It's been a long time since I've been on let alone posted. I have been on a long road since and I can tell you that I am so happy to be back.

I'm grateful for ::Kingman:: (it's literally been a decade since I have linked profiles on here so if that doesn't work please don't laugh at me) who has portrayed me beautifully every time. He is cheap as fuck and I like the fact that he gives you a "PVC sheen". Check him out, you're bound to see what I mean!

Second, I want to acknowledge two losses, my son and my surrogate grandmother. It's not been a good journey these past 8 years but then none is. I hope that my boy is playing out in the fields as he liked doing in real life. And to my Grammy, I hope that you are making up for lost time.

Last, I want to thank someone who is not in my life anymore but that helped me a great deal. I miss them every day and wish nothing but the best for them. I wouldn't be here without them.

So I have stopped really paying attention to the site. I am still a fur and will continue to be, but now the ways that I express that are changing. I found my soulmate and he is not the nicest towards this lifestyle choice if you will, and I mean I am sorry, but I choose true love anyday and that is what I have found with him. So if I unwatch you I am merely doing it so I dont have so much to deal with each time I log in. Sorry if I offend, but this was never my intent to begin with, to end up signing up on here. My ex owner got me into the whole thing and then left me high and dry when he broke my heart. So yeah... Hope you all keep raving out to the furry beat and never stop being true to who you are, cuz I am not, just how I stay loyal now changes. Maybe I will see you all at an upcoming AC event!!!! Stay awesome and I found my hindpaws on this site, so I thank the ones who have had a paw in that.

I AM NO LONGER REALLY ON HERE!!!!!!!!!!! IF FOR WHATEVER REASON YOU WANT ME, EMAIL ME AT fruitlooprainbow@gmail. com, THANK YOU.

I stole this from  zanner in a moment of chaos, trying to perhaps gain a bit of perspective.....

Think back eight months ago, were you single?
yes, technically (i was in a long distance thing but it was one-sided and it was stagnant and so forth).

What do you carry with you at all times?
my keys

Are you a cuddler?
yesh, totally. but i wont overstep boundaries either.

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
dust, a book, Kleenex box. maybe a toilet paper roll, scarves, etc.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex text messaged you?
no one, I don't own a working cell phone.

How are you feeling?
achy emotionally (and physically since i am getting over the flu) and a bit sick to my stomach

Is something wrong right now?
too many ways to count

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
perhaps a teensy bit more than they should

What did you do this weekend?
um chat flowers with dad for mom for valentine's day and cracked my head open sunday during the superbowl while hanging with the only friend i would even consider calling my "best friend"

How many best friends do you have?
none, I don't let myself get that close anymore (but one comes super close).

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
um if i ever get to bed to start with (i've been up since about 7:30 yesterday morning)

How many different people of the opposite sex have you cried over?
6 -- 3 in "that" sort of way

Where is your number one friend on your friends list?
no, i don't have best friends anymore.

Do you have anyone crushing on you?
yes (but i don't return the "love")

When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex?
bout a week and a half ago, went way better than i thought it would.

Do you sleep with the TV on?
yep

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
no

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
thank God no. (well at least not in the recent past).

Are you jealous of someone right now?
If you mean in "that" sort of way, then yeah, I was, but I'm moving....sorta.....

Where is the person you like right now?
sleeping

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
peppermint pieces

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
getting sleep

What is the sexiest part of the opposite sex's body?
abs/ass/cock size/eyes (NOT necessarily in this order)

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes

Could you handle a long distance relationship?
yeah, I did it before with my Master </3

Could you cry right now?
yes.

Are you okay with the life you live?
no but at the moment i am not really in any position to be able to switch it either.

Did you enjoy your day today?
no.

Do you have a tattoo?
no (but wouldn't mind one).

Would you ever get any piercings on your body, other than your ear?
...maybe...

Ever had a song sang about/for you?
yes :3

What was the last thing you spent money for?
salad dressing (I think, i did my shopping yesterday so it was a bunch of stuff)

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
dad

Do you call it fall or autumn?
I don't know, I've never really thought about it. I guess fall.

