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Merry Christmas
Posted 11 months agoNot dead, but really in a low energy, low creativity mode due to a bunch of family crises going on at once.
Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas; mine was peaceful and calm, and I liked it just like that.
Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas; mine was peaceful and calm, and I liked it just like that.
Dumpster Fire
Posted a year agoI apologize for my lack of activity here this year. This has been a very emotionally exhausting year for me, and I have been contending to an endless array of problems and crises in my own personal life and my family that's been really wearing down my creativity and motivation to do anything.
To start this year off, my Grandma's cat, Snowflake, passed away on 1/6. I had taken care of him since November, and he got sick and died from kidney failure at the age of fourteen. My Grandma, who was in hospice at the time, got a rebound and a "second wind" after they took her off the punishing doses of anti-psychotic medication. She eventually exited hospice, but not before hospice screwed up several things, like introducing bed bugs into her room, which required the disposal of her bed and reclining chair and replacement at our cost... She is still alive, slowly fading away from Alzheimer's Disease, and aiming to turn 86 next weekend.
During the summer, funding for my Grandma's care ran out. We exhausted her entire IRA in the span of eleven months. After finding a legal breakthrough in her will, we went to an attorney and discovered that she did grant my father and uncle P.O.A over her assets, which allowed her home to be sold. I made an honest attempt to buy her home, but because of interest rates, the elevated housing market intensity, and restrictions placed by Medicare over property sales, I was simply unable to afford it without any safe margin of financial error. It was a massive disappointment. I lived in my Grandma's home for eleven months as its caretaker, and I soon wound down operations and moved back home. The house was put up for sale and quickly sold, and I cleared it out and said goodbye to it on 7/31. After nearly sixty years in our family, it was a bitter loss to pay for her long-term care.
My sister is having marital issues, and now my parents, nearly married for four decades, are having marital problems that threaten to destroy their marriage. I'm stuck in the middle of watching this all unfold. My brother is depressed about the situation, and I'm overwhelmed.
This has been my annus horribilis. And I got three more months to go.
To start this year off, my Grandma's cat, Snowflake, passed away on 1/6. I had taken care of him since November, and he got sick and died from kidney failure at the age of fourteen. My Grandma, who was in hospice at the time, got a rebound and a "second wind" after they took her off the punishing doses of anti-psychotic medication. She eventually exited hospice, but not before hospice screwed up several things, like introducing bed bugs into her room, which required the disposal of her bed and reclining chair and replacement at our cost... She is still alive, slowly fading away from Alzheimer's Disease, and aiming to turn 86 next weekend.
During the summer, funding for my Grandma's care ran out. We exhausted her entire IRA in the span of eleven months. After finding a legal breakthrough in her will, we went to an attorney and discovered that she did grant my father and uncle P.O.A over her assets, which allowed her home to be sold. I made an honest attempt to buy her home, but because of interest rates, the elevated housing market intensity, and restrictions placed by Medicare over property sales, I was simply unable to afford it without any safe margin of financial error. It was a massive disappointment. I lived in my Grandma's home for eleven months as its caretaker, and I soon wound down operations and moved back home. The house was put up for sale and quickly sold, and I cleared it out and said goodbye to it on 7/31. After nearly sixty years in our family, it was a bitter loss to pay for her long-term care.
My sister is having marital issues, and now my parents, nearly married for four decades, are having marital problems that threaten to destroy their marriage. I'm stuck in the middle of watching this all unfold. My brother is depressed about the situation, and I'm overwhelmed.
This has been my annus horribilis. And I got three more months to go.
2023's conclusion
Posted 2 years agoOnce again, we find ourselves at the end of the year.
2023 began very depressing for me. But now it ends on a calm respite.
I knew going into this year that it was going to be rough, being a caretaker for my Grandmother who has Alzheimer's Disease. From March, her condition began to really accelerate, and more so after July. Me and my uncle had to undertake an increasing amount of responsibilities, which made my grandmother very resentful. There were a lot of very bitter arguments and anger at us, and after several incidents of wandering and near-accidents, we made the decision to put her into a nursing home. Her condition has continued to go down at a rapid pace, and with a very recent hospitalization Thursday, where she was found lying on the floor suffering from dehydration, we made the decision to begin hospice care and making her comfortable for the remaining time that we have with her. It's been a very emotionally exhausting experience. All I can say is that Alzheimer's is an evil disease.
But 2023 wasn't all terrible. I got a job position transfer, which has improved my situation at work, and I got to travel a lot and explore around Ohio, Michigan, and parts of Pennsylvania.
Onward to 2024. I do worry sometimes about our political situation, our hyperpartisan hackery, the backsliding towards authoritarianism, the global chaos that's ongoing, but I guess one has to confront those issues when the time comes.
Happy New Years~
2023 began very depressing for me. But now it ends on a calm respite.
I knew going into this year that it was going to be rough, being a caretaker for my Grandmother who has Alzheimer's Disease. From March, her condition began to really accelerate, and more so after July. Me and my uncle had to undertake an increasing amount of responsibilities, which made my grandmother very resentful. There were a lot of very bitter arguments and anger at us, and after several incidents of wandering and near-accidents, we made the decision to put her into a nursing home. Her condition has continued to go down at a rapid pace, and with a very recent hospitalization Thursday, where she was found lying on the floor suffering from dehydration, we made the decision to begin hospice care and making her comfortable for the remaining time that we have with her. It's been a very emotionally exhausting experience. All I can say is that Alzheimer's is an evil disease.
But 2023 wasn't all terrible. I got a job position transfer, which has improved my situation at work, and I got to travel a lot and explore around Ohio, Michigan, and parts of Pennsylvania.
Onward to 2024. I do worry sometimes about our political situation, our hyperpartisan hackery, the backsliding towards authoritarianism, the global chaos that's ongoing, but I guess one has to confront those issues when the time comes.
Happy New Years~
Conclusion
Posted 3 years ago2022 ends just as it began for me, depressing.
I've had a really stressful year, to add to a stressful and depressing past couple of years. I've been quiet here about what's going on, but I've had several family and personal problems come up all year. I've been having a lot of work problems, my Grandma was diagnosed with dementia late in the summer, and my Mom had surgery for a benign ovarian cyst after falling ill in July. I also ended a very long friendship with someone I thought was a friend, after 15 years.
Work has dragged me down multiple times this year. I work for the lumber and building supply industry, and I drive a small 3/4 ton truck for what is supposed to be small deliveries. But work, in an effort to save money, expects me to haul out at maximum payload (2000 lbs) and run loads that are more suitable for our larger flatbed trucks. My limbs are taking a toll from constantly hand-loading and unloading maximum weight payloads and driving 200 miles a day around Central Ohio. I've said something about this to management multiple times, and it just never lets up. My back, arms, and shoulders constantly feel it. As I enter my fourth year, I sit on a 50/50 chance of leaving sometime this year if things don't improve.
Family crises; My Grandma started showing signs of dementia back in the spring. My uncle stepped in after Grandma started hallucinating, and we discovered that she was over medicating herself. Reporting this to her doctor, he ordered some additional testing that led to the discovery of dementia. She was very upset and still is upset over losing the ability to drive, and over the past several months, I've witnessed her memory degrade further. I'm helping my uncle care for her, and it's been a very exhausting ordeal. My Mom went to the hospital in mid July for severe abdominal pain, and doctors found a mass on her ovaries that needed surgery. What thankfully turned out to be benign was a real worry that it could have been ovarian cancer. I helped tend to her as she recovered. It really worried me that I may have to think about the worst.
I've had some personal problems this year. I had a freakout in October for a skin cancer scare that thankfully turned out to be just a normal mole. On top of work woes, I ended a very long friendship with a furry who had basically introduced me to the fandom through their artwork 15 years ago. Someone who I thought I could trust, someone I was very fond with, who unfortunately decided to just lie and deceive. Someone who helped inspire my own creations. I had enough, especially when I paid them to do a commission they offered to me, and never finished, and always had excuses for why it never got done, but could do other people's works? Thanks for wasting my time, "friend".
In all, 2022 was a drag, and I'm not feeling optimistic at all for '23. But the clock goes one way I guess. Hoping for my health and the family's health.
Happy New Years.
I've had a really stressful year, to add to a stressful and depressing past couple of years. I've been quiet here about what's going on, but I've had several family and personal problems come up all year. I've been having a lot of work problems, my Grandma was diagnosed with dementia late in the summer, and my Mom had surgery for a benign ovarian cyst after falling ill in July. I also ended a very long friendship with someone I thought was a friend, after 15 years.
Work has dragged me down multiple times this year. I work for the lumber and building supply industry, and I drive a small 3/4 ton truck for what is supposed to be small deliveries. But work, in an effort to save money, expects me to haul out at maximum payload (2000 lbs) and run loads that are more suitable for our larger flatbed trucks. My limbs are taking a toll from constantly hand-loading and unloading maximum weight payloads and driving 200 miles a day around Central Ohio. I've said something about this to management multiple times, and it just never lets up. My back, arms, and shoulders constantly feel it. As I enter my fourth year, I sit on a 50/50 chance of leaving sometime this year if things don't improve.
Family crises; My Grandma started showing signs of dementia back in the spring. My uncle stepped in after Grandma started hallucinating, and we discovered that she was over medicating herself. Reporting this to her doctor, he ordered some additional testing that led to the discovery of dementia. She was very upset and still is upset over losing the ability to drive, and over the past several months, I've witnessed her memory degrade further. I'm helping my uncle care for her, and it's been a very exhausting ordeal. My Mom went to the hospital in mid July for severe abdominal pain, and doctors found a mass on her ovaries that needed surgery. What thankfully turned out to be benign was a real worry that it could have been ovarian cancer. I helped tend to her as she recovered. It really worried me that I may have to think about the worst.
I've had some personal problems this year. I had a freakout in October for a skin cancer scare that thankfully turned out to be just a normal mole. On top of work woes, I ended a very long friendship with a furry who had basically introduced me to the fandom through their artwork 15 years ago. Someone who I thought I could trust, someone I was very fond with, who unfortunately decided to just lie and deceive. Someone who helped inspire my own creations. I had enough, especially when I paid them to do a commission they offered to me, and never finished, and always had excuses for why it never got done, but could do other people's works? Thanks for wasting my time, "friend".
In all, 2022 was a drag, and I'm not feeling optimistic at all for '23. But the clock goes one way I guess. Hoping for my health and the family's health.
Happy New Years.
