Hey guys,

I'm starting to follow everyone I know here on my primary account now, so be on the lookout for that. There will be ZERO tolerance for haters on the new account; they will be blocked and reported immediately. No exceptions.

Once I am following everyone, then the transfer of all my art and stories will begin. As an added bonus, I will be including a couple of pieces that have yet to be posted as well...so stay tuned for those!

I haven't been able to get started with transferring everything over to my new account yet, but I will start with following everyone that I am over here. In a related note, to the person who summarily blocked my new account without so much as giving me a chance to even explain myself, I have only one thing to say:

C'mon, seriously? Stuff like that is not cool; I'm not the same person that you knew and miffed you in some way before. It makes me question whether it would be worth it for me to try and make amends with you, which I have made my New Year's resolution BTW...if so, then please unblock the new account. If not, then whatever. I thought you were not that kinda person, but I have been wrong before and will admit to being wrong on this occasion.

I will say this once and only once: If you have a problem with me, then it is just that - your problem. I will try and make amends, but if you don't wanna even give me the chance, then it is your loss. I will not bend over backwards for anyone ever again unless they are very close to me.

Hey guys,

As of this moment, I will no longer be using this account. If you wanna follow me and keep up to date on the happenings in my life, then please follow lazarusotter. That is my new primary fursona and what/how I shall be addressed as from now on. The crocodile will still be around, but in a more secondary role in my character lineup...if y'all are lucky and I can get going again, then you'll see some more of him. But for the time being, I will be migrating all of my art/commissions, stories and other stuff over to the new account; it will take a while, but I'm sure you will appreciate having me around again.

And a note to all the haters out there: Do not even think about bothering me on the new account. If you do, you will be looked down upon with extreme prejudice, and then promptly executed blocked. You have been warned; I have no time or tolerance for bullshit and negativity any more.

For the rest of you, I am back. This time, for good.

~Croco

Today's the day...I have now circled the sun 32 times. Go me, I guess!

...not like anyone cares or will be able to send a gift. But if anyone did, I'd just want commissions of my girls; it doesn't have to be anything extravagant or expensive. Here are their profiles if you want information on them:

Dana: https://www.f-list.net/c/dana%20balotelli/
Chelsea: https://www.f-list.net/c/chelsea%20rosseau
Cassie: https://www.f-list.net/c/castra
Natalie: https://www.f-list.net/c/natalie%20hanlon/
Lana: https://www.f-list.net/c/lana%20snow/

I would be absolutely tickled if anyone were to do this for me. Of course, I wouldn't be disappointed if all I got were happy birthday wishes, but the thought is nice.

I think I'm gonna start utilizing my Weasyl account more now that I've been seeing and hearing about everyone heading over there. I'll be putting up all of my old commissions, provided I can find them, and with any luck I'll be getting the FURCAR racing league going on there as well. If you're interested or just want to friend me over there, I can be found here: https://www.weasyl.com/~croco

I am looking for roommates to share my room with at the con. I will be staying at the Sheraton with my mate and another fur that I have known for a long time and have room for one, maybe two more. We'll be coming in Thursday and leaving Monday, and I will be bringing in an air mattress to lay out on the floor as one of those 'just in case' deals. As it stands right now, I've got one bed slot and the air mattress; will be looking for $120 for the bed space, $80 for the air mattress, and of course these prices are for the entire weekend (Thurs.-Mon.).

The room will be fursuit-friendly, and there may be alcohol in the room. If you're a suiter who is in one of the overflows and would like to come over to the main hotel, this is your chance to do so. I can be reached here or on Twitter (@Crocosaur), and there is a post on the forums and the Facebook group as well. Thanks, and see ya guys there!

Finally...after more than four long years, I am out of Bassett and in a place that is closer to everything that I'd like to be by, and more people to be around as well. For those that don't know, I have just secured an apartment with Darius Koopa,  eddiegreen3 and  baylith, and soon to be joining us will be  dartanian. It's a 3-bedroom place with plenty of room in the bedrooms, and a decently-sized living area for a decent price. But the main thing is that it's only 10 minutes from my job and four miles instead of 45 miles and almost an hour, just to do more driving. I have a feeling that I'll soon be number 1 on my dispatchers' speed dial within the coming weeks.

---

But all is not completely well. My best friend and fur brother  pianoskunk is in a bad situation right now and needs to get back to Florida from Houston after the people he moved in with over there screwed him over royally, as well as to visit his dying grandparents one final time. He was able to find work, albeit Walmart, within a week but his roomie wouldn't let him take the car, then said he could only to not show up with it when it was time for his shift to start. And on top of that, he's giving him a week to find other arrangements. I'm guessing he's looking at about $200...but with the possibility of me having to go down to Arkansas to get dartanian within the week looming, my hands are tied. I will be posting this to  falendahand, and if you see this there, send me a note if you plan to help a brother with a rudder out. I know he has 'skunk' in his name but is really an otter.

If any of you guys out there could help me out with the otter, that would be truly awesome and make me feel a hell of a lot better.

I guess it's official now...me and  pangeawolf are no longer together. This couldn't have come at a worse time for me as it is right on the eve of MFF, not to mention I was finally starting to feel like things were going my way for a change. I just hope I don't get depressed, enraged, or a combination of both at the con when I see all the happy couples together while I (once again) try to mend the pieces of my broken heart.

I'm just about at the point of giving up...some people were just destined to never be truly happy. And it's looking more and more like I am one of those people...

