I have been thinking a lot about Starblade since the whole covid thing began. I do not know why. It still is very upsetting that that monster murdered him. It is even more upsetting people made fun of him/hir after he/shi died. I know he could be a troll online, but he was also a nice person if you got to know him/hir. I met him online when he was 13 and I was 16 on some message board RPGs I used to rpg on. We talked online until his death. He was always like a little brother or something almost. I met him in real life at a few FC Picnics years later. Yes he was a troll, he also had Aspergers and had trouble with social situations., Hints why he trolled. He/Shi was also a kind friend, but for some reason people do not talk about that part.. I see people who get interviewed for articles about his murder talk bad about him and made fun of him It makes me sick, and sad that those are the people who had their opinions memorialized forever in newspaper articles. They obviously did not really know him. I also hate that people mistaken him for the stair dragon guy. No Starbles was not the stair dragon. Please stop making fun of him/hir for something he/shi never did! I also worry the man who murdered him will be free one day, and that frightens me. Will he pray on another poor soul with Asperger's who has trouble telling friendships from malicious intent? He is evil. The newspaper article said he liked killing small animals before he decided to kill Star. That sounds like how serial killers begin...... those are me thoughts for tonight.

I feel like I am having a midlife crisis or maybe just a crisis? Not only am I dealing with shelter-in-place, recovering from distance learning while simultaneously caring for a 2 and 4 year old, I recently found out my real mom died. Have not seen her since I was 6. She has had nothing to do with me since, but it was still a shock to get the call from the sherriff......Now I am waiting on baited breath to find out if I will have to return to work or not, if they will be following any safety guidelines or not, while simultaneously trying to get multiple googleclassroom certifications and taking a physics class so I can pass the physics certification test and remain employed.... I have been coping by bleaching my hair over a month and dying my hair hot bubblegum pink......maybe I have finally lost my mind. The pink is taking a long time to wash out of my hair.....I doubt I can go this pink at my place of employment in fall.........So maybe I need a new hobby. I would love to work on a suit just for me. I do not know of what though....I think it needs pink hair.......

Here I am back again after a super long time. Sometimes being a parent and teacher sucks. Either it is frowned on to do furry things or there is no time. I miss the fandom. I think my hubby does too. Maybe I am just loosing my mind in covid shelter-in-place. I did dye my hair pink....not light pink like Poppy the troll hot bubblegum pink. Now I am doing professional development live on zoom as the only teacher with hot pink hair.....I'd rather be making fur suits or have the ability to go to cons or meets again. Meet friends again....I would also like to have the option to not be a martyr.... Want to know a secret? If they refuse to follow the covid safety guidelines I might quit..... what good is being is teacher if your dead right? When I think back to all the things I gave up as a teacher and look how readily society is to throw me "under a bus" for their own convience it really makes you want to rethink your career path. Dont know what else I would do though.....for now I feel like I am just being blown around in a breeze like a leaf with no clear path or control ... I miss the times before .....

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/11099532/

Since I already have the fur for at least a partial of it.... or maybe one of Crona... I am not sure.

Poop! I definitely want to build something... I am prolly rusty though it has been like 9 or 10 years since I built anything I think.

I would kind of like to build a new suit. Just for fun or a hobby mind you not as a side hustle where I would have to take commissions. I have a full time job and am a parent. Besides, who needs the added stress of trying to please someone else or the guilt that it does not look as professional as the professionals?

I remember the last time life circumstances got to much building helped.... I am hoping that it will be that way again. I lost my father in May and to be honest I have not really been the same since, and have just felt lost..... Maybe like a phoenix from the ashes building can help me find myself again.

I am not sure what to build just yet ... maybe something yellow? I mis being yellow, but I am not sure that Maybe would even fit anymore. After 2 kids my body is a differnt shape and my feet grew.

Or maybe a dragon?

What kind of materials do people use to simulate scales now? Is it still fur? I don't think I could do lycra. My body is not built for lycra anymore.....

remember how to use FA LOL.