Conclusion
Posted 4 years ago2021 was a very emotionally exhausting year. I had high hopes of things stabilizing and improving, but we end 2021 in much the same way as it started, amongst a tidal wave of illness and looming deaths~
I did get things accomplished this year; I managed to pay off my Silverado, and do some overdue maintenance on its engine. I managed to save up and buy a $2,000 Sony Alpha that I always wanted, and invest the money into two additional lenses to expand photographic opportunities, and travel around Central Ohio to document nature throughout the seasons. In the fight against the pandemic, I got vaccinated (and later boosted), and overcame an extreme fear of needles. That I'm very proud of myself for. And I managed to hold onto my job, get a second pay raise, and continue my duties as a truck driver.
I must admit that the past two years have really worn me out. Being worried about family and friend's well being, my own health and safety, has unfortunately taken a toll on my optimism for the new year. I didn't really get a chance to hang out with friends as hoped, and had a bunch of personal issues creep up throughout the year. I also had an extended family member die from Covid-19 recently. The state of the nation seems fragile; we're more divided than ever before, and a sense of conflict looms. But one has to press forward, despite the headaches and frustration. To give up means to just lay down and die. And I refuse to do that.
Ready or not, here comes 2022~
I did get things accomplished this year; I managed to pay off my Silverado, and do some overdue maintenance on its engine. I managed to save up and buy a $2,000 Sony Alpha that I always wanted, and invest the money into two additional lenses to expand photographic opportunities, and travel around Central Ohio to document nature throughout the seasons. In the fight against the pandemic, I got vaccinated (and later boosted), and overcame an extreme fear of needles. That I'm very proud of myself for. And I managed to hold onto my job, get a second pay raise, and continue my duties as a truck driver.
I must admit that the past two years have really worn me out. Being worried about family and friend's well being, my own health and safety, has unfortunately taken a toll on my optimism for the new year. I didn't really get a chance to hang out with friends as hoped, and had a bunch of personal issues creep up throughout the year. I also had an extended family member die from Covid-19 recently. The state of the nation seems fragile; we're more divided than ever before, and a sense of conflict looms. But one has to press forward, despite the headaches and frustration. To give up means to just lay down and die. And I refuse to do that.
Ready or not, here comes 2022~
Conclusion
Posted 5 years ago2020 has been nothing short of an unmitigated disaster.
I think in all honesty this is the worst that I've ever emotionally felt in the several years of battling on and off depression. It's as though everything that has happened this year has just driven me into the ground. Now I face the fact that my family has been impacted by Covid-19; my younger brother and his girlfriend are both quarantined at home with it~ To conclude this year, I've come to just realize that I am very disappointed in people's behaviors in handling the multiple crises this nation has faced.
I predict that the first 4-6 months of 2021 is going to be bleak, before we start to see some significant improvements. Maybe if all goes according to plan, we might be at the cusp of a return to normality at the end of 2021. We shall see.
Good riddance, 2020.
I think in all honesty this is the worst that I've ever emotionally felt in the several years of battling on and off depression. It's as though everything that has happened this year has just driven me into the ground. Now I face the fact that my family has been impacted by Covid-19; my younger brother and his girlfriend are both quarantined at home with it~ To conclude this year, I've come to just realize that I am very disappointed in people's behaviors in handling the multiple crises this nation has faced.
I predict that the first 4-6 months of 2021 is going to be bleak, before we start to see some significant improvements. Maybe if all goes according to plan, we might be at the cusp of a return to normality at the end of 2021. We shall see.
Good riddance, 2020.
Merry Christmas
Posted 5 years agoWishing everyone here a very Merry Christmas~
Still Alive
Posted 5 years agoBeen a little while since I updated this~ So here goes:
I'm still alive, and largely doing okay, aside from a rough head cold (at the worst possible time I may add) that I am suffering from currently. I freaked out over this, thinking that maybe the pandemic finally had hit me, but alas, it's just my yearly head cold I get around this time of year. Whew~
Last month, I found out that I am being sued, in regards to my car accident from two years ago. I won't to into specifics, but I am being sued for an undisclosed amount of money because I "caused two years of emotional and physical trauma" to the person I hit, i.e. "I need mo' money~" I turned this matter over to State Farm, who is legally representing me through a firm in Toledo (where the accident happened at). At this moment, there is a petition to dismiss the case citing lack of evidence on the plaintiff's side. Awaiting an answer from the judge. It honestly couldn't have happened at a worse possible time, but eh, 2020 never fails.
I'm still trucking around the state of Ohio, but this time in a loaner work truck that is pushing 263K miles on the frame. It's clapped out, but it still works~ Still making that money as an essential worker~
Life goes on.
I'm still alive, and largely doing okay, aside from a rough head cold (at the worst possible time I may add) that I am suffering from currently. I freaked out over this, thinking that maybe the pandemic finally had hit me, but alas, it's just my yearly head cold I get around this time of year. Whew~
Last month, I found out that I am being sued, in regards to my car accident from two years ago. I won't to into specifics, but I am being sued for an undisclosed amount of money because I "caused two years of emotional and physical trauma" to the person I hit, i.e. "I need mo' money~" I turned this matter over to State Farm, who is legally representing me through a firm in Toledo (where the accident happened at). At this moment, there is a petition to dismiss the case citing lack of evidence on the plaintiff's side. Awaiting an answer from the judge. It honestly couldn't have happened at a worse possible time, but eh, 2020 never fails.
I'm still trucking around the state of Ohio, but this time in a loaner work truck that is pushing 263K miles on the frame. It's clapped out, but it still works~ Still making that money as an essential worker~
Life goes on.
Birthday and Updates
Posted 5 years agoToday marks 28 years ago that I was born, at 9:12AM, July 26, 1992.
Usually I am somewhat excited or cheerful on my birthday, but with everything going on around the world, the civil unrest in the US, politics, and the ravaging pandemic, plus some new work stress, has left me kinda down in the dumps. I honestly just feel emotionally burned out from everything going on.
On Friday, I had an exceptionally bad day at work. I had to drive over 300 miles to make two deliveries. One in Logan Ohio, and then backtrack and head all the way down to Cincinnati for a delivery. I was frustrated because I have told my store multiple times that if I am to be sent to Cincinnati for a delivery, I cannot be inundated with deliveries beforehand- and that's exactly what they did, again. It takes a round-trip of about five hours to make a Cincinnati run, no matter how fast I drive, or unload/refuel. Making a delivery to Logan, which is 1 hour, one way, only added to more wasted time. To make matters more stressful, my boss was having a bad day and decided to take his frustrations out on me accidentally forgetting to throw away an empty pallet from a special order I delivered the day before. I had forgotten about it because I had to make seven deliveries that all averaged a commute time of about 30-50 minutes, across central Ohio. He threatened to not only throw trash in my own personal truck, but to keep me working over and doing "stuff I wouldn't like", and ended it with a rather unprofessional "Watch. It." in our group chat. This is the third time he's taken his frustration out on me. Next time I take it to corporate.
I've been sussing up to the realization that I have grown very stressed as a driver. The stress level has been building for the past two months as things have really started to pick up steam. Everyone's getting burned out in the lumber yard- we're understaffed, and the sales people keep dumping last minutes loads. At one point, we almost had three people quit simultaneously, until our store manager stepped in and offered major concessions to keep people. I've been really stressed by keeping up with the delivery demand, and unlike the drivers of the bigger "pig" trucks and semis, I have to manually unload my truck by hand. So if I have a 2,000lb load? I have to move a ton of lumber myself, by hand. My joints have been bothering me lately, because I have to climb up and down constantly to get product off the top rack. It's left me really sore. The heat has worn me down. I've also been rather dragged down by a combination of dealing with people who constantly downplay the seriousness of this pandemic for political reasons, and for being the butt of people's jokes. At 84, everybody makes fun of everybody- it's their way of bonding. But some of the jokes involving me are starting to really rub me the wrong way. Incidents like a wardrobe malfunction in November, and me accidentally bumping a pedestrian with a truck, grow tired when you hear it every. single. day. Add to that more sexual jokes, like people claiming I am sexually interested in old women in nursing homes. I really do not find it funny frankly, and hearing it everyday starts to just annoy me. And there's nothing I can really do about it. Looking out for everyone on the interstate, and ensuring that your load doesn't come off the truck, has been another major source of stress to me. In all, it's making me start to wonder if maybe I need to start finding myself another career path? I hate to fathom the idea of uprooting myself again, in the midst of a pandemic, to another job... but I feel like the walls are starting to close in around me- just like Home Depot. Just like Lowe's.
In Ohio, the pandemic continues to churn on- though much slower than down south. We're now a state that mandates masks, which isn't a big deal to me, honestly. But if you listen to the people I work with, you'd think we live in a fascist dictatorship or something because "mah freedums". Honestly, I don't see any end to this Covid-19 pandemic until a vaccine is found and approved. There's promising candidates, but it's clear that they won't be coming down the pipeline until sometime in 2021. Even if Ohioans flatten the curve, the moment restrictions start to be relaxed again, it's just gonna flare back up. Germany, Japan, South Korea, are finding that out as restrictions start to be eased, only to be clamped down again to mitigate the damage. It's just the problem dealing with a pandemic that involves a very contagious pathogen. Masks, social distancing, and frequent hand washing, are only band aids to a larger problem.
One day at a time~
Usually I am somewhat excited or cheerful on my birthday, but with everything going on around the world, the civil unrest in the US, politics, and the ravaging pandemic, plus some new work stress, has left me kinda down in the dumps. I honestly just feel emotionally burned out from everything going on.
On Friday, I had an exceptionally bad day at work. I had to drive over 300 miles to make two deliveries. One in Logan Ohio, and then backtrack and head all the way down to Cincinnati for a delivery. I was frustrated because I have told my store multiple times that if I am to be sent to Cincinnati for a delivery, I cannot be inundated with deliveries beforehand- and that's exactly what they did, again. It takes a round-trip of about five hours to make a Cincinnati run, no matter how fast I drive, or unload/refuel. Making a delivery to Logan, which is 1 hour, one way, only added to more wasted time. To make matters more stressful, my boss was having a bad day and decided to take his frustrations out on me accidentally forgetting to throw away an empty pallet from a special order I delivered the day before. I had forgotten about it because I had to make seven deliveries that all averaged a commute time of about 30-50 minutes, across central Ohio. He threatened to not only throw trash in my own personal truck, but to keep me working over and doing "stuff I wouldn't like", and ended it with a rather unprofessional "Watch. It." in our group chat. This is the third time he's taken his frustration out on me. Next time I take it to corporate.
