All my old FA journals from before March are gone! I didn't want to delete them. :( I wonder what happened.

Well, in the past few months, it's finally dawned on me just how manic I am. I mean, I knew I had a tendency to be hyper, scatterbrained, I make impulsive decisions, I do nontrivial tasks on the slightest whim, I spend hours and days on projects without getting enough sleep or water, etc. When I realized that this is what describes mania, I found myself wondering if, in addition to my other conditions, I also had bipolar disorder, at least the mania.

Turns out, it's not as simple as that. This article explains that many autistic people have a form of ADHD (attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder) very similar to the kinds of mania that can present in bipolar disorder. However, it's less accurate to say that I have ADHD, and more accurate to say the ADHD is a symptom of my variety of autism. At least, they're so co-morbid (commonly coexisting) that these kinds of mania symptoms are often considered autism symptoms. Additionally, the article explains that it's much harder to even diagnose bipolar disorder in autistic people because of the fundamentally different ways autistic people think and behave, and such a diagnosis may be inappropriate.

I guess this explains why I've been told before that I do not have bipolar disorder. I'm manic, but not bipolar. And, in retrospect, I have vague memories of when I was younger and a therapist recommended against prescribing me ritalin (used to treat ADHD), because it's contraindicated in people with Tourette syndrome (which I also have), because ritalin causes existing Tourettes tics to become more permanent. (Many Tourettes tics come and go over time.) I say I have vague memories, because I had a tendency to tune people out and stop listening. (Ironic. XD)

My profile disclaimer already declares my autism, Tourette syndrome, obsessive-compulsive disorder and tendency to panic attacks. I wonder if it's a good idea to list my ADHD too.

But April's been a turbulent, complicated month. That's not going to happen now. XD

I finally submitted a written work, and it's in semi-screenplay format. I vaguely recalled many of the things I learnt about screenwriting in high school film literature class almost two decades ago, and churned out a rough script.

"But why this, and not traditional storytelling?" he queried, demonstrating a feeble attempt sullied by purple prose.

Because I suck at traditional storytelling. If I ramble easily with poor flow in speech and journals, I ramble just as easily when I try to describe things in a "pretty" storytelling fashion. I mean, have you ever tried to read and process every word of chapter 4 of Fellowship of the Ring? He was addicted to infodumps of detail and background information. That chapter was hell to wade through.

Trying to follow the ethic of "show, don't tell," I would instead try to tell a story in a flow of actions and dialogue. But this takes me to the opposite extreme - when I do that, most of my writing is a list of extremely short paragraphs where someone is saying this, or someone else is doing that. Basically, a glorified script with purple pose descriptors.

And in comes screenwriting, which always came fairly easy to me, because you can focus on the events as your mind's eye sees and hears them, and you can beige prose the actions and slug lines all you want. I mean, since my submission, I have decided to brush up on the tidier conventions involved in writing a screenplay - I had forgotten many small details, like which text should be in all-caps, which items should be on their own lines, etc. But with that, it all seems so easy again.

I don't write in screenplay format with the intent of actually getting anyone to adapt it to the screen. It is more accurate to say that screenwriting is my crutch - it is just a lot easier to write quickly and fluidly in screenplay format that it is in traditional storytelling. As such, my screenplays are actually meant to be read by the same kind of audience that reads novels - in text format only. It's just an added bonus if I'm able to write a screenplay that theoretically could be adapted to the screen in some form, since it means I did a decent job at it.

One thing, though. I prefer to use slug lines very sparingly. I hate micro-managing them, and I like to think that my screenplay can stand enough on its own to permit a variety of camera shot interpretations. I don't want to specify the exact angle and POV of each and every scene - that's the storyboarder's job. :3

On Saturday, I get in trouble with Greenendorf, and have a panic attack, triggered by the recursive anxiety of suddenly realizing my situation but not knowing how to fix it. I also have a minor finger bleed, which is usually no big deal and easy to treat.

On Sunday, I discreetly try to mend what I can of the embarrassment, and hope it blows over. My finger is infected, and it's not really healing at the moment because the deluge of cortisol from the panic attack is suppressing my immune system.

On Monday, my panic attack subsides, and I hope everything will be okay if I learn from my mistakes. My finger is still infected, but I still hope I can get it to drain without seeing a doctor.

