Things have truly been going downhill in my life and these last few incidents are proving it. I'm on the verge of having one of my(what seems to be a yearly thing for some reason) breakdowns, which may or may not include violent outbursts. Figures too. Some asshole on telegram once told me "people like you are just misunderstood" and I couldn't agree more. My "friends" seem to be keeping their distance, or blowing me off all together, now things with my mate are rocky as fuck, to the point where even saying "hello" would set things off :'( because of everyone's lack of understanding their friends/family people like me are more victums than bad people. "For every action their is an equal reaction" is a Newton law. Friends ignore friends, especially long term, how does everyone think those friends will handle it? People like me do not handle that added stress well at all and it causes us to do stupid shit. But *shrugs* no one things about others much any more. Like the MLG players in video games life is about "me me me me" and it makes the world so cold.

There was a lot to say and I appreciate everyone who read this. Like my other journals take this with a grain of salt and don't over think anything, just know this is my only way to vent without slamming my head into a brick wall :p

Another "depressing" journal from me I guess? 1st one in oh months? Anyway yea again doubting weather or not I should stay in the fandom. Seems no matter what I do even apologizing gets me attacked. What's worse is no one comes to help, it happens on social media like telegram and kik and on FA as well. Some friends are very supporting, the rest just blow me off or ignore me. Anyway I recently "upset" an artist without knowing it. I commented on his style, saying it reminds me of another of my favorite artists style. He seemed cool and chill at 1st but then the 2nd or 3rd note was just hurtful and nasty, completely uncalled for. He pretty much said "leave me alone and don't ask for commissions", not those exact words but close. 2nd time it's happened. 1st time a different artist just out right blocked me, no reason to because I never did anything wrong. This 2nd time was out of the blue. Why is this fandom going to shit? Is it just a "phase" to keep up with those edgy meme lord douch bags?

Looking for artists who do fatties and are open!! If your open and draw fatties please note me!!!!

So I recently got my PayPal running and I'm looking for artists who draw fatties or inflated furs. If you happen to be open for commissions and love drawing fatties or inflated dragons send me a note? I'm uh looking for NSFW artists, just uh be warned :3

so as a heads up this is going to have some serious stuff it that's very heavy and might not be liked by most. read at your own description(or risk)

over the last few months, close to last 2 years i think? i've been going through a lot of emotional "drama" no matter where i go. online(xbox and other video game places) online dating sites(Ferzu in this case), telegram/kik, family issues, and now, legal issues. these past few months or years have been the worst for me. i feel like i'm being singled out no matter what i do or say. people just don't appreciate open mindedness(yes i am very open minded) these days and expect you to go with the flow. you get into a heated chat thread or say your own opinion and suddenly it's WWIII and your the enemy! everyone just stabs and stabs and stabs you until your name is slandered and everyone you like around you just ignores you and slanders you further.

i have been trying my hardest to just be myself. the kind, caring, loving, bit fat dragon known as Moeru-Ai(burning love in Japanese) but like me irl in the furry community he's been getting nothing but hatred and slander. i know what some are thinking, "they don't deserve your attention" and your right. i know that those who slander or try to mock me aren't worth my time. but you know what? the dragon of burning love loves everyone equeally and gives everyone a chance to like me in return. but no. instead i get slandered, deemed monster and other hurtful names(not going into detail but message me if you want to know)

so back to what's been going on. you might have read awhile ago that i was in a car accident(i slid on black ice and rear ended someone)? i'm still paying that off little by little. the accident wasn't my fault, even the officer who arrived at the scene said their was nothing i could do, yet i have to pay over $2,000USD for it!! so that's that

next *sigh* i'm going to get chewed out for this........ i might be going to jail next month in June(those who know about this KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT PLEASE???) after my court hearing. i'm not going into details, but it was bad. bad enough for serious jail time. nothing like murder or robbery but as bad if not worse(based on your personal morales). needless to say my emotions have been far from "stable" these past few years or months. to be completely honest with you all these recent events have been making me think of taking my own life. just ending it all. either stabbing myself, slicing my throat open, jumping off of the balcony, or just getting hit by a car. or you know, Clorox bleach.......

