I got pretty cool presents, including a new phone (FINALLY!) so i'm pretty content. I made all sorts of fancy treats for christmas eve (Yeah I don't celebrate religiously the holiday of christmas but my family does) such as little puffs filled with italian meats and mushrooms and hot cocoa (not from the mix) I was pleased with all the results. My favorite present is probably a corgi stuffed animal that I got.

Hey I know this is pretty random but if anyone is interested in a free barn cat I have one to give away. He's around six or seven years old gray tabby. Fairly friendly but not a good indoor cat (sprays) is an incredible mouser and needs a home that can support his needs. His name is racer. If you're interested i've got pictures and so on.

I'm not very good,
I'm not very sweet,
and I need a hell of a lot of sleep

I don't always let you kiss me
But yes I adore thee
I don't know much about you,
and i'm shy around your crew

I talk about my ex boyfriend a lot of the time
and I usually don't answer my phone

I'm not that great, not that sweet
but I thought I'd get you a treat
Since being my boy is such a feat.

P.S. Sorry you can't share it with me

***That was the poem I put with the fancy chocolates I got my mate...I know its a sickeningly stupid poem but I have a feeling he'll appreciate it.

One of my cats peed outside my door and now everything smells awfully like pee. x_x

So I scanned stuff like I said I would...and I like the new scanner. I used the one in the office because I still can't figure out my printer/scanner *sigh* So i'm probably going to get a job at the local vet clinic I have an internship at, just answering the phone and stuff. I really need a job and i'll be able to deal with critters instead of working in fast food or something icky like that.

Holiday break coming up, and i'm so ready to just have a break. I'm really tired and plain run down. I'm over my cold just barely and just been crabby lately. Not to mention yesterday I got a migrane, and it still hurt today and I didn't have any more of my perscription medication. Suckage.

I swear printers are just out to make my life miserable. So I got a brand new thing, and everything that could possibly go wrong with it has ALREADY I can't install the software because its retarded or something. I'm to the point i'm about to blow it up or something, so i'm going to stop trying. I really wanted to upload my new art but my fucking scanner has other plans. *yells obscenities*

So my boyfriend/guy/person i've been seeing took me out to lunch. I'm not feeling very good about our relationship *sigh* its not like there is anything wrong with him, he's just fine. I'm just not feeling it. I figured it will just take a while for me to warm up to him but i'm not feeling any more attracted to him. I feel really bad to, because today I argued with him and was a total bitch to him. He doesn't really understand what sort of relationship I was ripped from just a few months ago and how touchy the subject is. I managed not to start crying though, I'm proud of the amount of control. I said sorry, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Am I just heartless now or something. Maybe its just too soon. Maybe I don't like guys anymore. I have no idea, but i've had a sour mood all over me for the past few days. Who knows why but its just slowly grating at me. I don't know what to do. It doesn't make it any better that every time I start to get settled again that jerk of an ex mate of mine does something to screw it up.

Maybe i'm just tired and all this is just my crab talking. I guess i'll go to sleep soon and just hope tomorrow will be better.

STEP ONE

** Make a post in your journal. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me" to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD" to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV." The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

** If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

** Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your journal, so that others can join in and participate to spread the holiday joy!


STEP TWO

** Surf around your friend list to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

** If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

** You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

MAH WISHLIST!:

1. A pembroke welsh corgi puppy (no I don't really expect you to get me one) preferably female

2. these slippers, size medium http://www.gaiastore.com/servlet/Detail?no=231

3. this stuffed critter http://www.gaiastore.com/servlet/Detail?no=193

4. any fox stuffed animal, especially arctic fox

5. Cute ribbons for my hair

6. giftie art of my character

7. this ear cuff http://pyramidcollection.com/itemdy00.asp?c=j&T1=P19295&GEN1=All+Jewelry&SKW=+jewelry&PageNo=6

8. this mug or something like it http://pyramidcollection.com/itemdy00.asp?c=g&T1=P39877&GEN1=All+Gift&SKW=+gift&PageNo=2

9. a song written just for me

10. a scarf, handmade or not

T_T so my cold just got worse, and my throat hurts so bad that every time I swallow i'm wincing. Not to mention if I cough or sneeze. I almost started crying after I sneezed today, it hurt so bad. :( i'm drinking all the juice and water in sight and taking that airborne crap as well as tea with honey. Why won't it go away? I want to be feeling good because i've been helping with surgery at the vet clinic, but its not very enjoyable when my nose is running and i'm 'sanitary' so if I touch my nose or anything i have to get new gloves. Which by the way is the hardest thing for me. Blood and guts, sure! I've been there and seen that, but not being able to itch...well thats a different story. I'm a very itchy person.

