Been a while since I wrote one of these huh?
So, yeah. Hello again!

I've been studying programming with Python now during 2025, and now my studies have concluded.
Although, I am leaning into continuing with other studies now during the autumn of 2025.

But from learning how to code with Python to operating CNC-machinery. Industry. True industry.
I still want to have a real, tangible job and a stable income.

Slowly since late 2024 I've seen a jump in viewership and I don't know what to say.
Thanks? Thanks I guess. From the darkest place of my heart- thank you so much ❤️

Once again, I never expected any viewership as I only joined DA and FA just to look at art.
I mean, I've always drawn on the side since it's my passion to draw but I never expected to get any kind of following myself.

"The Project"
What was it? Well, you have seen me drawing that green goblin Vivian and now recently the red demon Ruby along with sketches of some robot nicknamed "Delta".
The plan for these characters, actual "original characters" (man, I hate that term), was for a new creative endeavour for a fresh new start.

The idea was born during my 2023 IT-studies when I was heavily inspired by watching vtuber content on the web'.
I was like "Maybe I can bring something to that space!"... But more and more during my studies and realizing that I lack the personality to speak out loud live- I put the idea on ice.

But ever since, I kept scribbling these characters- and asked someone;
"Should I show these characters? I mean, this thing will never take off- but maybe someone would like to see these..."
"Yes." Was pretty much the response.
So I did, and I've noticed people are actually enjoying these crappy artworks.

Well, I always say they're crappy- but I keep at it since I love drawing.
It's the experience of you using your own mechanical skill to use your arms and hands to put something down on paper or monitor.
Create something, from nothing.

Try it. If I could get any kind of following, you too can.

Don't tell me you can't draw because your are left handed- I've seen great artists being left handed creating amazing things.
Don't tell me you can't draw because "You are not skilled enough"- most artists are probably feeling that too.
We all want to be our better selves.

Which then leads me to something. Especially after having coded with Python.

AI bros have told artists to "just learn to code!"- so I did. I know a bit now, not too much- but I can probably create something with these new skills.
Even I can point out issues with Pirate Software's code with Heartbound, even if it is a different coding language!

Most of my classmates wanted to become "AI researchers", so I've been bombarded with AI talk everyday in school
This leads me to another thing... Which may be controversial but hear me out;

AI has helped me be more creative than ever before!
"HOW?!" you may ask.

It's psychological, not using AI- but the prospect of it's existence at all.

Before the advent of AI, I often looked at others art and thought;
"Nope, I will never be good as this artist- it's so over. Just quit already."

Some time into the AI apocalypse something happened to me when I sat down drawing my scribbles;
I stopped comparing myself to others.

I didn't think about it at the time as I started to draw more and more but then it struck me, kinda like what Syndrome is saying in The Incredibles;
(copied from IMDB quotes)
And when I'm old and I've had my fun, I'll sell my inventions so that everyone can be superheroes. Everyone can be super! And when everyone's super...
[laughs maniacally]
Syndrome: ... no one will be.

Where am I going with this? Well, you see. My skills don't matter anymore. Why should I compare myself to others?
Why should I look at others art and think I am awful at art? I should just do my own thing!

I mean, with the advent of AI- anyone can suddenly be an artist online!
If an AI bro can suddenly become popular by doing nothing, I can become something by actually doing something!

So if you are sitting there with an idea, just get to it and start drawing!
Like I saw someone mention on Twittah;
"You are somebody's favorite artist. Don't forget that!"

And so my studies end with me ending back up in unemployment.
These studies ended with an internship out there, and I managed to find one place to "work" at.
While this wasn't exactly what I studied for (IT-networking tech), I enjoyed my time at the support section at this electronics retail store.

But- if they need a guy they'll call me immediately, and I got a couple good references there too.

So, what's the plan now for 2024? Well, first of all- the plan is to find a job.
I still want to separate art from work but my mind is starting to sway.

My middle brother's bonus daughter got out from high school summer last year and she has been cooking alright.
Dunno why she doesn't publish a gallery to show what she have done, but I am happy I inspired her to keep drawing.

So why does my mind sway? Well, she does commissions.
Dunno if she is serious about those prices people pay for her work (she is pretty damn awesome when it comes to drawing) but seeing this is now a new year without work- I might look into Ko-Fi or something.

