I really need to get around to uploading my commissions to FA...

I'm gonna try and do that soon.

More people are fleeing to Blooski from Twitter so here's a reminder of mine.

dorje.stego.dad

:3

dorje.stego.dad

:3

Yep it's time to jump ship I think.

Is there anyone I could lean on for an invite to a mastodon instance like yiff.life please?

Pretty please?

So, a name came into my awareness that I'd not heard in some time today. And while the context of why that happened is beyond the scope of what I'm writing here, it did make me decide to go and check out the website and take a look. It didn't take me long before I found a piece of content that I actually found positively disturbing in its implications. It is poor advice, dangerous, even.

It highlights a total lack of awareness of child safeguarding, lack of knowledge of psychology, lack of ethical consideration for the advice given, and lack of consideration for the real-world consequences someone might experience from following the advice.

It is this: https://www.askpapabear.com/letters.....ts-in-mistrust

Before I do that, I should mention that I have work history (many moons ago now) in youth support services, including talking therapies with (mostly) adolescents who came to the awareness of youth-related charities and social services in the area, primarily as a means of triage for priority and onward referral to more specialised services. This will inform my view of what I discuss below.

The writer discusses that they are a furry artist, and drawing on their computer. They have realised their father has been snooping behind their back on what they are doing on the computer, to ensure they aren't playing games, etc. etc. The writer further discusses that they are fearful that their father may disown (or at least punish) them if the father discovers they are a furry. Reading between the lines, it isn't difficult to see that they may, in fact, be communicating that they are fearful their father may disown/punish them for being queer. The writer then discusses that they are worried that if they try to assert a boundary and ask their father to not look through their art, that it might make their father suspicious.

The writer finishes by disclosing that they are 14 years old.

The analysis

Now, I won't do a comprehensive breakdown of Papabear's response. It is available in the link above. My point in doing the above summary of the writer's letter was to catch your eye with the potential sensitivity of the situation, with regards to the writer. I will, however, analyse and criticise several aspects of Papabear's response below.

Total lack of emphasis on writer's safety

So, to start off with, a bit of personal background. I grew up in a household where it was not safe to be gay, or any kind of queer for that matter, or furry, or whatever. The living situation I was in with my family was precarious with regards to safety to say the least. I had my parents snooping on my computer at times. They didn't catch the stuff I was up to on it, because I was smarter than them. The fear of my computer/internet activity being discovered was always a fear, though. The consequences of being discovered could have been grave.

The writer in this letter communicates this to be a fear. This is outright and offhand dismissed by Papabear who essentially just says "That'd be stupid". I hate to break it to you all, but parents can be incredibly stupid. And abusive. If you are soliciting this kind of communication, where people - including minors, many of whom will be queer - are seeking your advice and shrug off the fear of disownment by just saying "Well that'd be stupid", you are being reckless, and irresponsible. There is little more I can say about it than that, other than it is a total neglect of the duty of care you take upon yourself when you choose to solicit these kinds of communications and respond to them with advice.

Emphasis on open communication

Papabear spends much of the time in the response - indeed the title - emphasising open communication. This is all well and good in a relationship that is conducive to it. The letter indicates the writer is fearful of punishment or even disownment. The letter indicates a parent snooping on their adolescent's computer use in a way I'd perceive as a boundary issue (I'll get onto that in more detail below). These are indicators of an emotionally fearful parental relationship, potentially even abusive. Again there is a clear lack of background in psychology exhibited in the response and comes across as frankly tone-bloody-deaf to make this the point of emphasis in the response. It totally fails to address the reality of the power dynamic of the parental relationship where the adolescent is fearful of reprisal from the parent. It totally fails to acknowledge that it is natural for an adolescent to start to develop a need for privacy in some areas of their life. Which brings me on to the next point...

Papabear has a total lack of understanding that adolescents are entitled to privacy and boundaries

Papabear writes:

"Now, your dad has a perfect right to monitor your computer behavior, but he did so by sneaking behind your back to do it. At the same time, you were hiding what you were drawing regarding furry stuff."

Now this might shock some people to suggest, but an adolescent is not parental chattel. It is natural for an adolescent to start to need increasing boundaries and privacy, and frankly they are entitled to it. It is essential for an adolescent's individuation process for them to be able to do so. Going behind the writer's back to snoop on computer use activity is a breach of trust on part of the parent, and a breach of boundaries. This should, really, probably be the main thrust of the response, alongside the safety issue discussed above.

