Hey all. Just a heads up that I'm still really over my head with other work right now & haven't been on much. I know I have quite a few notes building up & other various messages. I'm not ignoring you guys or being rude, just that my schoolwork takes priority for me right now and it occupies a lot of my time, in addition to my job. I haven't had much of a chance to art, as you may have noticed. I have one piece for a friend I've been working on forever but I only get to work on it for like 20 mins at a time it feels like. I have so many ideas I want to get on paper, but that's always the way: when I have time I stare at a blank canvas for hours, but when I know I can't draw right now, I get tons of ideas. I have a break from school in a few days so I plan to use that time to get caught up here, get back in touch with everyone and get back to drawing. I can't wait. I feel so much art pent up! But for now I have today off and need to spend the entirety of it studying for my math final, which I'm not very confident about at the moment so I need to spend every available second studying. The "Dark Matters" marathon the science channel is running this morning hasnt really helped either. >.> So now I'm off to get back to that...excitement.
Also I haven't abandoned my weasyl, just havent had time to update any more...but I will! (https://www.weasyl.com/profile/vapidcrocuta) gonna draw a nice pretty banner for myself & everything. *excite* that is...when I get some time...just a little bit longer...

TLDR; Im not ignoring comments Im just really overwhelmed for the next few days...basically story of my life continues...

I've got one.
https://www.weasyl.com/profile/vapidcrocuta
Just started uploading some old stuff to it. I'll post another journal once I've had a chance to learn the site a little better & finish uploading.
Sorry for short journal...Im really tired, so burned out on studying right now.

Hey all, just a brief update. I got a mew laptop so Im back online now! YAY finally. HAHA I just noticed that I wrote "mew" but Im gonna leave it there meow. Still getting used to new keyboard. I must say I thought having a touch screen laptop would be stupid and redundant but I already dont know how I lived without it.
Ive been having a really hard couple weeks but a combination of lack of internet access, and a desire to not spam people with unproductive whiny journals kept me from posting about it. So thats why Ive been so quiet lately. Havent had two seconds to myself for a month it seems, so much school work, so much work work. My car broke, my teeth broke, my laptop broke. Everything always has to happen at once. So yeah, not much to say that I think anyone actually cares to read about, just letting you all know Im still here and Im back online now.

The only other thing to say is that I started an art only tumblr since my main one got...distracted.
art:
http://vapidcrocuta.tumblr.com/
main:
http://fearfulxsymmetry.tumblr.com/

No snazzy layout or bg yet but Im still in the process of posting everything. I can get back to it now that I have a computer again.

My laptop wont go online :c best buy has it. (Shut up I panicked.) Fa is my homepage & I forgot to change it...lmao. oh well. Also a folder on my desktop labeled "furry" containing a whole bunch of fursuit pics. I wouldnt have anything R rated but I cant imagine the guy not getting curious & looking at those. I anticipate weird looks when I come to pick it up.

I'm sure you all probably know about the hurricane heading your way, I just want to make sure everyone's safe. I think they're showing it hitting on monday right now but they don't seem very sure. Would be worth it to tune in to the weather channel if you get the chance, and if you're waiting till late monday to leave you might want to reconsider.

PSA from your local Keelah, keep safe everyone, sounds like this is gonna be a really bad one, hope it waits till everyone's safely home to hit. :/

But I think I have to nuke all my messages. It's getting to the point now where I'm answering comments that were left like two weeks ago. I try really hard to answer everything that gets posted, but I just got way behind & now I'm intimidated by the sheer volume of comments I have yet to answer so I don't do it & it just gets worse.
I'm going to read them all but if you said something important to me or asked me something you want an answer to please just poke me about it again, since I might miss it.
I'm really, really sorry to have to do this, I really appreciate everything you guys say to me & all the lovely comments you put on my art, it makes me happy. But just this once I need to get back in control of this account here, lol. I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings by doing this, although I'm sure at least someone won't see this journal & get the impression that I'm ignoring them, I'm sorry.
I will get to my notes, I know I have a couple sitting in there I need to read as well. Thank you guys for your patience. I really hate to have to do this but if I don't I think I might just freak out about this account & stop using it.