I feel mighty uncomfortable taking payment for a single picture, but donation or something when you (the viewer) like the stuff I do would feel nice.
Also, with Ko-Fi or similar I could show some of the spammy things I try on my own which are stuff I wouldn't normally upload.

Or streaming.
I've been doing some streaming (until Helldivers 2 came and destroyed things heh) but like some, I feel uncomfortable drawing in before an audience.
A test would be interesting though to see what people would say about me cookin'.

But I do know that I will during 2024 spend some time to properly train my drawing "skills" just like my brother's bonus daughter did for the longest time.
I got a couple books, I just need to dedicate some of my time to actually read them! >_<

Anyways, that's all for now- I hope you all will have a great day!

Hello hello world!

I just needed to report that studies are proceeding into the autumn and things are getting more intense.
Intense as in: tougher, more complicated and way more in-depth.

In the beginning of this autumn I also built my new computer finally, to be ready for Armored Core 6 which I have been waiting for some time.
I am still working my way through the game, but studies required more attention so it will take some time and walking the interwebs is dangerous as it is full of spoilers for the game now.

This also means it has taken some time to set everything up, and I will absolutely buy another M2 SSD drive for more storage as all games are quickly eating up space.
To my surprise when I reinstalled my antique Photoshop and legacy Wacom drivers I noticed something incredible: pen pressure works again!

Still need to copy over my old works so that I have my color codes intact, but I can tell two things for now;

1). Goblins. My brain have been infested with them shortstacks and I want to try my hand at that.
2). I am planning to do an external project which I am setting up... Hint: Streaming

userinput=input("So, you believe you can fight the AI-overlords...\nTry entertaining me!\nSo answer me, will you resist me?\nYes or No: ")
while True:
if userinput=="Yes":
print("Resistance is futile")
userinput=input("Mortal, you are entertaining me!\nTry again- Yes or No: ")
elif userinput=="yes":
print("Resistance is futile")
userinput=input("Mortal, you are entertaining me!\nTry again- Yes or No: ")
elif userinput=="No":
print("Thank you for your data, we will get along well.")
userinput=input("Mortal, you are giving up your creativity, surely you can do better than that?\nGo on, do you want to resist me or not- Yes or No: ")
elif userinput=="no":
print("Thank you for your data, we will get along well.")
userinput=input("Mortal, you are giving up your creativity, surely you can do better than that?\nGo on, do you want to resist me or not- Yes or No: ")
else:
print("While I didn't understand you, it shows your intellect has been avoiding you.")
userinput=input("Try again to fight me, entertain me mortal one.\nAnswer me mortal, with a Yes or No: ")
# Now, let's continue;

So, I've been thinking. This has been a rough year so far, at least mentally taxing.
I have wanted to go back into drawing but it feels so bad, it always does- having the gloomy cloud hovering above my head that everything said and posted online will sooner or later be fed into an AI algorithm somewhere.

It's like what the Borg said in Star Trek: The Next Generation... "Resistance is futile".

Even if I were to decide to refuse uploading anything at DA it's quite easy to find me on the web anyways.
Right click and save as. That's all that's required. Or Shift+Windows Key+S and drag a box around the picture.

I got something cooking now and the only thing I can do is accept my fate.
But I will return to uploading at DA again. Maybe also I will make an reintroduction to a site which I realized I had an account on, that's been around since 2001 apparently.

Anyways, seeing that I will build a new computer this year may have inspired me to try something new.
The "project" as I call it will be a new experience for me if it actually materializes, but I should at least try as I am not getting any younger.

So with my final words for this journal entry;
"To create is to destroy"

Long time to see (again), Fur Affinity.

Hmmm, so how to begin with this... Things have happened during 2022. It's gonna be about them AI's.
Well, I guess it has been a long time coming and I feel like I have to say something.
And yes, I should have written this journal by the new years like I did over at DeviantArt.

I first found the furry community through a guy in the early 2000's when I was playing Unreal Tournament 2k4. He made skins for the game. Furry reskins for a couple of models.
He led me to DeviantArt where I have enjoyed my time finding this kind of art. I mean, it was through him who made me interested in drawing this kind of stuff.

