A Friend... A Really Good Friend, I should say, hit some trouble with a boyfriend. It kind of stirred up some feelings of my own that I've been meditating on while at work today.

If these statements are awkward, imagine being in my slippers and writing this.

I've heard a lot of cliches at times. One of the worst ones has been 'if you love something, you have to let it go.' I've always wondered why this is the case and I've always torn myself apart when thinking about it. Does it mean that I should push people away? Does it mean that I should hold as tight as I can for as long as I can until I know I've lost? Does it mean that the only way to love someone is to be passive?

I think I found the answer when I met up with Kame. He's special to me. I like him a lot and, well, I don't want to lose him. Hell, I may as well just out and say I'm in love with him. I don't know whether its filial, sexual, or whatever, but I do love him in a way.

All I really know about my love for kame is that it hurts. It hurts when I think about him having RP with someone else. Hell, it hurt when I thought of him drawing for someone else for a while. As I've come to understand it through meditation, crying, and a bit of prayer a lot of that was jealousy. It might not have even been love at first, it might have just been me mooching off of an artist. But, well, something was there and it grew. I held my tongue and spent time with him and I know I adore him in some way.

I think the reason I love him in the way I do is because I told myself I didn't. I wasn't looking for love and I'm still not, it just kind of appeared. I'm still jealous at times, but I know its jealousy. I was only able to figure that out by stepping away a bit and saying that 'if this is love, then it should be enough that he is happy.' And when I thought about it, he was and is happy, and that's been enough for me because that knowledge is enough to make me happy.

It's not for everyone, but... it's worked out for me. Maybe the key to love for me is simply saying 'okay' and stepping back for a bit and letting people be who they are. If I love someone and do that, maybe that someone who honestly loves me back might return one day. It'll be kind of a recognition by both parts that the other means something. Maybe that'll be true love for me.

Or maybe it'll at least be a start?

--
Edit: Okay after a slew of people going "Are you okay?" online, I better clarify. This journal is not saying I'm sad or bawww. This is me trying to help out a friend or anyone else having a hard time with love because, honestly, it's tough. Love is introspection as well as extrospection, in my mind, and sometimes it helps to see that someone else has gone through something, maybe not similar, but at least has gone through an emotional time.

SO YEAH, THE MANDER IS FINE PEOPLE xD

I love you. Thank you for reducing the swelling of my bee stings and for cleaning my car's battery acid buildup on the leads.

You're fracking sexy.

 Sir_Razalus Needs money for homies and hos.

Okay, more like a home and basic living needs.

And that's my good deed for the day.

Just in case anyone' wondering; here's my present work load...

PWYW Commissions
---
 mh47e -> M = E / C^2 -> M/F (Introduction)
Kitath -> Poof -> SM/solo (Ideas)


Gifts
---
 Maloo -> Being Gooey M/H (Ideas)


Personal
---
TNK Core -> (100%)
TNK Abilities -> (75%)
TNK Setting -> (50%)
TNK Addendums -> (80%)
TNK Bio Compendium -> (10%)

Do it because I says so >:C

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2796272/

Heyo, with the creation of my art monkey's account  lshproductions I was considering writing a story for every piece of art I put up?

Would this be a good idea or just something super freaky that would turn people off and have them call me a creeper? :|

KAY!

If copyright and intellectual property matter to you, please sign the petition in this journal.

http://web.flexiblesurvival.com/vie.....?f=9&t=388

Thank you.


-EDIT-

The petition was deleted by Nuku and now I'm banned from public chat in the MUD.

It took a good friend to calm me down last night, and he's right. I really shouldn't be pissed or surprised about this. Nuku is a thief and I had to learn the hard way.

He was also right about another thing: If I want to put this behind me, I have to prove to myself that I'm better than this stupidity.

I'm going to start working on a large-scale project now, and I may soon ask for help in the areas I cannot personally complete.

3...2...1...

I FEEL OOOOOOOOOLD (news at eleven)

When you get screwed over for lending something to someone. I'm not naming names or pointing fingers, I've had enough of that drama and am done with it. What I am saying is that things suck when, honestly, a person cannot make a deal on a handshake anymore.

I suppose it's my fault, mainly because I was raised on the idea that your word is as good as any oath and that, honestly, people respect both your rights as an individual and the rights you have as the owner of an idea.

But that doesn't seem to be how things work anymore.

I'm sick of it.

From now on, I'm not going to give anything out without a legally binding contractual agreement.

And distribute it over FurAffinity, how much would you pay for for the core rulebook of it?

Would you pay ten dollars?
Five?
Two?

Just putting feelers up.

I've got ideas constantly swimming in my head, and a lifetimes of promises I've made to myself.

