I shout into the abyss, again

Will you forgive me if I actually do it?

fomo but actually... mo

---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jzG3UsvkhI
upusen - flower club

I've always had the fight in me, otherwise I would've ducked out from the internet (&life) decades ago. Thanks for being supportive, even if it's very little. You folks are reminding me that I have the capacity to be beautiful and the ability to create that which reflects my soul. Even if it's something as simple as clicking the +Fav button.

My life is markedly on the uptick, things can only get better from here. I'm serious. It's different this time.


Melodrama posting ahead:

I have been fighting a metaphorical battle in the shadows for so very... very... long.
Being alone for as much as I can remember, a scary thought, for some days I recall nothing.
No one by my side while I lifted this heavy sword,
It's to be expected, and I don't blame them you can't expect Artisans to make good battle buddies;
let alone fight your incorporeal enemies, weighed down by their own conflicts, what do you have to offer?
Most of the ghosts have been banished and finally there is control over the battlefield;
even if the reflection in the mirror is unrecognizable and fills me with sadness only a missing person could,
Can we finally start growing from the ashes? Or is there too much salt from the tears? ... I understand.
The weary Phoenix finds itself able to spread her wings again.

---

Vibe
Andrew Bayer - Magitek
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-bQRGaB-bk

look man, it's been 5 heartbreaks (of various forms) ever since I was last really active online. Maybe I'll be stronger this time. Atleast my back and neck pain is improving. Wrists have healed (but still are kinda weak) finally.

And like, motivation is a huge factor because I'm not really struggling. There's no urgency. I feel like that's the true test.

oh well

---

Dustkey, Basil MC - Silence In My Thoughts

I do have things to post but I do not believe the timing is appropriate

It's getting better. Marginally. I'm on a 3 week physical break then I'm going to hit it again. It's all just so terribly expensive though. Oh well, spare nothing for health

You guys ever feel like your style is just incredibly inconsistent? Like I understand that there is a range, and the different styles in that range can be developed, but some days you just look at your cat character and you just go, "that's not a sphynx cat, that's a fucking chihuaha" wtf?

oh well, it's a good thing to worry about, instead of being stuck in that stereotype where all my animals look like dogs lol

so i don't talk much about my health, only about mental stuff going on and pertaining to my work but nothing about physical. hmm here it is, welp it's fucked, fucked very badly, but finally after 20 years of suffering things are looking marginally better,

i mean, who's up for some intense physical therapy? hooray

i don't post much because i've built it up to the point where everything has to be a internet shockwave inducing post, atleast that's how it feels like sometimes. Been watching this buddy's "shitpost" artstyle and i'm kinda jealous how they can create and post that stuff quickly. it's not about having no shame it's just about having a sorta carefree-ness about it again. Literally have no need or want for magic numbers to go up anymore, (been that for a while) no need for muns ( but want and always can have more - winky face ) so its like why even bother with commissioners anymore or even patreon unless it's out of kindness of them or mega bucks territory.

its hard too because it isn't really too much about not having motivation but more about my health. literally made it but eyes constantly burn and constantly exhausted. Sleep is no good never will be good ever again. very very demoralizing it is, cuz focusing on lines and colors and gradients and subtle hue shifts is very eye intensive. Maybe should just go with a quality "drop" or a shift to a "messier" artsier style...

i still believe that my mind (its not very special nor different from others, its just the hands can produce it) can make stories and situations and environments that would be appealing for a lot of people, also considering my unique background... people would like it a lot. Just feel shitty and scummy that its been so long and still nothing.

yeah yeah i've been practicing trying to stay sharp, but should make a serious push to get back on the horse i guess...

I'm really not narcissist enough to consider myself "this" but the quote is very true. Something i gotta get over probably...

"Celebrity is a mask that eats into the face. As soon as one is aware of being somebody, to be watched and listened to with extra interest, input ceases, and the performer goes blind and deaf in his overanimation." 1998#hsihpepod . its just funny being one that was always pushed into the corner, to want to be noticed and then to finally get that notice. kinda like a fear of success, fear of criticism, fear of all of those things.

It's not that it can't be taken, i went to art school for god's sake, having 30 pair of eyes on me and my work and discussing it with peers... It's just that over-rumination into paralysis thats the killer...

.... MEH. tick-tock

So a big anxiety is gone now. Where to lay my head.

I now have stable housing.

I'm still settling in now but eventually i'll get back in the swing of things and hopefully i can make some stuff happen. Fingers crossed!

I cannot draw if I am wracked with anxiety.
Being worried where you will place your head at night tends to do that.

Right now a big chapter of my life is closing and a new one is starting.

Once it happens this type of anxiety will go away, and I will be allowed to flourish again.