On Tuesday, I try to fave another Greenendorf art, only to find out I've been blocked. A second panic attack is triggered immediately, and grows to be worse than the first one. I resolve to send Greenendorf a proper, sober apology, but only when my panic attack is over - until then, I'm not "sober" enough to think or act clearly.

On Wednesday, my panic attack continues with a vengeance. My finger is only getting worse.

On Thursday, my panic attack is starting to subside, but in my sobriety, I realize it may not be kosher to send an apology to someone who has already made the decision to block me - it would be just too rude. I feel discouraged, but I talk to several of my friends and generally friendly people I know, and it helps put things in perspective. I gradually become resigned to the simple logic of the situation.

On Friday, I visit the doctor in the morning to examine my worsening finger infection, and my finger is pretty swollen. He says the infection has now buried itself too deep for a simple clinic surgery, and I'm prescribed antibiotics. They apparently aren't the antibiotics of first choice, because of my known allergies to certain other medications. I take my first dose, but it makes my mind feel like mush. Half a day later I take my second dose, and the mush multiplies, and I plunge into a strong depression. I quickly recognize it's being caused by the antibiotic, because this same thing once happened before with an antifungal.

Today, after consulting to my father, I decide to completely stop the antibiotic and not take a third dose. He actually kindly takes away the pill bottle so I can't even accidentally take a third dose when I take my other meds. My finger is still infected, and still needs to be treated. But we can't talk to the doctor again until Monday, and may not be able to see him again until some unknown time after that, so I'll have to take care of my finger the old-fashioned way (less sugar, more vitamin C) and hope it doesn't keep getting worse. But if worse comes to worst, the emergency room is technically still an option. Thank heavens for health coverage.

All things considered, my week could have been better.

I read up on it. This medication is only known to very rarely cause depression. I was a mentally fuzzy after the first dose, but the second dose plunged me into this really uncomfortable depression. I need to consult someone before discontinuing it, but the weekend just started and it may be complicated. And there's still the issue of the infection I need treated. But apparently not with this particular antibiotic.

These antibiotics are making me so fatigued and mush-minded. But I know I gotta keep taking them.

And I've only taken my first pill. Next dose should come soon, and yet I feel the slightest bit queasy.

Just an infection inside one of my fingers. Too deep for clinic surgery, so I was prescribed antibiotics.

But the doctor also had information I hadn't previously known about panic attacks, that also neatly explains a lot of the symptoms I get during them. My panic attacks flood my body with a hormone called cortisol, which, among things, increases metabolism and blood sugar (which lowers my appetite) and suppresses the immune system (which is why I got this opportunistic finger infection). This fits with my anecdotal experience that panic attacks feel more like toxic physical injury. They may be triggered by the amygdala (through whatever mechanism - OCD, PTSD, etc. - that makes them easy to trigger), but from that point, they play out as real physical illnesses. The Wikipedia article on panic attacks says that they are not dangerous and should not cause harm, but it also says that they usually peak after 10 to 20 minutes. But since mine last days - not minutes or hours - I am physically injured, by the sheer amounts of lingering cortisol in my system.

I think it's important that panic attacks never be treated as a kind of misbehavior or overreaction, because the mechanisms that cause them are often fundamentally divorced from logic and reason to begin with. Since panic attacks run in my family, I know that some family members are actually prone to having them with no cause whatsoever (panic disorder). If someone has a panic attack, they shouldn't be treated like they chose to have one, as if they're having a temper tantrum or mean you insult. And I know from personal experience that if someone reacts negatively to me because I have a panic attack, it only makes it worse and can even create new social panic triggers. I mean, considering we're supposed to use our logic and reason to help us be better-adapted social creatures, it's really annoying (to me most of all) how irrelevant logic and reason become during panic attacks or in managing existing panic triggers.

I may never know all the details. If I make a mistake, I want to make it right. I can offer an apology, but it may never be accepted. For all I know, there could be other factors I'm not aware of. All I have are possibilities, but there don't seem to be enough to solve the puzzle. I hate not knowing, but sometimes I have to accept the unknown and deal with it.

This sucks. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this guilt. I'm going back to bed.

One of the things I swore I'd do was to send Greenendorf a proper, sober apology. But now that I am feeling more "sober," I realize I have no idea how to do that. I mean, yeah, I know technical ways to deliver such an apology, but any delivery method would seem fundamentally (and counterproductively) rude when trying to contact someone who has decided to block me. I just don't know what to do about that, or if I can do anything about that. I don't want to be rude... I feel...kinda screwed on that one.