I never do pimping journals but I don't even care I just want this to be made so badly so I can buy one!! If you guys don't know about squishables check out the website, they're HUGE super-soft amazing stuffed animals. I have the fox one & he pretty much takes over my bed & he's so soft & squishy but I digress.
submitted a hyena design and it NEEDS to win votes so they will make it. You have no idea how badly I want a hyena squishable so go here to vote for it:
https://www.squishable.com/p/opensq.....sh_hyena_9781/

/spaz

Have any of you guys had any luck in dealing with mental/mood disorders via non-prescription, legal otc ways? For example certain vitamins or herbs, maybe eating/drinking something particular helps? Whatever you specifically suffer from, doesn't matter, I want to know anything anybody has stumbled across that helps them. I dunno, I'm really desperate for anything right now since I lost my health insurance a couple months back & as a result, also the meds I've been on for as long as I can remember. Full time work and college schedule doesn't play well with someone who naturally goes 4 days straight without sleeping and then suddenly spends a full week without being able to get out of bed. I'm functional on the outside but, really things are starting to scare me.

Also on a semi-related note, I know you guys are talking to me, I see your messages, I'm just...having a hard time responding right now. I don't understand why, thank you for bearing with me though.

I'm trying not to make this a baw journal, it's not at all. I am just really seeing if you guys have any advice. Wow, headache outta nowhere, gotta go...

*debates whether or not to hit "create" for 5 mins*
If you're reading this, I hit it.

EDIT: OMG all dem comments! Thank you for all the advice, I love you guys so much! *sniff* I will respond to all comments I promise!

OMG is it ever HOT here! How do people stand it!???
Anyway it's been an incredible stressful couple weeks here & things aren't much better now that I'm actually in the new house. All stops considered it ended up being about a three day trip from NH to SC. I stopped along the way in MA to spend the night with my best friend, & to say goodbye. Then I went on to NJ to meet up w my dad & stepmom at her mother's house. Don't forget I've got my cat with me this whole time too @.@ she spent the 1st night in my friends tiny bathroom because she didn't get along with her cat, but in NJ she at least had a room all to herself. She was still freaked out though due to all the driving & strange surroundings. Having to stop every few hours to walk a cat on the side of the road was...less than enjoyable.
So while we were in NJ, we were moving the cars around in the driveway & out of nowhere, my car decided it didn't want to start anymore. I kind of had a freak-out moment there for a while because I had been running on fumes & stressed out for weeks about this move already. My dad helped me out though. We ended up having to wait overnight for a shop to open & we brought it in first thing in the am. It turned out it needed a new starter, but we had it fixed & in a few hours we were on the road again.
A rather uneventful 11 hours of shrieking cat later we arrived in SC. (yay?) But we couldn't even go to the new house yet. We had to wait for the moving truck to show up...meaning two nights with the 3 of us in my dad's tiny efficiency apartment. :p but eventually they did show up & we have been in the house now for two nights. It's a really amazing house. We have a pool & I have my own bathroom connected to my room. A lot of drama happened that I don't really feel like talking about & then some drama w my grandparents blahblahblah but now I have a job @ a dunkin dunuts down here. It's awful. I don't know if they don't have labor laws in SC or what but we don't get breaks. I don't know if I'm physically going to be able to do it. Today was my 1st day & it was shorter but I'm still in so much pain right now, I can hardly walk :c I don't know what else to do though.
So anyway, I mean, I'm down here, I'm alive...lonely as hell & still incredibly stressed...hopefully things will get better. Sorry I know this wasn't a great update & I didn't really feel ready to write it yet but I didn't want to leave everyone in the dark.
Also I will be resuming arts shortly...sorry for those of you who have been waiting. (That's why I didn't want to take anybody's $$ just yet)
Miss you all! :c

Hey guys, just letting everyone know I made it safely down to South Carolina. We still don't have internet though, just waiting for the modem to come. I'll post a full update once we're back online.

A friend of mine posted this to fb & I thought it warranted sharing, since I've been called rude for exhibiting pretty much every behavior described here. I don't mean to be rude...I just value social interaction differently than most.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

This week actually. @.@ damn. I've been working my ass off & still have so much to do! I just wanted to hop on & give ppl a heads up that I won't be particularly responsive here until I move in, and maybe not even then, since I don't know what the status of our internet will be at first. So if I don't respond to a comment or something don't take it personally, I will when I get all settled. Real life takes precedence & all that.
I'll keep you guys posted on what's going on, it's just gonna get sporadic for a little bit while I deal with all this.
that's all :3

