Estoy viendo fotos, de Andy, de Leon, de viejas epocas de felicidad, supongo.

Las que mas me han roto hasta ahora son las del cumpleaños de una amiga, donde estuvimos los 3. Ahi hay muy lindas fotos de cuando era mas feliz, de cuando no importaban pila de cosas, de cuando eramos los 3. De mis epocas mas felices, cuando podia querer con todo mi corazon a las personas que queria.

Y como una borracha que solo habla con la verdad desnuda le mando un mensaje a Andy:
"estoy mirando fotos, sos lindo, jaja. Te veo mañana. Besos".

Mientras en mi cabeza me hace eco su belleza. Por dios, es la criatura mas bella que existe en este mundo, y ahora que es inancalzable se ha vuelto mas bello asumo. No puedo creer que no sea capaz de matar lo que dejo en mi, de que no pueda corregir los daños de su partida.

Mientras estoy aca, con un hombre que me quiere, que me adora, que me cuida y que me quiere como pocos me han querido. Y yo lo quiero!!. Lo quiero con todas las heridas que me provoca la lejania de la belleza de Andy. Lo quiero, sin siquiera detenerme a pensar en lo que podria haber sido. Lo quiero sin cuestionar mis decisiones, porque se en mi alma que no podria haber tomado otras distintas. Porque se que en el mismo momento en que me plantie la clasica frase: "daria mi vida por volver a tener a Andy" me di cuenta que era mentira. Que no daria a Leon, y no lo di. Que no entregaria lo que quiero construir con el ahora, solos, que no daria el nosotros que estamos haciendo en favor de nada. Asi como no hubiera dado a Andy si las cosas hubiesen sido al revez.
Es dificil llegar a un lugar donde eres feliz. Es muy dificil. Pero es mas dificil perderlo.

Y lo peor, es que las heridas que estoy tratando de sobrellevar se imprimen en Leon: "que tu novio/a mire fotos que se sacó en pelotas con el ex por el cual todavía tiene "algo" pasandole no levanta el ánimo de nadie".

Y tiene razon... y me duele, y me revienta que las cosas sean de esa manera...

Quiero terminar con todos mis putos procesos, y quiero ser libre de la belleza de Andy. Quiero estar tranquila de que lo que hago ahora es lo que quiero hacer, de que quien soy ahora es quien quiero ser. YO.

El miercoles vi Carmen de Bizet. No quiero que Leon sea mi soldado... porque no es asi. Quiero estar tranquila de que soy yo ahora. Quizas lo sea porque nadie mas puede tomar las decisiones que hago. Quizas no lo sea porque me sigue molestando la partida de Andy.

Pero yo quiero estar con Leon, formar cosas lindas con el, quiero que seamos nosotros.

Y es el nosotros lo que le levanta el animo y a mi me recostruye.

Sera entonces que eso soy yo?.

Sera este mi proceso?

Es asi como termina?

Ok now, here are some good old news to make me happy.
It's spring, that is always good, the weather is nicer, te people are happier and i can wear less clothes!. So, i can go out with Leon and feel really sexy and pretty, cause i can wear skirts and all those really little shirts he loves.

The 30 is my birthday, i'll be 21, and i feel so old and tired of doing nothing. I hope i can get on my feets soon, and take my birthday as a point to star to rebuild my life.
I'll have a big party, and i'm having looooooooooots of problems with it, the place i have called is not available, many of my friends will not go, i don't know, i'm worried i never did a big party like this. I'm really woried about it.

This week a 7 dan sensei and his wife a 5 dan sensei came to teach kendo here. I'm really happy, their are good people, fun and exelent teachers. I'm training a bit harder now, cause their are here. They will be here about 6 months and maybe (if we are lucky) 2 years!. I feel like all i knew was only a little of all that kendo has, so i'm really excited to learn!.

And, so on, i'm overcoming the lost of my life. And i'm triying to make a new one, a diferent one and i don't know if this is what i want or what i am.
I'm scared but happy... and hoping i can live this new life...

Well, that's all for now!