I've been sussing up to the realization that I have grown very stressed as a driver. The stress level has been building for the past two months as things have really started to pick up steam. Everyone's getting burned out in the lumber yard- we're understaffed, and the sales people keep dumping last minutes loads. At one point, we almost had three people quit simultaneously, until our store manager stepped in and offered major concessions to keep people. I've been really stressed by keeping up with the delivery demand, and unlike the drivers of the bigger "pig" trucks and semis, I have to manually unload my truck by hand. So if I have a 2,000lb load? I have to move a ton of lumber myself, by hand. My joints have been bothering me lately, because I have to climb up and down constantly to get product off the top rack. It's left me really sore. The heat has worn me down. I've also been rather dragged down by a combination of dealing with people who constantly downplay the seriousness of this pandemic for political reasons, and for being the butt of people's jokes. At 84, everybody makes fun of everybody- it's their way of bonding. But some of the jokes involving me are starting to really rub me the wrong way. Incidents like a wardrobe malfunction in November, and me accidentally bumping a pedestrian with a truck, grow tired when you hear it every. single. day. Add to that more sexual jokes, like people claiming I am sexually interested in old women in nursing homes. I really do not find it funny frankly, and hearing it everyday starts to just annoy me. And there's nothing I can really do about it. Looking out for everyone on the interstate, and ensuring that your load doesn't come off the truck, has been another major source of stress to me. In all, it's making me start to wonder if maybe I need to start finding myself another career path? I hate to fathom the idea of uprooting myself again, in the midst of a pandemic, to another job... but I feel like the walls are starting to close in around me- just like Home Depot. Just like Lowe's.
In Ohio, the pandemic continues to churn on- though much slower than down south. We're now a state that mandates masks, which isn't a big deal to me, honestly. But if you listen to the people I work with, you'd think we live in a fascist dictatorship or something because "mah freedums". Honestly, I don't see any end to this Covid-19 pandemic until a vaccine is found and approved. There's promising candidates, but it's clear that they won't be coming down the pipeline until sometime in 2021. Even if Ohioans flatten the curve, the moment restrictions start to be relaxed again, it's just gonna flare back up. Germany, Japan, South Korea, are finding that out as restrictions start to be eased, only to be clamped down again to mitigate the damage. It's just the problem dealing with a pandemic that involves a very contagious pathogen. Masks, social distancing, and frequent hand washing, are only band aids to a larger problem.
One day at a time~
Updates 7/12/20
Posted 5 years agoThought I'd update this~ Things in my life are still holding together steady, but I'll admit I'm feeling a bit burned out by the pandemic and other events.
Ohio has been having 1000+ cases a day for almost two weeks now, and we're experiencing our own Covid-19 spike, though, pale in comparison to Texas, Arizona, and Florida with 5,000+ new cases a day. Unfortunately at this point, I've resigned myself to concluding that the pandemic's gonna end only when a vaccine comes out, or there's no more hosts to fuel it. At whatever human cost that'll conclude, I'm not sure. As expected, our hospitalization rates, which lag behind the new cases, are having an uptick too.
The pandemic has been causing headaches for 84 Lumber; we're facing lumber shortages because of other industries in our supply chain having shut down. Pressure treated is a premium and we've been critically short, and customers are angry. We don't have enough, and what's coming in looks all beat up, and customers haven't been thrilled when I explain that some places aren't getting new PT boards until late August, into September! Our coordinator put it this way; "These man-Karens think that if they yell and scream on the phone long enough, it'll just get the product here faster~" Otherwise, I've been safe in my job commuting around Ohio delivering lumber and building materials. I'm starting to wear a mask when delivering to homes, out of respect for customers, and to try and show other people that "it doesn't make you weak or look stupid to wear a mask". Wash hands, wear a mask, social distancing- doing my part to try and keep myself safe, and mitigate the pandemic's damage. I got a pay raise last week; $1 increase, to $13/hr. Any bit of an increase is a good thing. But I'll admit, I'm a bit burned out. The heat, and doing about 500 miles a week have taken its toll. I took a few days off, and that helped. And there's big changes coming to our 84 store, after all the yard guys went to the store manager to complain about working conditions, which he was unaware of. There's going to be cutoff times on last second deliveries, more people to be hired as our store begins expansion, and other incentives to take the pressure off people. Good news~
Not so good news. Yesterday a good friend of mine died, after a two year struggle with metastatic melanoma. My buddy Emmett (non furry) had melanoma that had spread to his brain and spine, and gave it a good fight for two years. He endured at least a dozen surgeries on his brain and back in an effort to fight the disease, along with chemotherapy and radiation treatments. It left him all bloated and swollen. The last time I saw him was on Valentine's day. He was in good spirits then, and all of us were joking and having a good time at my other friend's apartment. Last time I heard from Emmett was on Facebook in April. My friend last heard from him on the first, and he said then he was feeling good and was in good spirits then. Apparently his health just rapidly deteriorated and he was placed on life support. His family decided yesterday to take him off the ventilator, and he passed away at 5PM. When I found out, I was heartbroken. But I was also relieved to know that was no longer suffering. Emmett was only 31. He "slipped the surly bonds of earth" to "touch the face of God." We never truly appreciate someone until they're gone, and we can never see them again. Only then do we realize how they've touched our lives~
"Everything will be alright. Just let it be~"
Ohio has been having 1000+ cases a day for almost two weeks now, and we're experiencing our own Covid-19 spike, though, pale in comparison to Texas, Arizona, and Florida with 5,000+ new cases a day. Unfortunately at this point, I've resigned myself to concluding that the pandemic's gonna end only when a vaccine comes out, or there's no more hosts to fuel it. At whatever human cost that'll conclude, I'm not sure. As expected, our hospitalization rates, which lag behind the new cases, are having an uptick too.
The pandemic has been causing headaches for 84 Lumber; we're facing lumber shortages because of other industries in our supply chain having shut down. Pressure treated is a premium and we've been critically short, and customers are angry. We don't have enough, and what's coming in looks all beat up, and customers haven't been thrilled when I explain that some places aren't getting new PT boards until late August, into September! Our coordinator put it this way; "These man-Karens think that if they yell and scream on the phone long enough, it'll just get the product here faster~" Otherwise, I've been safe in my job commuting around Ohio delivering lumber and building materials. I'm starting to wear a mask when delivering to homes, out of respect for customers, and to try and show other people that "it doesn't make you weak or look stupid to wear a mask". Wash hands, wear a mask, social distancing- doing my part to try and keep myself safe, and mitigate the pandemic's damage. I got a pay raise last week; $1 increase, to $13/hr. Any bit of an increase is a good thing. But I'll admit, I'm a bit burned out. The heat, and doing about 500 miles a week have taken its toll. I took a few days off, and that helped. And there's big changes coming to our 84 store, after all the yard guys went to the store manager to complain about working conditions, which he was unaware of. There's going to be cutoff times on last second deliveries, more people to be hired as our store begins expansion, and other incentives to take the pressure off people. Good news~
Not so good news. Yesterday a good friend of mine died, after a two year struggle with metastatic melanoma. My buddy Emmett (non furry) had melanoma that had spread to his brain and spine, and gave it a good fight for two years. He endured at least a dozen surgeries on his brain and back in an effort to fight the disease, along with chemotherapy and radiation treatments. It left him all bloated and swollen. The last time I saw him was on Valentine's day. He was in good spirits then, and all of us were joking and having a good time at my other friend's apartment. Last time I heard from Emmett was on Facebook in April. My friend last heard from him on the first, and he said then he was feeling good and was in good spirits then. Apparently his health just rapidly deteriorated and he was placed on life support. His family decided yesterday to take him off the ventilator, and he passed away at 5PM. When I found out, I was heartbroken. But I was also relieved to know that was no longer suffering. Emmett was only 31. He "slipped the surly bonds of earth" to "touch the face of God." We never truly appreciate someone until they're gone, and we can never see them again. Only then do we realize how they've touched our lives~
"Everything will be alright. Just let it be~"
Watching the Wheels
Posted 5 years agoThings are holding up as best they can in my neck of the woods. I don't feel as stressed as I did during my last journal entry, which was more of me blowing off steam from all the frustrating events at the time. But its still an unprecedented time. Sometimes days feel so surreal to me.
My job at 84 continues on without issue, and thankfully I am able for the most part to just isolate myself in my work truck, and deliver to job sites where I can keep my distance from people. But lately I've been delivering pressure treated products to customer's homes, so I made the decision to begin wearing a mask, for my own protection, and out of respect to my customers. For the most part, I can work with it on, but sometimes it just has to come off- I can't get my breath when moving heavy lumber or shingles, like a load I had yesterday. After a while, breathing in hot air was starting to affect me, and the customer respectfully gave me some social distancing, so I could finish the drop. I also made the decision to start wearing a mask because Ohio has been seeing a huge resurgence of Covid-19.
Yesterday, Ohio reported almost 1,000 new cases of Covid-19, matching our previous 1000+ records set between April 18-21, where the state had 3,000 new cases in roughly 72 hours. It's been an alarming trend after the state had stabilized for almost two months, around 400 new cases a day. We haven't been able to flatten the curve, and that seems like a national trend. Whether its people just not caring anymore, or letting their guard down. I have no idea. I have heard that a lot of Ohio's new cases are coming from people who went on vacation and from around Memorial Day. I know for certain that I've written off all my summer plans. I've pretty much written all of 2020 off!
I've calmed myself down after resigning myself to fate. There's nothing more I can do, so I just have to deal with it. I said "goodbye" to my buddies Hawkwolf and Rrowdy Beast; "see ya next year~". Unless some big breakthrough happens between now and then, I'm not seeing this crisis going away anytime soon, not until sometime in 2021. All of us are rather stressed by the situation, but it is what it is. I tell myself "well at least you're still working".