So i just finally lost it. I have been trying so hard to keep everything together the past few days but I just can't anymore. I haven't been able to find a home for my boa (my stepmother wont let me keep him in the new house, I've had him for 7 years) & somebody suggested I ask petco. It turns out they can take him in for adoption, even though he's so huge. I was talking to the manager & all of a sudden I just started bawling over the phone. I couldn't even form a coherent word. I tried to pull it together & ended up laughing hysterically instead. I asked him to give me a second, he said it was okay he understands, but I couldn't pull it together & ended up just making vague plans for tomorrow & hanging up.
You know when I first got him I knew full well he could live over 30 years & that I would essentially have him forever. What the hell kind of person am I that I just have to abandon a cherished pet like this? I feel like this is my fault. I shouldn't have taken in such a long lived animal at my age...knowing full well I was not in a 'forever' home myself, but at the time, I never planned to go to college.
I'm sorry for this journal, you don't need to respond I just wanted to talk for a minute. I think people will think me silly getting so emotional over a reptile as if he were a dog or something but I love him so much, and I feel like I've failed him. He probably doesn't care. He probably thinks I'm just a tree with skin on it.
ugh, I'm sorry, just so many goodbyes. ;n;

I have them...

This is going to be kinda brief for the moment because I have a lot going on and I'm really freaking out, like I have tears in my eyes right now. ;n; But I just found out the date I will be leaving is the 26th of this month. I couldn't afford to rent a U-haul so I'm gonna hafta use my two days off next week to get as much of my stuff as possible down to my dad's house in MA (He has a moving truck down there. for those of you who didn't know, my dad just bought a new house down south & were all moving there together at the same time, only he's in MA & I'm in NH.) Then filling my car again when it's time to actually leave. Anything I can't fit in two car trips I will be leaving behind.
Unfortunately this won't really leave me any time to go to any meets or hang out with anyone, since I've gotta use my days off for moving. ;n; so that's whats going on right now, and why I've been so slow to update & respond to things. I am working on commissions, it's just taking me a little longer than usual & for that I'm sorry.

I miss Ivy, and referring to myself as a hyena. I think I was just getting bored with her. I love having a sona with the same name as me. (Or the one I go by.) I hate having to say I'm Keelah, my suit is Ivy, or the confusion with badges. As weird as it sound sometimes it's nice to have a generic-looking canine character as well. I dunno guys I don't want to be that person that switches characters all the time but I'm beginning to wonder if this change is working. Would you all hate me if I switched back? I've always kinda free flowed between characters anyway...Ivy, Smiget & Keelah are all me. I'm just gonna draw more of Ivy for now and see what feels right.
First world furry problems :p
Bah...just thinking out loud I guess. Off to the shower with me, fireworks tonight!

Hey everyone. I just wanted to share my awesome past couple days with anybody who feels like listening. This weekend was the "Gilsum Rock Swap" which is an event my town has had annually for almost 50 years. Vendors come from all over the world to sell & trade minerals & fossils. Its really cool, you could spend all day just looking at the stuff for sale, it's almost like being in a museum where you can touch things! For example, we all got to hold an actual Tyrannosaurus tooth, how fucking cool is that!? (In case you were wondering, they wanted 1500$ for it. We held it very carefully.) I wasnt going to buy anything because I'm on the broker side of broke, but I couldn't help myself.
My friend Greg bought an uncracked geode that the vendor would crack open for you. When he opened it it was full of beautiful multicolored amethyst & everyone went all anime-eyes over it. So I picked one myself, gave it to the guy to crack & wouldn't you know it, it was full of MUD. Story of my life right? Anyway the guy let me pick another one and when he opened it, everyone in the crowd said "OOOOOOOOH" lol. I don't know what it is inside, I've never seen it before but its jet black, & sparkles like glitter. It's amazing! I didn't see any other stone like it the entire show, after "mud-rock" I was very happy. But that's not even the coolest thing I got. I picked up a necklace with a meteorite fixed into a nice, classy looking setting. I don't think I'll ever take it off.
The best part though, was just being able to hang out with old friends. Especially considering I may not be able to see them again for a long, long time. My best friend and her boyfriend came, along with an old high school friend I haven't seen in about 7 years. It was kind of bittersweet because as excited as I was to see him again, after so long I felt we just didn't...connect anymore. We have both become such different people. Well...I shouldn't say that, more like I've gotten 7 years older, & he stayed in exactly the same place. We had a campfire & drank & talked all night, but I think we all knew that it was a goodbye.
So as I'm writing this I feel very content. I spent the weekend outside, with good friends, having fun and not worrying about the coming months. Tomorrow I go back to the grind. And back to the stress of moving and saying my goodbyes, but it was nice to just have a relaxing couple of days, and seeing my bff always helps me put my head on straight again.

