so after countless hours trying to find the damn program what blasted my computer to smitharines, i formatted the drive and started back from scratch... unfortunately, this mixed with the countless hours my teachers have been making me uphold for homework time, i had no chance to start the chibis... no comp simply means i had no way to reference so many fursonas and draw anything... hell, ive been in a depresive mood lately due to even more family drama, so i have art block...

sorry all...

I can't trust anyone in my family, or at school, people in general here just... Idk anymore, I just turned my bro down for driveing him and his friend to his friends house because I know I'll be asleep... All he had to say was "when you need something done, anything at all, the answer is going to be no"... I just want to huddle in a corner and never be heard from again... I can't trust anyone who I think can be a good person... People here may be diffrent but the only diffrence is the safety of the comp screen/itouch screen...

Well, I was on animefreak.tv just 15-20 min ago, suddenly I revive a message stateing I have a virus, I also notice it is not a macafee popup. It takes it upon itself to load anyways, and it started it's download. I've seen this damn virus before, and if my macafee can't catch it, I'm going to have to reboot my comp completely. I'm typeing this on my itouch, and my comp is scanning on safe mode. 77% and nothing found.... God I hate hackers... The program is Wt Cst Ckynhysosvn, and under it says "privacy portection". I've never downloaded the thing in my life and macafee would turn off any real protecters to override them safely, telling you if you need to shut off any manualy. I've searched my whole comp and I can't find this single file.... -sighs- when I hav one nice thing, another must me lost.... Every time...

im still not top form yet, because there is still alot of crap going on right now in my house, but at least im starting to draw again.

expect the chibis no later than a week from now

well, today is just another "blow me" day... same issue with the game, only this time i gave proof and he still denyed it... my best friend is sick, to the point of throwing up, im afraid she got it from me... to me, it just seems like i cant ever have a good day anymore....

at least i got one thing half done, tomarow ill finish it. i got my character design for the human verson of my old character plan "cake" down. shes a jamacian woman with rainbowed hair, silver eyes, and usualy wears tanktops. her anthro form isnt much like i stated on the front page, shes a mouse and bird now, but her hands can change on command instead of giving her wings outright...

may change the hair style, keep the color, idk

"darkness fades and light is reborn, from the firey ashes rises a newborn pheonix" ~cross

just something that happened at my home not that long ago and i wish i could have responded too...

my brother passes me with his iced beer in hand, same expensive shit he wastes his money on when he could be buying diapers for his baby, maybe some teething tablets. he has just gotten back from the store, and before that he had been playing his game all day, my game time is zilch to none now. he says to me "whats wrong bub? you look down". i reply to him in the same tired and monotone voice i give every day "nothing..." his first reply is this: "oooh, are you sad and angry cause i wont let you play the ps3?" he tries to pull this off in a mock conserned tone. inside my head im snapping back at him...

maybe it is cause i dont get to play, or maybe its cause i let you borrow my shit, my laptop, and get nothing but bitching in return. maybe im fucking rotting in my room because i dont ever get any praise for any of the shiti do around this hellhole. you wont ever know will you? you dont even CARE, do you? i tell you when i get home the truth about my homework, because im sick of lieing, never won me anything. yet you stand there after i tell you what i did, and deny i did any of it, not even asking for proof because you want to live your false acusations. maybe im depressed because at night i hear you screaming at a 3 and a half month old baby because its hungry, or just needs to cry. maybe im tired of being lied to, or being ridiculed because of what i wear or who crushes on me, man or woman. maybe my patiance is slipping, maybe ive been takeing all this crap and more from an emotionaly abusive family that never ends, from you attacking my uncle, to my stepdad attacking me, or maybe its because you yourself are a sick person who feeds of my depression and dont give a fuck whos watching, who you try to controll, and who will try to stop you.... maybe its cause im failing school, maybe its cause i live several lives every day.... but do you care keith? no, you never did, and chances are, you never will you fucking prick...



im not doing any art for a long while, at least not till i start to feel better. chances are, if i dont feel better in the next week, ill end up snapping and yelling, curseing left and right because nobody ever listens to my voice in my house, calls me a failure who can do anything and nothing.... ill be back after i feel better....

yes or no?

yes: 0
no: 0

maybe is because im mixed right now, both happy and sad. you may or may not remember that i had a guest over, so i havent been working on my drawings. well now shes gone and it feels so sad to see her go. we stayed up all night almost every night watching Tsubasa chronicles and whos line is it anyways. shes the best any guy could ask for, and truthfully, ive had a crush on her sence i first met her 3 years ago.

