Hey, everyone. I thought I’d give a few updates since the dental issue earlier this month, both about that and about life in general.

First off, the dental stuff. I got an exam, and they said that there’s no new breaks or damages to my teeth. Could do with a cleaning and replacing a few fillings – which I’ll get started on as I can save money for it – but there’s no new breaks to be worried about, or any apparent infections or anything like that. So, good news on that. So long as I keep up with keeping them clean and don’t go crazy on harder, damaging foods, I’ll be fine until I can pay for those to be topped up.

Second, spent part of August hosting a friend and going to the Seattle WorldCon, which was…an experience. The hosting was nice – not perfect, but nice – and the con…not so much. I kinda figured out that this is just not my thing. Fur-cons to an extent can be really fun, but the WorldCon stuff is just…I’m in that niche where I know too much to get into the shallower stuff, but not deep enough to get into the fan-fan stuff. So, not really my thing, and it’s too expensive to really throw that much money at it if I’m not getting a lot out of it.

Third, I’m in the UK now (a trip planned out since February-ish and part of a tradition I’ve kept up with the friend I hosted for WorldCon), and will be until September 23rd. It’s…going okay? I’m trying to do work and I’m doing more than I have done in the past, but I have to admit that my focus is completely shot and it’s hard to get more than 8-10 pages done a day.

I’m also going to be honest and admit that I’m kind of in this weird, semi-depressed sort of state at the moment. Being unable to stream, unable to write regularly, and most of all, not be able to do my regular routine until the 23rd is kinda pissing me off and leaving me unable to recharge the way that I normally would. Without that routine, I kinda can’t recharge to more than about a third of a tank, which means every day is a bit more ‘meh’ and draining than it should be. Being a little concerned about not getting work done as fast as I’d like to and keeping an eye on how much I do over here is also a thing, but ehhhh.

Anyway, just an update on how I’m doing, mental state, etc., and letting you all know if you didn’t know already that I’ll be back late on the 23rd.

Much hopes and best wishes to all of you.

Just a heads-up. I’ve found myself with some tooth trouble over the last day or so, and I’m looking for a dentist to take care of that. I’ll be a bit quiet for a bit while I try and sort that out; it’s not bad YET, but it’s giving warnings that are saying “Take care of this NOW.”

Currently searching around for a dentist (gotta love THAT kind of fun), but hope to sort this relatively soon.

Wish me luck.

Now, still got a few things left from the other cycle that have to get done, and I will be doing a splurge thing alongside this, but here's the winners.

 a-lycotonum for 1 10-pager
 TogSwitch for 2 miniseries chapters
 Ultilix for 3 miniseries chapters
 Franco731 for 4 miniseries chapters
 Engy for 4 miniseries chapters
 Harute11 for 4 miniseries chapters
 JCFoxman for 1 10-pager

In addition, we have potentially 3 brainstorms for later on.

While this is more than the 14 slots that I meant to take on, I wanted to get more in and hopefully keep people happy while I'm going abroad.

If anyone that did not get picked wants to be put on a wait list in case I get through more comms during my time abroad than expected, leave a comment here and I'll have you first in line for when the rest of the stuff is done.

For everyone else, congratulations, can't wait to get your write-ups. Please fill out the form found here and send it to spencer-gorman[at]hotmail.com . Thanks!

By now, I'm sure that you've heard of what's happened with itch.io and Steam. The dramatic shift by both companies to de-list and block games and other media that 'doesn't agree with their payment processors' has been as staggering as it has been reprehensible, and it follows no clear thread other than 'This might offend a puritan with their hand on the button'. NSFW materials, as well as media that only mentions the existence of LGBTQ+ people, have been made impossible to search for.

Steps are being taken. People are listing the numbers for Visa and Mastercard (the primary power-holders in this push) to call, annoy, and remind them about the consequences of this choice. Likewise, there are email addresses being passed around for those that cannot call but can send emails (phones seem to be better for getting a message across, since it tends to tie up a real person for longer and affects the company bottom line). You can find those below:

Mastercard (US): 1-800-627-8372
Mastercard (Int.): +1-636-722-7111
Visa (US + Can): 1 800 847 2911
Visa (AUS): 1 800 125 440

Mastercard support email:
customer_support[at]mastercard.com

Visa support email:
askvisa[at]visa.com

If you wish to join in, adding your voice to the roar, maybe we can make a difference in turning that around.

But if you're not able to do that, or feel like there's no point, or just feel too worn down to do anything about that, then here's something else you can do.

Talk to the creators you follow. Show them that they matter, and more, show them that they're worth something when the rest of the world is trying to tell them they're worthless and need to be shut down.

You might not have the power to push back the tide, or the energy to leap in there, but I bet you have a few kind words and thankful details to share with the people making the stuff you love. Go tell them.

Okay, since there was some enthusiasm regarding the new ‘custom world’ thing that I was talking about in the other journal, let’s get into the nitty-gritty.

First off, here’s the other stuff I offer so you know what it is, and so you can compare to what I already charge.

1: Wheel of Fetish: A brainstorm for a client that delivers 3 one-paragraph story summaries a little vague on character that can be adapted for future use/commissions.

