No news is good news.
1st world problems for me is all. Not worth venting about.

I'm here, still crafting the arts. Uploading them whenever.

One of these b-day updates will be good news. I can't promise this. Life sucks for me and much anyone else the same. I'm not exclusive to these experiences. But for this writing I'm going to feel this way.

I actually yearn for good news, but the world around me presents me only the bad.
Few years ago. I had lost my Uncle due to DUI. The person that killed him stayed with him until the authorities came. Fast forward court proceedings later and we get an insurance pay out from their car insurance. It was quite low. Rest of the household seem satisfied and more so when the person that did the deed served time.
But that was not the case. Fast forward to this year. We were informed that the person who did the deed....did the deed again. Unsure if they killed anyone but was DUI. Had a warrant for when caught. They were living in a different county so I guess that caused complications on their arrest and or imprisonment. I'm still waiting on a resolution on court proceedings on this. Having learned this. Fills my heart with anger and hatred. This person, is young and stupid. And to be arrested for DUI tells ME they're not sorry for what they did. I cannot be convinced otherwise. Justice so awkward. Frustrating.

I've also lost my Grandmother this year. The household is lonelier and quieter. I'm currently the one in the household with stable income for the longest, since 2016 when my mother passed. I've recently got my brother working. But they're not giving him enough hours. But at least he's making money instead of making 0. We both commute via Bicycles. And since he's started. Pieces of his bike got stolen. While I never had any issues for the many years I worked there. (We work at the same place by the way). First week, handlebar bag and front lights. I bought him new ones. The next week. BOTH the wheels were stolen. Now he doesn't have a ride-able bike at the moment. People sure are cruel.

That's essentially that's been weighing on my soul. I'm very tired.

Art status. I've not uploaded since, what...May? I have still been drawing since then but Just not uploaded anything.
I'm interested into trying an Inktober. My first time. I'm a day late because I've very busy. And when I'm not busy. I'd rather sleep. (Forever if possible). I pulled up an old Monster one. Cause I like monster girls. I didn't much care for the current official prompts. So I'll do that oldie.
At least I'm not quitting the arts? Not yet. My hearts not in it though. I'm better off with it not being a business. Whatever I put on the canvas just means nothing to me. Maybe something to you when you see it. I'm without my my muse (My uncle above) since 2 years now. I have been unsuccessful in finding a new muse to reignite the art drive.

I think that's it...

On my previous Baftday Journal I spoke of fighting for more pay at my job. It was unsuccessful. Waited to the start of this year, gave them a THREE weeks notice, cashed out my PTO and quit for 7 months.
Thought I was gonna enjoy time off work with the money saved. It ended being a downward spiral where many a thing breaks down.
Had went to the ER for chest pains, which were not heart attack related so I'm sitting with that outstanding bill.

A friend of mines having a rough time seeing their newborn baby as the baby's mother keeps them apart. Our meetups is never good news before we attempt to enjoy a session of Yugioh duel monsters.
Tried looking for work myself around July. Failed to do so and thus tucking my tail and went back to the company I quit from. This time with higher pay but the same nonsense that came with it. And Part-Time to boot.

Art wise is not great news either. My desire to draw is fading every time I put that tablet on my lap, even for a hobby to pass time with. It brings me little joy. With my motivators are resting in heaven. I've not successfully found a new source of motivation to actively continue the pursuit of art. May just end up being a customer to other artists and make them draw my ideas. All I'm good for is money nowadays. Much useless in every other category.
Not a declaration of quitting. tomorrow's another new day with unexpected twist and turns. Living the moment and what that moment gives me, be it good or bad.

Does not require further of my assistance for now. I shall close my Commission Gates.

I'm helping out a friend. All my earnings will go to  oogzie
You may also visit his page for commissions as well.

My comm info is just for single characters. But if you want additional characters I'm tacking on;

+$10 per extra characters for sketches.
+$30per extra characters for Full colors.

Payment options
-Paypal via Invoice
-Cashapp
-Kofi

Send me a note if interested.
Comment below on general inquiries if my comm info doesn't answer questions.

Fren could use some comm work. Hit him up on his Discord or Twitter.
https://professional-amateur.carrd.co/

Spread this around in your other circles to gather interest please~

This read will not be pleasant.

I'm ever frustrated how this chunk of a year panned out.
Dealing with an unexpected loss. Left Angry. Sad. Confused. Which I get no satisfying justice over.
My PC died. So I need to acquire a new one.
I've not partook much any arts since the unexpected loss of life. It's been...3 months now.
I've reached peak frustration with my current work that I still worked with for coming 8 years now. So I say but I find old posts from myself on Tumblr and Facebook on how much it reminds me that I hate this job. But I gotta keep rolling the money despite how I feel about it. But I must fight for more pay. I personally feel unfair practices at hand with certain wage bills passing in this city/state.

