well today i have come to a shocking realization. that realization sadly is that i am not proud of who i am and how i treat my family. I'm a dick. all it took to realize this was to be berated by my little brother and mom. i feel so low right now. i just want to crawl into a hole, have that hole be sucked into a black hole and just not exist. why does this happen each time i try to stand up for myself? i should just go back to being a doormat. Fuck my life.

i finally got a laptop for college. rather than doing college stuff on it, I've been playing games. If anyone wants to play games with me ill see if i have it and can. bye now.

Today my mom yelled at me because I was getting information on scholarships (that she told me to get) and was taking a while before I came out of the school. Apparently I am a failure to her because I don't seem to have my priorities in order. And this really has put me into a tailspin right now. I get home and I am still upset and she asks what's wrong. I realized that I don't have anyone I can talk to about my problems. No one :( and that is a very sad realization for me. I can't be 100% of who I am around any one person. I have no one who will always be there to talk to me when I'm having a bad day or even understand. I can't talk to my mom because she blows everything out of proportion, and I more than often cannot tell her who I am messaging because they're a furry and they don't live near me. She doesn't know I'm a furry. I can't talk to my little brother because I have to be strong. I can't talk to my older brother, while he can be really supportive at times, he gets all of his advice from my mom. He literally is incapable of creating his own guidance. My dad doesn't know I am a furry so i can't say "hey, one of my friends said blablablablabla" and have him ask who and be unable to tell him. My best friend doesn't know I am a furry and hates them. Ironic huh? And I can't be completely open with him. I feel like I have no one I can talk to :( and it's a very saddening feeling. Sorry to rant

I hope everyone's Christmas was great. Mine was better than expected. What did you all do for Christmas?

Twice this morning I have messaged people who I thought were furries and both times they freaked out and swore they didn't know me. I had to apologize repeatedly to them. Anyone else have similar awkward experiences?

All my parents do anymore is fight or don't speak or acknowledge the other's existance. Honestly I'm not sure which one I hate more. My mom is either trying to metaphorically burn my dad or grandmother. My mom is always hateful, even to my little brother who she loves more and it kills me to see her treat everyone so poorly. She wants my dad to pay for her lawyer. My family is so broken right now. I'm ready to get out of here. So I can actually just be me. Not hiding who I am and not having to put up with drama.

My family is having a hard time right now. I don't even know where to begin. My parents would be a good place to start. I'll start there. My parents are divorcing, and fighting every day. My mom told me my dad was having an affair so she said she was divorcing him. I didn't want to believe her. I denied it in my heart everytime it came up but it finally hit me when he told me one on one he was dissatisfied with his marriage. That he was talking with this old friend and not all that they were saying wasn't suggestive but he swore it wasn't physical. He was always a big fan of lance armstrong, seems fitting that he buries himself as a last ditch effort to save what little bit of face he has left. I have sat and watched as my parents fight over little crap and act like kids wanting everything and not share with the other. There is no give and take anymore. My family is broken. My little bro hates my dad, my older bro won't even speak to him and my mom is constantly trying to burn a broken man to the ground. She attacks him constantly. My dad doesn't even fight back anymore. Im 18 now, which is great because 5 days after my birthday they divorce, so I can go wherever I want, whenever I want in terms of who I live with. I can't trust anyone anymore it seems. My "good friend" extorted and stabbed me in the back, my own dad lied to us and cheated on my mom and didn't have the guts to admit it at first. I just can't wait to leave. Get away from all of this. I don't care where I go I just don't want to be here anymore. Someone give me some advice that could help me keep what's left of my family together.

I know I said I'd be home Saturday but I'm finally getting enough time to make an update for you all. I've decided traveling through Atlanta during rush hour is the closest thing to highway hell. We spent 3 hours trying to get through Atlanta. Not only that but motorcyclists were riding through the cars, as in between them. That kind of stuff makes people want to hit them. Just saying.