those who know me personally, you know i'm not a bad or terrible person. i make mistakes, big ones, yes. but nothing for serious jail time. mental institutes? yes, personally i think that would be best for me rn because of my mental state. i've never asked for any of these things to happen to me. i tried to controll them to the best i could but it wasn't enough. because of my kind hearted and caring nature i just cannot handle this stress rn, and in the furry fandom/community neither can my sona self Moeru. soon i feel like he'll die, and with him so will i. i spent years making him into a part of me and he's become that part of me that i care about the most. he's not just a fictional piece of fiction for my sexual desires. he's more than that. he represents who i am as human being deep down inside.

through out this whole ordeal i feel like most of my friends have abandoned me. both on telegram kik and irl. while in the NH telegram furs group word spread about what i've done, my "friends" who knew me pretty well(or so i thought) turned me in to the admins. soon i was kicked. funny thing is though? the main admin of the NH group, he was hitting on me before he banned. yup. talk about a big "FUCK YOU", talking about mates and stuff. next thing i know "your getting banned". this hurt, a lot. most furs in the group know i'm not some sick or twisted or bad terrible person. i just make stupid mistakes that's all. the absolute worst feeling? ISOLATION. i thought i found a home, thought i found a place where i could be my self. but i was wrong. terribly wrong. kicked, then friends started ignoring me and blocking me. i know what i did was bad, and if your in the telegram group and your reading this. i hope you fucking burn in hell. backstabbing your friends like you did to me makes you lower than dirt and for the few times in my life i actually "HATE" others!! truly hate them. because of them and their sense of justice or duty i was kicked from my home. being kicked from the group makes me feel like i can't live in my own hometown or state. and you know what? that's worse than going to jail, worse than others disowning or slandering your good name and your friends leaving you. feeling like you don't belong in your own home that you've lived in your whole life. for these reasons, i hate you guys in the NH fur group. no one, criminal, misguided soul, should feel isolated like this in their own home.

phew. that was pretty deep stuff huh? well thanks for reading this(even if you didn't read it thanks for skimming through my page ^~^). i greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this. i know i'm not on FA as much, i know i haven't spoken to most of you in ages and i'm very sorry. i just needed to let you all know what's been going on in my life because your my friend(s) and i like to let you know how i'm doing from time to time. anyway have a good night, if you want to just shoot me a message and i'll respond as soon as i can ^~^

turns out a few people are upset or pissed i'm in a happy relationship with my big lion mate. one girl in particular keeps putting the blame solely on me. she was 16 when we 1st started talking so i waited until she was 17 or 18 to start anything serious. buuuuut someone else asked me 1st if they wanted to be mates, so i said yes and now it's 6 or 7 months later and i'm happy. but it's also making me sad, sad this woman who knows i'll love her no matter what happens thinks i'm a bad guy who picked my current mate over her. she's shy and very "sensitive" so i understand why she waited to ask, and i didn't want to pressure her by asking her 1st, i wanted to wait until she had the courage to ask me 1st. but alas it's too late, now she's saying i don't love her and she's not good enough for anyone. now i dunno what to think. i didn't do anything wrong. my current mate asked me 1st and she waited too long, and i waited too long as well but not on purpose. ugh this is the last thing i need is this BS drama. if anyone is interested in seeing the conversation message me on telegram and i'll send you the conversation?

oh and happy belated turkey day or thanksgiving everyone!!! i hope your turkey day was full of happiness and joy!!!!

