I'm still here. Just preparing for a return

So its time to expand my artist pool. I'm looking to commission but the artists of choice in have are small. I don't mean small time, I mean I have a small number of them. If anyone has some suggestions I would greatly appreciate the directions

A few weeks ago,  calafin went into the hospital with Gillian-barre syndrome. That call shook me to the core and made me panic. Calafin is my daddy fur it you didn't know already. Be basically helped raise over the years, showing me skills and teaching me lessons that needed to be learned. But in his time of need, I felt so quiet, like I wasn't as loud as I should be. This was my furry dad in the hospital, if anyone should be cheering the loudest it should be me. So I organized a card campaign for him. I reached out to everyone and asked if they would like to send Calafin cards I would be starting a collection so I could send them all at once. I thought the response would be overwhelming but it was but a trickle. Then I made a get well posted and again very few signed it. I began to feel like I was too small to matter. That I was letting Calafin, a man who was bigger than his tank, down. That the pouring of support wasn't matching his stature. Then I heard other people were flocking to his side and supporting him. I was happy this was happening but also sad that I wasn't among them. I began to doubt myself, convinced that I wasn't being loud enough. But then my dear mother  naketa told me that despite my feelings about myself, my voice was being heard. That the fact I was doing all this was lifting Calafin's spirits. However, some people began to say that I was only doing this to get attention. To elevate myself. I was horrified at this and made me push even harder. I wanted my daddy home, and I wanted him home yesterday. I wanted to boost his spirits with a massive display of support from people all over. I wanted him to know that all my friends cared.

Through all of this I learned a lesson, that even though I'm just one person without a heavy reputation, I can still put into motion a lot of good.

Since I'm feeling totally out of sync with my usual patterns I'm just going to write something blunt and open.

“ You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” – Maya Angelou



Dear furries near and far,

Umm...hi I'm Meiko but you probably don't care too much about that. To many of you I'm just another face in the crowd, just another fur among you all. I have no art skills and all I can to is write but you really don't care about that either. The fact that I just told you what I can do probably has you thinking I'm not someone worth your time. But what if I was to tell you that I once cared for a woman thrown out of her house for two weeks before finally convincing her to go back home where she got her life in order? What if I told you I paid the rent of a friend for two years who would have gladly lived on the streets because he didn't want to live with his mom when his dad died? What if I told you I've been falsely accused things and suffered months of torture yet still remain sweet and loving? What if I told you I faced life challenges with a arm always tied behind my back and never gave up when things seemed hopeless? What if I told you I had everything stripped away from me because someone told people I was up to no good only to be proven innocent yet forgive the person who did the evil to me? What if I told you that through it all I still call this fandom home despite the lack of acknowledgement, appreciation or care?

What if I told you I've been scared by five lovers and yet still had the courage to find love? What if I told you I became someone's calf who lived across the country and only saw them once but still trusts them with my life? What if I told you I fell in love with someone and they got hurt but still loved me after? What if I told you that when I hurt that person I vowed never to do it again and still hold that promise two years later and still going? What if I told you I was given a choice between becoming a devout christian or choosing to continue my path in the furry community? What if I told you I decided to be a life long furry but balance furry life and real life? What if I told you I've been threatened to be put away for who my friends are?

What I don't have in artistic ability I make up for in my ability to be a person, a light, a battleship in a world that seems to be bent on feeding off of its on negative energy. I have people in my life who support me in my adventures. People like  calafin,  naketa,  syrios,  sophiewolfheart,  arcnova,  tobiasvale,  rathkinstealthwing and many many more. I can make people smile, I can cover wounds, I can guide someone away from the dark void of death. I can help and be there for many simply by being around.

But often I feel I don't matter, I'm just a small speck in the grand view of things. Over shadowed by famous furs like Kage, Alkali, Xander and many others. I've had to settle for the backstage and the shadows. It hurts me to live like this but I do it because its all I know, its all I can accomplish. Yet, there is a certain amount of peace I have with this life. I don't need the spotlight to be happy. I don't need to have fan boys and girls screaming my name like a famous rock star or actor. What I have to keep me happy I have had all along. Good friends, a loving fur family and good company. Love, comfort, protection and peace. In a world where personal attacks and social justice warriors are on the prowl for their next victims, I have a safe harbor that is well defended from these evils.

