Well, fuck.

After talking with my councilor about it yesterday (seeing as it's 3:AM here now...), I ended up going back to the welfare offices, and had to sit around for 45 minutes waiting for one of the agents to free up to talk to me personally, seeing as it's the second time I go to them to claim lost checks. (Well, technically not "lost", they just never actually arrived.)

Anyways, I was supposed to have gotten 420$ on Feb 6th, and again, another 420$ on Feb20th. Neither of those checks arrived, and so, nothing's been paid this month, be it phone, rent... or fuck, even just being able to wash my clothes.

Funny thing is, she then tells me they have on file that one check has apparently been returned back to sender because of address change... what? We checked my file, and they still had the same address as the beginning of December. But the more frustrating part of this is that, on the other hand, this also means there was a THIRD check I never got.

Now, the only mail I've actually gotten from these people since early January was my Relevé5 info for tax deductions later on, but essentially it leaves from the same place as the checks. Heck, it SHOULD have come on the same day as the last check.

So now not only am I having trouble getting by, but (and it's likely just my paranoia sinking in) but it almost sounds like someone's screwing me out of my money at the post office, because technically my mail was held back, and as such I had to pick it up in person rather than wait for it at home, since my mail locker in the apartment building was broken, so they were the ONLY people who'd get to handle I mail aside from being shipped there from Québec City.

...fucking Hell, that's 1200$ that never got to me. Goddamnit. >.<;

Anyways, Monday one of my councilors is personally taking me to my ORIGINAL bank a few towns away so I can get a check specimen for my account, that way the money from now on will be directly deposited, which will HOPEFULLY clear up this whole mess for the next few years I'm on this program.I'd have done so earlier with their outlet here but HURFDURF Desjardins seems to have a stick shoved so far up their ass it's poking out of their nose, and they refuse to print me a 0.05$-worth piece of paper just because it's not the outlet my account is at. But I've come to expect this kind of retardation out of them, what with needing 5 months and seeing the head director to take my mom's name off my account a while back. :/


Erg. I could use a goddamn whiskey or something right about now, but I can't even afford it. x_x;

*cough*
Sorry, been a while I haven't updated due to not really having that much going on lately. XD

So let's see, welfare check's late, gonna check if it's finally here later today (gotta go to the post office), I've been playin' a lot of PSU, and got back into DnD sessions with my old gang from years ago. O:

And this entry is totally dedicated to those sessions of massive awesome we've now had twice. :3
Specifically yesterday's, oh god. X3
Some people have noticed my current screen name on MSN being : "The one and only Druid who can cast Hadoken. =D" and asked about it. xD It's a reference to a funny moment in-game in the last session.

*snippet*

"Doomie, the barbarians try to shoot you with their bow. One of them hits you for 5 damage, the other gets a critical hit for 24, and you have an arrow stuck VERY close to your lungs"

(Note, I was in aerial form as an eagle at the time, so I crashlanded for failing a flying (DEX) roll too. XP )

Round's over after the other players attack, the barbarians actually start running away...
Next time my turn rolls around, I revert to Half-Elf shape, and use Call Lightning on the closest barbarian. O:
And I focus all the bolts on the same guy. All 9 of them.


One of the DMs just told me to stop halfway through rolling damage and goes :
"The barbarian literally EXPLODES when the sky suddenly comes crashing down on him with electrical carnage"

Other players get their turns, and they kill the second barbarian. Nalo was being a goof though. XD (when isn't he?)

Then the last barbarian is starting to get rather far away...
So I check my spells, and just grin and laugh when I notice Entangle has a 400ft+++ range...

Needless to say, I talk fast, and I don't articulate well, which is why I usually don't play spellcasters with this group, because we have to actually chant our spells... improvised text mostly, but it has to be clear, y'know?

Well, I totally miss-said mine. xD
Wild surge! >.>
*cough*


"Doomie... roll 1d6 and 1d100"
*rolls*
DM's face just goes blank.
XD
"What did you cast again?"
"Entangle."

"Doomie, as you're about to cast your spell, instead of Entangle, you suddenly flash light into the area as a giant beam of lightning shoots from your hands and zips past the two allies between you and the barbarian, scorching the furthest one before hitting the last enemy."

I put my hands together and yelled : "HADOKEN!"


*DM starts rolling damage, and gives up halfway*

Someone asks : "Loot?"

"Completely disintegrated."

" WHAT?! D:! "


The group's warmage comes up to me after the battle when I start using healing spells and pats me on the shoulder going :
"I'm impressed."

...XD

Funtimes. I rate this almost as awesome, if not more, than when I used gnolls as improvised blunt weapons and tossing my old gnome druid friend around with my warshaper so he could cast spells midflight when he gets into range. XD (36 STR)

Stolen from Skee. HI SKEEEE.

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal (including the instructions, so that other people can understand what it is about).
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
[ b ] Bold [ /b ]
3. Whatever you don't bold are false

001. I like laser pointers
002. I don't drink water
003. I believe in world peace
004. I sleep with a plushie
005. I'm ambidextrous
006. People accept me how I am (well, most)
007. I'm addict to anime/manga
008. I speak 1337 better than english
009. I'm daltonic
010. I don't like mirrors
011. I play card games
012. Puppy eyes melt my heart
013. I have a job
014. I love chocolate
015. I can type faster than I speak
016. My heart is easier to break than my bones
017. I collect things
018. I don't trust people
019. I have a lucky number
020. I'm afraid of knives
021. I start too many projects and never finish them
022. I have more than one pet
023. I can't see anything without my glasses on
024. I play chess
025. I have lied to protect other people
026. I am vegetarian
027. I know the future
028. I prefer books than movies
029. I love to draw
030. I don't have brothers
031. My handwriting is unreadable
032. I believe in extraterrestrial life
033. I don't use Google
034. I can't live without my cellphone
035. I always wear a cap
036. I have more diskettes than books
037. I've never seen a snow day
038. I'm not religious
039. I can understand graffiti tags
040. I'm not afraid of death
041. I go to the bathroom more than 7 times a day (lawlcoffee)
042. I believe the government is into a conspiracy
043. I love videogames
044. I'm an activist for the defense of nature
045. I'm a moody person
046. I always carry a weapon with myself
047. I prefer cold than hot
048. I look for known shapes in the clouds
049. My Internet connection sucks
050. I rarely go to the cinema
051. I'm old
052. I have insomnia (somewhat)
053. I have tattoos
054. I don't know what people expect from me
055. I'm unbeatable in domino
056. I don't like IMs (Instant Messengers, like MSN or Yahoo)
057. Horror movies scare me
058. I used to eat non-toxic glue
059. I feel rather than think
060. I use Firefox
061. I have hope
062. I have a car
063. I remember what I dream
064. I don't need to use Liquid Paper/ Corrector Pen
065. I'm patriotic
066. I worship the devil
067. I hate Windows XP
068. I like solving crossword puzzles
069. I have a social life
070. I always read the newspaper
071. I checked the box to avoid seeing mature content in dA
072. My I.Q. is above 160
073. I like mexican food
074. I don't give a good impression
075. I get bored easily
076. I'm passing through a period of changes
077. I hate taking a bath
078. I can't go out without makeup
079. I don't know what RAM is
080. I like to talk about politics
081. I have a third eye
082. I'm uninteresting
083. I have a Blog
084. I have to take pills
085. I have lots of CDs
086. I always have a dictionary at hand
087. I'm tired of this quiz
088. I care about copyright protection
089. My computer is older than me
090. I have a boyfriend/girlfriend
091. I see dead people
092. I drink tea
093. I have a good memory
094. I've never been to a concert
095. I enter to my house through the window
096. When I was a child, I wanted to be an astronaut
097. I don't watch TV
098. I'm unresistable
099. I have invisible friends
100. I love FurAffinity

Or at least, not always.
Anyways, I hate when my pessimism is right.


The guy who came to lay out my internet wires did exactly what I feared would happen -- laying my lines so close to my neighbor's, he managed to drive a tack right through hers and cut off her phone signal.

Or something.
Either way, since I have internet, she doesn't have a phone anymore. After she used my cellphone to call Bell, they sent a technician to fix it tonight, and I "supervised" him, because if he screwed up my line fixing hers, it would cost ME 100$ to get another technician here.

Thankfully, shit didn't go down twice. Her signal's back in, and I'm typing this. Hoo-rah!
Also, she called my cellphone to check if the connection was working and had a good laugh hearing my ringer for the first time. Good ol' Super Mario Bros 1 themesong, Dee-dee dee deedee deeee deee ~

Well that's settled. Guy also told me to go get my cellphone checked if it overheats when using it for the internet, as it's not normal o_o;

OH WELL.
Time to heat up some pizza again, I need to finish those leftovers.

Random title is named after the fluffy puffball of a mountie-hat-wearing beaver plush sitting on my comp's right speaker. X3


ANYWHOOT!
Oh snap, it's a journal entry THE DAY AFTER ANOTHER ONE.
Typing this out is probably causing a seeming the very fabric of the universe somewhere, and Deej probably already has theories and prophecies about it. Somewhere in the recess of his mind. X3


Not much to say. It's been a rough night -- after 50-something hours I finally managed to get some sleep, but it was only mildly "restful", if that's even a word, because I kept randomly waking up every hour or two and still felt like I was pulling 100 pounds of dead weight around on limbs made of JELLO when I had to get up and out on the town to attend two meetings at Carrefour Jeunesse today.
Today the group thing was an activity on communication, and how opinions can vary with circumstances. Interesting stuff. One dude there gave me tips on cooking, so it's been a fairly good start to the day.

Forgot my headset though, and the walk there and back made me realize once again how freakin' cold it is this year. DX

In between both meetings though I had some free time, so I spent that hour drawing while having lunch at the place's cafeteria. Did a little bit more work on the one-page comic-y thing featuring mehself, Kaz's character Tori and the tank Nall drew for me. Still got a few things to fix up on that (lawl I suck at perspectives) but it's coming along.