am i bad terrible person? those who know me personally or chatted with me, do you think i'm a bad person? even those who don't know me too well? i've been going through a lot of drama these past few months and i cannot deal with this shit any more. i'm backed to a corner, completely surrounded, seems like my "friends" are abandoning me, and i've tried fighting back. but if/when i do fight i'm in even more trouble. i have no escape from this "drama" and it always starts with 2 people online on Xbox One. it's annoying. but regardless, back on topic :p

am i a decent person? i know i have my "moments" but that's my mental condition making me lose my "cool" most of the time. regardless in general, am i a terrible person? thanks :p

if you'd like to chat or RP with this huge fat dragon my Telegram is Fathungdragon :3

https://www.ferzu.com/Member#action.....NewsfeedGlobal

this is a great new furry dating/social site. i've been a member since before it went public and i love it!! i've already met so many great furies and some are close to New Hampshire(which is very rare)!!!! so yea go ahead and check it out if your into this sort of thing! but be warned, it's a sister/brother site of grommr, a dating/social site for big fatties so if that's not yppour thing than i'd ignore it. but feel free to check it out regardless ^^

people keep being asses and i'd like them permanently banned from Xbox live. long story short asshole friends just going too far every fucking day in game and i'd like them banned(or hacked if your one of those smart furs who can do that sort of thing). I've tried to save this rocky friendship from day one and they just refuse to listen. i'll post their names if your willing to help. again this is only on Xbox One so please help a fellow furry gamer out? we can talk details in notes or Skype if your interested in helping

i'm bored and i feel like RP. it can be casual, or NSFW, i'm ok with almost anything. note me if your interested ;)

Ok everyone, look at this post. if this is true, FA needs to pull their shit together ASAP!!! not to day, not tomorrow, not next week. RIGHT. NOW. i'm not trying to point fingers because i don't know if this is true or not, but if it is true, the Admins are purposely ruining this amazing site, like they no longer give a damn. again, i don't personally believe this is true(mostly because i DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT) but take this as a warning everyone

https://plus.google.com/u/0/1170347.....1nRDB91?cfem=1

1st the good news. i'm going on a date(at least i hope so) with ex boyfriend from here this Saturday!!!! assuming he's still free and depending on if i get the car depends on what we do. either way i'm very excited about this Saturday!!! i hope he is too, he knows who he is :3

now the bad news, or the sad news. i still think about that certain green dragon-hybrid, the one who broke our friendship of over a year for stupid grammar crap? i said some things and so did he, but i'm the bigger dragon and i've apologized several times for what i've said and he's still being a damn bitch by ignoring me. to sum up how i feel(both towards him and about the situation) i found this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsKbwR7WXN4 it might be cliche but it sums up how i feel about our argument pretty well

yet more people getting pissy at me for their own fucking faults, again over the most retarded shit. certain furs again keep thinking they can get away with starting shit with me and ignore their own mistakes. talked to someone about the CoD BO 3 black market weapon, the new MP40 thing? not sure what it's called but it's an MP40, asking if he had it or not. he started mentioning how theirs a "chance to obtain it through black market packages". i kept telling him i know this(i'm a rank 50-something) and he got pissy because i kept "interrupting him". BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. ASSHOLE. HE kept interrupting ME. i simply asked if he had it or not, than he kept explaining how it's obtained. i kept saying i know how CoD works(I've played every single one except the original on PC) and he's calling me a dick and crying to his mate about it. really? your so pathetic you expect your mate to help you right your wrong deed? what a piece of shit.

think i'm done now. i'd post their names, but again, i'm not one of "those" people

i'm looking to move out of my parents place(again) but i'm looking into moving in with another furry who has or can spare the extra room. so, which state has the biggest furry population? or do any of you have the spare room for a dragon fur or are looking for a live in mate? if so just let me know so we can chat about the details ^^

after a month(or longer?) of waiting i finally got it in the mail. my B.D toy i've been waiting for. just rrived in the mail! i'm just waiting for privacey to open it up and give it a "test run" ;)

as some of you might know i got my kik working again. now i'm just re-adding my contacts. if you have a kik and would like to add this scaly dragon my kik is fatdragonlover we can chat about anything/everything. i also love RP, all kinds, so that's doable too. message me if your interested ^^

i'm thinking of downloading it from the Google Play store on my phone. i hear it's like Skype, only better? what are your opinions? is it worth getting? is it like Skype or something else?