It really wasn't the plan that I would become part of it but I found my place in the fandom. Some time later I found this place (Fur Affinity).
In a sense, I think I found more activity here and overall- I enjoy this place more.
Once again, I will never claim to be much of an artist but I do enjoy watching art.

In the early 2020's something started to pop up over at DA and we were all joking about it.
Yes, it was the early days of AI generated art.

More and more over the years you got to hear how AI started to make it onto the mainstream media and now you hear about it everywhere.
They did it. The maniacs actually automated art.
And nowhere along the way did they think about what it would mean for real artists out there.
Commissions, art trades, bases, patreon funded artists are suddenly threatened.

During this unveiling of AI generated art I was mostly driving trucks for a living, fearing that would get automated before art.
Oh boy were I wrong. And it's constantly getting better.

But the situation is so bad now over at DA that I soon won't be able to tell if an artist is indeed a blood and true human being behind the screen, dedicating themselves to their craft or an AI bro entering a prompt.
I have never felt so confused, depressed and overally just simply demoralized that something that I enjoyed have been successfully automated.

I have struggled to draw stuff and it's an enjoyable experience, but in the back of my head I feel like this have all been for nothing.
While I will not delete my gallery over at DA, I have made the decision to posting new stuff here on Fur Affnity instead due to their stance on AI art.

And yes, some would say working with layers in Photoshop may also be a way of automation in a sense but- I still have to enter all settings and values manually.
Pathing that I use for drawing my lines (in a sense vector art) helps my shaky hands when drawing (which is clearly shown on my scrap gallery I think) and I could probably not live without it.

In another news, I lost my job last year. I only had it for one month.
They never told me exactly what I did wrong and only said that "I was not good enough" so I have decided to go back to school here in 2023.
Right now I am studying to become a network technician and hope it will give me a brighter future.

Making new art will be tough as this education is a pretty intense one with a lot of home studies but trust me - I want to keep drawing!

So I got a new job!
This has somewhat made me feel better as I have left trucking behind me now.

Looking back I can for sure say that there are parts of that kind of work that is ok for me.
I personally say that I kinda liked the isolation but due to there being so much paperwork in addition to other physical tasks I couldn't quite take it.
Basically combine the worst of physical work with shoveling mud from the tipper and then writing a frigging' report about it later... Yeah.
I am fine with just papers thank you.

So I went back to administrative work and this is my third week and apparently this is a way bigger operation than I expected! I mean, just the second week the whole organization (aprox 1.2k people) gathered for a huge conference in order to learn to know each other and have talks about how the organization grows and so on.

This sure is different to most jobs I have been on so far.

Although, now I have another problem (which will probably be fixed soon): my computer is acting up.
At first I expected my PSU to be broken so I bought a new one and surprise- computer troubles remain.
Basically when I play certain games my computer decide to kill itself right there and then (it reboots immediately after though).

Recent suspicions are laid upon corrupted drivers and the easiest way out of this is reformatting and starting over from scratch.

Speaking of broken things, for some reason I have lost pen pressure for my old Wacom Bamboo Pen! This makes shading way more difficult to draw as I can no longer adjust brush size with... Pen pressure.

I might give cellshading a try though since it's way more about ones and zeroes.

Anyways, that's it for now- over and out!

Well people, I am sorry for the lack of communication and well... Something to see.

As I noted last journal, I have left my trucking job.
I think personally it was for the best since I could not stand for what crazyness I stood for in that line of work.

So now I am quite quickly coming up on one year without a job.
Although, I have been off to multiple interviews but none has given me a job so far.

So if not a job, I am looking into getting an education. If I could get a better and safer job with an education I am all for it.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to let you guys know that I am indeed still alive.
I put up something in scraps today by the way- it's not much but it is something.

Man, I hate that word. Responsibility.

And yes, I am alive.

Work has taken it's toll on me lately and I have been exhausted for a long time when getting back to work.
I think I may have gotten the message that trucking is not for me.

When 2019 came to a close my current workplace was sold during my winter vacation (I had about 4 paid days in total), so I had to find a new one.

I worked at a new job from 2020 until to the summer of 2021 as I managed to screw up and lose my drivers licence in the line of work. Of course, what I did was wrong and I was punished for it but the weird part was that I lost my licence three entire months after the fact.

