I hate being sick. That is all.

So I woke up, shut off my alarm, and then realized that my alarm was still going off. Oddly enough, it did not stop beeping. So I unplugged it. It STILL kept beeping. That was extremely distressing, and it caused me to ask god if there was something he wanted to tell me, which he responded to by giving me a telepathic push to the back to get me out of bed. (For the record: Awake I am a spiritial agnostic. That's a different journal though.)

So I did so, and realized we had moved to England, and today is the first day I am trying the new driving system. Driving on the left is odd, and odder yet as right turns are taken as close as possible. At one point, I recall 'thinking' I tried the side by side driving, and found it obnoxious. (?) Then it was time for My SO's father to take me to work, which seemed to take an unusual amount of time, but it was okay, since it was my first day on a new job--what that job was I do not know. We had some sort of good talk. At one point, we had to take a bus, and it was revealed at some point that a self proclaimed hacker had painted his image and something in writing on it--something about Sprite using thier dropping wall street shares for sympathy and to boycott them, I think?

Anyway, I then woke up. All this dreaming took place in less than fifteen minutes, and I came away with two lessons:

One; be a little less impressed by my own judgment. I took a radio's going off without electricity as a sure sign of a god, and the reality was I was still dreaming. Two, and I like this bit a LOT: Everyone on earth is the result of their parents being intimate. This does not seem new to any of you (Hopefully), until it HITS you:

EVERY PERSON ON EARTH IS THE RESULT OF PEOPLE HAVING SEX. Sex is one of the most absurd and silly (if enjoyable) practices there IS. And I need to go, whoops! Later.

So a few days ago I was trying to gratify myself, as I have no one in life willing to do so--I don't MIND, because it doesn't bug me much, and people have their reasons.. but that's besides the point--and I was in the shower, when the thought pops into my head: "Now is human sexual behavior LEARNED? I can't remember or not." And suddenly my mind springs into thought about human sexual psychology, asking myself this and that, and it's completely distracting. I need a brain off switch, sometimes.

Has anything ever distracted you at a completely inopportune moment, inexplicably and without mercy?

And now: SNAP JUDGMENTS on fetishes, both familiar and bizarre. Warning: This post is likely to offend some of you out there in interentland, so flame away to your heart's content. I brought marshmallows.

START WITH THE EASY STUFF.
M/F: What strange, never-heard-of thing is this 'heterosexuality'? Sometimes I doubt it exists in furry comms like this one. (I kid!)

M/M: No problem. I'm Bi.

Hermaphrodite/intersex/neuter species: I love the spirit and not the body; the body is just a distraction.

And now MODES

Vaginal: Eh.

Oral: Eh.

Anal: Eh.

Hand: Eh.

Foot: ...Wait, huh?

Tentacle: Um. Wait. What? It depends, because tentacles use a pseudobondage element that I am not sure if I enjoy or not. On the other hand, I would be endlessly amused by a tentacled creature who wants a commitment and is sick of people looking for cheap thrills. ...In faaact... *looks to sketchbook with a glint in his eye*


And now KINKS. NO PARTICULAR ORDER GOOO

Bondage: Well, when it comes to dominance or submissive 'roles', bonds should not be any more necessary than steady discipline and willful, careful affection. However, some people need to be bound to complete the experience for themselves, so it genuinely FEELS against their will, though it is not. I must reserve judgment.

Muscles: Pass please. I prefer lean or slightly chubby to pure beef.

Fat: See above, substitute lard for beef.

Male pregnancy: Although universally applied, it would give me seventeen spontaneous heart attacks followed by a loud chorus of WTF dude from all over the world, I see why it would be an appealing fantasy--given that I doubt MM couples are any less equipped to handle raising a child than FM couples, save perhaps strictly biologically.

Scat: NO. Big solid solitary EW NO. Hygene, for one. Hepatitis suffured through, nearly died from IRL, and complete recovery from means a big. Fat. Honking. NO.

Watersports: Eeeergh... I don't know. Dubious at best for similar reasons... I won't pretend to like it.

Mind alteration/hypnosis: This can be intriguing or very very creepy to the point of the macabre, depending on how it is done.

Body Alteration/transformation: It varies, but there's a sort of bizarre appeal here. The notion of losing your mind, literally, with rough treatment has terrified me of inanimate transformations, though.