Cost: $5
Turnaround Time: 30 minutes once started
Client Effort: List of gender pairing, species preference, setting preference, and 5-10 kinks

2: General Brainstorm: A more in-depth brainstorm focused on developing the plot and characters of a story, ranging from 10 pages to a splurge-length story. Focused on building up primarily plot, character, and some kink. Client may receive write-up afterward if they prefer me to put it together.

Cost: $20 per 30 minutes
Turnaround Time: However long the client pays for
Client Effort: Bringing a base concept to be built up and developed, as well as being honest about whether my suggestions are hitting the mark or not

As you can see, the results of both are relatively straightforward. The longest I’ve had a General Brainstorm go is about 4 hours, but that was for a series that was going to cover 280 pages, so that wasn’t too surprising. The average brainstorm for a 10 pager barely takes 30 minutes, and a longer series can be brainstormed and figured out within 2 hours, most of the time. The write-up can take up to 1 hour of work to completely pull together.

Now that we’ve covered that, let’s talk about the new product.

The Bespoke World

I’m a worldbuilder. I love worldbuilding. I like the process of making a whole new world, whether that’s SFW or NSFW, and I absolutely adore getting eyes on it and putting stories inside of it.

I also know that there are lots of people with ideas for stories that need a world that suits them, and people that would love to have a world that has stuff baked in that allows for all kinds of fun.

That’s where we can make a deal.

What I’d offer is setting-making, ranging from city-size to world/plane size. What I’d ideally be able to offer while building this up is:

-Culture
-Government
-Magic (if applicable)
-High-Tech (if applicable)
-Kink-effect on culture/devices/public (if applicable)
-Up to 10 major characters
-Major locations for interesting times/belonging to key characters
-Major figures of influence
-Local/regional religions
-Rough Map of certain areas

And so on, all wrapped up in a document with a table of contents that goes between the different sections for you or others to reference in the future.

The basic idea with this is to give someone a sandbox to play around in, have multiple characters to work with in the setting beyond their own OCs, and make sure that they can enjoy various scenarios that allow for their desires, fantasies, hopes, and dreams to be viable.

Superhero setting? Could be a city or a full world. Done.

Crossover of earth and Hell? Let’s come up with the crossing point and work from there. Done.

Fantasy realm that’s low magic but high corruption? That’d be fun as hell to imagine. Done.

But the main thing that I don’t know yet is how much to charge for this, and whether it’d be a flat-rate, an hourly rate, or something else entirely.

So, that’s where you come in. Any thoughts? Respond in the comments.

Bespoke Worlds



Just thinking of something new I can offer to go along with brainstorming and some of the consultation stuff that I do.

Currently, I offer the Wheel of Fetish (which is where you pay $5 for three story-idea summaries based around things you like) and Brainstorming by the half-hour ($20/half-hour of digging into what you want and figuring out how to make it work). But some of you don’t really need that. Some of you already know the stories you like and have ideas of what you’d want to do.

But I think what some of you would like is a world. A Bespoke World, even, created by me specifically for you, tailored purely to what you like, so you have a playground to work with, a sandbox to delve into, and a space that lets you play with your kinks, your desires, and the way you want your world to work for your stories/fantasies/whatever.

We could build a city or city-state that operates in defiance of the world around it.

We could build a superhero system that has its own distinct rules.

We could make a republic, a kingdom, a mage-ocracy, a theocracy, any kind of nation that you want.

Hell, we could make a world or a plane for this all to take place on, completely suited to what you want for your fantasies.

What do you think? Would you like to get someone to come up with something like this for you, complete with a write-up for future reference?

Lemme know in the comments.

Congrats, everyone! Let's go through the list of the new comm clients.


 GlynWolf with a very generous list of four different sponsored stories (thaaaaaank you)
 dariuswhitefur with 3 miniseries chapters with a promising plot that I look forward to starting
 Scythio with 1 10-pager that looks to involve Drac quite heavily, very nice
 Roureem with 1 10-pager that will continue a past series and a sponsored chapter of Starfox Adventures Parody (ALWAYS glad to see something like that continue)
 Franco731 with 4 miniseries chapters that will be continuing a certain rather slutty Starfox story from a while back, sure to be naughty
 angelus288 with 3 miniseries chapters to bring back a series long-since kinda dead, but who knows, maybe it'll roaring back to life
 technophile34 with 1 10-pager bringing up some more potent doll-works
 arkhamvi with 1 6-pager with some super-hero play, veeeeery nice
and 4 miniseries chapters for Mizzukat, 2 with Suresha, 2 with Olag, should be fun.

Thanks one and all for entering, and can't wait to see what you have for me.

As usual, get me your write-ups (template found here) all filled out with all the information I need, and send it to spencer-gorman[at]hotmail.com . Can't wait to get started.

Happy Pride, Everyone!



It's that month for those of us in the USA (and some other places, though I know that Pride is different in various countries). That means that it's time to remember who we are, and take a little stock in just who we are, and what that means to us.

There's been a great deal of danger for various members of the community this year, having ramped up more and more over the last few years. Gay rights are being targeted, trans people are in the crosshairs, and many more of the things that we've taken for granted from the 2010s onward are no longer so certain. Acceptance, always fragile, is at risk of fraying further and further.

But that doesn't mean we're done. It doesn't mean we're helpless.

We still have each other.

We still have our pride.