So 4 years ago something happened and I could no longer assess FA. Then on a lark I tried tonight and it worked. SO weird to see the last time I posted was right after I had my daughter. Kids making being a Fur hard.... so does being a teacher. It doesn't mean I do not miss all the fun parts though. I am wondering who is still around on FA and how the community as a whole has changed... maybe I am looking to reinvent my self a little bit too... or at least find refind myself? Do not know.... Anyways Hi again I guess.

My secondary infection is still there the antibiotics did not work. Now I am on stronger ones and I was told if they do not work I will be hospitalized again..... I just want to feel healthy again. Mog has stayed home today thank god , I do not know how I can take care of myself and baby with all these complicated instructions for my care. Its hard to keep drinking water, have time to eat, and take multiple meds at diff times consistantly, keep the insicion dry, wash it 3 times a day, and ect when baby is crying for food or whatever.

My baby was born on july 28 2 weeks and one day late. She is healthy thank god but I feel like crap both emotionally and physically still. I also almost died in childbirth no joke.

I ended up being indiced because my body would not get ready to let the baby out fast enough. I was induced and having contractions for 52 hours. Inductions tend to be longer than normal labor. I think they are evil. They first gave me a pill to get my body to finish getting ready for baby to come out and dialate more. This pill put me into contractions 1 to 2 mins apart but I was still only 1 cm dialated so they had to keep not giving me the next dose of the pill since that was too many contractions for that stage. This went on a few days. Then since this medicine did not really dialte me beyond 1.5 cm I ended up with a foley baloon put up there. Its a baloon with salt water inflated to 4 inches which is suppose to make u diatale to that size. During this whole time I was having contractions 5 mins apart on my own. Dinally after the baloon worked they were going to try the petocin. By this time (day 3) I was in so much pain I finally oppted for the epideral.

Some hours later I was still only 5 cm dialted and the baby was undergoing fetal distress so I ended up with a unplanned C-section.

After the c-section I only got to see my baby 20 mins before I started to hemmerage because my uterus was not contracting down. I lost over half the blood in my body and ended up needing a transfusion with 3 unitd of blood and another unit of plasma. During this time the doctor said ther was nothing eles they could do to stop the bleeding, ( the medicine to stop it was not working at first) The nurses and some doctors eould not look at me or looked at m in horror and looked away. I can not tell you how scary that was when the doctors and nurses are scard you might die. Finally the doc massaged the area of the newly sewed up csecton for 40 mins and it stopped bleeding.

After I found out that I was not making enough milk due to the hemerraging to feed my baby, and since I have not been able to produce much even though Iv done lots of pumping. It makes me feel horrible that my body is so broken it could not even have the baby natuerally, and now I can not feed her that way either.

Since all this happeened Iv been in pain from he csection as the meds have not completly worked, and I have gotten a secondary infection and the antibiotics upset my stomake and inegestion. Today I broke into hives twice and am still very emotional. The hubby thinks I have post partum depression. I just get scared that I will be into too much pain or something to be alble to take vcare of the baby on my own which I have to do now he has gone back to work.

So if you are wondering why have not invited you over its because I feel super crappy emotionally and physically. I just wish I could feel better so I could better care for my baby.

So I have made it to the end and baby could come any day now thru the end of the month. The symptoms of late pregnancy have been fairly awful to gross but I will spare the details. The idea of going thru labor is scary and sitting here waiting for it I am sure does not help. I do not really feel up to doing stuff due to Prego symptoms and cramping.... how do people enjoy their last weeks when it hurts to walk and if you over heat you feel sick or get false contractoins?also sleeping is hard too due to being uncomfy all the time.

So we are moving to a House in the next week/week and a half. I am excited as our current 1 bed has no room for a baby, we get a yard, plus also more rooms. I hope to be able to host meets and also craft night type things in the future there since we will have lots of room to build, multiple bathrooms, and a yard for people who want to do messy or toxic stuff.
I am excited about having a small garden with edibles like tomatoes, and lettace mebe, and herbs, and lavender. I am also excited because even though we are still renting we get to paint the baby's room. I am thinking about Teal Zeal as the color. Its a light greenyblue.