Do you snore, grind your teeth, or talk in your sleep?
I have been told I snore, and I did grind my teeth at one point (not sure if I do anymore). Have no idea about whether or not I talk in my sleep though.

Honestly, who makes you happy most of the time?
an ex, my neighbor and a really special male acquaintance (and NO not "special" as in romantic stuff)

What were you up to at 9pm last night?
um chatting to people online

Do you hold grudges?
Yes.

Have you overheard a conversation?
yes

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
yeah, more than once -- but not for over a year

What do I look for in a guy/girl?
mature, sensitive, someone who knows what they are looking for, sense of humor, not judgmental or the the kind to bring drama (pot smoker a plus)

Met anyone famous?
not unless the govenor counts XD (although I swear I saw Bruce Vilanch once)

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
You have no fucking idea.

One thing you’re looking forward to?
Getting my fursuit.

Are you shy at first when it comes to meeting people?
Yeah but it's getting easier :3

Has anyone ever called you sexy?
Yeah, more then i have ever actually registered.. i guess i don't really see it when all the scale tells me is i'm fat.

Do you think everyone out there has a soulmate?
um, I might have at one point but right now I'm too jaded to actually say I can believe it anymore (deep down though, yes, maybe).

Relationships or one night stands?
Um I can go either way >.< (even though that kinda contradicts the next question,,,)

Do you agree with friends with benefits?
No.

The first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
body/eyes

What is your favorite colour?
amethyst or dark red.

Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
He tried, and then he just shut down on me and has be uncommunicative for the past two years.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Eh, not really.

Do looks matter?
yeah, but only to a point.

Are you wasting your time on someone?
Yes

Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren’t supposed to?
no

By the way, what is your name?
Rachel/Rae/Rachie/Lep/Tiggy/Tig(ress)/Vixxen (Vixxie) (just do NOT I beg you, call me "Rachie"/Rae >.<)

Are you currently in a relationship?
no

Do you give out second chances too easily?
Yes, my brother who cut me out of his life for the past going on 12 years now is a purr-fect example.

So my mom informed me the other week that I have $800 that I wasn't aware of and so I decided, sort of spur of the moment, that I would finally get a fur suit. I decided that another $400 would be enough (total being $1200) for one. But I have no idea who to go with or how to decide how to choose a good fur suit maker. Please help me, give me guidance, make personal recommendations.

So my dad just showed up to my place. Was all like "you ready to go?" and I'm like no. So he's like "well how long do you need, will it take?" and I'm like about four hours. And he is like "you couldn't have bothered to call me? I'm sure you must have known that before 8:30 this morning." And then we just stood out in the hall for I don't know, three or four minutes and then he says "well I'll let you get/be to do your devices" and just walks off, leaving me wondering if I am seeing again or not and if I am actually going to their place or not. So thank you dad for yet another dagger in the heart the day before Christmas. Yeah I get that your time is precious and that I need to have more respectful for y'all and this and that but seriously I don't need your drama either. So when you can finally realize that I can handle life ON MY OWN and that I really don't need you breathing down my neck I would be happy to reciprocate, until then don't you be rolling your damn eyes at me!! Happy fucking Merry Christmas to me >.<

I am sitting here bathed in only the glow from the multi colored lights of my fake six foot tall pine tree and listening to "Stronger" from Sara Evans, thinking about how the holidays are a time to realize what you have, to count your blessings but I am just blah. I thought the simplest wish would not be so detrimental but it has been. I pleaded with the Lord to let  kaiwinn become mine again and He answered my prayers but it just made me realize that I can not keep setting my hopes up only to be dashed. So now my Christmas is a wash and I sit here brooding wishing that we could already be at the 28th and this whole shebang would be blissfully over.