Wherever you are, if you have the safety to do it, if you have the heart, raise your flag. Even if it's a tiny one, whether it's in a wave of other people or just by yourself in your room, wave your flag. Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Pan, Ace, Aro, Trans, Nonbinary, Two-Spirit, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Agender, and everyone else that stands with us and is one of us, raise your flag and remind yourself of who you are. Whoever and whatever you are, that flag represents a piece of you, and that piece is not just valid, but worthy of praise and celebration. You. Are. Magnificent.

Celebrate it, and speak your pride. Softly, loudly, however you can, say it, and claim it.

I'm aegosexual. I'm in a niche on the asexual spectrum. I am an outsider, and I love the show. I choose to be a freak out here, to grab the garlic-bread popcorn and enjoy the show. I own my outsider space, knowing I can step in anytime I want and be welcomed. I am the questioner and the underminer. The teaser and the supporter.

Who are you?

The winners of the raffle are as follows:

IB: Anonymous (2 miniseries chapters)

SF: BonBonBeato (10-pager)

FA

 Ultilix (4 chapters)
 a-lycotonum (1 10-pager)
 FriskeCrisps (1 10-pager)
 NerubianKnight (Author's Pleasure, Tinder's Customizable Cousin, and 2 chapters)
 RayoElGatubelo (2 chapters)
 User3434658 (1 premium 10-pager)
 AkimitsuSevecan (3 chapters, 1 Author's Pleasure)
 GlynWolf (Ace on Tape, Lylat Wars XXX, and 10-pager)

Congrats, all. Anyone that's getting a piece that I need info for, fill out the template [url=https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....aring]here[/u] and send it to me via email at spencer-gorman[at]hotmail.com . Can't wait to get started on your stuff.

I will update tomorrow with the winners.

Hey everyone, just hitting you with an introspective journal.

I’ve been chatting a bit with a few people (some more than others) on different fandom topics, and I realized that there’s a difference to the way that I approach these things to the way that they do. I’m not sure if I’m the one that’s the weird one out here – quite possibly am – but I thought I’d present this and see if there was anyone else that feels the same way.

Let’s start vaguely and work our way backwards. When I am engaged with a piece of media (whether literature, anime, movie, tv, whatever) and I talk about it with someone else, I tend to focus on the thing itself. I don’t get into power-scaling, I don’t get into the making-of, and I don’t really think about the outside factors. Part of that is never learning actors or the way that different people create their work (outside of noticing the way that different authors might have a style, or how an actor might do the same kind of character over and over again), but part of it is that I like to appreciate each piece of work for what it offers, regardless of what went into making it.

However, I’ve found that there’s a lot of people that don’t do this. They’ll enjoy a piece of media and see something, and we’re off on a tangent of “Oh, that’s a reference to x” or “Oh, that must mean that y”, or they’ll have learned about the media beforehand and start talking about how it was made or the inspirations or the other outside bits that are contributing factors to the piece that we’re watching.

As an example that came up during one of these talks, let’s look at Shrek. Apparently, Farquad was meant to look like Michael Eisner as part of the whole mockery of Disney stuff. I never knew this – I barely knew the name ‘Eisner’ as a kid, barely know it now – but apparently to some people, that’s a huge thing and one of the funnier things about it.

And yet, to me, that’s just a moment of “Okay…and?”

Admittedly, this is me as a kid when I first saw the movie. Duloc and all the people in it were bumbling bad guys in a fairy-tale parody. That was all I needed to know. Being informed of more stuff didn’t make it funnier; it just made it more like I was supposed to know this to find it good. But it didn’t make it good; it made it feel like I wasn’t allowed to like it or talk about it unless I knew the extra stuff.

As another example, lets look at the way that power-scaling and general fandom theorizing works regarding superheroes and stuff. One that came up was the idea of how fans were theorizing and building up stuff around Superman, including the force field that later became canon (as a reason for no bugs being on him from flying around and all that) and a few other things, like how some super-strength characters have never killed someone. Whether it’s Banner being in control of the Hulk just enough to pull him back, or something else along those lines, there’s always something.

But to me, it’s always felt like that’s trying to explain something that doesn’t need to be explained. Superman flies around and doesn’t get covered in bugs because nobody wants to draw him that way; the extra powers were added later because the guy running it at the time wanted to leave a mark. As for the super-strength and being ‘in control’ all the time, let’s not kid ourselves. Control is the last thing that most emotionally-charged people – let alone supers – are going to have. To me, I’d honestly find it easier to believe that there’s a low-level invulnerability in this setting for humans rather than the idea that the super-strength hero is able to hold back 100% of the time and avoid a body-count. I don’t need them to have a body-count, but the reasons writers and fans come up with to justify it starts driving me insane.

But I accept it as part of the medium, and don’t need that part explained, and when people start trying TO explain it, adding this, detailing that, it feels like more of the need to have more information. The need to study. The need to make it more complicated than it just is how it is.

Through various reasons (loneliness, not a lotta friends, various sorts of trauma with the educational system, etc.), I’ve always had much greater appreciation for media when it gives me three specific things.

One: that all information needed is contained (and hopefully mostly stated) within the medium, rather than needing outside sources or needing to know the (often dated, by the time I get to them) references being made, or other outside bits.