And on a more aimed note : Got a few short comic ideas I want to do of me and Deej, inspired by his own comic work he did of our Gaia Avatars. X3
I've got one of them already 4/5 drawn on paper, I should have it finished soon enough, if I can get myself around to doing it. XD

Now I think I'll put on some Hammerfall and do a few air guitar solos, then try UT3 online. Still need to get around to buying Team Fortress 2 before Hammy's server expires. D: I wanna play with all of you sexy VGC guys and gals, but I'm stingy on cash. XO

Edit :Team Fortress 2 acquired. =D
You can all thank Ragin for letting another girl onto your internets. X3

Until next I write or post,
~ Doomie :3


- - - - - - - - - - -

[...]
"For a Hero's Return our hearts still yearn!
Rise and conquer, let the infidels burn!

Oooh...

Now, I've returned from a place far beyond.
My mission I set, let it be done!

We still believe in a brighter future,
The dreams are ours to fulfil!

For a Hero's Return...."

SOOOOOOOOOOOO Guess who's back!?!
Well, you probably already know if you're reading this (LOLDURR *smacks self*).

BUT!

Now I has internet at home!
YES THAT'S RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN (and in-betweens, and nonsexuals... and aliens, if there are any reading.)

I have my own internet connection now!
3 months of free internet in fact, now that after a week of waiting, Bell finally dispatched a technician to my place to re-wire the entire telephone line system for the apartment, since the last tenant thought it was a BRIGHT IDEA to yank out all of the wiring, break the wall jacks and chop the non-yanked wires into bits.

EEEESH.

Anyways, I was expecting a 100$ bill since I don't have insurance or anything, as I have a "Dry Line" for DSL and no actual home telephone signal, so Bell's telephony insurance doesn't cover me. :X

BUT! (#2)
The dude said he wasn't charging me, 'cuz he's marking it down as having my first phone jack installed (since every apartment is by law allowed to have one phone jack installed for free).

SO YAY.
I won't have to eat whole-wheat pasta three times a day for two weeks! XD




In other news, sleep problems arise again. I've been up and about for... 25 hours and a half now. Can't sleep. When I do, I barely get 2 hours of shut-eye before waking up again and feeling like utter crap as if I hadn't slept in DAYS.
Granted I like not sleeping, it gets BORING when you're alone. But now I can turn to the net for simple pleasures next time insomnia strikes back, like watching all of the Reboot episodes again. :D


ON SO IN THE KINGDOM OF THE FRENCH, EVERYTHING IS WELL FOR ONCE.
Except for my cup I used when heating water in the microwave for my coffee. Poor thing decided it had gone through enough of life's torment and decided to end it's ceramic-kitchenware life while I was putting it back in the cupboard after having poured me some coffee water.
AND SO I was dumbfounded to find the shattered remains on the floor as the handle was still quite very much in my hands.

Two minds in one cup? Difference in opinion between the head and the arse, or in this case, the main body and the handle? Only the Holy Grinder in the sky will ever truly know. It was a bitter coffee, drinking of the fruit of a long-known, and now gone, friend's endeavors. The handle soon accepted it's newfound fate on my shelf of curiosities next to my .Hack//SIGN pins and grandma's ceramic wolf. Maybe the handle will lead a better life now, closer to it's long-lost-but-now-found distant cousins of the art ceramics family? Time will tell.

(tl;dr -- My cup broke off from the handle after I had used it this morning to heat some more water. /random)

And thus is concluded my journal for today.
WHAT LIES IN STORE FOR TOMORROW?!
Well, we'll see that tomorrow, if I don't forget to post.

...yeeeeeah.

Well, looks like I've once again faultered in updating. *smacks self*

Anyways.
Fresh new year to start off on, hopefully for the better. 2006 was a disaster (for me anyways), 2007 was only slightly better and, here's to making a wish, 2008 will be better.
If it ain't, I'm bustin' the bat out, taking out it's kneecaps and drowning it in the lake by 2009 come. XP

Anyways, the holidays being over with, I can say it was only mildly pleasing. I got to see my brother and sister, and one of my cousins and grandma which I hadn't seen in quite a while, but at the same time had to deal with the all-too-familiar chaos that's always reigned at my parents' house. Baaaahhumbug.
On a brighter note, Ragin sent me a card and two games -- someone knows how to make a gamer happy! X3 Loving them so far, thanks again man, you're awesome. <3

Apart from that I had a small personal crisis in not knowing whether or not my landlord would let me keep my apartment, since by the time Emploi Quebec got back to me about Social Aid, I was already past the day of the month that I could be legally kicked out for not having paid rent yet. Thankfully things turned out better, and he let me pay him back the month of December at the same time as the month of January after the first check came in.

Speaking of, it seems to have paid off to get in contact with Carrefour Jeunesse. Thanks to the lady I meet with on a weekly basis there to follow up on how things are going, I got upped onto a special program that should, if nothing goes wrong, last an entire year and keep me housed and pay for my necessities while I get my act together. The meetings with the CLSC that she got me in also paid off, having led me to meeting with the Montreal General Hospital Psych department within the month (rather than being stuck in a line for half a year all over again).
Good news is they agreed to follow up on me, which should hopefully lead on to the next steps to resolving the whole GID problem. Bad news is it's going to cost me almost as much as I pay rent. Actually, 25$ less than rent, so 300$. Yeeeesh.
Ah well, it's important so I'll make due.

With the remaining money from December and January, I got in contact with MasterCard and Bell, paid off some debts, and finally got my cellphone reactivated (which I also use as my home phone), and I should be getting internet back within next week. Free actually, for three months. Had the clerk sign a paper stating it really WAS free and without contract, so I'm safe JUST IN CASE.

Artwise, I think I'm slowly improving. Sllowly. Very, very slowly.
I still haven't gotten back to colouring though, haven't been able since my last big art block. It seems so silly, even to me, that my hand just cramps up when I try... but I'll eventually get back into colouring... even if I have to bite my hand off and stick the tablet pen in the stump to do it! HEAR THAT, HAND?! Bwa.

Videogame-wise... iunno. I'm sortof bored with gaming. Usually I take this as a sign of depression, which is probably the case, but hell, at least I know about it, so I figure I'm only one step behind it. To pass time I mostly just read, draw (or try to, anyways) and play a mix of MODblivion, StarForce : Rogue Universe, Universe At War, Sims2 and X3: Reunion.
I got Unreal Tournament 3 this week, but without internet access it loses a small part of it's awesomeness. Hopefully that'll be fixed before the end of next week, and I'll be right back into the fun and fury of mass mayhem.

A lot of people have asked me why I don't just get a job already, so I figure I might as well answer :

A) I have a really, really bad problem when it comes to dealing with crowds or handling money. If it's more than a half-dozen people or 20+$, I get overly stressed, which leads to :

B) Having trouble concentrating on what I'm doing when I start getting stressed. It's a vicious cycle in which I'm so scared of screwing up that I stress myself more and more and the problem just keeps getting worse. Then shit hits the fan because I :

C) Start having panic attacks and anxiety problems when I get TOO stressed. It doesn't really take much either, they had to drag me into the back thrice when McDonald's tried sticking me on cashier position because it actually got to the point where I've fainted. Working the kitchens was fine, the only thing I had to deal with was the crazy beepers for things being ready, no crowd, no money. Just food, and a simple work routine.

Problem is, most employers want polyvalent workers these days, and since the only qualifications I have are a highschool diploma and bad comments from past bosses for having trouble working, it seems the only things I CAN get are the stress-intensive customer service jobs. x_X;

I could likely ace right through a professional course for technical comp work or something if I had the chance for it, but my parents sure aren't helping there. Hopefully later on this year I might get my shot at such a course with the help of Carrefour Jeunesse.

Anywhoot, enough ranting for me today. I'll have some new art up soon, just need to get the files uploaded.

Happy (belated) new year everyone,
And may the sands be warm under your feet.
~ Khats/Doomie

Warning : Post may contan horrible typoes, because I still can't seem to get used to my dad's weird U-shaped keyboard.

Thanks for all the well wishes in the last journal's comments everyone. *hugs*

So far, Saturday's been a painful day. Had all four wisdom teeth removed. They actually did all four wisdom teeth at once on me too; though they had to saw the bottom ones in half to get them out for some reason. Bitches wouldn't grow out of the skin, but they sure grew big, I'll give them that much. o_O;


I'm at the parents' for a while until my gums heal some more, that way if anything comes up they can drive me to the dentist's. If something came up while I was at the apartment, I'd be stuck there, short of paying 30$ of taxi to get there >.>

...which don't quite help when I'm still 40$ behind tis month's rent and need to pay next month's rent soon. =S
I'm not worried about not making enough, just about how the landlord will react when I tell him I'll be delayed some more.

Other than that things are swell, albeit lacking in interwebs.
I finished StarTopia's main mission roster aswell as Nexus: The Jupiter Incident's campaign during the week, and I'm likely to tackle Titan Quest and TQ: The Immortal Throne for the nex week or two.

Other than that, not much happening. I applied at a local aluminum factory for work, but they haven't called me back yet. Too bad, I would of loved to work there. I hate counter jobs personally -- and the position at the factory was in the back at the paint bath. 19$/hour too. :S
Hopefully they'll call back sometime soon. I could really use the money. XP

Gonna try picking up the local newspaper sometime soon and see if there's anything interesting going for the weekends, a second job would be good for the budget. =3

Production at the chocolate factory is still relatively slow, though now at least I know I have a minimum of two days per week, hopefully three this week. Not much more to report on that front, other than my boss looks at me weird when I'm dancing on my chair while wrapping. xD

I might be on MSN for the next day or two, depending on how long it takes for minimal healing up of my gums, then I'll be back to the netless apartment until either next weekend or the one after that.

