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General | Posted 5 years agohttps://twitter.com/xcrybabywolf
I'm active over here, for rn. I won't get rid of this acc, in case I come back...but yeah. I'm goin thru phases, wanna be over there for a bit lol.
Sorry for vanishing, if anyone cares lol
I had lost my job, had to walk out for personal reasons. Felt super bad about it for the majority of the past 2 months, my bpd esp put me into a bad place, made me feel super evil about myself, like I betrayed my friends over there for leaving. Became super suicidal, my mom put me on suicide watch, made sure I didn't gouge my eyes out like I rlly wanted to. (my self harm is weird, I always wanna do the most extreme body horror to myself.)
I hated myself so much. Nothing anyone did or said could heal me, could make me feel like less of a villain. I literally only didn't commit or self-harm bc of my mom, best friend, and cat, who all 3 need me and love me and ik they do...so.
But it was honestly one of the darkest spells I ever had, and the longest lasting too. Like, I'd still have highs where I felt better, but as soon as one lil thing was said or done that'd trigger me I'd spiral down again. I had to actually ask my family and BAN certain topics from being spoken about for awhile bc it triggered me so damn bad.
I'm better now. I have a job interview tm, will be getting paid a lot for this job too, so I'll be able to support myself, my hobbies, my friends/fam, again soon. I'm excited.
tbh, at first I sabotaged all attempts at finding a new job. I didn't think I deserved 1, I thought of how bad a person I am, and didn't wanna dissapoint anyone ever again. Didn't wanna be a failure again, hurt people. I always fucking hurt people....man.
but, my mom and sister work there as well, so I'll have their support if I get anxiety till I'm used to it and get back my normalcy.
Idk.
anyways, I also got a discord, if anyone ever wants to be friends you can add me there, dm me on twitter for it. I got the app for it on my phone, cuz it doesn't work at all on my laptop dunno why lol...so..ya...hm.
Hope the new year is good, for me and all of you out there.
I'm active over here, for rn. I won't get rid of this acc, in case I come back...but yeah. I'm goin thru phases, wanna be over there for a bit lol.
Sorry for vanishing, if anyone cares lol
I had lost my job, had to walk out for personal reasons. Felt super bad about it for the majority of the past 2 months, my bpd esp put me into a bad place, made me feel super evil about myself, like I betrayed my friends over there for leaving. Became super suicidal, my mom put me on suicide watch, made sure I didn't gouge my eyes out like I rlly wanted to. (my self harm is weird, I always wanna do the most extreme body horror to myself.)
I hated myself so much. Nothing anyone did or said could heal me, could make me feel like less of a villain. I literally only didn't commit or self-harm bc of my mom, best friend, and cat, who all 3 need me and love me and ik they do...so.
But it was honestly one of the darkest spells I ever had, and the longest lasting too. Like, I'd still have highs where I felt better, but as soon as one lil thing was said or done that'd trigger me I'd spiral down again. I had to actually ask my family and BAN certain topics from being spoken about for awhile bc it triggered me so damn bad.
I'm better now. I have a job interview tm, will be getting paid a lot for this job too, so I'll be able to support myself, my hobbies, my friends/fam, again soon. I'm excited.
tbh, at first I sabotaged all attempts at finding a new job. I didn't think I deserved 1, I thought of how bad a person I am, and didn't wanna dissapoint anyone ever again. Didn't wanna be a failure again, hurt people. I always fucking hurt people....man.
but, my mom and sister work there as well, so I'll have their support if I get anxiety till I'm used to it and get back my normalcy.
Idk.
anyways, I also got a discord, if anyone ever wants to be friends you can add me there, dm me on twitter for it. I got the app for it on my phone, cuz it doesn't work at all on my laptop dunno why lol...so..ya...hm.
Hope the new year is good, for me and all of you out there.
Complications and ADD
General | Posted 5 years agoI am still having complications from a kidney stone, as well as blockage in my colon. Im in such pain I cant work, and due to having to call out a lot I know I will probably be fired soon.
I have to to back to the dr on monday for blood work. Im so tired of IVs and blood work that alone has been making me sore and exhausted.
On top of that, I finally after years of thinking it but feeling too emberassed to say anything, talked to my dr about ADD. She said I have adult onset add, but I may have had it as a teenager given the things I told her.
Ive struggled with years with feeling like a failure because I just...cant do anything. I cant focus on art, video games, my job, anything. And often times I feel the need to just constantly start over bc "this time Ill finish it all the way thru and complete all my goals".
Yeah no.
I often feel so overwhelmed with stuff I want or need to do that I completely shut down and wont do anything at all. Then I feel extremely depressed bc I didnt do anything and am a failure as a human being. If I cant even do my damn hobbies how am I gonna live a meaningful life. Whats the point.
I also suffer other stuff that goes along with it but this is my main issue Ive had for years.
I never wanted to talk about it tho bc of the stigma it has...and its weird bc I have always been open about mental health.
I have anxiety, depression, and BPD
My BPD gets so bad sometimes that only one person can bring me down from a "switch".
Its part of who I am and over the years I have honed myself to be a better person and overcome such obstacles.
But for some reason the ADD thing just...eeeh... I guess thanks to society and how they talk about, felt like an excuse for me being a failure and a loser.
