There is an old saying that children have it made. this is so true when it comes to comfort.

when im depressed, i love nothing more than to be held tight and have my back stroked. or be tucked in at night and be sung a lullaby. the things we enjoyed as kids can be therapeutic to adults. i sleep with a pod of orcas every night and it brings me comfort. i often name them after close friends and they all sooth me. but the comforts of a child work so well for me.

Im all for stimulating conversations, the ones that make you think. but sometimes the people just aren't going to listen or simply ignore what you say. what is more frustrating is when the people you are trying to have a conversation with are family.

my parents are on a knights templar crusade to destroy my furry side. they want meiko and meika dead...plain and simple. if its not from god then it must be avoided. if you cannot take jesus there it must be wrong. furries are wrong because they are sexually perverse and therefore unfit to be associated with. ive tried to debate this with them on the grounds of an adult conversation. saddly the results are less than mature.

their argument is based on that furries are sexually perverse and engage in dangerous behavior, (l.e. pre-marital sex, same sex intercourse, and other things). when i cite that members of the christian faith have done horrible crimes such as bombing abortion clinics, they get rathet offensive. all i was trying to do was show that no social group, religious or otherwise, is without blemish. to say there is one is to be blinded. no one is perfect and christianity is no exception. what is sad is because my folks are so religious, that talking to them about furries is impossible. no amout of real data or facts will change their minds.

so in their desire to crush anything furry or anything not “normal” they are opening fire on their own child. “saving” is what they call it, but its also mental abuse. worse yet, mental abuse leaves no marks and the courts can't go after the abusers, at least from my understanding. so in their quest to keep me from something they feel is a threat, they are harming their own son. they see the emotional damage as but a small price to pay for. i say no...this is not ok. im no expert but this is bound to lead to more trouble in the future.

so in closing, can you have a conversation with an adult, yes you can. but with conditions of course.

Ive been finding out that the nights are hard for me. being alone in the dark is a bit much fir me. i used to talk to people when i would be trying to sleep. just hearing their voice would give me comfort and often i would fall asleep with them on the phone. it was like they were tucking me in. but now i find myself wanting that again. on the hard nights i would be so happy to be tucked in.

I will be getting a new phone. Finally i can have a voice again, but don't think im going to post it. those interested should note me their numbers if i dont already have it. mind you, my original phone is inoperable so all the numbers on there are lost. i do have a few on my backup phone but not everyones.

it will be a few days until i have it but it is set in stone, meiko is coming back.

Since my depression struck i have been wanting comforts we all enjoyed as a child. ive been longing to be held until i fall asleep. sleeping alone has become very hard even though i have been doing it for 28 years. this little orca wants to feel safe.

So my depression has reached critical mass. i was visiting a friend this evening to help pick my spirits up and we ordered pizza. when i went home all the stress snapped and all the food i ate came up. i lost the only meal i had all day before it could be absorbed. this is bad because i am currently 20 pounds underweight... worse yet, depression makes the very thing that would reverse this difficult. the idea of eating causes me to be ill, and i loose interest in eating quickly. so i might be in a bit of trouble.

im trying to eat more. but forcing myself to eat makes things worse.

in other news, i will be opening a p.o. box so those who want to write to me, can. i encourage you to write, seeing your letters will go a long way. gifts are accepted but not required, your encouraging words will be worth the wait.

so i woke up this morning crying because the depression was crushing me. i held onto my pod and cried into them when mom walked in. she yelled at me, said that i should be past it and that i shouldn't be crying anymore.

its hard to not cry when you've been so hurt like i have. so to tell me crying is wrong is going to hurt me.

Set fire to hir favorite bear,
sabotage hir computer chair.
Give hir medicine that's out of date,
convince hir to use hir private parts as piranha bait.

Dumb ways to die,
so many dumb ways to die.
Dumb ways to die-ie-ie
so many dumb ways to die...by Naketa

Stab hir in the ass with a folk,
mess with hir room's electrical work.
Harm hir precious calf,
scare Cal with a military draf.

Dumb ways to die
so many dumb ways to die.
Dumb ways to die-ie-ie,
so many dumb ways to die...by Naketa

Invite the Japanese inside,
scratch Naketa's brand new ride.
Shoot hir pet into outer space,
push Meiko into toxic waste.

Dumb ways to die
so many dumb ways to die
dumb ways to die-ie-ie
so many dumb ways to die...by Naketa

Use a rattlesnake on hir pet
sell both Cal's kidneys, on the internet
Eat hir tube of super glue
i wonder what's this red button do?

