Blows off dust on Journals. Hm need to write in these a little more often.

To the exciting news on hand, hoof or what ever that wriggly appendage is. I'm now legally a woman! Just got my amended birth certificate in with my corrected gender on it. My excitement levels are really high! I rarely have good news it seems but this is one I cant help but shout to the world. Now to go and correct a mountain of other paperwork and identification stuffs. Excitement abound!

Well saddly I missed AC but with what I still owe people would have been a slap in their faces to go. Ive got a new job, my transition is still moving forward and Im 1/3 of the way paying people back. So things are in a general upward direction.

So I just got a tattoo. Supper happy with it. If you look in my scraps over here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12132519/ you can take a look. Will take a better picture and reupload once it is all healed.

So you may ask Why a cutie mark, why dj pon3? if you havn't well here are the answers to questions your not asking anyway.

Why a cutie mark? Well for me the whole idea of them is fascinating, finding something you excel at/enjoy/inspires you marks you. With MLP it marks them so everyone can see. It also helps gives them some guidance. Sometimes you dont know what your good at since your too close to the subject(yourself) and it is occasionally hard to step back and see what is amazing about yourself. The show even helps show the audience this with the cutie mark crusaders who do all sorts of adorable things to try and brink out thier own marks, but usually they fail and go back at it. The times they have succeeded tremendously have shown us a glimmer of who they can be what may mark them. For me its a bit og a guidepost towards something I want to achieve toward being a person I want to be. We dont have the kind of magic that defines them, but we have boundless possibilities. Sometimes we loose track of where we are going.

Why DJ Pon3? Well in recent images I posted from stuff I commissioned a year ago, you can see the theme of me becoming twilight sparkle. Out of the main cast she is the one I can most relate to. That is not who I want to become(all powerful with magic yes, introverted- and socially clueless no). I am already alot like her, I read alot, I know enough of a wide variety of topics and what I dont know I love to research. Sometimes having too much of knowledge can be bad as you can end up looking condescending towards others. That was my defence in school. I couldn't make friends so I through myself into knowledge. Didnt gain me any happiness, just alot of heartache. I eventually decided to pursue a differnt path break away and just be who I wanted to be. This thought opened up avenues of art and self expression I had denied myself prior. I started to gain friends. I was so damn happy. I wont go into it but I left that path and well Im back to the bookish person I was. For me DJ Pon3 is a character who is outgoing, artistic and not afraid to be herself(all this is me thinking what kind of person would dj, the use of those glasses and the little things of her in the background). I want to move towards that again.

So yeah there you go answers to questions you may or may not have had. Feel free to ask any others bellow.

Hello again folks! Seems I only think to write these things when I'm reporting crappy things. For me these help me on multiple levels one I can look at events with some clarity as I type them up, and two I get some release from the things I am bottling up. Well this one is a mixed bag. So lets see here what has happened.

Last thing I reported was shit with my job and how I almost quit due to their policies with trans employees(they had non and kinda forced me to quit but changed their minds and im still working there). That was back in August when all my problems happened. So I'll list the problems what they trickled down to and list whats going on now.

Back in July I had one of my roommates move out due to just prior his girlfriend moved in and made our life hell. Before the hell it was looking like we would be saving a ton on rent and utilities which for me is amazing. What with all my out of pocket medical expenses(more on that in a moment). Rent and utilities was going to go from a 3 way split to a 4 way. Well she was bonkers crazy and decided that now with thier relationship being 1/2 the people living in the apartment they had majority and could dictate how we would live how everything would be handled in the apartment. Neither one of them were on the lease- me and my ex-girlfriend were on the lease. So after a few arguments and alot of nasty things said about me and my lifestyle they moved out. when they did so there was some unpaid bills and now the matter of me finding someone to pay rent. Took a month and I still have not seen the bills paid. All in all I lost almost a paycheck worth of money from that(will point out I get paid every other week). That set back other things more on that in a moment.

The timing of this was bad. I know the market trends of the region and this was too late to get students from either college interested in moving to our apartment despite its cost. On top of that was doing full disclosure and letting all prospective people know I was trans. Eventually got one a month later than Id have liked and due to that well I overlooked a few things. Got him moved in and such with him came two ferrets and another cat. Well shaky start of him being late with all money matters- chalked this all up to the shit he was also having to pay off closing all the accounts of his old place. But he is still late with everything.... On top of that he rarely cleans out the litter for his cat, or his ferrets. Dishes well I end up cleaning all dishes in my apt.. why? Well due to me wanting clean dishes to eat or such. No dishwasher so all needs to be done by hand. and when others dishes are in the sink you loose interest in cleaning yours till thiers is in the way and it piles up till you NEED to do it and than you just do it all as who can tell anymore whose is whose... this is in part why I eat out too much as of late(another reason I'm bleeding out money). Well I didnt want to kick him out because of difficulty in getting him here in the first place, but now he is dating my ex.. so yeah.