It's summer time, but yet, it doesn't feel like summer to me, it feels just surreal. Evrerything's lush and green when I'm out driving to job sites, but yet, it doesn't give me the enthusiasm because of the danger that's lurking around. I'm happy I'm able to get out and see this stuff while on the road- I think that's the only consolation prize that I can think of. Heh, I've been enjoying my nature photography as well to pass the time when I'm off work. In fact, next weekend, I took Monday and Tuesday off, to give me a four day weekend. I'm burned out from work, everyone's burned out at 84~
"I'm just sitting here, watching the wheels go 'round and 'round- I really love to watch them roll~"
My job at 84 continues on without issue, and thankfully I am able for the most part to just isolate myself in my work truck, and deliver to job sites where I can keep my distance from people. But lately I've been delivering pressure treated products to customer's homes, so I made the decision to begin wearing a mask, for my own protection, and out of respect to my customers. For the most part, I can work with it on, but sometimes it just has to come off- I can't get my breath when moving heavy lumber or shingles, like a load I had yesterday. After a while, breathing in hot air was starting to affect me, and the customer respectfully gave me some social distancing, so I could finish the drop. I also made the decision to start wearing a mask because Ohio has been seeing a huge resurgence of Covid-19.
Yesterday, Ohio reported almost 1,000 new cases of Covid-19, matching our previous 1000+ records set between April 18-21, where the state had 3,000 new cases in roughly 72 hours. It's been an alarming trend after the state had stabilized for almost two months, around 400 new cases a day. We haven't been able to flatten the curve, and that seems like a national trend. Whether its people just not caring anymore, or letting their guard down. I have no idea. I have heard that a lot of Ohio's new cases are coming from people who went on vacation and from around Memorial Day. I know for certain that I've written off all my summer plans. I've pretty much written all of 2020 off!
I've calmed myself down after resigning myself to fate. There's nothing more I can do, so I just have to deal with it. I said "goodbye" to my buddies Hawkwolf and Rrowdy Beast; "see ya next year~". Unless some big breakthrough happens between now and then, I'm not seeing this crisis going away anytime soon, not until sometime in 2021. All of us are rather stressed by the situation, but it is what it is. I tell myself "well at least you're still working".
It's summer time, but yet, it doesn't feel like summer to me, it feels just surreal. Evrerything's lush and green when I'm out driving to job sites, but yet, it doesn't give me the enthusiasm because of the danger that's lurking around. I'm happy I'm able to get out and see this stuff while on the road- I think that's the only consolation prize that I can think of. Heh, I've been enjoying my nature photography as well to pass the time when I'm off work. In fact, next weekend, I took Monday and Tuesday off, to give me a four day weekend. I'm burned out from work, everyone's burned out at 84~
"I'm just sitting here, watching the wheels go 'round and 'round- I really love to watch them roll~"
Uncertain (Vent journal)
Posted 5 years agoIf I told you that I was doing okay, I'd be lying to you. Since my last journal entry in April, things haven't been all that well for me, emotionally. This has been an unprecedented year of bad news, and with everything going on- a pandemic with no end in sight, a deeply divided nation and incompetently run government, and now inflamed racial tensions, it has left me feeling very uncertain on where things go from here. Add to it my own personal issues ailing me, and its been an extreme emotional roller coaster of feelings.
Everyday I feel flustered and restless. I can't really describe it- it feels like butterflies in my stomach constantly, a constant feeling of worry, anger, and frustration over things that are simply beyond my control. I no longer have daily panic attacks over working in a pandemic- I think I've largely grown jaded to that, and accept being an essential worker in the building services industry. I do my best to stay safe; I try and isolate as much as I can in my work truck, I regularly wash my hands and use sanitizer whenever I leave a job site or gas station, and try and maintain social distancing. So far, thank goodness, I have not gotten sick with Covid-19; I also doubt I'm an asymptomatic carrier, as I've been around my family and nobody has gotten sick (also, thank goodness). One part of my frustration is working in an industry full of people who think coronavirus is "no big deal", that its a political hitjob to make Trump look bad, and to purposely wreck the economy, to give Democrats an edge. None of these people I work with make an effort to try and be safe, because they don't believe the guidelines from the CDC for social distancing, ect, ect. It is such a bitter feeling to hold, because the longer people fight it, the longer we're gonna have to endure this virus as we struggle with the curve. I turn on the news, and watch people at their worst; I watch folks protesting about how not getting a haircut, or going to their favorite bar, was government tyranny. Watching people flock to a bar with a big pool, only to find out someone actually had Covid-19, and potentially exposed HUNDREDS of people. I miss hanging out with my friends. I'm upset that my summer plans got ruined, I had hopes of heading back up to Michigan to see my buds there in Canton, and that's on hold until this virus gets mitigated. Yeah, I'm upset, yeah its disappointing, but it is what it is. I usually believe in the mantra of "those who sacrifice freedom for safety, deserve neither", but I make an exception for a public health emergency, one that could easily kill me and my whole family.
I worry and weep for this nation. This country is now more divided than ever before between red and blue, conservative and liberal, Democrat verses Republican. We have turned a public health crisis into a political game of hardball, with potentially disastrous consequences. There is no government leadership that is competent to offer assurances and comfort to a nation in distress. Instead, we have a president who wants to stir the flames of partisanship, and other politicians wanting to stir the pot for their own agendas. Add to that, the recent events in Minnesota, where once again, we're facing corrupt law enforcement killing a black man in custody, with tragic results around the nation. What we are witnessing is the collective anger of a nation under tremendous pressure, exploding out in these riots and protests. People have a right, and should be angry, that a bad police officer knelt on a man's neck until he died. That wanton act of barbarism served to only highlight further, the overwhelming examples of institutionalized racism that his nation still faces. And I hope that people take this tragedy and learn something from it. I condemn the destruction and the looting, but in the words of Martin Luther King Jr., "riots are the voices of the unheard".
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” -MLK
These recent events make me think about my own multiracial background. I am not fully white- I am half Macedonian, and half Korean, with some British, French, German, and Irish thrown in distantly. People can tell "I'm different"- my eyes kinda give it away, and I have olive skin from my southeastern European roots. I used to get bullied as a child for looking different- very cruel jokes about being half Asian, for having buck teeth, and being autistic. But yet, for all that, I never once had to live in fear about the color of my skin, or how law enforcement would react to me. When I used to make movies with my friends, we had the cops called on us on three separate occasions. Only one time did they have us raise our hands while they patted us down, because of our airsoft rifles used in the films. The other two times, the officers were laughing and joking with us. I never thought much about it until a few years ago, after the Ferguson shooting, when it started to dawn on me. "Would those officers have reacted different if me and my friends were darker skinned?" "Would they have been as cordial and calm had someone called the cops on a group of black people with realistic looking prop guns?" Like recent events of people calling the police on black people in public places, I had faced people giving the police calls, with embellished tales of "shootouts!" and "people with guns fighting in the street!" We even had on the last incident SWAT on standby down the road. What would have happened to us if we were black? It wouldn't have been as calm. That really blew my mind the more I thought about it. It honestly scared me a bit~
I also feel for a close friend of mine, who's multiracial like me; he's Norwegian, Scotch-Irish, Native American, and Black. In fact, I never knew he had a mulatto father, until we talked about it one day. My friend is paler than me, with bright blue eyes, and I know he's taken these events hard, as rightfully as he should. He told me a story about when he was born in 1980, and his father making it absolutely clear that he was white on his birth certificate, despite his bi-racial heritage. That tale opened my eyes up even further- it made me think about my own multiracial heritage of having a Korean mother. My parents never once had to worry like that. It makes my heart ache further.
With all the events going on, it's really dragged me down emotionally. I feel so mentally exhausted as I juggle all these emotions on a daily basis. I feel as though I've returned to the emotional nadir I felt in August 2019, as my job at Lowe's came to a frustrating end. I feel very uncertain about whether I can see my friends again, whether my friendships will be affected by the quarantine/social distancing, and when life can return back to a subjective sense of "normal". I've been battling depression on and off for about six years, and I thought I had overcome it last year. But all the exigencies of 2020 has erupted my depression back from remission, and I've even had a few suicidal thoughts of putting a gun to my head and ending it. I have to step back, take a breath, and realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I honestly just feel lonely- work, sleep, and commuting. My weekend activities are making a trip to shop at Target, and refueling at Speedway, and the occasional trip to take Storm walking with me. Loneliness sounds so pathetic, but that's what drags me down some days. Even at work, I keep some distance with my co-workers because of serious ideological differences in politics, and the lack of need to argue over Trump, Biden, Sanders. It's just not worth it.
We're about halfway through the year now, and its been a real drag. And while I'm still standing? My knees are trembling from the emotional burden I must carry on my shoulders.
Everyday I feel flustered and restless. I can't really describe it- it feels like butterflies in my stomach constantly, a constant feeling of worry, anger, and frustration over things that are simply beyond my control. I no longer have daily panic attacks over working in a pandemic- I think I've largely grown jaded to that, and accept being an essential worker in the building services industry. I do my best to stay safe; I try and isolate as much as I can in my work truck, I regularly wash my hands and use sanitizer whenever I leave a job site or gas station, and try and maintain social distancing. So far, thank goodness, I have not gotten sick with Covid-19; I also doubt I'm an asymptomatic carrier, as I've been around my family and nobody has gotten sick (also, thank goodness). One part of my frustration is working in an industry full of people who think coronavirus is "no big deal", that its a political hitjob to make Trump look bad, and to purposely wreck the economy, to give Democrats an edge. None of these people I work with make an effort to try and be safe, because they don't believe the guidelines from the CDC for social distancing, ect, ect. It is such a bitter feeling to hold, because the longer people fight it, the longer we're gonna have to endure this virus as we struggle with the curve. I turn on the news, and watch people at their worst; I watch folks protesting about how not getting a haircut, or going to their favorite bar, was government tyranny. Watching people flock to a bar with a big pool, only to find out someone actually had Covid-19, and potentially exposed HUNDREDS of people. I miss hanging out with my friends. I'm upset that my summer plans got ruined, I had hopes of heading back up to Michigan to see my buds there in Canton, and that's on hold until this virus gets mitigated. Yeah, I'm upset, yeah its disappointing, but it is what it is. I usually believe in the mantra of "those who sacrifice freedom for safety, deserve neither", but I make an exception for a public health emergency, one that could easily kill me and my whole family.
I worry and weep for this nation. This country is now more divided than ever before between red and blue, conservative and liberal, Democrat verses Republican. We have turned a public health crisis into a political game of hardball, with potentially disastrous consequences. There is no government leadership that is competent to offer assurances and comfort to a nation in distress. Instead, we have a president who wants to stir the flames of partisanship, and other politicians wanting to stir the pot for their own agendas. Add to that, the recent events in Minnesota, where once again, we're facing corrupt law enforcement killing a black man in custody, with tragic results around the nation. What we are witnessing is the collective anger of a nation under tremendous pressure, exploding out in these riots and protests. People have a right, and should be angry, that a bad police officer knelt on a man's neck until he died. That wanton act of barbarism served to only highlight further, the overwhelming examples of institutionalized racism that his nation still faces. And I hope that people take this tragedy and learn something from it. I condemn the destruction and the looting, but in the words of Martin Luther King Jr., "riots are the voices of the unheard".