All I ask of this community is to give me a chance to show you who I am as a person. If you don't believe me by what you see then by all means speak to those who know me best. Talk to them and see what they say, listen to their testimony and their stories. We all have something to give and give back.


The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

— Friedrich Nietzsche


URGENT UPDATE

This is not a drill. Due to my skype account being hacked and suspended I've been forced to start a new account. My new account is under writinglearning2[at]yahoo.com

This is not a drill

My motto has always been: "I never leave people, people leave me." That means I will never abandon someone unless they depart from me. I will always be by their side until they tell me to leave and never return. Some people have a hard time understanding that I have a big heart and unless you want me to stop caring about you, I'll never stop caring until you tell me otherwise. I've come across people who didn't tell me to leave them alone, scream at me when I contact them.

This motto has only been violated once when I was in a abusive relationship. I had to make the first move and leave the person behind when it was clear neither of us was going to end it. With the strength of my friends behind me like  syrios,  calafin,  naketa and many others, I took the first step and sperated myself from this person.

Today the motto stands as strong as it has been since I began following it. To this day it represents who I am as a person.

I know that not everyone doesn't like Trump. But take this from a gamer who plays a lot of Overwatch. If you try and contain him in his own spawn point, eventually he is going to break out. After that he is going to smash faces. Frustration will be his driving force and we all will regret it when he does something really horrible. Best to allow him a few victories so he doesn't wreck the whole country, and by that I mean on issues where his wins won't have as much of an impact as things like health care or immigration.

I know I'm going to get shit on by saying this, but I just worry about this.

So I made a new music piece for the first time in years. But for what ever reason FA keeps rejecting it. It says its not the proper file format but its in MP3. So I'm just going to stop and move on, stick to what I know works and not stress myself out. Sorry guys...

A decade ago I created two tracks to remember those who died in the 9/11 attacks. I wanted to create something moving, powerful, shocking. Something that would not allow us to forget that day. Here are the tracks:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/776677/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/776762/

Hello everyone, this journal is to invite all my followers to follow me on telegram. I'm open to conversations My telegram is Meiko_oceans

It all started in December of 2015 following a very traumatic event in my life that I will refer to as the rapture. I met a girl named Toni in a recovery program and the two of us hit it off. We became friends and helped each other through our troubles. She helped me from slipping deeper into darkness and I gave her company. It seemed like a pretty good friendship for the first couple weeks, until one of her friends, Amy, viewed me as a threat to her control of Toni. So she planted false thoughts into her head and got Toni to turn against me. Amy called me from Toni's phone and said that Toni didn't want me around anymore. I was heartbroken, I didn't know what I did wrong and my attempts to try and figure this out were blocked. I talked to some of my close friends for help on this and they all told me that sometimes there is no closure. That sometimes you don't get the answers you want and have to live with it. A couple weeks later she comes to me and tells me that Amy was brainwashing her and that she couldn't stand being away from me. So I took her back like an idiot then a few days later the same thing happened. Got a call from Amy, this time she is chewing me out for talking to Toni again. I called Amy out and said I wanted to hear it from Toni herself. Well Amy had Toni held hostage and made her say what she said. I could tell that she didn't want to say it but had to say it to stay in the good graces of Amy. So I let her go again, this time I was not interested in closure, I just wanted her gone.

Fast forward a few months she comes back saying she misses me. By this time I had forgiven her and moved passed the pain, so like the sweet, stupid orca I am I let her in. For a while things were fine, until she started demanding that I see her every week. I had to cancel events with friends because she wanted me to do something. Then she wanted me to show her to my friends, make her part of the group. The problem was, the group was not for the sensitive. We joke and talk about things openly and some of the things made her upset. It got to a point where bringing her around would cause me great anxiety and fear. I didn't want to subject me to that anymore so I stopped taking her. Then when I was helping her, anytime I did something wrong she was quick to point it out and was very critical about it. She eroded my confidence in my ability to do simple tasks around her. This lack of confidence followed me home to where I was unsure of my ability to do chores. Her oppressive nature had me running scared. Her temper was something to be feared and since she knew how to lure me in close, she had become a serious threat to me. Any time she called or texted me, I would be scared about getting yelled at or be asked to give up another day. It got to the point where I had to lie about my work and say I got called back early. For four days out of the week I was safe but Friday, Saturday and Sunday I was under threat of her. I wanted to stay away from her but my kind heart wouldn't let me leave. So I suffered more, lost more of myself.