Also, I've been considering something else. When I made the original comments deemed inappropriate, I remember feeling an overwhelming enthusiasm and good will for the art I was commenting on. But if I was in fact misbehaving... You see, I already know I can have a tendency to get depressed. But I asked a trusted long-time friend if I seem...manic. And he said I totally do, and he was really surprised I hadn't judged that in myself. I was afraid of that, and I think I didn't want to judge that in myself. As much as I have resented the likes of Jake Kaufman doing very inappropriate things during their manic episodes...is it at all possible I myself could be bipolar? I'll have to ask my next available psychiatrist. Something tells me the answer could technically be no, as I don't necessarily have extended mania or extended depression, but instead more frequent random mood flips, sometimes several a day, sometimes one every several days. I just feel so bad about the offense I've caused.

I hate these extended panic attacks. They force me to call in sick in every way. Normal panic attacks in people rarely last longer than two hours. Many of mine last two days, and I never, ever get used to them.

Okay. I get it. My comments were not quite appropriate. I'm sorry, okay? Just make it stop.

The thing is, I suspect a murkier factor I don't know about. Just intuition. I mean, it's hard to believe something got me from zero to banning in such record time by one of the nicest, most soft-spoken people I know whom I have had so much respect for for years. I can't exactly speculate what that may be, because I'm effectively in the dark, and only paranoid people mistake their fears for facts.

Logic tells me to calm down, except I can't calm down. All I can do is take my meds, try to elapse time and eat small amounts of food when my blood sugar crashes. I hate my amygdala so much sometimes.

Since my panic attack started yesterday afternoon, I haven't been able to sleep longer than three or four hours at a time. As such, I've had to take many more naps.

I really wish this panic attack would end soon. The sooner it does, the sooner I can try to send a proper apology, and the sooner I can actually get back to normal life.

My paragraph on mental illness now reads:My personality and speech patterns tend to stand out in spite of myself, so a few disclaimers. I am clinically autistic. I do not have Asperger syndrome, but full-blown high-functioning autism, clinically diagnosed in 1992. In addition, I also have clinical diagnoses of Tourette syndrome and obsessive–compulsive disorder with panic attacks. I am medicated for these conditions, but as a trade-off, I intentionally opt for reduced dosage (undermedication) so that I can retain just enough useful enthusiasm (positive anxiety) to make music, with the option to temporarily increase my medication as conditions require. This still helps treat most of my symptoms, but leaves me relatively less stable overall than full medication would.

(My panic attack appears to have peaked, though it's still in progress. It may color my words somewhat.)

It's not that any one artist is so all-important. Artists you like come and go.

I think what bothered me more, was how disturbingly easy it is to get in trouble, when you didn't know trouble was even around the corner to begin with.

When an artist told me my comments were me misbehaving, suddenly my understanding of the context was turned upside down, and I had a panic attack at the realization that I was the oblivious instigator. And when I have a panic attack, I don't always use the best judgment, because my amygdala is in overdrive. All I really know then is that I feel awful, and I want to find a way to make it better, but can often end up just making it worse.

I don't know exactly which thing I said or did that ended up getting me blocked. But trying to fave a new artwork only to be informed I had been blocked, was what triggered my second panic attack.

I have a strong, deep-seated fear of getting socially blindsided like that. And the way people react in cutting me off - especially when they don't tell me themselves - only makes the embarrassment and panic all the worse, because it seems like the moral this particular story is trying to tell me is "You're screwed. Stop trying anything, ever. Your thoughts and contributions are never welcome."

Logic tells me that reality is usually much more complicated than that pessimistic narrative. Logic tells me that I'm not the only person in the world. Logic tells me that people have their own lives to juggle, and the last thing they really need is to deal with someone like me in their day. They may even sympathize, but just cannot afford the patience involved. What I am may actually be what scares them off more than anything else. And that ultimately seems no less pessimistic, but at least then it's not quite so personal.

I can't necessarily fix all that. All I can do is try to be good. I keep wishing to be given a break more often. I'm eager to have a social life. I want to be a positive presence in other people's lives. And it would be especially nice if people I find most likable and interesting, actually gave me the benefit of the doubt.

Being unable to stay warm.