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” -MLK
These recent events make me think about my own multiracial background. I am not fully white- I am half Macedonian, and half Korean, with some British, French, German, and Irish thrown in distantly. People can tell "I'm different"- my eyes kinda give it away, and I have olive skin from my southeastern European roots. I used to get bullied as a child for looking different- very cruel jokes about being half Asian, for having buck teeth, and being autistic. But yet, for all that, I never once had to live in fear about the color of my skin, or how law enforcement would react to me. When I used to make movies with my friends, we had the cops called on us on three separate occasions. Only one time did they have us raise our hands while they patted us down, because of our airsoft rifles used in the films. The other two times, the officers were laughing and joking with us. I never thought much about it until a few years ago, after the Ferguson shooting, when it started to dawn on me. "Would those officers have reacted different if me and my friends were darker skinned?" "Would they have been as cordial and calm had someone called the cops on a group of black people with realistic looking prop guns?" Like recent events of people calling the police on black people in public places, I had faced people giving the police calls, with embellished tales of "shootouts!" and "people with guns fighting in the street!" We even had on the last incident SWAT on standby down the road. What would have happened to us if we were black? It wouldn't have been as calm. That really blew my mind the more I thought about it. It honestly scared me a bit~
I also feel for a close friend of mine, who's multiracial like me; he's Norwegian, Scotch-Irish, Native American, and Black. In fact, I never knew he had a mulatto father, until we talked about it one day. My friend is paler than me, with bright blue eyes, and I know he's taken these events hard, as rightfully as he should. He told me a story about when he was born in 1980, and his father making it absolutely clear that he was white on his birth certificate, despite his bi-racial heritage. That tale opened my eyes up even further- it made me think about my own multiracial heritage of having a Korean mother. My parents never once had to worry like that. It makes my heart ache further.
With all the events going on, it's really dragged me down emotionally. I feel so mentally exhausted as I juggle all these emotions on a daily basis. I feel as though I've returned to the emotional nadir I felt in August 2019, as my job at Lowe's came to a frustrating end. I feel very uncertain about whether I can see my friends again, whether my friendships will be affected by the quarantine/social distancing, and when life can return back to a subjective sense of "normal". I've been battling depression on and off for about six years, and I thought I had overcome it last year. But all the exigencies of 2020 has erupted my depression back from remission, and I've even had a few suicidal thoughts of putting a gun to my head and ending it. I have to step back, take a breath, and realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I honestly just feel lonely- work, sleep, and commuting. My weekend activities are making a trip to shop at Target, and refueling at Speedway, and the occasional trip to take Storm walking with me. Loneliness sounds so pathetic, but that's what drags me down some days. Even at work, I keep some distance with my co-workers because of serious ideological differences in politics, and the lack of need to argue over Trump, Biden, Sanders. It's just not worth it.
We're about halfway through the year now, and its been a real drag. And while I'm still standing? My knees are trembling from the emotional burden I must carry on my shoulders.
I'm Still Standing
Posted 5 years agoThought I'd check in here and give an update~
I'm still standing, but my nerves are honestly frayed from this current Covid-19 contingency. I was deemed an essential worker for 84 Lumber, because of our services in the building supply industry. So while I'm thankful that I still have a job and income coming in, the stress of working and driving a truck under a pandemic, has elevated my stress levels quite a bit. I've had more panic attacks this past month than I have had, four years combined. It's been terrible having about three panic attacks a week over a number of stressful events. I've also been washing my hands to such a point that I've had eczema breakouts on my knuckles. Been washing hands every couple hours, and slathering lotion on them afterwards. "Rinse and repeat".
On top of working under a disease pandemic, I've been facing other problems; my father is currently unemployed after being laid off in February, and his job search got derailed by the pandemic. Our house is having roof leaks, and we discovered that the roof is at the verge of structural failure. The guy who came to inspect the roof almost fell through when he hit a soft spot. It's looking to cost about $8,000+ to have the whole roof and structure beneath replaced. Lovely- during the midst of unemployment + disease pandemic. It could be worse though~
I've been worried about family and friends getting sick. I hope everyone here has been holding up fine. Been keeping such fine people as
hawkwolf 
rrowdybeast and 
ottukiprime 
arthien in my thoughts.
I guess one just has to take it one day at a time.
I'm still standing, but my nerves are honestly frayed from this current Covid-19 contingency. I was deemed an essential worker for 84 Lumber, because of our services in the building supply industry. So while I'm thankful that I still have a job and income coming in, the stress of working and driving a truck under a pandemic, has elevated my stress levels quite a bit. I've had more panic attacks this past month than I have had, four years combined. It's been terrible having about three panic attacks a week over a number of stressful events. I've also been washing my hands to such a point that I've had eczema breakouts on my knuckles. Been washing hands every couple hours, and slathering lotion on them afterwards. "Rinse and repeat".
On top of working under a disease pandemic, I've been facing other problems; my father is currently unemployed after being laid off in February, and his job search got derailed by the pandemic. Our house is having roof leaks, and we discovered that the roof is at the verge of structural failure. The guy who came to inspect the roof almost fell through when he hit a soft spot. It's looking to cost about $8,000+ to have the whole roof and structure beneath replaced. Lovely- during the midst of unemployment + disease pandemic. It could be worse though~
I've been worried about family and friends getting sick. I hope everyone here has been holding up fine. Been keeping such fine people as
hawkwolf 
rrowdybeast and 
ottukiprime 
arthien in my thoughts. I guess one just has to take it one day at a time.
Concluding the Year/Concluding a Decade
Posted 6 years agoWe have reached the end of 2019. And with that, we've reached the end of the 2010's.
For me, 2019 has ended on a much happier note than when it began. I end the year establishing myself at 84 Lumber as their Truck Driver with Benefits, and finally emerging from a long, lingering depression that has tormented me for half the decade. My mental health had taken a lot of abuse this year, but now I have been slowly decompressing from everything that had happened.
2019 began with me continuing at Lowe's in Delivery Services. Throughout the year, I watched as my job began to slowly deteriorate, by the actions of Lowe's Corporate, and an ethically ruinous management team that drove my department into the ground. As the year went on, I felt as though I was increasingly in a mental haze, a choking fog that numbed me throughout the day. Poorly done deliveries, rude customers, and incompetent employees only added to the stress. I grew particularly disgusted at management; conniving, gaslighting, manipulative, Machiavellian. Those are the words to describe some of my management team. My supervisor would never be around to help, but if we got delayed, he'd be the first to complain. I should have left months before I was forced to, but fear of the unknown and unemployment, kept me in a deteriorating situation. The job stress got to everyone, and bad attitudes and disgruntlement were common in deliveries. I got into an argument with the Delivery Coordinator who replaced me, which ended up getting me almost fired for telling him to "go fuck himself". I suspect there was more said than what actually happened- the dude who replaced me was the kind of race baiter who said "that's racist" to any kind of criticism. He had an axe to grind with me because I always held his incompetency accountable; I was a former coordinator who couldn't take the stress anymore, and his incompetency was making everything worse for the rest of the team. It finally concluded in August, when I had make a private joke about my "supervisor being mentally retarded". Coordinator ran to tell him, and the next day, Lowe's forced me to fill out a statement, which I initially refused. The final straw came when the manager lied to my face and said "I know nothing about your prior disciplinary write-ups". I stormed out of the office knowing I was to be fired. The next day, I came in, cleaned out my locker, and gave them my resignation. I turned around and walked out. Never looked back. I refused to give them the pleasure of firing me, and it felt empowering to quit on my terms. It felt as though 20 tons of weight came off my shoulders; the mental fog lifted.
I spent five weeks of 2019 unemployed. It was a time to mentally recuperate, but it was a slow recuperation, as the thought of finding a job at at me at all times. Out of the blue, 84 called me, and a very fast interview got me hired as their truck driver. I am very thankful to 84 for bringing me in at such a critical juncture. Since September 30, I have driven over 9,000 miles in the state of Ohio. Sometimes you get headaches, but that's natural. I love getting out to see the state. Just me, my load, and a rumbling runner truck on the highway. It has allowed me to decompress. There's still progress to go, but mentally I haven't felt this good in a long time. Retail sucks the life out of everything, it seems.
I also end the year establishing my friendship with hawkwolf and 
chadfoxx up in Michigan. I am thankful that I got to spend a few weekends with them up in their hometown. They helped me keep my sanity through the year~ I end the year having finally met rrowdybeast, formerly Silver Fenrir. He was the first furry I ever spoke to, way back in July 2007. For over a decade, I longed to meet him, and that finally came true this month. A truly wonderful guy, who always inspired me and my furry aspirations in drawing and later writing when others were rather cruel. Finally a friendship across the cyber world, can be continued in the real realm.
The Decade: I began this decade as a naive 17 year old approaching the cusp of graduating high school. I had no set goal in mind at the time, and the thought of college was daunting. I was an opportunist who thought that life was going to be great. I end this decade as a jaded, burned-out 27 year old. Life throughout the decade as punched me, kicked me when I was down, bloodied my nose. But I am thankful that it allowed me to become more cynical, as life is a dog eat dog world. It's full of cruelty, bootlickers, sycophants. "Ever notice we live in a world where good men are murdered and mediocre hacks thrive?" -Bill Hicks. This decade I have learned so much about myself, good and bad. I realized how my Autism affects me, I realized what I lacked socially, and tried to gain. I learned who my real friends are, and gained many more along the way. I used to think I was a failure because of my Autism, that I was some pathetic loser who'd amount to nothing. But I realized what I accomplished in these ten years; I have been consistently employed one way or another since 2011, I bought the truck I always wanted, I have been able to maintain a full time job. I have achieved so much, with a little help along the way, but I did it through willpower. It wasn't perfect, but nothing's perfect in life.
As we begin a new decade, I can't help but worry about where we're heading as a country, as a global community. As 2019 closes, we face challenges and threats; as a country, we're divided worse than ever, in a hyperpartisan gridlock, approaching a major election. The mesmerizing sirens of totalitarianism sing, enticing people towards the jagged rocks of tyranny, the blackness of fascism. I say this to both sides of the political world- Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives: Be careful what you wish for, as the political pendulum can swing the other way, and, those who sacrifice freedom for safety, deserve neither. Perhaps it's always darkest before the dawn~
Thank you all my watchers here on FA. Have a happy New Years!