Well things with my ex. She is sweet, would love to still call her my girlfriend but cant. She is not interested in women. Yeah we broke up due to me being trans, she liked me but as a guy, no interest in being with a women. I guess I can understand. She is super supportive of my transition. I stayed in a relationship with her far longer than I should have and delayed my transition knowing this about her) due to her needing someone to help her get back onto her own feet. Someone to help undo the years being made to feel like you have no self worth. She had her will broken and made to be reliant on others for any self worth. I found out she was not always like that and tried to help her gain back her independence. SHe is an amazingly talented person. No fucking lie, her art is phenomenal(she is working with D!sney now and she was praised by some people there), her horsemanship is damn awesome(she was praised by someone well known in the industry), she is an awesome geek(knows Tolkiens lore better than any two nerds combined) but she could not see any of this. She constantly thought she was shit. And this was beyond the normal artist though of I never will match what so and so can do or I can see my own faults that you cant.... No SHe honestly could not see any value in any of her talents. I'm happy to say she can now. that took time. But our breakup almost undid that... I told her when we broke up Id wait to date anyone till she was settled with someone. I was confident I wouldnt have to wait long there were a few people she had told me she was interested in but after learning a bit more about them decided against them. That was almost a year ago. Only recently has she started to date the new roommate. She is now on an internship w/ D!sney. while she is away she is paying her portion of the rent and I'm caring for her cat. Reason for the earlier mention of me cleaning after my roomates cat.

So at home I'm responsible for cleaning up after two cats(not mine), and cleaning dishes for two people(one is me). I dont own a pet of my own due to two reasons. One is the monetary reasons, at times can barely afford myself, the other is my work sleep schedule. I dont have time. But here I am taking care of 2 pets and one person more than I want. yeah...

Ok root of all evil time- money. I dont have a career job. But luckily I dont have a min wage one either. What this means is I have enough money to do things if I'm good at budgeting stuff out and could have a good amount of savings if I dont have crazy medical expenses- which I do. With my transition seeing a Dr is $200 out of pocket, bloodwork is another $200, medication is $60 a month. All out of pocket as no health coverage(all prior to new healthcare laws) was willing to cover either outright or due to this being a preexisting condition.... On top of these costs were laser treatments to remove facial hair off of my face(260 full face 120 for gotea area dependent on my availability of funds). On top of these costs were the normal rent and utilities, as well as feeding oneself. Well rent went up briefly and than utilities did as well... food costs went up as I wasnt cooking as often.... and so funds available for my transition lessened and than I stopped getting laser, than stopped seeing the dr.... and well meds got stopped as well. And while i could get the perscription was feeling depressed about it as I felt I was going nowhere with my transition and well what funds I did Have I used for things that made me happy- commissioning various artist. Now want to say here If any artist I have commissioned is reading this do not feel bad. Your art helped in keeping me sane and happy. My issues happened to not only be money.

Interacting with my friends. So in my area I do have people who are my friends. issue is I live near none of them, have no car(3-4 mile bicycle rides add up), and well my work schedule(all night) kinda kill my ability to hang out with some at times. All this with the fact that while they are all supportive none know how to help me at times when I need it. None understand what the whole transition is about. They understand as much as I can tell them. Some have tried. But it doesnt always prove helpful to me. Online there are people (mostly in the furry community) who have helped out or offered to help. Issue is I'm crap when it comes to online interaction. Getting better... but still am crap with it. Quite a few of you I'd like to be friends with, not sure who here considers me a friend. I have a hard time judging online interactions.

As some of you who met me at AC or have talked to me on skype are aware I'm trying to get back into doing art. Trying. For something that once brought me such joy and I had a decent knack at it is the source of one of my greatest frustrations right now. And before anyone mentions it takes YEARS to get good at art Im going to say I was there. I spent years getting there. What I was able to do was good, a few of you I have shared it with have said the same. Issue is years of inactivity left me with the know how but my hands are being stupid... the muscle memory is gone. So Im fighting an uphill battle to get back to my past... I'm painting miniatures but that is only does so much. I feel like they are paint by number more than anything, just I have an understanding of how to make the paint do more interesting things in that given space than others. Not alot of others just some. Just below the painting level to compete with it(some around me think otherwise but when you get into an art you can get a rough idea of where you are in the pack). Writing, well the ideas are there I just need more discipline. Well what I need is a studio space in general somewhere I can turn on some music and have a medium in front of me to work with. Thats what I need. Too many distractions in my apartment, too many things I need to do(cat and roommate related) and general blah feeling.