Still dating previous said guy. He's nice. I like him, and he's very nice to me. Though it sucks to start out having a cold, so i'm boogering all over him lol. I don't know what animal I should draw him as so I haven't drawn him yet. I would think some sort of silly dog or something. He's really tall, and thats hard to get used to. I have to almost stand on my tip toes to kiss his cheek >.< but with ordinary sized guys I supposed thats normal. I just dated a little shitty dick for a year (I give credit for that term for short guys with an inferiority complexes to my grandma) so I didn't remember that I am very short.

Still don't have a printer or photoshop on my new computers. I'm getting there just bear with me. I have a cold and I'm a busy person! Maybe it will get installed after the the stupid christmas season (I have to play christmas carols everywhere with quartets and so on) but then of course I think i'm going to Mexico for the break so I don't know when stuff with happen. I don't want to go to mexico *complains* there are perverted old men there. Hey it sounds like a fur meet! (jking jking) lol.

stolen from  arphalia

A - Available?: nope
A - Age: nope
A - Annoyance: rude people and vain men

B - Best Friends?: Ame bunni ^^
B - Bar: don't drink never have never will
B - Birthday?: November 6, and this year it was pretty terrible

C - Crush: I don't like being squised
C - Car: has the turning radius of a boat
C - Cat(s): six demons occupy my house yes

D - Dead Pets Name(s): well there's a lot of them, but i'll leave you with King Kiwi and Fat and Lumpy
D - Dad's Name: Phil
D - Dog(s): Max the aussie shepard/blue healer and maddie the black lab and I want a corgi

E - Easiest person to talk to: probably my gifted and talented teacher or my buddy bunni
E - Eggs: are from chickens buttholes
E - Email: marmot[at]mydurango.net

F - Favorite color?: baby blue and neon pink
F - Food: steak! and swedish fish
F - Foreign Slang: what?

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: gummibehren!
G - God: is a female
G - Good Times: hells yes

H - Hair Color: red brown
H - Height: 5'4" and never growing again.
H - Happy: I'm there most of the time

I - Ice Cream: mmm..ben and jerry's
I - Instrument: string bass, classical, oh baby
I - Idol: I am my own idol *shakes butt*

J - Jewelry: bracelets when I find small ones, lots of collars and necklaces, peircings
J - Job: none lol
J - Jokes: are pretty stupid most the time

K - Kids: are evil
K - Karate: i'm a ninja
K - Kung Fu: i'm a super ninja

L - Love: Good things never last, and people lie a lot.
L - Longest Car Ride: to icky dirty mexico
L - Lipstick or Chapstick: lip gloss!

M - Milk Flavor: plain organic whole milk. I like my fat
M - Mother's Name: Nancy
M - Movie Last Watched: The Illusionist

N - Number of Siblings: One
N - Northern or Southern: Northern?
N - Name: i'm tha spotty fox

O - One Wish: I wish people didn't lie?
O - One Phobia?: Spiders and big bald guys...oops thats two
O - Otter Pop: My roomate gave me one when I was crying once, and i've eaten a lot at one time

P - Parents, are they married or divorced: Married.
P - Part of your appearance you like best: mah hair *floofs it*.
P - Part of your personality you like best: I'm tha cutest little fucker that has ever lived, without being a kid

Q - Quick or Slow?: life is too long to worry about hurrying
Q - Queer or Straight?: I'm fine with straight people as long as they act gay in public
Q - Queen or King?: Democracy!

R - Reason to smile: music
R - Reality TV Show: I hate reality tv
R - Right or Left: left, I prefer my left even though I write with my right

S - Song Last Heard: Won't go home without you: Maroon 5
S - Season: winter
S - Series: Firefly or Buffy the Vampire Slayer

T - Time you woke up: 8:00
T - Time Now: 10:10 AM
T - Time for bed: Not even close

U - Unknown: where my brain is off to next
U - Unicorns: Are the best thing ever
U - You are?: a buttmonkey

V - Vegetable you hate: broccoli
V - Vegetable you love: green peppers, cauliflour, artichokes
V - View on Politics: Get them away! *cross with fingers*

W- Worst Habit: Letting people push me around
W- Where are you going to travel next: Mexico -_-
W- What's up?: snow

X - X-Rays: I saw one of a dogs shattered femur on friday
X - X-Rated: yay ^^
X - XYZ: no I try to stay zipped

Y - Year you were born: Goat
Y - Year it is now: 2007
Y - Yellow?: is the color of pee