It seems i got nothing good to say lately.

My left foot is bad, it hurts since a wile now and it's not letting me train, so, i'm really piss off, cause a great sensei is coming this next week and i may not be able to train at my full capacity.
That gives me fear, i mean, when i'm training i'm afraid of hurting my self again, so i go there and fight with fear. And you can't go inside a combat where every strike means life or death (in filosofy of course, if not Kendo would have really little people practicing the sport) with fear. And i'm triying to take care of myself, to take care of my foot and get well. But i'm afraid of not doing it right, or that my fott is so bad that i'll have to stop training. I love Kendo, i really do, and my life without it would be really sad.

On another related issues, i have 2 panic atacks on the same week. I didn't have one of those since a year or so, but now 2 in the same week. And a 4 hours battle to get out of the bed. I don't know, i'm getting worse, i need to talk to Andy i guess, he's now a good friend. He stay with me as a friend cause "I'm to good, and everybody is always triying to hurt me", he is my friend to protect me, but i don't know if he'll got the strenght to listen to all the shit i feel inside of me. I guess that's why i'm writing all this down, is like talking to everyone and hurt nobody.

Sorry i'm making this a place to let go, but i believe i need it tonight.

Here i'm in my now only boyfriend's house, he's in a concert with a bunch of female friends it's 2 am and i'm waiting... i don't have a problem with him going out with some friends (female or not), he got his place and i got mine... But i feel kinda stupid now...
All this days i have been feeling really scared... but for reason at all...
I want to let down and cry, but i can't cry in his arms, i have to be a strong girl for him. I have to be strong all the time, and people believe i am. But i'm not like that, the only thing i want to do now is to cry my life out.

...I think this is kinda a way of doing it...

Ok, no more for today... i have nothing good to say lately...

Ok, i'll do my best to comunicate the way i feel in english, this is going to be hard...
I had a boy, and i love him, and that was simple. I had many boys, and i love them all, and that was simple. Everybody knew that when they don't feel confortable with the situation they can leave. And my boy did...
That wasn't that hard, i mean, i knew it was comming sooner or later. The hard and awful part was he asking me: "what hapens if i told you i leave?", and my answer was: "nothing, it's your decision", and then he says: "then i leave, we have nothing else to say". And then i smash my phone against the wall. Why he was waiting for me to beg, i hate that, why if i stop him hi would stay!?!. I don't understand people, i don't understand the one i love. And now i'll learn to live with his beauty around, and it hurts, a little because it's always hard to have your heart broken, a little because the hate i feel now the hate of not be willing to fight cause i felt i don't have to fight to be loved (ok, that one is hard to understand) if he wanted to go is the best way to make him happy i don't want to tie him to me, and avobe all it hurts cause i know this will make me crawl a little more into my self.
Hope i learn something... there's no good in "wait, i can cange", that's a lie...

Bueno, supongo que tambien es bueno escribir un poco en español, me es mas facil odiar y amar en este idioma, jaja.
Que puedo decir que no haya ya tratado de comunicar pateticamente en ingles arriba, bueno, si me gustaria poder dibujar lo que siento, porque es una imagen muy clara en realidad. Supongo que con ayuda puedo sacarlo, veamos que sale, no pude hacerlo con un tema de kendo vamos a ver si puedo hacerlo ahora. Bludgeon puede ayudarme seguro, verdad?.
Me desarmo, todo parece destruido y borroso a mi alrededor, me quedan pocas fuerzas en pie. Me siento rara ahora, como fiera, como en combate. Como si la proxima vez que vea a mi chico (Andy) lo vere desde la distancia de mi espada en adelante. Me siento en mi armadura, lista para combatir su belleza y dejarlo afuera para siempre. Es muy raro sentirse asi. Siento que he asesinado uno por uno a sangre fria todos mis sentimientos por el y solo queda la furia del combate, esa furia fria y calculadora que defiende y ataca al mismo tiempo. Ayer me moria, hoy lo mato, ¿mañana lo olvido?.

"Los amores siempre esperan una lucha, y por no lastimar uno muere en silencio"