Two: I am allowed to have a voice about the media in question. I can point to things in the media, say how I feel about it, and it’s allowed. If it’s something where I’m told ‘You would just love it if you understood these things,’ that prevents me from being able to link with it, or have an opinion, because it goes from media to study.

Third: the chance to enjoy or hate it without having to know x-amount of meta-data. The instant that history about a thing, or the actors within it, or who the writer is, or what this or that event is referencing becomes the key part to enjoying something, I end up checking out, because I am not here to test my knowledge of outside pieces.

I get it. I know that there’s a lot of people that love getting into the nitty-gritty and finding references and connecting threads. I understand that’s a huge attraction to quite a few people, and I fully accept that I may be fully in the minority here for wanting to get into something without looking for all the connections, without power-scaling, without learning the meta about creation/actors/etc.

For me, if I sit down with a piece of media, the only outside connections I want to think about are whether it is an extension of an existing piece (part of a trilogy/series, etc.) and my own memories and feelings about it. I want to watch someone else put on a show, engage with it, and be allowed to talk about it without having to either prove myself or study everything to be ‘allowed’ to enjoy it the way that some people require.

Anyway, long rant, but thanks for anyone that read this far. Lemme know which way of appreciating and engaging with things you are.

LATE EDIT

Please note that I am not opposed to references and easter eggs in pieces of media or people getting to enjoy that. I'm just someone that has not and likely will never get these references, so I end up getting confused and frustrated when some people end up talking about those bits and very little else, because I'm appreciating and trying to talk about the thing, and those people feel like they're talking about something different.

Hello, everyone. Time for a quick check-in. I’ll make another announcement and do more uploads later on, but for now, a little check-in and an update.

Over the last couple of weeks, I had quite the topsy-turvy life. My roommates got COVID (I managed to avoid it), couldn’t leave the house to get groceries, got a weird foot injury that kept me from cooking so we had to live off take-out for a while, and just had a lot of up and down mood problems.

As you might imagine, when you’re playing nursemaid to roommates and then can’t actually put your weight down on one foot, it’s a little hard to get things done. The schedule that I thought I could keep to was royally fucked. I was barely able to get anything done through that time period, and while I’m better now, I’ll admit that I’m dragging myself out of the dirt just a little bit.

That said, as promised, the Trello.

https://trello.com/b/22pKCkAv/commission-cycle

I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep to this, but I’m going to do my damnedest to make it happen. With that schedule, I should be done with the current comms by the 15th, and I’d be opening for more commissions between the 12th and 15th. If anything changes, I’ll keep you informed.

Sorry for the lack of communication, and thank you for your patience.

Don't know how it happened, but I managed to injure my foot to the point where I kinda have to stay down to get it to stop throbbing and hurting. Can't walk on it, and sitting at my desk has been painful to the point of impossible.

That said, today has been much better than it was previously, so hopefully one more day of rest - tomorrow - and I'll be back to what I should be, and can finally start making a dent in all these remaining stories.

Hello everyone, just thought I'd give you a little bit of an update about where things are.

As you might have noticed, things are a little hectic around here. New complications? Roommate's got COVID and another one is sick with something that may be a cold, may be COVID, who knows at this point? Currently testing negative myself, but with two out of three people already down, it's probably inevitable that it's going to work its way around to me.

I'm going to work for now as if I don't have anything, but that does mean that there's going to be a temporary slowdown (hopefully just over this weekend) with work on comms. I'll still do one tomorrow, but it's down from the 4-6 that would be done normally over this period of time.

Tomorrow, I'll post the updated Trello for people to know when they are going to be up for comms, and what time to keep an eye out for that. Sorry for these days, but genuinely trying to keep everything working well for everyone and keep you all updated.

Thanks for your understanding and patience.

Well, great to be getting some new stuff in. Let's go through the list.

Winners from SoFurry:

John_Doe12346 for 4 miniseries chapters
MizzuKat for 4 miniseries chapters

Winners from FA:

 JCFoxman for 2 10-pagers
 GlynWolf for 2 sponsored chapters and 1 10-pager
 criticalshot1239 for 3 miniseries chapters and 1 brainstorm
 yana_ambrosia for 2 sponsored stories
 akimitsusevecan for 1 sponsored story and 1 10-pager
 Tarnish.exe for 1 10-pager
 lightsun168 for 4 miniseries chapters
 a-lycotonum for 3 miniseries chapters
 alabastertortoise for 1 10-pager
 Franco731 for 1 10-pager
 Arrowquivershaft for 1 3-pager

Congrats, one and all. Please send your write-ups (template found here) and send them along via email to spencer-gorman[at]hotmail.com . Looking forward to working with all of you.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/60468562/

Just to make sure that you didn't miss it.

I hope that you enjoyed getting so many today.

Happy Transgender Day of Visibility



Well, that was a mouthful. Worth it, though.

Alright, everyone, let's have a moment here. Anyone that's been paying attention to the news has seen that there's a ton of stuff that's been raining down on anyone not cisgender. In the USA, it's been remarkably bad in a remarkably short amount of time, and I have little doubt that there's been further pushes all around the globe, both where people should know better and in historical danger-zones. The world has become painfully unwelcoming to many a person, and it is disheartening to say the least.