With my job letting me transition ive been growing out my hair has been fantastic really, been small steps toward reaching who I am... but been having trouble figuring that out. there are rough idea of who I am and who I want to be but thats it its just rough, the details are no longer there. I had a good idea before I started college but after that disaster(hint I dont have a degree and no longer attending) Im not sure anymore. I know that event was one of the things that has shaped up my current problems.... and sadly is my fault in part. I may say otherwise but the blame is not squarely outside of myself. Well I can go on that trian for a while.... this is long enough as is. But yeah self identity is something Im exploring and its a mixed bag really. I can reinvent myself and such. Just got to figure it all out. Along the transition related stuff is two issues Im having one is my voice. Remember the lack of disciple before yeah this hurts this area as I need to figure out a method of obtaining my voice and stick with it. Other might have support groups who you can work on this with someone or a friend who can help coach... me Igot a few nods online and a few people who told me I was stupid or had high expectations if Id like a tutorial that started at the basic level of voice training rather than from your falsetto voice you do this... I need to step my game up here. Just frustration is not helping.

Where am I going from here? Well working on cleaning up my life(more of an apartment clean than anything) and cutting back on extraneous funds. Transitioning allowed for me to be happier than I had ever been. What this means is for the time being I will be cutting back o how many I commission at this time. There are two big project who I will be paying, those will not be dropped and an ongoing sequence I will see to the end. Outside of these there may be one or two specials I may commision. I got a second job that will help with money concerns(already has back on my prescriptions), Im writing a bit more. And well hopefully all this helps on my mental outlook.

Soo last long Journal I had told you all that I had put in my resignation at my job. Well I just put in a letter to rescind that.

Day after I put that in I got a call during my last hour of my shift*, my boss wanted me to stay due to him being late and needing to talk to me. He never comes in during my shift, in fact no manger comes in during my shift. My fear was he was going to come in pull we fire you now kinda nonsense or something. Well sitting down he wanted some clarification about my letter and the reason for it. When I wrote the letter I listed my reason for leaving was due to pilling problems. I wrote it this way to help facilitate a clean break, to not put down on paper something that could later be used against them. While I didn't explain this I told him of several of the reason and re-clarified that I was a transexual and not a crossdresser.** After this he told me how the company just overhauled their employee handbook and updated alot of their policies to meet the standards set by laws in the state and etc. He told me they currently have a labor law lawyer on staff for this. He told me if I wanted, he could talk to his boss and the lawyer about me transitioning on the job. I find out now, that when my boss asked about this a year prior he only asked in loose terms, not giving names or making the point about a current issue. WellI told him tell the boss and lets see what comes of it.

Next night I come into work and get a message asking me to come in during the day(yay no sleep!) to meet with him. Okay. I go 5 hours after my shift and talk with him and the assistant manager of the property. Just clarified what had all happened prior to this point. Than we talked a little bit about law and how currently there are 6 cases in the state in which a trans individual is going against a place they worked at. 3 of the cases looked to be highly favorable for the trans individuals. Afterwards he told me that they were going to have the new not yet released handbook apply to me as their lawyer suggested it would be for the best. Now the big stipulation is neither say its ok for me to transition on the job, but on the grounds that currently it is classified as a mental illness of sorts that their is tons of things in the handbook about discrimination against stuff like that. Regardless there is one rule I still have to adhere to and apparently they were a little hung up on. Id have to wear the uniform provided. I looked at them, almost daring someone to laugh. UNiforms at our place have been backordered for some time and they were being disconinueed. New ones have been up for discussion for quite some time. They asked when Id be ready to be full time. I said two months. Partly due to time I think it will take me to get my voice right. They are cool with it all now. They just asked me if I wanted to keep my resignation with all that being said or to rescind it.

Easy decision, Job security + alright pay + chance to transition at the workplace out of the way > unemployed looking for a job. SO YAY!



*I work 3rd shift, no supervisor just me. 11pm-7AM.

**I have no problem with those who crossdress but from an earlier conversation it was clear he thought I only wanted to dress as a women.

So earlier I frightened some people on twitter; about something I did that has made me nervous. I put in a 3 week notice to my bosses letting them know I will be terminating my service with them. Reasons for this are many.