-Coyote
For me, 2019 has ended on a much happier note than when it began. I end the year establishing myself at 84 Lumber as their Truck Driver with Benefits, and finally emerging from a long, lingering depression that has tormented me for half the decade. My mental health had taken a lot of abuse this year, but now I have been slowly decompressing from everything that had happened.
2019 began with me continuing at Lowe's in Delivery Services. Throughout the year, I watched as my job began to slowly deteriorate, by the actions of Lowe's Corporate, and an ethically ruinous management team that drove my department into the ground. As the year went on, I felt as though I was increasingly in a mental haze, a choking fog that numbed me throughout the day. Poorly done deliveries, rude customers, and incompetent employees only added to the stress. I grew particularly disgusted at management; conniving, gaslighting, manipulative, Machiavellian. Those are the words to describe some of my management team. My supervisor would never be around to help, but if we got delayed, he'd be the first to complain. I should have left months before I was forced to, but fear of the unknown and unemployment, kept me in a deteriorating situation. The job stress got to everyone, and bad attitudes and disgruntlement were common in deliveries. I got into an argument with the Delivery Coordinator who replaced me, which ended up getting me almost fired for telling him to "go fuck himself". I suspect there was more said than what actually happened- the dude who replaced me was the kind of race baiter who said "that's racist" to any kind of criticism. He had an axe to grind with me because I always held his incompetency accountable; I was a former coordinator who couldn't take the stress anymore, and his incompetency was making everything worse for the rest of the team. It finally concluded in August, when I had make a private joke about my "supervisor being mentally retarded". Coordinator ran to tell him, and the next day, Lowe's forced me to fill out a statement, which I initially refused. The final straw came when the manager lied to my face and said "I know nothing about your prior disciplinary write-ups". I stormed out of the office knowing I was to be fired. The next day, I came in, cleaned out my locker, and gave them my resignation. I turned around and walked out. Never looked back. I refused to give them the pleasure of firing me, and it felt empowering to quit on my terms. It felt as though 20 tons of weight came off my shoulders; the mental fog lifted.
I spent five weeks of 2019 unemployed. It was a time to mentally recuperate, but it was a slow recuperation, as the thought of finding a job at at me at all times. Out of the blue, 84 called me, and a very fast interview got me hired as their truck driver. I am very thankful to 84 for bringing me in at such a critical juncture. Since September 30, I have driven over 9,000 miles in the state of Ohio. Sometimes you get headaches, but that's natural. I love getting out to see the state. Just me, my load, and a rumbling runner truck on the highway. It has allowed me to decompress. There's still progress to go, but mentally I haven't felt this good in a long time. Retail sucks the life out of everything, it seems.
I also end the year establishing my friendship with
hawkwolf and 
chadfoxx up in Michigan. I am thankful that I got to spend a few weekends with them up in their hometown. They helped me keep my sanity through the year~ I end the year having finally met rrowdybeast, formerly Silver Fenrir. He was the first furry I ever spoke to, way back in July 2007. For over a decade, I longed to meet him, and that finally came true this month. A truly wonderful guy, who always inspired me and my furry aspirations in drawing and later writing when others were rather cruel. Finally a friendship across the cyber world, can be continued in the real realm. The Decade: I began this decade as a naive 17 year old approaching the cusp of graduating high school. I had no set goal in mind at the time, and the thought of college was daunting. I was an opportunist who thought that life was going to be great. I end this decade as a jaded, burned-out 27 year old. Life throughout the decade as punched me, kicked me when I was down, bloodied my nose. But I am thankful that it allowed me to become more cynical, as life is a dog eat dog world. It's full of cruelty, bootlickers, sycophants. "Ever notice we live in a world where good men are murdered and mediocre hacks thrive?" -Bill Hicks. This decade I have learned so much about myself, good and bad. I realized how my Autism affects me, I realized what I lacked socially, and tried to gain. I learned who my real friends are, and gained many more along the way. I used to think I was a failure because of my Autism, that I was some pathetic loser who'd amount to nothing. But I realized what I accomplished in these ten years; I have been consistently employed one way or another since 2011, I bought the truck I always wanted, I have been able to maintain a full time job. I have achieved so much, with a little help along the way, but I did it through willpower. It wasn't perfect, but nothing's perfect in life.
As we begin a new decade, I can't help but worry about where we're heading as a country, as a global community. As 2019 closes, we face challenges and threats; as a country, we're divided worse than ever, in a hyperpartisan gridlock, approaching a major election. The mesmerizing sirens of totalitarianism sing, enticing people towards the jagged rocks of tyranny, the blackness of fascism. I say this to both sides of the political world- Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives: Be careful what you wish for, as the political pendulum can swing the other way, and, those who sacrifice freedom for safety, deserve neither. Perhaps it's always darkest before the dawn~
Thank you all my watchers here on FA. Have a happy New Years!
-Coyote
Merry Christmas
Posted 6 years agoMerry Christmas everyone~
Employed!/Updates
Posted 6 years agoThe past few weeks have been looking up for me. I've ended my unemployment spell and now work as a truck driver for 84 Lumber. I deleted my prior journal, about my departure from Lowe's, in an effort to prevent any scrupulous employer to use it against my application.
To recall: I quit from Lowe's on August 22, to avoid getting fired over something incredibly stupid. Being upset and constantly frustrated over an unrealistic, incompetent management team, I fired off a joke on the 20th about my supervisor being "retarded". Our delivery coordinator, who me and him did not get along, proceeded to rat me out to said supervisor, in an effort to get back at me for "saying shit behind his back" i.e. asking the appliance department if they were selling orders right, or the coordinator forgetting stuff. So the next day, I come in and immediately get pulled into the office and asked about "my conduct" the day before. They expected me to write a statement out, and I knew right away that it was over- I was going to get fired. I was already on a final because I told the coordinator to "go fuck himself" in an argument, and I was no longer useful to store management. They even tried to keep me in the office when I said I needed privacy and a moment to think (I was going to go and fill out a resignation and leave then). So I fill out a statement, where I clearly state "I am upset over the incompetency demonstrated by my management team", and left to head back home. I tried to contact corporate HR over this situation, but my hands were tied when corporate HR basically said "they wanted to fire me back in June for unprofessional behavior, but your management team stood in the way" (they couldn't afford to lose someone else in the department, so they begged to keep me as an extra body). With no other choice, I resigned on August 22. I went in early, cleaned out my locker, and placed the resignation on the manager desk and left. Didn't even look back. Doing that felt as though 20 tons of weight were lifted off my shoulder. I was unemployed and unsure of where I was going to head next. I remained unemployed for about five weeks, until late September.
The day before I quit, I had applied to 84 Lumber, thinking it was a long shot. "Oh, they'll never hire me" I cynically thought. One day, out of the blue, I got a phone call from the yard supervisor to 84, asking if I was still interested- which I gave an immediate yes. They invited me in for an interview the next day, which was far from a traditional interview. I walked with the yard supervisor; he asked me "tell me about yourself", and then handed me a drug test form after a brief walk around the facility. I was hired instantly. They offered me my original application of a "Yard Person with Benefits", or a Truck Driver position. The store has a Silverado, their "runner truck" for small, urgent loads, and after some discussion of what that entitles, I agreed to become their "Truck driver with Benefits".
84 is a lot different entity than any place I've ever worked at. It's more of a traditional lumber yard, very blue collar. Everyone, from yard workers, management, and sales people, are easy going, and everyone talks the same; blunt and to the point. It's quite refreshing compared to the constant need to "look out for customers". It's hard work at times, but the day goes by fast, especially when running loads out in the runner truck. I haven't done extremely far trips yet, but I've hit all corners of greater Columbus, and have driven over 1,000 miles in the past two weeks, hauling everything from lumber, to a box of nails to a construction site.
It's hard work, but I feel so much better mentally. When I worked at Lowe's, everyday I felt as though I was in a fog. It was a daily feeling of frustration and mounting anger, caused by an incompetent delivery coordinator, a lazy supervisor who sat in his office all the time, and a mercurial ASM who just wanted to be a colossal bitch about everything. The morale of the store was low when I left; apparently all over, Lowe's employees are complaining about record low morale. The whole company is on shaky ground due to corporate wanting to reinvent the wheel. I left at the perfect time, as a few weeks later, deliveries got shut down for third party, and my remaining driver friends there got reassigned to other departments. One plans on leaving soon.
I've found myself a good place to work for, and I hope that from here, it only goes up. I haven't felt this content in a long time~
To recall: I quit from Lowe's on August 22, to avoid getting fired over something incredibly stupid. Being upset and constantly frustrated over an unrealistic, incompetent management team, I fired off a joke on the 20th about my supervisor being "retarded". Our delivery coordinator, who me and him did not get along, proceeded to rat me out to said supervisor, in an effort to get back at me for "saying shit behind his back" i.e. asking the appliance department if they were selling orders right, or the coordinator forgetting stuff. So the next day, I come in and immediately get pulled into the office and asked about "my conduct" the day before. They expected me to write a statement out, and I knew right away that it was over- I was going to get fired. I was already on a final because I told the coordinator to "go fuck himself" in an argument, and I was no longer useful to store management. They even tried to keep me in the office when I said I needed privacy and a moment to think (I was going to go and fill out a resignation and leave then). So I fill out a statement, where I clearly state "I am upset over the incompetency demonstrated by my management team", and left to head back home. I tried to contact corporate HR over this situation, but my hands were tied when corporate HR basically said "they wanted to fire me back in June for unprofessional behavior, but your management team stood in the way" (they couldn't afford to lose someone else in the department, so they begged to keep me as an extra body). With no other choice, I resigned on August 22. I went in early, cleaned out my locker, and placed the resignation on the manager desk and left. Didn't even look back. Doing that felt as though 20 tons of weight were lifted off my shoulder. I was unemployed and unsure of where I was going to head next. I remained unemployed for about five weeks, until late September.
The day before I quit, I had applied to 84 Lumber, thinking it was a long shot. "Oh, they'll never hire me" I cynically thought. One day, out of the blue, I got a phone call from the yard supervisor to 84, asking if I was still interested- which I gave an immediate yes. They invited me in for an interview the next day, which was far from a traditional interview. I walked with the yard supervisor; he asked me "tell me about yourself", and then handed me a drug test form after a brief walk around the facility. I was hired instantly. They offered me my original application of a "Yard Person with Benefits", or a Truck Driver position. The store has a Silverado, their "runner truck" for small, urgent loads, and after some discussion of what that entitles, I agreed to become their "Truck driver with Benefits".
