I want to apologize to anybody that has been in my path this week, and also thank them for putting up with me and giving me support. This past week has been possibly the worst week of my life so far (Im not really comfortable into going about why on a FA journal). I have found what the words "true friend" really mean, and it seems that I have more then I thought. It gets me to the point of crying that people actually care for me as much as they do. I've never had this in my life, until the past few years. But until now, I've never really truly realized it.

So thank you to all those friends for being in my life. I have so much love for you all.

I've never felt so bad before. Love is too powerful and is making me misserable right now. What a fun way to start a New Year... Crying myself to sleep everynight.

Taken from  aiwait's journal

I'm afraid of 21 out of 75 common fears.


[X] public speaking
[ ] staying single forever
[X] Rejection
[ ] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[X] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[X] heights
[ ] dogs
[ ] fish
[X] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
[X] that Scary guy...
[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[ ] deep water
[X] snakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[X] failure
[ ] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] rats
[ ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[X] death
[ ] heaven
[X] being robbed
[ ] falling
[ ] clowns
[X] dolls (those really old creepy ones, you know which ones i mean)
[X] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[ ] having great responsibilities
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[XX] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[X] incurable diseases
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[X] ghosts
[X] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[X] becoming blind
[X] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up
[X] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings (only cuz i dunno if im allergic or not D: )
[X] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[X] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speed
[ ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
[ ] super secret

Final Total: 21

If you wish to post this in your journal, it's been requested that you title it I'm afraid of __ out of 75 common fears.

If you get more than 30, I strongly recommend some counseling.
If you get more than 20, you’re paranoid.
If you get 10-20, you are normal.
{{{If you get 10 or less, you're fearless.}}}
People who don’t have any are liars.

Woo Hoo! I don't care if nobody looks like they do in the cartoon. This movie is hopefully gonna fuckin rock. From the teaser it kinda looked shitty. But the new trailer makes it look soooo much better.

http://uk.movies.ign.com/dor/object.....rc_121108.html

Thank you everbody that's watching me! 300 of you now ^_^ makes me soo happy!

I'll be drawing more soon I promise, It's the last week of school so I'll have more time to myself after Friday.

But once again THANK YOU. *squeels*

Yup, Im 22 today. But it totally doesn't feel like it. Its been a normal day so far, woke up early, went to school, came home and feel asleep. I'm going to go to dinner later with my parents, but thats about it.

Kinda feelin down about it actually. I'm so freaking stressed out with school that not even a birthday is making me even slightly happy. Kinda makes it feel worse that a bunch of my friends are going to see Bolt tonight, and I really want to see if, but they are going to see it earlier then I can, so I can't even do that. Probably selfish of me to say, but I wish they would change the time so I can go and see it with everybody so I can do something slightly fun on my birthday. Sorta feels like "happy birthday we're gonna go see the movie you haven't stopped talking about without you ^_^"

Bah,
Emotear.

Last night and today have been so incredibly shitty and it makes me wonder... Is there something out there that wants me to be hurt, die, or fail?

It started last night when I went to dinner at Sonic's. I got a burger and brought it over to  bianka house. The first bite into there burger I ended up with a mustard and ketchup covered twisty tie that ended up in the burger somehow. So great, that could of royally hurt me if I wasn't lucky.Then after coming home I felt sick, which has carried over into today. So here I am sniffling and sneezing like mad with my head pounding and I decided I wanted to get some lunch before I have to head out to school. I start backing down the drive way and notice, hey my tire is completely flat. So great, now I can't go to school, which I've already missed enough of as it is.

I think I'm just going to sit here and sleep today so nothing else can happen.

It sorta kinda snowed today I think... Lol. There were small white flakes in the air, but they melted before they actually hit something so i couldn't tell if it was actually snow or not. But I got excited anyways :P

Okay, screw the going offline thing, that didn't help at all. I just found other ways to be distracted. So I'm gonna do a Meme XD.

1. Open your music library.
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.
7. ???
8. PROFIT!

Songs:

Opening Credits:
My Life Story - MXPX (Hmmm... insteresting and oddly appropriate.)