But I know Im capable of great things deep down.
So yeah. I havent been prescribed anything yet, they are discussing about it still bc apparently insurances are stubborn about things relating to ADD when youre an adult...but Im sure Ill hear more when I get my bloodwork done Monday.
Everything is so stressful and fucked up right now...and if I lose my job idk what Ill do with myself esp since we are about to have another lockdown in my state...but mom says maybe itll be for the best so I can get everything sorted out. I still dont wanna lose my job though lol.
I guess we will see.
I have to to back to the dr on monday for blood work. Im so tired of IVs and blood work that alone has been making me sore and exhausted.
On top of that, I finally after years of thinking it but feeling too emberassed to say anything, talked to my dr about ADD. She said I have adult onset add, but I may have had it as a teenager given the things I told her.
Ive struggled with years with feeling like a failure because I just...cant do anything. I cant focus on art, video games, my job, anything. And often times I feel the need to just constantly start over bc "this time Ill finish it all the way thru and complete all my goals".
Yeah no.
I often feel so overwhelmed with stuff I want or need to do that I completely shut down and wont do anything at all. Then I feel extremely depressed bc I didnt do anything and am a failure as a human being. If I cant even do my damn hobbies how am I gonna live a meaningful life. Whats the point.
I also suffer other stuff that goes along with it but this is my main issue Ive had for years.
I never wanted to talk about it tho bc of the stigma it has...and its weird bc I have always been open about mental health.
I have anxiety, depression, and BPD
My BPD gets so bad sometimes that only one person can bring me down from a "switch".
Its part of who I am and over the years I have honed myself to be a better person and overcome such obstacles.
But for some reason the ADD thing just...eeeh... I guess thanks to society and how they talk about, felt like an excuse for me being a failure and a loser.
But I know Im capable of great things deep down.
So yeah. I havent been prescribed anything yet, they are discussing about it still bc apparently insurances are stubborn about things relating to ADD when youre an adult...but Im sure Ill hear more when I get my bloodwork done Monday.
Everything is so stressful and fucked up right now...and if I lose my job idk what Ill do with myself esp since we are about to have another lockdown in my state...but mom says maybe itll be for the best so I can get everything sorted out. I still dont wanna lose my job though lol.
I guess we will see.
Updates
General | Posted 5 years agoI made this account to try and be more active, but life has been setting me back.
I have a kidney stone, and although they said it will pass on its own it is taking forever and it hurts really bad. I am going to my regular dr today to see about getting some pain meds since regular otc isnt working at all... and possibly some time off work if Im able. Because rn as it stands Ive missed quite a bit of work over this and feel Im at risk for getting fired, and I dont think my mental health could handle being a dissapointment to my family and friends.
I am also just super depressed. IDK if its just me bc of several factors going on in life rn, or bc the stone, maybe a mix of both, but I am just totally bummed out and dont feel like even moving anymore.
Bummed out about online life as well... IDK I have mixed feelings about the internet.
When I was younger, I couldnt get enough of it. Now that Im older it feels like a chore being on here.
A part of me wants to stay on to make more friends with interests like mine, and show off my stuff... buuuut the other part of me realizes that people arent friendly anymore like they used to be, and it seems to be a lot harder to make even aquaintances nowadays.
And lets not forget about how in todays culture, one wrong differing opinion will get you doxxed and hated. Im talkin people who dont like any fun bc everythings problematic nowadays.
"I dont agree with jk rowling but I still love and watch harry potter"
"ACTUALLY HP IS V OFFENSIVE BC BLABLABLA"
Im talking stuff like that as an example lol
Idk I might just like
post any stuff I make, buy art and not rlly interact with anyone anymore. Internet culture bums me out now.
But that might just be my depression talking or my personality disorder. I may change my mind within the span of tm. Who effing knows anymore with me. I certainly dont.
I have a kidney stone, and although they said it will pass on its own it is taking forever and it hurts really bad. I am going to my regular dr today to see about getting some pain meds since regular otc isnt working at all... and possibly some time off work if Im able. Because rn as it stands Ive missed quite a bit of work over this and feel Im at risk for getting fired, and I dont think my mental health could handle being a dissapointment to my family and friends.
I am also just super depressed. IDK if its just me bc of several factors going on in life rn, or bc the stone, maybe a mix of both, but I am just totally bummed out and dont feel like even moving anymore.
Bummed out about online life as well... IDK I have mixed feelings about the internet.
When I was younger, I couldnt get enough of it. Now that Im older it feels like a chore being on here.
A part of me wants to stay on to make more friends with interests like mine, and show off my stuff... buuuut the other part of me realizes that people arent friendly anymore like they used to be, and it seems to be a lot harder to make even aquaintances nowadays.
And lets not forget about how in todays culture, one wrong differing opinion will get you doxxed and hated. Im talkin people who dont like any fun bc everythings problematic nowadays.
"I dont agree with jk rowling but I still love and watch harry potter"
"ACTUALLY HP IS V OFFENSIVE BC BLABLABLA"
Im talking stuff like that as an example lol
Idk I might just like
post any stuff I make, buy art and not rlly interact with anyone anymore. Internet culture bums me out now.
But that might just be my depression talking or my personality disorder. I may change my mind within the span of tm. Who effing knows anymore with me. I certainly dont.