But now, time to hit the hay. The combination of drowsiness-enducing pills, bloodloss, surgery, healing, and being told not to drink soda or coffee in meatime has made me a very very tired kitty. @_@

Good night folks, and y'all take care now. =3
(for reference, it's 2:25-ish AM right now here xD )

Anyways, helped mom take my old cat to the vet, since I'm the only one who can approach him and put him in a traveling cage without getting clawed to pieces. Kitty-cat's gonna be fine. Ye old fart just happens to have torn off a chunk of his skin along with fur (Oooowwwww) when trying to clean off the shmut near his right eye on the furniture.



AS FOR ME ~ Well, I found a place. Already paid a little over half of this month's rent, seeing as I don't have enough for the whole thing, but the landlord's a nice guy and he took a week off the month's price and said I can pay what's left after my next work week. Granted it's not a luxury suite, but 'eh, it'll do. A fairly cozy room with a lock, shared kitchen with 2 other people, and there's a washer/dryer right outside our door, 1,25$ per wash/dry batch.

The only problem I can see to it is the lack of internets on entering, so I'll likely be offline for a month or two while scrounging up moniez.

On the bright side, this might finally be the stability I need -- the other two people renting rooms in the unit with me have apparently been there for 2+ years, and the landlord said they were really quiet people. Speaking of which, the landlord's a cop. So I'm guessing the tolerance level for shit in the complex is pretty low. All the better, I just want some quiet ME-TIME when I get home from work myself. @_@


So yeah.
This is me saying my goodbyes for now. Depending on how fast I can work my way out of the money problems hole I'll be back on the net within 2 months or so.
(Note: I may or may not find an internet cafe or library in the area to update from in the meantime, but it's no guarantee.)

Much love to all the awesome people out there, I hope you take good care of yourselves. Especially Caitlin. ~ <3

Arrivederci, and peace out folks!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


"Empty spaces - what are we living for?
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score..
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are looking for?

Another hero - another mindless crime.
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime.
Hold the line!
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance.
Another heartache - another failed romance.
On and on!
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess i'm learning
I must be warmer now..
I'll soon be turning round the corner now.
Outside the dawn is breaking,
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free!

The Show must go on!
The Show must go on! Yeah!
Ooh! Inside my heart is breaking!
My make-up may be flaking!
But my smile, still, stays on!
Yeah! oh oh oh

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on! Yeah!
The Show must go on!
I'll face it with a grin!
I'm never giving in!
On with the show!

I'll top the bill!
I'll overkill!
I have to find the will to carry on!
On with the,
On with the show!

The Show must go on!"

Yesterday when I came home from work I was pretty surprised to find my roomate isn't there. Moreso suprised she wasn't back by the time I went to bed.

Then I started getting worried because when I woke up, her girl's lunchbox was still at the same place, and I know the kid has school today.


...
I figured she's either :
A) Being overly dramatic about the fact I told her in the car yesterday that I am pretty pissed about the fact she wanted me to move out during the slowest month of the year for production at work, implying I have next to zilch cash, and that I wasn't happy with the way she came to tell me either.
(The morning she did, she just started screaming at me. Then two weeks later tries to apologize and act like nothing ever happened. >_>; )

B) Gone to visit family or some such, and slept over there, and decided both her kid could skip a day of school and she could skip a day of work.

...yeeeeeah.

Well, I was right. She just called me here and told me I've got until Sunday to get everything out, because now she "Doesn't feel comfortable" coming back to the apartment while I'm there.

Jesus. If you're going to scream at people and force them out of their housing situation, the LEAST you could expect is that they'll be pissed, and deal with it. She's damn well lucky I'm actually taking this as lightly as I do, because most people have suggested me to either A) take it to court that she can't evict me like this or B) smack her. The worst I did is tell her I'm mad about the whole thing, and now she's treating me like I'm out to kill her.


Bitch is crazy -- and I feel bad for her kid.
And the worst of all this is I know she's about to lose her job.

I'm honestly starting to wonder why I'm the one seeing a psych.



Hell. Now I either need to go through a youth shelter, find a place in less than 2 days, or end up back with my parents. AGAIN.

God damnit.

...
I'm really starting to get tired of this. And I don't mean "Pissed", I mean, literally, tired.
My roommate just told me today that she doesn't like my lifestyle (two days ago she said she loved having me around) and to find another place to stay.

Granted, I COULD try to get law on my side, but I'm not going to bother. I don't feel safe living with her anymore. She's got emotional issues out of the wazoo and lately she's been getting more and more angry at her kid, which, honestly, I don't want to wait till the venting starts coming out on me. (or that could be why she so suddenly wanted me out, too.)

Either way I consider myself lucky. Reinforcing my original distaste for cars, this lady smashed her car a month back, drunk-driving, while her kid was with her. She often tells me "Oh if you had come with us, you could of told me otherwise!" but honestly, I just see it as having been a lucky stroke on my part to not have been in that car when that happened, because the passenger seat where I normally sit was the part that had the most damage.
=_=;


Anyways, I've contacted a few of the local youth help groups around the area and I'm working with them to try and find a place for me to live. If within two-three weeks I still don't have anything, I'm going to take their offers to move back to either the Montreal or Saint-Eustache regions. The only reason I've refused those so far is because as long as I stay in my current area, I can continue working at the chocolate factory. Otherwise I need to find a new job after moving, again. ...sixth time in a year's timespan. =_=;

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And the road becomes my bride,
I have stripped of all but pride,
So in her I do confide,
And she keeps me satisfied,
Gives me all I need...

And with dust in throat I crave,
Only knowledge will I save,
To the game you stay a slave...

Roamer, wanderer,
Nomad, vagabond,
Call me what you will...

But I'll take my time anywhere,
Free to speak my mind anywhere,
And I'll redefine anywhere...

Anywhere I may roam,
Where I lay my head is home...

And the earth becomes my throne,
I adapt to the unknown,
Under wandering stars I've grown,
By myself but not alone,
I ask no one...

And my ties are severed clean,
Less I have the more I gain,
Off the beaten path I reign...

Roamer, wanderer,
Nomad, vagabond,
Call me what you will...

But I'll take my time anywhere,
I'm free to speak my mind anywhere,
And I'll never mind anywhere...

Anywhere may I roam,
Where I lay my head is home...

But I'll take my time anywhere,
I'm free to speak my mind,
And I'll take my find anywhere...

Anywhere I may roam,
Where I lay my head is home,

But I'll take my time anywhere,
I'm free to speak my mind anywhere,
And I'll redefine anywhere...

Anywhere I may roam,
Where I lay my head is home...

Carved upon my stone,
My body lies, but still I roam...

Wherever I may roam,
Wherever I may roam,
Wherever I may wander, wander, wander!

Wherever I may roam...

Yay for stealing journal quizzes from  shinigami-whistle ! XD

NINTENDO:
[X] You respect Mario.
[X] You know who Shigeru Miyamoto is.
[X] You believe the DS is superior to the PSP.
[] You hate Sonic for being a cool whore, as well as SEGA fanboys.
[] You love cartridges over CDs. Only for the load times and less worries about damage.
[] You feel sick whenever someone mentions "CD-i Phillips".
[X] You still like Pokemon...even a teeny tiny bit.
Score - 4

SEGA:
[x] You respect Sonic.
[] You know who Yuji Naka is.
[x] You weep for the Dreamcast.
[] You dream for Shenmue 3
[] You hate Mario for being so lame and fat, as well as Nintendo fanboys.
[] You love harlequin clothes for reminding you of NiGHTS.
[] You love the Virtua Fighter series.
Score - 2

XBOX/MICROSOFT:
[] You love HALO.
[] You bought at least one multi-format game on Xbox.
[x] You know who Blinx is.
[] You are proud of your Gamerscore.
[X] You smile at how everyone complains about the PS3 MORE than they did at the 360.
[x] You find such a thing as having a full memory store to be inconceivable.
[] You have been on Xbox Live.
Score - 3

PLAYSTATION/SONY:
[] You have a PS3.
[] You believe the PS2 has the greatest game library ever.
[] You believe the PSP is superior to the DS.
[] You hate the Xbox and the 360.
[] You bought the PS3 as soon as it was out.
[] You know who Ken Kutarugi is.
[] You consider Resistance: Fall of Man superior to Gears of War.
Score - 0

RETRO:
[x] You know what an Atari console looks like.
[x] You played Space Invaders, Pong and/or Pacman.
[x] If you are British, you know what a ZX Spectrum is. If you are American, you know what a Commodore 64 is.
[x] You wish you didn't know of E.T the game.
[] You love point-and-click games.
[x] You emulate.
[x] You despise anyone who can't respect the old skool.
Score - 6

SHOOT-EM-UP GAMER:
[x] You played Time Crisis and/or Virtua Cop.
[x] You consider HALO inferior to Goldeneye 007.
[] You consider Goldeneye 007 inferior to HALO.
[x] You snort in disgust at the idea Columbine was caused by playing too much DOOM.
[x] You have played Counter Strike and fragged merrily.
[] You know why everyone hates medics yet you've never been in the army.
[] You've done Grand Theft Auto and yet never been in jail.
Score - 4

RPG GAMER:
[x] You love at least one Final Fantasy game.
[x] You cried at least once during any RPG game.
[x] You named at least one videogame character after yourself.
[x] You equate videogame music of RPGs to the artistic level of Wagner or Beethoven.
[X] You know that even the most effeminate villain can become badass with a brilliant theme song.
[ ] You believe that your heart is the most powerful weapon.
[x] You've dreamed of having an RPG adventure with your friends/family, level upgrades and all.
Score - 6

BEAT-EM-UP GAMER:
[] You do a Hadoken.
[x] You know at least one Fatality.
[x] You mash buttons like Chun Li kicks.
[] You have calluses on your thumbs.
[] You've injured yourself mimicking at least one move from a game.
[] You know kung fu.
[] You know of, or play, M.U.G.E.N.
Score - 2

IMPORT GAMER
[] You know more titles of games in Japanese than others do.
[] The Dreamcast is still alive to you.
[x] You despise the NTSC/PAL divide.
[x] Money is no object to you.
[x] Customs can go to hell.
[x] You pity the average continent-bound gamer.
[x] You praise emulator hackers.