Waking Up:
Lay it On Ya - Ugly Duckling (Greatest hip-hop group Evah ^.^)

First Day At School:
Float On - Modest Mouse

Falling In love:
Crown of Thorns - Social Distortion

Fight Song:
180 Degrees - NoFX (that'd be a pretty chill fight if this playing the background)

Breaking Up:
Testify - Rage Against the Machine

Prom:
...Moves on - Starflyer 59

Life's OK:
Business Time - Flight of the Conchords (LMAO)

Mental Breakdown:
Secondary - Brand New

Driving:
Set Free - Stretch Arm Strong

Flashback:
Rosie Darko - Micheal Andrews (Can't believe I have this soundtrack but have never seen the movie)

Getting Back Together:
Mike's Waiting - Cootees (These songs are fitting quite well, Lol)

Wedding:
Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash (wish you were here) - Fall Out Boy

Birth of Child:
Tenderloin - NoFX

Final Battle:
Return Of The Fly - The Misfits

Death Scene:
Caring Is Creepy - The Shins

Funeral Song:
Posed to Death - The Faint (Oh man, if only this and the last song were switched XD)

End Credits:
Situations - Jack Johnson (Perfect! This really is a song I would have a song for ending credits)

Alright, So I'm so screwed when It comes to school and I really need to catch up. So I'm making the decision to stay offline until this weekend, to get work done. (cause I can't stay offline this weekend cause of the Intel LANfest.) So, for those of you I'm in contact with or care. I'm gonna vanish for awhile.

[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?

Yeah, sure.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized, and become a strung-out, whithered hust of a man/woman you are now?

I'm not sure really, probably not. I'm not into drugs at all, though I am curious as to what makes them so attractive to so many people.

[03] Abortion: for or against it?

Definitly for it. The world is overpopulated as it is. And if somebody wants to get an abortion, they probably wouldn't make a good parent anyways if they wanted to get rid of the child before it was born.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?

No... but if the world had only one leader. We'd be fucked.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?

Yus! If the crime was that bad, they probably deserve it. I admit though, It'd have to be a horrible crime to constitute the death penalty.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?

Sure... I guess, I don't smoke so it doesn't matter to me.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?

I like sex.... so what do you think. Plus I'm gay, so I can't really get Married, so if I was against it, I'd never get any.

[08] Do you believe in God?

Negative! I don't believe in any higher being, or anything like that. Just implants false hope. And personally I'd rather have no hope then false hope.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?

Yes, because its about more then just marriage. As a friend once showed me. Its about human rights. And they are saying that basically gay people are not human, and shouldn't hold the same rights.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?

Sort of, but then again I don't believe in denying people of their choices, and moving over land to find a better life is a good choice, even though it may harm others.

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?

Ummm.... No, I can't say I'd think that would be good, but then again the girl would be living with her mom, so the mom would probably take more care of it then the 12 year old would.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?

When I was under 21, I thought yes, but now that I'm over 21, I see that it would probably be a really bad idea. Kids aren't responsible enough for getting drunk and going to bars. Hell, most 25 year olds aren't even mature or responsible enough to be drinking.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?

In Iraq... yes. We should never of been there in the first place, trying to fight a two front war.

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?

I don't know what to think about this. Honestly... It's just too fucked up to think about. Its my worst fear to have somebody close to me die, especially of suicide, if that happens it mean I've failed as a friend, and as a person.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?

I dunno. Don't really care. I was never spanked and I turned out a good person, never have the desire to cause trouble or anything.

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?

Oh yeah, you wouldn't have to pay me that much to do that. Flags are and evil evil thing.

[17] Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?

They are both politicians, they are both going to suck ass... But I do believe that Obama will suck less ass.

[18] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?

No not really. I'm pretty hard core in my beliefs. I've pissed plenty of people off in the past by saying them.

[19] The President has been kidnapped by NINJAS! Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the President??

GO NINJAS! Even though I'm pretty badass, I wouldn't save some dude that tells me what I can and can't do in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about myself lately because of recent emotions I've been having. And well, I came to a conclusion lately and that is... I want to change, no! I need to change. There are certain things about me that I despise, I thought I'd list them here for some reason. Maybe it's so all of you can get a glimpse as to who I am, who I want to be, and what makes me tick. Most or all of these, I'm going to start changing as of now.