you may or may not also know i have a bit of multi-persona disorder, and as she was leaveing not even half an hour ago, i could hear myself and the others speaking... yes i name them, and yes i do treat them like real people because in a way they are. all the non-belivers of spirits can just ignore me and claim im an idiot, phyco, ect ect... but this is how the conversation acctually went

me: there she goes
cross: shes still there, ask her out damnit
me: i cant... theres just... -sighs- she probably doesnt like me
cross: whats the matter with you? she does, just doesnt show it!
me: shes a lesbian for crying out loud
clover: (in a calming tone) ah, you're just scared of rejection. shes the same as everyone here, for instance, i am gay yet i can still tell a woman she looks beautifull. hell, once or twice i thought of dateing a girl
me: but that still doesnt change anything, she would be like any other nice girl ive ever wanted to ask out... she wont and then she will think of me diffrently
clover: such a pessimist... look, you need to stop thinking like the future is the issue, worry about the now and let the waves of the future take you to new hights.
cross: i think first, you need to build confidnce in yourself, you arnt exactly mentaly or emotionaly strong enough
me: change of heart cross?
cross: -scoffs- well obviously trying to get you to walk into this isnt going to work
clover: so you try to use reverse phycology hun?
me:...so... i need to get stronger? i need to start looking up and ahead rather than looking down
-theres a slight silence-
cross: (in a stronger tone) why do you think you need to be like that?
me: because its like you said, shes one of a kind... but right now, its not the time
clover: ah, but you shouldent blind yourself with one woman or man
me: well... -sighs with a smile showing slightly- maybe you have to blind yourself to see what truely lies around you, the real people
cross: but you blinded yourself once, you saw how that was
me: i know, but that wasnt as much a blinding as getting wool over my eyes

ever sence i started walking back, i couldent help but shed a single tear. i tried to keep it in, cause all my wishes were being wisked away by a train... i do need to be stronger, for her or for anyone else. if i dont have confidence in me, any relationship i get in will end before it begins... but ive always belived that goodbyes are as much a new begining as they are an end. do i need to be stronger...? maybe, or... maybe im tricking myself, whatever the case, im not going to let this goodbye pull me down into another depression, and i very well may ask this girl out. the memories ive been holding for a few years now are never going to leave.

if you want to give your thoughts and opinions feel free to.



.....im not going to be the same anymore.... but will this be for the better?

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2925841/

go there, do it, and read the whole thing?

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2932967

i would like you guys to be informed of this prediciment, so that none of you who use paypal to buy or sell art do not loose money due to the issues paypal have with FA (probably even with the sfw.furaffinity.net ). so read the rules, and spread the word

hey guys, im not going to be on much/at all for the next week. someone is comeing over and constantly getting on and off the computer would be considered being a bad host.

all requests will still be worked on, dont worry, and all my chibis are still going to be $2, if you want one please note me and i will get back asap.

have a happy thanksgiving everyone!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6885668/

these are the refences to the chibis i will be drawing, i will be selling them for 2 dollars each, cheep price for such a cute chibi, and the best part is it wont be such a small icon on one peice of paper with other chibis, it will be on its own peice of paper

you must watch me, pimp, and tell me what you want it of and what the chibi is doing

spots:

1-My teacher (art ninja chibi)
2- cute perfect sarah
3- danceing fursona
4- fursona sleeping
5- flirty fursona
6- manly flirt
7- about to take off
8- playing with ribbon
9-

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/youarea.htm

 lostlove stole this from someone and now iam too XD

mine says "you are a kind penis who likes to spill coffee on divas"

first step, clean some journals... second step, fuck it... im done, im tired, and im ready to just give up... yeah im writeing "my life story" but at least those reading will get an idea of why i probably wont post anything for the next while... apperently when im the perfect little child fakeing a smile every day, nobody bothers to ask me what im really feeling... thanks to this, im starting depression counciling tomarrow and todays little incident makes me wonder if im going to need it, or if i should even trust this person....

failure and success are two words you never hear in a sentance positively, and it feels like every day now the negitivity of these two words alone are strikeing me down to my core. the door is right there, i could pack up and run away, never hear from them again... but then i really would be a failure, i would be homeless, i would have nothing... my family doesnt realize all these expectations being thrown at me is breaking me down bit by bit, killing me on the inside and makeing it hard to even trust friends ive known for years. even now, i dont even belive anyone will take these words to heart, probably thinking "he just wants attention"... truthfully, i dont want it, i need it but i dont ask for it, not even now.

what i want is the chance to show them how i feel on the inside, i want a chance to sit there and scream bloody murder with profanity flying every direction... but why dont i? its because im scared, im scared that when i snap someone could be hurt, ill be always seen as a failure to them, i might even get kicked out of my own home by my own family. why do they do this? why do they hurt me so much that my insides as well as most of my body feels numb... i dont care anymore... but i cant say anything... im one little boy stuck in a corner who only knows what hes taught, because i was taught that knowlage is power, and power is never a good thing to have in as large a quantity as i wanted it... so is it good im not doing my best in school or home? apperently not when they say "you're going to be so successfull in life" and turn around saying "you are always going to fail"...