Score - 5

Total Score : 32

[ ] You have eaten fish food.
[ ] You have eaten dog food.
[ ] You have eaten cat food.
[x] You have run into a glass door.
[x] You have eaten an ant.
[x] You have eaten grass.
[x] You have licked a tree.
[ ] You have polka dotted underwear.
[x] You have pink underwear.
[x] You had contests with your friends to see who can create the loudest burp.
[x] You have screamed a random word in public.
[x] You wave at people you don't know.
[x] You have flushed the toilet because you were bored.
[x] You have slapped yourself out of boredom.
[x] You sing the "FUN" song.
[x] You hold conversations with a pillow, blanket, stuffed animal etc. (cats. :D )
[ ] You dream of llamas coming out of peoples' butts.
[x] You think people who eat brains are cool.
[x] You sing karaoke even though you know you're horrible.
[ ] You know how to spell "supercallafragalisticespialadosious" by heart.
[x] You make up your own words and use them with people who have no clue what they mean.
[x] You have a new haircolor every 5-7 months. (going a lighter red every time!)
[ ] You have striped socks and you have wore them so people can see them.
[x] You have hugged a random person.
[x] You have ran up and down the stairs because you were bored.
[ ] You have created a puppet show with your socks out of boredom.
[x] You have imagined people saying "bla" and blowing up.
[x] You just tried imagining people saying "bla" and blowing up.
[x] You are addicted to the Animaniacs themesong.
[x] You are addicted to "The Pinky and the Brain" theme song.
[x] You have stared at your ceiling for over 10 minutes. ( When I am mad or bored)
[x] You talk to yourself.
[ ] You have conversations with your imaginary friends.

Multiply by 3 for the result.

I'm 72% immature!!!
...wait, what?

BAHUMBUG! Y'all jealous I haven't lost my youth. DX

"Our Grinder which art in heaven, strongest be thy brew. Thy kingdom perculate. Thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily fix. And forgive us our sleepiness, as we forgive them that rest against us in buses and subways. And lead us not into steeping. But deliver us from decaf."

"Amen."

- - -

"Notre Rectifieuse dans le ciel, plus forte par votre brassage. Votre royaume filtre. Votre volonté soit faite sur terre comme elle est dans le ciel. Donnez-nous ce jour notre dose quotidienne et pardonnez-nous notre somnolence, comme nous pardonnons ceux qui se reposent contre nous dans les autobus et les métros. Menez-nous pas dans le sommeil et libérez-nouse du décaf."

"Amen."

Stolen from  shinigami-whistle ~ =3



This is fun to do!
The only catch is that you can't ask the person who posted it anything about it!
Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine.
Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine.
Title your response "My Bar Tab is$........"
You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Did some X -- $15
Did cocaine -- $20
Did meth -- $25
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you--$40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Had sex with members of the same family -- $50
Had sex with 2 different people in the same day -- $50
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$50
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $100
Spit in someone's food --$25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good --$25
Been raped -- $500
Have raped -- $200
Had sex with some one under 16 -- $300
Had sex with a dog -- $25
Had sex with a horse -- $50
Had sex with a cat -- $75 (add $50 if you tied it up so you didn't get scratched)
Have you ever had sex in a fursuit -- $100
Have you ever had sex while your partner wore a fursuit -- $100
Been spanked by a lover -- $50
Been whipped by a lover -- $ 100
Been fisted -- $150
If you know what "CBT" stands for -- $250
Used whip cream in bed -- $25
Used handcuffs in bed -- $50
Used a whip or paddle in bed -- $75
Ever imagined the person you where having sex with was some one else -- $100
If you have had a butt plug in for more then an hour -- $75
If you ever used any vacuum cleaner attachments -- $100
Had someone come climb in your bedroom window for sex so your parents would not find out -- $100
Used a blow up doll -- $50
Drove away from a car accident you caused -- $500
Cut yourself on purpose -- $100
Cut someone else on purpose -- $150
Pissed on some one -- $10 (Add $10 if they drank it)
Been pissed on -- $15 (add $20 if you drank it)
Shit on some one -- $20 (add $25 if they ate it)
Been shit on -- $25 (add $50 if you ate it)
If you have ever been shot -- $300
Dyed your hair -- $10
Dyed your pubes -- $20
If you ever ate your own cum (vaginal fluids for females)-- $20
Smoked while having sex -- $20
Ate a sandwich while having sex -- $50
Slapped someone across the face while fucking them-- $100
If you ever shoved a candle up someone's ass and lit it-- $200
Fucked someone while they were crying-- $300
If you have ever fucked a girl on the rag -- $100
If you ate her out after -- $200
If you have sucked your own cum out of a guy's ass -- $200
If you took this test and were completely honest add -- $500
Didn't use a condom -- $50
Got an STD -- $ 25
Have an STD -- $ 100
Planned to kill some one -- $50
Killed somebody -- $1,000
Add $5 for each tattoo and piercing you have
Add $10 for each scar over an inch long that you have

Tally it up and title it..."My Bar Tab Is $...."





~
ALSO stolen from  Shinigami-Whistle X3


Appearance
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4"
[ ] I am taller than 6'0"
[x] I think I'm ugly
[ ] I have many scars.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (MAYBE)
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I've got one or two Scars

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.
[x] Have a spoiled sibling

School/Work
[ ] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.
[ ] Are or Have been home schooled

Embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something intentionally
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public
[x] I fell down on my face

Health
[ ] I've gotten stitches
[ ] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office/emergency room with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had/need a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada. (I live there :D )
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.
[x] I've been out of my home country.
[ ] I've Been in Thailand
[ ] I've been in Phillipines

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[x] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play
[ ] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
[x] I've kissed a girl/guy

Honesty/Crime
[ ] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test
[x] I've run a red light. (litteraly ran XD )
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[ ] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Drugs/Alcohol
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] I've smoked weed
[ ] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[ ] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide.
[ ] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.
[ ] I cut myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collect comic books
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I buy the newspaper everyday

Random
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[x] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[ ] I love being neat
[ ] I love Spam
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue
[x] I've worn pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[ ] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names.
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
[x] I have been on the computer when I am as sick as a dog.

Today I had a peach for the first time in a looooong while.
And it was goooood.



That is all. ^_^

I return!

...with a wall of text. ^^;


ANNNNYWAYS.
It's been a while? Must be.

So I beenz busy with life and stuff. Got really sick a lil while back and had trouble with work, but I'm feeling much better now and my work issues are fixed, so I suppose I can leave those in the past. Next week I'm on a forced vacation though, as my boss is closing down the place to go help the other company manager with renovations at the new site for the chocolate factory/shop, so all of us wrappers are taking an improvised break in the meantime.

Other than that, I've reshuffled my MMORPGs around again. I was mostly playing City of Heroes/Villains and Phantasy Star Universe, but I decided to shut down my accounts on both due to not really having anyone to play with me. Now I just stick to RO and WoW on free servers (barely play them though) and Final Fantasy 11, when I get around to installing the new Vana'Diel Collection 2007 I bought.
Caitlin used to play CoH/V and PSU with me, but both her accounts expired and she doesn't have the money to re-enable them, tough I don't blame her.

Speaking of which, I think I'm finally getting over the whole breakup bitterness and my relationship insecurities. I still feel bad though, namely because even after everything's that happened and my even breaking up with her for what I thought would have been a lasting relationship, Caitie was still by my side to help me when it all turned to shit. At this point I've apologized to her for being such an idiot, and we're trying to salvage the relationship we once had.

Other than that, nyuu, not much. I finally got around to drawing up and colouring the very first comic page for what will, hopefully, finally be my lasting project. At least this time I have help; Deej is cowriting the story with me. I've finally gotten the Seasons expansion pack and it rekindled my interest in playing Sims2, so nowadays I'm mostly keeping to that and X3:Reunion. (neat space game I found while looking for how to make an EVE private server, or other EVE-like games.)

Been reading the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and "If Chins Could Kill : Confessions of a B-Movie Actor" in my spare time between being home, and although I finally got myself a tablet, I really haven't used it much, mostly due to lack of motivation/confidence in drawing.

Aside from that I'm running into a bit of a financial slump; I actually couldn't even afford this month's rent but that's mostly due to a missing week of work and having missed a bunch of other days to appointments and being sick. Eitherway I'm still at no risk of losing my home; my roomate was kind enough to pay for me in the meantime.

I also FINALLY got my anti-androgens prescription.
It's been, what, nearly 5 years now? Bloody medical system's filled with idiots I tell ye, but at least I finally came across a clinic with people that have their heads screwed on right.
After a month of anti-androgens I should be good for starting estrogen.
Granted that month's currently delayed, because I'm still broke. XD
But that should be fixed by the second week of September. ^_^

Sooo, yeah. Life is life I guess?

=-= June 10th, the Aftermath. =-=


Well, my birthday at home was, for the most part, once again ruined by my parents. GG.

My god, I sometimes wonder how the heck they can even stand telling me they support my transition when they up and give me fucking men's perfume as a birthday present, that was downright insulting to me on the spot. Who the fuck gives men's perfume to their daughter?

Oh well. I hid out the rest of yesterday playing City of Villains with Lunther, Nalo came over to keep me company, and today my friends took me out for pizza.

I'm also considering a coworker's offer for housing, as at this rate, I'll never be able to save up money over time with these morons I have to call parents mooching off everything I make to pay their damn bills and crap.
I just really hope I won't have to call the police to get my stuff out of the house.




=-= June 11th, Gifts and Finds =-=


Sloooow morning today. Having chicken and coffee for breakfast. Chillin' with music as always, and

/ OMFG. /

Lunther told me he had gotten me a present and that it would get here today.
So yeah, I thanked him and bunch of times and sent him some <3's, which is sadly most of what I can do from up here, but, oh god, I really wish we lived closer so I could just kiss him now. I knew he told me I'd love it, but I really never expected this.