I've been looking over what tiny bit of code I know and I'm going to try to do something that will possibly be seen as arcane. I'm going to try to turn a Mud into a single player text adventure, maybe even a multiplayer text adventure.

I'm still going to try to learn python and all that good 'wholesome' code, but I know how to work with the tools located inside a Muck so... that's what I'm going to try to do. We'll see if it works or if it falls flat on its face.

The idea is to take the world of Navarro, a game world and engine I've been working on since I was eight, and transform it into a fully fledged game that I can share.

Wish me luck, I'll be providing a link to it later as well as information here in my journal.

Okay, so... goofing off with the coding for the mud has made me want to display my own creative itch.

Thinking about making a text adventure game of my own, because I can... and I want to learn how.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to go about this?

Do you like text adventure games, WITH SEX?

http://web.flexiblesurvival.com/play/

I script critters.

PLAY IT DAMMIT.

Thank you for the watches, all my new watchers!
I know I don't often thank people for em, but I want to make a note of my appreciation before single's awareness day steals my happy once more.

So! I say to all of you!
Thank you!

~~~~

In other news, I'm working on trying to find a job still. It's really crappy so far, but I'm still keeping at it. Putting out about 1-3 resumes each day (as those are the number of opportunities that normally crop up).

Prayers are appreciated!

But there are so GOD DAMNED many JOURNALS aching for a good TROLLING.

I need something to take my mind off of them, any suggestions? :o

It's been a wild Christmas.
I went and saw my bro and his family.
Talked a bit online.
Bought presents, gave em out.
Got a few.

Merry Christmas to those still celebrating.

Just happened across this journal today from someone who is in dire straights. I figured I'd put this up so that anyone else who wants commissions can, hopefully, spare a few dollars to help another person out:

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1925232/

Yeah, I feel like I'm begging for things whenever I put these up. But people asked me to, 'Just Cause.' Better not get me anything or, so help me, I will crush you between my bewrbs!

What I would like:
1. An SL Avatar of Cyn
2. Art is always appreciated
3. Stories are wonderful
4. A cat is fine too
3. Some love for the people who need it

What I need:
1. A Job [Gotta get this myself :x ]
2. New Shoes [Mom's getting me these <3]
3. Some New Underwear FemKame can't steal
4. World Peace
5. PROFIT

I know where you live. O_O

Only two weeks until I'm out of College.

I'm scared as piss. But I'm gonna make it. I've got to make it.

I've got two weeks to get my act together, to create a resume, file it, send it out to every company I've ever wanted to work for. I've got four and a half years of experience in the field of english, I've got 6 years experience working without having ever truly stopped. I've got every advantage I could possibly hope for.

All I've got to do is send out resumes, pass my exams, and write a story for class.

Hellz Yeah, the world is my oyster.

http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/

Pro-Con Fallacy
Raise your hand if you understand my issue.

November kind of sucks, I'll be honest.

It's not because of something it did, oh no, it doesn't share any of the blame for this. It just happens to be caught in an unfortunate series of circumstances.

It's like my professors know exactly what's going on for the month, it's like my professors don't have anything better to do.

I'm referring, of course, to NaNoWriMo. I've been a supporter for the past five years and have regularly attempted the challenge. Unfortunately, my professors don't seem to care about that. As a result, I am unable to participate in this year's attempts. It sucks, I know, but I'm still going to do at least something:

I'm going to write in the spirit of it.

Look out for new writings that, I hope, you will enjoy :3

So, I've been thinking a lot, mainly about myself and my place in this world. Its a huge, wide open space that's in front of me, so incredibly daunting, like a monster threatening to eat me alive.

But that's the nature of the world, its combat of classes and intellect and personality and soul.

I'm not trying to get on an Emoduck or Dramallama stage here, but... its kind of popped into my mind nowadays, the last semester of college, searching for a job of some sort. There's not a lot out there, even if you try your hardest and search with every last minute of your time.

In that regard, I understand why it is that some people are asking me for money. I actually have a stable job: I work hard and I get paid for it. Its not work that's appreciated, save by the people working with me, but its good work for good money.

Unfortunately, a number of people have tried to convince me that I need to spend my hard earned cash on them. Many are unemployed and, I feel, some are looking to me as a kind of piggy bank.

I am not a piggy bank. I believe first and foremost that my money is my money; it is a representation of the time I have spent to earn a living and start paying back the debts I owe to my collectors. If I feel the desire to give money to someone, I will, often not for free, but I will still do it. I do it often here on Furaffinity, for example, by buying art.