so yeah, shits probably going to be taken away, like my phone and computer, even my tickets from sac to redding for my friend to come over that i havent seen in ages... i wish i could start over again, start from square one with the knowlage i have now... i wish i could stop the pain from people i call family by blood... most of all, i wish none of my life to ever befall anyone, cause theres alot of people out there who have it worse, but im one of the few who live where others give up on life completely... your darkness has spoken ~cross

so i tried to get some more memory on my computer, but it nearly crashed... so, i decided i need a new computer. here is the issue though, im so poor my home might as well be a can. thanks to my momma spike spike, i have a paypal account set up and all, but i need to know how it works so i can start a donations journal, and a commision journal as well... yes, thats right, my art will have periods of time where it wont be free anymore. any and all help is appreciated, thank you all

well, im going to get on my ps3 and play call of duty modern warfare 2, cause i cant afford 3... anyways, if you wanna join me, add me on psn, username is twit_the_tiger

i placed 3 little red flags in my mind as they came along about the course of a few days. ill list them now

flag one: harrasment by phone. they know im in school, they know i have classes, and they know im not allowed to answer said phone in class but they call anyways for a question i forgot because it took a week to respond... whoopy

flag 2: oh joy, nobody told me this. apperently, to even be considered for army training and work i am required to have a high school diploma. nobody told me of this, or any other special requirements (fafsa test or whatever) that must be fulfilled

flag three: last strike. i told them i was considering army work, not completely sure yet but thats why i went in for some info. my friend today told me, quote "you know sergent ___(name forgoten)? he asked if i knew you, and said tell matt to get his ass in here asap" ok, am i the only one that sees that as completely rude? they think im ready to leap and look at the same time

im not sure how you see all this, but it went from simple information to "you are joining if it kills us" to me... thoughts,opinions?

i got me 2 new games, i have metroid prime 3: corruption, and metroid other m. if you have prime 3, id love to give some friend vouchers in return for some.


for those who dont know, im a major gamer, not as good as some at some games but hey... anyways, im willing to try some requests at VG art and im just going to give some examples of games and characters to draw.

sonic- sonic, tails, rouge
mario- mario, luigi, yoshi
metroid- monsters, samus/dark samus
dark cloud- toan, xiao, max, monica
final fantasy- virtualy anyone here folks
halo- master cheif, sarge, keys, covinant
fable- hero, guildmaster, theresa


now its your turn, doesnt have to be what i listed, could be anything from zelda to MGS

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/ba.....yber-bullying/

i forget who made it on this site, but this petition will ban cyber bullyies and trolls, please sign if you or someone you know has been trolled or bullyied. thank you

sorry guys, but the livestream thing isnt going to happen. ive been trying all night and up to about 10 mins ago trying to find out how to fix its graphic card problem. turns out imma need to get a new computer because my heroine addicted stepfather flaked on me again... i need to get a job and buy my own computer, but nobody wants to hire an 18 year old hard worker thats still in high school. woop de do. looks like imma be browseing allot of sites for a job now

its up and running, ill be streaming some games for a while till i can get a tablet. ill start tomarrow morning at about 8-9 maybe, and going on till im bored of it XD anyways, i might also do some music or something, no promises though

livestream is http://www.livestream.com/crossvattic?t=829479 i think

recently, if you have been reading my journals, you can see my life is pretty crappy. so i need some opinions from people who have been through or are in the army. they tell me a few things im still skeptical about...

1. I get to pick a job that i want to do, such as cook or infantry, scout, comp tech, ect, but the catch is that they can ship me to even places like germany, afgan, ect to do that job and that job only.

2. im with a solid mate right now, and i dont wanna get shipped away for 3-4 years and have to only see her in a couple weeks out of the year, ect. if i go in, will they pay for the plane ticket for my mate or would i have to? either way they said if i really want to i can have her come with me

3. is this a good idea? thats all this one is

i ask this from you guys who have been through or are going through it all because i know as a recruiter, his job is to hook me in. i want to make sure that the information he disclosed was actual facts and not some fake promise to entice me.

i have an idea for a story i wanna come out with, and im going to type it and post here... i wanted to see how many people would read it. im going to post a peice from it, but its going to be a bit confuzeing. if you dont understand, ill explain, but if you want me to continue writeing, say "Vote!" or something along the line, and please spread the word. i want at least 25 votes toget started, and to recognize that people actually will read it so i should start from begining to end, i want at least 75... so if you want to read on, spread the word. thank you, enjoy the read.