Tuesday was a big and momentous day for me as I signed the lease for a new apartment in Oak Creek with Darius and  eddiegreen3. I'm gonna be a LOT closer to my job now; 4 miles from the pharmacy is a hell of a lot better than 40 miles, and I'll probably be on call at all times, so there will be more opportunities for me to bring in money. Plus I am also looking at getting a CDL soon; I think I may have finally found my calling in life, and that is as a driver. Might as well get paid a lot more for doing it than I am now.

Move in day is November 15th, so I've gotta get some things taken care of before then. Other than that, all my friends in the Milwaukee area are gonna be seeing and hearing a lot more from me in the coming months. I can't wait...I'm so freaking excited for this that I can barely contain myself!

Does anybody know someone who could do a set of couples icons for myself and  pangeawolf? I think it'd be a nice way to kick off her new account...

Yesterday, we made it official...

...me and  tymbal are now mates! We spent the day together; first at the Lincoln Park Zoo in downtown Chicago, and then after deliberating over Youtube videos, we decided to roam around the mall in her old neighborhood and have dinner at a nearby Thai restaurant.

This is beyond the scope of words for me right now. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am, and how much I've been looking forward to this day. This will go a long way in helping me get rid of the demons that plague me and be able to advance my life. But we're gonna take this one day at a time, even though we've both hinted at things we'd like to do in the future.

It's gonna be quite a ride, but I'm fastened in and ready to leave the station...

Just in case anyone hasn't heard, I am looking for a new place to live in or around the Milwaukee area. I think it's time that I looked into another place to go because while I do like the peace and quiet, my primary reason for wanting to move there is so that I can be closer to my job. Having to drive 40 miles one-way just to do more driving can really take its toll, especially on vehicles as I have been through four of them already and am plotting how to pay off the current one I have just so I can get out of it and into something new. That and I think a change of scenery would help me take my mind off of things as well.

In other news, I have been seriously pursuing a romantic interest and after seeing and being with her at the last LAFF meet, I'm thinking that it's not a matter of if we decide to go further but when. This is without a doubt the best thing that could happen to me as I have actually felt good about myself whenever I think about this person, and everything else just seems to fade around me when I'm with them as well. I will not reveal who this person is until the appropriate time comes...but I will say that it's a girl and she is a fellow fur.

All I can do now is continue to put my head down and strive to attain the things I know will make me happy. I just hope that karma will catch up to me and give me the breaks that I have been secretly (and maybe not so much as well) hoping for.

Hello everyone. It's your friendly neighborhood crocodile once again.

The past few weeks have been a trying time for me, after I was literally at Death's door, ready to knock on it. Luckily I wasn't able to go through with what I was thinking about doing and so I write these lines to set the record straight on a few things. First things first, I am physically well for the most part. I was able to get in to see and establish a primary care physician to look after me, both physically and mentally, though with a bit more focus on the latter. I have been on an anti-depressant for the past few days and that...well that's gonna take a while before we figure out if that is effective or not. They also found a secondary infection to which I was given a one-time antibiotic, but I will find out if that is gone when I go back to the doctor on the 9th. I am also seeing a therapist to talk about my issues with and get advice from about what to do and where to go from here, plus I will be seeing a psychiatrist on Friday to figure out more of what's wrong with me and to prescribe any additional medications or to keep me on the path I'm on now.

Now, onto why we're even having this conversation to begin with. I am not a perfect man, nor have I ever claimed to be. I have very raw feelings and emotions toward certain things that I will freely admit to having a difficult time in keeping under control. That in itself is enough of a reason to warrant going to therapy every so often, and it should be considered very honorable thing. And one day, I just let those feelings and emotions get in the way of my better judgment, turning what is normally a rash and level-headed individual into someone that he is not. After a lot of thought and deliberation on the matter, which I get a lot of when I'm on the open road for as long as I am, I feel like I've let a lot of people down. In a moment of weakness and vulnerability, I felt like I failed to contain myself and utilize an outlet that was more appropriate than the ones I did. And for that, I feel like I need to offer a full and sincere apology to certain people for what I did.

To my housemates - I put you guys directly in the firing line. This should have been an internal matter to sort out between us, but it quickly got out in the open. If there are any grievances in the future, come to me and discuss it one-on-one. I should have taken that course and for that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.

To those that I mentioned in the journal which was the catalyst for all of this - I acted in a moment inspired by rash madness. Whether or not what I said was true does not matter; what does is the fact that it was even brought up to begin with. While I've been thinking about everything, I've come to the conclusion that there are things that just shouldn't be brought out into an open forum. For that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.

To anyone who follows my Twitter account - this is where things really blew up. I know that I should not exposed you guys to this in the first place, and while you may think of me what you will, I should not have let it get to that point to begin with. I was manipulated into saying things that I would normally know are wrong, and I should have shut the door right then and there to avoid escalating things further. For that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions.

And finally, there are two people that I would like to single out...two people that hold a significant place in my life and being. To  prismalin, I would like to say that if I would have known that the dissolution of your relationship with  tombeckett was a mutual one to begin with, then I would never had gone after  sledmetodeath the way I did or harbored any of the feelings that I had. I might've even been tempted to strike up a dialogue with him as well. But I let my feelings for you get in the way of that...and as for what I said over Twitter, that was not the real me. I am a calm and mellow individual regularly who would not wish harm on a spider. And a lot of people find spiders to be creepy, so that should say something.

The other person I would like to single out right now is  kuroryushin-kuma. Ever since you entered my life, I have held an affinity to you that I rarely hold for anyone. You have to be a very, VERY special person for me to hold such feelings for someone the way I held them for you, and I feel like I let you down more than anyone. If I would have jumped off that bridge and taken my life, how would that make you feel? The fact that I acted in such a way toward you and your mate is what eats at me the most. I will hold back my true feelings as this is neither the time or place for that, but know that I feel the worst for you.