Dumb ways to die
so many dumb ways to die
Dumb ways to die-ie-ie...
so many dumb ways to die...by Naketa

Sexually tease hir during mating season
disturbe hir and Cal for no good reason
Stomp on hir tail internationally
set fire to hir suit at a convention
shoot hir babykins right in front of hir

they may not rhythm
but they're possibly...

dumbest ways to die
dumbest ways to die
dumbest ways to die-ie-ie...
so many dumb
so many dumb ways to die...by Naketa

“be safe around Naketa Orcan and hir loved ones. A message from your local undertaker.”

i use my journals to let you all know how im doing and what im facing. but a few times my journals have been used to attack me. now im scared to post them.

i just need a hug. today didn't start out well and it got worse and worse. i hate feeling like im dead in the water, that feeling of helplessness. it sucks so much, it really does. ive never felt the feeling of loneliness like this before. its so alien to me that i have no idea how to handle it. writing letters helps me feel not so alone but there is a fear among those i write to that i have addresses for that if they wrote back their letters will be opened by my parents. after much thought i have a solution. ill open a post office box for those who want to write me. those who already have my address can send letters directly to me still or choose the p.o. box. ill post a journal about it once i have it. your letters will be kept secured and private.

its nice to know that i am special to you guys and i hope to be back soon.

Ive been having conversations about pro-capture vs anti-capture of orcas and while both sides have valid points i have been having feelings that there might be a compromise both sides could agree on.

relocate the parks to the coasts. because the whales are so domesticated, simply setting them free will hurt them. but leaving them in tanks is bad also. so after doing some thinking i had an idea that i would love to see a proof of concept. relocate the parks to the coasts and allow the orcas to come and go as they wish. let them decide if they want to stay around.

it preserves the bond between orca and trainer that is so beautiful but also gives the orcas a more natural setting, because they are not in tanks. if they want human attention they can swim back to the show area.

how sea world would organize shows would be up to them but i would love to see how this would work out.

Some times its the little things that have the most impact. a few nights ago i was given a christmas gift by two of my local friends. they were nice but what really got me was the card. in it were signatures from all of the local furs wishing me well. i had no idea i would have been missed that much.

all my young life i grew up with the idea that i was too boring to care about. i had no outstanding talent, no prestige, and was not rich. i had accepted the idea that i would always have little to no value. even when i joined the community i still felt like that. but the tone was changing, however i didn't believe it. i just didn't see how anyone could see anything in me to hold on to. but sure enough there was something, there was something special about me. it took me a while to accept it and now, on a card i see that people really do care. beyond a shadow of a doubt, i am something special.

no more settling for what my family wants of me, its time to return to the community who has been there for me.

Logic has given way to fear, which has given way to paranoia. as it stands right now i am no longer safe in my own home. i wish i could tell you all the full details of why this is happening but its way too soon. what i can say is since decembern 8th my parents have become more afraid and jumpy. they are quicker to strike me and are less compassionet. they are bent on putting me in total isolation (no internet and pre screened phone calls) and they have begun imposing rules the likes of which i have never seen in all my 28 years.

all this has the face of them trying to keep me safe but its a lie. time and time again they keep saying they can't handle the stress when all along they had been saying it was to keep me safe.

i have no access to my own car for they worry about me running away. control is the name of the game we are playing and they want full control. they want to tell me who i can see, who can talk to me, where i go, when i shower, everything. why? because they want the comfort of being in full control of their home life and my freedom is just a price that has to be paid for that comfort.

depression has begun to set in again and this time its bad. ive pretty much stopped eating. i can manage one meal a day and the portion sizes are far below what is needed. im trying to eat more but i don't like forcing myself.

the time has come for a rescue mission to be mounted. its time to free this orca.

This is why i dont like waking up... my folks barged into my room yelling at me because someone was calling the house at 2 am. they are so afraid that they have imposed a ban on me using the phone... wonderful.

Waiting to get a new phone is hard... especially when you want to text or call people at will when things are low. i feel like im swimming around in a tank just hoping for something. i never thought that feelings of depression could last this long. all i can do is hold on and hope for the best.

im getting back into writting letters to people i have addresses for so that i might have something to look forward to when the mail comes other than bills. but it will be nice when the letters start coming in, just have to wait.