This is the first time I'm able to make a post on here due to the terrible wifi at my hotel. I'm at buffalo wild wings. Thank God for this place having wifi. I'm going home on Saturday. 12+ hour drive. I'm so excited (sarcasm). Anyways if any of you wanna talk ask Corwin enguerrand cross for some contact info.

As the journal title implies I'm on vacation, with incredibly slow wifi. I am planning on doing something beyond stupid this vacation. I'm gonna tell my family I'm a furry. Then go through the grueling process of explaining what a furry is. Lovely. I'm dreading it but I think this is a good time to tell them. We are relaxing (not really, still fighting as always) and I think I can't possibly make them hate me when we are on vacation. Wish me luck. I'm beyond nervous.

Sincerely your black and green dargon.
~Dovah

Not that any of you reading this know who my friends are, I lost an old friend yesterday. He didn't die but he isn't happy with me. All I asked him to do was deactivate my PSN from his ps3 so I could give my older brother in college dlc. I gave dlc to Dustin for free originally as a favor from a friend but he didn't play the game it went to anymore. I asked him to deactivate the account and he said he didn't know how and that he was at his grandma's. Then when he got home he said he knew how but didn't feel up to it. He said he was too lazy. After asking repeatedly he said, "that's my dlc. My property. If you want it back it'll cost you $20." that's a federal offense for one. Two, it's not his property, nor his place to tell me that he still has a right to MY account. I told him I was not paying him and I'd rather not have to come to his house and deactivate it myself. And if I had to I'd like to see him try to stop me. He then said it would cost $30. Let's do basic math. Dlc cost $15. Dustin asked demanded 20 then 30. He wanted twice what the dlc is worth. I yelled at him and said I wanted the old Dustin back because the new Dustin is "an asshole and needs to figure out just who his friends are." he made the comparison of a store selling a product and then asking for it back. One small problem with your comparison bud. I didn't charge you jack squat. It was free. If anything you owe ME money for ripping me off and lying to me about if I pay you $5 more then you'll share dlc with me. Instead he freaking blew it on dlc for a game I don't have after he promised me he would buy it for a game we share. He has lied, extorted, and stabbed me in the back. He thinks he is a hard ass. I got done talking with him with my blood pressure through the roof, and I was shaking I was so mad. He is the only non furry who knows I'm a furry that I know. He tried to pull some of the furry slander cards. The last thing I said to him before he blocked my number from his phone was "I did NOT lose a friend today. I lost him a damn long time ago. I've just been putting up with the asshole in his place." he complained a week prior as to why we weren't as close as we used to be. That's why. Because he isn't the Dustin I trusted my most personal secret with. He isn't the Dustin whose home I visited and had a bonfire with. That Dustin is dead. He said he didn't ever want to see or talk to me again. Saddest part is, his friends are more my friends than his. I won't make them chose. That's beyond cruel. They did nothing. We have sat at the same table at school for breakfast and lunch the past two years. I guess he is gonna have to find another table. After the argument I was ready to fist fight him. I'm stronger than he is. I'm faster than he is. And I'm smarter than he is. The only thing that is keeping me from fighting him is I believe somewhere deep down, Dustin, the one who was my best friend, is still there. And I'm sure he is hurting. As am I. He said I put down my friends constantly, but most people aggrevate their friends and give them a hard time. It's how they know theyre your friend. but being the "saint" he is he has the right to call out my imperfections. My flaws. Anyways, I just needed to get all of that off my chest. I know you probably don't like hearing about my problems.

A lot of people complain about not ever having money, but honestly I prefer being poor. It makes the things you do have more valuable. I have seen so many parents try to buy their child's love, but I was blessed with a poor family that loves me unconditionally. I mean, yes I would like to be able to afford a book or two that interests me, but that's what libraries are for. I will never be rich. Nor will I try to be, or fool anyone into thinking I am. My friend Daniel has it harder than my family does, but he is a humble individual. To me being humble is more impressive than having anything you want. I'm just grateful to have such wonderful friends and family. I love you all. You're my family, too. Not my blood kin but those I choose as such. If I had the opportunity to die so you would be spared, and make something of your life, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I heard someone once define love as the willingness to sacrifice everything you have and are for someone else so that they may prosper. I know I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. But my life is pretty damn good thanks to those around me.