Z - Zoo Animal: arctic fox
Z - Zodiac: goat? *baah*
Z - Zoolander?: is a good movie

I got tagged by mah brutha Tybalt

So now I gotta do this:
rules:
1 - Post these rules
2 - Each person tagged must post 8 random facts about themselves
3 - Tags should write a journal of these facts
4 - At the end of the post 8 more peeps tagged and named
5 - Go to their page and leave a comment telling them they’ve been ‘tagged’

And now to the main event

1: I am very small, about 5'4" and just little all over. I buy kids watches because my wrists are so small

2: I have a robe the same color as my character, and its very very soft

3: I really really REALLY want a pembroke welsh corgi, and I WILL get one eventually. I even have a background of one on my computer. Alas there are no breeders nearby and there are other aspects that restrict my getting one.

4: I love boots. Fuzzy boots. Not boots with heels because I never wear heels but just boots. They are nice and cozy.

5: I wore a scarf today.

6: I was born where it snowed in the summer

7: The best gift to give me is a stuffed animal. Forget a fancy bracelet(cause it won't fit anyways) or anything more adult. I love stuffed animals.

8: I love panties, and I have a VERY large collection. No you can't see.

And the Taggies are:
Ame bunni
Manda Tifa
I only have two because I don't have many friends on FA ^^

**************************************

So about my day. My cold is a bit better, and I just munched on cough drops all day. I went ice skating with all my buddies, and it was really fun. Except the part where I didn't want to wear figure skates and the only hockey skates were at least two sizes too big, so I just tied the laces really tight and now I have a nasty cut on the side of my leg from where they rubbed. And just after the thing like that I got on the front of my leg heeled from wearing snow boots that don't fit. Also I am now officially dating someone :3 he asked me while we were skating *squiggles* He's a good guy, so its good for me I reckon. That is all *bows*

Its making me feel icky. Its not a bad one but enough to drag me down a bit. I've been doing really well lately, i'm enjoying my school work(yes i'm one of those weird people that does that) and I'm kinda seeing someone. ^_^ its still not official but he's a nice guy, much better than that jerk I was with before. He's actually smart and is really nice. I actually met him the day after my birthday (if you didn't know my birthday was a total suckage and I cried half of it) so I was crying again and really upset when I was talking to my teacher. He didn't even know me and he spent at least and hour hanging out with me, and then walked with me to where i was going after school. My ex mate would never do that with me. He also went to my birthday party and took me to the movies (things my old mate would not do) and he's going ice skating with me tomorrow! Something I wouldn't even dare ask my ex mate to do, because he'd say no.

Anywho, I have a bunch of new artwork but I don't have photoshop yet on either of my computers and I still need to set up the scanner *is to tired to do so* which won't happen till I have the ability to enter my room without curling up on the bed and sleeping due to cold stuff.

So today I went in town and hung out with Ame. I had a lot of money that I wanted to spend on myself, so thats what I did. Mostly at a local toy store. Yes, I am at an age where i'm not supposed to like toys, but I don't care. I still love them. I also found another fox plushie (I collect them) as well as a watch that actually fits. I have very VERY small wrists...so it impossible to find a watch small enough. I found the coolest kids watch ever. It has pegasus and rainbows! I'm pretty thrilled. I also got a fairy garden *does a little dance* I also ate ice cream (even though it was cold outside.) An enjoyable day ^^ and tommorow is turkey day! And we're having guests so I get to show off my cooking skillz.

Would you think its logical for a friend to leave her best buddy for her ex boyfriend, and then when she gets upset be all offended as though its all her fault. THEN when she finally loses her temper about it is once again 'omg you are so stupid, this is all your fault and you know it' and stuff like that. Then when its obvious you two have gone your separate ways, you push nasty things her way once again posting it on her FA journal. She isn't really even a fur, or she wouldn't be one if I wasn't one, she just wanted to be like me. She wouldn't even know FA existed if it wasn't for me, and now she's thinking that people online are totally going to say how much I suck with her or something.

I blocked her, I don't even look at her, and i'm moving on with my life, and she has to keep bothering me. Saying I always look over at her and the guy i've been flirting with just is going to use me for sex. Like that totally wasn't what my ex boyfriend did. He didn't have those intentions at all *sarcasm* and thats why when I said I didn't want to anymore he broke up with me. Its so stupid because she doesn't even know him and she is saying stuff like that about him. I just wish she would move on and leave me alone like I did to her. Its easy, I was doing fine with it until I found out she's still not done pissing on my grave, so I guess i'll actually have to do something about it. Not to mention she still has my guitar and a whole bunch of my other stuff.