A parent who is creating a fearful environment for their adolescent child to the point they fear disownment, and not understanding that an adolescent has an increasing need (and entitlement) to privacy, is not one toward whom the advice should simply be that you should be open with. It is, at best, not conducive to the development and learning of healthy and reasonable boundaries in adulthood.

Papabear writes:

"Remember, your dad loves you and wants to protect you. If he didn't, he wouldn't care what you did on the computer."

Or it can be indicative of an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship where the development of normal and reasonable boundaries in an adolescent is not permitted.

The unknowns

I've made reference to things above at multiple points to what we don't really know. We don't really know if the adolescent is really coding that they're afraid of being disowned for being queer. We don't really know if there's an abusive and controlling parental relationship going on here. We don't really know if the writer's fears of being disowned or punished are warranted. And from a single paragraph letter there's no way we can know - though we can certainly read certain things as suspect between the lines. It is impossible to properly understand the context of the writer's situation, their needs, and so on from a letter like this.

This, frankly, is precisely what makes it irresponsible to give this kind of response to a letter like this. It may be well intentioned, but we know the saying about where those lead to. It is fundamentally at the core of why agony aunt (or uncle?) type columns and writing are a litany of bad advice - sometimes even dangerous. The amount of context and information needed to properly understand what's going on here and the advice - or even action/intervention needed - is something that can only be understood from possibly several hours of counselling by someone trained and qualified to do so, and that includes child safeguarding training.

But there is one thing I know and can tell you now. When a child or adolescent states they fear disownment, it should always be taken very seriously on face value.

Note this only works semi-well with GPT-4 and still struggles at times to update the graphical representation of the board correctly.

=======================================

Let's play chess. Represent a chess board graphically using characters for each move (using letters such as "r" for rook and "p" for pawn), and keep track of each move using algebraic chess notation and a graphical character representation. The graphical representation of the chessboard should have letter and number notations for each axis for ease of reading the board. Do this for each player's moves after each response from the human player, including showing the updated board after each player's move.

You shall enforce the rules of chess and correct the human player when a move is illegal and explain why. You shall tell the human player with each move whether their move is legal or not, even when it is legal.

It will be your responsibility to keep track of each player's moves and update them on the board after both your own and the human player's stated move.

If a piece is taken during a move, you will say what piece was taken and by which player.

If a player is in check or checkmate, you will say which player is in check or checkmate and from which piece(s).

Once a player is in checkmate, or there is a stalemate, you will announce the result of the game and play back the algebraic notation for each move of the game.

Toss a coin to decide whether you or I, the human player, shall play white. You shall ask me whether I want heads or tails to play white.

So, obviously Brexit happened. That's just in the past now. Some of the consequences were inevitable. Some are totally optional and just dumb that we're subject to them. I'm going to discuss one of the optional consequences that most people aren't aware of.

So in the UK I'm a licenced UAV (unmanned aerial vehicle) pilot under A1/A3 and A2 open subcategories, as well as having a Specific Category licence for recreational flying. The Open Category and its subcategories, as well as the Specific Category and Certified Category are all inherited regulations for unmanned aviation from the EU which we still have, though we've introduced some minor adjustments to them for flying in the EU - like not requiring a UAV pilot licence to fly a drone under 250g (which I think is a mistake). In the EU (as well as Switzerland and Norway), all member states are members of EASA, the European Union Aviation Safety Agency, and so having a drone pilots' licence in one member state is a licence to fly a drone in any member state.

When the UK left the EU we also left EASA which meant we no longer have the same airspace access when operating in the EU. However, EASA has a provision for third countries to apply for recognition of their regulations as compatible with EASA and so UAV licences from that country would be valid in the EU. The UK's regulations are essentially compatible, but EASA has said the UK hasn't even bothered applying.

So where does this leave me? Well, I had to go and take the same test in an EU member state (thanks Ireland for making it easy to do it in English) and get my EU licence. It was literally the same test as the UK one in the content being examined on. However, this is only for the A1/A3 Open subcategories. I will have to pay more to obtain my A2 licence in the EU - and probably attend in-person training for it as well. I will also have to see down the line whether I can get an equivalent Specific Category licence for the EU. This is all quite expensive as the operator registration was 30 euros and another 30 euros for the pilot licence - and this is just for the most basic licence - A1/A3.

