I find this whole series a fascinating glimpse at how difficult it truly was in Victorian England, particularly the cities: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPRqjSfoKMo

So Vyvanse absolutely did help with focus; I was better able to write than ever, but it also vastly worsened my feelings of mania during a manic episode, to EXTREME levels. I'm embarrassed, extremely, with what I was turned into and never want to go back to that ever again.

Abilify has been there to help with the bipolar disorder, but since I was taken off wellbutrin and vyvanse, it has been very difficult for me to manage my ADHD, I've found it difficult to sit through an episode of Columbo with mom without moving from three different seats and doing some exercising while watching, and I'll cycle through seven to eight games because of lack of focus.

I feel like I have to become a whole new person; my Second Life account's inventory has been nuked after I lost my password for it, which just further solidifies to me how much of a new person I have to be everywhere. In life, I can't just keep living the way I have been doing -- which has been escaping from the world indefinitely. I need to live, I need to do things, and I need to actually get a job for once.

I've had a pathetically slow start to live. I'm 36 years old, but it feels like I'm still in my teens for how immature I am.

Jesus christ I'm going to be 40 years old in a few years and I'm still this pathetic, still this much an overgrown child that is barely able to handle responsibilities....

She can't remember her own name. She was also so damn stubborn and independent, but also this family just couldn't afford to, or want to, put her in a home even if we could. She sleeps all day every day, and has been hiding her pills, including for hypothyroidism.

I feel like I'm living in a tomb. The latest solution has been me putting posters up on the wall to make this place feel more "me", but it's so hard to see the person I used to know as a shell of who they were.

I don't have to do most of the heavy work, mom does that for me -- including cleaning after grandmom because she doesn't notice how she's soiling her own bedsheets.

I hate it here.

Lots of progress over time. Lots more exercise. Managing my ADHD in my own way until meds can help. On the path to getting back onto HRT (Though maybe I'm having second thoughts about that? I don't know. I think it helped, but also presenting isn't so easy for me. Oof.)

I've been so isolated most of my life and moved around so much that it's really hurt my ability to interact, and I've had real difficulties figuring out social. I have all my life really. The ADHD and mood swings didn't help. Now I have something for the mood swings.

Been practicing journaling physically for the past three days, writing down progress and things I'm grateful for. It's hard to believe how much I've been getting done over just a few days, all told, even if it's as simple as clearing out some of the junk in my room and setting myself up, doing little things.

All told tho? I'm a very broken mess of a person and it's hard to have much confidence I can deal with the world. That anxiety just won't leave me.

my ADHD makes me feel like every day is a chore of filling up time but not being able to focus enough to *enjoy* anything.

It's making existing very very very difficult right now, even though nothing is wrong with me, I'm otherwise healthy, and I'm surrounded by opportunities of sorts. Hm.

I'm doing journaling, that fills up time and lets me get down thoughts.

Also making little steps cleaning up the place!

I feel like a cross between needing to DO THINGS physically (to the point of distraction and discomfort) and too tired to do anything (to the point of distractoin and discomfort when doing things sometimes).

I'm on a medication for bipolar symptoms, but was taken off Wellbutrin, and I wonder if this has something to do with it. So my moods are more stable, but my ADD has reared its ugly head and now I know what it's like without the meds for it.

Going on walks more, doing more exercise, talking with people more, pulling myself out of my dark corner.

It's been a wild ride in my life, and I'm not sure what direction to go in at this point, but I can at least deal with this anxiety and depression that's keeping me down. Or try to.

Starting here! Six vids so far, and I'm not even past the first day haha. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icC3MXnGx6Q

Sorry about all the drama. I had decades of shit I went through emotionally and mentally to unpack.

I'm talking with friends lately and thanks to my mom we've been pulling each other out of our traumazones we were in. Mom has been absolutely miserable here, and the neighbor hasn't been helping. Thanks to me she's happier than ever. Thanks to her I had a space to just... *deal*.

Lord my mistakes have been costly tho.