1)They will not let me transition on the job. Yes is this even legal has been asked even by the few co-workers who know. The answer is huge gray area where I live. I live in GA, but outside of Atlanta. where there are laws that would prevent these issues. GA is an at will work state. What that means is that you can be fired for any reason. Boss does not need to give you a reason. A year ago I had approached my boss about the lack of guidelines our company has concerning transgendered workers. This caused some talks with higher up in the local company. THey came back down to my boss and told him that they hired me as a male worker, so in order to keep my job I'd have to present as such. I held off my transition to keep my job(and due to other messed up things in my life) and 6 months ago I decided I needed to be happy with being me. I needed to be me. To stop pretending.

2)This leads to my second reason. Ive been living a split life, worried about going where people at my job could see me, afraid to leave the house, and than having to present as a man at work. THis has impacted me more and more, mentally and in my own transition. Ive been reluctant to start voice training due to possible ways it could effect how im perceived at work. I did not realize how badly my mental state had deteriorated up until the past three weeks. I have not had a real solid sleep, i've been listless and less productive than I have been in a long time. I have made several bad decisions recently that I know where complealty wrong.

3)I am most productive and creative the later in the night is gets(up to a point). Right now I work during my peak time. Yes there are some freedoms I have with my job tat will allow me to do some art at work, but the environment is ill suited and prone to many interruptions. My job has to come first during these hours. My job pays me alright for working these hours, but less than someone coming into my position who knew what they were doing. I came in with no knowledge of how to work in the hotel industry. If I got anther job like this I could be better paid to compensate for the lack of my own art time. Or I can get a job during day that will most likely pay less but that will open up time for me to improve my art and <fingers crossed> take on some commissions.

4)I have a Dr appointment I need to go to and have no time off that I need in order to go to it. Travel to and from the dr office and the window I can go to the dr line up to make it impossible for me to do so without taking a day off at work. SO I will be going after My last day. This has been a constant issue with my job, due to when is optimal for m to sleep and when I work, my ability to get things done has tiny windows due to business hours of most places. Due to nature of hotels they never close and as with most businesses they like to have as few people on payroll as possible. Me and my relief were the only people trained for my position, and well that made it next to impossible to be off at any given time. Hell I was the only one on my shift during those hours. Inflexible schedule made dealign with life events really hard.

5)Leaving my job at this time will not hurt me financially as badly as it could. August would have provided me with an extra paycheck, due to my timing I will be getting an half of a paycheck extra over what I have budgeted. This opens up a larger window for me to search for a new job plus the extra added incentive that I need it! But my other worry right now is that my plans all hinge on this exact date of quitting my job. My job can decide to have me quit earlier, or to fire me before that time(including now I made my intent known). They can do this due to reason outline in the first post.

So yeah I may be a bit of a mess. Thanks for letting me vent.


UPDATE
Well had a meeting(after I got off my shift yay overtime!) with my boss, took us a long time before he got around to to talking about my letter. He had it in my folder with other sensitive information he has kept on me. While talking he wanted clarification on certain points about my letter. the letter I wrote said I had to quit due to pilling circumstances. I wrote this so as to save face for him and the company. Well he asked me to spell it out. I laid down that me having to don a mask to go to work has started to cause me mental stress. Well he told me he could understand me needing to leave for that reason. I reiterated the whys and etc stating their stance to him. He told me the employee handbook has been revised and they had been working on it for the past four months. During this process the big company that owns our hotel(and thus sets all the rules and such we have to follow) currently has some kind of lawyer on staff now that knows all about these kind of things. My boss is going to talk to his(in the parent company) boss, and have the lawyer in on it. The plan is to talk about having me continue my work. Yeah positive I still get to work there if this pans out negative...why does a lawyer need to be brought in?

So AC was a blast. Sad I was only there for two days. Next year I will have to get a room and plan it out to be there for the full time.

Super big thanks to  lunarkeys for encouraging me to go.

 angrboda Introduced me to whole group of people I only hope to get to know better. It was a blast hanging out with her and

 blackshirtboy
 Therian
 Abe_E_Seedy
 Tharakaos
 Iffriel

You were all super fun to be around and now I will never see eye spy the same.

 catmonkshiro Super cool and taller in person. He was sooo busy every time I saw him. Yet again reminding me I need to find a way to meet most of these people outside of the con environment and just hang out sometime.

There are more people, so many more. A little overwhelmed about how many I met. I cant wait for next year.

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So looking to write some stuff for here. Just looking for inspiration ideas. Got one? Post it below. Next 5 posted will be incorporated in something that may or may not suck. As I never get any replies on these journal entries I will write up something based on your suggestion if you post on here.


Now to see if any of the 30-40 people who watch me even check my journals.