Why are people so stupid? I was her ONLY friend for so long. For years I gave her everything she wanted, and I cared about her before anyone else. Then for a year she knows my boyfriend who I really loved and he breaks up with me, and just to torture me more she decides that its somehow my fault that he broke up with me and hangs out with him.

*sigh* i'm just so ready for her to let me be. I'm leaving her alone. I don't even talk about her or anything. I just try to forget that she ever fucked me over. Why can't she do me one single favor and do the same.

Today something was different. Actually slowly its been different, every day its just a little stranger. The pain that was hanging over my head is fading, and last night I felt the last of it. I held a hand other than his. Something different. A warmer and much larger hand, a had that responded when I wiggled my fingers, unlike his. I felt a hand, not his, work its way through my hair while I drifted off to sleep. Yup ^^ even if its not a relationship that will last, or anything like that, he made me feel amazing again. I felt pretty, not ugly and ignored.

So it was my 'birthday party' only three people came lol. Its not that i'm disliked or anything, but all my friends do theatre and stuff like that. Oh and so I asked one guy who is a bass player, and he said that he had grandparents in town. And so I asked my newer friend, and he also wasn't going to come because his grandparents were in town. It ends up they're cousins LOL. I didn't even know that XD so that was pretty funny.

We made our own gummies (they tasted awful) and we just goofed around. Then we watched four movies. In other words we didn't get much sleep, though it was enjoyable even though I'm really tired. I rarely ever stay up past 11:00 and we were up all night. So I bet i'm going to be really tired for a few days. Right now i'm not that bad, it seems like I could take a nap and feel better. I set up my new computer *dance* so thats sweet. And today I have a bass lesson and possibly i'll be able to go to the symphony concert, cause I really want to go.

Today something was different. Actually slowly its been different, every day its just a little stranger. The pain that was hanging over my head is fading, and last night I felt the last of it. I held a hand other than his. Something different. A warmer and much larger hand, a had that responded when I wiggled my fingers, unlike his. I felt a hand, not his, work its way through my hair while I drifted off to sleep. Yup ^^ even if its not a relationship that will last, or anything like that, he made me feel amazing again. I felt pretty, not ugly and ignored.

So it was my 'birthday party' only three people came lol. Its not that i'm disliked or anything, but all my friends do theatre and stuff like that. Oh and so I asked one guy who is a bass player, and he said that he had grandparents in town. And so I asked my newer friend, and he also wasn't going to come because his grandparents were in town. It ends up they're cousins LOL. I didn't even know that XD so that was pretty funny.

We made our own gummies (they tasted awful) and we just goofed around. Then we watched four movies. In other words we didn't get much sleep, though it was enjoyable even though I'm really tired. I rarely ever stay up past 11:00 and we were up all night. So I bet i'm going to be really tired for a few days. Right now i'm not that bad, it seems like I could take a nap and feel better. I set up my new computer *dance* so thats sweet. And today I have a bass lesson and possibly i'll be able to go to the symphony concert, cause I really want to go.

Today at my internship I was getting ready to help for the pre-surgery for a dog neuter. They lead out the patient, who happens to be a 125 pound puppy. This english mastif was heavier than me by at least fifteen pounds. He actually went to sleep well, even though it was hard to get him onto the table. So I stay with the doctor and he begins the routine procedure. I do normal stuff like poke at the moniters and run to get him whatever he wants. The other two vet techs went to get a cat ready for being spayed. And the dog wakes up. Right in the middle of having his testicle clamped. So me, little bitty me, was holding down the front of his body with my life. I knew that the doctor was at a critical point and was going to continue, and if the dog got off the table or hurt him it would be my fault. Luckily after a few seconds I had the two other techs there to help me. It took three of us to hold him down and get him back to sleep again. Lol, that was an interesting thing. Massive dog. To say the least.

I'm having a party this weekend *does a little dance* sadly not many people could come so its going to be a small gathering. Today I hung out with this guy that I met at a costume party a few weeks ago, and have gotten to know after that. Nothing serious. Helped him with his little brother, both our parents work down town so we were hanging out there. Then I went to a bar and was the designated driver for my mom (LOL) I don't drink so I usually end up in that position, and always will since I never will drink. I don't smoke or do any other drugs, just so you know. I'm weird enough as it is lol, maybe taking acid or something would make me normal o.o Anywho, pretty calm friday. Tommorow i'll be cleaning (Blah) and writing stuff for honors english on my new laptop! Maybe set up my new computer too ^^

How no matter what sort of mood your in there is a song that relates to it. Or at least for me. And they always come when I don't expect it.