Today marks one month since my life was taken from me. I have been slowly recovering with the help of friends and dear loved ones. But its not over yet and there is so much more healing to do. I am so blessed to be a fur and be surrounded by people who care. i never would have thought the community would have banded together around me. Thank you for your continuing support and i hope to be on my feet soon.

Its been a long road getting here and its not over yet. but to those who were worried about me and helped me get this far, thank you. thank you for not abandoning me.

Well im an idoit. i was browsing youtube on the tv and somehow youtube suggested world war z clips to watch. not thinking better i watched a few, thinking they were going to be like left 4 dead or the last of us...boy was i wrong...

those who know me well know that horror and me have a love/hate relationship. we do not get along and horror bullies me.

so now im going to listen to markiplier to fall asleep tonight. no disrespect, but he can make horror funny.

So ive been trying to bring peace and clear up confusion about the community in my house but those attempts have been met with stiff resistace and hostilities. so effectively the first salvos have been fired and im right in the firing line.

to put it, im a little cruiser being shelled by a battleship of the line. why the hostilities? my folks see furries as not normal. “god made us perfect. he did not want us to become something else.” so having a hobby or interest in something you're not is wrong and not normal? what is normal is subjective, what is normal to one is not normal to another. unless we have established a universal understanding of what is normal, “normal” is subject to interpretation. sadly this statement was met with resistance, “do not make this a philosophical argument!” in other words, “do not defend your position with logic or reasoning because our minds are made up and your points are invalid.” so making an informed argument is impossible.

Ive been going through some rough seas but now im being told that i cant talk to the people i care most about. under threat of being kicked out im being ORDERED to abandon the community that has kept me away from evils like drugs and violence and forced into a life of isolation. as i sit here writing this im shaking and crying, i feel as if i have a hole in my heart and im unable to stop it.

im going to battlestations to defend against any further attack. im also plotting to evacuate in the event things get worse.

So i think im getting sick from all the stress im under. that and im getting sick of my parent's new orders. anyone who is not local im not allowed to talk to. i will not obey this order. im not abandoning anyone, everyone i talk to has a special role in my life. it takes a crew to keep this orca running smooth so when im away its hard.

i wish i could sleep in a lap.

I grow tired of people pushing me for a full story on various topics that they feel that im hiding. a full report will be issued when ive recovered. until then please dont pester me about it or i will take action up to but not limited to reporting it to my protectors.

you have been warned

It's bad enough I'm fighting to restore my life to what it once was before the events of December 8th, but now I'm seeing notes from people wanting me dead. Seriously, I was in the hospital because of suicidal statements and actions, now some wish I had actually done it. Where has the love gone? I see more hate towards me and honestly I'm not sure if I'm going to resist this time. Naketa, calafin, syrios, and many others would be heartbroken to hear of my passing. It's not my fault for what happened to me and yet I'm being beaten for it. I will have a full report for everyone once this is all over...that is if I live long enough. My will to live has been severely injured and I am trying to resist finishing myself off. It would be so easy to just throw it all away, but I'm not one to leave loved ones behind.

So for those of you who want me dead here is a warning. A mother's wrath is not something you want to have upon you.

So i called naketa and calafin this morning to listen to them opening their christmas gift from me. i only wish i could have seen it on skype or seen pictures but hearing their reactions and them enjoying their gifts was very sweet.

Its been almost four weeks since my world was torpedoed and nearly sank and im still recovering. it will be a few years untill im fully healed and even longer until i can trust people. i miss everyone, i miss hearing your voices at night and during the day. everyone is precious to me and everyday im out of touch is painful. true to the spirit of an orca, i enjoy being with others. so to be cut off from everyone is like being in a tank at sea world, away from anyone. when you're alone, and i mean out of contact with those who care about you, the pain is far worse than anything because there is nothing you can do to stop it.

recovery is the goal, and i've lost a lot. people have yelled at me, scared me and wounded me. those who are guilty of these will have to answer to my protectors in time, but vengeance is not recovery. i cannot answer evil with evil, but forgive and move on.

love has kept me going, the love of this community has saved me. but im still being attacked, still having others try to rip me away. they want meiko to die, they want him not to exist anymore. but i will not let him die.

i want to cry...i want to cry so bad. i miss everyone...but i cant cry because im being told that i should be past the crying stage.

On december 7th i went into the hospital for an emotional break down. I was there for a week the sent over for more treatment. In this time i was unable to reach out. i still am not fully recovered but to find out that people are setting fires it hurtful. so i ask you as i try to rebuild myself to refrain from any more pain please.