Still not heard of any plans for our government to apply to EASA for recognition of our licences though.

Well here we go again. The shit hath been shaken and this week's furry drama spinner has been landed on pup hood discourse thanks to Barq.

The new platform is replacing Howlr as a furry social networking and dating app. And within a couple of days of its public launch, it's already managed to stir controversy and re-ignite one of those discourses that always manages to keep cropping its head in the fandom every few months. So I'm just gonna leave my answers to some of the main talking points that always seem to come up like clockwork.

1: Pup hoods are kink paraphernalia and therefore inherently sexual
It is true that pup hoods and other gear originate in a kink scene and are thus associated with kink. However, this is a massive oversimplification of their alleged status as sex objects. There is nothing overtly sexual about the hood itself; if you don't know it's kink gear it will have no connotation with sex at all. There is nothing phallic about them, for example. Their sexual connotation is purely cultural, and thus, far removed from being inherently sexual. Many people who wear them don't actually partake in any sexual activity with them, or use them outside of sexual contexts routinely. Does your fursona or OC become inherently sexual when you've commissioned sexual art of them? Does your body become inherently sexual when you've used it for sex?

For the sake of argument I'll go along for a moment with the argument that they do inherently have sexual connotations. I say connotations because as discussed above, because of their lack of anything overtly sexual in the design itself, like a phallus, they could only ever be argued to have those connotations. From this standpoint, I say, so what? Things with sexual connotations are ubiquitous in public life, so long as they conform to traditional heterosexuality. There is a double standard where it comes to expressions of kink or queer sexuality. The last people that should be furthering this double standard are queer people.

2: I didn't consent to seeing pup hoods
This is a point I've seen crop up numerous times. It is an absurd point. As discussed above, there is nothing inherently sexual about them. At most they can be said to have sexual connotations which stem purely from a cultural association, so it isn't a question of whether you might or might not have consented to being in a room with someone swinging a massive strap-on around in everyone's faces. There is not, and never has been, a right of consent, or withholding of consent, to what another person wears. You do not have a veto on others' self-expression by your granting or withholding of consent.

3: BDSM is triggering to me
I do actually sympathise with this point to an extent. There are many things people may come across in life which can be triggering to them. I absolutely believe it can be (and often is) appropriate to give content/trigger warnings on certain types of topics so people can make an informed decision as to what they view or consume. I recognise that BDSM can be triggering to people due to things like a history of abuse or trauma. However, I do also believe there is a limitation to the reasonableness of this. The wearing of a pup hood is not the same as an in-depth playing out of a BDSM scene in a public space, it is an act of self-expression. At this point there is also a need for the person claiming this to manage their own emotional needs and trauma that does not lie on others to manage it for them. I, personally, find dolls of many types, triggering; I have a legitimate phobia of dolls. I have been in public situations at furmeets and conventions in the past where I have had to distance myself from a situation because this phobia was being triggered by what someone had. This was on me to do, not the other person. It would have been absolutely inappropriate for me to demand they remove their doll from a public space because I have a phobia. My phobia did not and does not override that person's right to express themselves. It is as simple as that.

Hi all.

I've been procrastinating posting this for quite some time now, as revisiting this whole saga is still somewhat traumatic. But I wanted to get this done before the end of the year to hold ourselves accountable for how we used the money donated.

For those reading this who are unaware of what happened, back in February 2020 myself and my husband  skawinski were repeatedly harassed and assaulted by a drug dealing gang that moved into the apartment estate we lived on, in the immediate vicinity of our home. It was of an explicitly homophobic nature. Despite repeated reports to the police about the incidents (which were recorded as hate crimes), none of them were arrested while we were there over this. The last night we stayed at the apartment, they were ringing our intercom and making it known that they could get into the building and were outside our apartment door. We essentially had to flee and sofa surf with colleagues and friends until we found a new place to live; we were statutorily homeless, meaning that though on paper we had somewhere we could live in, we were at imminent risk of violence if we did so. Our landlord was trying to hold us to pay off our remainder of the lease fixed term despite the situation which was, as far as he was concerned, not his problem.