Started new classes, got the internship I wanted, flirted, made a bunch of new friends, don't hurt every time I look at my ex boyfriend.

Yeah, actually I feel sorry for him every time I see him now. Not that i'd ever EVER say anything to him about it, since he's pathetic enough as it is. He's so pathetic, that he does such things over and over. I flirted in the commons with this other guy. The typical not that smart but sweet football player and snowboard boy. Not really my type but he's nice enough. Its not like I have to marry him, we're not even dating. Just nice to talk to someone sometimes. I felt bad about the warm feeling it gave me when it looked like my ex boyfriend was abou to cry. Then I thought. Wait. He broke up with ME. Why should he be so upset? I dunno, but I DO like the feeling I get when I saw his face fall and this pathetic sort of misery cross it. Its funny. He left me. No matter what his excuse was, it wasn't good enough. If he really truely wanted me he would have pushed even the most risky situations aside or at least tried. Now the girl who would have spent forever with him feels sorry for him. He's such a sad little boy. He just lies to get people to like him, and pretends he's a wolf when he's really just a mouse, or maybe a cockroach. If there's one thing he most certainly is not, its a wolf. Its sad he's so fixated on it. So sad I laugh and cry. Come on. Sometime you have to grow up, no matter how much you believe your something inside. You're probably not. I'm probably not a fox inside, i'm probably a mean billy goat or something. We all want to be something we're not, and for the most part, honestly, thats what a fursona is. Not often do people show their really body type with their fursona, they're prettier than us, and have sex all the time. I know mine is hotter than me. But thats the way we want to be so we act that way. He just is pretty pathetic trying to defend his 'wolf' persona. He refers to it all the time. *shakes head*

So I went to ABQ(the nearest city to me) for a bass lesson as well as to get clothes and stuff, since my town doesn't have a mall or anything. I also had to get clothes for my internship. I got an internship at a local vet clinic! I'm so excited for Tuesday when I start. Anywho, I got a belt with flying pandas on it!! I also found some underwear that have a fox on them! So I was pretty thrilled. I wandered about their massive mall and went to Petsmart to get collars for my two kittens.

I'm thinking about getting a welsh corgi. I really need something to take care of and to look foreward to when i'm coming home. I bought a whole magazine about them, and they seem like a really good dog for my lifestyle. Though I don't know where i'd get one, since I live in podunk nowhere.

I also got sunburned x_x I was wearing sunglasses too, so you can just guess how that looks. Mostly my neck though, and it really hurts *whines* Right now I need to do my english homework, and I don't want to but I must, since its due on monday and there is no way i'm going to finish. Other than that, I don't think much has happened interesting. I think the fox underwear was the highlight of my trip.

So today was my birthday. It was ok, my friends were great and so were my parents, but the school was not. Its too long of a story to explain, and I certainly don't feel like explaining it, but lets just stay with I was treated like a troublemaker and much worse, and I possibly will be sueing the school for what sort of crap they did. If it ever EVER happens again then I certainly will be. To say the least some policies at the school are going to be changed very soon, because too many times my day has been screwed up by them. Crying on your birthday is a bad thing, and I did it. *sigh* but i'm glad the rest of my day was good.

Thats right! You guys got me all the way there. :3 So I need to draw my 1000 pageviews thankyou drawing. Alas, I do not know what you guys want to see. I'll draw pretty much anything you want. Give me your input! Whatever idea I like the most i'll give you.