He sent me the book : "The Making of Doom 3".

By the cogs, I had to hold myself in so I wouldn't burst into a fangirl squeal when I opened the package this morning.

I am so happy right now. Omg.


On a less bright yet still somewhat okay cool note, I found an amazing painting in the trash this morning.
APPARENTLY, mom was throwing it away because "it has a scratch and the border frame's white is stained."

DEAR GOD WOMAN, show some appreciate for art! Fesus juck, since when do you keep art for the white border? That's just plain out there.

Oh well, I took it out, washed the frame and put it up in my room. No way I'm letting an amazing masterpiece like that go to waste, I know my dad's mom would have blown a fuse seeing my mom do that. >_<
I suppose it takes artists who know how hard these kinds of things are to make to appreciate the amount of work, detail and perfectionism that goes into such things.

Or maybe my mom's just an idiot, which wouldn't be far off.

Oh well.
MAKING OF DOOM 3.
SQUEEEEEEE. <3

Sooooo, not much as of late. Been playing CoV every now and then, getting the occasional drawing done and chatting. Mmm, good times, good times.


The only thing that's been picking at my nerves is my ex's journal.
At first I didn't mind it. Everyone else I know who saw it said shi was off her rocker, so meh.

Yesterday though, I realised those are Trillian Timestamps.

Kay, I can deal with not talking anymore. I can deal with not gaming together anymore. I can deal with her telling herself that what she thinks is the absolute truth, but god, if I'm not mistaken at those Timestamps, she was either venting/making a bad name for me with other people.
Sure, I don't mind. But the LEAST she could do if she's going to bring up my past is get the facts right, geez.

Aformentionned Journal :
[link]

Yes, I image'd it. This way she can't delete it like her past journal entries, or the comments Tom made correcting her on some of the things she said.
Sure Sae, keep going "LALALA NOT LISTENING."


The following might not all be S(afe)F(or)W(ork), and most likely TMI.
But if she's going to try to claim knowing the truth, might as well post the /real/ truth.

Now let's get started.

[20:46] Seri Otter: Ome and Doomie meet Cait.
[20:46] Seri Otter: Cait joins them.
[20:46] Seri Otter: And then Kitten.
[20:46] Seri Otter: And then Pat.
[20:46] Seri Otter: And then Pat uses Doomie for sex and is told to leave.
[20:46] Seri Otter: and then Tom joins.
[20:47] Seri Otter: wait no
[20:47] Seri Otter: pat uses Doomie is told to leave
[20:47] Seri Otter: and then Kitten leaves.
[20:47] Seri Otter: and THEN
[20:47] Seri Otter: Tom joins.

Wait what? What's this bullcrap timeline?

Me and Ome met and got together with Cait.
We met TOM.
Tom joined, if shortly. Then took time away from us when Pat joined because he didn't like him all that much and he needed time seperate from a relationship to gauge how he feels about his orientation.

Through Pat we met Kitten.

Aaaand... wait, WHAT? Used for sex? Look, /I/ dumped Pat because he turned out to be a lying sleezebag who, outside of his spare moments of niceness, stole things from his workplaces, faked his legal info, drove irresponsably and, right before going to the hospital in January, I couldn't contact him ANYHOW for 36 fucking whole hours via all of phone, email and MSN and even having Ome and Cait tell him to call me URGENTLY.

Sex? No, the sex had nothing to do with it. Fact is, the sex was great actually. Just because a guy can act like a complete douchebag doesn't mean he can't use his cock right. I'll give him THAT much.

As far as using me, well, uh.. no, not really. I actually went for it first more often than not.

But yes. /I/ talked with Cait about dumping Pat, because when we saw him try to trip the three of us apart, I had seen enough. (Well, I already had, but Kitten was being insisty about giving him a chance even though she was sick of him not paying attention to her.)
And later on /I/ dumped him, and Cait and Ome followed suit, since we had missed Ome online for a while.

Then Kitten eventually left.

Then Tom came back to us after some soul-searching (and fun nights in Amsterdam =D ) and knowing he didn't have to endure Pat anymore.

THAT's the right timeline. An about... 5-6 month span.


~ Moving on...


[20:47] Seri Otter: I saw Tom as suspicious and like Pat.
[20:47] Seri Otter: So did Ome
[20:47] Seri Otter: We pointed it out.
[20:47] Seri Otter: Tom was told to leave.

You know, until now I agreed with you on that one. Mainly because I let myself get influenced by your paranoia and my own insecurities doubling over.

But you know what? Ome had actually asked Tom to do the Master/Pet thing with her again, and /I/ was the one who kept baiting Tom to be the whimsiccal charming, because I absolutely loved every moment of it.

Then again you also borderline-blamed Tom for the 7chan raid on my gallery because he checks it out for laughs, and as far as I know you probably still do, omitting the random notes from PSTP that Mred was most possibly behind the whole thing.


~


[20:47] Seri Otter: Cait kept picking fights with Ome and myself
[20:47] Seri Otter: so shortly after she was told to leave.

Picking fights? No, not really. If she disagrees on something she does argue it for a good while, but hey, nobody's perfect. I never had any trouble with Cait myself, so I'm seeing this is a /communication/ and /patience/ issue, not just her picking fights.

Yeah, she DID come to me all the time afterwards. Why? Well maybe because I was the only one of us who knew how to talk to her without making her feel like a complete blonde dipshit. Most arguements were actually started in casual chat because she wouldn't agree on something, and rather than explain it calmly to her, both of you would go on a "NO UR WRONG AHM RIGHT, AHM ALWAYS RIGHT" binge and cram stuff down her throat till you made her feel like she's flunking 3rd grade.

Sure, yes, I completely agree she can be stubbornly persistant even when she's wrong, but you don't cure a depressive person by giving them a gun and telling them to shoot themselves.

Patience is a virtue. Doubly so in communication.
Like, a shit ton of it.


~


[20:48] Seri Otter: so it was down to Ome, Doomie and myself.
[20:48] Seri Otter: And we wanted to make things work.
[20:48] Seri Otter: but Doomie was facing troubles at home and gender issues
[20:48] Seri Otter: or so it seemed.

Seemed?
SEEMED?
Fesus jucking braindead popsicle monkeys on fire!

Have you READ any of the journals?

Have I not been to and back from the mental ward for severe pressure breakdown?
Have I not nearly gone homeless, losing my apartment after McD's cut me down from a 30-40 hours per week schedule to zippo/nada?
Have I not moved out simply because my family was really THAT much of a bunch of quacks?

Let's pile some more on that! What about the confidence issues, the budget issues, the fact that after coming out of the hospital I was too damn weak to start working again right away, and that at that point the ONLY thing I could do is go back to that stupid family of quacks? That I'm STUCK here in Quebec until I can get my transition done, and that it's been over 5 years now and that I only NOW finally started getting the proper medical help I've been looking for? I can name more. Dental problems, issues with my physical looks, issues with my art, chronic artblock among other things, and that I'm starting to lose interest in drawing alltogether after 4 failed attempts at starting a webcomic, which has so far been my life force and driving goal?

There we go, that's the tip of the iceberg. Do I need to go down into the thick part and start naming more?


...good God. SEEMED like I had issues?
If that's SEEMED, I don't want to know what "has slight issues" is.
I pity whoever's "Knees deep in issues".


~


[20:48] Seri Otter: Ome was Doomie's closest person, ironically in what was supposed to be an even relationship.


Oh hey, that MIGHT have something to do with never meeting you in person, and knowing you PERSONALLY for barely a month compared to Ome who's been close enough to hold me, and have been with for nearly two years.


~


[20:49] Seri Otter: Doomie plays games for 12 hours straight in one sitting.

Why yes, if I have 12 hours straight of nothing to do, and I feel like gaming rather than doing anything else, sure, I'll play for 12 hours if the game is interesting enough for me.

OH HEY, DATING SERIOUS GAMER GIRL, LET'S NOT EXPECT HER TO GAME LOTS.

No, I'm definitely not a pro. But I /do/ like my gaming.
And considering it's the best stress relief I've found, and considering the huge amount of crap I deal with on a daily basis, I do happen to game a lot for stress relief, thank you very much.


~


[20:49] Seri Otter: And she's forget that either Ome or I exist.

Actually, when I played games I was nearly /always/ AT LEAST on either your Ventrilo or on MSN. If I was gonna forget you two existed, I wouldn't have done group pics of us, taken time out of my day to fix my sleep schedule to see the both of you as much as I could, and stuck around on MSN when nobody's saying anything just in case you or Ome popped a squeak every now and then.


~


[20:49] Seri Otter: Which we confront her about, as well as a couple issues about her ego and talking about how great she is at things.

You know, this is one I have to completely agree with you on.
I /DO/ have a ginormous ego. But for some reason, no matter how much I say it, all the closest people I am to don't seem to believe me. Odd. Oh well, it's not like I'm quiet about it either.

As for confronting... well it pretty much went along the lines of :

"Oh hey we don't like that you do this, change. NOW.
Or else we'll WALL'O'TEXT you about it next time you come back from an already shitty day, just to make things worse, and go LALALA NOT LISTENING when you tell us to give you a break."


~


[20:49] Seri Otter: Without much time to think about things
[20:49] Seri Otter: she blames all of it on me, and leaves Ome.
[20:49] Seri Otter: Crushed.

Actually, thinking time I had lots of. I'd been thinking about leaving you and Ome together as your own couple ever since you dumped TOM, before you guys even decided to get rid of Caitlin.

I'd actually been thinking about it enough for it to start making my hands shake at work, which was rendering me pretty much useless as a wrapper.

So yes, I left Ome. What probably hit the nerve moreso is that I blocked both of you.