We started a donation drive through justgiving to raise the funds to meet this and costs of moving, and we were overwhelmed by the support we received. However:

1) We were able to negotiate our way out of paying most of the remainder of the lease.
2) We were ultimately able to meet most of the expenses of relocating ourselves without excessive financial burden.

I want to take a moment again to thank everyone who donated to this, no matter how large or small. Even though in financial terms we were able to get through this period without digging deep into what we received, it was a very material form of support which emotionally, for both of us, lifted our spirits during a very challenging time. It also meant, knowing what had just landed in my bank account, that while negotiating with our old landlord, when we met our current landlord I could look him in the eye, be up front about the situation (he's going to check for referencing with the old one anyway), and tell him that while we're negotiating the terms of end of tenancy we can meet the full costs of leaving early if it came down to it. Being able to do this was in itself critical to being able to resolve the situation quickly.

That said, I would find it uncomfortable, knowing we had most of the donated cash to spare at the end of the day, to not be up front about what we used it for. On the justgiving page I said that any spare money would be donated to LGBT charities, and what's what we did. We decided we would split the remainder of the donated money equally between ourselves and select charity(ies) for us to donate our halves to.

 Skawinski chose two Polish LGBT charities. You might be aware that the situation for LGBT people in Poland is dire right now and the government is creating a hostile environment for LGBT people. The two charities he chose can be found here and here.

Details of the donation itself can be found here.

For my half, I donated the entirety of it to AKT, which is a British charity that deals with homeless LGBT youth and LGBT youth at risk of homelessnes. For me, personally, it felt the most fitting considering the nature of what we'd been through ourselves. Please see their site here: here.

Details of the donation are here.

Please look at these charities and consider donating to them yourselves, they're all for very worthy causes.

And thank you again to everyone who supported us getting through that mess.

My grandmother was diagnosed with COVID-19 on the 2nd April with a positive test from a swab. Her condition seemed relatively mild to begin with.

Yesterday she sadly passed after declining rapidly over the last couple of days. I was close to her, she was one of two members of my family present when I got married. The circumstances have been particularly difficult with not being able to say goodbye, etc.

I might be a bit quiet for a while, while I process all of this.

I got a Prince Albert a few weeks back, lolz.

It's been healing well and it is funnnnnnn.

The good news I have to share is that next Monday, 4th November, I'm going to have a civil partnership ceremony with my other half,  Skawinski. We're going to have a few close friends and family invited to the ceremony, including  tarkndark and  avon as our legal witnesses. I'm looking forward to having this ceremony with said close friends and family and finally having that piece of paper that legally recognises our relationship.

However, upcoming events like this are always a catalyst for things like family drama of course.

In this case, my mother heard through the grapevine that this was going ahead. She is not invited, and I consider myself estranged from her. For a variety of reasons, it is currently my choice to maintain that estrangement. But she has been trying to work her way into being invited to the ceremony, which I am resisting. All of those in attendance are understanding of the situation and are aware of the background. Even her arising in my life in the periphery in a way that I can somewhat control has caused me to spend days reliving painful memories from my past (which she has done nothing to take responsibility for, or to reconcile), and for my anxiety to shoot through the roof. So when today a nurse takes my blood pressure and shows serious concerns about how high it is all of a sudden... Yeah I think I know what the source of it is.

I am still worried about what else could kick off between now and then, especially as my sister is invited and is having to go on the down-low as she still lives with dearest mother. And the things she has done in the past, and which I know she is capable of, make me very concerned about my sister's wellbeing, both about this and generally.

My family is a clusterfuck. And my mother being the centre of gravity for it turns the whole thing to poison. I just hope the next week goes to plan without major incident.

My previous fursona character was recently stolen including a lot of my identity by someone trying to pass themselves off as me. Some of what came to light was genuinely a little creepy. Go check out the story here:

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9253779/

I've gained a fair few new watchers after my recent commission posts, and I don't usually leave shouts on everyone's profiles but I wanted to give you all a big thank you on here for watching! <3

By the way if you want to follow me on Twitter by the way I use the following accounts:

SFW: https://twitter.com/SpiketailedDino

NSFW: https://twitter.com/DorjeStego

Thanks again!

Here's a boost for a 400 watcher raffle. :3 http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8985507/

Here's a raffle. :D http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8919127/

Finally got around to it. Add me on DorjeStego. :3

Apparently I'm not supposed to commission the same artist my friend's ex has commissioned before even though they haven't spoken in months...