I bundle up in warm blankets and quilts until I start to sweat, but I still feel cold.

I take a hot bath with warm water everywhere, but I still feel cold.

It's just one of the many ways that my everyday life grinds to a complete halt when I have panic attacks. I hate it.

...I can find a way to send  greenendorf a proper, sober apology. I mean, I guess it's not that bad when someone thinks you're too much of a handful to be around. It can't always be helped - just like the occasional panic attacks (which I think really is 99% of my discomfort). Still, I feel it would be the right and honorable thing to do to apologize for my misbehavior. Just not sure how to go about doing it. Maybe there just isn't any way. But I hope there is.

Logic tells me I have a clinical disease of the brain.
Logic tells me I sometimes do or say inappropriate things.
Logic tells me that I have dysfunctional instincts that don't always react in a helpful way.
Logic tells me I'm medicated for all these reasons, and to take my meds consistently.
Logic tells me sometimes the things I do or say bother other people.
Logic tells me I need help, because I'm not fully equipped to treat myself alone.
Logic also tells me that sometimes, doing my best, just isn't enough.
Logic tells me other people have their own lives and own struggles and make their own decisions.
Logic tells me it's not always personal.
Logic tells me I'm technically undermedicated, reminding me that I chose that as a tradeoff so that I could still do music.
Logic is a smartass, but it's usually right.
But logic can only tell me the truth - it cannot cure the disease.

It's times like these, I really don't want to have a disease anymore.
Logic tells me I can't always get what I want.

 greenendorf blocked me. I...don't even... I liked him a lot. I didn't mean... I think I'm gonna be sick.

In the comments of his Star Fox 2 post, I saw someone mention the "early 1990s palette", but I corrected them, saying Star Fox 2 was a mid-1990s game. FredrykPhox responded with "really dude", and I said, "Yes, literally 1995." What I didn't get at the time was that they meant the Super NES technology (from the early 1990s) palette. Greenendorf intervened, explaining what the original post meant, and to "knock it off". I didn't know there was a problem until just then. And I had a panic attack, I tried to explain what happened, but then my friend told me it's bad to explain for some reason, so I just deleted all those comments and hoped it would all just blow over. Took me two days to fully recover from that panic attack and flush the toxins out of my system.

Then, today I tried to fave Greenendorf's most recent submission. Then I was smacked with a message saying I can't fave submissions from someone who has blocked me.

I think I may be having the onset of another panic attack. Sometimes I just hate all these curve balls. Sometimes I hate being me. I'm going back to bed.

EDIT: Bed is no refuge. The toxins are all in my arms, and in my neck and shoulders and chest and stomach, and even in my legs. I feel faint, but can't actually sleep. I lay down for what felt like 10 minutes of gripping pain, and I check the clock and it's two hours later. Sometimes my body reacts to stuff in the most unhelpful ways possible, turning things that were just mere understandings, into full-blown crises I'm at a loss to deal with. I want to make everything right, and people not get mad at me anymore. :(

I'm not always consistent in how I record my chiptunes. There are two methods I keep using:

(1) FamiTracker's export to .wav file.
(2) Using Winamp with no audio filters, output NotSo Fatso plugin playback to .wav file.

Sometimes I keep doing the former, when I should remember that the latter always produces a better, fuller audio quality.

So I have rerecorded several of my chiptune MP3s, and reuploaded the submission files. This does not effect any of the external NSF/FTM downloads, which are actual chiptune data and not recordings at all. The following submissions are affected:

* Battletoads GB - General Slaughter (2A03)
* Battletoads GB - General Slaughter (VRC6)
* Battletoads in Battlemaniacs - Ragnarok Canyon (2A03)
* Battletoads in Battlemaniacs - Ragnarok Canyon (VRC6)
* F·ZERO Maximum Velocity - Ending Credits
* Xenogears - The One Who Is Torn Apart
* Xenosaga Episode I: Der Wille Zur Macht - Green Sleeves

Just counting Mega Man 1 through 8. I haven't played much of Mega Man 9 or 10 to have much of an opinion, and I have never completed Mega Man & Bass, so they are not on the list. Shadow Man has always had my favorite music. Sword Man has always been my least favorite.