I paid my fines and thought 'OK, now thats done' but no, I lost it.
My boss at my job said to me that I could continue to drive even though I got the letter which said otherwise, I did what I decided to be the right thing and quit my job and take full responsibility- losing my drivers licence for real (although I got a new one about one month later).

Also, last year I had my first workplace accident whilst driving a truck. I managed to flip over, got a light concussion and I also injured my neck a bit. Nothing too bad but to this day I still feel it from time to time.

So yeah. Im unemployed again, planning to do something else.

Maybe I *SHOULD* go back to computers...

Yes, I am still alive and well.
But it has been hard for me to find the power and will to draw, I truly require the correct atmosphere to get into drawing.

I will need to change up my life for 2020 and the immediate future in order to get more energy for my own activities.

Also, (late) merry christmas- and have a great new year!

I was unlucky, perhaps I joined the trucking type of work too late into the year.
Since driving gravel and dirt jobs disappear during the winter time the company sadly decided not to extend my practice type of job into a full time job so I am back into unemployment.
While it is not confirmed that this was the reason, it feels more than likely since I was nice to all customers, drove safely through Stockholm's chaotic traffic and my coworkers liked me as a newbie driver.

I should try to get back into full gear with drawing, but it has proven difficult for quite some time. I have some scraps I could upload though, but I personally prefer upload finished works.
One problem with these scraps though is that I may or may not have evolved since I worked on those pieces, but I'd like to show that I am indeed still alive.

So, I am about a month into my new line of work as a trucker.
Basically I am driving gravel/dirt and other shaft materials, either to or from a project.

My impressions are that I should have gone through this darn trucking education years ago, directly after my excavator education...
Oh well, better late than never right?
When all is well and the the is rolling at max speed at the highway, then I truly feel like at home.
Other times when manuevering through complicated terrain my brain does flips inside my head.
And sinking through mud is always interesting... Spintires prepared me for this.

But, I have been feeling rather disturbed or maybe stressed since there are alot of details and rules (and then I mean ALOT of rules) to understand and to have fully memorized.
Basically when I come home from work I am like completely paralyzed, unable to concentrate on gaming or drawing or anything at all for that matter. Just completely frozen.
Sure does not help that I have to force myself to bed 9 pm when I have for a longer time been staying up for 11:00 pm or almost midnight... This is because I have to go up 4:45 am in the morning, I need that sleep wether I like it or not.

For the most part I have been watching series or Youtube when coming home, since I lack any energy to do anything when getting home.
I hope this is just temporary since for the moment I have lost almost all my energy to draw anything like at all. Productivity has ceased.

Weekends have become weird as well, my brain thinks I am still at work so even if I go to bed at midnight I wake up 5-6 am the following morning.

I have managed to speak with the bosses at the workplace to give me three weeks off during the summer. I will spend two weeks at my summerplace and one at home.
Maybe I'll get back my energy then.

So, now I guess I am educated for a job at least.
The whole trucking education is done and everything seems to be in order.

During the monday on the 28th of May of this year (2018) I will be starting my work full time as a trucker.

I will work on the same spot where I had my practicing time during my education, salary talks and everything there too seems to be in order.
It will be an testperiod that will be six months, and then after that I will know for real if they will keep me or not.
Although, this also means I will not have a teammate with me in the truck on monday. I will be let loose on the roads around Stockholm for real, alone in an metal shell.

Honestly, I feel a bit nervous since I will have to learn where everything is in this damned city due to me not moving about the city a whole lot. This will change soon...

Although to be honest, I thought wrong about the amount of free time I will have during the weeks so I will have to plan what I will do when I get home from work- wether it be gaming or drawing.
BUT- we quit every friday 1 pm! (that is 13:00 in a 24h clock)
This will give me a boon of free time on fridays, it feels so weird since the e-shopping place I worked at had work hours from 9 am to 6 pm (09:00 to 18:00).

To be continued I suppose!

Quick reminder: Yes I am alive, sorry for not posting anything at all for some time though.

So during the wednesday this week I did it. I passed the driving test and I have now a new driving license.
Now I will be able to drive multi-tonned vehicles on our roads here in Sweden.

It is a strange feeling, since the news haven't hit my mind so far. It feels almost unreal.
I did a thing.

Not only that, but I am also going to a practice spot (due to rules) where I will practice for three weeks.