Why? Because of the email Ome sent me when she noticed I blocked her. Saying I'm rushing things. Saying I'm "running away from my problems". Basically repeating everything you kept saying, because as far as I know, Ome's letting herself be influenced by you just like she did with me (apparently, she claims her gender idendity was influenced in her latest Sallies post), by Pat and then by Tom before you came in the picture. Pretty much every person in the relationship that wasn't more submissive than her.
She was playing the broken record of you, even though everyone else I talked to agreed that it was a choice for the better.

So yes, I blame it on you. if you didn't come along, you wouldn't have talked with Ome about Tom, and kicked him out. Same with Cait. And then I wouldn't have had to leave for you two to be happy together.

But why is that a BAD thing? Of course I blame you, if we take you out of the time continuum here, it WOULDN'T have happened, or at least, wouldn't have had YET. You just sped up the process.

As far as I know that's a GOOD thing. Because Ome was miserable, and distant to all of us lately. Now she has someone to confide in and be happy with.

...and crushed you say?
Like I said, Ome was already miserable before I left. She's been HAPPIER with you around. Considering we kept ending up fighting, it made her even more miserable.

I took your own advice, I stopped running from the problem. Actually, I can't really run from myself; /I/ was the problem in /YOUR/ relationship. Knowing Ome's happier with you, I was happy just knowing she'd be as well in the long run, because staying would of only led to things getting even worse.


~


[20:49] Seri Otter: After Ome had tried to buy her a plane ticket to fly her to a new home
[20:50] Seri Otter: and after it was purchased
[20:50] Seri Otter: she decided to take an offer from her mom for an apartment
[20:50] Seri Otter: thusly destroying the $600 ticket

See, this is another case of you not knowing the full story, and acting like you do. Well, you don't.

I don't know if you knew, but the ticket was meant to help me get to B.C. to go live with a friend's friend until I was settled and making enough money to be on my own. It just so happens that AFTER we got the ticket, I learned that this guy's family wasn't necessarily the cleanest around. Drug-wise.

And yes, it was 600$. Ome was the one who offered it.
And when I asked her about payback, she said it was fine.

So then one of my friends let my mom in on it. My mom panicked and called her sister. Blah, long story short, my UNCLE (not my mom) offered me 1500$ to try getting settled in an apartment closer to here. Mom offered to help me look for it.

So yeah... I had to choose between going to BC with nothing in my pockets, near-diddly work experience, and somehow survive on my own there until Ome gets around the fact she can NEVER get a visa to Canada because she hasn't finished highschool...
-OR-
I could take my uncle and mom's offer, get a place here, near all the clinics I needed to visit (and we would have had to move back here for them anyways), have basic furniture, keep my comp, get help for the 3 first months and do what I can from there.

I don't know about you, but the choice was easy for me.
So yeah, I destroyed the ticket. And then I askedOme if she wanted me to pay back for it. She pretty much responded along the lines of "No, it's fine, I understand."

I didn't question her on it. I needed what money I could for rent and bills. If she REALLY wanted it back that much, she really just needed to ask or stop denying it.

In the end it came to being moot because of the pressure breakdown due to the Pat situation and the loss of hours making me lose the apartment, but I don't really regret my choice at all. At the time of it, choosing the ticket over the other offer was just plain dumb.


~


[20:50] Seri Otter: When Ome confronted her, she said Cait was her closest.

Actually, I said that, AT THE TIME, Cait was closer to me, EMOTIONALLY.
Read : At the present moment, lately, of recent events, during the past few weeks/months, etc...

I always trusted Ome more than anyone because of how much she's done to take care of me and help me out of problems. I've gone as far as trusting her with my life.

But that doesn't mean we're close on every level. Cait was closer to me emotionally as of late because Ome just plain grew distant from me while Cait kept prodding to know what was bothering me.


~


[20:50] Seri Otter: Pretty much, since Ome wasn't her ego booster and financial backbone, she quit.
[20:50] Seri Otter: Without thinking.

Actually, you two BOTH offered to help me pay rent to get away from my family and to help with medical bills.
That's some mighty nice financial backbone right there.

No, I chose to NOT take the money. My ego boosts itself just fine thank you, and "Without thinking"? Read all the above parts.


~


[20:51] Seri Otter: And she made it evident, even with all the very blatant hints that Tom had surrounding him, giving a very ... unsettling Aura.
[20:51] Seri Otter: She said she could go with him, and he serenades her on Deviantart.

Blatant hints? As far as I know, Tom's been an amazing guy so far. It's a damn shame your paranoia is making you blind to it. :/


~


[20:51] Seri Otter: Not to mention she said she could with Cait
[20:51] Seri Otter: who ...
[20:52] Seri Otter: has no ambition in life. Is 26. Lives with her parents. I don't even think she takes her gender issues seriously (she claims to be MtF Transgendered)

No ambition in life? She's been applying to jobs. She's been applying to colleges to go into Sound Recording Arts. Yes, she lives with her parents. That MIGHT have something to do with her dad mooching every damn penny she has everytime she has a job, and now she's stuck with bills and bad credit to her name because of him.

Yeah, sure, she could stand up to him. And he could esily kick her out of the house. Being homeless would be pretty damn counter-productive.

I've talked with her about the issues before. She does take it seriously, but she's more concerned about settling the other problems in her life. She's not going to be able to afford anything anyways until she A) gets out, -or- B) gets her dad out of her wallet.


~


[20:52] Seri Otter: And another thing
[20:52] Seri Otter: Doomie had sex with Pat.
[20:52] Seri Otter: Because they lived near eachother
[20:52] Seri Otter: and she showed it on webcam
[20:52] Seri Otter: now if you're MtF Transgendered and gender dyphoric
[20:52] Seri Otter: for one, you won't likely want to have sex
[20:52] Seri Otter: for two, and most importantly
[20:52] Seri Otter: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SHOW IT
[20:53] Seri Otter: NOT ON CAM


No, we had sex because goddamnit, I've been depraved for years and it's been driving me nuts. The first time I went at it with Pat must've been one of the most relieving things /EVER/. At that time, he hadn't yet grown into the lieing bastard we know him as now.

And yes, we did Cam. The problem is, you're here mentionning it like I was showing TEH WORLDZ. No, we were showing it to Cait and Ome because they were almost pretty much begging to see. (Haha, not like you could see much anyways.) It's an poly relationship, I don't see what the problem is if, somewhere down the line if things worked out, those two would of ended up someday seeing the same thing but IN PERSON. Geez.

Pretty ironic though you'd be going on like this when you'd almost brag about once having 10 people in bed and all the batshit crazy kink stuff you go on about...

No, I don't really WANT to have sex like this. But fuck if you can tell the difference between pre-and-post transition when you're the one taking it up in the rear end. (NOT the front)

You know, on a gender identity dysphoria level of speaking... I'm pretty damn sure of my identity. I want to correct the problem ASAP, but hell if I can't have even a little fun in 5-10 years with the unassociated parts or give pleasure to my lover (at my own expense) every now and then.

~


[20:53] Seri Otter: I think the move with Cary
[20:53] Seri Otter: which was supposed to be all of us living with a couple, Cary and Cody was because they thought
[20:53] Seri Otter: that Cait and Doomie would do nothing and Ome and I would pull money
[20:53] Seri Otter: and Tom was well off, so whatever. He had money.
[20:54] Seri Otter: Doomie wanted to be a "House Maiden"
[20:54] Seri Otter: I call bullshit. She wanted the easy way out.

Bullshit? BULLSHIT?
I'll give you what the bullshit is, the bullshit is your stupid ass waiting queue for getting a damn green card because of all the terrorism crap. (as if they'd wait for a visa. /durr )

Cary offered to house me AS AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT.
Well, what the fuck else than House Maiding would you want me to do? ANYTHING ELSE (that's declared) would get me deported!


~


[20:54] Seri Otter: And now.
[20:54] Seri Otter: All she's doing is leaching off of others pity.
[20:54] Seri Otter: And trying to get people to feel bad for her and boost her ego.
[20:54] Seri Otter: She's inflated. She's hopless.
[20:54] Seri Otter: hopeless*
[20:54] Seri Otter: And the fact that she mentioned considering turning back
[20:54] Seri Otter: sickens me.
[20:54] Seri Otter: like.
[20:55] Seri Otter: She doesn't even think Ome's hurt. Like the whole world revolves around her.
[20:55] Seri Otter: And if she does go after Tom again
[20:55] Seri Otter: It's more than like
[20:55] Seri Otter: likely*
[20:55] Seri Otter: because he has money.
[20:55] Seri Otter: And then she dares
[20:55] Seri Otter: to say this is all my fault
[20:55] Seri Otter: when she hasn't even made an attempt to reach out to Ome.
[20:55] Seri Otter: When I told both of them I'd throw in flag at any time if they needed to work things out.
[20:55] Seri Otter: Ironic, isn't it?

Leaching off others' pity?
Now there's low strikes, and then there's LOW strikes.
And this one was worse, even for you.

I cannot BELIEVE the nerve you have of saying this when I went out of my way when I already had little money to buy you a game, like I did for Cait and offered to do for Ome, so we could also spend time together having fun.

That /I/ was trying to pay the monthly fee for PSU for Cait so she could play with us until she could pay me back rather than you two just jump ahead onto something else and leave her behind again.

After the plane ticket thing, I've even been REFUSING nearly every gift Ome's tried to make me, other than WoW since it was to play with her, and HAVE been pestering her about paying her for the things.
And EVERY time, she'd say it's fine, or that the art was WELL enough.

Fuck, when I finished Lunther's second comission, my first REAL MONEY, USD-paid comission, he had to nearly stuff the damn 30$ down my throat before I took it because I was being finicky about the pic not being up to par quality-wise when he obviously loved it.


Turning back? To what?

And fuck, of course I think Ome's hurt. I KNOW she's hurt. I knew she would be when I blocked her, but I would of just yelled at her if she started repeating your damn broken "don't run away from your problems" record after I gave her my goodbyes.
If I didn't think she's hurt, I wouldn't bother reading your journal for clues on how she's doing, because ever since the breakup it's like you two fell off the face of the Earth.