Submissive/Dominant: Sure, what the hell. I'm a bit of a switch and a lot of my experience is in this department, leaning toward dom. Mmm, dom. He's a nice guy--*is shot*

Vore: Okay, let me say this once. The notion of ultimate sacrifice to become part of someone else or to save their existence is one of the most profoundly touching experiences or thoughts that could possibly exist. Having said that, I do not feel digestion is an appropriate route for such a fantasy to take, due to a number of factors ranging from fatality to eventual connections with scat.

'Holding': On the other hand, containing another creature NON LETHALLY--hiding them, in the case of mystic creatures, in one's own body for their protection or your own, keeping loved ones literally within yourself to protect them while they rest, ect ect, along the kin of a marsupial's pocket--now this I like, and the distinction is very, very important. I wish more art focused on this aspect of things, instead of the consumption/unwilling destruction of other creatures.

Gore: No. Inside bits to stay inside plz. Thank you the management.

Slavery: Sub/Dom to the extreme, and one I can't hold with. Remember, the sub is always genuinely in control, and the whole point of the fantasy is to allow them to forget that rather than taking it literally.

Feet: No special appeal.

Ooops, look at the time. I'd better go be a wage slave. TA!

There is nothing so particularly depressing as realizing you have spent the entirety of your birthday, home, alone, without so much as a 'happy birthday' from anyone outside your own house.

I warned you all--I get gloomy on my birthdays.

Well, today's another anniversary of my birth, and, true to form, it took four tries to spell that before I asked spell check. Sigh. Language mastery, where on earth did you go to? We were once such good friends. In any event, yes, today I click another mile on the road of life, and as I look back over the last year, I... actually start to feel kind of depressed. I haven't accomplished much at all. You see, I always get a little gloomy when I notice time going by, because I'm terrible at using it as I intend.

I'm very much a night person, but partly I am so because that makes my rare forays into the sunlight all the more dazzling to me. Nature is so beautiful, and I wish I wasn't so allergic to most of it. Le sigh. At least I'll always have video games. Someone gave me The World Ends with You recently as a gift, and I was instantly hooked by the somewhat emo teeny hero who, quite frankly, hates people, proceeds to disliking most people, and winds up tolerating his friends--not because of the POWAH OF FRIENDSHIP but because he realizes that without the conflict inflicted when people can't see eye to eye because of different perspectives, people cannot grow. It's a rare, and to be honest, slightly more realistic message to me. (Yes, I connect more with the message that conflict is necessary than ones that preach about friendship. I admit it, I am somewhat antisocial.)

I wish I followed through more. I want to dedicate one hour a night one day to improving my art, though I have trouble scheduling that--scheduling in general, in fact, tends to fall apart when I'm in my 'at home' mentality. When I was in the place where I had to bed down at a set hour every night, I had a lot more ease convincing myself to get things done.. maybe that's the trick. Start by going to bed every night at a set hour.

PS; I'm sorry I haven't been on, Es and Kya, I've been really distracted by real life jobhunting and, yes, games. x-x And work was waaaay more tiring than I thought it would be augh.

So I'd been musing on how boring I am. I mean, nothing particularly interesting goes on in the life of this stray rabbit. But that got me to thinking--whose fault is THAT? I mean, it's not like interesting things are just going to hunt me down and happen to me, right?

So here's a few tidbits about me.

Swing music, especially WELL DONE swing music, makes me want to grab someone and dance in the most profoundly wild, 'dare you to come a little closer' way I can think of. As I have no natural rythm, this is a dangerous thing, babe.

I am somewhat overbearing online to compensate for a profound social anxiety or two in real life. On the really, REALLY rare occasion I step out of my shell, though, I don't do anything halfway--as likely to pull you close and wink with a grin as I am to say hello. Life's too short to play it save.

I like to draw. I have no 'talent' (Read: Practice) at it, but one day I hope to be good enough to put my stuff on here without flinching.

I intend to learn to play the keyboard. Well.

I also used to write. I intend to take that up again. Perhaps I'll start composing, too.

I think that, were disease not a factor, then the biggest obstacle to polyamoury would be not society, but time--love can be infinite, but time is not, and juggling commitments and emotional links is not something just anyone can handle--I ought to know. However, for those who CAN handle it, it is an enriching lifestyle and a profoundly satisfying one--when you aren't alone.