Then I had had enough and blocked her number. I felt so relieved that I had finally ridden myself of her. I went about my week as normal until she called again, this time from a different number. She wanted to go out to a gaming meet with my friends. So I took her, and that was a mistake. She came out to everyone and said that we were dating and that we were planning to adopt. I was horrified. She had convinced herself that we were a couple and was now telling my friends the same lie she told herself. I couldn't wait to get her home so I could be free of her. I wasted no time blocking her other number. But the fear of her still remained. To this day I am still scared she will try and come after me. Every time a unknown number appears on my phone I get scared that its her. One girl turned a fearless orca into a fearful calf.

I need help. She is gone from my life and has been for some time, but I need help rebuilding myself to what I used to be. I need help with the wounds that I got from her and the fear she put in my heart. If anyone is willing to help me back up, I would appreciate it.

I started my journey in the fandom in 2006, more precisely, on August 26th 2006 at 11:56 AM. Yes I recorded that because when I joined FA I became a part of this community. I have to say that since I joined I have been challenged in my way of thinking and my attitude to the world. I started out as a immature and some what stupid person, doing idiot things. I made a name for myself, the Michigan slut. However, as I grew older and wiser, I realized that having such a title was not a good thing. So I began reforming myself into what I am today. Through the years I have seen my fair share of drama and pain, been through some painful break-ups and teary goodbyes. But I came to find people who would be there for me and I continue to find them. I am surrounded by furs who care deeply about me. I found  naketa,  calafin,  syrios,  arcnova, and many others who took me into their arms and protect me. What's more is I found friends who would be there for me when I hit dark times and weren't around just for the laughter. They held my hand and kept me from leaving the fandom and helped me heal. When I came back from this darkness I was greeted with open arms and well wishes. No other group of people has been this kind to me, no other group so sweet. Not even my christian family, who is supposed to love me could show that kind of love. The fandom has teached me not to judge others as well as shown me the compassion of its members. It has opened doors and expanded my influence beyond my surroundings. Soon I will be turning 30 years old and I have to say that the last twelve have been the best years of my life.

Normal...its a simple word. Means everything is as it should be. But what is normal? What is normal maybe different that what you may call normal. For example, I find it normal for someone to wear costume tails in public for self expression. You may find this to be not normal so already we have a problem. To universally define what normal is we have to agree on what normal means. I don't mean what we all call normal but what behaviors are.

For example, in middle eastern cultures it is acceptable and 'normal' for a husband to beat his wife when he feels she has committed adultery. To some might say that is not normal, however that is of their opinion and not fact. In some cultures it is 'normal' for an adult to have sex with a child. Though this is quickly being shown as not normal, because it is not universally adopted means we cannot, at least for now, define that.

So what is 'normal'?

Its official, I am preforming with Dr. Samuel Conway. Just finished final details for my planned act and I'm getting more and more nervous. This is going to be either my greatest moment or my greatest failure. The silver lining is that success or failure, I will be performing with someone who is not a jerk to new performers. I wasn't sure if he was going to be open to the idea but I am so impressed that he agreed to it.

I got a GM car because I thought they were higher quality and the customer service would be better. NOPE!!! So my car has a safety recall on it involving the wipers. However, I got the letter back in September 2016 and stated they were working on a solution. So today while I was getting some errans taken care of, the assembly separated from the motor which made the wipers stop working...WHILE I WAS OUT DRIVING IN THE BLEEPING RAIN! So I went home and got the recall letter and went over to the Chevy dealership to get it fixed. I talk to the service specialist and they want to charge me $139 JUST TO LOOK AT THE PROBLEM. So now I want to punch the guy out but I politely tell him to eat a male appendage. I go over to my mechanic and I tell him the problem. I also show him the letter I got and he was shocked at what it said. So the repair come to $271.58, yeah like I have that kind of money laying around with no job. So I go home and get on the phone with Chevy. Because in the letter it says that if I pay for the repairs before they are able to find a solution I will be payed back for the cost. I spoke to the customer care and they told me that since there is no solution yet I will have to wait until they find one. Ohhhh, I was not happy. I said, "So you mean to tell me that I have to pay for a defect that YOU ENGINEERS MADE for a safety recall that YOU ISSUED and I can't get any assistance in fixing the defect that JUST BLEEPING HAPPENED TODAY?!" "We are sorry sir but we can't give you the form until it arrives with the second letter." "Well do you know when I can expect it?" "Sorry sir I don't." "You know with Ford, when they find out there is a problem with one of their cars they figure out a solution and then issue a recall. You guys leave your customers high and dry and make them wait while they are driving around with a safety issue on their cars that could kill them. You guys are GENERAL MURDERERS!" Then I hug up. So yes I am more than just a little salty at GM. Ok...maybe more than a little salty. Like make GM drown in hot sauce salty, but come on, you have a customer who just had a serious problem happen and you won't do anything to help resolve it.