The blood glucise test go figure. :) I guess the diet was working

They want me to take the 3 hr blood glucose test tomarrow..... they make u drink this cola with 100 g of suger which makes me wanna hurl immedatly after, and leaves me with a stomache ache for an hour while they draw like huge vials of blood every hour so like 4 times. my veins were black and blue last time........plus sitting in a hospitle for 3 hours sucks since they dont want u to walk around...

I swear they come up with new and horrible ways to test pregnant woman for stuff all the time....

The good things are most of my morning sickness is gone. I only hurl now with bad smells like doggy poo and kitty vomit. I have been cooking more, and I can feel baby Sophia move around all the time now. She even kicked Mog through the tummy a week ago.. Its mostly ok now but I saw videos where u can see lumps moving around in the stomach when you are in the late third trimester and that kinda is creepy to watch... plus it feels really weird when she turns around...

Still kinda scared about the whole being a parent to a newborn thing..... kinda silly though its not like I am a teen or something, but it will be a big life change.

We have rented a house that we will move to at the end of April. I hope to do a house warming and have folks come over for food and to see it after we move in. It has three beds and baths and is nice, and in a nice area of the southern part of the city (yes apparently nice pockets do exist in the south) who knew. Its really near a kinda rough high school in my district so I was kinda cautious at first, but I think the little neighborhood itself is safe.

We had to move fast after loseing a house we wanted to rent in Rosemont because out apartment complex took 5 days to write a rental referal and someone eles applied for it.

Oh yea we got a crib from a freind for half price so tht was cool.
so yea thats all thats new now.

I think I am going to make my own crib set. Bumper free of course... maybe the cost a lot at baby stores and I am sure if I get enough fabric I could do curtains also. I am thinking multiple pinks and aqua for the colors.... gotta go to Joanns to see what kinda fabric they have.

So we found out the baby is going to be a little girl last week. I have started feeling her move around, and I finally look pregnant and not just fat. I had to tell them at work since my stomake literaly changed shape over the course of a few weeks as the baby moved up towards my belly button. We are excited.

Happy valentines day to all.

I got the flu so I get to stay home.

I had to do a 3 hour gestational diabetes test today cuzz I failed the first one hour one. I am scared I have diabetes and did not know it before baby came. I have been feeling really down about the possibility and kinda was majorly depressed and teary yesterday. took the test this morning and felt sick from the suger drink for the first hour and a half. they drew blood 4 times and my veins look like they went through hell now on my arms.....still pretty scared I will have to change my diet and whole way of life a second time...... so much change has been happening I am not taking it as well as I would like too......I hope the baby will beok.

This preggnancy thing with all this dietary restriction crap is driving me crazy. Today I had decaf with breakfast trying to be good but by this afternoon I was Jonesing so bad for some caffine that I said f it and made some tea. It has less caffne than coffee and I am definitly bellow the 200 mg a day limit. Yesterday I was in a 5 hour proff development. I had gotten a grande pepermint lattee with only one shot thinking I was being good, but then i remembered after drinking it that it had chocolate which also contains caffine. at the meeting people voted to skip lunch to be over an hour early, but the only snacks were mini candy bars..... I tried not to eat any but when i get hungry if i do not eat I get nausious and then if it gets worse I puke. So I ate two.....

earlier in the wek mog bought all these diet sodas and told me if I drink them it will be healthy. I had to tell him that I was not able to have them due to the fake sugar in them being bad for the baby. He wanted us to get lunch meat for lunch this week and I had to tell him I could get it for him but I can not eat it cuzz again it is bad for the baby..... I would do peanutbutter but someone at work is deathly allergic...... so I do not know what I will do for lunch yet. I will need to go shopping today.......on top of doing laundry and wanting to nap all day... bahhhhh.....

SO now I think I am over the initial shock of being pregnant, and all those unpleasant side effects that start up right away, but noone warns you about..... I am used to the slowed down metabolism and gasseyness, and I am finally the last few days able to get through a day without 18 hours of nausea.. now it is down to 2-6 hours a day, the bloating is going away which is nice too....