It all happened so fast... I am at loss for words. First taking the new driving license, and now I am going to work with something that I probably can work with that I am actually educated for?!
Once again, it is an unreal feeling.
Even more is that the boss I met today sounds like he have no problem recruiting me after the practising time on the company.

I look forward to earning money again, but it will be tough the first few weeks since I need to change my rest/sleep schedule since I need to be at work 6 am every morning.

Yeeez... The year runs by quickly doesn't it?

Oh well, the education is progressing and I did pass the 'try period' or whatever you should call it.
All the theoretical tests have been completed!
Pretty much all I need to do now is my practical driving test.

I do not know when that will be, but I feel it is approaching quickly.
Five students did the practical test yesterday, but only two finished it correctly with a new drivers license in hand.

Let's just say that these three who did not make it were close, but made some mistakes.
And to hear their stories on how it went sure makes me worried, so I personally worry I will have to do the practical test multiple tries.
Only time will tell.

And next week we will have an forklift driving education, so I will also recieve an license for that as well.

Anyhow, when all this is complete I will be (probably) be able to get my first 'real' job. That is what I always wanted. A real job.
Like I said before, drawing is an hobby for me and I enjoy it immensely but I want to live off an real salary.

To be continued...

So the year of hell, the year of lootboxes and depression is over (plottwist: OR IS IT?!).
2017 is done, all hail the new year.

Lets all hope this year will turn out better for all. Last year in january was the start of the end on my company where I worked.
I even knew right from the get go that something would have happened sooner or later since we all learnt something from the xmas celebration in 2016.

When the news came to me during the summer that my current occupation on the company would be replaced by something/someone else I took the news quite well since my plan was to leave the company 2017.
Sure, the way they delivered the news was horrible and in some ways disgusting.

Personally I would have rather left the company on my own, but maybe I needed a kick in the butt or something.

Anyways, I learnt that office work does not fit me. I need something more 'practical'. Sure, I can sit in front of an computer gaming like crazy or lose myself completely when I finally start drawing...
But working with excel and multiple databases for eight hours straight? That sure takes its toll on ones psyche.

During the summer while I had my very last vacation it was clear- I want to be a truck driver.
I am an educated excavator operator, but never got the chance to get into the line of work due to bad luck.
Also, something alot of bosses asked me was if I could drive a truck/had truck drivers license which I did not have at that moment.

Next week my education for the truck driver line of work begins.
It will be a two week 'start' education that I have to pass, then the real education begins.

I hope myself the best of luck as I am nevous as all hell.

Ok, so I can't hold onto this anymore. I need to vent.

Two weeks ago (19th october) when I was walking home from town I was attacked by two guys, probably not more than 19 years of age.
They tackled me to the ground and then strangled me, also delivering a punch onto my face, just to steal my phone.

I was flown into rage, instead of fear and held onto the phone as long as I could but they managed get it and to start running.
I tried to stop them as they released their grip on me, but when I managed to stop one them the other one once more took another stranglehold on me.

When I managed to free myself they ran like hell. All whilst people in their cars on the opposite side of the road looked confused at me.
Noone stopping to help or anything.
At that moment, I felt abandoned by society.

But in a way I was lucky, neither one of them pulled a knife on me... So this could have gotten way worse than I could ever have imagined.

You may hear these kind of attacks constantly in the news, and in a way I was always expecting this would happen in my neighborhood sooner or later.
But these kind of attacks are very real. They wont care if you have a 'dumbphone' or smartphone, they will attempt to take whatever is visible.
Although, this happaned maybe 400-500 meters from my home... So I am rather chilled.

So my message is: Don't go alone in parks alone, go to more populated areas so incase you get attacked- then you may have witnesses compared to my case.
But at the same time, noone should be driven insane by paranoia.

Well, it is time. I am back into unemployment.

After 4.5 years with working in an office enviroment with purchasing, it has finally come to an end.
While I have learnt alot of how the intricate works of an office works, I have come to the conclusion that office work might not be for me.

If anything I need something more practical.
Sitting in front of an computer creating formulas in Excel and complicated calculations for 8-9 hours a day takes it toll on me.
But of course, I have learnt one or two things about meeting different people and few new tricks for Photoshop.
And optimisations for Excel documents... Yes, that I will remember.