This may not be the best time to ask this with AC going on & everyone being distracted...but I wanted to go ahead & throw some feelers out in regards to the furry scene in SC. Any of my watchers from there? Is there a group on FA? I haven't been able to find one though I'm sure one exists. I'm really scared about moving down there & knowing nobody. I don't know what meets are like but it's a more heavily populated area so I suspect they're not like the semi intimate get-togethers I'm used to up here. There must be furries down there...right? :/ *nervous*

Florence is where I'm moving to and I'll be attending FMU...would be really cool if there were others on campus...but maybe that's being overly optimistic.

edit: I found the group!

Not currently open but thanks for the interest!

~In the process of establishing a presence on ko-fi to manage commissions. You may have luck if you ask me privately on other platforms~

updated: 17 Jul 2024



(hidden comments are just completed commissions, I used to use this journal to keep track of them)

So, some of you already know this but *braces*
FMU ACCEPTED ME!!!!!!!
@.@
I am finally back from my trip. It was long (even though it was short) and trying/stressful at times, but oh man was it ever worth it. I'll do a bit of a recap but I'm sure I'll miss a lot. I flew down, had a layover but wasn't too bad. I wasn't nearly as freaked out about the flights as I usually am which was a blessing. I screamed at the first palm tree I saw. I've never seen a palm tree in real life & I must have seemed like such a loser to the locals. (OH I'M SORRY, If you're just tuning in I went down to South Carolina.) Anyway there are palm trees EVERYWHERE, I felt like the whole state was a big tropical resort, with sweltering heat to match.
Everyone speaks slowly with a southern drawl. It was hard not to giggle at first but I can see myself picking it up once I've been there long enough. I'll be that one chick with a southern accent who doesn't pronounce her R's (that gal aint right.) I suppose I'd better get to the point before I get too long winded. I went on a tour of FMU the 2nd day I was there. The school is amazing. Parts of it are in thick wooded areas while others are beautifully manicured & covered with palm tree. The library is to die for, there are 2 pools, a gym, (It'll be like I'm on vacation!) greenhouses, tons & tons of science labs & art rooms/galleries. There's even a planetarium & an observatory! I was very impressed, but I didn't know if I was in or not yet. (Spoiler, I am)
The next day I had my interview with the admissions director who, get this, admitted me because I wrote so well! I had shit grades & never took SATs but as part of my admission paperwork I had submitted an essay about why I wanted to go back to school and what I had done with my life. She admitted me because they were impressed with my writing skills and because I have been out of high school so long, they felt it would make me more serious about college. Basically I proved that my shit grades were not the result of a lack of intelligence, but more in the 'giving a shit' department.
OHMANOHMANOHMAN
This is it then...I'm really doing this! I'm moving to South Carolina & getting a biology degree. I'm so nervous. I'm still super stressed out & crying like every night but now I have something positive to move towards.
I don't know when I'll be moving but most sign point to sooner rather than later. I have mountains of paperwork to do and some catch-up math classes to take first but ideally come this fall ill be down there.
*scared*

Thank you guys for your patience with me, ill be trying to catch up on notes/comments & such now but it may take me a while. But with all this planning to do I won't be re-opening for commission, sorry.

TL;DR

I'M HOME!! I'M GOING TO COLLEGE FOR REALLY REALS THIS TIME! YAY!!

also I just noticed I got to 1000 watchers while I was gone, THANKS GUYS!!! :D

I'm having a hard time right now & I just got some bad news, plus I will be going out of town next week so I just wanted to let everyone know I might be absent or slow(er) to respond for about a two week period. I'm still working on commissions but I am not accepting new commissions at this time.

I've got one!
http://fearfulxsymmetry.tumblr.com/

Yeah it's not much to look at I know...I only just started it after all & I'm still trying to figure out how to edit/change things. Mostly I'll be posting some art, though I wont be making it a full blown furry page. Also posting things my brain meat enjoys. It'll probably end up just being some sort of window into my psyche.

Post yours here if you feel so inclined, I would love to see them. I have come to the conclusion that I like the site. The track function is great, I get lost for hours in the posts of random strangers. Also a lot of inspiring artists on there!