Today is the first time I see Ome post anywhere we used to since.
Funny how you kept treating me like an antisocial loner, and yet I'm here posting where I always have, being as open as can be, and knowing this will probably end up in my journal on two other websites.

Though the best of ironies, is that you're calling me a mooch when I've been stubbornly refusing every money offer I've had unless I was dealing with an emergency, and still am refusing help so I can do things on my own, and I even managed to get a job at my backwater middle of nowhere town!
And then watch you, having to keep talking with your current roommate and mooch off his sympathy/pity for having a roof over your head for FREE when I have to pay my parents to live in a room that's barely over the size of the interior of a big van. And now you're moving in with Ome, where you will POSSIBLY get a job, but are not sure. If not you're /again/ going to be getting the free roof. How convenient.


And that's that. Whatever, seeing Ome can stand idly and watch you claim things like this, I know it's over for good.

~






On a MUCH happier note; whoo! I got a new Harddrive. No more being stuck at barely 10gigs left. Now I can afford to make decently big-sized scans to work on ;3

HOPEFULLY we'll see something more on comic development. Hopefully. It's been trotting in my mind a lot.

=+= Tuesday, May 29th. =+=

Got a phonecall from my boss telling me to stay home since the chocolate machine was busted, so I got an extra day off since production is halted, and he already had his kitchen workers to help him with cleaning (since they're paid an hourly wage rather than by contract $/tablet for us wrappers.).

Of course, my family doesn't see this as a random day off, and instead start getting on my case for not working that day. Wtf? It's not like I /chose/ for the machine to break down. Geez. :/ I mean, suuuuuuure, I'm gonna go and sabotage my only source of income. Right, mom.

So instead, Nonna, decides to boss me around all day instead. My apologies to the people I was talking to on MSN during the day who probably noticed I had to keep going AFK all the time because she wanted me to do something. =_= For non-italians reading this, Nonna is basically "grandmother" in italian, and we've taken to calling my mom's parents Nonna and Nonno ("grandfather") out of respect for their roots.

Normally I don't mind at all being helpful with things, but dear god this woman's being exceptionnaly bitchy, which comes off as rude to me considering she's pretty much squatting our house. :/ She's been here for two weeks already, and considering the amount of medication she brought and decided to dump in the back of the fridge, I'd say she's here for another, like, month or so? Ugh.

Also, I'm really getting tired of being bitched at for money. Seriously. I keep getting yelled at for not working 40 hours a week when there is no such thing as 40 hour/week jobs in this godforsaken town, and on top of that they're trying to pass all their bills on me. For the relatively short time I've stayed in apartments, I've gotten used to feeding myself (and my cat) for an entire week on barely 15-20$. Anything more was giving myself a treat. Mom and Nonna managd to spend THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS (300$) on Sunday for ONE week. Yeah sure, 6 people. But dear god. I mean, it's not THAT bad, it means we're eating good, variety and all, but...

...two days later she sends me into town to get 40$ more stuff... for one meal. ONE MEAL. o_O

Good lord she wouldn't eat her damn rice if she didn't have her chicken-flavoured Bovril sauce and fresh ~ /imported/ ~ parmesan. Then she whines that my sister doesn't want to eat green peppers when she eats red peppers. >_>;

...and then I get bitched at for eating everyone's leftovers? Gah. 20 minutes or so after I came back with those 40$ of groceries she sent me to get for that ONE meal, dad comes home with 20-25$ worth of cigarettes and beer. Of course, he does that every two/three days, and NO ONE ELSE touches his beer of cigarettes.

Fuck, is it just me or do these people not know how to manage money when in debt? <_<

=+= Tuesday, May 30th. =+=

Soooo toda I had work. When my alarm clock rang I just slapped the off button and went back to bed. Too much family stress, needed more me/sleep time. Blah.

Got up around 7-ish and didn't really have time to do much. I pretty much just got into a change of clothes and swapped the songs on my MP3 Player for work and broguth myself a minimalistic lunch. The lady carpooling me didn't mind stopping at the gas station on the way, so I picked up a soda inside for the day.

Work was al good. I was working aluminum foil wraps all day, and I think they all got a laugh of me bobbing my head to the music while working.
(they said they did when we got to lunch break anyways)

I'm honestly glad my boss lets me listen to music on the job. Normally we wear earplugs due to the kitchen machines being obnoxiously loud, so it doesn't matter much that I just wear earphones instead, either way we have to tap eachother on the shoulders and unplug our ears to talk (read: yell) for communications sake. XP

Anyways, it's been doing wonders to help me relax. Also helps for production, since I tend to pick up the beat of the music, so I speed up whenever I hit DragonForce. >_>;

Given my boss works part-time as a psych I've been thinking of asking him if it'd be possible to meet him in that context to talk about issues bugging me, but I've been hesitant since, well, it'd honestly be odd seing him out of the workshop.

Blegh. By the time the workday ended I joked about wanting to work some more, didn't feel like going home. They got a laugh out of it, though part of me really meant it. When I actually did get home, first thing I hear isn't "Hi" or "Welcome back" or "How was your day?". Noooo. I get bombarded with things that I should of technically been doing during the day but haven't since I was working. Why gee, thanks, my day was great. ~ /Until now/.

My sister's homework was a pain in the ass again. She just doesn't listen to me, even though I've often sent her back to school the next day with a note to her teacher about her homework, and everytime she brings it back to me with a note from her teacher telling me I'm right. But, eh, she's 8 years old. I figure it's a phase. There's no way the highschool grauate has any idea how 3rd grade fractions work. :/

By the time I got her to listen to me and got her to understand her questions, I was doing the dishes and asked dad/Nonna if they needed help with dinner. 20 seconds later, no answer, dad just asks "why?". Why? Because I want to go to bed early, since I appreciate my /alone/ time in the morning when everyone else is sleeping and leaving me the fuck alone. You know, peace and quiet. I just told him I want to go to bed early, but still no straight answer.

"Dad, /do/ you need help with dinner?"
"Why the fuck are you pushing dinner so much?"
"I'm just asking if you need help so I can know if I can go to bed!"

What does he do then? No, he didn't give me a straight answer. Instead he decides to take a jab at my personal life and decides to insult me on the fact I used to get up early to talk with Ome after her

"Would you just wait and stay up like everyone else instead of waking up in the middle of the night to talk with your lover off in the middle of nowhere."
(yeah, our town is so much more on the map than fucking Vegas.)

"NO dad, if you'd bother listening to me at least once every now and then you'd have heard me TWO DAYS AGO when I told you we broke up. God.
I just asked if you needed help and you have to attack my love life. Jesus man that's a fucking low blow, even for you."

At that point I just left the kitchen and went to bed.

...only to be woken up barely half an hour later because they need help with dinner. =_=

Apparently my brother offered to do it, and Nonna SPECIFICALLY said I had to help /because I don't work enough/. WHAT?!
I have a job, I work the hours they give me.
I clean the house, I do the dishes for them, I pay part of their fucking bills, I pay for the room I'm staying in, I do all their damn errands in town and I DON'T WORK ENOUGH?!

Bloody hell. What does my brother do? He comes home from school, jumps on BattleField2 online on his PS2, hogs the phoneline to talk with his friends (read: squad) and does his homework at the last minute, AKA 2am in the morning. And hell, I'm grateful that he even offered to do it, but no. It /had/ to be me.

After dinner I did the dishes /again/. Cleaned up the counter for them. Put everything away.

Not a single "Thank you". Nothing. Nada. Nein.
I went back to bed.

I wake up barely 2 hours later at 9-ish because they're shuffling all furniture upstairs for some reason (right above my room) and I could hear mom yelling again, though I'm not sure on what honestly. o.O
I didn't bother checking what the heck was going on, and just stuck a pillow over my head in hopes of not hearing them as much.

2 hours later again I wake up because my brother waltzes into my room and starts making a blasted racket looking for something on the internet on /my computer/, yammering on the phone with one of his school friends / BF2 teammates.
What the hell? What happened to common sense/courtesy?
/I was trying to sleep!/
Not on the living room couch. Not in his room. In ~ /MY/ ~ room.

Been up since then, couldn't sleep anymore.
Ugh at this point I'm just staying up. I'll grab a can of Monster for work tomorrow/later. =_=;;



And yeah, on a side note, I broke off from the relationship. My relationship used to be my anchor in life and for a while it was something else I could look forward to other than videogames to take my mind off my problems when I'd get home and have to deal with the same shit over and over again with family.

Granted people change over time, and I couldn't for sure say I've changed for better or worse, but all I know is that I don't get the same feeling of security I used to with Ome. Either way it doesn't matter. By the time Saeri got with us, Ome and I had grown distant, probably because I stopped confiding in her since I didn't want to burden her with my own problems anymore, and apparently she was biting the bullet all along trying to not burden me with things that bothered her. In the month or so Sae's been with us, I've seen Ome happier than she's been with me for a long time, and the two of them connected in the way I used to connect to Ome before we grew distant.

For all the times Ome's made sacrifices to make me happy, I'm doing the same for her now, with something else than just sporadic art. I broke off and let them be a couple together. They intended to move in together soon, so as far as I know, together they'll get the /in person/ relationship I could never offer to Ome. (or at least, not before quite a few years due to being stuck up here for transitory issues.)

I honestly feel no remorse or regrets for my decision on the matter. Things had gotten pretty bad by the time I decided to end it, and getting home dealing with my family bitching over my sleep schedule and generally being a pain in the ass, the last thing I needed (or Ome either for that matter) is arguing and more problems among lovers.

Sad to say I left her on a bad note and blocked her when I did because I was expecting what she emailed me later, (half guilt trip, half trying to tell me how I should act).

I've already unblocked her for 2 or 3 days now, but she's never spoken to me. As far as I know either she's A) mad at me, which I wouldn't hold against her, B) blocked me (I wouldn't think so since I still see her online) or...
C) maybe I really wasn't that much of a lover, and not worth trying to pursue. My logic could be flawed, but I figured if I really was any good as a friend/lover, she would have tried to get in contact again since.

