cursimag-photography is here. I'll post what photos I like to take.
I can already imagine that this isn't exactly content for everyone, but that's fine.
now let's see if FA will pick up that I'm tagging the profile or will continue to act up.

I didn't get the job, I'm still not getting the job, I cannot find job offers.

the holiday went good, very good, I feel the best I have in a long while. for this same reason, I feel unable to channel what I felt while making most of the drawings I have here, I just cannot. I bave a few ideas for things I want to try to make, but it still feels wrong, incorrect. maybe this is for the best, yet I still feel drawn to self-harm and gore, the violence never feels enough.

I've managed to gather a few commissions, enough that I'll soon, very soon, be able to afford a tablet, I can begin to draw digitally by then, and I have a strong feeling that it will help me draw more consistently.

I've been considering starting a second account here, which I would dedicate to photography, still wondering if I should do that. any comments regarding this are encouraged.

I don't remember if I mentioned this last time, or ever, but I've given up on trying to find somewhere I can feel belonging. my last attempt was the most important, one of the most welcoming places I've been to, with the nicest of people, someone pretty important in there too. I've given it my best, I kept reminding myself of all the mistakes that lead to the situation I was in and trying to not fall for them again.
that was pointless, it ended up like the dozen other times I tried, and now I'm feeling alone again, but I'm not going to give it another attempt, I'm tired of hurting and hurting people for the sake of fixing my dreaded loneliness.

I wonder how things will go from here.

my family is too poor to afford the school I want to go to.
my drive for drawing is at an all time low.
I ultimately didn't manage to get a job and thus didn't put any money away for the holiday I have planned.
boredom permeates most of my days.
I'm afraid that to the one job interview I did that would've been perfect for my situation may not ever contact me back.
I ultimately gave up trying to find a community.

right now there's nothing for me to do but wait for this holiday then begin to hopefully work, get some money, pay that initial 2.000 entrance fee to the school followed by another two years of installment payment. I hate this situation.
and somehow I'm handling it mediocre-ly well, which concerns me.

school is going bad, and I'll leave in the near future. too many promises not kept, too many things said that didn't mean anything. I trusted the wrong person.
I'll wait until a meeting, which will probably going to be pretty awful. I'll find a job and continue my studies elsewhere, somewhere more expensive, but also so much more prestigious, so to speak. I almost wasted a year.

once more I feel like the seasonal moodswing is something that exists and not like something my brain tries to convince me of to make me feel worse, it works regardless.

no matter how much I try I seem I can't fit anywhere, no matter the group, the community, how big or small, how welcoming or not, I try to learn from each time I abandon one, from my own volition or not. it's obviously me, not the people around me, no one else, no one normal, has these issues. I feel so alienated, so distant, so lonely. like there's nothing but void outside, like my brain is programmed in an incompatible program language with anyone else. so many things that don't make sense to me, but I have to find a sense to them otherwise it'll just be problems.

I like the symbology of the razor blade, something you're supposed to use to shave, to, ideally, make yourself look better, you instead use it to destroy, to open your skin. the perversion/corruption of something positive. a concept I like.

I need to make myself a professional portfolio, it's about time I try to get some attention on me from the industry. but for that I need a tablet I can use to draw, and that costs money I can't use.

I want to do more trades.

I miss you Krosh.

I started the university course I wanted to take, everything is going according to plans, and better yet, I'm enjoying school finally.

after december, which was the lowest I've ever been at, things are turning around for me, I'm doing better, and it's the best I've ever been in a very long time, all thanks to bf.
this caused me to lose the need to draw the usual gore, self-harm and depressing stuff (which I assume is the main reason why people are here).
looking forward it's something I still want to draw, but between uni work and other projects, the making of personal drawings has slowed down considerably and I'm simply not posting some of them, and while I still have plenty of things to post, they're not done on my usual sheet format, and I can't scan them at home, so they take a while to get ready. beyond that, plenty of drawings are exercise and aren't worth showing.

it's nice to still see new people follow and like, but in all honesty this page has mostly served me as a journal for myself, where I post things I feel relevant to me without caring much about the numbers a post makes. it's why I have entirely stopped with the edits, I didn't like them anymore, the original images weren't mine, and all I did was just messing with some filters.
the whole journal argument is why I'm kind of writing this, I'm not sure how to explain it.

I'm horribly sick, I feel like my stomach is writhing inside of me. I owe drawings to people (I only really owe a trade which will be the next thing I'll work on and a pseudo-commission, the rest is stuff I want to draw for other people but I still haven't done). it feels like uni is going both too slow and too fast at the same time. so much stuff I want to do, no motivation to do it.

I guess a start would be to properly figure out the commission info, and perhaps go back to writing.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10713528/

go get a commission or animation from him, please, he got such a great and unique style. if you could spread this that would be lovely.

uni started, it's relatively easy, and while it will keep me fairly busy, I want money for some personal projects.

at last, I have the mean of send and receive money online. so I'm fully opening commissions now.
I'm uncertain about some details, but I'll get everything worked out.

I dislike summer, and it has been too hot to do anything but compulsively play minecraft.
but now I will have my university course starting soon and I need to get back on track.