84 is a lot different entity than any place I've ever worked at. It's more of a traditional lumber yard, very blue collar. Everyone, from yard workers, management, and sales people, are easy going, and everyone talks the same; blunt and to the point. It's quite refreshing compared to the constant need to "look out for customers". It's hard work at times, but the day goes by fast, especially when running loads out in the runner truck. I haven't done extremely far trips yet, but I've hit all corners of greater Columbus, and have driven over 1,000 miles in the past two weeks, hauling everything from lumber, to a box of nails to a construction site.
It's hard work, but I feel so much better mentally. When I worked at Lowe's, everyday I felt as though I was in a fog. It was a daily feeling of frustration and mounting anger, caused by an incompetent delivery coordinator, a lazy supervisor who sat in his office all the time, and a mercurial ASM who just wanted to be a colossal bitch about everything. The morale of the store was low when I left; apparently all over, Lowe's employees are complaining about record low morale. The whole company is on shaky ground due to corporate wanting to reinvent the wheel. I left at the perfect time, as a few weeks later, deliveries got shut down for third party, and my remaining driver friends there got reassigned to other departments. One plans on leaving soon.
I've found myself a good place to work for, and I hope that from here, it only goes up. I haven't felt this content in a long time~
Concluding 2018
Posted 7 years agoI had high hopes that 2018 would be a big improvement for me, but it seems that the year has ended once again on a rather stagnant note. It was a roller coaster year; with lots of ups and downs.
I started the year off on a high note. I was in a new job, working for Lowe's in Reynoldsburg, and expecting my Doberman puppy, who was born in February. For the first half of the year, there were a number of accomplishments. I finally got a dog in April, after waiting nearly ten years. Storm came home with me in early April to become part of the family. I got settled into work, and enjoyed what I did, working in deliveries, and installing appliances for Lowe's. In August, I finally got to meet Hawkwolf and his husband, Chadfoxx, in Michigan, after attending Thunder over Michigan. It was the high point of the year; finally being able to hang out with other furs and visit the scenery around Ann Arbor and Detroit. I finished August ordering a new laptop, to finally replace my aging Thinkpad from 2012.
But then the momentum began slipping. The job stress returned with a vengeance, and I found myself growing frustrated once again with work. Our department suffered a major setback with just about half the department fired over an inappropriate photograph taken of one of our drivers. Our new management's emphasis on raw speed has added to the growing level of stress, coupled with uncertainty over new management's plans for our store. That was compounded by the car accident at the end of September, which added to the headaches for two months while I fought State Farm just to get the vehicle out of Toledo, and then have it repaired. The wreck left me shook up for a while. I've found that my depression returned once again; the ebb and flow of feeling down and introspective. It wasn't helped when I got cussed out by a car salesman over an "incident" at a Ford dealership, when a malfunctioning four-wheel drive system got me stuck in some mud during a photo shoot. I have never been chewed out like that before, and it really left an unpleasant mark. All of these issues left the Holidays feeling glum, and a bitter conclusion for the year.
I end 2018 hoping to build on what I've accomplished. My goal for 2019 is to "only go up from here". One day at a time I guess.
Goodbye 2018, hello 2019. Happy New Years everyone~
I started the year off on a high note. I was in a new job, working for Lowe's in Reynoldsburg, and expecting my Doberman puppy, who was born in February. For the first half of the year, there were a number of accomplishments. I finally got a dog in April, after waiting nearly ten years. Storm came home with me in early April to become part of the family. I got settled into work, and enjoyed what I did, working in deliveries, and installing appliances for Lowe's. In August, I finally got to meet Hawkwolf and his husband, Chadfoxx, in Michigan, after attending Thunder over Michigan. It was the high point of the year; finally being able to hang out with other furs and visit the scenery around Ann Arbor and Detroit. I finished August ordering a new laptop, to finally replace my aging Thinkpad from 2012.
But then the momentum began slipping. The job stress returned with a vengeance, and I found myself growing frustrated once again with work. Our department suffered a major setback with just about half the department fired over an inappropriate photograph taken of one of our drivers. Our new management's emphasis on raw speed has added to the growing level of stress, coupled with uncertainty over new management's plans for our store. That was compounded by the car accident at the end of September, which added to the headaches for two months while I fought State Farm just to get the vehicle out of Toledo, and then have it repaired. The wreck left me shook up for a while. I've found that my depression returned once again; the ebb and flow of feeling down and introspective. It wasn't helped when I got cussed out by a car salesman over an "incident" at a Ford dealership, when a malfunctioning four-wheel drive system got me stuck in some mud during a photo shoot. I have never been chewed out like that before, and it really left an unpleasant mark. All of these issues left the Holidays feeling glum, and a bitter conclusion for the year.
I end 2018 hoping to build on what I've accomplished. My goal for 2019 is to "only go up from here". One day at a time I guess.
Goodbye 2018, hello 2019. Happy New Years everyone~
Merry Christmas
Posted 7 years agoWanting to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas~ Enjoy.
Looking Up
Posted 7 years agoFrom my last journal three weeks ago, things weren't going so well in my life. Three weeks ago, I was still reeling from my Sep. 28 car crash in Toledo. There was a lot of uncertainty back then on what was going to happen, a constant stream of bad information, and just the stress of work making things worse and worse. The past week and a half have been a lot more positive.
Last Friday, my truck finally got moved from Toledo, back to Newark, where Coughlin GM of Newark will be doing the repairs. My Silverado sustained $11,500 in damages from the collision. It's mostly limited to the front end and doors; basically the entire front of the truck will be brand new when all is said and done. The doors need some repainting, and the entire airbag system will need replacing. Amazingly, there's zero frame damage, but they told me the 3/4 ton Silverados have a very tough frame. "Built like a tank!" I'll get the truck back, November 2nd.
It took forever to get the truck moved from the Toledo PD lot, because, according to how one of the claims specialists at my agent's office, "there were too many hands involved". I had faced an uphill battle with State Farm, because they initially refused to tow the vehicle back to Newark, citing "liability". The Toledo office said I could get the vehicle repaired in Toledo, but I refused because my policy had towing privileges. It was a back and forth battle over the phone and my office with the main office of SF. It got so bad I furiously told State Farm to "write the god damn thing off". SF finally caved, and after a final push to get me to repair the vehicle in Loraine, OH (Loraine is next to Cleveland), they caved and agreed to tow the vehicle back to Newark, to the repair dealership of my pick. I won.
Things at work have been looking up the past week and a half. After a tense week following the wreck, I found a few strategies to help mitigate the stress. I've found that by going in a bit early, and getting everything ready for our delivery truck, it's helped to increase my morale. The "balls to the wall" in September has been replaced by things slowing down for Lowe's as the labor day sale onslaught subsides. It has also defused the tension I was facing. I'm up for a pay raise, next pay period, which only helps more!
Things are getting better. One day at a time.
Last Friday, my truck finally got moved from Toledo, back to Newark, where Coughlin GM of Newark will be doing the repairs. My Silverado sustained $11,500 in damages from the collision. It's mostly limited to the front end and doors; basically the entire front of the truck will be brand new when all is said and done. The doors need some repainting, and the entire airbag system will need replacing. Amazingly, there's zero frame damage, but they told me the 3/4 ton Silverados have a very tough frame. "Built like a tank!" I'll get the truck back, November 2nd.
It took forever to get the truck moved from the Toledo PD lot, because, according to how one of the claims specialists at my agent's office, "there were too many hands involved". I had faced an uphill battle with State Farm, because they initially refused to tow the vehicle back to Newark, citing "liability". The Toledo office said I could get the vehicle repaired in Toledo, but I refused because my policy had towing privileges. It was a back and forth battle over the phone and my office with the main office of SF. It got so bad I furiously told State Farm to "write the god damn thing off". SF finally caved, and after a final push to get me to repair the vehicle in Loraine, OH (Loraine is next to Cleveland), they caved and agreed to tow the vehicle back to Newark, to the repair dealership of my pick. I won.
Things at work have been looking up the past week and a half. After a tense week following the wreck, I found a few strategies to help mitigate the stress. I've found that by going in a bit early, and getting everything ready for our delivery truck, it's helped to increase my morale. The "balls to the wall" in September has been replaced by things slowing down for Lowe's as the labor day sale onslaught subsides. It has also defused the tension I was facing. I'm up for a pay raise, next pay period, which only helps more!
Things are getting better. One day at a time.
Birthday
Posted 7 years agoThought, I'd update the journal some after five months~ Well today's my birthday. I turn 26. Time has really flown.
The Coming Storm~
Posted 8 years agoI received word today that my future Doberman, Storm, was born on Valentine's Day.
I am super excited to hear this; after waiting nearly a whole decade, I will finally be having man's best friend again at my side.
Ten years ago, I lost my German Shepherd, Bell. She was adopted into our family in late May 1999. One of my first memories of her was bringing her to school at the end of 1st grade as part of a outdoor show-and-tell project. She happily sat letting everyone pet her. Over the years, she was my best friend, always wanting to play with a tennis ball and beg for food when we cooked outdoors on the grill. I took her for walks all around the neighborhood, and she always enjoyed with people would come up to pay attention to her. When I was younger, she was very protective of me, and would always place herself in front of me if strangers approached. I recall when I rode with her in the back of my Dad's SUV and someone was tailgating too close, she growled and snarled her teeth at the driver, sending a warning to them that they were too close. Always protective of twelve year old me!
I lost Bell in July 2008 to an autoimmune disease that destroyed her spinal cord. One day she had a hard time walking, and by the next day, she was unable to move. We made the decision to euthanize her, to end her suffering on July 23, 2008, three days before I turned sixteen. I was heartbroken by her loss, and my hope at the time was to adopt a new dog the following year, but that was not meant to be. Now, ten years later, I am approaching the final two month stretch to wait for Storm to get big enough and weaned before taking him home to begin life with my family.
This is a day that has been long awaited.
I am super excited to hear this; after waiting nearly a whole decade, I will finally be having man's best friend again at my side.