As i walked into the junkyard from the main road, i felt a sort of peace. my encounter with the theifs on the train, and the fact my parents had essentialy sacrificed me, was getting into the far reaches of my mind. i walked over to the nearest spot that had a roof and sat there. even with the rain softly hitting the top of this tin roof i was under, the sadness and acheing feeling in my heart came back to life. it was as if the moment i stepped out of the rain, the flames of the incident had come back to life, seeming to burn me from the inside untill i started to cry.

the wind was whispering into the metal, my tears falling with the rain, i sat for what seemed like an eternity- the ache in my heart felt more like ripped flesh- but it started to slowly subside. who would have thought it, another 13 year old runaway, somehow landing himself in the richest neighborhood, but ending up in the junk yard. alone, helpless, and mostly hungry, i stood up and accidently hit my head on the makeshift tin roof. i nearly cursed, stopping myself as i rubbed my head, and stepped out. i thought the worst as i looked over the lowest part of the city, i thought i would have to sink low and steal my next meal.

"hey there, who are you?" a voice called from my right, i jumped at least 3 feet in the air before falling and looking at the voice. in front of me stood a girl, her hair filled with equal streaks of blond and brown, her body looking as if she was an islander. her hair was tied up into a ponytail, her dark brown eyes stareing at me in a kind of glare a mother would give a child. she called to me "here to take more stuff to throw into the ocean? i swear to god if you do im going to end-"

"please! i was just looking for somewhere to get away," i admited in a scared and small voice, i stood up, wipeing the mud off my pants, "i'll go, just dont hurt me."

as i started to back up slowly, she shook her head in a way that suggested that she didnt like it herself, but she put a hand out to me

"hold on, just give me a second. you wait right there. no, wait, not there, under someth- gah, just wait somewhere dry and dont catch a cold!" before i had time to ponder what she ment, she had ran off somewhere, leaveing me alone again. i felt a cold wind blow, and i got back under the roof before i got hypothermic.


vote count: 0

snagged by  MitsukoSouma

this result makes me feel like i should be studdying phycology... lol

Aesthetic


You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.

You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.



Sympathetic


You have a knack for knowing what's going on in the hearts and minds of those around you, without their having to tell you explicitly. People tend to turn to you with their problems because they know you care, and that you will likely offer good advice and a helping hand.

You do not feel that people with sad stories are just looking for attention, or have brought their problems upon themselves.



Understanding


You are willing to take the time to find out what's going on with other people, especially if they're in distress. You're a good listener, you don't criticize, and you offer unbiased, respectful, honest advice when it's requested. With a high score on the "understanding" trait, it is likely that you are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.

You don't feel the need to impose your standards on others or say things that, even though true, cause pain.



Empathetic


You are in touch with your own feelings, which helps put you in touch with the feelings of others.

You don't buy the logic that your happiness comes ahead of everyone else's because unless you're happy you're incapable of making anyone else happy.



Arbitrary


You believe life can be fairly random, and trying to impose a tight little grid on it is a waste of time - your conclusion: relax. Things will work out (or not). No need to get ultra-logical about everything.

You do not believe that everything has a logical explanation or that every problem has a logical solution.



Friendly


You would rather hang out with others than spend time alone, and you'd far rather be doing something with your friends than just sitting around. You're happy in a crowded room, club, stadium, or auditorium.

You're not a private person who is ill at ease in a group; you don't view excessive socializing as a waste of time.



Accessible


You're comfortable expressing yourself in words and actions, with no self-censorship. You believe that if someone doesn't like what they see it's not your problem, but theirs. A high score on the "accessible" trait suggests that you have a lot of friends, socialize often, and enjoy rap/hip-hop music.

You don't see the need to keep your thoughts to yourself, or to have a zone of privacy that encompasses only yourself and a small circle of friends and relatives.



Warm


You have a genuine interest in other people. You're a natural host, and are always thinking about how you can increase the happiness of those around you. When friends have problems or are in trouble, you're usually the first person they turn to for aid and comfort. Scoring high on the "warm" trait suggests that you are among those who enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.

You don't always say exactly what you're thinking; you don't like the idea of causing anyone pain because of your criticism.



Scrupulous


You are an honest, fair person. You don't lie or cheat to get ahead. You treat others with respect and hope for the same in return.

You do not feel that you are above the rules that everyone else follows; you are definitely not willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.



Unflappable


You are not a slave to your emotions. It takes a lot to upset or unnerve you. That's why you're a good person to have around in a crisis.

You don't let it all hang out, which means that those around you often don't know the pressures you're under or what you're going through. You're not the kind of person people run from in a crisis.