I am not going to switch accounts again. The dopephish persona and her world needs to be shown to people. Originally this was going to be just a porn account to raise funds,
but I am glad that I will soon be capable of doing more with it.

https://discord.gg/baMWUYJ

---

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oq-L77oWOls

Pretty much everyday I draw, it is all I do sometimes. It's become a game where I figure out if I have reached a plateau and try to push forward past it. There's quite a bit of personal projects indirectly related to art that are being worked on also. Considering when my back or shoulders /neck gives out I'm laid up for a couple of days, but atleast I can do some drawing during that time. My main focus is not coloring or making pictures pretty, but developing my skills when it comes to piecing together a coherent scene with multiple characters and tasteful use of perspective. I've spent the past 4 months working on that and finally I see some progress, but it's just all sketches and it's hard to get people excited for those. But you know, I want to be more of an artist than somebody that can do pinups only. Oh well, I'll submit them anyways since my bar of standard for posting on this account is too insanely high.

Submitted some miyu x fox roughs for the new comic to my twitter Dope_Phish

The original comic rough was completed eons ago, but was scrapped in favor of a brighter tone shift. Also my art is never good enough, but at some point I just have to cut my losses and actually start producing. Otherwise I'll never have any content for people to enjoy.

so 2020 was kinda my mental health year

lots of things were going on but at the same time nothing was

had to leave an abusive relationship, almost became homeless, and ran out of funds
with no light at the end of the tunnel, things were starting to get really bad
those of you who live in abject poverty will understand, you literally have 0 resources to do anything

I am in a better place now and am self sufficient again, however i have a lot of old injuries that keep me from doing much too soon, too quickly. So this year was mainly focused on my physical and mental health, you guess you could say emotional health too, since anyone who has been in an abusive relationship knows, that sort of thing "sticks" and leaves some nasty scarring...

Things are better now, there is no need to worry, but for anybody that still follows me (dead page asf lol, I am truly sorry) I want to get back on the horse again. It's not a promise because I'm still on the road to recovery, but atleast it's something.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wae0s5lNU-Y

as it flagellates itself

---

I look up to you, please don't do this to yourself

---

<3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XreMtQz6HkY

Romantic Cali Decadence

...

why are headaches and migraines a thing? Seriously cut it out. just stop...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K57dVZ4oHtQ

For a limited time only, here's a chance to get unto the ground floor of this!

You have an opportunity to meme at me, talk about what's on your mind, or talk to me if you want to suggest art, talk about fandom things, or try to influence my work somehow.
I can give you art pointers or maybe a red line if you're so inclined.

If you're shy, just join anyways and hang out! No need to feel pressured to impress anyone.

https://discord.gg/baMWUYJ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2Y_DUAxob0

New year same goals same ambitions new heights to achieve

the flowing of time waits for no one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk8n7EjWwfc

We must all constantly try to get to the next level

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E08htqwIwgA

relevant.

---

I am still very busy in my studies

I love and appreciate all the support you fine folks have been giving me these past couple of months, but the time has come for a small disclosure, of sorts...

These past couple of months have been ridiculous to deal with vs trying to get artwork out at a steady pace. Not only did my living situation change, but there was a... battle... for lack of any other terms, that I had to deal with. ( I won btw ) Given that caused me a considerable amount of anxiety until it was resolved, however, a living arrangement was finalized, and these past couple of months were spent creating a portfolio for art school.

That's right, my efforts to revive this account are a failure because the living situation changed so drastically and work needed to be presented to the school. I got in btw, with a scholarship. I know anybody that is watching a favorite artist of theirs will hate to hear this, but I will be extremely busy and I don't know if I can promise more works. I feel really guilty about it, but the only thing I can do at this point is to do my best. Ultimately this will make me a better artist and eventually the works will return, albeit with a more, collegiate flair to them.

Thanks, for this.

I'm hanging in there, but barely.

Life is turbulent, no other way to describe it. At the very least I'm working to commit something once a week...


*edit*~~~~

It's been a couple weeks and I feel terrible not submitting, however life has turned the difficulty up to 11. Please understand. Everything needs to be sorted out first before any more submissions can be made. At least I've still been practicing in the meantime. I offer these submissions, it should show that I do care enough to go back to old pieces to touch them up, and learn more from them and what could be done better.

Thanks for sticking with me, there may be some yuge yuge yuge good news within a couple months =)

So, I've been stalling. For good reason! I can go down the laundry list of usual artist's issues but we'll just shelve those overused tropes for now.

I've been working on this
http://i.imgur.com/XClykgT.png

It's an incomplete cover and back cover for a lewd comic. I'm ready to ink the first 3 pages, and I need to finish drafting the last 3 (ish) pages. Otherwise, work has been steady.

Have a good week!

EDIT : I submitted a teaser to scraps

View it here
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/22402064/

Be on the lookout!

Commissions are opening sometime this month