For that, I am sorry to all of you and will take responsibility for my actions. I just hope that you will see me for the good that I am and the good I can bring, and not just for the moment of madness that consumed me.

And to anyone else who is reading this, I wish to apologize to you as well. I feel like I have let you all down for letting myself go like this. I could have been a better person and a better friend and because of that, I am sorry and will take responsibility for my actions. Again, don't judge me for this one ugly blemish, but know that I am working to improve myself to make sure that moments like that are to never happen again.

---

Now just because I have given my full and sincere apologies to everyone for my actions, doesn't mean that I will not be expecting the same from certain people. I will be waiting to hear from those who had a role in antagonizing me to the point where I felt the need to end my own life. I have taken responsibility for what I have contributed to this mess, and now I will expect the same from them...and as such, I will be lifting any and all blocks that I have put in place. But I will not tolerate any harassment, smearing or any attempts to further stoke the situation. We are all mature individuals here, and I am serious about moving ahead in my life and putting this ugly chapter behind us all.

Having said that, I love you all who have supported me during this hard and trying time. I know that I can get through this together, one step at a time.


to all.

Stolen from  toxicwolfy!


001. Real name: Jason
002. Nickname[s]: Jay, Croco, Croc, Gator
003. Zodiac Sign: Taurus
004. Male Or Female: Boy
005. Elementary School: A bunch
006. Middle School: Abbott
007. High School: South Lake (ugh)
008. Hair Color: Light brown
009. Long Or Short: Shortish
010. Loud Or Quiet: Quiet
011. Sweats Or Jeans: Jeans
012. Phone Or Camera: Phone
013. Health Freak: Not as much as I should
014. Drink Or Smoke: Drink, but socially
015. Do You Have a Crush on Someone?: YES.
016. Political orientation: Progressive/Liberal
018. Tattoos: None...yet.

HAVE YOU EVER [BEEN IN]:
019. Airplane : Yes
020. Car Accident: Yes
021. Fist Fight : Don't remember
\
FIRSTS:
022. First piercing: Left ear
023: First Best Friend: Don't remember
024. First Instrument played: Clarinet
025. First award: Something when I was little
026. First Crush: Have to think when it was...
027. First Language: English
028. First Big Vacation: Probably to visit my grandpa and uncle in Tennessee
029. Last Person you talked to: My sister
030. Last Person You Texted:  darkmask
031. Last Person You Watched: Don't remember
032. Last Ate: Pasta with spicy sauce and sausage
033. Last Movie You Watched: Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2
034. Last Song You listened To: Whatever was playing on Octane when I got out of my car last
035. Last Thing You Bought: Breakfast
036. Last Person You Hugged: Darius

FAVES:
037. Food: Sushi
038. Drinks: Baja Blast
039. Clothing: The hockey jerseys I wear with my fursuit
040. Books: Not much of a reader...
041. Colors: Green and blue
042. Flowers: ...???
043: Music : Mostly rock - hard rock, metal, alternative
044. Movies : Any of the Austin Powers movies, Ace Ventura Pet Detective--I'm sure I'll think of some more...
045. Shoes : Anything that is comfortable, especially trail shoes.
046. Subjects: English, PE

IN THE PAST YEAR I ... : "X" is for "yes"
047. [ ] Kissed in the rain
048. [ ] Celebrated Halloween:
049. [XXX] Had Your Heart Broken
050. [-] Went Over The Minutes On Your Cell Phone. (Only if data counts...)
051. [ ] Someone Questioned Your Sexual Orientation
052. [ ] Came Outta The Closet
053. [ ] Gotten Pregnant.
054. [ ] Had An Abortion.
055. [X] Done Something You've Regretted
056. [ ] Broke A Promise
057. [X] Kept A Secret
058. [X] Pretended To Be Happy
059. [ ] Met Someone Who Changed Your Life:
060. [X] Pretended To Be Sick
061. [ ] Left The Country
062. [ ] Tried something you normally wouldn't like, and liked it.
063. [X] Cried Over The Silliest Thing
064. [ ] Ran A Mile
065. [ ] Went To The Beach
066. [X] Stayed Single

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating: Nothing now
068. Drinking: Mello Yello
069. Getting Ready To: Take a nap before going in to work
070. Listening To: Nothing ATM
071. Plans For Tomorrow/Today: Making phone calls

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want Kids: Yes
074. Want To Get Married: YES.
075. Careers in mind : Not sure, though I can see myself as a trucker.

WHICH IS BETTER ON A BOY/GIRL:
076. Lips Or Eyes: Eyes
077. Shorter Or Taller: Shorter
078. Romantic Or Spontaneous: Romantic
079. Nice Stomach Or Nice Arms: Stomach. Hey, I like big girls...
080. Sensitive Or Loud: Sensitive
081. Hookup Or Relationship: Relationship
082. Troublemaker Or Hesitant : Troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost Glasses/Contacts: Yes
084. Ran Away From Home: No
085. Held A Weapon, For Self Defense: No
086. Killed Somebody: Oh God, do I want to... *growl*
087. Broken Someone's Heart: If I did, it wasn't on purpose
088. Been Arrested: No

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself: No, not really
091. Miracles: Not until I get one myself
092. Love At First Sight: I did, but not anymore
093. Heaven: Yep
094. Santa Claus: Oh, hell yes.
095. Hell: Not really
096. Magic: Meh...