I buy art because I respect and love artists, they possess a skill I do not possess, nor have the talent or time to pursue. I would LOVE to buy more expensive pieces, even pieces with me and very good friends, friends I love, but I do not possess the money to do so, especially when the person who would also be involved in the picture cannot even account for 25% of the required funds.

So, yes, there's my emoduck / dramallama rant.

I give funds to people who I feel deserve it, not those who beg.

How do these things spread, are they like some kind of horrible infection that festers in the depths of the internets only to spread everywhere?

Anyways, I got tagged. Reply to this journal and I'll try my best to do the following:

1. Tell you something I'll learn about you by looking at your FA page for 13 seconds.
2. Tell you which color you remind me of.
3. Tell you my first memory of you.
4. Tell you what pokemon you remind me of.
5. Ask you something I've always wondered about you, and your answer has to be as vague as possible to keep the suspense.
6. Tell you my favorite thing about you.
7. Give you a weird nickname
8. Tell you what's on my shirt right now.
9. Challenge you to post this on your journal.

Was tagged by the ever-loving  Kame-Sama88 hehe, thanks hun!

1) Choose one of your own characters.
2) Make them answer the following questions.
3) Then tag three people.
4) Feel free to add some questions of your own.

Character name: Cynnamin Damascus Grimm.... the middle name changes every time.

1) What gender are you?
Hermaphrodite

2) What is your age?
About seven, though that's comparable to twenty five human years

3) Do you want a hug?
Sure, but grope or grab and you'll pull away stumps

4) Do you have any bad habits?
I tend to belch loudly when I've eaten well.

5) What is your favorite food?
Honestly, I love food in general, its amazing.

6) What is your favorite ice-cream flavor?
I prefer lemon sherbert... mmm... so sweet and sour~

7) Are you a virgin?
uhh... nupe! Though I don't think that's much your business.

8) Have you killed anyone?
Yes, unfortunately. Many didn't deserve it, but they weren't in control of themselves either.

9) Do you hate anyone?
Generally speaking, I dislike people who think others can or should take care of their problems.

10) Do you have any secrets?
I'll never tell ~<3

11) What is your favorite season?
I absolutely love snow, so winter is my season.

12) Who is your best friend(s)?
Hmm... best friends are Maloo, Taki, and Kamesama. My mates are... well... I'll let you figure out! <3

13) What are your hobbies?
I love cooking food. I also love playing games. Writing stories comes in third and I hope I become good enough at it that I can make a living off of it.

14) What is your favorite drink?
I love tea, especially raspberry tea.

15) When is your birthday?
That's something you'll never get out of me unless I know you.

17) Are you nice or mean?
Hmm, I think I'm mean... I'm not good at rating myself.

18) Do you have any siblings?
hehe, I've got a few :D

19) What do you think of your parents?
Unfortunately, Frenn don't know their biological parents, so I can't answer that question.

20) Do you like your school?
In a way. It taught me a lot, though its full of utopian idealists. Its really sad that many will have those dreams crushed by reality.

21) How long can you stay under water?
Indefinitely, one of the advantages of having gills. It also lets me help out people who might drown when trying to do the same *looks at the one who tagged hir*

22) Do you have a mission in life?
Uhh... try to be happy, to do the right thing? I don't really know, I'm just trying to live my life, yanno, find out what I want then pursue it.

23) Do you love someone?
Oh yes, and I do so hope they know who they are... lest they suffer the wrath of tickles *flexes hir fingers*

24) What's your favorite band?
Honestly I love Potato Angel. You probably haven't heard of them, but that could be because they mostly do covers.

25) Ever worn a dress?
Yes... and it was quite uncomfortable. Things... tend to get in the way in clothing that light.

26) Want to have kids?
Hehehe, yup!

27) Favorite videogame?
let's see... I dug out Doom from my old archives, beat it in two days... but the old copy of Neverwinter Nights a friend grabbed for me is still the best game I own. I love to tinker ~<3

28) At night...?
I sleep... ah... have to wear... things... to keep myself... clean...

29) Ever kissed anyone?
Da.

30) What's your favorite thing to touch?
hmmm... I love the feel of leather, and I love silky fur. Squishy things are also quite fun, as are things that are supple.

31) Anyone love you?
I hope so. Would be a little sad and lonely if nobody did...

32) What's your favorite color?
I love blues, reds, greens, and silvers. Hell, paint me a rainbow and I'll be happy.

33) When was the last time you cried?
Last night... bad dreams.

34) Do you have a pet?
I've got my ink... sometimes it congeals and comforts me.

35) Are you mad(crazy)?
Possibly, but what isn't in this world?

36) What are you?
Surprised you didn't ask this before. I'm a Frenn, an amorphous being with a core capable of limited formshifting.

37) What color eyes do you have?
Honestly, my eyes are a prism reflecting all colors and have no pupils or whites. However, they're regarded as gemstones on the black market, so I hide them as either normal blue eyes or solid red eyes.

38) Choose: ninjas (stealth) or pirates (rum)
Fuck both, space marines!

Free Arts!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1583742/