etc. without getting extremely angry, sad, jealous, and regretful.
this, in turn, has made it extremely difficult for me to enjoy myself in online spaces such as the furry community. I’ve spent the past 6 or so years attempting to fit in, finding friends who shared the same niche interests, practicing 2D art. i’ve attempted to make irl friends by joining (and even helping to run) a university furry club and going to several meetups and conventions. but now having been isolated from my irl friends, breaking contact with some of my online friends, losing any passion i may have had for art, and being generally dissatisfied with the presence I’ve had in the community, i’m wondering if any of it was even worth it? with my insecurities being at an all time high, any remaining connections i have are slowly being tarnished because i just can’t stand to be around anyone who remotely has a better life than i do. it’s stupid and selfish, i know, but i cannot control my emotions. in times like these, i tend to isolate myself even further by severing as many connections as possible because i do not have the energy to voluntarily participate in online spaces where I’m constantly being reminded of how inadequate i am.
in a moment of vulnerability, i made an extremely spontaneous decision to delete all of my furry accounts. (or at least begin the process for deletion.) i deleted my discord, telegram, bluesky, and FA accounts. i even attempted to delete the email address associated with these accounts. in the moment it felt good to be free from everything, to pretend that i had never existed in the community. but like, obviously, it was a stupid and spontaneous decision that wasn’t gonna fix any of the underlying problems making me feel so negative towards the community in the first place. it’s not gonna fix my lack of an irl support system, it’s not gonna fix my broken mental and physical health—it’s only gonna hurt myself even more, as well as any of my remaining friends.
luckily some of these deletions are reversible. i could recover my discord account (granted, i already left every server i was in, and closed most of my dms), and i could recover my FA and my email address. as far as I’m aware though, my bluesky and telegram accounts are permanently gone. with that said, i’m not in a terrible hurry to recover either account anyways—i barely used telegram by the time i deleted it, never was a big fan of it tbh; while i tried my best to curate my bluesky feed (even restricting it to only accounts i followed) my timeline was still filled with bs too reminiscent of twitter, and a lot of my own posts were excessively negative too, so i think i’m fine leaving it behind. honestly i barely even use FA either, and wouldn’t necessarily be too upset with it being permanently deleted, but i don’t have any other “public” social accounts, and i feel i deserve to make a post explaining why my accounts suddenly disappeared. so i guess I’m keeping FA for the time being.
at this point i’m wondering what i should even do now. part of me wants a fresh start ignoring the stupid shit I’ve done/said in the past, but i can’t entirely distance myself from that. i’ve been mostly using the same sona for the past 6 years, i don’t think he’s the sona i want to use in this community anymore, but i also don’t have the drive to design another sona—even if i do design another sona i’m kinda stuck with an email and usernames that are too closely related to my current sona. unforunately i take my online presentation too seriously because I’ve experienced how people will treat you differently based on how you present yourself, whether it’s the sona you use or the manner which you speak/express yourself. I want to remain as authentic as possible but it’s really hard when i’m going through a rough patch. maybe i’ll figure it out eventually, but in the meantime i’m probably just gonna be way less active online.
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tldr my bluesky and telegram are permanently deleted, gonna be less active online while i attempt to figure shit out
____________
so i've been feeling extremely unwell, physically and mentally. i don’t think this is much of a surprise to anyone who has paid attention to anything i’ve said in the past year or so—although right now it’s at a low. i find myself unable to eat without feeling nauseous. i am experiencing constant spikes of anxiety every day and occasional panic attacks due to family and personal life. i am still stuck living at home in a town with no opportunity, completely repressed, unable to find a job with my degree 2+ years after graduating and my resume ain’t got shit on it. there’s a lot i can’t cover here, but it’s gotten to the point where i’m just an incredibly bitter and irritable person and it’s severely impacting my ability to communicate with, or merely exist alongside, any of my friends, peers, etc. without getting extremely angry, sad, jealous, and regretful.
this, in turn, has made it extremely difficult for me to enjoy myself in online spaces such as the furry community. I’ve spent the past 6 or so years attempting to fit in, finding friends who shared the same niche interests, practicing 2D art. i’ve attempted to make irl friends by joining (and even helping to run) a university furry club and going to several meetups and conventions. but now having been isolated from my irl friends, breaking contact with some of my online friends, losing any passion i may have had for art, and being generally dissatisfied with the presence I’ve had in the community, i’m wondering if any of it was even worth it? with my insecurities being at an all time high, any remaining connections i have are slowly being tarnished because i just can’t stand to be around anyone who remotely has a better life than i do. it’s stupid and selfish, i know, but i cannot control my emotions. in times like these, i tend to isolate myself even further by severing as many connections as possible because i do not have the energy to voluntarily participate in online spaces where I’m constantly being reminded of how inadequate i am.
in a moment of vulnerability, i made an extremely spontaneous decision to delete all of my furry accounts. (or at least begin the process for deletion.) i deleted my discord, telegram, bluesky, and FA accounts. i even attempted to delete the email address associated with these accounts. in the moment it felt good to be free from everything, to pretend that i had never existed in the community. but like, obviously, it was a stupid and spontaneous decision that wasn’t gonna fix any of the underlying problems making me feel so negative towards the community in the first place. it’s not gonna fix my lack of an irl support system, it’s not gonna fix my broken mental and physical health—it’s only gonna hurt myself even more, as well as any of my remaining friends.
luckily some of these deletions are reversible. i could recover my discord account (granted, i already left every server i was in, and closed most of my dms), and i could recover my FA and my email address. as far as I’m aware though, my bluesky and telegram accounts are permanently gone. with that said, i’m not in a terrible hurry to recover either account anyways—i barely used telegram by the time i deleted it, never was a big fan of it tbh; while i tried my best to curate my bluesky feed (even restricting it to only accounts i followed) my timeline was still filled with bs too reminiscent of twitter, and a lot of my own posts were excessively negative too, so i think i’m fine leaving it behind. honestly i barely even use FA either, and wouldn’t necessarily be too upset with it being permanently deleted, but i don’t have any other “public” social accounts, and i feel i deserve to make a post explaining why my accounts suddenly disappeared. so i guess I’m keeping FA for the time being.
at this point i’m wondering what i should even do now. part of me wants a fresh start ignoring the stupid shit I’ve done/said in the past, but i can’t entirely distance myself from that. i’ve been mostly using the same sona for the past 6 years, i don’t think he’s the sona i want to use in this community anymore, but i also don’t have the drive to design another sona—even if i do design another sona i’m kinda stuck with an email and usernames that are too closely related to my current sona. unforunately i take my online presentation too seriously because I’ve experienced how people will treat you differently based on how you present yourself, whether it’s the sona you use or the manner which you speak/express yourself. I want to remain as authentic as possible but it’s really hard when i’m going through a rough patch. maybe i’ll figure it out eventually, but in the meantime i’m probably just gonna be way less active online.
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tldr my bluesky and telegram are permanently deleted, gonna be less active online while i attempt to figure shit out