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is There One Person You Wanna Be With, Right Now: There are many people whom I wanna be with now.
098. Are You Seriously Happy With Where You Are,: No, and I wanna change it.
099. Do You Believe In God: I believe in God, but I think religion is bullshit.
100. Post As 100 Truths And Tag five people: ...or else the bunny gets it?


Of course, if there's anything you wanna ask me that's not included here, go ahead and ask it anyway.

Hello everyone,

I'm sure many of you have heard about the recent ordeal that I have been through. I figured that it would be best if I told you myself what happened.

Last Thursday night, I put up a journal that was critical of a few people and was called out on it. Fair enough, as this wasn't the first time that I've done such a thing. But this was the first time that certain people wouldn't stop insulting and tormenting me over it to the point where I couldn't take it anymore...to the point where I couldn't face myself, let alone anyone else. So I got in my car and got myself out of there as quickly as I could.

It wasn't long after that where I was pulled over on the side of the road, looking at a 50-foot bridge and considering taking one final leap to end it all...

I was picked up and taken to a psychiatric care facility, where they made sure that I was okay. They took real good care of me over there, but it felt like a nightmare as I really couldn't adjust to being in such a place. Sure the people there were nice, but at the same time having to do everything on a set schedule was something I couldn't really get used to. Furthermore, I had another minor breakdown on Friday night and was given a couple anti-depressants, one which was also a 'sleep-aid' from what the nurse told me. I took it around 10:00 that night...and I don't think I was back to my regular self until dinnertime the next day, which was around 6:00. I made mention of that to the psychiatrist I spoke with yesterday, seeing as how I'm a medical delivery driver and I need to be focused and alert while on the road; later I found out from a source that I COULD have taken one of them, provided I was careful about when I took them.

Needless to say, I am home and in good enough spirits at least. But I hope I never have to experience that again. I know what I have to do, and in a way I think the experience has helped me to realize something...that I shouldn't let others dictate for me what I can and cannot do. But I know that it's only going to get worse from here on out before it can get better. Still, I know my path and I know that with a little help and a little more fortitude, I should be able to make it in the end.

...and aside from family and maybe the guys I live with, I'm not expecting much in the way of material items. And I don't really mind too much, as I'm at my mom's house right now visiting her for the weekend. Of course, that also has to do with it being Mother's Day weekend as well, but this was something that I had planned since I was unable to make it out for MCFC. But I think the fact that I've managed to survive yet another year in this world is enough of a present in itself.

I could ask you guys to send me stuff, or try and commission your favorite artists to do pieces with my characters somehow involved in them. But again, I don't require it. Just the fact that all of you are in my life is enough of a gift for me.

There is, however, one thing that I would like for my birthday that would make me complete and make this the best birthday ever. Those that know me the best will know what this is...

Yes, it is that time of the year again...it's now officially May, and as such I get to celebrate the day that I was thrown out into this crazy world and be relieved that I made it through one more year without ending up dead. That's all it's become to me...I think I've finally reached the point where I've given up on looking forward to birthdays now and just look at it as what little bit that's left of my youth fading away. I'll be 31 on the 12th, but I feel like I'm going on 50 because I feel like crap. Which leads me to want to say that I wouldn't not be insulted if someone got me a gym membership for my birthday; in fact, I'd say that I'd practically beg for one right about now. I've been talking about it and wanting to do it for so long, but something happens that forces me to spend money that I don't have to spend and it goes by the wayside. And I become an even bigger fattydile.

That was my first gripe; though Paypal gifts and commssions of your characters with mine are always acceptable. And that leads us into my second gripe: I don't get why us writers don't get the respect we probably deserve here on FA. I've been doing a fair amount of writing lately, most of it involving cyberpunk themes centered around a random character I created with  hoomiku one night. So I wrote a story based loosely in the Shadowrun universe, as I have played the tabletop game before and actually enjoyed it, hoping to get something going with it. The story can be found here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13100096/

Just two days prior, I put up a picture I captured on my phone of a drawn art commission here that I got at FWA from  iggi of my skunk girl wearing nothing but an apron and making of a pot of something, presumably gumbo. Two days apart...and the drawn piece literally has ten times as many views in that one month stretch as the written piece, and the faves (28-0) and comments (7-0) are not even close. I feel kinda disrespected in that I can put up something that I commissioned and have it get a lot more views and attention than something that I've busted my ass and put a lot of thought and brainpower into. I enjoy getting feedback on my writings, and I need that feedback and criticism to help me work on my style and structure so I can improve my skills.

One day, I would like to be able to take story commissions myself. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to if I cannot get the confidence from positive feedback, and the advice from constructive criticism to be able to do so. Just because I don't draw pictures of penis doesn't mean my work should be ignored.

---

And that's enough of my bitching for now. Hope at least some of you take it to heart, but I'm not expecting it.

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state. I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but it's too late.

---

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I've held my tongue for so long, and I've restrained myself for so long. But I think I'm finally teetering on the breaking point and I'm just about at that juncture where if someone says or does the wrong thing, I'm finally gonna snap. It shouldn't have come this far.

But I am sick and fucking tired of being alone in this world, while the lowest forms of scum in the world can lay claim to someone. Especially those whom I find desirable to some form or another, whether it's by appearance or by a common interest, or maybe just because they can somehow make me smile for two whole seconds and forget about the pain and agony that has overwhelmed me. I'm not asking for much here...just for someone whom I can talk and maybe try and relate to, and love me as much I will love her at the same time. How difficult is that? And yet if you were gauging that by watching me, you would think that it is impossible. Then to add further insult to injury, I can reel off five people off the top of my head that I have serious interest in who are taken and hoarded by guys who have qualities that make me want to vomit. I'm not gonna call names here just yet, but if you wanna take a stab at just who I'm talking about, that's perfectly fine with me.