Ah well. At this point I figure it doesn't matter anymore. I just hope she's happy with Saeri.

Someone pointed out that at this point I could just pick things up with Cait and/or Tom again, but even though I'm still really close to them, I rather just wait and not make things official until I've gotten a little more stability in my life.

You know, just one week of not having to worry about relationship drama or work or bills or family being assholes or whatever would really hit the spot.

But I doubt that's going to happen soon, so I might as well make good use of the next... 6 hours I have before my next workshift. Speaking of which, I might get to start working in the kitchens tomorrow depending on how many people can show up. ~ ^^

~

"Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me
Hurry I'm fallin'

And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth savin' me."

Though not quite starting on a good note.

Blegh, mom's pulling a shit fit again. God I'm getting tired of these. =_='

Lately I've started working at a chocolate workshop on the outskirts of town, and although I'm working on contract (0.025$ per wrapped/boxed/bagged tablet, every step being a pay increment) rather than an hourly wage, I've been liking the job a lot. I'd been sending resume's all over town to all the greenhouses and shops and everything except the morgue so far, and /no one/ was hiring me, even though a lot of places had "URGENT HELP NEEDED" signs up.

This place? Naaaah. The boss greets me on the day I show up, he offers me a test day while I'm there, and hired me on the spot after seeing what I could do rather than just try judging me off whatever criteria all the other places seem to be on.

But yeah, so, this morning one of the greenhouses finally calls back.
The conversation was pretty short, I told him I had already found a job since, but I asked for the hourly wage and work conditions to compare.
Concluded that I'm better off keeping my job.

I had the choice of working a job in a cool environment (18C), sitting, with a flexible schedule, an understanding boss, carpool and a tuesday-saturday schedule or a job that pays about 50 cents more per hour, but be stuck on a mandatory mon-fri schedule in a hot (25-30C) environment with no ride and no flexible schedule, standing up all day (and walking around all the time).

Considering I still have specialist appointments to get to every now and then, I won't have a choice but to take some days off, and every other job I've had except my current job always bitched about it. :/

Oh well. Not my problem. If she likes that greenhouse job so much, she can go and take it herself. They're closing in two months; then what am I supposed to do, be jobless for another 5 months? Bleh.

On another family-oriented note, I'm really starting to get tired of their constant bullshit. I already pay their Internet, TV and phone bills, and I've been lending them money left and right for gas, and soon I need to start giving mom money for a stupid loan she took. =_=
Not to mention I'm already cleaning the house for them every few days, taking care of the animals, and my siblings as well.

And what do I cost them? Ur, lessee. I spend 99.9% of my home time in the same room (which I even pay monthly for), I just toss my clothes in the same wash as them and I eat their tablescraps. My meals for a week cost less than a week's worth of my sister's stupid yogourt tubes, which she only eats because she can't stand fruit chunks in regular yogourt pots. Of course, she's eight, and because of that, mom goes out and buys an ENTIRELY different set of groceries for meals JUST for her because she doesn't want to deal with teaching her to be less finicky about meals. =_=

Of course, my folks don't thank me /AT ALL/ for showing them how to use Bittorrent to watch movies for free (nearly free, it's just part of the internet download bill, which is still cheaper). Noooo. I've found a way for them to get around their monthly 75+$ movie rentals and all they do is whine and bitch more about me being a moneysink when I pay for almost everything I use. :/
Oh yeah, my ONE lamp and the computer are such an electric bill, it's CWAZEH. It certainly can't be because they use the dishwasher all the time and I hand-wash everything. No, not a chance. It couldn't be. Or all the lights my sister keeps leaving on in the house all day long for no reason.

Gawd, mom even makes me pay for a stupid cellphone that doesn't even pick up signal out here. How plain dumb is that?


I'm seriously starting to think about moving out again. But this time I know I can't do it alone. I just don't have enough in me to survive gong through working 6 days a week and paying everything on my own.
I might call the social worker at one of the clinics I frequent. I might be able to get her to help me or support groups that can help point me in the right direction.
I /know/ there's a few apartment buildings in Montreal made sepcifically for MtFs in difficulty, if I could just find a way to get into one I could probably get things going for myself again.

Eh, but for now it's mostly theoretics. I need to dig up more info first.

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8 ) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.





...j'en ai l'eau aux yeux de rire à croire qu'il y en aille qui prenne vraiment ça au sérieux! *MDR*

(Stolen from someone who stole it from someone and so on so forth. XO)

[x] I have walked into a glass/screen door.

[x] I have tripped on my shoelace and fallen on my face.

[x] I have choked on my own spit.

[ ] I've seen the Matrix a bunch of times and still don't get it.

[ ] I type only with my pointer fingers.

[x] I have accidently caught something on fire.

[ ] I've told a cop to freck off and gotten screwed for it.

[x] I've attempted to sip out of a straw but it accidently went into my nose, rather than my mouth.

[x] Sometimes when I think of something funny, I laugh out loud and people look at me weird.

[x] I've caught myself drooling.

[x] I've accidently caused an explosion.

[ ] If someone says the word "fart", I can't help but laugh.

[ ] I've turned into a "do not enter" one way road plenty of times.

[x] Sometimes I just stop thinking & zone out.

[x] It is POSSIBLE to lick your elbow.

[x] I just tried to lick my elbow.

[ ] People often shake their heads and walk away from me.

[x] People often tell me to use my "inside voice".

[ ] Gum has fallen out of my mouth while talking.

[x] I've used my fingers to do simple math.

[ ] I've jumped off a moving vehicle.

[x] I ate a bug for $5 or less.

[x] I'm taking this test when I should be doing something more important

[ ] I repost chain letters because I'm scared of what they threaten will happen if I don't.

[ ] I've done something really stupid while I was drunk.

[ ] I've ran around naked when I was drunk.

[ ] I've ran into a golfcart tire when I was drunk.

[x] I've searched all over the place for something, and then realized it was in my hand the whole time.

[x] I accidently break a lot of things.

[ ] My friends know not to use big words around me.

[x] My friends like me because I'm fun to laugh at.

[x] I move my head to the side when I'm confused.

[x] Sometimes I start telling a story and suddenly forget what I'm talking about.

[x] I've fallen out of my chair before.

[x] When I'm laying in bed, I sometimes stare at the ceiling and try to find pictures and words in the texture.

Multiply your score by four.

Result :
88% stupid.
True cartoon artist material. A-yup.
XD

Nu, I'm still alive everyone.
...however possible that may be.


So people probably noticed the lack of update in my spotless posting of next-to-diddlysquat every once a blue moon.

I'm saddened to say, I'm faced with block once again.
Everytime I think I'm finally back on the art scene, standing tall, I get bricked by a passerby wearing an "Irony of Life" nametag and fall back down in a fountain of self-pity and misery. And art block, but you probably guessed that on your own.

Lately, life's been all sorts of crappy.
I mean, I'm still smiling. But that's not even important, because I'm the kind of person who has a face pre-programmed to smile, I had to force my cheeks to stop smiling at furnerals. But yeah, on the inside, it's all going down the giant toilet bowl of emotions. I keep busy with videogames in a tentative effort to forget about my problems, even if temporary, but they seem to hit me right back in the face again.
...but there's nothing I can do.

Even now that everyone's going back to school, I STILL can't seem to get a job in town, and my parents are doing double duty on purposely trying to give me a guilt trip so I'll crack and grab the pamphlets in the sake of attending some completely randomly chosen college course just for getting the damn paper.
It's a waste of time, money and efforts if you ask me. Lack of interest means I'd sleep through the courses, so it's an idea that's bound to fail before it even starts.

Drawing-wise, my last attempt at doing art is currently sleeping with my gastric acids. That's right, I ATE the damn thing. Hated the result, and decided to give it a grave where nobody could find it. Meh, it's the only thing I ate in the morning anyways, what with how things are lately. I just can't be bothered with things anymore.

Depression's taken it's toll on me... on my mind, my feelings, my hygiene and habits. I rely on the good old microwave as my ever-cooker-upper or just plain eat stuff raw, have to be reminded to wash, and usually sleep when I just collapse from exhaustion. I know it's an unhealthy way of life, and I'm hating myself for iot, but when I try to get up and do something about it, I just break down all over again. So tired... yet, I can't sleep. I used to stay up so I could get more done and not waste my time laying around "sleeping". Nowadays, I just get yelled at for oversleeping, which usually wakes me up from dreams where I see myself with Ome and Caitlin, where I can be happy, and where's I'm actually "Me" and not just this fake existance I have to keep up.

I want to wave the white flag and surrender. If it'll make things stop, and let me pick myself up... I really would sound the chimes of defeat. I've already lost the only talent I had, I can't call this place I reside in "Home" anymore... it's a prison, more than anything.
All I have left are my loves, and now the national borders stand between me and them.

What does life want from me so bad that it needs to keep me down so much? Why do I need to suffer so much, when there's nothing else left to take from me?

I live in my fantasies because reality rejected me, alienated from my own body, incapable of doing anything the way people want to call "right".

Left in my prison shell, bearing a repressed talent and burdened with a broken mind, I listen to the sound of song in the sake of comfort, trying to hold on for the only people who dare care for me.

"Heaven�s gates won�t open up for me
With these broken wings I�m fallin�
And all I see is you
These city walls ain�t got no love for me
I�m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I�m callin�
And all I need from you
Hurry I�m fallin�

Show me what it�s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I�ll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I�ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it�s worth saving me"

Oh yeah.
Half a year of drawing almsot squat is just too much. Yesterday night I put on some music, then later on plugged in headphones to keep blasting without waking up the folks and doodled ALL NIGHT LOOONG. It was hard, it was full of erasing, but the seeds are sprouting!

I've uploaded my doodle pages for y'all's viewing pleasures, hopefully you'll like them. ^^

Still working on unblocking completely, but I'm on a roll and heading in the right direction apparently. :D