Until next time, find someone, buy a drink, and flirt, sports fans.

First things first: A warning. This journal entry *will* have content that is not intended for youth, that is generally suggestive sexually, and possibly may relate certain tales of fetishism. If this is something that might offend you, I gently advise you to stop reading now.

More recently a friend has mentioned they never understood the allure of yiffing, which is something, given their position in life--let alone the general perturbing nature of such things!--I can totally understand. I recenty posted about emotional connections through such material, but I feel like I can tackle the other side of the coin today. I'll try to keep detail low.

In the times when I was 'with' multiple others, if you can call it that, I was something of a difficult creature to please--in real life, as well as character wise. Sexual desire had little to do with most of the things I did; it played an insignificant role back then, and I personally suspect that the emergence of such is likely cloudy my ability to craft the fantasies I used to. ...Here, let me try this again.

When I was roleplaying with another person, I would be totally intent on capturing their fantasies. It's worthy of note that not all of them were sexual--some needed a listening ear, which I was glad to provide, or a comforting paw. True, it was often sexual--and in some instances was very fetish-fueled on their part--but it often occured that I was told that I helped them profoundly as an outlet, and that I had some small gift for satisfying the desires that drove them to seek me out--be they sexual or not.

You see, I think it really started with someone who I'll call Sparrow, who I have not had contact with in quite some time. Sparrow was someone I knew before I connected to the furry community, and her real life sucked. And I don't mean that lightly; but I won't elaborate on the details of it all. She was desperate, lonely, and depressed, and I comforted her as best I could. These chat sessions--which others assumed they were, at least--often became profoundly revealing about a frightened, depressed girl who desperately needed a 'someone' to show her she was worth something.

In one way it was inevitable. As I comforted her more, and tried to guide her torward believing in herself, she became more and more dependent on me--to the point of eventual total submission, and even intimate offerings--strictly online, of course. ...Eventually, realizing that she could not understand that she was of value if I continued to reject her, I did not say no. I became a sort of distorted 'angel' to her--comforting, reassuring, a soft shoulder to cry into, release, all in one silly package. And I confess--I liked it, because I felt I was helping, I was changing her life for the better.

Eventually, she got strength enough in her own wings to carry herself, and her dependency on me lessened. Ultimately I realized that this was natural, though I knew I would miss it all; she had healed, and it was time for her to fly. So, gradually, we grew apart. Several months after it all, she told me unfailingly she never wanted to remember those embarrassing things--but I had to smile at the sting of it, because I knew she was *stronger* now, for my efforts... and for her own.

I loved crafting fantasies. Perhaps I still do, though I have not indulged properly in a long, long time--yes, I have my fun, but it's not quite the same thing. Someone listening here knows what I mean, I am sure. In part this is because I am with someone in real life, frustrating an experience as it can be, and also in part because I loved living in that mirror world so much I almost lost complete sight of this one.

People who are dependent. People who need so called masters to tell them it's all RIGHT to release their inhibitions, to not feel guilty about the desires they feel, or about who they are. (Ironic, really: The submissive one is always truly in control. Did you know that? The Master is an illusion, part of their fantasy, in most cases. In those cases where it is NOT, there is a more profound need for understanding than ever.) People who are lost, and alone, and need a friend. People who scream out to the violent, terrible void, and need an answer. I want to comfort all of these, to meet them in life and give them a happy memory, if nothing else.

I wonder if I am living in a fantasy of my own?

Okay, so I look at the Furcadia page for the sake of nothing more than reminiscing (See previous, much more gloomy post) and this is posted as one of their major features/draws:

"Female players make up over 50% of our population."

When you need to advertise THAT as a major feature you may need to update a lil x3

I'm going to trust my anonymity here a little more than I should, posting this. Still, I feel like posting it here, so why not? If nothing else, I can look back on this and think to myself about it later. I've mentioned, hopefully, that I am bisexual. If not, there it is, out in the open; I do not pretend to be anything less, when I go by this name--nor do I *have* to pretend otherwise, and that used to be a titanic relief for me. I may as well tell you how I sorted it out.

I was much younger, in my low to mid teens, at the time. I was still living in an incredibly suppressing environment back then, and the net was one of the few outlets I had available to myself. It was during these times that, through DMFA, I stumbled over a program called Furcadia--many of you probably know it well enough. At first, of course, I stuck to the safe areas--clean, wholesome areas, you know, open roleplay, nothing serious. But the community wasn't what anyone could call an active one, and so I wandered.