Ten years ago, I lost my German Shepherd, Bell. She was adopted into our family in late May 1999. One of my first memories of her was bringing her to school at the end of 1st grade as part of a outdoor show-and-tell project. She happily sat letting everyone pet her. Over the years, she was my best friend, always wanting to play with a tennis ball and beg for food when we cooked outdoors on the grill. I took her for walks all around the neighborhood, and she always enjoyed with people would come up to pay attention to her. When I was younger, she was very protective of me, and would always place herself in front of me if strangers approached. I recall when I rode with her in the back of my Dad's SUV and someone was tailgating too close, she growled and snarled her teeth at the driver, sending a warning to them that they were too close. Always protective of twelve year old me!
I lost Bell in July 2008 to an autoimmune disease that destroyed her spinal cord. One day she had a hard time walking, and by the next day, she was unable to move. We made the decision to euthanize her, to end her suffering on July 23, 2008, three days before I turned sixteen. I was heartbroken by her loss, and my hope at the time was to adopt a new dog the following year, but that was not meant to be. Now, ten years later, I am approaching the final two month stretch to wait for Storm to get big enough and weaned before taking him home to begin life with my family.
This is a day that has been long awaited.
Merry Christmas!
Posted 8 years agoMerry Christmas everyone. Enjoy~
Happy Thanksgiving
Posted 8 years agoWishing everyone a very happy Thanksgiving.
Life ain't easy ya know~
Posted 8 years agoDepression is not fun.
For about two months now, I have been battling the ebb and flow of depression. Anymore, a lot of things get me triggered- I get upset, then depressed, and back to upset. I feel frustrated all the time; I'm bitter about my job prospects, my finances, my debt, my mother, the fact that I am 25 and still living at home and feeling held back, and this constant resentment of not being able to have a dog for the past 9 years.
Earlier this year, I got my goal of becoming full-time working for our local Home Depot, as the Delivery Will-Call Coordinator (DWCC). It was a lot of fun until around August when I started to burn out. The exigencies of the job, the low wages, terrible help hired into my department coupled with indifferent management, made my life a living hell at times. But my bout with depression started when I realized that no matter how I did the numbers, there was no way I could move out on $10/hr, even with a roommate because of my truck payment, at $549.69 every month. It dipped me literally into a steep depression that I haven't been able to get out since. I felt like all my hard work in turning my Home Depot's deliveries department from the laughing stock of the district to a respectable position was futile and in vain. A thankless position where all my hard work was overlooked every single day.
A few weeks ago, I made the switch to work at Lowe's in Reynoldsburg. I'm one of the Appliance Load Pullers for the store. I get paid $11.31/hr + overtime to basically deliver appliances to people around greater Columbus. It's hard work, but not as bullshit filled as my tenure as Home Depot's DWCC. The extra money is helping me continue my efforts to claw my way out of my financial hole that my job problems back in 2016 left me in. I thought that a change in job would make me happy, but instead I continue skidding along the ground. Because of my Silverado, I still am unable to move out on my own.
I was hoping to have a good friend of mine become a roommate; he's looking to move out soon, and we'd both take the financial burden off each other. But I do not feel confident that he would withstand outside overtures from "friends" of his. He's a great, intelligent friend of mine, but he has two "friends" who are nothing more than parasites who suck the life out of him and his apartment. I cannot stand either one of them; one is 29, he's never held a job, and all he wants to do is sit around, smoke weed, and watch videos on his computer. He's an incredibly lazy person who always tries to justify why he never cleans up after himself, or why he gave away an expensive computer monitor for a hit of weed, or why he's too lazy to even pick olives off a slice of pizza. The other friend is a mentally unstable 28 year old who likes to dabble in handfuls of Xanax and an occasional meth adventure. He's a self-absorbed full-of-himself son of a bitch who has stolen from my friend, or had friends of his steal from my friend's apartment FIVE FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW. But yet every time, my friend folds and lets him back into his life and apartment. He lets these people walk all over him like stairs. And I have made my opinion clear that if we get an apartment together; I want them far away, and I'm afraid that he would not be able to withstand their overtures and psychological exploitation. I warned that if any of my personal stuff was stolen by any of them, I would press charges.
It's this kind of stuff that makes me not trust people. Over the years, I've slowly lost my ability to trust people. In school I was bullied a lot because I didn't quite fit in because of Asperger's, and my trust in my peers was damaged. In college my trust was further eroded by being back-stabbed multiple times by people. My own parents have filled me with such doubt about myself and others, that I've basically come to almost not even trust my closest friends. Everyone has let me down and screwed me over enough, that I don't even feel comfortable with the idea of sharing a home with anyone!
But I cannot live at home anymore. My relationship with my mother has reached the nadir; we argue a lot, she makes me furious, and she nags ALL THE TIME. I'm 25, but I get treated like I'm 12 still. I should "go to bed on time", and "not be out too late". We've argued about this for years. I'm 25, I can think for myself. The thought of staying at my home until I pay my Silverado off in 2021 makes me sick to my stomach; I'm not sure if I have the mental stamina to wait until I'm basically 30 to move out. The damage is already done to me emotionally, I'm not sure if I could make it five years!
People tell me to not let things get me down, but words are cheap. I feel like I've screwed myself over; I didn't know what to do after high school, and basically waltzed into college without an idea or end game. Five years later and about $29,000 in debt, I struggled to even find a contract temp job! It all frustrated me. And when I thought things were going to get better when I bought my Silverado in late 2015- this naive idea that in 2 years, I'd be in much better financial shape has since blown up in my life. I'm skidding along the runway, unable to gain lift.
All the stress just makes me want to be alone. But I can't afford being alone~
For about two months now, I have been battling the ebb and flow of depression. Anymore, a lot of things get me triggered- I get upset, then depressed, and back to upset. I feel frustrated all the time; I'm bitter about my job prospects, my finances, my debt, my mother, the fact that I am 25 and still living at home and feeling held back, and this constant resentment of not being able to have a dog for the past 9 years.
Earlier this year, I got my goal of becoming full-time working for our local Home Depot, as the Delivery Will-Call Coordinator (DWCC). It was a lot of fun until around August when I started to burn out. The exigencies of the job, the low wages, terrible help hired into my department coupled with indifferent management, made my life a living hell at times. But my bout with depression started when I realized that no matter how I did the numbers, there was no way I could move out on $10/hr, even with a roommate because of my truck payment, at $549.69 every month. It dipped me literally into a steep depression that I haven't been able to get out since. I felt like all my hard work in turning my Home Depot's deliveries department from the laughing stock of the district to a respectable position was futile and in vain. A thankless position where all my hard work was overlooked every single day.
A few weeks ago, I made the switch to work at Lowe's in Reynoldsburg. I'm one of the Appliance Load Pullers for the store. I get paid $11.31/hr + overtime to basically deliver appliances to people around greater Columbus. It's hard work, but not as bullshit filled as my tenure as Home Depot's DWCC. The extra money is helping me continue my efforts to claw my way out of my financial hole that my job problems back in 2016 left me in. I thought that a change in job would make me happy, but instead I continue skidding along the ground. Because of my Silverado, I still am unable to move out on my own.
I was hoping to have a good friend of mine become a roommate; he's looking to move out soon, and we'd both take the financial burden off each other. But I do not feel confident that he would withstand outside overtures from "friends" of his. He's a great, intelligent friend of mine, but he has two "friends" who are nothing more than parasites who suck the life out of him and his apartment. I cannot stand either one of them; one is 29, he's never held a job, and all he wants to do is sit around, smoke weed, and watch videos on his computer. He's an incredibly lazy person who always tries to justify why he never cleans up after himself, or why he gave away an expensive computer monitor for a hit of weed, or why he's too lazy to even pick olives off a slice of pizza. The other friend is a mentally unstable 28 year old who likes to dabble in handfuls of Xanax and an occasional meth adventure. He's a self-absorbed full-of-himself son of a bitch who has stolen from my friend, or had friends of his steal from my friend's apartment FIVE FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW. But yet every time, my friend folds and lets him back into his life and apartment. He lets these people walk all over him like stairs. And I have made my opinion clear that if we get an apartment together; I want them far away, and I'm afraid that he would not be able to withstand their overtures and psychological exploitation. I warned that if any of my personal stuff was stolen by any of them, I would press charges.
It's this kind of stuff that makes me not trust people. Over the years, I've slowly lost my ability to trust people. In school I was bullied a lot because I didn't quite fit in because of Asperger's, and my trust in my peers was damaged. In college my trust was further eroded by being back-stabbed multiple times by people. My own parents have filled me with such doubt about myself and others, that I've basically come to almost not even trust my closest friends. Everyone has let me down and screwed me over enough, that I don't even feel comfortable with the idea of sharing a home with anyone!
But I cannot live at home anymore. My relationship with my mother has reached the nadir; we argue a lot, she makes me furious, and she nags ALL THE TIME. I'm 25, but I get treated like I'm 12 still. I should "go to bed on time", and "not be out too late". We've argued about this for years. I'm 25, I can think for myself. The thought of staying at my home until I pay my Silverado off in 2021 makes me sick to my stomach; I'm not sure if I have the mental stamina to wait until I'm basically 30 to move out. The damage is already done to me emotionally, I'm not sure if I could make it five years!
People tell me to not let things get me down, but words are cheap. I feel like I've screwed myself over; I didn't know what to do after high school, and basically waltzed into college without an idea or end game. Five years later and about $29,000 in debt, I struggled to even find a contract temp job! It all frustrated me. And when I thought things were going to get better when I bought my Silverado in late 2015- this naive idea that in 2 years, I'd be in much better financial shape has since blown up in my life. I'm skidding along the runway, unable to gain lift.
All the stress just makes me want to be alone. But I can't afford being alone~
Quarter-Century
Posted 8 years agoTwenty-Five years ago, at 9:12AM on a rainy Sunday morning, the world changed with my arrival. (It's still debated if that's a good or bad thing!)
To me, my 25th birthday feels like a huge milestone. A quarter-century old~ The last time I felt this kind of "milestone" was when I had turned 16, realizing then that in just four years, I'd be 20 and out of high school. Oh those halcyon days.
In my stories, Rob and Jake Barion turn 35. Born on Monday, July 26, 1982, Jake was born first at 8:29AM, and Rob following at 8:39AM in the morning.
Let's celebrate~
To me, my 25th birthday feels like a huge milestone. A quarter-century old~ The last time I felt this kind of "milestone" was when I had turned 16, realizing then that in just four years, I'd be 20 and out of high school. Oh those halcyon days.
In my stories, Rob and Jake Barion turn 35. Born on Monday, July 26, 1982, Jake was born first at 8:29AM, and Rob following at 8:39AM in the morning.
Let's celebrate~
