DamianVertigo's Journals -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

This was a long time coming

Posted 3 weeks ago

I’ve been feeling pulled apart lately, and I'm thinking about what to do.
I’ve spent a lot of time on other people’s issues.
Just to land on the decision to burn the bridge for my sake.
I’ve spent years thinking about how to rewrite a friendship I lost due to circumstances beyond my control.
Bending over backwards to make shit happen.

Whether that shit is to take time out of my busy schedule, collaborating or trading.
Making time to talk, draw together, game, what have you.
This shouldn’t take a toll on you, normally, right?
That’s basic.
That’s friendship, right?

There are only so many times you can hear, you’re not a part of someone’s life, despite being there.
A time where you give an ear and see someone through their problems, just to be pushed aside when your turn comes around.

Reciprocation is the bare minimum.
It’s not always material, nor is it always expected, but it’s a punched ticket to show you matter.
That you’re respected.

You can only do so much for someone to rationalize their pain as cosmic intervention.
Never really reflecting on other people's issues and limitations, downplaying efforts to appear as the victim.
Warping the narrative from an exhausted friend doing their best to a flakey liar who hasn’t made the effort.
Suddenly, the people you shared your time and respect with are villains.
Suddenly, all the time you gave them meant nothing.
“We’re not even close,” but you’re constantly reminded of the people who’ve replaced you.

People you’ve never even given a chance to be a part of.
Despite the weight on your shoulders, you moved for them.
You played their game.
Cause you cared.
You really believed it would change, and hope while you’re struggling to keep afloat.
You’d be Reciprocated for your love.
For those warm feelings.

Just to be told, you’re a hypocrite prioritizing your own health.
Hearing how bad their life is for years but your fridge is the one going empty.
You’re the one who's starving, but you’re still get up to help lift that weight just for them to kick your legs out from under you.
A delusion that the love you put in, despite your pain, despite your starvation, despite your stress, you still gave them your time and love, and it wasn’t enough.

You’re still wrong for trying, you’re still wrong for asking, you’re still wrong.
The fury in my heart is immense, and it’s a sign of love.
For myself.

Respect for myself.

This is a long intro to say I’m putting commission and patreon rewards on hiatus for a few months.
If you’re in the higher tiers, I recommend you lower it for now, but if you remain, know that you’re lifting a great weight off my shoulders.
I can’t describe my gratitude in these tiring times.
I’m sorry I can’t afford to refund commissions, nor am I able to make good on my rewards for this month or the following next.

I’m also privating my other account under the old banner, the whole DV banner is nothing but compromised vision and placating to a version of myself that I don’t care for.
You wanna find me, It’s Chankup or ChankyYaBoi. Check the linktree for where I am.
https://linktr.ee/chankup

I’ve searched online for extra work only to receive crickets.
I’ve applied to local shops to get dead silence as my reply.
I am using my passion as my soul income, and it’s draining to say the least.

I feel an intense weight trying to pick up the pen, and it’s infuriating to walk tall with such little grace given from my compatriots in this community.

I can’t stand gooners pulling moral ranks when I’ve done everything I can to survive in these spaces despite the toll it’s taken on me.
Perverting my vision for the instant gratification of onlookers, only seeking as much depth as the inches they can fit in.

I’m betraying myself by making compromises.
So I’m going out with a bang.
I am focusing on getting back to my work, MY dream, my hopes and goals.
Enough planning and polishing in the background, I want to make what I love clear.

My girls mean so much to me; it’s not fair that this is the extent of my self-expression.

If you’re able to help keep the lights and the fridge full, my patreon is here.
https://www.patreon.com/c/chankup

And if you can’t cause…times are such shit right now, man, the job market is sparse as hell, and no one is hiring around here.
Know that pressing the retweet, reblog, or share button helps too.
It helps my work get out there and helps me survive in this climate.
I’m gonna dedicate time to drawing my own worlds and divulging every detail.

It’s gonna be a lotta care and a lotta time but I need this to keep myself sane.
No sacrifice is worth silence.

Thank you for listening.

2 Comments | View Journal

Update

Posted a year ago

Personal Health:

Imma keep it a buck with you all.

I’m focusing on myself for this week.

Monhun beta is out, Strive switched up oh my main works, and I wanna take a minute away from streaming to indulge before I crash out again.

My bois [and girls I know you in there] are patient, I know.

I’ll still be drawing, but I'll focus more on myself for a bit and keep comms at arm's reach till the following stream date.

That said tho…https://www.patreon.com/posts/115264624?pr=true

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This was a long time coming

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Rekindling

Streamin tonight

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test stream

Comm's open

December rundown

Adopt collab

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Auction On twitter

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personal update stuff

Selling Adopts Again!

FUck i'm tired

It's me F-list staffer

OY Doing an auction!

Gonna sell a catgirl

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