The first one is just plain creepy. The next one is a stray and a beggar who just happened to stumble across someone with a good heart...which was meant for me. Then there's the cheater, for whom it is well known that they fucked around on another mate of theirs at a past con. Next is the homewrecker, who destroyed the marriage of someone whom I consider to be everything I want in a girl just to take them for their own. And finally, there's the master manipulator, who can keep someone on the end of a string and just fling them back and forth like a yo-yo. If that doesn't make your head spin, then consider the fact that three of the victims of these types are ones that I know personally and still (for now) have a fond place in what's left of my heart for; one even promised me that if things fell apart between me and my ex-fiancee, she would be there for me. The other two are just awesome and would like to get to know better, and all of them would make for a very fine mate for me.

And every night I have to come home and look at my empty bed, it just makes me grow colder inside. I try my damndest to help my friends out when they are in similar situations or need advice because I would rather not see them become me. If I could ever find a way out of this, it would be a miracle. But having someone to be there and try to help me mend the pieces of my broken heart would be a big step in the right direction. I just hope I don't go mad before then.

I know this is a little late, since a lot of you are already at BLFC, but I got to go to FWA last weekend. And as always, I had quite the weekend.

You're probably thinking where the drama comes in. It wasn't that I was riding down with  jhusky,  dannyopolous and Mizu, aka  aht1991, who were a blast to be able to ride down there with. It all started when the rental company turned me down after I had ALREADY paid for the car I was supposed to rent because they decided to do a credit check on my for paying with a debit card. Whatever, I suppose...as much as I didn't want to, I ended up taking my car along with. And it's probably a good thing because on our way down through Indiana, we ended up hitting a deer. The damn thing started off as if it was heading in the other direction, but then turned and ran right into the front end of my car at the last second, causing about $3,800 worth of body damaga. At least we were still able to make it to the con.

And boy, what a con it was! My room was on the 61st floor at the Westin and sharing it with Spuds,  raptorred and  hoomiku was a nice experience. Got a bunch of stuff; though it was just a t-shirt, a couple of badges and a sketchbook commission, I felt as if I made out like a bandit. And though I didn't get to go in the pool at all, it was nice to be able to go out and enjoy what downtown Atlanta has to offer...specifically the restaurants around the hotel. The highlight of my weekend in that regard was being able to take  hoomiku and  pianoskunk out to Fire of Brazil and not have to worry about the tab. And Oh. My. God. I tell people that it is worth it just for all the meat that they offer you, and it is all so good! I think I'll see about giving the Brazilian steakhouse down by MFF a shot this year; just need to put aside money for that.

Antero didn't get out as much as I wanted him to, though I did have him out for the parade...complete with an actual replica bronze medal from this year's Olympics. I was half-expecting to get a lot of flak for having it after Finland demolished us, and being all excited and bouncy and jumpy (look at any parade vids you might see on Youtube), but only one person in a Carolina Hurricanes jersey gave me shit over it. I made sure to find him, give him a hug and told him that he made my day after that because it meant he knew and loves hockey enough to care. If only I could find him and watch him as well...

But the highlight of my weekend had to be going to the Georgia Aquarium on Sunday. Was a little more pricey than I first thought it would be, but it was well worth it to walk through one of the biggest aquariums in the entire world. Being able to see whale sharks and manta rays in an aquarium was awesome, not to mention some of the other highlights of the outings...such as the beluga whales, sea otters, the big tropical reef tank, and the albino alligators. The dolphin show was spectacular, if not a little tacky, but it would've been nice if it wasn't a completely separate thing. Though if I do decide to hit the aquarium next year, I might set aside a little more and see about getting a date with the otters or dolphins...at $60 and $65 respectively, it might actually be worth it. I should have some pictures up soon.

And now, the awesome furs that I got to hang out and work with to make my weekend a memorable one:
: - And of course, everybody in the FWA chat on Skype who hyped up the con for me; there's just too damn many of you to list! If I missed you, you're still awesome anyway!

I really hope to make it back next year, though the new date kinda makes it tricky as it is up against Motor City Fur Con, and I wanna do BLFC as well. Here's to hoping that no matter what I choose, it is just as awesome either way!

Today, I would like to take a moment to step back and remember someone who was...I don't know if it would be right or not to say he was close to me or not. But he was someone that was a sweet and caring individual who had confidence in himself and in his relationships with other people. He might not have been the best person in the world; God only knows that he felt like he wasn't the prettiest or most charming, and he definitely stumbled over himself while trying to say what was on his mind at times. But what he said was genuine and true, and if you were to put your faith in him, then he would not let you down. He was loyal to those he considered his friends, and even moreso to those he considered his lovers...and he was quite the ladies' man too. Again, he wasn't the most handsome or most charming fella around, but he was true and honest...and not to mention he had other attributes to make up for it as well, but we're not gonna get into that. It seemed like this guy was heading in the right direction after conquering a good number of his personal demons.

And then it all changed in the blink of an eye,..it was like his very soul had died, leaving just a shell behind that still roams aimlessly today.