I am supposred to go see the parents in a few hours and I just want to stay curled up in apartment and bawl but I was always the one expected to make an appearance not my bro (he always seems to get out of everything, it's bogus). So I will paint an expression of calm on and go out and brave the "elements" and be home tonight. I love ya mom and dad but you're complete assholes, nightmares. I told them in true Scrooge fashion that I am keeping tomorrow for myself and they were not happy and I said too fucking bad. I have let them walk over me too many damn times and I wont let guilt or loyalty to family make me all soft and easy to manipulate. God, I am such a bitch but I need breathing room >.< Bah humbug and blah blah blah. oh yeah and an unhappy new year :P

Okay, I've been seeing everyone else's so I thought I would dash off my own. The only thing I wanted I got but I turned it down anyway and so instead for Christmas this year, I gave myself satisfaction. Empty and pretty much worthless, but at least for me it means not becoming another statistic.

The one gift I had bemoaned and whimpered and cried over was the fact that for the first time in what would have been five years, my owner would no longer be mine and he was the only thing I wanted every year because he gave me everything I could ever dream of. But he was abusive, mainly verbally but there was some physical thrown in. I way too easily overlooked it though because I was head-over-heels in love with him. And the truth is I still would, he just is my kryptonite, But I am just like gasoline to flame when it comes to him, so I dismissed him, told him that I felt it was way too soon to pursue that possible path again.

So I stepped back and gave myself a new beginning but it still stings, hurts. I will always know what could have possibly been and that breaks my heart. But I also know it was right because I feel stringer, even as the tears come down. I will always love you James, for better or worse. You captured me just like Ash captured Bulbasaur. Heart, soul and fursona. I will always be here but I can't keep setting myself up for disappointment. You never did play quite fair anyway.

For his part, he bowed out with decorum and in his quiet, unassuming manner which is both endearing and infuriating at once. He knows that a) I am too much like gasoline and b) no other will take my place in his heart for so many reasons. But yeah, my holiday sucks. I still feel out of place, a misfit for the first since I can not even remember and as the tears fall for the umpteenth time I just inwardly sigh, annoyed not only with myself but the holiday too.

Yeah sure of course there are things I want, artists on here I would love to commission. But I am broke and I am not delusional to expect random acts of kindness doers to gift me. So that is why this is not the wishlist meme I have seen going around. I would love a ref sheet but eh ah well, another time perhaps. I gave myself a new start for Christmas this year but I still feel like a misfit, undeniably hurt but trying to find the light and Christmas spirit with only seventeen hours and fifty minutes left until the said day, merry christmas to me ;;

My mother thinks I am a sociopath, my brother is dealing with a divorce and I am completely helpless to show him asn kind of usefull support, my aunt is leaving the state and the icing on the cake was to wake up this morning to blood smeared sheets cause the wound on my foot reopened in the night. FML!!!!!!!! And lately I have just myself and my life just slipping away, out of my grasp and it's like I cant recover this time. I miss my slave and I need him gone but he wont stop invading my thoughts. this whole past week has just been one long continuous week of hell and now it's unclear if AC is in my grasp or not for next year and it's just like where the fuck is the light??!?! i just need to curl up somewhere in some corner and cry until i cant anymore and then blow away.

me and my bf were talking tonight over Skype and we got onto Ghostbusters of all freaking things so I looked up theme on youtube just to be annoying. And so themes and keywords being what they are on there, a related vid was for the "Halloween" theme so I clicked it. That in turn led me to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyDY.....eature=related
which I thought appropriate since it is all furry and Halloween-y so enjoy!!

Um, this guy  nightlysnow that my fave artist atm Kingman knows is having a tentacle story raffle. Here's the link to the original journal:

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2769925/

Spread the word all!!!

Can't get you erased from head
Your face haunts me like a ghost from "Night of the Living Dead"
Waking up crying in my own bed
I know it's nothing but my own fault
But your refusal is like a searing wound covered in salt

So tell me what I have to do
And I will do it a thousand times or more
Just want to see you walking through my door
Cuz without you
All I'm ever gonna be is blue

I was supposed to be sharing my first kiss with you tomorrow
But instead all I am steeped in is sorrow
And now I sit here stupidly, loathing myself
Pointlessly wishing that it wasn't too late
Wondering why I always have to play with fate
As I feel my heart drifiting back to that lonely shelf

So tell me what I have to do
And I will do it a thousand times or more
Just need to see you walk through that door
Cuz without you
I wont be anything but blue

I know, I know..;....
You have no reason to believe a punk like me
But if I knew what I had to do to make you believe
I would already be doing it baby
But instead with head held high and my heart below low
I face my punishment, my fate of being alone for eternity
And that's why I am begging you to tell me......