Now, before I continue, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I was no stranger to the notion of sex at this point. In fact, I was unusual in that it made me slightly ill to contemplate it too heavily unless I knew the girl online first and foremost--I have some stories that even date back before this time in my life, but out of respect to those people, and to those to come, I will not give any indication of who they are. I'll merely say this: Before this point, there was someone who as suffering who 'trusted' me, online. Perhaps more than she should--and I pray she's found peace since then.

But so I wandered, meandering through the various areas, never really 'clicking' with anyone.. until I stumbled into the explicit area, which was known at that time and probably still is known as FurN. I won't like and pretend I was the right age, but none of it was exactly shocking to me, Still, I believed in just being there because I had no where else to be for a couple days. Gradually, I shifted away into this new identity, two, three days later, and... well, I wound up in a boy meeting club. I won't state the exact one, though I remember the name even now--I convinced myself I was just curious, and told others that, dissuading the casual people away.

Except there was one who wasn't casual. He seemed genuinely interested in me, promised me that if I wanted to experiment, just once, he['d be glad to. Again--all of this online, I want to make it clear. I may have been young, but I've never been stupid. I thought it over for a few days, and, still unsure, I agreed to try it out with him--just once.

It was incredible. I was told that for someone who had never done anything like that before, I was naturally good at it, and I performed incredibly--I really affected the one I had been with. He promised me he'd come back, and I told him I would be waiting.

So wait I did. One week passed, two weeks, while I was waiting, and I gradually encouraged others to come to terms with themselves in the meanwhile, encouraged them, was a fur to talk to--but if any asked, I gently explained I was waiting for someone. They all understood. I think it was three weeks before he returned, maybe an entire month.

And when he learned how patient I had been, hoe quiet and unswavering, well... he explained he had several others he wanted to see, and be with.

I meant nothing to him. He enjoyed me, but I meant nothing to him.

It took me a night and a day to get through the shock. I was heartbroken, and noncommital to everyone, online and off, like the walking dead. I had failed to understand, so I got hurt--and now, alone and with no understanding, I was totally adrift.

I am not sure, to this day, how I recovered. I think it was when I looked outside, and saw the world kept turning, while someone was being nice to me online. And I smiled again.

I swore then that to the best of my ability I would never forget anyone. I was with many--The unicorn, the lion, cats, dogs, I seduced a GIRAFFE of all things once--but I did not forget. I remembered, and I encouraged, and I never forced--and I was always honest and open, because I never wanted, I think, to hurt someone unknowingly as I had been hurt. And some were dejected, it's true. But I was honest and open to a degree I have always hungered for again--not only with others, but with myself.

I FELT. I loved when love was needed, and it warmed my heart; sighed forlornly when I was alone, because my magnitude of lonliness was profound. But I never failed to feel, and love, and encourage. I was.. intimate. It never crossed into the real world, and for that I am grateful; I have suffered enough by being who I am. But in that place, I did not have to suffer, because I was not alone.

And I think, no, am certain I miss it--the honesty, more than anything else. People knew me. People knew what I did, and did not insult me or chastise me for it, for encouraging and enflaming desires hidden in people, for helping them to express it. I tempted, once or twice, I am sure, though I do not call it sinful.

I was loved. Loved not by a one, but by a many, who though I juggled commitments and was not always available, genuinely cared for me--such as I was. Some saw me only as a sexual outlet, but I did not begrudge them that, and never invested my feelings in them. But some, some who needed, some who felt and despaired of their loneliness--I caught them in my arms, and reassured them.

I miss it.

I miss bliss, more than sex. The feeling that I made a difference to someone.

It has been years.

I wonder if I should ever go back, or if I would regret? I can never be certain.

But I bear no regrets now.

Alas, back from con, and no beautiful Essy to chat with. I wish I'd lucked over him--now I've gon and misplaced the little gift I had for him. I'll find it and mail it, though.

I suppose this is as good a time as any to discuss fandom. I very much have an addictive personality--be it a game or a show or a distraction, I often fall into things completely and utterly, only to burn out on them and distance myself for a while before returning with a fervor that's somewhat scary. I have this sort of video games, which is why I avoid MMORPGS for the most part--I usually snap free when I conquer a game, but if there's no 'win or lose', I can literally lose time and become completely absorbed.