Which is why it's more important than ever to remember each other, and celebrate each other, and more than anything else, stand up for each other.

Whether you are transgender, know someone who is, or just want to do the right thing, this is the time to do it. Reach out, support, stand up when people talk shit about others. If you can, stand up and speak up for the safety and freedom of transgender, nonbinary, and other individuals. Show that you are more than a silent ally in the voting booth. Show them that they are not just accepted, but loved and celebrated like every other member of our community should be.

Nobody deserves to settle for being 'accepted' in life, like they are just an inoffensive part that we shouldn't kick out. They should know that we are here. They should know that we want them here.

The time for passivity is gone. Be active. Be loud. Be present. Show them that they are not alone.

Don't just see them. Know them. Appreciate them. Protect them.

We are a community. And we stand with our own.

Hey, just a question for people that are interested in stuff that I would do for myself rather than for commission. This involves both the sponsored-story stuff as well as the rare occasion that I manage to do something for myself outside of that.

I love to write things involving my characters and my ideas, but I often run into three major issues with them.

1: My personal story ideas, the ones that I want to do for myself, tend to be the stuff that is the least-viewed and least-favorited (and, by interpretation, least liked) of all the things that I do, even compared to some of the more out-there commissions. Admittedly, some of that is due to the fact that my kinky stuff is more story-based rather than immediately fetish-y, but the fact that it falls so low is discouraging.

2: My ideas tend to be more series-based (short or long) than one-offs, which means a longer commitment toward seeing them done. The fact that few people seem to be interested in them means that there's less feedback, and also less sponsorship toward them. Which leads to:

3: My ideas stagnating and no longer interesting me because they've sat idle for too long. For me, sharing the idea and getting other people to enjoy it is half the fun. If I'm just putting it out there and shouting into a void, it's more interesting to shift over to some new idea rather than continue something that gets almost nothing in terms of interest.

Now, all of these things are 'me' problems. It's not up to everyone else to like something I make just because I made it. Every author, hell, every creative takes that risk whenever they make something. We shoot it off into the void and hope that it finds an audience somewhere, always with the risk that nobody likes it at all. I know that, and I have always known that, but that doesn't mean that it's any less discouraging when there's nothing under the submission after it's been up for months, or years. And that discouragement means that it's very hard to keep moving forward with a story when it takes me weeks, if not months between chapters, and the interest is slowly dying, and it feels like there's nobody in the world that wants to see the idea.

It kinda ends up leaving me feeling kinda like a shitty writer, if I'm completely honest.

So, I'm trying to figure out a way to make it a little bit easier, both for me to keep a story going and for those that want me to do that have a way to help. To do that, I have a few questions, and I have a request or two. The questions first.

Question 1: When it comes to my stories, what are more interesting? Stories involving random characters going through kinky situations I come up with, or stories about my characters in similar situations?

Question 2: Do you prefer series or one-shots when it comes to new stories with my characters?

Question 3: When I do more stories involving my characters, would it be more interesting to do origin stories, or just do slice of life/modern events with them?

If you wouldn't mind answering some of those in the comments below, that would be really useful for me.

As for the favors (outside of answering the questions), I mostly just...really want this.

If you enjoyed something I wrote, please say something. If there is something I did well, please leave a comment. Because it's one thing when I put something up that someone else commissioned and it doesn't do well. It didn't have to; so long as the client liked it, that means that the story succeeded in what it was meant to do. But when it's something I do for myself, there's more of my heart in it, and seeing it just disappear feels like a little piece of me is dying.

If you can't, or don't have the time, I get it. I can't push for it, and you have no reason to say much. But if I didn't ask, then I had little right to be bothered.

Thanks for your time, and thanks in advance if you read through this and respond.

A Few Updates, And Depression

Okay, been a little while since I gave you guys a ‘state of the author’ sort of update, so let’s get into that.

Good news first.

I’ve finally more or less settled into doing good work on a good schedule in the new place. It’s a different schedule and I’ll be having to figure out how to make that work well, but it’s feeling right again. Currently, I’ve finished all but one of the slots that were part of the last cycle, and I’m going to be jumping into splurge-work after that. All things considered, I’d look for more openings toward the end of March, but I should be able to stay on-track.

Other good news is that I have a few more plans for new series to offer in sponsored series stuff, and might be able to take some time to write for myself going forward. We’ll see.

Also, also, we finally are getting back on track with weekly streams. Early days, but hopefully it all works out.

Also, also, also, I continue to dig my teeth into various bits of cooking and try out lots of stuff on a daily basis. Been good just having the time to flex and show off to myself, because cooking really is a joy.

And now, the bad news.

Recently, I was informed of the problems with Subscribestar, as informed by this report a few years ago.

https://www.splcenter.org/resources.....s-profit-hate/

I left Patreon because of the fact that they were getting more and more intrusive about personal information, as well as becoming more hostile to different kinks. This, however, is no better, and in some ways much worse, as Patreon at least banned people like Alex Jones and others that were spreading bad things from their site. The fact that subscriptions to me on Subscribestar help finance a company that is fine with this? No. I’m not going to be part of that.

Not sure where I’ll be going after that, but I’ll probably be shuttering the Subscribestar at the end of March, and keeping a record of what I owe everyone. What I do next, no idea, but I can’t really support something that does that.