What I have to do
Cuz I swear nothing could be more true
Until I am back to holding you
I won't ever be anything but blue....

I guess love is just one thing I will never learn, not fully or properly at least. I was in a relationship and I sensed he was the stereotypical chauvinist but then I thought, hey maybe I am being too judgmental, I'll give he another chance cuz hey maybe, just maaaaaaaaybe, I am off in my judgment this time around. I couldn't have been more right. So now I sit here numb, hating myself and my too-soft heart and cursing my stupidity, his face still mocking me in my head. -sigh- but oh well, I've dealt with worse jerks and made bigger mistakes. It just really hurts because I really thought he could be different, that he was something truly special, but he turned out to be just one of the rest.

So I have been dating a certain fur for about a week now and it's been intense and it's been insane and it's been completely amazing but things have hit a snag. It's like he says he isn't elitist, that he isn't a snob or close minded or whatever but honestly I can't see him otherwise. It all started at the (fur) meet Saturday night then progressed into Sunday morning.

My bf and I were talking about a fellow fur that hasn't shown up and that my bf was glad had not shown and that was a character it had turned I had met at AC this year. He told me that him and some of his buddies now referred to him as "bathroom boy" or something and was totally okay with this behavior/treatment and it totally sickened me. He (my bf) makes a claim that he isn't elitist yet this is behavior he has no issue condoning?? Like seriously, tell me if I am wrong here folks, but is this just not a teensy bit hypocritical?

So that fact coupled with the fact that he is so intolerant while claiming he lives by the mantra of "respect of all people", is just infuriating. And he has even said to me that he HATES the type of person that he is being himself right now. He is great but the fact that he is so narrow minded and that he calls himself one thing while being another is just aggravating and disappointing. It also scared me, because now I know that no matter how much he does love me, I don't see how we can last when I am the same as "bathroom boy".

So yeah, love doesn't really conquer all (which i already knew) and the greatest dream of my life just came to shuttering, bone- jolting halt. But that is what happens when you actually have standards and are tolerant even if the one who is claiming they are actually isn't. So here is to my "bf", this entire thing is too wonderful and dreamy to try to put into words but your obvious intolerance is a major contention point and I don't see us being us much longer the more of the dream is broken up, peeled away like just so many layers of paint.

This past Wednesday I met up with a fellow Green Mountain stater for what was just to be a diner and a meet-and-greet type deal, but it spun quickly into something way more <3

I quickly learned just how extraordinarily committed and loyal to his family he really is and just how deep his love goes; he took my breath away that first phone conversation and has been doing so ever since. He is sweet, amazing gentle and adorable, just uber adorable. He gets me to smile and laugh nonstop too. Just a refreshing comfort after all the shit that has be going down in my life recently.

All those that know him though know that he is extraordinary and that I am exceedingly lucky and I don't intend to take my good fortune lightly. He fell into my lap and I will do whatever I need to to keep him wanting to be nowhere else. He is just beautiful from the inside outwards and amazing and wonderful and I just pray I don't screw this up. He loves me and I can't begin to put into words just what that already means to me. So here's to the love of my life now, may I only keep going forward and may we last a long, long time.

 dark_tigress zanner

"i hate how easily u can still slip into my thoughts, my heart. i miss it crazy as that is, cuz no one is supposed to get hooked on abuse, but somehow i have. i want it all back, i want u. a slave cant be of no use if she dont have the Master and you were mine. she still love u -a few tears fall- -sighs- she still love u..... " -turns away knowing that it's beyond futile at this point and sighs-

She takes a few steps towards the stairs before halting. "You can rationalize all you want, but you will never be able to justify what the fuck you've done to me. Because if you can honestly rationalize breaking a girl's hand and emotionally abusing her, then you need serious mental help." She stalks up the stairs screaming.