1. I need to stop biting my finger nails. I want to be as girly as possible for a boy, but yet I have the ugliest looking finger nails you'll ever see cause I have a horrible habit biting on them constantly, and when I run out of nail... I start on the skin.

2. I need stop chewing on things... If you could see me all the time, you'd think I was teething. I almost always have something in my mouth and my teeth are in horrible condition because of it.

3. I need to stop over thinking things. I analyze everything, I come to conclusions faster then I should and they effect me emotionally really hard.

4. I need to be cleaner. Even though I dream to be a girly boi, I seem to be far from it. Its bad to admit, and maybe too much information for some of you. But I am horrible with keeping my body clean, I only shower like once or twice a week, and I don't wear any cologne or deodorant. Its horrible I know.

5. I need to stop holding my feelings in... This one cost me the person I love most in the world, and it wasn't until recently that I've been able to let my true feelings out. Unfortunately, it was too late, and it hurts... bad. I've never felt such emotional torture before, and I hope to get over it soon and never feel it again.

6. I need to stop drinking energy drinks. I've been drinking two a day for the past two weeks and its causing havoc to my insides and mentally as well.

7. I need to loose weight. Once I moved away from my parents I gained about 30 pounds. Now I need to loose it and get myself to the gym.

8. I need to stop caring about what people think of me. I've always been deathly scared of people finding out that I'm gay, not so much close friends and furs. But people I go to school with and random strangers. My parents sort of know, but they are hurt by it and choose to try and ignore it. I just don't know why I care so much.

9. I've been hinting at this one, and going with the one above this... I want to be more girly. The only girly thing I do right now is cross-dress a bit when I'm around friends I'm comfortable with inside the house. That's it though, I want to give a true attempt to pull it off and feel comfortable and wear it outside and such.

10. I want my art to change. I know I am improving, but I truely don't care for my style, nor do I care for where its headed. I'm going to be spending a lot of time working on a new style cause its becoming hard for me to finish anything cause I don't like certain things about the way I draw.

Well... I'll leave it at that for now. Hope you enjoyed a little bit of whats been going through my head, and maybe you learned something about me... or something you didn't want to know about me XP.

Oh and ask me questions. I'm bored... ask me anything and I'll answer to the best of my ability.

I appologize if I've been acting weird lately, and not posting much. Or deleting my already made submissions. For those of you that saw it, im sorry, I didn't really want to ever post something like that. But I've been having a hard time lately, and that really helped out with my feelings. So it served it's purpose, so I took it down cause its pretty personal.

I'm hoping my emotional situation gets better, so I can back on track and get things done with both personal projects and school.

Hey everybody, thanks for helping me reach 2000 page views. I know its not much compared to most, but to me, its a sign that I'm improving and more of you are looking at my artwork. So thank you soooo much, *lotsa hugs and kisses*
___________ ________ _____ ___ ____ __ _

I started up school again, and just from the first day its going to be kicking my ass. You probably won't being seeing many colored things from me, I'll try to post inked drawing and sketches more often, and occasionally do some stuff from assignments. I'm also trying my hardest to work on commissions. Unfortunately, I didn't meet my deadline for those, so now they are going to take a bit longer. Sorry  silverkun and  mileszelos , If you have issues with that let me know and I can see what I can do.

I also jumped on the bandwagon and joined Twitter. My username on there is Dekri... like always. Look me up if your interested. The most people look at it, the more I'll be likely to update it.

I'm sure all you know that FAP has been taken down. But my question is, does anybody know the true reason why?

From what I see the whole thing seems a bit off. From what I noticed, I saw everybody donating to the site when FA was down, and then when FA came back up, it seems like he took those donations and ran off, making a whole ton of money by basically taking it from people.

The whole situation seems off to me. If I'm wrong let me know, but thats my thoughts on it.

Okay, I'm getting really really aggrivated at myself with this. And I need peoples input and help.

I'm watching all these artist pump out artwork of amazing quality in what seems like blistering fast times. My question is how? What are they doing that is making it so easy to color something in a day. For a single drawing, If im coloring all day, will take me about 3 or 4 days to complete. And Honestly I don't know how I can possibly go any faster.

