So, it’s been a month since the ban from my favourite Discord server, and I asked member of the SAfurs server I have on my friends list to appeal my ban. According to him, the moderators said I may be unbanned in 3 months time if my behaviour is good enough. They said I was given many chances, but still refused to change.

I am angry, disappointed and sad. But I think to myself, that if this had happened in November, then I would’ve screamed that I wanted to cut their heads off, I didn’t say that. Yay, progress!

I will not go there anymore, because I am banned from the SAfurs Discord server.

Main reason why I cancelled my plans is due to fear of some kind of consequence.

I will be going to the barbecue hosted by SAfurs at Bonython Park on January 18. I will hopefully have a lanyard so you can identify and talk to me too!

I will be downgrading Martin to being just a friend of Douglas.

As for why, it’s because the Martin character has a bad reputation amongst my friends (I did some very freaky things related to him), and I just don’t really like otters as much anymore.

So for now, Douglas will be single.

From now on, I have pledged to never make NSFW artwork ever again, due to getting lots of hate from my friends for doing so.

I did this all to myself, it’s all my fault, I’m not the victim.

I know Martin will never be real, unless I make a realistic robot with a personality just like his. I think a more realistic wish would be to have a fanbase that comforts me. I also just wish I had a nice therapist who was understanding and not judgemental.

When I posted that “self shaming” drawing onto a Discord server I’m in, nobody took it seriously and somebody even called it “furry soyjak.” I spent maybe 3 hours (albeit broken up into chunks) making that drawing only for nobody to take a drawing with a VERY SERIOUS SUBJECT MATTER seriously?

I wish my page would get my popular. I wish more people would hear my cries about my mental health and see my artwork I put my heart and soul into, even if it’s not very good.

Firstly, when the first movi came out in 2016 when I was a kid, I watched it and just hated it. 4 or 5 years later, I watched it again and still hated it. Do keep in mind, this was 2 or 3 years before I was a furry! Now, because of these bad experiences there’s a decent chance I’ll never watch the first mover ever again, or the second movie EVER. Plus, I’m just kind of creeped out by the concept of a single guy, without children, watching a movie made for families.

I wonder if there’s a “furry counterculture”, which would include things such as not drawing in a “cutesy wutesy UwU” kinda artstyle, not liking things most furries like, such as humanoid Pokémon, Zootopia, etc. If that exists, I’m definitely part of it.

I’ve always suffered from constant daydreaming and fantasising, and recently it’s gotten a whole bloody lot worse.

I wish Martin was with me right now, I wish he could comfort me. I just wish there was some way I could bring him from his world into ours.

I have been crying at least twice daily for the past few days due to things going on in my personal life, along with memories from my past. The thing is, THEY’RE ALL MY FAULT.

Call me mentally ill, delusional or whatever but I just wish Martin was real.

Martin is the person I wish I had. I wish I have some who is understanding and not judgemental. I wish I had a shoulder to cry on and I just wish I could have someone to give me a hug.

I feel so alone, people don’t feel empathy for perpetrators who regret their actions and feel remorse to those they hurt, because THEY caused the harm, it was THEIR fault, and crying about it makes them like the Doordash girl!

I’ve decided to take a break from making artwork due to lack of motivation and mental health issues.

I’ve gotten art block and have ran out of ideas of what to draw, and I need simple things since I’m only a bit above the beginner level.

I feel like a skyscraper has collapsed on me and I’m under 20 metres of rubble. I think that’s the best way to describe my mental health right now. Although I won’t exactly say why.