I like Pokemon, because not only of its plethora of interesting creatures and its hidden subtext that almost any enemy could be an ally if you opted it, but because fundamentally it's a 'Good Guys Win' world that promotes cooperation instead of hostility. Yes, pokemon battle each other--but there is a camraderie in realizing though you, personally are powerless alone, you are never alone--your friends are right there with you, willing, waiting.

I also like Yu-gi-Oh, the TCG. Someone on FA got me into it, and though I've never had as much fun duelling anyone else, I do enjoy the game on a casual level. (I can't compete with his scary MOUNTAIN OF CAAARDS, though. They'll eat me. ;_;) This I like because it is very possible to reflect yourself in your deck--That yeah, if you want, you can just try and bash the other guy, but there are countless other ways and styles of winning, and not all of them rely on directly hurting the other person. You can shred everything all in one go, for instance, or seal all thier power away, or even rob them of thier resources--Or go for the Royal Straight flush of the Yu-gi-oh world and make an exodia deck, and win without doing damage at all. x3 The monsters here are also of all sorts, though some types are more common than others--ranging from some of my personal favorites like the tributes to Gradius and Golem cards to the downright bizzare. (I'm looking at you, Ojama Trio.)

I'd kinda like to see sketches of those monsters on here, to be honest. Pokemon is sorta sacred-ground-ey for me as far as sexual content goes, but there are so many Yu-gi-Oh monsters, bizzare spells, traps, and the like that I'm amused there ISN'T fetish fuel of it out there. Example.

Newer card coming out, 'Broken blocker'. When a monster that's better at defending than attacking gets killed, it undergoes a sorta mitosis, allowing you to pull out two new ones from your deck. I see it as a creature that gets cloned mysteriously and instantly.

And of course there's loads of suggestive cards--Harpies aside, there's a plethora of different themes from alien abduction to anthropomorphic vehicles to cartoon-stylized clones of existing monsters. (Yus I am talking to YOU, you bizzare oddballs who draw poor Bugs Bunny and so forth! I do not judge personally, but I mean c'mon, there's material right there! X3) Bondage? Who ho ho, is there bondage.

But I am rambling. Other fandoms: I like lots of anime, as my Jaunt to Otakon might hint to you. I loved Chibi-vampire Karen from last year, which was cute, a little sappy, and full of timing humor and--oh right--THE ABILITY TO SUCK YOUR EMOTIONS RIGHT OUT OF YOU, PUNY HUMAN. I watched one episode and was absolutely hooked. Bebop of course, which was the first anime show I had ever seen--two precluded that on VHS, but they were obscure movies and nightmare fuel at that in one case. Finally been watching slayers--I see why people reccomend it and all, but it's really really--well... old-looking. x3 'Cos it IS old. Second season's better, though.

I play a MuD. No, I won't say which one here. Plausible deniability and all that. It's the closest thing to an MMORPG I play, and some of the residents would make horrible jokes about me being here as it is, so no ID for you.

I am also a fan of you. I'd like to know more about you. Who you are, why you are that person. I want to be your friend, but I'm afraid to do more than post on my own journal every so often... when the noise fades, I am not a veru brave person...

...Everything blows all up to heck. Sorry I wasn't right on top of the revival of the site, but some temp work swung my way and I am nothing if not willing to work. Although I am not sure when or how I am going to be paid. Hm. o_o In other news, I will be attending Otakon as my super-secret hyuuumaaan alter ego, Normal Man. I hope to meet the incomparable essrayle there, if only briefly--weep--and have loads of fun.

Right now I am playing sentry. A costume ordered for someone I know was scheduled to arrive today, but I'm worried it may not arrive in time. If it does get delayed until tomorrow, I will be saddened; as it was my gift to somebody. They don't NEED a costume to be alluring--they manage to captivate me every day without even trying, after all--but I am kind of curious to see what it looks like on her.

Mm, 404'd. Well, that's why I always copy my entries, I suppose. I'll be posting more, now that... well, fur affinity is up again. ^^()

With work crashing down against me, I must admit my updates have been more sporadic than I would like. I've also been drifting here less often, which is not something that makes me happy... I miss being able to relax freely. I've been meaning to use this place more often, maybe make a couple of connections here.. and use it to forward my own artistic hobbies. The things I do are terrible, though. Le sigh.