So now, fellow watcher you might wonder if I may finally open up for commissions but I once more remind you all- I draw just because it is something I love to do in my free time.

What I plan to do now is to apply for truck driving licence since that might be a job my 'inferior brain' can handle.
I need a job, I want to fill a function.
Otherwise I may be planning some military career, but my allergies might cause problems (I heard they needed truck drivers though! maybe they'll rethink!)

But that is all for now, to be continued...

And since I want this to be a thing, here is a song that is on my mind right now;
https://soundcloud.com/michael_ault.....lights-come-on

So tomorrow I will have my very last paid vacation, 4 weeks.
Three of them I will spend at my summer vacation spot, where I will probably be building houses and hopefully fishing.

I sure look forward to coming away from the big city, although I will be cut off from my computer.

But, I sure am personally happy that I managed to finish my summer vacation picture for 2017 in time before the vacation!
I almost thought that it would not be completed, but... It's finished and it feels like a great weight has been lifted off my chest.

Since I will be without my computer I will not be able to produce anything while away, but I will bring paper and pencils with me.
I have also invested in three different 'how to draw manga' books which I will look through, seeing if I could learn anything new.

Also, when I get home the fourth week of my vacation when I am reunited with my computer I will do some 'research' as I will call it.
I will attempt to analyze what other artists are doing to solve some design issues in their pictures and see if there is anything I can learn from that.
Personally I am worried since it may cause me to drift away from my style and may even change the way I go about my pictures how they are made.

As I said, research, hopefully nothing more than that. One thing is clear though, movement and characters 'doing something' is something I need to do more of.
I should also look up clear facial expressions, since it is quite an important part of a drawing (if you include it that is).

Anyway, thats me rambling (as usual).

Today I'd like to share another retrowave song. Coming from NewRetroWave's new album 'Magnatron 2.0' and the first song of the album is a BLAST;


PS:
And I will try to avoid ending up in the hospital like last year, one time is enough thank you.

Seeing as Mass Effect Andromeda was the last subject, I can catch up on that.
Now, the game is not *that* bad as some people made it out to be on release.

But yes, it was a mess.
While the combat is pretty entertaining, the story that Bioware is more known for, suffered.

If anything, the game should never had been called Mass Effect Andromeda. Just any other IP name would suffice, but this further poisons the well that is Mass Effect.

And now during E3 for 2017 we can all see where Bioware's attention was turned- Anthem.
It even is running on the same engine which is kinda funny, so yeah. Andromeda will be the last game from Bioware I will be playing for quite some time.

But will I finish it? I don't know, but the game sure haven't gripped me.

Anyway, other to that subject on the top-

Into the sunset.

There has been happening some stuff to me lately, negatively charged energy if anything.

First of all, yes- my productivity has dropped like a rock since last year.
It has been some tough times for me to get started with a project, or any drawing for that matter.

So let me tell you my thoughts about my art: I do it PURELY for the fun of it.
It was never planned for it to expand into something like this.
If you like my stuff, thank you- thank you so much for the heartful support.
If you don't and pull out the knife...

Sure, this is a comment about receiving feedback overall but let me tell you this;
I haven't heard alot of good things on work, school and stuff when trying to show off my R4D $K!11Z as an colleague.
It has way too often blown up in my face, so don't rub this into my face.

Like the 'incident' I had last year I had with another, I guess this person did not mean anything bad but... Please don't choose those kinds of words.
I like to evolve my art at my own pace, especially when I purely draw for the fun of it.
I am not competetive like others might be, so don't assume me to be something that I am not.
If you want me to become something greather than I am- I will take my time to get there.

Also last year I had my surgery. While at the hospital I felt small, insignificant, worthless. I could do nothing and were forced to do nothing that time.
It took it's toll on me.

And now in 2017 I have had an ex-colleague possibly committed suicide.
Terror attack in Stockholm (quite close to where I am working actually).
Being laid off at work along with some other colleagues.

I feel more sad for my other affected colleagues, but to get my secure income cut off like it was nothing sure hurts quite the bit to be hones.

Now I will have to chase other oppurtunities.

Although, I gotta see if I can finish this project before I head off to my (accepted and last) paid vacation...