As for the other bad news?

Well…I’m not quite sure how to put it, but I’m somewhere between having a bit of an early mid-life crisis and being depressed. Not made better by the current state of things, admittedly, but they’re not the cause.

I’ve been very conscious of mortality for the last few months due to deaths around me, and I’ve become insanely aware of how I’ve already had 35 years on this earth, and if I get just as many in good health, I’ll be lucky. I’ve seen all the years pass, I’ve seen people that should not have died as soon as they did go, and I’ve seen basically everyone that was due to die before me in the family pass. I have that feeling of being next in line, and it’s very hard to shake that feeling. Most nights, I lie in bed thinking about how little time I have left, and it just…terrifies me, and if I’m lucky it stops there. If not, then I start thinking about all the other people that I still have left to lose, or how it’ll be when I just stop, and…

It's not good.

Now, it’s not constant. Most of the day, I’m fine, and I have plenty of distractions to keep me from thinking about it, but around 10-ish PM, it starts creeping in, and I don’t have the energy to keep pushing it back again. I’m told time will help, and I hope it will. I’m also seeking therapy, doing meditation, holding onto things as best I can. But it is a struggle.

That said, I wanted to ensure that I mentioned that for the whole State of the Author thing, and…

Well, I’ll be okay. I’m finding ways around it, I’m doing what I can, but I also need to talk about it from time to time. Just to keep it from echoing around in my head.

Not sure how to end this, so I’ll just say ‘Thanks for listening,’ and wish you all well, and promise more uploads in the near future.

Be well.

Let's go through the winner list.

 Avenging-Hobbits for 1 10-pager story.
 AkimitsuSevecan for 4 miniseries chapters.
 FriskeCrisps for 1 9-pager story.
 yana_ambrosia for 1 sponsored chapter in Hero's Guild.
 harute11 for 2 miniseries chapters.
 Roureem for 3 miniseries chapters and 1 sponsored chapter for Starfox Adventures Parody.
 Anthroperson_18 for 1 sponsored chapter in The Obsessive Assistant.
 Scythio for 1 10-page story.
 MysteriousTGArtist for 2 miniseries chapters.
 RayO_ElGatubelo for 2 miniseries chapters.
 a-lycotonum for 2 miniseries chapters.
 Drackonthanri for 2 miniseries chapters.
 3rdHarleyJoe for 1 9-pager.

Congrats, one and all.

As usual, fill out your write-ups (template found here) and email them to spencer-gorman@hotmail.com. Looking forward to starting these soon.

Been on a bit of an attempt at self-improvement for a bit, and it’s got me thinking about stuff that’s probably pretty obvious to a lot of people. That said, even if it’s obvious, I thought I’d write it down and share it in case there’s other people that haven’t thought of it yet, or need a reminder, or just have some other need for it to be refreshed for them.

When it comes to being ‘better,’ it’s always going to be hard, because there’s three checklists of things that we are always trying to fulfill, and the first two are a lot easier to remember and prioritize than the third. Let’s break those down into Survival, Social, and – as I have been guilty of labeling it in the past – ‘Selfish.’

Survival is the checklist that contains stuff like work, paying bills, doing the basic things that keep us alive. They’re the things that we need to do just to keep a roof over our head, food in the pantry, and all that jazz. Considering that these items lead directly to us staying alive, they tend to be the ones that get the most priority in a lot of ways, and they’re the ones that we tend to not celebrate very much because they’re the things that just ‘have to be done.’ Yes, they’re the things that we do the most, and we do very well, but we can’t celebrate them because we don’t really feel like there’s a reason not to do it. If something’s essential, why celebrate it, eh? (It’s a terrible lie we tell ourselves, isn’t it?)

Social, then. What’s social? That’s the stuff that we are supposed to want. Societal as well as social, the things that we are told we should be doing. Hanging out, socializing, being ‘better’ for the sake of being better human beings. Working out, being in shape, dieting, being informed. Yes, these are good things, but they’re things that we often do because we’re told that ‘good people’ do them. Sometimes we want to do it, sometimes we don’t, but the Social/Societal checklist is, more often than not, filled at least halfway with stuff we don’t really want to do, but we are told we should. And because it’s filled up with things that are technically optional, and often unwanted, this list often feels like a bunch of failure for us, because we keep falling short.

Finally, we reach ‘Selfish’ stuff. And this is where I’ve really been thinking.

‘Selfish’ desires are the ones that may or may not line up with the Social/Societal stuff, but are meant for us. I’m not talking about the daily habits like gaming for a while, or little bits and pieces that serve as a buffer against misery and such. I’m talking about our dreams and ambitions, things that are specifically us and keyed to us. I’m talking about the idea of not just ‘learning a hobby,’ but embracing a passion. Not just ‘learning to code,’ but ‘I have this idea that I am going to see brought to life.’ No generic shit here, but as fun and passionate a thing as you can find, something that resonates with you, something you want to chase.

This third check-list of things we want to fulfill is not only a pain in the ass to actually fill out – because let’s be honest, knowing what we want out of life rather than what we’re supposed to want out of life is fucking HARD – but it tends to get the lowest priority.

Why prioritize ourselves when things are bad for everyone? Why do something fun when you have to do something else to survive? Why chase this dream when we have to do something to be better in the world we live in?