I'm opening two commission slots to essentially force myself to draw.
the drawings may be anything and the price will be discussed depending on what you want drawn, a sketch should go for around 20~, a line up for 35~, a comic styled drawing for 70~, a realistic drawing for 90~. but again, prices will certainly vary (and I'm scared of overpricing).

note me or send me a request on discord if you're interested. discord would be better since it allows for a faster message delivery, and I will need to communicate a lot to make sure I'm delivering the desired result.

the money gathered from these drawings will be split between two artists, I don't need a whole lot of money myself (lie) and I want to support other artists (my crippling guilt may get a little better for a while if I do that).

despite not having the time or will to take commissions, beside the countless red flags I was getting, I thought that I could do vomitshit a small surprise and raise a little more money for him by taking NerdVore commission.
however, being very uncertain about the individual, I asked for payment in advance (on their note they said they were a huge fan, despite not following, never having left a comment or a like, or not knowing that I was raising money for another artist or that I had my discord tag already on my profile), and that simply lead them on this sort of salty-ness outburst on calling me different stuff because I asked them to pay in advance.
and my theory is simply that I came across a scammer, considering how the discord account was only created a month ago.
so yeah, be careful.

first getting you-are-a-groomer-ed and now this, I'm speedrunning the artist drama scenarios.

the last two drawings I've posted where stuff I started three weeks ago before I got sick for a week and a half.
all of the sudden now I cannot manage to draw anything new, I can't get my sona right, everything I draw feels dissatisfying and it's frustrating and terrifying, I've already been delaying my side of a trade for weeks, and now I have a commission to draw as well and I'm so scared I might might be unable to do it in decent times because of this.
I hate this so much. how much more is it going to last? what can I do about it?
I really need some help over this.
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I wish I could just disappear and everyone would forget about me, it wouldn't undo any of the pain I've caused, but it would at least prevent me from causing more.

I already got "you're a groomer"ed, I was expecting at least to get to 10k views or 250 watches, that was quite the situation, coming from someone I believed to be a friend too, oh well.
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I'm supposed to attend finals in just a couple of months and I've not been in the conditions to study recently in 6 months.
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out of content for edits, have been barely able to draw, social life getting somehow even worse than it already was, can't even self-harm as I'm out of clean blades for the box opener, and throughout all of this I'm supposed to be open for commission to help vomitshit out with his financial situation.
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not wanting to concern my friends by venting to them, I guess I'm only really left with FA journals to share this.
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how cool.

  vomitshit has been in a not great situation for a while now. I do not have any mean for any transactions, can't buy commission, can't take commission because the client wouldn't have anywhere to send me the money.
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I will be taking commission with the mean of sending money to vomitshit , instead of payment I want any possible client to send the money to vomitshit's boosty (https://boosty.to/kleshchevaya).
the ideal plan would be that I make a rough sketch, I get confirmation from vomitshit that the client sent him the money, I finish the drawing.
it's the least I can do.
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if anyone is actually interested, you may add me on discord, we can discuss the details there.
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if I can gather at least 60 euros that would be ideal.
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[20/03/2023] I've managed to gather what will soon be 120 euros out of commission money, thank you everyone that made this possible, I would keep this open still, but I've been struggling enough with what I need to finish and I don't think it would be good for me to get any more commissions as of right now (I would still love to get trades going however, though it might take me a while to finish my side of it).

first of all, I just want to mention oh my fucking god I'm tired of seeing porn. I want follow a new page, got some nice style, nice characters, nice gore, but I know damn well that if I do I'll have to skim through the porn ychs getting posted just to maybe see one drawing that doesn't have a hyper dick in it or some shit.
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I might actually start to post something that's a little less suicidal and actually sane, I've gathered a handful of ideas from a handful of people, alongside with just want to draw a shit ton for other people as well.
I'm talking to you, Shin, and you too, Azzy. I wonder how vomitshit is holding up.
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also damn I need a female character and a chubby character. and also also damn I should draw my other characters more often, and with more often I mean at all.

I don't want to feel better, all because of the impossible amount of guilt I've accumulated over the past few years, I've treated so many people wrong, people I loved, that because of my own issues I've hurt, and further hurt once I isolated myself from them indefinitely, and I don't feel like I deserve happiness because of what I did. it's a vicious cycle, memories bring guilt, guilt brings emotional suffering, excessive emotional suffering brings self-inflicted physical pain.
I block myself from feeling well by essentially absorbing all the bad vibes possibles around me, mostly from music and also by acting mean.
People around me say I don't put effort into what I do and I don't use my full potential when I feel like it's a struggle just to put one feet in front of the other.
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I've not been able to draw at all, or at least things I want to draw, nothing feels right, I can never reach my standards in my own drawings, at least I can still potentially post stuff I make at school. it's not like the ideas aren't there, I just can't actually create anything right now because of how damn shitty I feel.
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whatever, can't even kill myself because my mind is still more scared of death than having to wake up another day feeling like this.
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More edits incoming though, just a few.

(thanks again for the inspiration for the profile info Mustelo) while I try to keep only the goodies (gore drawing and edits) on here, I do have handful of other stuff, such as school drawings, memes, and general other things I draw and make.
I'm interested to know if anyone would be interested in seeing them, because, while I would post them, part of me doesn't want them here for they would stick out too much from the main stuff posted here.

so ultimately, I think I'll let anyone that desires to write a comment here about it decide.
crimson posting only or crimson posting with general stuff in the scrap folder?