(If you haven't played Mass Effect, spoilers are IN EFFECT)
Well, there is no avoiding it. The fever is stronger than ever.

Mass Effect.
Number 4 of the main games, Mass Effect Andromeda has finally gotten an release date.
The 21th march it will finally be released.

It has been now five years since Mass Effect 3.
Five long years of wait, and for what? Waiting for a conclusion to something that has already been concluded?

I don't know anymore. I was one of the many absolutely destroyed by the endings of the main trilogy.
You... You don't end something like Mass Effect that way!

To even imagine they would plan a follow up to that, just... How to approach that? I mean, we got this;
One ending ended with Shepard possibly killing him/herself while also destroying all synthetic life, Geth and Edi included... We only wanted to destroy the reapers.
Another ending ended with Shepard becoming the controller of the reapers, becoming a unstoppable dictator of the milky way! This is... Just not what we wanted, but it brings peace.
The third ending ended with Shepard merging all biological and synthetic life into a combined, new lifeform. Thereafter destroying the difference between biological and synthetic life, sure it bring peace... But at what cost? How can anyone be okay with this?

Later there was an added 4th ending, which is just letting the Reapers win. Personally I would choose this ending over all others, but you will not get the achievment for 'clearing the game'.
I would rather choose extiction for all rather that the three choices above. We had our chance, and failed- thats it. No matter what weapons you have, you cannot win over space Cthlulu.

So they are squeezing in a side story to cut off from above, by going to the Andromeda galaxy.
Basically mirroring what Elan Musk wants to do with Mars- exploration, the new frontier.

After having watched 'Star Trek The next Generation' a while back I gotta say that I understand the need for exploration, since it gives us risk- placing us in the unknown.
The developers have said that the trip will take 600 years from the Milky Way to the Andromeda galaxy, so no matter what happened in the third game it will all be but memory.
Although, it gives me the shivers that Asari and Krogan could be awake the whole trip to Andromeda and I guess some will. Imagine, a 600 year space trip and checking up systems that nothing breaks down?

Which connects to what I meant above. That previous adventure is over. Fin, done- over and out. Maybe Liara and Wrex could be alive when the Andromeda Iniative arrives in Andromeda, but the rest will be gone- at least in my mind.

So I try to look it that way with Mass Effect Andromeda, that it will be another story- not following the original arc no matter how much many fans want it.
New gameplay, new worlds to explore and new characters to meet. That is what I can gather from the footage I have seen so far.

For me though? I can't decide if I want to buy the game right away or not since the injury is still here- but I will check up reviews and see what they say.
Can I like Mass Effect again? I know I want to draw Asari sure, but what about the game? I used to love this game series...

To be continued...

Although, in another news- Retrowave/Synthwave/Outrun music had an incredible year in 2016 and I think NewRetroWave caught a good feeling of it with it's mix!
This gives me so much freaking joy when attempting to draw!

So yesterday I was technically finished with my second round of art classes.
It took some time for me to decide, but I decided to continue with it next year. Even though this is purely traditional stuff, I think I have learned some important parts.

But lets just leave the golden ratio and all other 'real artsy stuff' out of this... It makes my head hurt.

Also yesterday I was displaying my art in the school (the stuff made during the art course that is), so I hardly got any rest this weekend.
Although, one of the students who is an architect could not join since her father had some serious health issues (he was probably not going to make it).
Her stuff were so freaking realistic... Absolutely breathtaking.

During the course she praised some of the stuff I tried desperately tried to do, and to have someone that good saying good stuff about the crap I made? That felt good.
We put her art up on display yesterday while she were gone. I hope her all the best.

It felt good to finally display everything. That meant it was finally over.
Time to go back 100% to work again!

But this year have felt quite bad for me when it comes to productivity.

I am sorry. I am so terribly sorry I have not fulfilled my production as much as I hoped.
And to go to surgery... I thought I lost everything, but I may have managed to come back.

I will continue, I will try- I will try to continue this journey!

Ok, I gotta break the silence.

First of all, the reason why nothing has happened quite alot since late september and whole october;
Hospital visit and surgery. Also vacation for a week.

Later september I felt worse and worse and in the beginning of october I called in sick to work due to throwing up.