And the answer is simple. If you don’t chase something you want, then you don’t get the energy to do anything else.

People talk about not pushing so hard at work so you don’t burn out. People talk about staying connected to maintain a certain love of life. Both of those things are true, but that ignores the happiness and pleasure that comes from giving yourself what you want. Without knowing who you are, without chasing the things that you desire and want out of life – what you want, not what you should want or what others say you should have – you are just…existing. You’re getting by. You’re doing the equivalent of taking out payday loans and hoping that the GoFundMe pays out enough this month to keep you afloat.

Making progress towards the ‘Selfish’ goals is like a major bonus on your emotional paycheck. Making the investment is a risk, and I completely get that, and agree with it. It’s hard to be sure that it’s going to be worth it, and sometimes, we don’t have the resources to throw much at chasing those more difficult dreams.

But it is worth it. And sometimes, that’s the only way to get enough emotional energy, enough happiness, enough wherewithal to actually make your life better.

So, take a moment. Take a little time to ask yourself how much of the stuff you’re doing is going towards what other people and society say you should be doing, what you should want, how you should be better, and how much you actually know about how you want to be better, and what you want out of your life.

And then, look at that third list. If you don’t have one, think about what you want, who you are, and what you need for yourself, and start making one.

Because the return on emotional investment like that, particularly if you’re not in a happy place already, is more than worth it.

It’s not New Year’s Eve yet, but considering how time loves to shift and roll and move and get away from me, I might as well get this done now while I’m thinking about it.

I’ve never been one for resolutions, or at least, I’ve never been one that could stick with them very well. It’s always tricky to find a behavior or a theme that really works for me going through an entire year, and trickier still to actually stay interested in all of them. Who knows, maybe there’s a part of me that just gets bored and doesn’t like ideas that it enjoyed earlier (even as recently as an hour ago).

Whatever the reason, I’m trying something a little different this year. I’m going to phrase it as a ‘gift list’ to myself, 12 different gifts, no more than one a month, for the year ahead. Things I can do that will hopefully make me happy, things that will make me feel accomplished, and things that will keep a little more goodness in my life. Goodness knows that the recent events have taken a bit out of it.

Anyway. Let’s go through the gift-list for myself. Maybe some of you can help me keep accountable to this stuff.

1: Research and connect with my Cherokee heritage. With some Native American connections through my mom’s side, going back at least a couple of generations, I’ve always had a vague, kinda low-key pride in having that bit in my family tree. Yet, I’ve never really dug into it, and I feel like I should. It’s something that, as a part of me that I do take pride in, I should know more about. Pride without knowledge is merely arrogance, after all.

2: Prioritize personal writing. I say it every year, and maybe this will be the year that I actually do it. I want to do stories that aren’t just porn commissions. I want to do erotica that touches my own interests more often, and I want to do something that isn’t furry, as well. Something that maybe I can publish. I touched on an idea last month that I’ve been slowly developing, so maybe this one will stick around. As long as I keep loving it and bringing it back in.

3: Get in touch with asexual/queer community IRL. Having discovered that I’m asexual – or, at least, on the ace spectrum, leaning toward aegosexual – a couple of years back, it feels only right that I push myself to be part of the community, as well. Particularly IRL. There’s lots of good ace community stuff online, just like there is for a lot of us under the rainbow flags, but there’s something about IRL stuff that really does better. There’s more…substance to it, more people, and without the screens in the way, there’s something more understanding, more connecting. And I need that right now.

4: Learn asexual history. Queer history in general is something that is always at risk of dying out of the living memory. We learn a lot of national history (propagandized in a lot of ways, but still getting the basic bits out there), and there’s a general consciousness of a certain amount of historical basics, that certain things actually existed, inasmuch as the heteronormative stuff is written down and learned and taught. Queer stuff? Muuuuuuch harder to just have by osmosis. Since being ace is part of me, just like with the Cherokee stuff, I should bring some of this into my life, too.

5: Read one fiction book per month, minimum. The fuck kind of writer doesn’t read? I have been letting this slip for too long. One book a month, minimum. I need to keep the writing in my life, and that means keeping the reading in it, too. Starting small, with a young adult book called “Elatsoe” by Darcie Little Badger, and seeing what else I can put together over the course of the year. Hopefully a big bunch towards the middle with the WorldCon stuff being local this year, but we’ll see.

6: Figure out my clothing ‘style’ and put together a few looks. After literally decades of stubbornly refusing to care about fashion and looks and style and just pulling the first thing out of the drawer and wearing that (and doing a bit of introspection to realize that was defiance rather than choice), I want to figure out what my look is. Drac used to have his robe before going to his current suit. I want to spend some time figuring out what me, the author, should look like, and what I can do to enjoy that.

7: Decorate my room. Similar to the above, I never really had the option of doing much room decoration in the past. Either we were renting and I couldn’t do much without risking damage to the walls or something, or we were too poor to actually afford getting anything, or something else had come up. Now, I have a place that I’m staying for a significant amount of time, there’s no real worries about damaging stuff so much, and I can kinda do what I want. The question is, what do I want to surround myself with? Again, what is my style? I want to figure that out.