Just make a journal and be all "Hey! My buddy has a journal for commissions! You can find it here! http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/.....774..." 

Well I'd like to say its been a long and hard journey to get this far. I'd like to, but I cannot. I have worked hard sometimes but I feel either I didn't always give 110% or I wasn't challenged enough to do so. But it's been coming for a while. My senior year is next. I'm going to be spending my last "free summer" soon. And I wish to make it count. The only thing that truly terrifies me, is the world. Outside of my home. When I'm young everything makes sense. I have no worries and no problems that can't be solved easily. I want to get in a Skype call with all of my furry friends at once. That's one of my goals for the summer. Also another goal of mine is to tell my friends and family that I'm a furry. It's a scary thought but I want them to know who I am. Maybe I'll learn something about them as well. I feel like David standing before Goliath. I know not all of you are Christian but that's how I feel right now.

I felt like discussing something random. Everyone has a name and some have nicknames, if you could change your name what would it be? And why? And also if you could choose your nickname, what would it be? My name would be Artyom, and my nickname would have to be Sarge. Artyom because I love Russian names, and sarge from red vs blue.

I am passing all of my classes. Yay. :) So nervous about senior year. God, high school just flies by. I'm gonna miss it. It seems like only yesterday that I was a freshman. Now I'm almost a senior. Anyone else share this feeling with me? Let me know.

I spent all day playing with only furries on PSN. It is so much fun. I love it. They're all so funny and nice. I love em like family. This is such a happy time for me right now. I couldn't put a price on how I feel at the moment. It's joy. Pure joy. I can't think of any other way to describe it. :) I love you all. And if any of my ps3 friends are reading this, I love you too.

Well I was playing cod bo2 today and I recieved a message titled "FURRIES". Apparently, two people who are furries noticed my clan tag that was FurE and my player add that said "I'M A FURRY". Anyways I made two new awesome furry friends today. :)

I'm so glad it's Friday. I have decided that I am saving up for a very significant purchase. It's gonna take forever, but I think it will be worth it. Anyways, how is everyone? Not that many people actually see this.

Today is the Anderson county special Olympics. I'll be attending. Wish my friends luck. If you ever get the chance to go to the special Olympics, please do. It's humbling

Well I went to Walmart today and bought bioshock infinite. So far it's a great game. But while I was there I saw borderlands 2 with the dlc and without it. The copy that comes with the dlc costs 29.98 but the vanilla copy costs 39.98. The only thing I can figure is that since the title is shiny on the vanilla game, it is worth an extra $10

Well today was decent. Had to lift weights. That was boring. I could bench the 45 pound bar which was 45 lb. I hate being weak but I'll get over it. Lol

Well spring break is almost over. I am excited yet nervous about going back. Excited because I'll get to see my friends yet nervous because I am always nervous about returning to anything after a break. Honestly, as odd as it sounds, I wouldn't mind having less breaks. I know it's weird sounding but with less breaks that means more time for teachers to teach and less days where kids are only focused on 'how many more days till such-N-such break?' if I get into a routine I am hard to derail, but throw a break in the routine and I have to start going again. Kinda like a diesel engine. Take a while to get started but once it's going it isn't about to stop.

God help me. I consider myself smart and I do well on tests typically, but this dragon cannot stand failure. If I do not score a 25 or more on my ACT test today, I consider that unacceptable. I didn't sleep on Sunday night from being so nervous, and I only fell asleep last night because I was so tired. My heart is pounding and my mind is reeling. Anyways, to all my friends out there, please wish me luck. I'll need every bit I can get.