She slams the screen door and stalks over to the trampoline, struggling to pull herself up onto it. She curls up alone and cold though the day is gorgeous and sunny, balmy even. A light breeze washes over her but even though it's warm it causes her to shiver. She turns away from the house, silently digesting what has just become of her and her Master and bitter tears start to streak her face.

She knew months before that He was always get the best and the better of her but it still hurt like a white hot knife slipping easily into her heart like it was nothing but butter. She cursed her weakness, but she knew this was what her destiny was to be, to love a man, a creature, that was to never appreciate her fully or for any of the right reasons.

She sighs and sniffles using a paw to wipe the tears. She slips off the trampoline a bit more gracefully than getting on it and walks around the small back yard. She stares up at the sun wishing it could somehow sweep in and suddenly just make things alright again. She knew she had to call her parents, start making plans for her early departure from her Master's mother's house but she didn't want to. Abuse or not, He still made her feel alive, valuable. The ways He would grab her, rough handle her..........She let out a happy sigh at the memories until she realizes it was just that, bitter memories.

She started to walk around again, wishing that property boundaries were better marked back her but doing a reasonable job of staying within the lines. She briefly glanced at the back door but quickly looked away, hot tears searing her eyes. She stood still her arms wrapped about herself, her back to the house but still at an angle so that she wouldn't have to turn around completely to see it. Daddy and mom would be understanding, totally supportive in their dysfunctional, we-will-never-understand-your-choices way, but it wasn't the same as when Master would bother to comfort her.

She walked back towards the trampoline with a shuddering sigh, already missing Master even though he was right inside the house behind her. She knew that it was never going to go back to how it was, how she had longed for it to be for two years now actually. She was an idiot, she knew that much but when it came to Him she always was going to be, that is just how it was with Him and her. He was always, regardless of what He would ever do to her, going to have her right by the heart and that killed her but she knew why and she accepted it.

He had become abusive to her when they were dating, before the D/s thing started up. But for the most part it hadn't gotten better either, but she knew that was what was to be expected. Abusers don't realize half the time how or that they are abusive and so of course just go into total denial mode if you broach the subject with them. They get defensive and nasty and leap down your throat. Thankfully though it was just emotional abuse now though, not the physical, although in some ways she thinks she could handle the physical better because that way her heart wouldn't keep breaking every night.

She nastily reprimands herself for the way she is thinking, knowing truthfully that she just needs to leave it all but that would mean leaving what she knows and what she has fallen for so hard regardless of the outcome that she is now suffering because of her misplaced loyalty and his ungratefulness. She folds into herself as hot tears prick her eyes. She knows she doesn't deserve it but a part of her still delusions herself into saying, thinking that she does. That's the bastard's conditioning for the past two plus years come to bite me in the ass she thinks but she doesn't care. She would still place her life on the line for him, would still marry him if he asked.

She knew that's how it worked, that the psychological effects of his abuse would make her become conditioned as the scientists call it but in laymen's terms just means that he finally got under her skin enough to have control of her. To twist and play with her emotions on his whim and still have her come running no matter what. She hung her head in shame knowing that at this point he would always be her weak spot whether or not she wished it. Damn him!!!!!! She screamed it aloud inside afraid to start shit with the neighbors if she had actually opened her mouth.

She finally stalked back indoors hating herself that as usual it was history repeating itself since she ALWAYS came slinking back to Master to kiss ass and make up before he would ever be bothered to. In fact truth be told he probably wouldn't of given a second thought to her even if nighttime had fallen and bedtime rolled around. Disgusting thought, she thinks to herself as she stalks into the house and down the stairs to His filthy basement bedroom.

Stepping over dingy squares and strips of carpet and stains from only God knows what, intermixed with clothes used who the heck knows how long ago, she placating-ly walks to Master where He is sitting in front of His computer, His back to her. She knows He can hear her entering His lair but as usual, since He believes He has done nothing wrong, He doesn't even bother to turn around to greet her. She sighs to herself in disgust at this fact but it doesn't keep her from her still playing right back into His paws.

She closes the distance and stands behind Him a second before putting her arms around Him from behind and leaning down to softly kiss his neck and jawline before craning around to kiss His lips. He immediately comes to life and kisses back, soft and gentle. the one she came to fall in love with and respect in the first place and so her brain immediately just classifies the last hour or two as nothing more than a normal little tiff and so she just easily slips back into the loop, the way so many victims do............