So I was just browsing my own page on FA like I do when i'm bored, and I looked at the dates from my last about ten pieces. All two months ago. It made me think. Two months ago I was a girl with hope and love. I really thought that I had a mate who was caring for me truely and fully. It would never occur to me that he told me lies. I trusted him so fully I had no problems with one of our friends (who's a girl) staying over at his house after she experienced some crappy stuff. I still would like to pretend nothing happened, and maybe nothing did, but the truth is, two months later I knew a lot I used not to. I'm not as cheerful and caring, but i'm also not as oblivious and dependant. I used to leave school if my mate wasn't there I was so lonely, because I burned every bridge I had when I was with him, just so that it was me and him all the time. Now I know how stupid that was to do. Two months ago I was the girl who had never lost her temper and kept her thoughts to herself. Now I say exactly what I think and I say it in the manner I wish. I'm not sure whats better, both things seem a bit sad, but I didn't understand. I still don't, maybe i'm a bit to innocent for some of the things I did, or maybe i'm just oblivious and ignorant. All I know is a lot of stuff has happened to me in two months that I don't understand. Some I do, but I wish I didn't because those parts hurt so bad. Understanding that my mate obviously didn't love me very much, and I wasn't respected by him or his family. That hurts. So does knowing my best friend would rather be with him than me, after saying she hated him for a really long time. That really hurts. Knowing somehow i'm the enemy from all this, and not knowing why. Thats almost too painful for me to put into perspective. People keep saying one word over and over. Bitter. I'm a bitter person. I always have been? I never felt like a bitter person. Sure I may not have been as outgoing and willing to participate in goofy wild things. But thats just shyness. I feel like i'm overextending a part of my body when I do something really goofy and wild. I don't feel goofy and wild. I'm a little awkward and uncoordinated, and I don't want it to show any more than it has to. I never would spite someone for no reason, in fact sometimes even if I had a reason to be mean I wouldn't. I don't think bitter was the right word. Now I feel that I am a bit bitter. The truth is I don't want people to like me. I don't want guys to think i'm sweet, because I couldn't handle falling in love again and the same thing happening again. I know it would. I see couples in the halls and I know, that soon they will feel the encompassing pain. At least one of the two will be hurt, and they will probably never speak again except ill words. There is not happy ending. Endings are sad and painful, because the close of something means it will never happen the same again. There is nothing sweet about the feeling I have. I don't even feel like its good to be free. I don't understand why such things would happen. I loved entirely and without doubt. I never told him lies, and I was myself. I told him the truth when he asked of it. I wish he could have just done the same. He didn't want to open up to me, and pushed me away. Now I don't know what to feel other than anger and sadness. 2 months ago I could walk up to the most handsome man I think i've ever met and have him hold me close and whisper in my ear. Now he isn't handsome to me, all I see is the ugliness and cloudy confusion of what he did. A sort of careless ignorance in his voice and his movement when he talks to me. As though he could do better things with his time. When I was the one that held him close when he was sad and laughed with him till our sides ached. 2 months ago I thought that life was simple, now it gives me a headache trying to figure it out. Two months ago I laughed with my old friend when I bought a unicorn pop and it looked so phallic that whenever I sucked on it we could help but laugh. Now I can't even look at her without feeling a similar feeling that I get from looking at my old mate. A rusty rubbing on my heart that makes it ache and a pounding of anger and misunderstanding cloud my head. A feeling that makes me not look unless I have to. A feeling that will never ever go away. Because I hurt in a way i've never hurt before, and they lied so much so I could never trust what they say to me again.

How I wish 2 months ago lasted forever, and how I wish it had never happened. Or I wish that it ended sooner so I didn't have an entire year before I was forced away from all that made me feel safe. I wish a lot of things, but wishing doesn't do anything. There is no way to turn back time or truely take back anything you've ever said. Thats whats sad about life. One person says forever and means it, and the other says it and doesn't. Someone always gets hurt. Its kind of funny how he said I would always be the one to falter and end it. How I was the one who would become cold and find someone else. Lose interest in his beautiful blue eyes and blond hair. Its funny how it was the other way around, and if it didn't hurt so much I would carry his face from when he was with me in my mind forever. Of course he doesn't look like that anymore. He doesn't always have the slight dimple of a smile on his cheeks and a shy glitter in his eyes. His hair is black and falls limply into his eyes, covering the constant glower that he holds. His hand are always in his pockets of chained pants and a hood always pushes his hair even futher down his face. He even smells different. The sweet smell of dogs and his cologne with a vanilla that is his natural scent and a cocconut or lavender of his shampoo is gone. All I smell is something strange and unhappy. He doesn't feel soft and supple when I hug him, as though he has died and went rigid. Why would he act this way if he was the one to push me away, and lie so much? That does not make me understand. I don't know how I look to anyone else now, but i'm probably different. I haven't destroyed myself though. I still try to smile, even if its fake. I still try a little bit to pretend that it doesn't bother me that he's watching me as I lean against the wall and try to drown out the chatter of people with my music, or laugh at someones dumb joke. I don't wear the same pants every day that aren't even mine and don't fit. I wouldn't even wear the pants of someone who had really screwed up and did something unforgivable. Obviously the guy was forgivable enough to wear his pants. I don't understand him. More than I don't understand anything else, he vexes me the most. And the funny thing is I thought I did, and I thought he was just a little complicated. But he wasn't what I thought, or he became something I didn't think existed in him. All I can say is I don't understand much anymore, and it hurts to go on but it hurts even more to stand there and wonder why he looks so sad all the time.