Work leaves me wrecked after every shift. My dreams become work. Losing more sleep than I usually would. Taking on responsibilities from the life loss adds more tax to my fatigue.

Despite trying so hard. Every action is unsatisfying. I'm ever reconfirming the uselessness that is me. People telling me of feats that don't exist in me as if they know who I am. Just some puppet whose strings can be pulled with relative ease and pointless of me trying to cut those strings or pretend it's not there.
I really don't have much further motivations for the duration of my life. I had 2 Motivations and they're no longer walking with my on this earth.
I've nothing to prove, No one I care to impress.
I want to stop working and rot.

https://twitter.com/Sable_J/status/.....66681935048704

This guy looking to do some work for you.
Spread the word if you can. Spare some dosh.
Thank you.

I'm tired...
I don't want to wake up.
I don't want these mental shackles holding me down. Holding me back anymore.
I want to be free.

The future is uncertain as it should be.
The road I find myself on sees me as being unable to provide nsfw content to you all.

I've not Indulged in art lately... It's been months even. For I want time focused on other activities and hobbies. If time were gifted to me. Yet I'm giving it away without a second thought.

I'm so tired...

Yey.

I've become a lurker with my activity.
My talents (Or lack thereof) Unfocused and eroding.
Still one of those essential workers. And unable to shave off 8 hours of it Just to get a little more of a break.

The journal is rambling below.

I pick up my Tablet Pen. I load up the canvas of choice.
I mentally ask myself a repeated question.
"Why are we so limited?"
All the website hopping we do to find a so called safe space. So we could do the things we like to do without said limitations.
Still met with said limitations.

It demotivates me.
I scribble something. I post it to a small circle. It gets praised. I don't know why. Someday I can make something that I like. At least I think I like. I post it and the response isn't satisfactory
Though I don't know what I seek in the end. I don't ask for it. Yet expect it. Like some sort of validation. A validation that I'm not simply wasting my time

Most days I want people to forget me. I want to distance myself to the same words I hear everyday. The same people I wake up to see. Silence my phone.

I want to give up. But I won't allow myself to. Tomorrow is different. I'm tired, but can't rest. Physically yes, mentally no. I do not grasp the concept of boredom for I gave myself far too many things to do. Lacking time to do those things piled on my shoulders and now I crawl with weak ambition. I tell people around me what I want to do in life. I want to hear their response, see their expressions. I wanted that validation that I'm not chasing dreams.

I ask myself. "Why am I so limited...?"
I'm tired. But I must stay awake. For they need my help. And I need their thanks to keep going.

Roughly.

Just forget about me.

And noticed, FAs update...Interdasting.

I've a ton of new watchers. Assuming the Tumblr Purge. Hello. Thanks for the watch and all that Jazz...
I've a lot of sketches and doodles to upload.
But I won't spam no ones feed.
They'll arrive-slowly but surely.

Long as I remember to.

Taking single character sketches. Check my commission info for details.
Life tells me its not time for fun. I must work more until life is satisfied.

This stresses me to no end. A 40 hour job isn't enough I see...

Also hi. Been 2 years since a journal.

I'm accounted for.
Just working...and working...and working.

I'll be randomly active, though my upload rate would suggest such things already.

Nabbed me a job and stuff.
Finally make this "living" and junk.
Hope I can keep it for a long time, whether I like it or not down the road.

Might get some drawing done on my days off.
Other things I want to say but it's too soon to say it.

So...yeah. Cya.

Been hard at work moving out a building for the first half of this month and my body's been wrecked from it. But it's all over and now I'm near full rested.

I've bought a new PC and I'm adjusting to it. (Last one is like 14 years old and can no longer keep up to today's standards especially with the no XP support soon). Bought a lot of games even.

So that has been my absence. Hopefully get some draws in and finish off my commission queue (Almost doooone~) So expect more Gatomams down the road.

I've noticed an increase of watchers as of late. Way more than usual.
Thanks again and enjoy. [:

No more votes for 6th gen. That shall get drawn when the time is available for me.
Now to do a twist!

Now that was have 6 wonderful generations of Pokemon
Your voting shall now be one from everyone, a party of your favorites. Hah~

Rules.
- You MUST vote one Pokemon for each generation! It's no fun if you excluded one. You vote will not be counted if not all 6 Pokemon are chosen.
ex.
1. Bulbasaur ( 1-151, R/B/Y )
2. Chikorita ( 152-251, G/S/C )
3. Treeko ( 252-386, Ru/Sa/E )
4. Turtwig ( 387-493, D/P/Pt )
5. Snivy ( 494-649, B/W/B2/W2 )
6. Chespin (650-718, X/Y )

-Mega Evolutions are Excluded, to better simplify the voting.
-The Pokemon of your choosing will be Male or Female. Not mentioning a gender will put a count on both male and female genders.
-This is not requesting. I'm drawing the Winners on how I see fit.