I am also trying to get used to the food restrictions. I would kill for a sunny side up egg right now, or like more caffine, or chocolate, ect... It is crazy how many dietary restrictions you suddenly have when your preggo.

I am finally releived that the feeling of not being quite right, is going away lately. I am ok with the idea of having a kid, but am still taking it a step at a time. I have my first appointment to see a doctor about it on Monday and they said we might hear it;s heart beat which is crazy since its so young yet. I have also started crocheting it a blanket...... I got a few books on being with child so that is good. I am not sure if I will be able to suit or not for FC... apparently getting overheated can lead to miscarrage, as well as being in hot tubs, and taking hot baths.... (more things to miss)... SO I do not know.... Things are going better though :)

I found out yesterday that I am pregnant. Currently, I do not know anyone who is pregnant or who has had a baby. I do not have any pregnant freinds.... I wish I had someone to ask advise about it. So far it feels kinda like having a flu that never goes away i.e. puked Saterday and have felt sickish all week since. I work with people who may be pregnant or who have had kids, but I can not talk to them about it because I am afraid of losing my job since I'm a first year teacher and I have no tenure... It will look bad when I have to take a leave after not being there over a year. I will not be working there quite a year before it comes ( like 3 weeks before) and I prolly wont be able to get the federal family leave stuff where they cant fire me if I take off time to have a kid since it will arrive a few weeks before I will have been there a year. I will also be 3 weeks to early to take advantage of the district deal where if your preggo you can take up to a year off unpaid and get your job back. I do not want a whole year but I do want at least a few months .....

Sometimes I worry that I might lose some of the freinds I have because taking care of a kid will take up a bunch of time, and who wants to be around a crying baby all the time you know?

I also worry about loosing it. I am very overweight and apparently that boosts the chance of having a miscarriage. I really do not know what to do or say right now.....I am really just scared. Scared that I will be fired and we will loose our insurance, scared that I will not be able to take any time off and one of us might have to quit our jobs to take care of it untill it is old enough to go to daycare, scared that we wont be able to live on one person's salary, scared it might have birth defects, or that we will be bad parents, or I do not know... just scared sh@tless honestly.

Has anyone else ever gone through this or have any advice? It be awesome if I could hear from another fur who has actuality gone through something like this or is currently...

Currently working on some Tres Leche cupcakes, and for dinner I am trying a new sour cream enchilada recipe.

Cooking makes me happy :)

I really enjoy baking especially when I am stressed out. Tonight I finally have a little bit of time to do something I want to do so I think I will choose to bake. My goal is to make rainbow (or as many colors as I have food coloring) lemon cake with home-made blueberry butter cream frosting. If it turns out I may be bringing them to FC picnic. I like making brightly colored baked goods but have noticed in the past that anything with lime green frosting freaks people out and they wont eat it sooo we will see how rainbow blueberry ones turn out.

If you are at FC picnic please come on over and say hello. You might end up with a tasy lemon flavored rainbow cupcake with home made blueberry butter cream frosting for your trouble. :)

My new job is going good so far. We are almost done unpacking the living room and want to have some folks over for a game night or craft night type thing soon.

You know when you see a fursuit that look similar to one of your designes you created and posted on FA like a lifetime ago but have not got around to making yet! It kinda sucks cuzz you realize that even though you came up with this design like 4 or 5 years ago before this simialar suit was ever thought up or made everyone will think you copied their suit..... yea I am having one of those moments......It was like my most unique looking design too, and I already bought all the fur/supplies. I know it was prolly not copied or whatever, I guess that sometimes people think up simalar stuff. still kinda sucks though. Would you still make it even if it was simliar?

Here I borrowed this meme from Beastcub!