If you knew him then, I don't know if you would know him now. What came naturally for him has now become a struggle, and the very things that were his saving graces have now turned on him. He is still loyal to those he is close to, but more and more they have turned on him. He now sees the world and the people, especially those in the very community that he once credited for saving his sanity and even his very life, with contempt. He's still not the best looking guy in the world, but what little charm he had before has now vanished completely. In his quest to find what he has lost, he has turned into someone that is cold; you wouldn't be able to tell it from the outside as he tries to at least keep a facade of his old self. But deep inside, the pain and agony of that day and his failures to return to that state in which he was truly happy has left him numb. He wishes he could just let it out...to be able to just duck away somewhere and cry, his tears washing away some of the scars that afflict him. But he is unable to, and that cold, piercing feeling still courses through him.

That was even before the one who struck the greatest blow to him came along...the one who eventually came and took his very heart and soul. He loved her, wanted her, and was willing to give his very life for her. . .even if it was by his own hand. . .just so she could neglect him, demean him and cast him away when he needed her the most. Even when they were together, she never loved him even half as much as he loved her, and yet when she was rid of him, she loved her next lovers who were far inferior to him much more than he had done for her. Her lovers after him included a couple guys who lived a half a world away, someone who would end up cheating on her to get back with an ex...and the worst of all, the one who would take her away from him for good by manipulating her into only believing what he wanted her to, and then abandoning her when he couldn't handle her living with him any more.

It's no wonder the poor guy had turned heartless...or at least his heart had turned black. I remember how he drove 16 hours to get her and bring her back home, even enduring a flat tire on a Sunday evening and the ridicule of the one former lover of his that did the same things her current one has done. I remember how he was the only one to stand up for her when the other people they were living with wanted to throw her on the street because of some petty bullshit because he believed that she was better than that. And he won. And I also remember how devastated he was when he finally had to give up on her...or at least when he thought he could. It was only when he realized that she had been abandoned that he decided to take up the fight again.

You're probably wondering how I know so much about this poor, forlorn soul to be able to tell you about his life.,,

...you know these things and the impact that they've had when you've had to live them. Yes...I know what you're thinking and it is indeed true.

It was three years ago today that my soul died...all because I felt like the one who would eventually crush my heart and what little pieces of my soul I had left deserved better than what she had. And I am still looking to get it back.

---

: 5/12/1983 - 3/11/2011

Stolen from  jeani!


Where are you staying?
I will be at the Westin!

What day are you getting there?
Thursday, hopefully in the afternoon.

What day are you leaving?
Monday.

Where will you be most of the time during the day/s?
Either gallivanting in my fursuit, hanging with friends, chillin' by the pool, or [REDACTED]

Who will you be rooming with?
, a G-shep and coyote whose names escape me right now.

Do you do free art?
Can't draw to save my life...but I would like it!

Do you do trades?
Nope.

Do you do commissions?
Nope.

Do you have prints/ CDs?
Again, nope.

Do you do badges?
ARRRGGGHHH!!!

What is your gender?
XY

How old are you?
30

Sexual Preference?
Aside from a couple of notable exceptions, women only.

Are you taken?
No, so hit me with your worst!

Do you have a fur suit?
Yes!

How many fursuits do you have?
One. His name is Antero Ansikorpi and he is a wolf.

Can I touch you?
GET AWAY YOU FREAKS!!!

I kid...don't mind hugs, but more and you'd have to fit in with my preferences.

Can I talk to you?
Sure!

Can we hang out?
Sure, why not? I don't mind!

Can I look in your sketchbook?
Uhh...my barren sketchbook? You sure about that?

Can I draw in your sketchbook?
YES! Feel free to doodle away if you're inclined!

Can I buy you a drink?
Maybe...depends on how much I like you.

Can I take your picture?
Yes, but only in suit. Or if I'm drunk and doing something stupid, in which case I'd gladly laugh at myself.

Can I come up to your room?
Uhh...I dunno...foxeh? Only if I invite you up and it's cool with everyone else.

Attending Parties?
HELL TO THE YEAH!

I wanna party my ass off, drink, have fun...get tail...

Do you drink?
Yes. And if you make me a drink, I'll try it to see if I like it.

Do you smoke?
Just hookah, and only with people I know.

How can I find you?
I will have a shitton of badges on...or you can find the wolf with the Finland hockey jersey on.

Do you dance?
Only when I'm drunk and in suit.

Can I give you stuff?
If you did, I would love you forever!

Can I kidnap you for *censored*
Only if you're a lady and you plan to make it worth my while.

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc.?
Sure! I'm always looking for furs to dine out with...means we get to chat and have fun!

Attending any panels?
Maybe...depends on what kinda panels there are.

Are you nice?
I try to be. But if you're a dick/bitch/cunt/etc., don't expect me to be too nice in return.

How do I identify myself to you?
Croco, Croc...I answer to "Gator", "Handbag", "Stud", "Sexy", or just "Hey you!" In suit, I will only answer to Antero, or maybe "Wuffy".

And whatever you do, DO NOT call him a husky, or it will be your ass...

Who will you be hanging out with?
Probably , especially if there's CAH game going on. If not, then I'm gonna try and find my friends from the LAFF group and maybe some of my old buddies down in Florida. You know who you are...and if a certain dragon wants to let bygones be bygones and forget about past misdeeds, I will gladly forgive you.

Why are you attending FWA?
Mostly because it's the only chance I'll get to hang out with unless I somehow make it down to where he lives in Louisiana. But hey...it's a fur con. There's furs, fun...tail...and hopefully a time waiting to be had that I won't forget soon!

Stolen from  blisk


1: Do you have a crush at the moment?
- Quite a few

2: Have you ever been deeply in love?
- Yes, and still am

3: Longest relationship you've ever been in?
- About 5 years

4: Have you ever changed for someone?
- No, but I would if it meant solidifying a relationship

5: How is your relationship with your ex?
- I feel like I get along with my exs. Except for one at the moment.