1. Shadow Man (Mega Man 3)
2. Charge Man (Mega Man 5)
3. Burst Man (Mega Man 7)
4. Hard Man (Mega Man 3)
5. Turbo Man (Mega Man 7)
6. Gravity Man (Mega Man 5)
7. Wave Man (Mega Man 5)
8. Snake Man (Mega Man 3)
9. Gyro Man (Mega Man 5)
10. Heat Man (Mega Man 2)
11. Stone Man (Mega Man 5)
12. Spark Man (Mega Man 3)
13. Frost Man (Mega Man 8)
14. Slash Man (Mega Man 7)
15. Crystal Man (Mega Man 5)
16. Needle Man (Mega Man 3)
17. Magnet Man (Mega Man 3)
18. Napalm Man (Mega Man 5)
19. Yamato Man (Mega Man 6)
20. Cut Man (Mega Man 1)
21. Pharaoh Man (Mega Man 4)
22. Star Man (Mega Man 5)
23. Crash Man (Mega Man 2)
24. Air Man (Mega Man 2)
25. Search Man (Mega Man 8)
26. Shade Man (Mega Man 7, default version)
27. Freeze Man (Mega Man 7)
28. Aqua Man (Mega Man 8)
29. Toad Man (Mega Man 4)
30. Metal Man (Mega Man 2)
31. Tengu Man (Mega Man 8 Saturn)
32. Bright Man (Mega Man 4)
33. Flame Man (Mega Man 6)
34. Wood Man (Mega Man 2)
35. Junk Man (Mega Man 7)
36. Elec Man (Mega Man 1)
37. Bubble Man (Mega Man 2)
38. Dive Man (Mega Man 4)
39. Ice Man (Mega Man 1)
40. Astro Man (Mega Man 8)
41. Tomahawk Man (Mega Man 6)
42. Guts Man (Mega Man 1)
43. Quick Man (Mega Man 2)
44. Spring Man (Mega Man 7)
45. Blizzard Man (Mega Man 6)
46. Gemini Man (Mega Man 3)
47. Wind Man (Mega Man 6)
48. Flash Man (Mega Man 2)
49. Fire Man (Mega Man 1)
50. Centaur Man (Mega Man 6)
51. Top Man (Mega Man 3)
52. Cloud Man (Mega Man 7)
53. Knight Man (Mega Man 6)
54. Bomb Man (Mega Man 1)
55. Dust Man (Mega Man 4)
56. Skull Man (Mega Man 4)
57. Drill Man (Mega Man 4)
58. Ring Man (Mega Man 4)
59. Grenade Man (Mega Man 8)
60. Clown Man (Mega Man 8)
61. Plant Man (Mega Man 6)
62. Sword Man (Mega Man 8)

I looked in the mirror, and discovered my eyes are all bloodshot and reddish. I'm not having an infection or allergic reaction that I know of, so I'm guessing it's sheer stress.

Today, I had a nice long talk with my old musician friend Pongball. Between her and  powerlord, I feel I have come to better understand a series of incidents that happened over a decade ago, when I was heavily cyberbullied by a musician who called himself virt, whose real name is Jake Kaufman. My memories of those events gave me panic attack triggers that I still have. As a result, it has made it very difficult for me to randomly encounter his music, or even his name on different websites. In recent weeks, it triggered two separate painful panic attacks.

There was an IRC music community I used to participate in during the late 1990s and earliest 2000s called #sstrax. It was a group that specialized in module music arrangements of the music from SquareSoft video games (such as Final Fantasy), but also included arrangements of music from other games and some original compositions as well. I was involved in this community off and on, with occasional hiatuses where I was absent.

Sometime in the early 2000s, I returned to #sstrax after a hiatus, and there was this new musician I had never met before who called himself virt. The first impression I had of him was that he the crudest, worst-behaved person I had ever met. I don't have a perfect recollection of all the events, but it wasn't long at all before he started to bully me. He would sexually harass me, invade my personal boundaries, and even stalk me across different IRC channels, all in creepy ways. And he had an entourage (or "posse") of people who took his lead and would tag-team harass me in a similar manner. He was really the worst cyberbully I have ever had. And since I'd never met anyone who behaved like him before, I didn't have the experience to know how to deal with it. The result was, his bullying hurt, and the more it hurt, the stronger he bullied me, until I had emotional meltdowns. And he seemed to get off on my pain and suffering, as if it was a direct goal in and of itself. I had never personally encountered so much raw random malice.