1. Did you date someone from your school?
Not really I went to the ROTC dance freshman year with this one dude I had a huge crush on but I think he only asked me cuzz he did not wanna go with this fat black girl who had asked him out. He litteraly asked me by saying to this chick oh no I cant go to the dance with you because Crona and I are already going right Crona?" It kinda sucked since the entire dance he just was outside smoking ewww.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
Hahahahaha nope not either of the two I went to though I was prolly like a rareity in that most of the kids I graduated with I think did.

3. Did you car pool to school?
Not exactly. I carpooled to and from the bus stop since it was five miles from where we lived. my school was like 25-30 miles away so my parents made me take the bus.

4. What kind of car did you have?
None. My dad was too freaked out about putting me on the car insurance. I took drivers ed but did not finish it because they never game me drive time. I got my license at 21.
5. What kind of car do you have now?
I have a epic subaru forester 2009. It is a awseom feild vehicle and you can not beat the awsoem moonroof.

6. It's Friday night...where are you (in High school)?
On Fridays we would go 'walking' which ment that large groups of us 3-10 kids would go walkign around the dirt roads after dark.... we lived over 20 miles from town and like over 60 miles from the nearest movie theater so we kinda had to make our own fun.... yeah...

7. It is Friday night...where are you?
Going out on date night with my fabulous furry husband. Going to a movie or dinner or both, or just spending time with eachother. :) Yes ladies it is possible to get the full furry package in a hubby. *winks*

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
I did not have a car or live close enough to town to work for money, but I did volenteer and like was a aid in the school library for two and a half years. My first real job in college that I got paid for was at a library.

9. What kind of job do you do now?
I do so many jobs now....but i guess it can be summed up as a teacherface!

10. Were you a party animal?
I did not go to many parties in High school. The only wild party that comes to mind that I went to was like a graduation one a kid in my neighborhood had. His mom was there and was allowing underage drinking. I did not drink then so it was kinda weird....

11. Were you considered a flirt?
I do not think other kids thought so but, I did flirt with A LOT of boys, a lot of boys, I was pretty much your standard boy crazy teen actully.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
nope.

13. Were you a nerd?
Yes. I graduated with over a 4.0 in High School. I read alot, and kids would make fun of me because I used to draw my eyeliner on like an eqyptian. I got asked if I was like a witch a lot which I wasent I was just under the mistaken idea that the eyeliner made me look like sexy and cool LOL. my nickname was also DARIA in high school..... you know from MTV? so yea.... I was nerdface the nerd in high school . That was ok since the most popular dudes in my class were also nerds so I was in good company.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
Hahahahaha no I was never even sent to the office in High school, and I do not think I even got any detentions thinking back on it. I was soooooo good.

15. Can you sing the fight song?
Nope

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
I really liked my senior year Economics/world geography teacher. he had been a collage basketball coach and had recruited kids from AFRICA. He was realy forward thinking and he taught me how to think for my self and not go with what everyone else though. He taught me not to be a sheep, but to chart my own course in life.

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
With this group from my neighborhood it was two sisters and thier cousin. We all lived in the poor bad area so were expected to sit together. We sat on a table outside everyday.

18. What was your school's full name?
Big Sandy High School It was the english interpretation of the native american name for the area. It was one of the origonal Indian school the US made back in the 40's and 50's to americanize Native American kids. When integration happened they brought in the nearby farm kids.

19. When did you graduate?
2001

20. What was your school mascot?
wildcat

21. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
No way. It was not fun.

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
I guess. I was on prom commitiee for junior prom and went alone. Unfortunagtly my stepmom and her freind drive me and decided to stay at the hotel we had prom at all night. So they kept lookign in which was embarrising then got drunk. At senior prom I invited my female best freind to go with me (no I am not into girls) I was just a geek like that. We had fun. I rarely got to see her cuzz she lived 100 miles away. I remember her dad waited in the parking lot like all of prom though which was embarissing.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with?
Yes mostly on Facebook. She is married with two cute little boys now.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
I would not mind going back but I am not sure where/when the reunions are and its halfway across the country.

25. Do you still talk to people from school?
On facebook

26. If you could change one thing about your high school experience what would it be?
Stop the sexual harrassment and other stuff that happened on the bus and made my life a misery.