By the way
Want a free education?

khanacademy.com

It works well with ADD tbh I love it

I don't care on what, find your own prompt, but write 1000 words whenever convenient. A character snippet, an action scene. Build on it later, or keep it flash fic. Anyone can do this, you don't need to be a writer.


Have fun.

Tenacious Unicorn Ranch twitter: https://twitter.com/TenaciousRanch?.....Ctwgr%5Eauthor

Please help the Tenacious Unicorn Ranch. You can go to their website and buy materials, calendars, etc. made with real alpaca wool in a trans commune.

A fucking waste of space piece of garbage that deserves to be thrown out. 🗑

I have an octopus shirt to wear and a bottle of wine with an octopus logo to pour out for her.

She committed suicide just outside of my apartment in mid-august in Federal Way, Washington; I forget the exact date, but it doesn't really matter. Her funeral was in Orange County, California, where a conservative as fuck funeral home used Washington and California law to justify things -- justifying through flimsy logic ignoring the Respect After Death Act in California. They told us her death would be respected; they did not expect a roving trans mafia to show up mad at their lies.

I will be filming it and then putting it up on the Discord server I erected in remembrance of her. I haven't even looked into that server since I set it up. I just couldn't bear it...

And at the risk of feeding negative thoughts, I hope her transphobic father that stole her HRT meds and drove her into the pit of despair as he did gets all he deserves. I know it wasn't her mother; Natalie's mother cried over her, while the father watched, not letting her gender her daughter correctly.

I hope he feels just a fraction of the agony she went through, and I hope he feels FAR more than she ever felt. I hate him so fucking much for taking her from me.

I never got as close to you as I wanted, Natalie. I still don't know if I have any right to tell you how much I cared about you and loved you. I don't know how things would have gone down... but you were always kind and caring to me. You tried to teach me things, to ask me about myself when others ignored the real me. I can only think of what could have been. I'm sorry for that.

Journal text

In comes the new boss, supposedly better than the old boss. https://www.vice.com/en/article/k78.....ration-shelter

Was wondering if it was too far to bring up politics in my journal, but while I'm here and have a voice, I will not shut up about this shit.

ICE is a rogue agency and this shit needs to end. These are human beings.

https://www.engadget.com/the-mornin.....111535622.html

"It may share personal data with "any competent law enforcement body, regulatory, government agency, court or other third party where we believe disclosure is necessary.”"

Considering Audacity has access to your microphone, this has very bad implications.

Anyways, give the land back to indigenous people and stop setting fires all over with fireworks.

I'm tired of living in a house with someone who will never see me or talk to me the same way she did.

I'm tired of feeling a stranger in this home because she cannot remember I live here.

Destroy Dementia. Give it a physical form and I'll pick my weapon and handle the rest. Trust me, I've been waiting for this moment for years.

Honestly the best themes I can imagine are:

Atma weapon metal version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYJhj6rwOiI

Four Fiends metal version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0y7JCls2nug

I'd love a song between these two. But also something vaster, darker, more cosmic in feel. Hmm.

I really need to start commissioning music.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/08/.....ra-langar.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hf9Obh3E5IM

Charitable AND martial arts.

I have nothing but respect for them.

You're worth more than your weight in gold to me.

I care about you all.

Getting really sick and tired of the video games lately, and just listening to a few James Stephanie Sterling videos say why.

Can't look at a single MMO or any AAA monetization without seeing the same thing. They act like a "whale" is a person loaded with money, not a kid maxing out their parent's credit cards, or adults without someone to them to stop spending the money.

It's predatory, and it targets people with low self control and gambling addictions. We've known about this for a long time, but it's only going to get even worse. The marketing rooms are LOVING how profitable stuff like Clash of the Clans is or whatever.

You got Harry Potter phone games that try to bilk money from you just to watch progress bars fill up faster, directly targeting children.

The industry is rotten from the inside and out. Cling onto the few good indie devs and stop paying into this. But even if you do, someone else will pay them, so even that won't help!