But one of the worst things about it, was when I asked my various musician friends for help, but they weren't willing to help me. Many privately admitted that his behavior was extremely abusive, but most feared becoming targets of bullying by him and his entourage. Some even responded by saying things like, "But have you heard how good his music is?" They didn't want to alienate him, because of his musical abilities.

I listened to some of his music, and...it didn't impress or interest me, except in how much it seemed to reflect his very unstable personality. He was like an egomanic who demanded praise and worship from everyone all the time. Worse than that, he seemed to treat his music as an extension of his personal sexual dominance. He seemed to reserve some of his worst abuse for me.

With my friends unwilling to help me, and IRC channels and operators unwilling to apply any discipline to him, I was basically ostracized. I couldn't remain in #sstrax (or even in #vgmusic) while he was there, and he wouldn't stop trying to find anyway he could think of to inflict suffering on me. He was a total monster to me. I ended up retreating into a private IRC channel, where I could ban members of his entourage who tried to follow me there.

The last time I ever had any interaction with virt, was also the most surreal exchange we ever had. After one his entourage (posing as virt) had joined my channel and trolled me heavily, I said only "Good bye, virt," and kickbanned him from the channel. Soon after, the real virt showed up, to apologize for the behavior of his friend, and seemed to want to make amends. One of my friends in the channel privately messaged me then, and warned me not to allow myself to be baited by him, pointing out the likelihood that virt was trying to mess with me while high-fiving his friends in another channel. So I kept it brief, and he left. I never heard from him again.

But in more recent years, I keep running into gaming- and game-music-related websites that mention him. Apparently, he became a famous composer, who made music for increasingly high-profile video games. So I mainly just avoided it all. And for a time, that worked.

In one of  spelunkersal's public art streams (perhaps even more than a year ago), Sal ran an in-stream game music playlist. None of the music was labelled, so when there was something I did not recognize, I would ask what it was. Then there was this busy-sounding chiptune that played. I asked what it was from, and he said it was from a recent game called Shovel Knight. Since it sounded unusual, I asked Sal if he knew who did the music. He said it was someone named Jake Kaufman. After a few moments trying to remember why that name sounded familiar, I felt a jolt of panic, remembering exactly who he was. I had the gradual onset of a full panic attack that reached full force within an hour.

I kept returning to Sal's streams in the future, and he hasn't done game music playlists since that I can remember—just his usual heavy metal playlist.

I decided to educate myself a little, and maybe learn a bit more of what had become of virt. I learnt then that he had always actually had bipolar disorder, and publicly admitted to having been an abusive internet personality for years. Some of my friends opined that he seemed to have mellowed over the years, and was no longer a cyberbully. I didn't know if this was true, but I really wanted it to be true, so I decided to take it with a grain of salt. And with that, I thought, as long as I can avoid his music, perhaps everything would be fine.

Then just a few weeks ago, came some startling news. One of my very favorite video game franchises, Battletoads, was to make its first new video game appearance in two decades. And they were to...appear as guests exclusively in the Xbone port of Shovel Knight. I was instantly full of extremely conflicted emotion—I felt obligated to at least keep updated on new Battletoads games, but the very presence of this musician or his music made me immediately flash back to the horrifying abuse he used to subject me to. I had a nasty panic attack then and there, and it seemed to last for days as I kept having mini-triggers and night terrors afterward.

I decided to try to face some fears, so I sat down and watched a complete YouTube playthrough of Shovel Knight. With this controlled exposure, I could mentally evaluate the game and hopefully innoculate myself to its music. And...I actually sat through it all. I thought, hopefully, I had faced my fears and could get over my problem.

But then just a few days ago, I randomly encountered the musician's name on another website, and bam—another sudden full-scale panic attack. Logically, it seemed like the stupidest trigger, as I thought I should be getting used to seeing his name on video game sites.

After I talked more with some old friends, I finally narrowed the exact nature of the panic trigger, I realized it was far more complicated than I had earlier assessed. Anything that abruptly reminds me of him causes me to flash back to the memories of cyberbullying. And frankly, those memories are...still not okay. Because what he had done to me was not okay, and could never be okay, because my friends confirmed to me that the way he had treated me—in front of an audience, no less—was really every bit as bad as I remembered. virt had a solid public IRC reputation as a complete and total jerk.