yup, you heard it. this fatty dragon got his phone working. including my kik!!!! if you wanna contact me through kik just note me or message me and i'll tell you ^^

does it? seems like no matter what i say or do i'm turning into a villain, which I've been trying to explain through notes i'm not, that i'm merely "misunderstood" and people take what i say out of context. i say one thing and they think it's mean, nasty and hurtful. very frustrating how people turn on each other like this and it makes me shake my head at us humans in the world. this fur http://www.furaffinity.net/user/eriborn/ is one such person. someone I've known for a awhile, over a year, i think? maybe two years? met her through some other sites and we have a lot in common. needless to say we've been having a "falling out" and like a little kid instead of solving our differences she's doing the whole "blocking" shit. seriously, "blocking" or "ignoring" people NEVER solves the problem, it only "pauses" the issue.

any way i saw on her page a few weeks ago that her nieces school had a shooting? or was it her cousin? i can't remember. anyway she's pissy and pouty because i took her message from Skype wrong. she claims i'm a "grammar Nazi" when i mentioned proper punctuation so no one misreads her message(s) like i do. every. time. really gets on my nerves when people think i'm being an ass when i'm offering advice. those who have known her much longer than i have are used to her messages and know what they mean. i somewhat understand. when she makes more than one sentence though.... >< it feels like it's one sentence, making it hard to read and i misread it, causing issues.

back to my point(sorry, kind of rambling or venting right now ><). i've tried saying sorry, nothing more that i can do. can't walk to her front door, hug her and say "it won't happen again". so does saying sorry actually mean anything these days? does being "nice" and "kind" really mean anything? we live in an age where little 5 year old's can call you a cock sucker and get away with it, with no parental punishment. so is it worth saying sorry to people you've hurt? i don't know any more, i honestly don't. maybe the world is better off being destroyed, and everyone and every thing being destroyed with it :'(

yet another friend ditching me over stupid game shit. ponyboyyay on Skype constantly adds and removes me over the dumbest shit on Xbox Live and it's frustrating. he constantly plays with my "emotions"(i'm surprised i have any of those left) by saying he loves me one minute then deletes me the next online. we've been friends for years so we know each other pretty well, he knows i'm nice and caring yet he keeps this up? it's frustrating and annoying to think someone you've known for years thinks of you as a jerk. i didn't do anything wrong. i joined a friends game to play a raid in Destiny, it was full until halfway. i tried inviting him now but he deleted me online. nothing i could do, it wasn't my game so i couldn't boot people and have him join. not my fault. now i don't know what to do. he keeps playing with my emotions like a real ass and i'm at a loss. losing a close friend over stupid shit online? is this fair? i don't know what "fair" is any more, i just don't

like your the only person you can trust? like everyone else is just looking out for themselves? most of you on FA might not know it, but underneath this cold hard shell is a good person who cares about his friends and fellow man. despite all this love i feel towards everyone else i keep getting the short stick of things. i make mistakes, how can i not? i'm only human, and afterwards everyone i know and care about treats me like a 3rd wheel, like i'm a burden than anything else. even "friendly" furies on my friends list treat me like a 3rd wheel these days!! those here on FA who THINK i'm as ass or an insensitive ass, THIS is why. shit like THIS, is exactly why i'm so bitter, i try to be nice, help people out, and i get the cold shoulder treatment. i feel like i'm truly on my own in the world, like i'm the only one i can rely on in my life. makes me really hope the 2nd coming of Jesus is real, so i can laugh at all the asses he'll kill off. i know i'm one of them, but you know? he'll kill those who've wronged me and hurt me, so i wouldn't care about dying, i'd be happy knowing their dying with me ^^

so, yea. just random funny vids i found on YouTube awhile ago about furies hopefully you'll enjoy them as much as i have ^^
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Dyqas6Sm8

i recently bought a toy from Bad Dragon, and it's been over 3 weeks since i've placed my order. has it taken this long for yours to arrive if you also got a BD toy? or are they just slow in general?

i'm broke as hell and i'm still jobless so i have to save what little money i have left until i find work. it's not much money either, $40, IF that at all :'( but any way, those furies who have seen it, how is it? i hear amazing things about it and it looks amazing :D

also on a lighter note i'm feeling a little better, not much but enough to not be in a pissy mood to day ^^