8: Put out an erotica anthology. I put out enough porn that this really shouldn’t be so hard. I could go back to some of the Kink-Tober/Kink-Vember pieces and expand them, or take some of the pieces I’ve done for myself and edit them, or something. I want to actually have something out there that’s more my own, and maybe something a little special as a result. Who knows? Maybe people might buy it.

9: Find a happy place between my asexuality and my libido. Those of you that know, know. Those of you that don’t? Sex-neutral and sex-favorable aces, and some sex-repulsed aces, still get a lot of weird signals from their libido that doesn’t always gel with the general sense of attraction with others. It’s very easy to have a moment of weakness in fantasy and go ‘Maybe I’m not ace, maybe I should get some action.’ Then you open something like grindr, or some other app, and you rapidly realize nope, nope, nope, still ace, still not interested in that. Part of this year could – and probably should – be spent on figuring out that happy space where I’m good with who I am – and more confident with it – and dealing with the signals the libido sends, because clearly something isn’t getting what it needs.

10: Find out if driving is possible. I avoided learning to drive for two reasons: to avoid giving my family more power over me when I was still living with them (because I would have become the new chauffeur with how things were going and lost even more free time) and because I get serious panics getting in the driver’s seat. With the former no longer a concern, I want to see if I can overcome the latter, because in the US, not being able to drive (and not living in a large city) means getting ANYWHERE is a pain. If I can learn to drive, this is the time to do it. If not…well, then I know and I can stop pushing on this.

11: Build up my online community and build an offline one. My discord community is a nice one, but I want to be more reliable with it, and make sure that there’s plenty of stuff going on whether or not I’m there to run it. We’ve had irregular movie nights and semi-regular game streams, but I want to add some more stuff so that there’s stuff there for people to enjoy outside of, you know, work stuff. And outside that, I want a small community of friends locally, as well. I’ve spent my life with online friends, and while I’ve gotten to know a number of them and enjoy them, I want to have people I can hang out with in person without going on a plane somewhere. This year, I feel like it’s a possibility to get that.

12: Build a personal cookbook. I do enough cooking that I really should do something about that. If nothing else, it would give other people in the house a list of stuff to make if they wanted to, instead of me making everything. And who knows, it might give me more ideas rather than churning out the same things all the time.

Well, that’s the list of 12 gifts I hope to give myself this year. I wrote those out over the last few days, but with the bad news I got after that, I’m adding one theme to the list. Something in honor of someone who isn’t here anymore.

13: Prioritize joy, be shameless in enjoying what you enjoy, and be the hero that you always dreamed of being.

This is what I’m taking into 2025. Fingers crossed I can give myself all these gifts at some point.

Yesterday, I learned about the passing of a friend of mine. To say that it was a shock is an understatement; I had heard from him earlier this month, and I had thought that things were just quiet for the holidays. Hearing that he was gone over a week after the fact knocked me reeling.

 Winterhound776 was someone that I knew for a fairly long time. He came in as a client well before the 2020s, and we’d talked and spent time together and enjoyed a number of NSFW conversations. He was charming then, and had a confidence that went above and beyond what you’d expect in someone with his interests. You get so used to seeing people blushy and embarrassed and a bit ashamed of what they are and what they like, but not him. He embraced what he liked and showed it off with a swagger I’ve seldom seen in the most arrogant of individuals, and did it with a certain panache that you could only really admire it.

While we never got as close as I would like, he always offered a warmth and eagerness whenever we talked. There was never anything less than a genuine zest and passion for company, and I always felt appreciated in one way or another around him.

One thing that I will remember from his friendship and take away from his passing is that there should never be shame in chasing the things that bring you pleasure, or in embracing the things that make you happy. However it ended for him, he chose to prioritize his passions in a huge way, and he did it without being selfish.

I will miss him. And I know many others that knew him will feel the same. But I will remember that about him.

Goodbye, Nirimer. You were a good friend.

Well, everyone, it’s about that time. For those that celebrate, Merry Christmas. For those that go for something earlier, or later, or anything at all, I wish you good days, and wonderful times at the end of the year.

It’s been a year for most of us, I’m sure. I doubt that there’s any of us that have made it to the end without at least one regret, regardless of where it came from. Changes, too, probably. I know I’ve been through quite a few, both on the inside and in the life that everyone else sees. New house, new place to live, new city. And so many things about myself, too. I know that I’m not unique in that. I’m sure that at least half of you reading this have had some major upheaval, or failing that, found something new in yourself that you’ve had to take time to think about, adjust to, or something like that.

It's life, isn’t it? Always changing something, heh.

But changes like that? They’re for the new year to sort out. That’s what that holiday is all about. But this is Christmas.

Christmas is about cheer.

Christmas is about having that bit of light in the winter.

Christmas is about food, and good feelings, and whatever gifts that you can manage to find, either for yourself or others.

So, take a moment and appreciate yourself. This Christmas, these holidays, stop and appreciate yourself for being someone that’s made it to the end of the year. Remind yourself that you got here, and that you’re still going. Most of all, think of the things you have, that you’ve gained, that you’ve helped others get, and know you’re a credit to yourself.

Give yourself something nice, some compliments, some appreciation, because you’re worth that.

And then, if you have any left, see how you can make someone else feel. Because we all deserve a smile.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May it be merry and bright.