This entry isn't terribly deep, I suppose, but what can I expect of myself? I'm not in a very deep situation. My job is... well, forcing me to adapt or die, really Darwinist, I want to look into getting a keyboard (the musical variety) and learning to play by ear, as well as work in improving my sketches and maybe branch out into other artworks. Oh well.

...And of course they're absolutely right. (By 'they' I mean the fantastically wonderful Essrayle and Kya who commented on my last entry.) I spoke with Her yesterday morning, before work and she understood completely where I was coming from. Score one for honest, open communication! Some things are just important in a relationship, as was mentioned by the above fantastic subscribers. To answer a question posted before--No, hon. She doesn't know this name exists; she never has, and I'm kinda grateful for that and would prefer to keep it that way, with her familiar only with the other one. It's not that I WANT to keep secrets, believe me; it's just that thinking about someone reading my writings and being made to panic or go all alarmed about them--which has happened with LJ, which is why I don't use mine much these days--makes me anxious and less able to express how I feel.

This alias is one I share with very few if any people who can identify me personally. You know my 'common' name, Ess, and me going by this one is something I tend to do when my thoughts are less, say, family friendly or appropriate or societally acceptable given my living arrangements. I also know that FA is hardly always... ahem... for children, and though none live here, this comp is in a rather public room, so I only access it fairly late when I'm sure few people are about. I also got this account on the off chance I own a scanner one day--I like to sketch, though right now I'm lousy at it; hopefully some day my art will be putting on here.

Today I was intimate for the first time in several months--I literally cannot recall any previous encounter. It was with someone I loved profoundly, and want to spend my life near.

...Which is why I found the experience so unnerving. You see, I didn't enjoy it much--I mean, my body reacted as any would, and so on, but spiritually and emotionally, the thing that was running through my mind was... 'this is only for her, isn't it? I'm not enjoying this at all. ...I feel like a toy." And while my body didn't weaken or falter of course, my spirit just felt like it folded like a house of cards. I've heard a lot of 'I don't want to do this until we're married' and 'I don't want to put us at risk of discovery' and the like... but she initialized it, she capitalized on her desires.

I feel like a TOY. Like a... a plaything, just here to satisfy her. And it hurts, more than you'd think, and it makes no sense. After all, I'm the 'man'. I'm supposed to WANT sex. Never mind that being told 'no, no, not now, I don't know when, I've got too much to do' for so long and then just being... GOADED like that makes me feel cheap inside, never mind that I just gave in to the rhythm, trying to satisfy them, never MIND that there are things eating at me--it was empty, to me, and I can't tell if that's because of the fantasies I tend to have, or because I feel... lied to, or keyed to a clock that isn't mine...

Am I making any sense? Is anyone out there listening, who can offer me advice? I'm glad she doesn't know I'm here at all--it's alarming enough I feel like I need to keep my musings secret. I worry about that, some. FA isn't exactly 'family friendly'... Oh well.

More later, I have work tomorrow morning.

I've written about a number of couple of related topics, so far, do I suppose I should touch on this one today. It is at once the simplest and most difficult topic that I intend to write about--though I reserve the right to top myself later, of course. ..The question is: "How much power do your decisions have?" The sample answer is 'however much you give them'. You can approach me, and ask me because of this: "What do you mean? Everyone must work their way through life. Everyone is forced to make decisions, like this one, or that one, because of this or that circumstance." And that would be untrue.

You see, we can frame our lives in one of many ways. Some people elect to frame their lives in this way: "I must do this, to earn money, so I can eat; I must do this, to satisfy this person or this need." But such people, including myself, deceive ourselves! The proper frame for the world is this: "These are the circumstances I am in. I see them objectively and have the power to change them, through my decisions. Since I do not opt to change them; these are good circumstances."

You can say--those who have been hurt, those who suffer, they do not choose these things. And you would be correct, of course--no one chooses to suffer. But how we strive, how we defeat our suffering and sorrows, how we seal them away and defeat the sources of the same, these--THESE--we can control! It is for this purpose I seek to open my eyes, not just for moments at a time, but through the course of life.

I'm oddly thoughtful tonight.