Two months ago I never would have written this. Two months ago, I was a different person. Two months ago I understood what I wanted in life.

Now isn't two months ago.

So for once in my life I lost my temper today. And people are all like "OMG you totally blew that out of porportion and there was no reason to get so angry!" but really, there were very very good reasons. I certainly couldn't expain it all here, but a lot of people hurt me and pushed me around. I certainly don't regret what I did at all, it felt really good. And yeah, my coward ex friend couldn't even say anything to my face. Couldn't say a thing. Sure I said something really nasty but what happened to actually saying something back or defending yourself? Guess she doesn't have any guts. My ex boyfriend did talk back, and its really pathetic how even when all of his lies are exposed he lies again. I spat on him, and almost punched him. The only thing I feel bad about is I probably scared the few friends I still have, but thats truely how I feel about those people. I hope they feel bad, because before this I would never even squeak in someones direction if they lied to me or something before that. One thing, only one thing of about fifteen minutes of screaming at eachother stuck. When my ex mate said that I was bitter now. Well duh, I mean, what did he honestly expect me to do after he broke up with me. After promising so many things and ruining it all. *sigh* I don't want to be sweet and kind anymore, I mean, just look how I am now. And its not because I love drama and want to be this way. Its because alll people ever do is hurt me. I thought that my mate was going to prove that wrong, help me heal after the relationship before him. I was wrong, nobody can really help me. Certainly not him. Well I don't have much else to say. Its my birthday in six days...I wasn't expecting to actually have one or get anything because of current events but suddenly there is no worries about unemployment in my family anymore. I don't want to sound greedy but I was sort of sad and dissapointed when I knew that I wouldn't get a single present or extra love (since everyone was fighting and too busy to remember my birthday) hopefully it will be a better day than I expected.

By the way i'm glad trinity was upset by what I said, because she deserved it and i'm not being to harsh and there is no way she or my old mate could possible care about me. I could die and they wouldn't care, and its good because I don't care about them anymore.

You know I never get angry? Seriously i've always been that cute little girl that just says 'oh thats ok' and would rather be sad than angry. I always let things go that I should have put my foot down on. I always forgave people who didn't deserve it. Oh yeah and not to mention let myself get pushed around. Well you know what, i'm angry now. Actually i've never been more angry in my life. And i've never been so on my own, and i'm glad. I hope everyone who has ever mocked me dies. I'd kill them myself if I got the chance. Yeah, and I don't want to ever love again, because all people do is hurt you. All they do is cheat and lie and steal like the worms they are. I've never felt so free, and you know what, I don't need anyone to do this. And i'm so fed up with people. They're so sad and pathetic. You know my best friend that was with my forever and we always got along decided she liked my ex boyfriend better than me. What is she kidding herself? She hated him for a long time, until I told her he wasn't going anywhere to make room for her, and then they were all buddy buddy. Of course my mate of a year (which is a long time for my age) who said he loved me, who took everything I had to offer (I mean it when I say that) and I gave it willingly. Broke up with me. No explainations. First it was 'oh well my dad made me do it and I still really love you and blah blah shit bullshit blah' and then it was 'oh well I'm so cold inside and i'm so sad, and I couldn't have a girlfriend anyways. I won't get one' then he did, hugging all over her and stuff. I bet he laughed when I cried about it. then it was 'pick yourself up, there is more to live for than me' and then now he just won't talk to me. Which is good, because nothing nice will come out of my mouth toward him. And you know what, good riddance. I'm pissed, and i'm ready to let it all out for the first time. If you get in my way then you better get ready for it.

Well I've found it easier and easier to cope without my mate. He hasn't been at school, and part of me wants to worry sick and the other part just says 'good riddance' I know that he was being pathetic and cutting himself (why he wouldn't need to since he broke up with me I don't know) but he passed out at school because of it. So stupid. But I haven't seen him for about a week. Makes it easier for me to forget about him, although he looked so pathetic every time I did see him I didn't feel too sad. Its not like he's enjoying himself without me. Thats the good news, I'm really feeling good about myself and he's missing out. I went to a party last night (amazing I know) I never go to parties. It was a costume party and I was Anna from Van Helsing. I threw together stuff to make my costume and didn't really plan it since i've been having a hard time and didn't have the time to make my costume. I didn't really know anyone there cept Bunny who I went with. It was fun though, I met some new people and acutally flirted *le gasp* for a while I was entirely incapable of even fluttering my eyelashes at anyone. I think it will take me a while till i'm good at it again. Anyways it made me feel good that I was able to have fun, when before I probably would have wanted to leave because I would get upset and miss my old mate and stuff. He would have never gone to a part with me anyways. Loser. So yeah, thats the good news, I personally am feeling better and slowly (very very slowly) am getting over that jerk.