So, after trying unsuccessfully to reach Powerlord again, I found Pongball and had a discussion with her. Apparently, I wasn't the only person virt had bullied. He had bullied many people over his years on IRC, and anyone who called him out on his treatment were themselves just as severely bullied. Some of those bullying victims completely quit game music, as virt has completely poisoned any peace or enjoyment they had once had in it. Eventually, many of my old friends (including Pong) who had declined to help me, came to regret their complacency. Pong told me that what happened to me and others was truly horrible, and it had been proven to inflict psychological damage on other people besides me. People didn't always take cyberbullying seriously back then. But now, more people do, because it can drive even more vulnerable people to self-injury or suicide.

Pong considered virt talented, but she also stressed that she considered me talented. But she discussed how virt and I were very different people. virt was accustomed to being praised and worshipped and always being the center of attention, and couldn't seem to deal with it when someone gave him anything less than that. In this sense, people thought him insecure and vulnerable, reasoning that's why he bullied people. But I was different in that I never seemed to have that problem. I explained that, when I was a child, I was a concert pianist who was coerced into playing in front of ever larger audiences of ever more judgmental strangers, and there was a pretentiousness to gushing praise that made me increasingly uncomfortable with being praised at all. I eventually moved away from piano and towards digital music. And when I make music, I want most of all for people to enjoy it and feel emotionally uplifted by it if I can help them feel that way—and I want to enjoy doing it. And if I cannot help them find that, then it only encourages me to do better next time. And whatever the outcome, I want to be treated like a normal person, and I want people to feel like they can talk to me about my work as easily as they talk about the weather. Just...I don't like a lot of gushing praise. I really don't have the guile to act like anyone's hero anyway, so I'd rather not entertain that. Instead of telling me you think my music is so great, I'd rather people tell me more specifically what they liked about it, so I can take mental notes.

Pong told me it's very possible that virt would offer me an apology if we were to talk about it today. Thing is...I already considered he might—if he has indeed matured the way I'd been told he has. But I realized that I wasn't sure if it would matter. Traumatic memories are stored in the amygdala, where their recollection can alert the body with a fight-or-flight response to instinctively protect a person from perceived imminent danger. If I were a primitive human being in prehistoric times, it might have saved my life. But today, it just gives me harmful panic attacks. And since the amygdala is a part of the brain that is not easily swayed by time or reason, the panic attack triggers remain firmly in place even when the entire rest of my conscious mind wants me to just get over them. I would like nothing more than to just finally be okay about what happened over a decade ago, and be unaffected by anything virt does. I'm not really a grudgeful person, and it is logical to find a way to put the issue to rest. The paradox is, even if he were to be the nicest, kindest person alive today, he won't be able to undo the panic triggers he gave me. We can't just unring that bell—I still have to live with those consequences. So does that mean I forgive him? I'd like to be certain of it, but I think there's a visceral instinctive part of me that may never quite be able to do so.

Truth be told, I doubt I would have any problem whatsoever with him now if not precisely for those panic triggers, and I'd surely get rid of them if I knew how.

In the unlikely event that virt ever learns of this journal's existence, Pong wants him to know that she doesn't think he's a jerk anymore. She hasn't in years. She thinks he's become one of the nicest people now. (Unbelievable. Why couldn't I have first met that nice virt to begin with? Instead, I only met the online sex offender and his psychotic entourage, and never wanted to see, hear or speak to him again. Those are memories I could do without.)

As a somewhat crisis-prone personality with my autism, OCD and panic attacks, I used to write a lot more crisis journals years ago. Now, I don't write nearly as many. Why do I write them? For one, they are major developments in my life. But why else? It's not like I expect someone reading them will know what to say. I think to some extent the act of writing them is cathartic, because discussing feelings helps me understand them better and figure more things out.

The thing is, the reason I write less of them now than I used to, is not just that I have developed better coping skills over the years, but that I don't always think writing (or publishing) them is a good idea - that they have the potential to actually do more harm than good. Even if I decide to post them, I may decide to remove them later if I believe they have finished serving their purpose or are counterproductive to leave lying around.

So, if writing the journal entries itself is the most therapeutic part of it, then why bother publishing them? People do therapeutic writing in private all the time. But perhaps that's not enough for someone like me. The act of publishing my journals is also a step of admitting that I have a problem that I don't fully know how to solve, and it helps me commit that much more to finding a solution. Comments from friends are welcome, though I know ultimately that it's my responsibility to fix it however I can.