My steps go like this. Scan in sketch and start it up in SAI, then I go over and Ink it. That doesn't take me too long, a couple of hours. Then I lay down all the base colors using the brush tool, then I shade it and add lighting using the airbrush tool. Then quickly go over it with the water tool to smoothen it. Then I go back and erase the layers around the lines individually using the eraser tool, This is the part that seems to take me the longest. But I can't find any other way to do it, cause the magic wand tool sucks so much, unless I'm not using it right.

I don't know. It really gets on my nerves that it takes me soo damn long to finish anything while I watch people post a billion things.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated. I really don't want to go sending notes to those popular, busy, artists asking stupid questions that sound like they should be common sense, unless I really really have to.

http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2008/08/2.....ddick-sequels/

Yay! So excited! Go and read that if you are a Riddick fan... If not, just continue looking at my art and help me feel good. ^.^

Yay! Going to the Intel LAN Fest in October!

Any other furs going? I saw 3 furs I know on the registration list. But none of them so far have picked their seats.

If your going let me know, I'd like to meet ya. It's at the Budweiser event center on Oct. 18th and 19th. Im in seat G2, sitting next to my room mate and bestest friend ever  xxPawzxx

I'm going to open up for commissions again.

Sketch (no ink) - $5
Inked - $10
Badge - $10
Basic Color (flat) - $15
Color - $20
Additional characters add - $5-10 (depending on the pose)

There will be a small charge for shipping if you choose to have the image shipped to you. Anything Adult I won't be able to print in color though, cause I don't have a color printer, or anywhere to print the image. Maybe in a month or so I might be able to attempt to print it at my school, but I'd have to sneak print it, which is kinda hard to do.

Send me a note or comment here letting me know if you are interested.

(PS. Foxxyfire, Ill have yours done first.)

Hello everybody! Sorry for not having any new artwork to post up, I have a ton in the works, but nothing finished cause I'm a lazy bum.

As I said though I should have lots of work finished in the next two weeks. I thought I would have things faster, but I'm still trying to figure out the best way for me to shade my art.

Im super stoked though, I'm going to... *sings* "Vivaaa, Las Vegas", with  syntaxx and  bianka on the 11th. That should be super sweet, but I have no money to spend on gambling or shows, so there will probably be a lot of downtime for me. So I'm planning on bringing the laptop and tablet so I can finish some of the drawings.

School starts back up in less then a month, so I'll more then likely disappear for awhile, or.... I show up with a ton of drawings and animations to show. Since It is my final year and I have to make a demo reel to get a job anywhere. There will probably be plenty of animation to go around.

P.S. Does the whole submission list starting with older submissions drive anybody else nuts? I hated FAP for having to click to make images bigger, now I'm hating FA for showing me submissions I've already seen before first.

Stan Winston died on Sunday. He was a god of special effects. It's sad to see him go.

He worked on films Jurassic Park, Aliens, and more recently Iron Man. And was currently working on the new Terminator movie.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0935644/

I want to go to Elitch Gardens and or Waterworld soon.

Those who want to go, let me know when would be the best time. I would prefer it to be on a Sunday, but I'm flexible. Let me know, so I can make a definite date to go so people can take work off if they want to.

I want to OC! Enough said.

Though I've kind of hit a road block. I've tried to connect with  Big_Benny but every time I try, I get an error that says, "???????? 10060." I don't know what it is, I don't know if I just can't connect to him, or if its an issue that gonna reoccur with everyone. I've looked it up, and found people with the same error, but still no answer.

Anyways, If it is just the connection between him and I. I want to try to connect with somebody else.

So let me know if you want to OC. send me a note, or talk to me on MSN: handrailassassin[at]msn.com

Its finals time, so expect me to be MIA for a little while while I finish and recover from them.

Happy Easter to all those who celebrate it. I'm not religious, but I can't pass over chocolate covered bunnies, (insert naughty thoughts here).

I seriously forgot how to draw, Im not kidding. I know I've never been pleased with my drawing, but this.... this is bad. I can't draw even the simplest pose. It's like I don't know what the human body looks like anymore. If you have any pointers in getting out of this funk I'm in, help me.

On that note, don't expect much artwork from me right now. Especially since I have like a month of finals due a month before finals should be. Fucking art school! I swear, sometimes I wonder if my backup plan of being a marine biologist would've been a better choice.