The bad news is I have no money, not a single person in my house is employed and my dad is being a jerk to me. All he does is yell at me, so i avoid him as much as possible. He says really mean things though, so it doesn't make anything better. I feel kind of like its my fault and I want to help get my family back up on their feet. Alas I probably wouldn't be able to get a job and even if I do I couldn't support four people with a part time job. I know that my art isn't too amazing but I would be more than willing to sell my work and prints, as well as comissions. I don't have a whole bunch of time to work on them but I'd find time if you wanted them. *sigh* i just hope things will start looking up, since if they don't that would just really suck. Its really frustrating too, because its going to be my birthday in two weeks and I won't have a party or anything cause I can't afford it probably. Also I don't have any money to buy presents for other people who have birthdays coming up. To me giving gifts is a big part of having friends and family. Nothing expensive but I like to get things personal to them. I also will have to just mend my pants and stuff, since there is no buying of anything but food. My pants i'm wearing now are pretty far gone but i'm going to have to try to sew the hole in the butt, crotch and knee so I can wear them to school. Without a sewing machine I might add, since that broke a long time ago. Well thats all, I mean there's more going on in my life but i'm not going to whine to much. Just so people won't worry about me (don't worry seriously, i'll make it out just fine)

So I feel as though I should just say whats up. My mate left me, and I don't know why and I was horrified. I was severely depressed to say the least. It didn't help he started lying about everything too. Anywho, its not fair cause he gets the dog and everything else and i'm left with nothing and he won't even explain why. Not that it matters anymore, he blew it and i'm better than him and he just wants to be sad and pathetic. Other than that I have to go to a family reunion, i'm so excited *sarcasm* I hate my dad and don't like much of his family, so spending a bunch of time with them doesn't sound too amazing. Other than that, i'm not going to look for another mate for a very long time to say the least. I could write pages about how terribly sad I felt and all the terrible things he did but I'm not going to plague you with that.

I'm hot, he's not. He can go suck his boyfriends dick or get herpes from some slutty girl. If you think i'm being harsh...then bite me.

RULES:
1. Put Your itunes, windows media plyer etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name

If someone says "is this okay?" you say,
"i'm no angel" Dido

How would you describe yourself?
"I love my sex" Hypnotica (lol yes I do)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
"runaway" Cartel (Hopefully not)

How do you feel today?
"money bought" nickelback (thats stupid)

What is your life's purpose?
"Veridis Quo" Daft Punk (I obviously don't know my lifes purpose because I don't know what it means lol)

What is your motto?
"Dream a Dream" Captin Jack (yup I space out a lot)

What do your friends think of you?
"Freak Out" Avril Lavigne (aww that makes me sad)

What do you think of your parents?
"Breathe No more" Evanescence (yeah they bug me that much)

What do you think about very often?
"I wanna love you forever" Jessica Simpson (why do I have this song lol, I didn't even know I had it. Oh anyways, that is actually pretty true)

What is 2 + 2?
"Moonlight Serenade" Klaus Badelt (Lol, well I guess you could conduct it in four)

What do you think of your best friend?
"I never told you what I did for a living" My Chemical Romance (I suppose?)

What do you think of the person you like?
"Closer" NIN (rofl yeah if I liked someone i'd totally want to fuck them like an animal)

What is your life story?
"Grey" Yellowcard (I have a grey and depressing life?)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
"I write sins not tragedies" Panic at the disco (Oh looks like I want to be president Bush or a reporter...or maybe a romance novelist lol)

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
"Helena" My chemical Romance (actually true since the guy I like broke my heart already so the song fits I suppose)

What will you dance to at your wedding?
"Let me go" Good Charlotte (I'm supposing the marriage won't last? lol)

What will they play at your funeral?
"Berecuse" Francios Rabbath (so exciting...maybe they should just bring me back from the dead and have me play it myself cause I can lol)

What is your hobby/interest?
"warning" Green Day (yeah you! Get of the grass you'll fall in the mud and your face will land in dog poo!)

What is your biggest fear?
"Cure For the itch" Linkin Park (yeah, it scares me to death when i'm itchy)

What is your biggest secret?
"Its all over" Three Days Grace (my relationship with the love of my life is over, and i'm so over him!)

What do you think of your friends?
"Too long" Daft Punk (I think that they take too long in the bathroom sometimes)

What will you post this as?
"Mosh" Eminem (lol)