Thanks for participating on this rare fun(?) thing I do every now and then.

I shouldn't be doing this! But it must be done.

6th Generation, Kalos, 650-718*, X and Y games.
- Can suggest from 1-6 Pokemon
- Can suggest Genders even if Genderless (If no genders selected I put a +1 to both genders unless the Pokemon is a single gender)
- Tell your friends that likes Pokemon so I won't get much a tiebreaker in the last poll.

I think I'll tally it up at the end of the month or when no more comments given to this journal for some time before then.

After this I will do a special poll. ' v'

I held up my Resolution of submitting only finished works to the artsites. (DA/FA/IB/Weasyl)
Next year. I'm bombarding you all with Sketches that has flooded my Tumblr. >:D

I've been thinking to close up Commissions again. I no longer like the idea of tagging a price to what used to be a hobby, an escapism. Earning money off it has stressed me out. So that may or will happen soon as I can get the Gatomons done.

2014 Resolution? To see how much of my Gaming backlog I can kill for one.
http://backloggery.com/CyanZack
I can't do a thing to PS2 games. I've nothing to play em anymore.
I need a new/upgraded PC for the majority of Steam games.
I've still more games to add on it but I got lazy.

2013 has been very eventful for me. But I'll save the summary in my head. Heh.

Well seeing how my family is constantly siphoning my money to help them out I'm thinking of doing $10 single character sketches. (Check my Commission info for more details - http://www.furaffinity.net/commissi...../cyanzangoose/ )

Atleast enough to get me back for the much they siphoned. I'm in no desperation for it whatsoever so don't ignore those in need to commish me.
I still have a backlog of commissions to finish but if all I have to do is sketch the future ones I'd get it done pretty quickly.

Thank you if you're interested. Just send me a note if you are. I really don't want to do more Commissions honestly. but It's not like I'm going to ask you guys to give me free monies for nothing.

October is gonna be a great month.
Having finally get a PS3 this month. I can watch my DVDs now. So I'm watching marathon of Samurai Pizza Cats that I had ordered and delivered months ago.

It's even better than I remembered!
I got to meet my best bud  oogzie yesterday for the first time. And he now has to live with a new nickname acquired. Was good times. Heh~

Hmm? What? Drawing? Nah.
Games. Loads of games~!

Might have to take commissions in between the tall order I'm working on. Well, I'm not desperate for it. Maybe not.

So I'm getting laid off from work due to cut funding. So coming next Friday I'll have more drawing time available (Most importantly game time).

Due to a string off unplanned events, I wasn't able to build up enough funding for a new PC. Nor build up to get future pre-orders off games I want.

Oh well I'm only guessing/thinking.

In the meantime I'm not totally inactive. My Tumblr is swimming with sketches and WiPs. Might crunch in some finished pics for you next week. Might,

I'd most likely get stuff done more efficiently if I just leave Skype off.

If you read up to this point, congratulations.
Let's play a lil game (A naughty one~).
- Leave one ( 1 ) ref of a character (official characters, fancharacters, original characters etc etc).
- You may not request what character should be/should not be doing.
- I shall doodle something of the character if it catches my interest.
- These will be mature-adult rated.
- They will be posted on my tumblr - http://torbletumble2.tumblr.com/

Might be cool.

I got myself and my buddy  oogzie a tablet. I've been practicing with it. Awkward at first but I'm not hating it.
http://torbletumble2.tumblr.com/ (NSFW)
Can look at my attempts there.

I'm still working on commissions. But I do create a number of sketches there on my Tumblr (Since I only want to upload finished pics on the artsites)

Currently trying to practice doing lineart with the Tablet. not going so well. In time yes.

I did make a Tikal pic. It's a wet shirt type of pic, is that allowed? It's not exactly hardcore porn...I dunno. It's on tumblr too

I can't say for sure to what extent.
But I got a J-O-B job now. in Blistering heat.
And I've an army of commishes to work though and won't feel like drawing much for myself when I'd rather do some gaming instead.

But atleast when the commishes are done...You guys will be flooded of Gatomon and Meowths. o:

That being said.
Commissions are closed until further notice.

I can direct you to  oogzie if he hasn't closed them yet.
 lovely_mawile is also open for commissions
Check em out, give em a watch. Both are really talented~