During the year I have also been away to the hospital three times trying to figure out why I have had these throw up attacks, but that friday... October the seventh I felt it.
I have never felt such pain in my life and I thought I was going to die, and for the fourth time this year I went to the hospital again.

This time though they took me in for an analysis. During the weekend by staying there I got the word what it was. But before I knew what it was I have never felt so scared in my life.
What if it was stress getting to me? What if it was cancer?
It was gallstones in my gall bladder causing the severe pain in my stomach and throw up attacks.

So in a way, I was not anywhere near death but the pain I felt that friday made one thing clear: I was going to surgery.

Also, during this whole time my parents had been planning an trip for the whole family (with my two older brothers and their respective families as well) and I was there at the hospital risking the entire planned vacation.
An vacation planned two whole years ago, it was going to be something big.

I have never felt so bad in my entire life, I was there, risking the entire planned vacation. They were even ready to cancel the trip for my sake.
But, after the surgery I got the word from the doctors that I could go. Of course, I could not swim or enjoy the sun as much.

Still, the surgery... That was not a fun episode. Dont get gallstones kids, it sucks.
For me getting them I could have inherited them since both my grandmother and grandfather had them.

Although after the vacation when I was back at work I suddenly realised it was october the 28th... And I felt confused, where the hell did october go?! In the meantime I also manged to forget my code to my credit card lol.
Thats the level of confusion I felt when life returned to normal.

But now I am back, with four scars on my stomach healing back up. I need to get back into drawing again, it feels like an eternity since I did something.
Now that I returned to work I have also realised that there are drawing programs for phones, so I have downloaded one of them and am currently experimenting with it. It looks waaay rougher than anything I normally do, but it is cool to draw on the go.

Could be that I upload something from my phone someday.

On a another positive note:
Tomorrow the artist Perturbator comes to sweden! To Stockholm! And I will be there! If I could only describe the emotions going through me...
His music... Goddammit. I have told myself that before he stops making music I need to see him live, and tomorrow is the day.
Which is also the first time in my life I to an concert... I should go out more lol.

Back to working half-time again. Education has started again.

Once again, this is traditional stuff with sketches and paintings- nothing digital.
I will probably check closer next year for an education more directed to digital stuff.

Still, I hope something good comes out of this education.

So now I am back at work again, probably my productivity will suffer again.

Later in september I will continue my art classes as I might have said before, where I will once again hopefully learn more about anatomy and such.
Either way, my head is full of ideas of what to draw but due to limited free time I have a hard time to materialize anything... Trust me, I want to draw more than I currently do.

Right now I am trying to fill in time drawing while I am on the office to keep my creative thoughts going... And geez, there are so many new faces on the office.
For the coming weeks I will be what I would call 'mid-boss' over my unit since my boss went away on vacation (and my 'real' boss came back from his), so I guess I can assume control somewhat.

Also, once again I would like to remind of my goal of drawing is to draw more tech/vehicles and robots which I am getting somewhat better and better results on paper.
I don't know how interested people are to see that, but maybe I will sooner or later sneak something in.

By the way, Pokémon Go. It's a thing.

Ugh, it feels like my brain is melting at the moment. I actually feel exhausted.
Thankfully it is time for my two week vacation!

Also 19th may has passed by (geez, it has been a while since I wrote a journal) which was my birthday- 29 orbits around the sun so to speak.
It sure feels like time is running faster and faster for me and somewhere inside I feel worry, I feel scared for the future.
Heck, next year it is 10 years since the first Mass Effect game came out. 10. YEARS.

Not entirely sure what frightens me, but when i realise that next year I will have my 30th birthday really cold shivers run down my spine.
I really hope I can solve my life's problem soon so the shivers can stop.

Although, later this year in September I will continue my art class and try to learn more stuff which I will hope come to use. I hope at least something I learnt is visible through my latest works!
Also, with the latest work I am working on now I have finally realised that my version of photoshop is old- like too old. Old, but not obselete as some austrian said!

Not so much more news than that, I mostly just felt to update my journal :]
And remember kids, chill in the sun and try to enjoy the summer (I won't due to my damn pollen allergies lol)!

Although, since the last journal I have gotten the feeling to share music like last time in my journal.
Music has an positive effect for me when I am attempting to be creative, so I'd like to share what I to when I draw :]
This time it is Gunship with their song Fly For Your Life!