This morning my dad came bursting into my room. He was screaming at me that he was missing money, about $600. I told him I was innocent but he wouldn't have it. So I ended up giving him my Christmas money to replace the missing money. I have never felt so empty before. I had plans for that money as also a test for me. I was trying to see how long I could hold onto it without spending it and I was doing very well. I was almost done with January and I was proud of myself. I was going to grow that money into a nice amount but now that has been ripped away from me. Whats more frightening is that I'm starting to have the same feeling like I did after the raid of 2015 on my house. I haven't been eating at all and what little food I do eat comes back up. I'm holding fluids down fine but other than that things look rather dark. I've spoken to a few of my friends about this matter with my dad and the not eating and some of them are running away. It seems like some of the people I hang around only stay around for the good times but when things go wrong they are more than happy to abandon me. That's OK, I'm used to being abandoned in times of crisis. The only people standing by me are Syrios, Naketa, Calafin and Sophie to name only a few. It would seem that my cries of pain and loss are a bit too much for some people.

One year ago today, at 7:00 AM my world came crashing down. It was when elements of the FBI descended on my house and destroyed my life. The reason was that a former friend of mine known as Nyxx implicated that I was a pedophile after he was busted for sleeping with his five year old niece. He did this so that someone would go down with him. However, I avoided this but in the process I lost my phone and laptop. I was plunged into darkness with no means of contact and it was too much for me. Towards the end of that morning I had told the officials that I wanted to hurt myself. From that moment I would spend the next five hours alone in a room at a hospital. Sure my parents were there but they weren't really there. From that moment on I would be in a constant fight for stability and if it hadn't been for the support from my local furs and my fur parents  Naketa and  Calafin along with many other furs on here I would not have made it. I owe you guys so much for the kind words and the encouragement you gave. You are the reason I'm still here.

Well since this is fall, I'm going to say that my balls have gone into over drive and producing more cum than I know what to do with.

Joel M Kitchen Lol you're still talking you keep digging yourself a bigger hole.

Listen here son, I know what you being so young and stupid your parents never taught you respect or to keep your word. To be honest I think they should have had an abortion. Your chronic liar you going to end up in jail over problem you have.
." I simply do not engage in this sort of thing on Facebook" least we all know you're a man of your word lol let's not forget about the new one. " not going to engage any further" very priceless. You're a true man of your word ^ ^ there's no need to reach out when I have the evidence right here. All you do is lie.

riiiiiiiiiiight

So I got into an argument on facebook about 9/11 and the troll keeps bothering me. This is the most recent message:

Joel M Kitchen: "sorry I couldn't hear you over all the lies you tell. Now what was that did you say something about you chlorine bombing a convention? You do fit this description. No wonder why no one likes you I mean you lie all the time."

I never mentioned MFF at all.

I had a dream a few nights ago where a friend was talking to a fellow dom about opening a dungeon. The topic of staffing for the dungeon came up and my friend offered me as a submissive helper. This raised a question, would a submissive helper be practical for a dungeon or not?

Relationship Casualty report 8/19/2016:




Back in December of 2015 I met a girl in a support group by the name of Toni D. She was a very nice girl, and she had a service dog. The two of us became friends and we grew close and there were signs that the relationship might be turning serious. But then something happened with her and we were on a 3 month break. Then we got back together and resumed where we left off. We hung out for the first time since the break on August 8th and it was nice to see her. She said things like, "I missed you." and "I love you." She then said that the one thing she loved about me was that I didn't judge her on her medical issues and the sort. Because I don't judge, judging is reserved for a higher power.