6: Have you ever been cheated on?
- Yes, and she did it with my worst enemy too.

7: Have you ever cheated?
- I plea the 5th on that one...

8: Would you date someone who's well known for cheating?
- I'm always willing to give someone a chance.

9: What's the most important part of a relationship?
- Trust, and communication

10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
- I want a serious relationship, but have been getting just flings.

11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?
- I think a "break" is just a euphenism for breaking up; did that with one ex of mine.

12: How many people have you ever hooked up with?
- Depends on what you mean by "hooked up".

13: What's one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship?
- Not telling someone to choose between me and someone else

14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?
- Not so much an age thing as it is a maturity thing in my eyes.

15: Do you believe in the phrase "age is just a number"?
- Yes.

16: Do you believe in "love at first sight"?
- I used to. But not so much any more...

17: Do you believe it's possible to fall in love on the internet?
- Yeah, it's possible. But there's no substitute for real interactions.

18: What do you consider a deal breaker?
- Not accepting me for who I am, and expecting perfection from me.

19: How do you know it's time to end a relationship?
- When both partners don't care about the other.

20: Are you currently in a relationship?
- No. :'(

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?
- Yes, very much so.

22: Do you think people should date their friends?
- I don't see why not? If you like someone as a friend, then who's to say that you can't be their lover as well.

23: How many relationships have you had?
- 5. Okay, 6...and I know all their names as well.

24: Do you think love can last forever?
- Again, I used to. . .if there was someone that could show me that it's possible, I'd like to see.

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things?
- Of course.

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn't approve of?
- I don't see why my parents (specifically mom) would object to me dating someone...

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be?
- You'll get it eventually, but it shouldn't be just about the sex and intimacy. I know communicating your feelings is hard for you, but you should be a man and say how you feel, no matter if it hurts you or her or both of you.

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work?
- Had one, and they can only work under the right circumstances. But they eventually dissolve because you both want the other and cannot handle being so far apart.

29: What do you notice first about another person?
- I notice their eyes and how they look at me, then how their demeanor and how they view other people.

30: Are you straight, bi, gay or pansexual?
- I think I'm pansexual, but will only date women. I had one relationship with a guy and while I care about him a lot, he and I just weren't compatible for dating.

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness?
- I suffer from a mental illness, so of course not.

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?
- Abusive, no. . .controlling? My last one was.

33: Do you want to get married one day?
- I'd love to! But it would have to be with the right woman.

34: What do you think about getting your partner's name tattooed?
- Naw...too much pressure to keep it going!

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex?
- Nope. I feel that sex and intimacy is just as an important part of any relationship as anything else.

36: Are you still a virgin?
- Last I checked, no.

37: What's more important: Looks or personality?
- Definitely personality. Looks are a bonus, but if you're a stunner with an appalling personality, then there's plenty more of you out there.

38: Do you enjoy love films?
- Nah, too mushy and overdone.

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses?
- No, and no.

40: Have you ever had a valentine?
- Yeah, but she took my heart, threw it on the ground and crushed it.

41: What's your imagination of a "perfect date"?
- Uhh. . .lemme get back with you on that one.

42: Have you ever read "Romeo & Juliet"?
- No, and the movie was shit.

43: What's more important: Your partner or your friends?
- My partner--oh wait, I don't have one.

44: Would you consider yourself "romantic"?
- Very much so.

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends?
- Maybe...if they all didn't have boyfriends already.

46: Have you ever been "friend-zoned"?
- Far too often to count; to me, "friend-zone" means you don't want me, even as a friend.

47: Which "famous couple" is your favorite?
- Huh? Or how about I throw an obscure one out there...Ricky Stenhouse and Danica Patrick. Let's just say those two give us a whole new definition of the term "speed dating."

48: What's your favorite love song?
- None at the moment. All they do is make me want to cry.

49: Have you ever broken someone's heart?
- I think I did to my first girlfriend...but I had no other choice.

50: If you're single, why do you think you are?
- I don't think there's enough room here to list every one of them. But they all fall under either lack of confidence, unattractive, or I'm just doomed to a life of loneliness.

51: Would you rather date someone who's rich but a douchebag or someone who's poor but a nice guy?
- Rich and a bitch or poor but nice? I'd settle for someone in the middle, but would rather have poor and nice if just between the two.

52: Are you good at giving other people advice regarding dating/ relationships?
- I am, even though I couldn't get one to save my life. Or humanity if it came to it.

53: Are you jealous of couples when you're single?
- ...
.....
*growl*

54: How important is it to make a relationship official (p.e. on facebook)?
- Very much so; that way everyone I know knows that I finally have someone!

55: Would you consider yourself "clingy", "overly attached" or "jealous"?
- Clingy? No. Overly attached? Probably. Jealous? Again, I plea the 5th.

56: Have you ever "destroyed" a relationship?
- No, but I want to. Ask at your own peril.

57: Do you think it's silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart?
- No. I've done it before and I've done it recently.

58: Are you the "dominant" or the "submissive" part in a relationship?
- I am the dominant.

59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partner's birthday or your anniversary?
- Not sure if I have...

60: What's your opinion on open relationships?
- If you can make it work, then more power to ya. But I don't think I will be pursuing one anytime soon.

61: Who's more important: Your partner or your family?
- Partner, but only because I know my family will always have my back.

62: How do you define "cheating"?
- Doing ANYTHING intimate with ANYONE that the other partner disapproves of. This also includes master/pet "relationships" as well.

63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate?
- Not really, though it would be nice.