Just started one myself, haven't added anything yet so I won't be posting it until there's something there worth looking at. Any of you guys have one I could look at as an example of layout & whatnot? I'm honestly not quite sure what to make of the site, or what to do with it yet beyond posting art. What do you use it for? I'll admit I used the search function last night & found a lot of interesting things, seems like a neat place.
In other news I'm getting behind on responding to comments again so don't think I'm ignoring you, I'll get caught up, lol.

EDIT:
okay here it it! (though it is still in progress)
http://fearfulxsymmetry.tumblr.com/

...Just some random musings, nothing real important. FA journal is a nice, "semi-anonymous" platform to get thoughts out that could be too personal or too long for facebook. For example, since I lost my health insurance & subsequently my prescriptions, my brain has been full of all kinds of fuck. I'm having a harder & harder time keeping things straight, havent felt this way in years. I feel some kind of overpowering need for something, but I don't know what it is. I just want to go outside & walk...& walk & walk until I'm miles from where I started & I don't know where I am anymore. It's a beautiful night, perhaps if I didn't have to work @ 7am I might act on that impulse.

Ive been thinking a lot about how quickly time has been moving. Nostalgia glasses make everything seem so much more...pleasant in the past. I know its a lie, I'm not any happier now than I was 3 years ago, it just seems that way. Or maybe it's a creeping sense of despair at this pit of stagnation my life has become. Maybe the urge I have to scream & run until my shoes have worn to nothing is just my mind rebelling, I havent been feeding it after all.

At the same time I'm feeling this need for progress, I'm petrified of change. I am so scared of leaving this life I've come to be so "comfortable" with. Not happy, but comfortable, and that's dangerous. I have some very dear friends here whom I am loathe to leave. One in particular. God knows why she chose to be my friend but I say with absolute certainty if it wasnt for her, I would not be alive right now. *sigh* We have been separated for years at a time before & came through it alright, but somehow I just feel this time, this time will be different.

*shakes head*

NOPE
okay enough of that. I just had a compulsion to get my thoughts out, & thats about the extent of them that I feel like sharing with the world at the moment.
TL;DR
I'm losing my shit...need to get out of here...feels like there's bugs crawling under my skin...ACK

Yeah since I've started my new jobbie, my universe has sort of imploded into a microcosm...I haven't been able to find the energy to spend quite as much time doing the internet socialization thing as I used to. Often I get my break an hour or so into my shift, which leaves me not allowed to sit for 7 hours or so after. By the time I get home I'm often in so much pain all I can do is lie down w the TV on. Before, I was sort of able to limp around after work, but now I can't even put any weight on that leg once I've sat down for a few minutes. But all that matters is I can wake up the next morning & work my shift, what happens after is irrelevant. I'm just glad to be gainfully employed again & all this is just more motivation to go to school & be done with this menial circus.
But anyway I just wanted to apologize for my slow responses. I might be absent for a few days out of the week now. That doesn't mean I'm not working on art or anything, just that I don't feel quite as motivated to be checking FA constantly as I have been.
I'm totally watching ancient aliens right now....
ALIENS!

well, some big things are gonna be happening for me i think. as many of you may know, my current living situation will be coming to an end shortly. right now, its looking more & more like i will be moving in w my father in south carolina. but not just out of desperation for a roof over my head, but to go to school. there is a college near where he lives that he seems to think i have a good chance of being accepted to. (it helps that hes a well known important guy & he knows the president) basically, if this happens, i will be dropping every aspect of my current life & dedicating myself fully to getting a degree. (im hoping for biology right now but these things change) i just got off the phone w him & i feel a sense that this is what i need to be doing right now. i almost have tears in my eyes from the feeling of optimism, something i havent felt in a long, long time. plus the recent loss of an old friend to drugs has really got me thinking about what i want to do with the rest of my life, and it isnt this. i need to let go & move forward.
of course this will mean i have to say goodbye to all my new england friends, which will be very hard for me. who know if & when i will return, but thats getting a little ahead of myself. im still here for now. it also means i will likely be taking a much less active roll in the fandom, perhaps stop taking on commissions (but ill never stop drawing) but again, getting ahead of myself here. so thats just a bit of an update. until now i have still been mightily depressed but havent been speaking up since like 20 of you fickle fucks stopped watching me last time, lmao.
ah yes...to all my new watchers of which there are many, HELLO! *waves frantically* im keelah. how are you? i know i dont do the shouts for watches thing, but i really appreciate all you guys & im always honored that ppl would want notification when i update, lol. this is really such a wonderful community & im just so happy to be a part of it, thanks guys! <3