This is truly my story, a bit dramatized, but still true.  kaiwinn owned me up until AC of this year and I have finally told him to get lost but the pain is still there, a constant bitter reminder of what I lost and what He callously did. Every day it's still a struggle but honestly I just want to get this out there as a sign of hope, of encouragement. If I the biggest sap and believer in true love can move on and past the one they thought and still in some small way feels, was the one, then you can as well. Prayers are with all of you..........

Okay, like i already know my learning curve is not upto par with most of you guys out there in this FA community, so forgive me here, but after going to my first AC ever and observing the interactions and the relationships, i've come to a couple realizations. The first is that BDSM might not actually be as much a part of what I call the D/s side/relationships of the furry world, excuse me, fandom, as I might have orignally thought. From what I have been able to ascertain it is more in the wolfpack set-up, am I right??

And secondly, is it really more common for a male to be the alpha instead of a female?? Like am I in the minority for being the Domme/alpha instead of my now ex-Master?? (W/we just were not working out with him on Top). Cuz I met multiple partners who were involved not romantically, but in a D/s fashion and it seems for the most part the female was the "beta" instead of the alpha and so I just would like feedback, personal experiences, etc., and tell me if what I observed is accurate or whatever. If so, then this is definitely a switch, no pun intended, from my BDSM side. Thanks.

Okay, like i already know my learning curve is not upto par with most of you guys out there in this FA community, so forgive me here, but after going to my first AC ever and observing the interactions and the relationships, i've come to a couple realizations. The first is that BDSM might not actually be as much a part of what I call the D/s side/relationships of the furry world, excuse me, fandom, as I might have orignally thought. From what I have been able to ascertain it is more in the wolfpack set-up, am I right??

And secondly, is it really more common for a male to be the alpha instead of a female?? Like am I in the minority for being the Domme/alpha instead of my now ex-Master?? (W/we just were not working out with him on Top). Cuz I met multiple partners who were involved not romantically, but in a D/s fashion and it seems for the most part the female was the "beta" instead of the alpha and so I just would like feedback, personal experiences, etc., and tell me if what I observed is accurate or whatever. If so, then this is definitely a switch, no pun intended, from my BDSM side. Thanks.

Just went to my first AC evah and it was beyond epically awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I met notveryathletic, which was totally cool!!!! I am so happy to see his dedication and enthusiasm and love for the real animals who are in so much trouble and so much pain across the world --- from the bottom of a kitteh girl's heart, thanks man for all you are doing!!!!

Anyway, for the con itself, it was beyond words, for a newcomer like moi. The suiters and the feeling, and the adrenaline and the vibes that just combine to like give you a totally new type high, better than weed and more amazing then when you're a little kid on the rollercoaster for the first time, that is the only way I can even come close to explain it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My pet made the experience even all the more better and sweet and so I want to thank him SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for what he had to put up from a drama seeking kitty like me ;3 >:P He was beyond wonderful, so thank you kai, i love you like no other Mistress could love a pet, just sorry it never works out. You did Me proud though pet. The amount of fur suits and the costumes and the amount of time the suiters put into the thought and planning of not only the suits themselves but the costumes was beyond beautiful and was just a job beyond well done. The overall experience was well worht all the tears and the drama and work when all was said and done and I know you all know what I am talking about ^T^

OOOOOH, OOOOOH, but the best by far for me was the fact that I now have a better idea of my fursona after commissioning my first ever badge done by the lovely boo. I CANT FRICKING WAIT TO SEE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Still on the high that this experience brought to me, and will be for the next week or two I am sure :3

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
--T.P.
--K.S.
--notveryathletic
--boo.
-- the "Raptor Pair"

I have been just feeling better and better lately and I think it has to do with all the wonderful peoplez/furz I have gotten a chance to speak with here on FA so just wanted to say thankies :3 It's some of the most talent I have had the honor to see and some of it even in live time, which isn't something I have gotten to do before. It's just already a great experience so thanks.