So as we resumed the relationship she started spelling out her plans for the future for us. I liked what I was hearing but was looking at all this with caution. I was asking myself how long will this last before I'm kicked out again. I didn't have to wait long to find out. On the 9th I went over to visit again and I got to meet one of her friends, Amy. She was a nice gril but I could she had a very sharp edge. The next day I found out just how sharp. At 9:15 pm I got a call from Toni, but it wasn't Toni on the other end. It was Amy who told me that Toni didn't want to see me ever again or talk to me and that she was turning lesbian. When I asked why was she doing this, she said, "Because you gave me a UTI." Toni and I have never gone to bed together so this claim had me very confused.




Then on the Saturday of that week I was coming home from some friend's house when I texted her. I said that I was very hurt from everything and wanted to know if she really wanted me to leave her life. She responded by saying that she still loved me and that Amy had got her phone from her and said those nasty things. She then also said that she needed to kick Amy out of her life because she does this all the time to her other friends. So naturally I was hopeful the relationship was still alive. I went over to visit on the next day, Sunday, and hung out with her for a short time. I left her apartment after a few hours and on a positive note. No sign of trouble or any warnings.




On Friday, August 19th I got a call from Toni. Thinking it might be an emergency I answered. It wasn't Toni, it was Amy again. Once again I was being told that Toni doesn't want to continue the relation ship with me. She also screamed at me, "Why the hell are you still talking to Toni after I told you to leave her alone?" I responded by telling her that it was not her call to make. Toni could talk to whoever she wanted. Amy, in her angry voice which was hard to understand, continued to scream at me and I said, "I would rather hear this from Toni herself and not you." Toni got on and repeated what Amy said, only in a more friendly tone. So when the call was done I was hurt more. I sent a text message saying that I didn't understand and this is the reply:




"Just stop there is nothing to understand i have a boyfriend in you continue to text me or call me i will go get a restraining order against you. You act and talk like a 2 year old child no i don't want to be friends or have any farther communication with you. This is your final warning."




I was shocked and hurt. She never once told me that I acted like a 2 year old or that she had a boyfriend. So she played with my heart the whole time. The whole f****** time. When I told her that I would be leaving Michigan she said, "Lmao what mommy and daddy shipping you away" I said that I was leaving to clear my head so that I could detox.




This concludes the casualty report for the Toni D relationship. Report date 8/20/2016




Written and approved DM

So last night I had one of the worst nightmares I've had in a long time. There was a disaster going on and the government was issuing passes to a safe haven, however, due to the urgency of the emergency they were only issued to people with smart phones as most if not all citizens had them. So when some of my friends told me that there was a place we could go to be safe we all drove there. But when it came time to show our passes I couldn't enter. My friends pleaded with the guards but they couldn't convince them to let me through. What's worse is once they showed their passes, they had to pass through the entrance. So I had to be left outside and then one of my ex mates said, "You were never really wanted anyway. No one like an annoying orca."

So I had and idea. For high powered weapons I think manufacturers be required to put RFID tags built into the frame of the gun so you can't take it out. Next you put sensors on the entrances of all public buildings that are programmed to look for this RFID tag. When someone enters the building with an alarm goes off that alerts people that someone has entered the building with an assault weapon. This alarm also alerts to the police for faster response times. Just something I had, any thoughts?

They say your birthday comes once a year, shouldn't you make it worth the wait for it? Well I'm making it worth the wait for  naketa For over a month I have been building a birthday package for hir piece by piece. So far I've already had to send off one package because it was full and the second one is almost finished. I want hir birthday to be one to remember and although it is not needed for me to send all that I am, for someone like hir its worth it. Now, before everyone gets their feelings hurt, let me remind you that the amount of gifts I give does not have any meaning on the amount of love I have for that person. When I'm out and about I'm always on the look out for things that some of my friends would like or appreciate. Some are easy to find, others...not so much. But when I find that one item, it has to be meaningful. I don't buy just to buy, and I sure as heck don't do it to earn brownie points either (although that is a added benefit) but rather I do it to show that I appreciate them and to say thanks. Many of my friends have been with me through some rough times and the gifts are a sign of that appreciation.

So, Naketa, shi has been part of my life for a number of years and just this year we finally got the chance to meet face to face. And boy was it worth the wait. To say thank you for coming to see me and to also remind hir of hir visit, I'm sending hir pieces of hir visit across country. Many of the items are unique just like hir and I but also have deep meaning. So when shi opens hir gift shi will have a special surprise.

I can't wait for this.