~DJ Springs

I spoke previously on 'control', and some minor reflections on the same--how ultimate control eludes everyone, and so forth. Today I'm going to talk about a related concept, 'dependence'. I won't lie; the cause for this post is fiscal in nature, and like almost all money-related things, is ugly. For the elaboration to make sense, some basic details: I am currently living with someone else, and her parents and brother. I am four hundred miles from any genetic family, and that distance is not easy for me to cross; I have no car. For all of these above reasons, I am dependent on my significant other; for the rides she is kind enough to give me to work, to her mother and father--their house, after all--to my bosses, who can fire me with any cause (although they are not the sort to do that, I think), so on so on so on.

I digress. These are just social examples, and there are other kinds of dependence that a person can experience. One is the one I intend to focus on in this entry, personal dependence--it is entirely possible that one could lose faith in themselves and count wholly on the strength of another person. Such 'strength' is addicting--it's FUN to be someone who doesn't need to worry, who can stand with the strength of someone else. And, in moderation, there's nothing wrong with any of that. But it can be absorbing, enveloping, and make some people who lack perspective forget they have a choice in the matter. And it is *important* to realize: That choice exists, it MUST exist, or it is not love as I recognize it. Even the most basic dom knows that it's the sub who is genuinely in control, and that the actions they take are to help fulfill a fantasy, and taking it too far is something to desperately avoid.

What happens when you switch roles? It can be a rush, I suppose. Vitalizing, and it can make you look at the world in a new way. But it's also less draining than being in one role forever. So to all you readers, all three of you--ha!--go out. Do something, try something NEW soon. It doesn't have to be sexual, it doesn't have to be outlandish. Just try something completely outside the 'role' you play, and see if you enjoy getting away with it.


~DJ Springs.

I sometimes wonder why it's such a common desire of people to have control over others in their fantasies. Is it a lust for power, or is it just the continued attempt to hide from the fact that we all, every one of us, have things beyond our ability to control? Are we just lashing back at the world we can't run?

I know I'm more than a little guilty of the same myself. There are those I'd give ...a lot to be with, and I often find myself fantasizing about having complete submission from someone. But why should anyone want that? Part of love is embracing and understanding the differences in the other, not steamrollering it to fit the make and model of your particular desire. I can't take it seriously any more, to be honest, when I catch myself doing that.

Last night, about two or three in the morning, someone broke into one of the cars owned by the owners of the place I'm staying in. Nothing valuable was taken, but it illustrated to me just how pointless it is to attempt to control the world around us. I find I'm most comfortable in a specific place (On the web) with little interference, but maybe I should step out of that comfort zone more often.

--DJ.

I could pretend, very easily, that I am a perfectly normal human being. I could state that I am selfish to a degree, scared in general, timid about many things, completely lacking in any form of confidence in my abilities or any potential for attraction to others. I could say I am hopeless, do not get sex on a regular basis, possess a rapidly rusting sense of algebra and little else in the field of mathematics, that I have big dreams I almost never act on, and am a shell of a person at least some of the time. I could say all these things, and not be a liar.

I suppose some of you wonder why 'people' like me show up here at all, why I bother looking at what I cannot have, dream of something I fear possessing. Perhaps I wonder that myself; and am deluding myself when I look to the slim boy with the tender smile and the nervous stutter, who exists as much as fantasy as reality to me. Maybe some people in the world will say that I am condemned for my desires, that I am destined to a life after this one of torture and regret.

...If you want to know, it's because I am, fundamentally, a little bit human. I am curious. I ache to learn, to discover. I remember joyful passion as easily as I remember regrets, although I don't take the time to do that nearly as often as I should. I forget that things can happen to me until they do, and then I am shocked that they do, but I learn from them. I keep moving, and I pick up the pieces. I wonder what it says about a person, when only a fragment of them is strong enough to overpower someone else entirely?

I have regrets. I have made mistakes, and do not excuse them. I have loved, and loved without knowing, and loved without seeing. I am human, so I can DO things like that--and have them make sense in my head.

Keep your eyes open. I think I'll hang around.

I suppose I should post something about myself here. This account is mostly an observer, I must admit--I lack access to a private scanner, and my artistic skill is lacking. However, I may post some stories of mine at some point.

I am known as Devon Julius Springs; here at least. I possess aliases elsewhere.

More once I sort this thing out.