64: Do you think Valentine's Day is overrated?
- I don't give a FUCK about Valentine's Day.

65: Would you consider yourself a "cuddler"?
- Oh God, yes! Love the cuddles.

66: Do you feel making meals for one another is important?
- I like to cook, so it's somewhat important. It'd be better if both partners were good in the kitchen.

67: When you are scared, do you go to your partner first?
- If I had a partner to go to, I would. Though they wouldn't be the only one I'd go to.

68: Do you think you have a good understanding of one another?
- The only understanding I have is that women are cruel, and there's only a handful of guys I would think to even consider.

69: Do you like to buy things for your partner when you are in a relationship?
- If I could, I would.

70: Sexy bedroom clothes?
- Maybe...if the mood allows it!

So you read the last journal that I put up in which I said I had something terrible happen to me? Well let me tell you a tale about this girl I once dated...a real sweetheart if you ask me. But what she did set off a spiral that has affected the quality of my life for the past year and a half.

...

It all started with the rat. Those that follow me know who I'm talking about, but those two started talking; it was innocent enough as they're both really into MLP. Whatever...and then he decides that he wants to take her as his pet. Me, as her mate at the time, said no way and no how because that's what a good mate does. And she may have hounded me about my roleplaying habits to the point where we needed to have an intervention, but I could see past her flaws and see that she was wonderful. I was good to her, and she was good to me...or so I thought. I said no. She then pressures our roommates to force me to accept her as this guy's pet, even though the only time I ever wanna lay a hand on him would be if I was bashing his fucking skull in.

What I should've done is told her that it's either me or him, and that if she chose him then GTFO. But I decided to let her have her fun, thinking it wouldn't be a thing for too long...which proved two things. One, I was a lot more naive about the situation than I should have been because open or not, that's cheating. And two, she wasn't as committed to the relationship as I was, and now the gloves were off. If that doesn't happen, then what happened at FCN doesn't happen, and then the incident at AC (or what little I remember of it) doesn't happen either. Would we still be together? Probably not, but at least the separation would have been a lot more amiable instead of her flying off the handle over shit I did not honestly remember.

But I still loved her, and I couldn't stand to think of somebody else with her.

We still had our moments together, and she still cared enough about me to not let go entirely. The next couple guys she was interested in turned out to be real winners, with two of them being all the way in Australia and the other unceremoniously dumping her for his ex at FWA; I'm not entirely sure of how that all went down, so don't hold me to it. And then she started talking to this other guy. . .and it was like he had her under a spell. She started pushing me away bit by bit, even though I still loved her. She started turning everyone in the house onto this guy, and subsequently against me for being able to see through all of this. And then...well, I'll get into that later.

But at that point, she wanted nothing more to do with me. It got to the point where I wanted to kill myself, and legitimately tried to. The day came when she moved out...and I actually got to meet this dude, who turned out to be all right at first shake. I could feel a lot better about actually letting go. And I did. I was feeling better about it...but that didn't take away the pain of what happened to set all of this into motion. Yes, I did some things that led up to this...do I regret any of them? You're fuckin-A right I do...do I lose sleep over thinking about how I could've done things differently? You'd better believe it.

But did I deserve to be treated the way I did? Maybe...but at the same time, all I wanted was a second chance with her. She gave that to the Australian guys--both of them; the other guy didn't deserve it and it's likely something that we would both agree on.

So I'm just going through my journals and posts and what not, and I see she has left a journal up saying that she was back living with her mother...the same place that I drove seven hours to one-way and endure a flat tire as well as the ridicule of both her mother and her abusive scumbag husband (whom she was forced to marry at the price of not being thrown out onto the street) to rescue her from.

And that got my blood boiling for one reason, and one reason only: He abandoned her. I don't give a damn what the circumstances were, he abandoned her. Something I would never even fathom doing to a mate unless they gave me a damn good reason to...and even then, I believe in second chances. But seeing that has given me a feeling of vindication for my own faults. I know I fucked up and I know I have to live with it every day.

But I actually don't seem to mind or care right now...and you're thinking "Geez, you've put so much effort into this and now you don't care?" I don't want her back. Not until she admits to her cheating on me with someone I consider a sworn enemy; I know I shouldn't hold grudges, but this is personal. This guy wrecked a chance I had with one girl, and has corrupted another one of my ex's to think that he's not a bad guy when in fact he is. And if she didn't bow to him, then none of the drama that happened throughout that year would happened. The drama with jesie? We'd still be at least on talking terms...the drama with daniskunk? Never would've happened; I would've told her to go have fun in Australia and take lots of pictures while visiting the guy she was interested in at the time.

Now? I don't know if it's worth fighting back any more...everybody tells me about how I'm this awesome guy and all. I don't see it. People tell me that anyone would be lucky to have me as their mate...really? Then why isn't anyone jumping at the bit to get after me? But the fact of the matter is no matter how much I try to forget about her or lose any thought of her, I. Can. Not.

I don't know what else to do. In light of some more information I've gotten, I wish I couldn't say that I saw this coming. But I would be lying to myself and to everyone that would be reading this. I cannot hide how I feel any more. I still fucking love her. I still want her.

But at the same time, I don't want to be hurt any more...even if it means forgoing that second chance with her that I've been fighting so hard to get. The experiences that I've had has shaken me to the core. But y'know what they say. . .once you've hit rock bottom, there's only one place to go from there.

I think it's time that we got going...

...I really need someone to snuggle up with over these next couple nights. I really wish I had someone...

...I had someone. And then they did something terrible to me, which I will reveal tomorrow. There's a reason why I will reveal this tomorrow...